The Man Who Stops Pursuing His Wife Loses Her | Date Your Wife Podcast

You are physically more attractive to me when you're kind of like more present with me.

Tired of being rejected. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of being rejected. I don't get rejected from my company.

The man who stops pursuing his woman loses her. Oh, I guess we're getting divorced. Well, yeah, you—

well, my friends, welcome to another episode of The Date Your Wife Podcast. This is good, we're back on a roll. This is episode 4. 4 after our 6-month hiatus. Why did you take a 6-month hiatus?

Um, we fired our teams.

That makes sense. It makes sense why that we didn't do any more shows. That wasn't the primary reason.

Was it?

Literally, Amber and her— she had like a whole team running our podcast, booking it, showing up. We just had to show up. We literally just had to show up. Yep. But we didn't used to have Amber do it, and we had like a little studio in Data Point and we just like pop in and our teams would do it. But we took like our podcast to like a whole nother level.

Yeah, it was another level.

It was another level. I think our life was another level.

I think it was too much. I think it was good, but I think it was too much.

No, it was good. It was a season. I was going to share something that you—

I thought you were scrolling Instagram while we're trying to do the show.

Yeah, you know. Okay, so the man who stops pursuing his woman loses her. Did you know that's one of like your biggest shared posts?

Yeah, why don't you read the whole thing? That's a good carousel. Read it.

Really?

Yeah, you, you want to read it?

You have 100 and like 4,000 likes and like 180 shares.

Yeah, you want to read it? It looks like it's a popular one.

The man who stops pursuing his woman loses her. Marriage does not die in one moment, it dies in the slow disconnection. Most men think marriage fails because of sex, but sex is rarely the root of the problem. The real issue is the man stopped leading and connection— the leading the connection. At the beginning, he, he per He pursued her. He saw her, touched her, desired her, led her emotionally. She felt chosen, alive, safe. Then life happened— business, children, stress, pressure, bills, exhaustion. And then slowly, the, the, the mission replaced the marriage. The man became, became a producer but stopped being a lover. He provided for— he provided a life for her while abandoning her soul. Most men think leadership means control. But in marriage, leadership means presence. A woman who does not open— a woman does not open because of force. She opens because she feels safe enough to surrender. And safety is not built through money. Well, it kind of is. It is built through attention, atonement, touch, truth, consistency, and emotional security. A woman wants to feel— a woman wants to feel, I am, I'm still chosen, not managed, not tolerated, not not scheduled, chosen. This is why sex dies in marriage, not because attraction disappears, but because pursuit disappears. The man stopped dating his wife, stopped flirting, stopped touching, stopped leading, stopped leading tension, stopped creating polarity, and then wonders why, why the fire faded. Sexual energy is not atomic, it's cultivated. A woman reflects the emotional climate of the relationship back to the man. It's a really long-ass carousel.

Keep reading.

Most men try to solve intimacy physically, but the feminine opens emotionally first. If her soul feels disconnected, her body eventually follows. The great— the greatest seduction is not performance, it's presence. A fully present man becomes magnetic. This is why distracted men slowly lose his women. Why distracted— I should say men slowly lose his women. If he stays faithful, even if he provides, even if he works hard, because emotional absence creates starvation inside of a marriage. The masculine must pursue, not once, continually. A woman wants to be discovered again and again by the man she chooses. And, and here is the deeper truth: a disconnected man cannot fully love a woman because he is disconnected from himself. Still going. The man who reconnects to God reconnects to his own heart, and the man who connects to his own— and the man who reconnects to his own heart, can finally lead his woman again. Marriage becomes an Eden again when man stops treating intimacy like maintenance and starts treating it like worship. Pursue your woman, touch her soul, lead her heart, see her deeply, because the man who keeps choosing his wife will, will keep discovering a new version of her forever.

We'll do the call to action.

Oh, okay. Follow me for daily Warrior Eden Scrolls. And if you're ready to go deeper, listen to the full episode, Warrior on Fire—

Warrior on Fire. Warrior on Fire. Yes. So we've been releasing the daily— for those who listen to this show, I have a daily podcast I release on Warrior on Fire called the Daily Scroll. Scrolls— this carousel is actually the condensed version of Memoirs. You could look at it like this: I started down a path 8 or 9 years ago with a tool called stacking. It's evolved in a magnificent way. It's probably— it is not probably, it's the most powerful tool that we have at Warrior. It has become therapy at the highest level for men, and now we have a ton of women using it too. We have couples using it, um, and with the AI additions and what we call Commander Mode inside of the way we built our AI inside Warrior App, it's allowed for incredible breakthroughs. But at the end of my Bible stacks and my prayer stacks, which I do every single morning before Danielle wakes up, hours and hours before Danielle wakes up, and hours and hours before my kids wake up, I sit in the darkness by myself with God and I, and we have a moment. And then at the end of that moment, I write what I call the Daily Scroll, which is like a public-facing idea of what—

podcast on it too.

Yeah, well, we record it, so it's like a 5 to 7 minute podcast every day. So I read the scroll, we release a scroll every day, um, that's available at Warrior on Fire. And then that parlays into our weekly men's Bible study that happens on Monday nights, 6 PM Eastern, at warriorsforchrist.com. We're getting about 150 guys or so active on that every single week, and it's growing every week. So super excited about it. But that— those carousels I put out every day are just an abbreviated version of the scroll that I wrote, which goes longer. So that's why they started happening. People were making fun of me for putting these out like 6 months ago. Now guys are— now guys are copying me.

What do you mean?

Like, people really get— even you, you were like, too much content, why are you putting all this content out? But I was like done putting content out that was like— I didn't like the content I was putting out for a long time.

The thing is, is like people get so stuck in like their content has to be right or perfect, so they don't put anything out. And the reality is, is like even if you put a shit ton of stuff out, half the people that follow you don't see it anyway. Ways. So people are like worried, like, oh my God, I only got 400 likes, or I only got 2 views. But then you'll have one that kind of like takes off. And I think it's a game of like trying to figure out what— it's a weird game with all social media right now. So I think it's like, like the more you put out, you can see, okay, this is working. And then you can be like, hey, this is not working. Well, let's not do this anymore. The scrolls are working, let's do that.

