Narcissism Is NOT What TikTok Makes It Sound Like: Understanding Narcissistic Abuse

Okay, you guys, not every cheating, lying, selfish, insensitive asshole is a narcissist, and mixing them up can actually hurt survivors. So in this video, you're gonna learn the real differences between regular toxic behavior, pathological narcissism, and narcissistic abuse so you can stop doubting your reality. Someone cheating on you or breaking up with you doesn't make them a narcissist. Being a compulsive liar or a lazy leech doesn't make them a narcissist. Talking behind your back, giving you a dirty look, or being selfish doesn't make them a narcissist. Jealousy, anger, or being secretive doesn't make them a narcissist. And no, posting selfies all day every day doesn't make them a narcissist. Someone can hurt you deeply and still not be a narcissist, but that doesn't make your pain any less real. You don't need to put a label on someone's bad behavior to justify stepping back and reassessing that relationship. Someone doesn't have to be a narcissist to be considered an unfit partner, friend, or parent. Before I continue, I want to introduce myself real quick since this is my very first video. My name is Carmen Sakurai, and I'm a certified trauma-informed master life coach, advocate for survivors of narcissistic abuse, and a survivor. The term narcissist gets thrown around so loosely that it makes it harder to understand what real narcissistic pathology looks like. Narcissistic abuse goes beyond just being treated badly. It's a pattern of psychological manipulation that targets your core identity, using you as a tool to manage their self-esteem, emotions, and sense of self. So no, it's not just about being mean. It's dangerous to your identity and reality. The term narcissism has become a catch-all phrase for all self-centered, manipulative, and toxic behaviors, but narcissism in itself is actually a normal personality trait that exists on a spectrum, and everyone has some level of it. And just like confidence, ambition, and empathy, narcissism can be healthy, unhealthy, or pathological. It can show up as wanting recognition, bragging a little, or even being self-absorbed in certain situations. And these things are very common, and in moderation, totally normal. And everyone has some level of it. Let me show you real quick how it also works with another normal personality trait that exists on the spectrum: self-esteem. Let's do this in a workplace, okay? If you have healthy self-esteem, you know you're good at your job and you feel proud of your skills. And when you add a healthy dose of narcissism, that's what helps you walk into your boss's office and ask for a raise, because you believe your work deserves recognition. Where self-esteem is how you feel on the inside, narcissism is how you express that value on the outside. So if some narcissism is normal and even helpful, what happens when it crosses the line into something more dangerous? That's where pathological narcissism comes in. When narcissistic traits become extreme, rigid, and causes serious life dysfunction, we enter the territory of pathological narcissism. You don't need a clinical diagnosis to recognize this as harmful, so in coaching and survivor support spaces, We can recognize and talk about pathological narcissistic traits without a formal diagnosis, while Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD, is a formal clinical diagnosis by a qualified mental health professional. Pathological narcissism and NPD fall under personality pathology. They affect how a person consistently thinks, feels, and relates to others. It influences their perception So, get this, that means it actually changes what they can be aware of. So just as we all act according to our perceptions, they act according to their very deeply distorted perceptions. You know what's tricky is people with pathological narcissism or NPD seem like everyone else on the outside, but internally, they're experiencing the world through warped lenses that twist how they perceive reality, themselves and other people. Their thoughts, emotions, and reactions are shaped by deep shame and a very fragile sense of self. It's like hollow people walking around with their nerves exposed. They avoid connecting deeply with anyone because it requires vulnerability and showing up authentically. They avoid accountability like the plague because they can't handle the hit to their unstable self-image. They deflect, Blame, project, and twist the narrative because facing their own flaws is total annihilation, not just correction. They dismiss or mock your feelings because empathy would mean acknowledging a reality outside their own. They seek constant validation or control because without it they feel empty, worthless, or invisible. They rage and stonewall because emotional regulation requires self-awareness they never developed. So it's not just about difficult behavior, it's literally the most disordered way of seeing and surviving in the world. And the wildest part, and this is what also drove me the craziest, they can seem charming, compassionate, even inspiring, especially in casual settings and relationships that don't require emotional depth. Because it's easy to play the role of the nice guy when no one's asking for actual connection. But in close, intimate relationships, that's where the damage hits hardest. Because they know the people closest to them expect consistency and genuine connection, a skill they don't possess and triggers deep-seated shame. It took me forever to understand and accept this, and I actually made a video titled "Why do they treat everyone else better than me?" and it's been scheduled for the next couple days, so be sure and subscribe. Narcissistic abuse is not just about being treated badly. It's a specific pattern of psychological manipulation that chips away at the victim's identity. You're not seen as your own real separate person with your own inner world, valid experiences, or truth. To the narcissist, you're just a character that exists in their reality based on their distorted perception. To reflect back their ideal self and for internal regulation. Let me say that again: you exist only to reflect back the image in their head they have of themselves, and you are responsible for how they feel and why they feel it. They're extremely self-focused and lack self-awareness. We're not even considered, and they act like this is all normal because to them, It is, and I'll go into detail about this in another upcoming video. So this abuse often includes gaslighting, blame shifting, emotional invalidation, silent treatment, and identity erosion. As a result, you begin questioning your worth, your memory, and your sanity. So it's more than just selfish behavior. It's a systematic dismantling of who you are because you're not being acknowledged as your own person. Look around and you'll see everywhere that the term narcissist is used to describe any bad behavior. That real survivors of narcissistic abuse are often dismissed or invalidated by the very people they turn to for support and validation. Their stories get minimized. They're told to just get over it and move on. They're told that it's just a breakup and everyone goes through it. Many are shamed for speaking out about their traumatic childhood. "How can you be so ungrateful? All mothers love their children." They're accused of exaggerating, trying to get attention, or that they're just being bitter. If you're a survivor struggling to explain what happened to you, please know you're not overreacting. What you experienced is real and it's serious. Before I wrap this up, I want to leave you with one request: please avoid shaming someone for saying they were hurt by a narcissist. Even if the person they're describing isn't clinically diagnosed, it doesn't mean they didn't go through real emotional pain. Sometimes survivors are just trying to put words to the chaos they lived through. Please let them speak. Let them feel heard because they've been silenced and disregarded long enough. And if you can't, it's better not to say anything at all. Don't mock them. Don't rally others to humiliate them. Please don't add to their pain. I know in my own healing journey, I felt so alone, dismissed, and treated like I'm just causing drama. I felt frustrated and defeated and had to call the Crisis Lifeline several times, just to hear someone reassure me, knowing they're not gonna go behind my back to talk to others about why I have no boundaries and why I never learn. Because this isn't just about cheating, lying, bullying assholes. It's manipulation in the hands of someone who sees things through a very distorted lens, and they target their victim's core identity until there's nothing left. Alrighty, I hope this clarified what narcissism, pathological narcissism, NPD, and narcissistic abuse is really about. About. This is my very first video and I've been super nervous about posting it, but I made a promise to myself that 2026 is when I'm finally going to start my YouTube channel, so here it is! If you found this information useful, hit the like button so it reaches more people who need it, and drop a comment below and let me know what resonated most, or let me know what you want me to cover next. Oh, and for the audio version to listen on the go, subscribe to my Choose You podcast. All my links are in the description below. Don't forget to subscribe to my channel so you don't miss the next one. If you've watched this far, thank you, I appreciate you so much. I'll see you in the next one, and always choose you!