What Do You Actually Want From Your Marriage? | Date Your Wife Experience LIVE

So to be in a place where this is not my enemy and this is my best friend and a support system, I mean, good goo goo.

I didn't create a container for her to feel safe to talk. Well, welcome to the Date Your Wife Experience. Different Time. Same day. We made a move in the time. We're gonna see about settling at this time, possibly a different time. We'll see as we continue to roll out. We have had a vision for what this can be. Next week at this exact same time, we're going to do a live experience with the community. We're gonna have 5, 6 couples that'll be here in town in Miami for our week-long events. So we have workshops that happen Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday next week with our different groups from Forger Council to Savage. And we have 5 different couples that are gonna be in town. So as well as Lori and Steven and myself and Danielle and a series of 4 other couples. So we're gonna have a different experience that's gonna happen next week at this time that we'll do live during the event. And then that will also usher in the experience of the community and some things we're gonna share a little bit with you about today. But to get us started, let's come to the lovely and talented— not Danielle K. White. Let's come to Steven West. Steven, number one win for you this week in marriage as a husband. Win from your perspective, not hers. She's done a great job of sharing such profound beauty over the last couple of weeks. What has been a win for you as a husband in the last week?

You were trying to get me to answer, but you said we're all lying sacks of doo-doo and what your woman says. But I'll give it a shot because I love you. My win as a husband, dude, I win every day. So that's a good question.

That is what you told me last night when you came.

Oh, God told me that. So the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I've had so many good intentions of sharing good shit and then just didn't. So God told me while I was brushing my teeth to go tell my wife that I couldn't do what I do without her, that she was perfectly designed to create the sanctuary and the peace and the encouragement and the support. I get no shade about nothing, like nothing. Now she's got it pretty good too, because she can go buy baskets and— new cars and flit about and do whatever the hell she wants to. So, but she manages my business. I am a kept man. I am a well-kept man. So God told me to tell her, and I did, that there's no way I could do what I'm called to do if I had any friction, pushback, chaos. And remember how wrecked I was over women with what my daddy told me and my horror stories. So to be in a place where this is not my enemy, And this is my best friend and support system. I mean, good goo goo mooga. So yeah, I forgot I told you that. That's how old I am.

Big win out of the gate. We'll come back to you two here in a minute. Kevin, Kevin, your turn. Big win for you this week as a husband.

I'd be more curious what she has to say.

No, to Giselle for the answer.

What's yours?

I'd say my consistency in continuing to show up in the realm of my body. And that might seem like it's more something for me, but I've been trying to get my body into alignment for a long time, and she has been very patient and sweet and let me work through a lot of things. And, uh, and prodded and pushed me, um, and threw a fit at times too, which is okay. Um, but my ability to continue attacking the stories and, you know, hitting even a new low this week, um, for me is probably the biggest win because that's giving me energy, the ability to focus, the ability to You know, go on dates to the gym. We go like 3 times a week at least together. And just consistently showing up is something like I'm just stacking that irrefutable evidence that like this is the new me versus backing, backing out.

Well done. We'll give Giselle a chance to share here in a minute as we get started. And that's right, we're letting the guys talk first this time.

Giselle, my outfit's from Lululemon.

Thanks.

Like 90% of our outfits from Lululemon and Aloha. Okay, so we're gonna get started today. Again, we changed up the time mostly because Danielle and I have commitments at night on Thursdays with the kids that we were trying to get around that are not happening. So to be more consistent, we're gonna do it now. Like I told you before, next week is going to be a very Interesting and exciting experience. We're going to have 6 different couples are going to be together in person here in our offices. We're also going to have just under 75 men that will be here for our events. We're going to be doing a group kind of experience. We'd encourage you to come back with your spouse that time. Be the same time, 3 o'clock PM Eastern. But we're going to also introduce how we see the community experience being rolled forward, like what that's going to look like. So there's an opportunity inside of our community to participate at lots of different levels. Our ultimate goal is to be able to create a place where people can have a conversation. Some of that will ultimately be coming in person here to the offices for experiences like are happening next week with the couples that will be here, and then different variances in that. At the end of it, we want you guys to have a place to be able to come, to be able to communicate, to be able to talk and engage with other couples through the experience of being married. So to get us started, we're going to ground. But before we ground, anything you want to say as we get started?

