Podcast episode (Choose You, ep.13) hosted by Carmen Sakurai, offering an overview of narcissistic (NPD) abuse: how covert manipulation and cognitive dissonance keep victims attached, eight common psychological damages survivors suffer, and twelve characteristics frequently found in NPD abuse victims. The host frames these patterns as results of unhealed emotional injuries, stresses that recovery requires intentional processing (therapy, coaching), and promises practical recovery strategies in upcoming episodes. The episode closes with resources in the show notes and a call to subscribe/share.
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You're listening to the choose youe podcast, episode 13. Hey everyone, I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. On this episode, I'll go through common symptoms of narcissistic abuse as well as the most common characteristics of NPD abuse victims. Let's begin. First, I wanted to let you know about our new Instagram account, hooseyou Podcast. That's all one word, where I share NPD facts information to help in recovery, show announcements and a peek behind the scenes. As always, I've added the link to the show notes. Hope to see you there. What I found after speaking with hundreds of NPD survivors is that most were not even aware that they've been psychologically abused. Narcissists use covert manipulation tactics that begin with the idealization or love bombing stage, which is where the victim appears to be wine dined and put on a pedestal by the narc, when in reality they're being groomed to serve the narcissist's purpose for their victim. And when you've been conditioned to be absolutely convinced without a doubt that this person is your soulmate, someone who adores you, someone who you can trust with your life. Cognitive dissonance makes it almost impossible for victims to clearly see that the person they're facing is mentally, emotionally and even physically abusing them. Let me explain. Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort that's triggered when your belief is challenged by new evidence. So, for example, here you have your soulmate. You've never felt so loved, accepted and protected. And you're sure that this person is the person you were meant to be with, the reason why all other relationships didn't work. They go as far as confessing that because they're so enamored by you, everyone else is just a blur. You're the only one they want to see. But then you catch them saying something flirtatious and inappropriate to another person on the phone, at a party, on social media, or wherever. And while you witness this crappy behavior firsthand, you second guess yourself and make excuses for them. It was probably just a joke. Perhaps you misheard them. Or maybe it was a typo. Cognitive dissonance will drive you to defend what you've been conditioned to believe, no matter how solid the contradicting information is. Alright, so if you're still not sure you've experienced narcissistic abuse, here are eight of the most common damages caused by narcissists. See if you can relate to any of them. Number 1. Shattered self esteem, self acceptance, self confidence and personal boundaries. 2. Severely decreased ability to trust yourself, others and life. 3. Deteriorated memory and the ability to focus. 4. Obsessive thoughts and feelings about the narcissist which negatively affects and limits how you function on a daily basis. 5. Feeling worse after finally leaving a miserable relationship due to being left alone with your thoughts and feelings about the horrible and abusive treatment inflicted on you by your ex partner. 6. Repeatedly finding yourself in toxic relationships, whether it's romantic or otherwise. 7. An intense feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and powerlessness resulting from surrendering all your power to the narcissist and depending on him or her to define who you are. And number eight. Feeling sad, not joy over acts of kindness shared with you by others. You wish it was the narcissist showing you kindness and receiving goodness from anyone, but the narc is absolutely unbearable. You also feel pain because you long for the narcissist to share in these positive experiences with you. I know I got hit with majority of the symptoms after the narcissistic relationship ended. It didn't feel like any other breakup and I thought it was because I just lost the absolute love of my life. But no, it's because I was addicted to a relationship where I was mentally and emotionally beaten up and suddenly left on my own to try and figure out why I'm hurting. And he was able to move on like he didn't even notice anything has changed. And contrary to popular belief, these injuries will not heal with time because intentional reconditioning of your mind is necessary to completely recover. They must be processed properly and as efficiently as possible to help you move beyond the cycle of abuse and prevent you from falling victim to future abusers. And while it may feel like you're left with a shadow of who you were before, know that the real you still exists and can be revived stronger and better than before. The empty narc may have depleted you of all light and energy, but because you are the source, you're able to recharge every part of you that's been drained. I'll cover these strategies in depth in upcoming episodes. Alright, so those are the eight common damages caused by narcissists, and I felt it was important to acknowledge them because most survivors try to reason why the narcissist they were involved with is different or not as bad as the other narcs, especially if there were no physical scars. Now I also want to cover the 12 characteristics consistent for individuals who have been abused by narcissists. These are things familiar to you even before the narc showed up in your life. Sadly, I identified with all of them. See if any of these sound like you. 1. You've suffered emotional, mental and physical abuse in the past. 2. You have trouble defending your boundaries or don't have any. 3. You find it difficult to say no. 4. You possess a high level of integrity and will defend it at all costs. 5. You value the feeling of security, work hard to keep it and quickly fix breaches caused by others to maintain your security. 6. You have grown to enjoy being single, but now that you've experienced a narc's idealization, you fear you'll never find anyone else with whom you feel so bonded to, so you do whatever it takes to make your relationship work, even with an abuser. 7. You can make pretty much anything work, regardless of what you're up against. 8. You feel uncomfortable receiving from others because you're usually the one who is giving and helping. 9. You feel bad when you take some time to do nice things for yourself because it feels selfish to use up time or money that could be spent taking care of others who are more worthy. 10. You take the punches for other people's mistakes to spare them the pain and humiliation instead of letting them learn their lesson and taking responsibility for themselves. 11. You did not receive unconditional love, approval, acceptance and protection from your parents and as a result, you don't feel worthy of receiving these things from anyone. And 12. You do not believe you are lovable just for being you. So you're constantly trying to earn it by prioritizing the needs of others above your own. Understand, these are results of unhealed emotional injuries likely from childhood. None of it was your fault. You were only a child deserving of unconditional love, acceptance and support. And while you may have been defenseless as a child, as an adult you have the power to think for yourself and heal and break free from this cycle. Listen. All this time I thought I was just an unlucky girl who kept randomly falling into one toxic relationship after another and this belief is exactly what kept me in victim mode. But it was during the aftermath of my last narcissistic relationship that I became desperate to find out exactly why I couldn't release such a horrible human being from my life. What the hell did this self centered, liar, cheater and human wannabe offer that I was so bonded to. I finally came to terms with the fact that he was providing me with a false sense of relief from all my unhealed injuries. Identifying and processing traumas that's been buried deep inside you can be painful beyond words. I strongly suggest you seek the support of a therapist, counselor or coach to help you move through it. But once you've properly processed and healed the pain, the narcissist will no longer be the source of your relief. For me, all that hard work, which included plenty of kicking and crying, dying was worth the freedom and a newer, stronger sense of self I now possess. No triggers, no flashbacks, no starving for something or someone to relieve my invisible wounds. It's incredibly liberating and empowering. Alright, so those are the common symptoms of narcissistic abuse as well as some of the most common characteristics of NPD abuse victims. I'll be talking about more recovery strategies including how to kick your addiction to the narcissist and simple daily thought training to heal and strengthen your self esteem. In upcoming episodes. It's time to start choosing your safety and well being over trying to remain in good terms with the abuser. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.