I don't even do it that way. You know what I do?

You don't do it? Somebody manages it for you?

No, no, I know my teams put it out every day. I just send them the source copy for it. But do you know why You know how I do social media?

You're kind of like random.

I post whatever I want. I don't post for anyone else. I post for myself.

I know, but that's why you have teams that are more strategic about it.

No, they're not strategic at all. They just follow what I said. Post at 6. I said post at 8, post at 10, post at 12, post at 2, post at 4, post at 6.

So there's no—

there's no— yeah, no, there's a system. Every 2 hours we post something.

There's no strategy?

No, that's the strategy. And it wasn't working at first. And people were like, you're not getting any views, you're not getting likes. I was like, I don't care. I want to put this content out there.

You're still not getting a ton of views, but like you get some stuff that goes off. That's— if that's what's—

I'm getting plenty of views. Here's the thing to do is like, look at this, I like almost a million views last month. Do you understand how many million people is? That's not a lot compared to the social influencer world, but I don't care. I'm not after social influencer world.

Yeah, your views have gone down, but then you've had like more like random viral ones. Actually, you've always had viral ones, but I'm just saying, but your views have gone down, but because you're posting more, maybe that means you're getting the same amount of views. I don't really know.

Well, it's like this, if you make, if you make $1,000 one time, I can tell you anything you post with me gets triple the amount of views. Of Of course. Of course. That's why I only post you once in a while, because I can't have you take credit for everything that's happening. So listen, besides, Tai Lopez was telling this when he was mentoring me too, and you were there with me at the, at the mastermind when he was like, listen, anytime you put, anytime that you put a hot woman on your marketing, it works better, better than any good looking guy. So anyways, come back to the point of the actual carousel, because this is not a marketing show. Let's go back to the marriage point of this. What did you take from the carousel that you just read? Did you remember any of it?

Um, what did I take from it?

Mhm.

And there's a lot of truth in it.

What was one of the truths that stuck out to you?

I feel like the— I think like in society it is true that like the men, the men, the men, they do get kind of sucked into work, but I don't think their primary drive is like, I'm doing this for, for my family or my wife. Like, I think there's a little bit of like an addiction in it for the guy. Like, the You can say you're doing it for your wife, and then I think if you do, then you're like, that's why you don't feel lack of appreciation. But the reality is, I think there's— you're, you're doing it for yourself.

Yeah. And so, like, I don't think that's how it starts. I don't believe that's how it starts. I believe it starts with a really true intention, which is— which was mine too. I never felt worthy for you. I found this is a common story for a lot of top-producing men too, is like they met their women when they didn't have anything. It's harder for the guys that have stuff because then they never know if the woman was with them for the money or not. But when you started with somebody, you didn't have anything, which was us. It's a lot of guys who are still married, and you keep building. At— in the beginning, you're trying to build almost a worthiness to provide. You want to provide abundance for your family, but at a certain point, the line of abundance gets crossed, right? And it's no longer about providing abundance. What it actually becomes is you start to build a monument to yourself.

To show your worth or what?

Yeah.

I think in the beginning when we met, even though you didn't— like, you were broke and you were 25. We were so young. I was 18 when I met you. You were 25. I didn't really care that you were broke. Like, for me, I was broke. Everybody's broke, you know? If I— if me, like, if I was 25 and you were 25, I'd been like, no, this guy's not really— but because I was so young, I was like 18, I was like, all my friends are broke, who cares? And I was raised with like middle upper class, but like I've always— I've kind of like just been friends with everybody, you know. And I feel like when I met you, you're— even though you didn't have any money, like you were in college, you were almost done, you had a lot of drive. Even though I would complain about it when we were dating because you would always like work a lot, even when you're serving tables, you were— you're going to school and then you're working, and then we hung out at like 10 PM, but that was like normal college life. And then you got into mortgages and I was like, okay, like you started making money mortgages and you were working late. And, but you, we always made time to connect. So we didn't have kids, life, business. We didn't care if we were having Arby's 5 for $5 or Taco Bell or whatever it was, you know, like it was, that's how college life was. And so I found it attractive that you had kind of this drive, but there was still this pursuit of me and connection. And then I think based on the culture and the religion that we're raised in, and I'm sure a lot of men feel this pressure, especially if you get married at a young age or maybe even if you don't, it's like, You get married and you're like, shit, okay, I got to focus.

Yeah.

So you kind of like, not that you take your eye off the prize, but you're not like, you're not present anymore because your presence is now into building your business. And you can say it's for your wife, but it's almost like this self-induced pressure of like, hey, she saw me, I got to show up, I got to become this guy, like I am this guy, you know. And it could be partly motivated by your wife, but I think that men get addicted to it. There's a high in it. Like even I can, and I can say this as a woman, out of experience, they're like, I love being a mom, but there were times when I was like in the thick of it with my career where I'd be exhausted and so fulfilled at the same time. So I'd work a 12-hour day or whatever it is doing events and I'd come home being fucking tired and I was like, I'm like high. Like I feel like I'm giving back, I'm feeling my purpose and I'm like, even though I'm exhausted. And then I can tell you a 12-hour day with the kids, it is not that same experience. It's not that I don't love my kids, but 12 hours with toddlers, I'm not coming home like, Yeah, I'm on fire. I love the shit out of my kids, don't get me wrong. But I do—

I—

that's why I say to moms, the full-time moms, I'm like, you deserve a trophy. You, you chose the hardest job on the planet.

Hardest.

Good for you.

Not a harder job.

Like, literally, like, I love my kids. And even like spending an afternoon with them today, and the nanny came, I'm like, haha, bye. Like, you know what I mean? Where it's— it— I've experienced it different, where like a lot of many entrepreneur men probably have, where like I've hit the exhaustion high. Yeah, so I can kind of relate to it. I don't know where I'm going with this, but, but I think that like men go into this place— oh, that's where I'm going— they go to this place where they're— they, they feel lack of appreciation if there's that lack of connection. But if they're not connecting or seeing their wife, like, we can't see you the same. We physically cannot see you the same. Like, you are— even if you don't get more sex, you are physically more attractive to me when you're kind of like more present with me.

