Carmen Sakurai explains that narcissists often have cognitive empathy, understanding others intellectually even without feeling it emotionally. She uses personal stories and media examples to show how this distinction matters for survivors focused on healing.
You're listening to the choose youe Podcast. Episode number three. Hey guys, I'm Carmen Sakurai, certified life strategist and advocate for victims of narcissistic abuse. I decided to add a new segment titled Myth Busting because there's an overwhelming amount of false information about narcissistic abuse causing unnecessary grief to survivors who need solid information to help support their healing. The myth will be busting today is Narcissists do not have empathy. Let's begin. One of the biggest myths circulated all over the Internet is that narcissists don't have empathy. So how are they able to behave as though they're connected so deeply with their victims during the idealization stage? The truth is, narcissists lack emotional empathy. However, they have cognitive empathy. Let me explain. Emotional empathy is the stuff that gives a person the ability to connect to what another person is feeling. This decreases the likelihood that you'll want to intentionally hurt others because you can emotionally relate. So if you hurt your partner's feelings, you'll likely feel guilt and remorse. An example of this is your friend confides in you that she's been physically abused when she was a child. You can feel that she's still experiencing sadness and pain from it, and even if you can't personally relate, you're emotionally moved by the magnitude of her suffering. Now, cognitive empathy, on the other hand, is to logically, but not emotionally understand what another person is feeling. It's the ability to learn how to respond without emotional investment. This means if you hurt another person, you know that the person is hurt based only on information you've been collecting. So if you cause pain to your partner, you likely won't think much of it because you're not personally affected. So let's say your friend confides in you that she's been physically abused when she was a child. You hear the information given offer a shallow I'm so sorry you went through that. But then your mind wanders off to something else, maybe lunch. Narcissists lack emotional empathy, but they have cognitive empathy. This makes it tricky to spot individuals who lack emotional empathy early on in the relationship. But in most cases, since a narcissist can only learn how to respond without any emotional understanding, they eventually slip. When I was going through a difficult time due to a death in a family, my ex gave me the obligatory aw, I'm so sorry. And sat with me while I poured my heart out. But later in the day, he asked, okay, so you're still upset. How long are you going to be like this. And at the time I actually felt bad for being such a burden. Or When Hurricane Harvey hit Houston, Texas, we talked about his high school friends who went missing and college buddies who lost everything, including cars, houses, family, Erra looms, livestock. Then he proceeded to say, I'm so done with this hurricane. I haven't been able to get fresh produce because the stores are still closed. Yeah, I stocked up on frozen vegetables and fruits, but it's not the same. The kids want fresh berries in their pancakes. I was floored. People he personally knew were suffering and dying and thankfully he and his family were all safe and sound. But here he was complaining about not having fresh kale and blackberries. That's when he came right out and told me that he's unable to put himself in other people's shoes. Many survivors question if the abuser that they were dealing with was truly a narcissist because of their ability to relate and understand. But once they detach and look back at those moments, they usually find that the bonding and understanding was not long lasting or they found themselves having to repeatedly explain to the narc how to behave with compassion. And majority of the time, the narc kept tabs on how often they were there to offer support and because they see this as doing you a favor that you owe them for, not as an act of love and compassion. Now let me add this the fact that you're looking into narcissistic relationships and abuse to begin with speaks volumes about how this person treated you. Whether they're narcissists, sociopaths, or just a monumental jerk, they're not equipped to treat you with the loving kindness and respect that you so deserve. It's time to focus on yourself, to heal, strengthen, and realize that you're worth much more than that. I hope the information I shared in this episode helped clarify the difference between emotional empathy and cognitive empathy. We'll be busting more myths on narcissistic abuse in future episodes. Thank you so much for joining me. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe to this podcast on itunes, Spotify, or on your favorite podcasting app. And if you know someone who can benefit from the information covered, please feel free to share. Resources mentioned in this episode are listed in the Show Notes. I'm Carmen Sakurai and until next time, choose you. Do it for yourself and for all of us, because our world is a better place for having you in it. Love and God Bless.
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