Carmen Sakurai (certified life strategist) explains why narcissists can move on quickly after breakups: they lack the capacity to form genuine emotional bonds, functionally seek external validation or "supply," and therefore cycle rapidly through idealization with new victims. Using a coffee-maker analogy and descriptions of emotional immaturity, she outlines how flaunting replacements and parading new relationships serve the narcissist's need for admiration, not genuine love, and recommends no contact strategies and self-focus for survivors.
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You're listening to the choose you podcast. Episode number two. Hi, I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. On this episode, I'll explain why narcissists are able to move on so quickly after the breakup of even a serious long term relationship. Let's begin. How are narcissists able to move on so fast? It's beyond crazy. I was so sure the narc was with me 100% throughout our relationship, but he clearly wasn't. Breakups between two healthy people usually have a recovery period regardless of how the split took place. However, narcs are not capable of emotionally bonding like we do, so there was nothing for them to recover from. I've shared my coffee maker analogy in the previous episode, which seemed to have helped bring some clarity to this anomaly for many survivors. So narcissists lack the ability to emotionally bond. Their emotional age is comparable to that of a five or six year old, where everything and everyone exists exclusively to serve, support and entertain them. As a result, narcs are unable to see past their own needs. Ever. Listen, when you replace a broken appliance such as a coffee maker with a new one, do you miss the old coffee maker? No. Because you have a new one that does what it's supposed to do, and your life as a whole doesn't change. That being said, we were the coffeemaker in this narcissistic story. Our purpose was to do what we're supposed to do and feed the narc's ego without resistance. It's hard to believe, but there was nothing personal about the connection narcs have with their partners. It really could have been anyone who's willing to source them the supply they needed. And this next victim could have been anyone too. The length of each relationship, as well as the approach to each phase of abuse, including idealization, devaluation, discard, and Hoover can vary, but the cycle will always continue. The healthy reality is it is virtually impossible for someone to feel genuine love, adoration, affection, and deep bond with one person, then immediately feel those same exact things for someone else. The love and narcast for someone is totally and completely superficial. They just want the coffee, and if they find someplace more convenient to get it from, that's where they'll go. So they move on like they don't even notice. The people in the story have changed, and understandably. I've had coaching clients ask whether the narc is happy in this new relationship or if it's possible that this new person influenced them to change for the better. Narcissists are pretty much ecstatic when they're in the idealization stage of the relationship. Not because this next person is better than than you are. It's not even about the new victim at all. It's because the narc is over the moon, excited about all the supply they hope to gain from their new victim. They don't love the new person more or less than they did you because they're unable to love like we do. Their so called love is strictly based on how much and how easily they're able to extract supply. See, narcissists need the attention and energy to temporarily give them relief from their emptiness inside. Remember, narcissists have no functioning personality. That means they lack their own identity or the ability to establish and maintain their self worth and esteem, requiring them to constantly find something to validate their existence. So who this new person is doesn't matter nearly as much as what the narcissist can get from them. They'll do and say whatever it takes to extract approval, adulation, appreciation, admiration and status from both the new source and the people around them. The gifts, trips, events and everything else the narc showers a new victim with is strictly to extract feedback to validate their own self esteem and worth. In simplest terms, while it appears as the narcissist has flawlessly moved on, all that's happened is they've cycled back to the idealization stage with a new victim. They're doing what they always do and will continue to do. Now. If the narcissist is flaunting your replacement, this is in no way a reflection of your value and you didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. It's not your fault. Honestly, regardless of whether your ex is a narcissist, psychopath, sociopath, or just a lying, cheating jerk, parading their new relationship and flaunting they've been unfaithful to you shows your lack of integrity and reveals low quality character. Who needs that? What respectable human being would intentionally do that? And it doesn't matter whether you're a direct witness to this or not. They're shamely advertising this to your friends and connections. How a person does something is how they do everything. And like I mentioned before, narcissists wake up each morning with a huge void within. They're unable to store genuine loving feelings and emotional bonds because the external validation their identity depend on is superficial and fleeting. This is why they always have to have something going on, something planned, someone, somewhere, something to think about something to announce, something to show off. Because only when they're able to extract admiration and approval from outside sources do they find temporary relief from their emptiness. It doesn't even have anything to do with this next person. It truly is all about the narcissist, always desperate for someone to tell them how important and special they are. Finally, this next person will get rehashed words and actions with little upgrades from behavior learned from interactions with you. Just like you got the rehashed stuff from the ones before you. And the person after them will get rehashed garbage as well. Another observation is the emptier the narc feels, the bigger the parade. So if they're waving their new victim and their happy life all over the place, it only means they're trying to replenish and stock up on all the narcissistic supply they can extract from as many admirers they possibly can. It really is nothing more than that. And it's not only to get supply from the victim and those around them, but also to get a rise out of you, because your good and bad reaction validates their value. And keep in mind, too, that the narc could very well be in damage control mode to appear like they're able to have a good relationship with the right person to make you look like you're the bad guy. It won't last, though, and the first one to feel the sting will always be the narc's current victim. Remember, you were once the focus of narcissistic idealization, too. That's what you're witnessing and missing when you see it, not the reality of the cycle of abuse, like when they made you feel insecure and miserable and lonely and crazy. And this is why no contact or modified no contact, both, which I'll cover in a later episode, is required to heal. The new victim is currently where you started out in the relationship, and he'll eventually end up where you are right now. It's pretty sad, and I've been asked by survivors if they should reach out to the narc's new partner. I'll go into detail about this in another episode, but for now, you need your love, compassion, and concern more than anyone else. Please focus on yourself. Okay? I hope I was able to explain how narcissists are able to move on so quickly after a breakup, and that it helps to empower you as you begin to heal. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or your favorite podcasting app. If you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai, and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us because the world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God bless.