For sure. Like, but you understand, like, that— there wasn't one person, not one time as a young man, where I was ever sat down with a mentor, with another man, with another entrepreneur, or any man when I was coming up through the ranks at 25, who sat with me and told me the greatest investment you will make in the success of your business is the connection with your wife. That was never a correlation. It was never a connection. So not only that, I didn't have any mentors or men around me who went on dates with their wife, who took their wife to lunch, who made time in their day to spend time with their woman. Like, I think about the first years, 4 years we were married, we didn't have kids. My son is up in, in Canada with his mother. We had all this free time. I'm working all day long, you're working on Saturdays. We kind of— I don't remember.

But if you were going out, if you were like a server at a table when we got married and you were spending so much time with me and so present, I don't think I'd be— I'd be like, God, I thought he's going to do more than this. So there's this like attraction that gets killed if you're just like, oh, I love my wife so much, she's so great. I'm like, well, I need you to like, you know, this serving job, like this is not what I signed up for. So I appreciate that you're really present, you're hitting up the Mayan, but like I need you to go make some fucking money. Like that, like I'm just telling you as a woman, like if I see that in you when we're dating, like I expect that. So there's this fine line of like, okay, like I want you to see me, but I need you to work too. Like there's, and there's this attraction factor for women But you can't completely like ignore me and then come home and be like, well, I did my job, now we should have sex. Because like the polarity and the connection just dies. And then both people become resentful. And then you do that for a period of time and then you're like, oh, I guess we're getting divorced. Well, yeah, you went, you know, 5, 7, 10 years. Like, it's probably going to be really, really hard to repair that. And you should probably get divorced, learn from it, and try not to do that with the next person.

Do you feel like when we were first married, you were young. Do you feel like if you had had the breakthrough sexually that you had when you were 30, do you think if you had that sexual drive for yourself back when we were first married— because you gotta look at this from my perspective. I would have no— I'm not saying you had any coaching on it. You didn't. And I didn't have any coaching on the, on the how to like seduce or date my wife. That was not— there wasn't podcasts. Nobody did podcasts. There was no social media. We didn't have any reference. There was no one. Because like, even the game of money, women expect like The young girls expect their boys, their guys, to make big money when they're like 22. Now they're like 50/50, but when I split all the bills, but they expect money now. We never had the expectation, so like there was no point of reference for me. Expectation, like there was not— the expectation wasn't the same. You didn't have an expectation of me being rich.

I did.

Not, not back when we were young.

I did.

Not when we were young.

100% did. You were 7 years older than me And I was like, it doesn't matter what he does, he will be successful.

And like, but how did you define that as rich? We're way past anybody in your family.

Yeah, well, no, like, I think I just— I saw the potential there.

But what was rich at that time?

I remember buying our first house in Vegas and we both were like, yes, but you know, when we first got married, when we first got married, you were making like 10 grand a month, which back then was great. Yeah, like, it was great. Like, so I think I did kind of marry— I was like young, like, I'm like, I married my version of a sugar daddy at 18. You were 25. That was like That was like the age gap couple back then.

Big time.

Okay, so we were raised—

come back, come back to my question though. If, if you had— imagine, just imagine, I'm not— don't take this personal and be defensive. I'm just like, I'm putting a situation out there. I just want you to think about— you didn't have any guidance on the sex side, I didn't have any guidance on the date your wife side, neither one of us had guidance. So we're both like blind idiots trying to figure out how to be married. I'm thinking I'm doing what I'm supposed to, right? Okay, everything in my narrative has been taught in Mormon culture. Everything's been taught in man culture to me. Everybody in business that I knew, all the guys I worked with, all the guys above me that I was working for at the time, learning from the branches we were connected to— everybody fucking worked. They just worked. Like, working was what you did. You worked 10 hours, 12 hours. If you left 30 minutes early, my dad was always working. Your dad was always working too. So, but imagine if I had even the inclination that I was going to come home from work, and when I came home from work, there might be lingerie, there might be my wife.

There wouldn't be though if you were always working, even if we were—

I know, but just let me finish this scenario and then I make you answer. You're answering right now. Just listen for a second. If that was an expectation, which it was not, because sex was still weird for you.

We wore garments.

I know, I'm not saying the scenario was lined up, lined up well. We were in a lot— we're in a tough situation. But if my mind knew we were having sex 2, 3 times a week and it was amazing for us, do you not think this would pull me home from the office when we were first married with more incentive than knowing that it wasn't likely going to happen?

Well, I don't really play the game of if ifs and buts.

God, woman, just play the ifs.

If I were to play the ifs and buts, I would say no. And the reason I would say no is because in our relationship, like 10 years in or whatever it was, you said like, I want more sex, I want more of this. So I became— we've talked about this on many shows—

I became 15 years into our relationship.

I've been— I was like the best stripper you've ever seen. At the end of it, you were like— it like you disconnected. You were high on feel-frees and you were like—

so you're playing forward. Go back to the first few years we're married. Go back to the first few years.

Don't come to the— he was on—

say go back to the first That's why I only have that reference.

If you say this is— try that reference. And my answer is no, because I tried that. I tried the stripper role. I was like, if this is 15 years after we married, it doesn't matter. I still—

it doesn't matter. That's like me making no money for 15 years and then all of a sudden I decide to make money.

You just said it like if this, and I'm like, no, I do not believe it was. I remember in Vegas like being like, like trying— like, I don't want to share this, but I would like flash you in the office as you're walking by on calls, and I'm like, nothing, I got nothing. I got nothing. Remember the little glass door?

Yeah, yeah.

And I was like, I felt so like, I'm like, gosh, he just likes to work all the time. I remember you'd be like on a call and I'd just be like sitting there like just flashing you and I'm like, I hope he sees this. And like nothing. I was like, wow, okay, nothing, nothing. You don't even remember?

I remember. Okay, I'm supposed to— that was not a normal behavior of yours. Flashing me with tits is different than having sex with me.

