10. Q&A Tuesday | Does the Narcissist Miss Me After the Breakup?

You're listening to the choose youe podcast, episode number 10. Hey everyone, I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. And this is Q and A Tuesday. I'll be answering questions like does the narcissist miss me? After breakup, can things ever go back to the way they used to be? And more. Let's begin. Alright, question number one. Can things ever go back to the way they used to be? Now, after experiencing the most intense bond during the love bombing stage and being dragged through the painful and confusing deterioration of the relationship, many survivors naturally wonder if the original deep and intimate bond can somehow be salvaged. What we must try to do first is to understand that that the NPD behavior and logic is nothing like that of someone without narcissistic Personality disorder. We, as in non NPDs, not only understand, but live emotional empathy and genuine bonds. It's what we've always known. And so we project what's natural for us onto others, assuming they're wired the very same way. The dangerous thing here is just how difficult it is to understand and accept the absolutely warped out lenses these narcissists look through at their life and everyone around them. Due to genetics and early childhood trauma from neglect and even excessive idealization of the child, individuals with NPD depend on external approval and admiration to feed their self esteem and worth. They're unable to see past their own needs to feel important and special. And because this disorder leaves them unable to sustain their own identity and self esteem, their only motivation to behave or think in any way is to obtain narcissistic supply. Remember, supply is the energy they draw from others such as admiration, approval, adulation and attention to validate and maintain their worth. And it's not something they just like to have. Their lives actually depend on narcissistic supply. So the result, one side of the relationship, which is the non npd, is always giving. Because at first you're on cloud nine and you naturally give freely to the one who cherish you like no one ever has. But as the relationship progresses, the narc begins to treat you like you're really not all that amazing after all. And you do everything you can to fix it and prove yourself worthy of their love bombing, even by accepting things that are completely out of alignment with your values. Every once in a while though, the abuser will throw little scraps of attention and affection your way just to keep you hanging and hoping. Then once again take away their affection. At which time you're working even harder to earn more scraps. This is called intermittent reinforcement. And this is what forms a trauma bond. Remember, narcissistic abuse is insidious. And the abuse starts even before the relationship started, when the narc began fantasizing about how they'll hook their victim into their cycle of abuse. And this is a totally natural course. The narcissistic personality follows a. I know it seems like I went into deeper explanation of the narcissistic pathology than the question required. But when you understand the disorder, it becomes more clear that the abuse was happening throughout the entire relationship and that there are distinct stages of the relationship the narcissist leads you through in order for them to get the supply they need at the time. So as far as the relationship going back to the way it used to be, from a non narcissist's understanding of genuine relationships, no. Narcs are unable to emotionally bond. Therefore there was nothing authentic about the relationship to begin with. But from the narcissist's point of view, yes, the relationship can possibly go back to the idealization stage at any time. But this is only to draw you back in while they're scoping around for a new victim. Again, they're not interested in being loved or understood. By our definition, the narc is only interested in one thing and that's narcissistic supply. So whatever they did or will do to hook you back in is just a setup to get what they need and has nothing to do with your well being. Second question is, can you fix a narcissist? Can they change for the better with therapy or more love? Narcissists function based on a very different logic than those without npd. Narcs are unable to see their pathology and you can't ask them to look themselves in the mirror because they lack a functioning personality. They depend on external sources to validate their identity. So they really cannot look themselves in the mirror because there's nothing there. You have to understand, narcs believe that if something isn't going their way, the people and things around them must change. They don't look inward to see where they need adjusting because their logic dictates that happiness, fulfillment and success is based on how others provide and support them. Bottom line here is they cannot be fixed. Because in the world of narcissistic personality disorder, it's the victim who needs to be fixed. And that's usually accomplished by replacing them with a new one, just like replacing a broken coffee maker with a new one. Once the new coffee maker is in place, your Life goes on. Your world as a whole does not change as far as if narcissists can change with therapy. While it's nearly impossible