No. Nope.

No.

Perfect.

Okay, we're good to go. So go ahead and close your eyes. Close your eyes, say prayer, and we're gonna have a little moment of silence to be with yourself. As we do this, let's do a little breathwork, get ourselves into position to receive. And go ahead and take a deep breath in, number 1, and release. I know it's the middle of the day for some of you. It's heading to mid-afternoon for some of you. There's been a lot to handle. Some of you have handled kids today, handled work today, business today, and you're taking a pause in the middle of the day. So we're just going to slow ourselves down again with a second deep breath in and release. And on this third breath, again, we're going to take a deep breath in, and as we do that, we'll hold our breath at the top. As we hold our breath, we're just going to focus on our heart. Allow ourselves to connect into the fact that you're very much alive, that you are creating, growing, and experiencing, and just sit for about 10 seconds in that position. And deep breath in, number 3, and hold.

3, 2, 1.

And release. Father, as we get started here in this Date Your Wife Experience call, we ask that your guidance would be here with us, that each one of these individuals and couples that have decided to be here with us today, that they would be grounded in their truth. That, Father, you guide them to see just one more thing today, one more step forward to be able to guide their lives in the direction that you're calling them. That as we go into some of the experiences today, that the conversations that they get to have with you, they get to have with their spouse, and they get to have with each other, that you would inspire us all to speak from truth.

Mm-hmm.

And that from that place of truth, that we would connect to a deeper knowing of ourselves and you, as well as the person that we've chosen to spend life with. Father, guide us to become more unified as couples and more unified as a community. Here is our prayer as we end this Prayer and open up a simple 60 seconds of silence. We ask that you would meet each one of us in that silence and share with us and connect with us in both the feeling or the words or the vision that we need to see and experience as we get started today. And Father, we begin this moment of silence and seal this prayer in the sacred and holy name of Jesus the Christ. Amen. And deep breath in. And release. And for the next 60 seconds, we're not going to talk. There's no music. There's just you. And just be with you and yourself in 3, 2, 1, and off we go. And deep breath in and release. And with your eyes still closed, I'm going to ask you 2 questions. Just sit here in this space that you've created for yourself. The first question is simple. What is the thing you're most proud of in you as a spouse and a partner this week? I'm proud of myself. Either something you've done, something you thought, or a move that you made. Something you can be proud of. And on the flip side comes a second question, which you're going to write about here in a second. What is the thing that you know must improve? Either something that you're not doing or something that needs to be done differently. Two ends of the spectrum: something that you're proud of, that you're. Excited that you have accomplished in the last week and the way you've shown up. And on the other side, something that you know clearly can use a bit more attention, more energy, and more love. And here in a moment, we're going to take one more breath, and then I'm going to get you into writing. I'll turn some music on, you open your eyes, and we'll begin to write for the next 2 and a half minutes. And 3, 2, 1. Deep breath in and release. Go ahead and open your eyes. Beautiful. So we're just gonna write. We've got 2 and a half minutes. We can put some music on. What are the 2 extremes for you? Something you're incredibly proud of that happened this week for you as a partner, and something that needs a little love, needs some more attention, needs some energy, needs to begin, stop, etc.? Okay, so we're gonna go— if you're If you're clear about where we're going on this writing activity, give me a thumbs up.

Beautiful.

Okay, we're writing in 3, in 2, in 1, off we go. Okay, so we have these 2 points, 2 ideas. Uh, we're gonna take just a second for you to share with your spouse, and we're gonna take some shares as a group. So again, 2 things. What is the thing that you're proud of in you, how you showed up in the last week? Now, your spouse may not agree or may see it differently, and it's fine. What is yours? And then what is the thing that you know for you could improve this week? So give me an example. Danielle, you ready to go first?

Sure.

Thing you're proud of.