Okay, well, even when I was trying to be flirty, you are missing the entire point of this conversation.

You don't like the answer?

No, I don't The answer is no. I think that you still would have been addicted to work. I think you would have been like, this is great. I get my cake and eat it too.

But we won't know.

And then I still wouldn't have been seen or heard or anything.

Just listen, woman. Listen.

Why do you not like the answer?

It's not that I don't like the answer. You're continuing to make the answer a conversation of 15 years of a pattern instead of coming back to a— You're playing fantasy here. Just play a scenario out with me. Okay, let's change it. I'll make you feel comfortable about yourself since you're obviously uncomfortable with this topic because you feel like you're being put in a box. So let me put myself in a box. Okay, imagine that I'm taking—

you can't accept the answer.

No, no, you're missing this. This is like doing the math equation that we did like last show that you didn't understand.

That was a stupid math equation.

So no, it was a great math equation. If we come back to the situation, the first 2 or 3 years set a precedence for our relationship. If I had known at the time, somebody coached me or guided me, I went to the gym in the morning, I came home, I had breakfast with you, I had permission in myself, which I could have, but I didn't know I could give myself permission to take off 2 hours in the middle of the day and go to lunch with you. I never did that shit. I didn't know I could. I just knew I had to work. That's it. I was running a team. I was like, you need to be at the office. If you're not at the office, you guys are—

I scheduled myself shopping.

I understand that, but let's imagine I was doing that and I was making all the things I know now. I was able to do then. Okay, okay. And I was doing those things.

Okay.

And I also knew—

so you— wait, hold on, hold on. You're comparing you now if you were then, but I can't compare me 15 years in.

If you were now acted the way you did sexually now back when we were first married, it would have been a totally different equation. We would have started marriage off and it's like you were shy with sex, you were uncomfortable with the window shades being down, all the blinds had to come.

You were guarding so it looked like you're in a onesie.

God, woman, I understand.

Do you know how scarring that is? I have to be honest, like, I, I think I would be a totally different person if I— if like I look at how our kids are raised And I'm like, I would have been a totally different human. And I think that the being raised in the Mormon box is horrible. I think that that culture was scarring. Like, if I'm just being honest, like, okay, there's nothing in it that I feel like was good for me or my soul.

Okay. I'm not disagreeing, discounting any of that. I'm just saying there was no— I was not giving you incentive. You were not giving me incentive. Neither one of us were giving each other incentive. Meaning there was no sign or tell. It wasn't like you were sexually seducing or allowing sexual seduction to happen, and it wasn't like I was being present. Both of us, in the first 10 years we were married, neither one of us understood the game. You, for a period of time, thought that I was a twisted, perverted weirdo because I had such a high sex drive, and that I was the only guy on the planet who probably had this problem. You came to find out that was horrifically not true.

At the same time, weirdo, I felt— I just felt like I, I felt, I felt like I was broken. I was like, there's something wrong with me. And now looking back, I'm like, oh, there's nothing wrong or broken with me. I didn't feel safe and connected, and therefore I wasn't attracted.

And I didn't feel— I didn't know how to get in. I didn't know how to get in. I didn't even know them. I didn't know the moves. I want to talk about getting in you with my penis. I'm saying I didn't know how to even approach the conversation with you besides just ask for it and have you say no. I didn't know how— I didn't even realize sitting on the couch or doing this, I could have altered my whole schedule. I didn't even know I had permission to do this. So here you have two young people getting married. Neither one of us have the script, but I'm just saying, had sex been on the table like it is now, like it's been for the last 10 years in a big way, if it had been on there, it would have changed my experience of working the way I work.

I think that's what I didn't—

it wasn't there. So like, there was no payoff because I'm telling you this because guys get to a place where If the payoff's not there, they will make love to their business, right? Because— and they'll work longer. I'm telling you, they will stay at the office longer. They will make reasons to work longer. They'll work on Saturdays. They'll work because they are avoiding the inevitable, which is, "I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of being rejected. I'm tired of being rejected. I don't get rejected from my company." The problem with this is that disconnection just keeps going, going, going. And this is tons of guys that I talk to all the time that have been down this path for 20 years or trying to put it back together.

So why don't they? Well, here's the thing though, like, I think, I think it kind of goes both ways because I— women, it's like, oh, well, I'm not going to connect with you till I feel safe and seen and heard. But it's like, sometimes it's like, you know what, like, I know he's working hard and providing for the family, like, let's connect intimately, you know what I mean? And it kind of goes both ways where like the, the husband's going to have to be like, okay, I'm going to have to face that I might get rejected, but I need to come home. Obviously I haven't been present, I'm making love with my business, like there needs to be awareness on both sides because I think in our— even still to this day in our relationship, you'll feel kind of like a wobble and you're like, ooh, there's like a, like a, like kind of like a— there's like a tension where it's good and then there's a tension where it's just kind of numbness. And I'm like, oh shit, when you get too far numb, you're just like resentful and you don't care. And then, you know what I mean? So I think in, at least in my experience, it's kind of being aware of your partner's needs and getting back on track. And I always say like in, in everything, in business and in life, like If you look at the outcome that you want, what do you need to do to get that outcome? And I don't want to like— we did a podcast and somebody commented, and I don't want to say anything like negative, but it was like, it was kind of, there was a lot of blame towards the husband. That's how it felt. And I'm like, hey, I get it, but it doesn't matter because I feel like regardless in the relationship, you played a role. Like everybody plays a role. So you have to take radical accountability for how you showed up. So if you're like that, that wife that's like, my husband's working too much, or he's disconnected or he's working, like whatever it is, you're like, okay, well, did you make an effort to cross the line? Like, did you check in on him? Do you know what I mean? So it just kind of goes—

I like where you're going with that.

