7. Help! I Think I'm a Narc Magnet!

You're listening to the choose youe Podcast, episode number seven. Hey guys. I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. I opened up the Q and A submission form recently and one of the most asked questions is, I think I'm a narc magnet. How do I stop it? So I wanted to dedicate an episode to answer this. Let's begin. I'd like to start by thanking you for joining me on this podcast and allowing me the opportunity to share my knowledge, research and personal experiences about narcissistic personality disorder and breaking free from narcissistic abuse. Oh, gosh. This was such a painful, confusing and frightening experience for me that I wanted to do what I can to help survivors navigate out of this nightmare and break free from this dangerous cycle. And if you're finding this podcast helpful in any way, please let me know by submitting a review on iTunes, SoundCloud, or anywhere else you're subscribed to this podcast from. I would be forever grateful and it'll also help other survivors find information, solutions, and a safe community to heal with. Thank you. I've been receiving messages from survivors who have been in multiple intimate relationships with narcissists, as well as other abusive individuals. Why am I attracting these people in particular? Do I just have really bad luck when it comes to relationships? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says narc bait? Well, you don't exactly have a sign, but pretty similar. Let me explain. So narcissists scope out people who are highly empathetic with wonderful characteristics and traits that they want to drain and use as supply for a narc. There's no point in approaching someone who won't be able to or willing to become a convenient and obedient source. But. But there's also a lesser known scientific phenomena that draws the narc and victims towards each other. And this is called the sympathetic resonance or sympathetic vibration. A simplified example of this is if you're in a piano store and pound on one key on one piano, that same key on the other pianos will begin to vibrate without anyone touching them. That particular string on the other pianos will pick up the vibration of the note you're playing. Same idea applies to human beings. We're made up of atoms, and atoms continuously give off and absorb energy. And our energies vibrate at different frequencies depending on our overall state of being. So when you're feeling good, others can usually pick up on that feel good vibration. And when you're feeling upset about something Those around you will subconsciously recognize the negative vibration given off by your upset feeling. This energy is what draws people who have experienced similar life events together even even before they share it. This is because we're constantly giving off our own and absorbing other people's energy. Another example is when you first meet someone, everything is going great. This person is smiling and kind and confident and generally seems great, but there's just something off about them. Have you ever experienced this? Because I know I have. This is because we can't completely hide our energy, only cover them up with other stronger energies. So this person who seems a little off can be all out fun and great, but there's a contradicting energy in them that they can't completely quiet. Perhaps they're still healing from a broken heart or trying to get past being fired from the job. And in case of a narcissist, you're feeling the energy emitted by their ulterior motives. I clearly remember feeling this with my narcissistic ex, even prior to our relationship, when he was still pursuing me and I was thanking my lucky stars for bringing me someone I had so much fun with. Every once in a while though, my intuition told me weird, something feels off about this person. Now let me explain the two ways the sympathetic vibration works to draw narcissists and their victims to each other. First is a narcissist empath attraction. It's becoming widely known that empaths are narcissists perfect victim due to their ability to sense, feel and absorb the emotions and energy of other people and their selfless nature to care for and refuse to leave behind anyone in need. Now, narcs are just as highly sensitive, but they're only sensitive for themselves and their own needs. See where I'm going here. One is drawn to wounded energy because they want to nurture and heal, while the other is drawn to selfless and nurturing energy because they depend on that energy to fuel their self esteem and worth. Second is a narcissist and childhood trauma attraction. If you're consciously or unconsciously dealing with hurt from a past emotional or mental childhood trauma, such as fear of abandonment, damaged self esteem, or the need for unconditional love and acceptance due to unhealthy childhood conditioning and the lack of a solid parent. Child bonding. And I'll go into detail about childhood traumas in another episode. Predators such as narcissists will immediately pick up on that vulnerability and strike with laser focus. Narcs thrive on the fantasy of being the answer to their victim's dreams. This is when they begin asking questions to supposedly get to know you better, and revealing personal things about themselves to build trust in you. And while it feels amazing to have someone show so much interest in who we are, narcs don't do this because they're genuinely interested in you as a person. They need to know what your deepest needs are so they can put the appropriate mask and appear to be someone who can finally and magically heal your hurt or fill a long time need. So in this case, one side desperately wants to be a hero searching for anyone to rescue, while the other side is unconsciously longing for someone to finally show them they can be loved, protected and accepted, despite what they've been taught to believe as children by people with unhealthy intentions. In both cases, because a narc is unable to emotionally bond, their interest in their victim is superficial and fleeting, like a child who grows bored of a toy that used to make them so happy and they ask mom and dad to buy a new one they saw on tv. The narc constantly needs something new to extract supply from in order to feel special and important, and that constant need is virtually impossible for any one person to fulfill. This is when devaluation begins because the narc blames the victim for failing to be exactly what the narc needs at every moment. Now let's move on to how you can become narc proof. Let me start by asking if you can relate to the following scenarios. 1. Your relationship starts off perfect, but after some time you notice the other person's behavior no longer match that of the person he or she was at the beginning, and you're always left feeling anxious and insecure. Regardless, you stick around looking for little signs that things might go back to the way they were. 2. You constantly make excuses for the other person's bad behavior, they're having a bad day, they had a bad childhood, they just need someone to be patient, etc. 3. You rarely or pretty much never end a relationship when the other person proves themselves to be selfish and disrespectful. Instead, you keep giving them chances to change for the better. Answering yes to any of those scenarios are signs of having weak or no boundaries. Listen, people with a strong sense of self love, self respect and powerful boundaries will have no trouble walking out the door as soon as they realize this person's behavior disturbs their inner peace and negatively affect their well being. They don't second guess themselves or make excuses for the less than respectful treatment. But this gets tricky if you're dealing with negative childhood conditioning and traumas. This is why setting strong personal boundaries and consistently enforcing them is so important. Boundaries are the mental, emotional and physical rules and limits we establish to protect ourselves. These are things we instinctively say no to as they defend us from being violated by others. Those who have set and enforced strong boundaries are able to effectively filter out unhealthy people who might otherwise compromise their mental and emotional well being. However, without clear boundaries, you'll very likely allow toxic people to remain in your space longer than they need to be there. Here's some examples of my relationship related Personal Boundaries these are things I immediately say no to. Accepting blame for something I didn't do. Inappropriate advances by married men, being pressured into guilt for another person's negative feelings, being lied to, being pressured into making choices I'm not prepared to make, having my thoughts and feelings dismissed and invalidated. And you can also include things like requiring personal time once a week to recharge and and your right to cancel plans when you're feeling too tired after a long day at work or school without guilt trips. In the next episode, I'll go into detail on how to set and enforce powerful boundaries that keep you healthy and safe, especially when you're healing from narcissistic abuse. Alright, I hope I was able to explain how a narcissist spot and target their victims and how you can protect yourself by becoming narc proof. Thank you so much for joining me. You if you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.