to cure the actual disorder, narcissists can change their behavior. What's absolutely critical to understand is that because love and selflessness are unfamiliar to narcissists, only their personal interests can motivate them to change their behavior. And their motivation is always a selfish one. They don't care about your feelings, so trying to explain how badly they've hurt you won't change anything. They lack emotional empathy, so your pain is irrelevant. There is only one thing that motivates the narc to do and say anything in its narcissistic supply. So, for example, threatening to end a relationship with a narcissist won't matter unless the loss of the relationship means something to the narc about him or herself. Is it going to greatly affect the quality of the narc's life? Will it destroy the narc's reputation? Will they lose out more from walking out of the relationship than if they stayed? They won't change their behavior for you because not for your well being and certainly not because you love them. They'll only change if it benefits their personal interests. And it doesn't matter who or what they're getting the supply from. They just want the supply. And that in itself should be a deal breaker for anyone trying to save an intimate relationship with a narcissist. Next question is, does the narcissist miss me after the breakup? To answer this, I'm going to refer back to the broken coffee maker analogy I used in the very first episode. Basically, you appreciate your coffee maker while it makes you a great cup of coffee first thing in the morning. But it's more like taking it for granted, right? You just assume that the coffee is going to be made, but once it breaks, you go to the store and find one exactly like it, or one that has a few extra features, or even one on clearance if that's what you can afford at the time. This is to replace the broken one as quickly as possible as to not disturb your daily routine. Then you get home with a new coffee maker, plug it in, and voila, you have coffee again. So you throw out the broken coffee maker and your life continues without interruption. Narcissists are unable to see past their own needs, and what they constantly need is supply. In this example, coffee. When you start to question their behavior and begin to stand up for yourself, you're considered damaged goods. So they go on a hunt for A new source of supply to make certain they'll be able to secure fresh supply before their stash that you provided them runs out. Once they've secured a new victim who will source the supply they need, the old one becomes irrelevant. However, narcissists may keep a broken coffee maker in storage just in case. Discarded victims that are stored away are used when one, the new couple is having problems to feed the narc's ego when the current victim is being uncooperative, or two, as a temporary fill in when the latest victim has been discarded. This leaves the discarded victim feeling hopeful and confused. But does it mean the narc wants to get back together again? No. I have another good example for this. I keep a used pair of disposable contact lenses in case I run out of my weekly pair before my eye doctor can ship me a fresh new box for the month. And if I ever run out of the lenses before the new ship date, I use the old backup lenses because they're good enough for now. But as soon as the fresh one comes in, the old ones get stored away in the drawer. Does this mean I want the old pair to be my everyday pair forever? No. As long as I have my fresh supply of clear and comfortable lenses, I don't even think about my backups. My behavior and logic here is completely selfish and self serving. I don't think about the well being of my lenses. I just want to see clearly. Now here's the thing. Many survivors settle for being a backup because it's better than nothing. But this is such a dangerous and self damaging behavior. People who surrender to this treatment do so because they believe this is the only type of attention and affection they deserve. I know, I've been there and it made me feel horrible. I hated myself for hanging on just to hear from the narc again as he went off scoping out for new victims. And this is usually due to unhealed childhood traumas. That's absolutely thrown off your self worth. And this must be processed and taken care of immediately. Now, as far as missing the discarded victim, according to individuals diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, they do at times think back on something they benefited from. A discarded victim. For example, if the current victim is able to supply the narc with everything the previous victim used to, except for one thing. Let's say the discarded victim used to do the dishes as soon as the meal was finished. But the current one doesn't. The narc may stop and think about how convenient it was to always have a picked up kitchen, but that's where it stops. They don't reflect on anything about the previous victims themselves or their intentions. They strictly miss what they benefited from. Alright, if you have questions you want answered on a show about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and recovering from narcissistic abuse, send me a Message at. Dear carmenarmensaccurai.com the link is in the Show Notes. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.