It just kind of goes both ways. But what I realize, it's very powerful for women to understand this, is that when you do these little things, and I can promise you it's much easier for a man— rub his leg, to come and go have sex with him, you know, like whatever it is, tell him he's awesome, you appreciate it, like little things like that. Then you, you are more present. You help with the kids, and it's not like you're doing it to get something from me. You already got something from me, so you're naturally— what? You naturally want to give towards me. And I think it goes, it goes both ways in a relationship, and you have to really get out of your ego, be like, well, he didn't do this for me. Well, she didn't do this for me. Well, to get what you want, if you put in a little bit of effort and And not just once, because I hear guys in your program all the time, like, I'm— dude, Coach, I'm taking her on dates, I'm doing this and I'm doing this. I'm like, yeah, but you've ignored her for the last 5 years. So she's just trying to build trust right now. She's just trying to decide if you're safe. She's wondering if this next trend of warrior is going to last. And so it's hard because women have been like kind of— they've been guarded for so long that a guy decides to show up, but he's even inside of showing up, he's inconsistent. It's just scary for women. And it's like, if you were inconsistent for 5 years, it's gonna take more than a couple months of kind of showing signs of consistency. But I will say, for women, if your husband's showing up and he's making effort for the change, even if you don't trust him yet, give him some kudos for showing up. And maybe do the same. Maybe he's thinking the same thing about you. Maybe he's like, shit, can— am I gonna be rejected? Can I touch her? Can I connect with her? So like, even if you're like, well, screw him, he's— we'll see how long this lasts. Well, maybe he's thinking the same thing about you, and you need to hold up a fucking mirror. And I think that that's really hard to hear, but it's— it really goes both ways in the relationship.

Why do women have such a hard time with accountability? Um, you struggled with it for a long time.

I think because it's easier to blame. It's easier to like be like— even if you're like he's the villain. Well, then you don't have to take accountability for the role you played. And even if he's the villain and he's the bad guy, he's working, he's reactive, and he's this and that, like, well, what role did you play? And so it's hard because sometimes you're like, I can see that, and then you kind of have to like take accountability but take action steps to work. And it doesn't happen overnight. It's like, it's just like little things here and there. But I think that women, I would say I feel like I'm better at it, but I would say that women have a hard time whether men feel like it's saying sorry or taking accountability because they don't— they, they literally are like, he's at fault, he is the villain, I am the poor damsel in distress.

So she's a victim.

So she's a victim, but she's— she doesn't say the victim, she's the damsel in distress.

I think women are just apparently—

I think women are— so she's like, why should I he's sorry. Yeah, when he's the fucking asshole.

That's what victims always say.

Yeah, but what I'm telling you, like, my point in sharing this principle, Garrett, is that sometimes you're like, well, that's not really what I want. I want my man to show up this way. I want this to be different. Yeah, so it's really hard because you're like, fuck, like, I don't feel like I'm wrong, but I have to surrender the ego enough to make a change, even if only for myself.

Do you ever feel like you're wrong?

Yeah, really? Are you serious?

Yeah.

Any situation that I'm not in, I have to ask myself like, why am I in this situation? Why am I putting myself in that situation? And it's not necessarily like, oh, do you feel like you're wrong? I don't say like I'm wrong or I'm bad, because for women, I figure like, I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm stupid. There's— we spiral into this crazy fucking guilt thing. So for me, I'm like, it's not that I'm wrong. I'm like, it's almost like I'm like, I don't like the outcome that I'm getting, and it's just like I need to choose something different because I have to be very careful with how I like speak to myself. Because if I say things like, you're wrong, you're bad, like it literally can like spiral into like a depression state almost, where I'm like, okay, you're not wrong, but like you don't, you don't want to be here. So what could you do differently to get out of this shithole or whatever, whatever box you just put yourself in?

So, all right, so in the spirit of accountability, what was the role you played in the first 5 to 10 years we were married?

18.

What's— but you're— well, we got married, you were 20, and then you were 30, so that's 10 years.

I think my— well, that's the thing is like, I remember, I think I shared this story before, like we were young, we lived in Vegas, and I had like a very radical awareness at a young age. Like I remember it was like one of the first really big blow-up fights that we had, and I went and slept in the room with the painted tree. Remember the painted tree? And I remember, and I'm just like laying there and I'm so pissed, I'm so pissed, I'm like fuck him, I should get out now, I need to get divorced. I like, I don't even know why I'm here, what am I doing? And I had this like calm feeling come over me that's like, if you don't understand why this is happening, you're just gonna repeat this with somebody else. At 20 years old, who thinks that? And I just remember just kind of, that was my moment of like accountability in myself, even though at a young age I couldn't really describe it. It was just saying like, to me it was like, if you don't figure this out, not on you, if you don't figure this out for yourself you, you're, you're going to repeat it in some way, shape, or form regardless of who you choose to marry.

I agree. I agree 100%. I mean, I just— there's an— I think there's a challenge when the fact that it's, it's, um, therapy. And again, I just hear this from thousands of guys over the years, which is there's, there's— it's a hard situation for a husband to sit in because it feels like I'm not saying this way it is, it feels like everything is always the guy's fault. Now, at a certain level, this is true because you're the leader, you're the man, but there's, there's less credit given for what he has done, but there's a definite microscope on the shit he's not doing. So for example, woman enjoys the lifestyle, the nannies, the help, enjoys the trips, enjoys the money, while at the same time being upset about how hard he works. But at the same time not being okay with reducing the lifestyle. They want the lifestyle, but they want the man. They want the 9-to-5 guy with the entrepreneur spirit.

I—

like, it's an inter— but it's an interesting dilemma.

I hear you, I hear you. However, I'm going to put this on myself. We had—

you want to find a comedy clip we're going to listen to? It's great.

We had the cars, we had the house, we had everything, and I could see that you were dying trying to pursue this lifestyle And so although you can say that, I feel like in a way I was like, I have to— you're not even paying attention.

I'm looking up a clip right now.

Keep going. I have— I was the one that was like, I don't want all this. And I've shared this for years. I'm like, fuck this. I'm like, I don't want all this. Like, if you think this is the lifestyle I want, to a burnt-out husband who's addicted to whatever it is, like, I'm out. And I shared that. I told you, I said, it's not because I don't love you. I said, I'm not— I didn't choose to marry this man. It's not about the cars and the house and the pursuit of you losing yourself. Like, so as much as you thought I wanted the lifestyle, it gave me anxiety. The nannies, the trips. I felt like you were pushing it. Even this last year, you said that. I'm like, I was like, hey, let's pump the brakes and move to Florida. And you're like, nope.

Mwah!

And I'm like, okay. So you can say like, I appreciate the lifestyle, but I'm gonna call you out a little bit in saying that you loved the person people perceived you as. And still do. I'm not saying you're not that person, but you were like, I gotta keep going 90 miles an hour. And I'm like, babe, I just told you to fucking stop going 90 miles an hour. I don't need 90 miles an hour. I know what 90 miles an hour leads to. I was the one that was trying to pump the brakes on our lifestyle. So you can say that like, oh, you love the lifestyle and this and this. Babe, I can tell you in the last couple years when we were booking shit, like, because I wasn't doing the books and the bills, and you're like, yeah, like, I was like, had to like take a, like a deep breath for a second and be like, oh shit, really? Okay, like, okay, we're doing this. And it was, it was in pursuit of performance, sure, but it like, just to kind of touch back on that point of like, if men really think that, like maybe some women are about that, but like if your person is like dying inside and you're like this any good woman is going to be like, this lifestyle is not worth this shit. That's just my two cents.

It's a perplexing message because on the one side your message is, yeah, go make money. That's your job.

Well, yeah, I talked about this, but I know you cannot be a hippie living on the beach and getting—

I understand that, but you could live in a $20,000 a month mortgage house and be happy. No, you have to live in a $200,000 mortgage house. I'm saying like there's a certain line in which expectations for women continue to rise because everything becomes normal and everything normal becomes—

man, it's like when we lost everything like 50 15 years ago and you're like, I'm gonna go get a salary job for $7,000. I'm like, the fuck you are. I'm like, you cannot, like there's this fine line, sure, where you're like, okay, pump the brakes. But when you're like, I'm just grateful for this and you're like, no, you are such, you are more of a man than to accept a backpack and a $5,000 paycheck, no.

What if the suffering of the man is so the woman can have a closet of clothes and bags she doesn't use?

I bought my own clothes and bags.

No, but what if that's the case?

I bought all that shit.

But what if that's the case?

What?

What if that's the case? What if the perpetual push of the guy is to provide an abundantly unnecessary life, and the pressure he's facing is to continue perpetually feed the monster of himself? No, things that you don't need, things that the woman doesn't necessarily need. They're all wants, they're all desires. And we live in a world where nothing's enough, which means it doesn't matter. You get the bag now, you're going to want another bag in 2 months, you're going to want another bag in 2 months, you're going to want more shoes. So it's— I'm not just talking about you, I'm talking about the energy that goes on. We're in a consumer society that no matter what you get, it becomes normal. No matter what level you get to, it becomes normal. No matter how much— like, when we first went to a 5-star hotel together, we were both blown away. We were like, wow, you have to go back to your fast forward 10 years and no, wow.

I, I do enjoy nice things. But I don't enjoy the nice things at the cost of my soul. Like, I'm like, this is not worth it. This is not my husband anymore. I'm not— I'm a prison in this mansion. Like, I like nice things, but not at the cost of my soul. And I—

what about the cost of your husband's soul?

It's same. That's, you know, that's why I was like, you were pushing so hard that I was like, this is not worth it. He is going to die.

I got it. You ready to listen, Bill Burr?

Here we go.

This is going to set the stage just There's like 2 minutes and a half, and it's super— it's gonna paint a picture. You don't have to listen to anything. He's amazing. You can plug your ears the whole time if you want.

Great man with the kid. Happily married man. Yes, I am. Yeah, I love my wife to death. I love everything about being fucking married. But I'll tell you this right now, we do fight a lot. We do argue all the time. If I've learned anything in 5 years of being married is we're always working on me. Evidently my wife is this completed work under museum glass that is to be admired and studied, like, hmm, how did she do that? And I'm like one of these guys, one of, you know, those buildings that just has scaffolding around it for like 6 straight years. So you're like, are they ever gonna finish that thing? Is that some sort of insurance shop? Jesus Christ, what a piece of shit! You should just tear it down, start over again.

First time I saw that clip by Bill Burr, I couldn't stop laughing. I damn near pissed myself because that's like the narrative that this is the world that guys live in. His example of what are you, like a building with perpetual scaffolding that always has to be fixed, and your wife is this perfected goddess under glass in a museum to be observed and looked at. I couldn't stop laughing because this— two guys, this is how it feels being a man, which is every— like, we would go to therapy and I would leave therapy session after therapy session and I would sit in the car and go, at any fucking point, are we going to talk about any goddamn thing this woman does? Or we just going to therapy to try to work on Garrett? Garrett's a fucking problem. Garrett's a tsunami. Danielle's a little plant. He's a tsunami. He's drowning her. He's crazy. He has problems. Even some of our therapists would look at you with like a look like, oh, I can't believe you're with this guy. Yeah, you did, because it was always on your side. I was constantly being thrown under the bus perpetually by you and the therapist. I was like, this sucks. But this is the problem for guys. I'm not saying from the girl's side, I'm saying from the man's side.

Conscious woman, you—

I never— look at this. I'm not—

this is—

when I say this is what's going on for me and guys, this is not an immediate attack on you. And what you just said right there is exactly how women—

I just like to make things about me for fun.

So do all women. That's how we end up with a scaffolding conversation. That's what— that's what— that's That's the scaffolding conversation for guys in marriage, which is— so then guys go to work and they try to fix things, adjust things. My guys come to Warrior like, I'm going to try to make it better, I'm going to try to do it different. And here's what's been wild to watch: man starts shifting into the exact thing woman's been asking for for a while, and the initial response by the woman is not positive.

It's—

talk about that.

I told you, because she's like, oh, finally decides to show up. And there's just this kickback to like see if he's gonna keep doing it. It's like, if I kick back even more, he's gonna cave, and then I can be right. He is an asshole. That's the only reason, so that the woman's ego can be right, because she's like, see, told you. So they kick back to, to like see how long this is gonna last.

Yeah.

And they're probably even more bitchy, and they're angry at Warrior, and they hate fucking Warrior, even though they're like, I saw an ad for Warrior and that's what I want my man to be. And then they're like, oh, he's an asshole, he's changing, but he's not gonna change for long. I'll show him. It's the ego to prove that they're right. Good. Okay, but that's what I'll tell men. If you're— if you— if you're changing and your wife's kind of bitchy, like, you've been a— you've been a dick for a really long time, and like, maybe be patient. Like, just be patient that she's going— she's going through her own shit too. She's going— she's trying to process. She's trying to figure out if this is gonna last. Like, if she puts up a fight and is like, whatever, like, you gotta at some point— like, you're not doing it for your wife, you're doing it for you. So if your wife benefits, great, but you should really be doing it for you. If you stay with your wife or you don't, you should probably strive to be a better man for the next woman you're going to be with. And if your wife happens to turn the corner and you guys make it work, good for fucking you. But like, do it for you and keep showing up consistently for you because that's the problem. If you say you're just doing it for your wife, then you'll quit. You'll quit and be like, fuck her. I think I said fuck too many on this show.

Sorry. Yeah, you got the fuck meter going up, don't you? You're doing great. So I will, I will second that. I think a lot of the change I tried to make over time— first, first form of change was, if I do this, will I get laid? That was a plain narrative. If I clean up the kitchen, if I do this, I then— did she see me do this? Look at me, babe. Look at me. Did you see me do this?

You see me? That's the other thing, that energy is so unattractive to women. If it's like, if I do this, then I get sex, we're like, yeah, cool, I thought I wanted this, turns out I don't. Now I'm even more turned off because he's doing it only because he wants to have sex. He doesn't even actually care about me. So it's very conflicting. So, but I would, I don't know about, I would say, I don't know how it is for guys, but there's times where I'm like, I don't really want to do this. And the more I do things, it like butters you up. And then it's like, oh, okay. And then it doesn't feel like an obligation thing. It's like, I know I want to do this for my husband, or you know what I mean? Like, even though it's not like necessarily like the first thing in my nature, it's like, oh no, I want to do this for my husband. But that's how it goes with a lot of things. And I do believe that like personality plays in how we like show up with our partners. But I also do know that you can change personality behaviors because like even for me, like I'm super— not super— I grew up very quiet, very introverted, and I hated that about myself. It just bugged me. Anytime I would talk to somebody, I would get awkward, I would blush, I'd be like uncomfortable. And now I'm like, you can put me on a stage, you can put me on a podcast, you can put me with any famous person on the planet. I don't— I'm not— I've like overcome that. I'm very comfortable in myself and my communication. And but that was a skill that I had to acquire through lots of reps. And so people just think like they go into a marriage with their, their personality and they're like, oh, I'll change my personality in business, but I am not you, babe. You better accept me for who I am. And you're like, but wait, you became this super successful entrepreneur. But like you, so I know you're capable of creating new habits and patterns of behaviors. And it's something that like I've even been trying to work on in me and you've been trying to work on in, in you. Like me trying to like validate you more and you trying to work on your reactivity. And it's like, it might not be innate in your personality, but it's almost like I think of like a business skill that you acquire. And very few people inside of a relationship look at it that way. And if you kind of looked at, you know, you look at how much you've done in your business, if you want a successful marriage, why don't you at some level kind of look at your relationship like a business? But I get it, it's hard. There's kids, there's emotion, there's hormones, there's everything involved. But It's really like showing up consistently to get the results that you're looking for.

Well, I would tell you this, I'm 15 days with no alcohol.

I know, you look clear.

I'm sorry. I had people tell me today that I look like, I look way younger.

I was thinking that. Maybe it's 'cause you shaved your beard, but I was like, oh, you look like a less tired, less hard.

Yeah, that's what whiskey will do to you. Makes you look like a hard fucker.

An old whiskey dick.

And not even like in a good way. But here, hey, with the whole whiskey dick. She's this woman. So here's what, here's what I'll tell you. This has been interesting though in the last 15 days is I have wanted to get to this place where my sex drive was not something I felt off about. And what I mean by that is like, yes, I have a high sex drive for sure. But at the same time, I was like, I— why do I— why do I have to feel like this is a problem to myself?

That's not a problem.

But you pointed out it was quite a problem for a lot of years.

Well, it was a problem because all the pressure, I felt like, landed on me, and it was just like—

well, you were the one vagina I had. I'm not sure where I could point that pressure somewhere else. I don't know, all the booty girls at the gym? No.

So I just don't want to determine your happiness or your reactivity based off of Did he get laid?

Totally get it. That was a narrative for me for a long time, probably 10, 15 years, probably longer. Like, my, my happiness did revolve around validation and sex with you. So when it wasn't happening, I didn't feel validated. And when I didn't feel validated, my desire to hang out with you went to zero, which is super weird because I was like, oh, she doesn't want me, she doesn't care about me. Which again is a problem on— I'm not even saying the source content of it is accurate, I'm just saying like the principle of it is true for most guys. And until they figure out something different. So what I've been finding out the last year, what I've been figuring out for myself, and particularly, I don't know, the radical difference not having any alcohol in my system for 15 days— my sex drive is still there. It's not that I don't care. It's that I'm in this place where I'm like, hmm, I'm done being controlled by her.

I don't want to get this topic.

I know, I'm not even saying you were trying to, though girls manipulate the shit out of sex to get what they want. But I will tell you, like, I was like, what if, what if I was in a place where it mattered but it didn't matter? Like, I started thinking this and I was like, what if it mattered but it didn't matter? If I had it, great. If I didn't, great. If I— it's no different than what I've done in business. Something bad happens, you're like You're like, okay. Something great happens, you're like, okay. Either way, you're still gonna go. So back to the principle of build yourself. I'm in an interesting place with you where I'm like, she's hot. But also I'm in a new stage too where I'm actually, for the first time in probably like my whole life with you, I know you're physically beautiful. You have a stunning body. You are gorgeous. And I'm actually, for the first time in a real way that's tilted, I'm like, I kind of don't know if I know you. What I mean is, I know you, but sex has been so much of the conversation, and you've always felt so much pressure, and I've always felt so much rejection. I'm like, we were having sex when we were first dating, and we had so much fun. We connected all the time. Made out all the time, hung out all the time, just like drive, talk, listen, hang out. I feel like we're getting to that place again where I'm like, she is a soul beyond nice breasts and a nice ass. Like, and I know that, I know that logically, but I'm entering this new place. And maybe it's because I'm turning 50, my testosterone levels are not low. I just got my blood work, they're 1600, they are high.

Are you on drugs? Are you on testosterone?

Yeah, yeah, of course I'm on testosterone. Oh yeah, I just got my blood work back. I'm at 1600. That's high. Okay, so it's not that my T levels are lower, and I'm— but I'm in this different place where I'm actually curious. I feel like—

you want to get to know me again?

I feel like I want to get to know who you are now.

Yeah, you don't want to just be controlled by the sex card?

No, I'm like— I don't— to the point that you've even become more like— you started getting nervous about it the last couple weeks. You started being anxious about it in a way that was new too. You were like, why are you not—

because I've been—

oh, we've been in a pattern like this before where you just shut off.

And then I'm like, oh, he just shut— he's just shutting off as like a protecting mechanism where you're just like, hey babe, gotta work Saturdays. Oh, stretching out, like not getting home till like 8. Like you start kind of going back into like putting your energy into work because that gives back to you more than me sexually. I guess hopefully not sexually in work.

Sylvan, does the office give me back more sexually? Constantly. Confirmed. Confirmed by Sylvan.

I'm starving. Let's wrap this up.

All right, you are starving. Sorry. Here's what I'll finish on. I'm on an adventure.

That's good.

I went up to the mountains for my 50th birthday celebration with no one, by myself. That was amazing. And I got to spend a few days up in North Carolina. Enjoyed that. Blue Ridge Mountains. Never been up there before. That was fantastic. Not exactly the Pacific Coast Mountains. It's not the Rocky Mountains. It's not the giant mountains I'm used to.

We are going to Costa Rica, right?

And we're going to Costa Rica.

Everyone I've talked to, I told them we're going to Costa Rica, they're like, oh, I've heard it's amazing. And you've been there, but I think this will be a different experience for you because of course I've never gone there with you.

I always went surfing with my friends.

And you weren't you staying in like a shithole tent?

Well, we just stayed in a little surf lodge. Just didn't mean anything. We just were like having a good time. All we wanted— we were never in the lodge. We drank beer in a lodge and we surfed all day.

I know You are saying like a nice place, right?

We went to bed. No, we had a bed and we were fine.

We're staying in these fancy tents.

I know, we're staying in outdoor tents in the middle of the jungle. And literally for 5 or 6 days we're going to be in the middle of the jungle. We're not— we're 2 and a half hours from the beach. And at the same time there's only things to do, which is hike, do yoga, get a massage, and talk.

That's it.

Excited.

I was trying to think of something like you for your birthday, and I was like, if they're not like tents, guys, like they're like It's like a house with a tent.

If it was a Garrett J White, you know what I'm talking about.

If it was a Danielle tent, it's like that. It's a 5-star tent.

It's glamping at its highest level.

It's glamping.

But they just call it tents here, but it's not.

Happy 50th, babe.

Well, thank you. We'll give you an update after the trip to Costa Rica. As you can tell, Danielle and I are a circus, and it is a constant conversation. Our attempt here with the show—

We don't know.

We are not trying to—

No, we're trying to be real.

We're not trying to to prove to you anything. What we are doing is the following, which is interesting, because we're going to be releasing an experience called the Date Your Wife Experience, which is doing all the things I do in Wake Up Warrior, but we do with couples, which is bringing couples together into an experience virtually once a week, and then quarterly events here at the office in Miami to experience this kind of dialogue and conversation around a content, a curriculum that we've built based on what we're experiencing. We've been together for 25 years. We have 5 children and a grandchild. And it was interesting sitting there in the world of divorce and so many people going and running the racket that direction, which I get, I understand. We're finally getting to this place where we're like, dude, we not only made it, we continue to make it. We continue to evolve as couples. And the question we keep getting— I'm working with 4 different couples right now. They're all power couples with both producing couples, and they're all asking the same questions. They're like, how did you get there, Danielle, Garrett? How did you guys pull this? How did you navigate this? How did you navigate this? And the scenarios between a woman who's full-time, hardest job in the world as a mother while the husband produces and/or two producing people, both running companies or both running a company together, they face different dynamics. So we're going to be releasing more about that. It's called Date Your Wife Experience. You'll learn more about it here. We'll leave it at the date.

My goal in doing something together is I think we've been wanting to launch something for couples for a while. And, and it's like, I'm not trying to say I'm a therapist or we're perfect, but I think that there's a lot of power in sharing your story. And I think when you can people feel more open to share their story. Yeah, well, and they're just open up conversation, you know what I mean? And if you can open up conversation, then you have a chance. Because I can imagine even in therapy, there's probably a lot of times, you know, especially for us in the beginning, it was like, I don't want to share this. But if I was in a room where I could hear other people share stories, it would open up. I would feel safer having a conversation even with my husband behind closed doors because I wouldn't feel so alone.. And so, you know, if you're listening to this and you relate to anything that we're talking about, I would just say, you know, when we launch this, come entertain it, you know, if you're feeling that calling, because I think that's where it starts is just like feeling that calling to have change and, and really inviting yourself to like be honest with yourself, with your partner, whatever that looks like.

There you go. So we'll talk some more about that. Also, again, like I said before, we have a daily podcast called The Warrior on Fire or The Daily Scroll. You can check that out every single day. And we love that you're here for the show. Thank you for being here. We ask that you share the show with other couples and other individuals, and that you have conversations around the topics that we're talking about, which based on Danielle has been sex the last couple weeks. I don't typically bring up that topic. Okay, I do, but Danielle has been the instigator. We all know this, and she can't do sex math, which we tried on a couple other shows to help her understand this. Anyways, thanks for being here. Share the show up with somebody else, and this brings us to a conclusion for another episode of the Date Your Wife podcast.