Um, I guess giving my daughter who works for me direction, because I usually when I hire people, I just advocate or I'm like, I figured it out. And I'm like, well, she can only perform as well as I'm willing to communicate. So I guess I'm proud on— we're still working on it, but I'm proud of my Communication skills.

Got it. What's the thing you need to improve?

Um, probably a lot of little things. Um, I would say right now my patience with Charlie.

So patience with Charlie. So example of mine, um, proud of what we had talked around the budgeting coach for us, but in our personal finances, I got that locked down. So I'm glad that's finally in play. And then the second one needs work— more focused time in the morning with the kids. So like, I spend time with the kids in the morning, but I end up working half the time, just being on my phone, walking around the condo. So that's something I want to improve. So the time is there.

Maybe give them like 30 minutes right when they wake up.

Quality needs more. They get that when they first wake up, but it's— they need a bit more.

Yeah.

OK. So I'm going to do a simple example from our side. We're going to do the same thing, 3 minutes for you guys to share with each other. And just talk through it. What am I seeing myself? Both sides. Again, just let the other— just let your partner share where they're at. This is part of the drill that we're going into that's going to be fun today. Okay. If you're clear about what we're doing in our shares, give me a thumbs up. All right. Shoebox are here and it must be warm. We're feeling better. We don't have the beanie. Yes. Hair's out flowing. We're looking great. Feeling better. Fantastic. I love that you two are here. Okay, here we go. We're going into share with your spouse. Again, if you're here by yourself and your partner's not with you, uh, this is an opportunity for you to do one of two things. One, just write, or number two, send an audio to your spouse about these two things. Okay, here we go. We've got 2 and a half minutes or 3 minutes on the share time. We're going in 3, we're going in 2, we're going in 1, off we go. Okay, here we go. Giselle has her ponytail in, she's ready to rock today. So Giselle, to share with us, what are you seeing for you? One thing about you that you were like, hey, listen, killed that this week. And one thing where you're like, I might be able to make some improvements or progress this a bit.

Okay, so one thing that I think I did good at was actually being more open and sharing feedback and like just communicating in general. I feel like we were closer. This week, like having open conversation for the last week. And then one thing that I could improve on is I've noticed that I have a difficult time like sharing what I'm like, what I appreciate in my husband and what I'm grateful for. It's very uncomfortable for me. Not that I don't appreciate or have gratitude. It's just it's something I should probably explore beyond this because it's a very uncomfortable. thing. And so, um, definitely you want to work on showing and sharing appreciation.

Got it.

I have a question.

Go for it.

I get that from Garrett a lot too, where he's like, he wants me to— more words of validation, appreciation, things like that. And, and I'll be like, I feel like I am, like, but then maybe I could do more. But it's almost like, it's not that it's like hard for me, but it's like For me, I'm like, you should know you're awesome. Like, I'm like, you should know you're awesome. So how is it like for you? I'm just like asking, maybe for women, is it like we have to be more intentional about it? You know what I mean?

Yeah, I don't know. And I don't even know why it's uncomfortable to even share. I just— because I do like him, you know, he's cool.

That's good.

But yeah, like you say, it's— I don't know. And I don't know if, like, there's something that goes back to, like, maybe it's the, the whole feeling of, like, maybe showing, like, appreciation for what I said afterwards that makes me nervous. And I know that's not exactly what you asked, but—

I was just— anyway, I was just curious on my own side because I'm like, why, why don't I? And then I'm like, I feel like I do, but then part of me is just like, well, you should just know you're awesome. And that's not, like, uncomfortable, but it's almost like Why why should you need that? Like for me, I'm like you know. So I had to remind myself. I'm like you look hot. You look great. You're doing great. But then it comes across like inauthentic. But do you do you care that if I'm I just I'm like you're doing great. You look awesome. You look hot.

I like it.

Okay, just curious.

But like Giselle, does Kevin share more of his words of appreciation with you than you would say you do with him?

He does. He um he goes out of his way a lot to really like. Send me a text too in the morning. Like, I appreciate this about you. And I'm always like, thanks, love it.

But I just, I don't know what to say back.

Got it. Kevin, if Giselle sends you an audio note or a text message speaking positivity or speaking powerful things over you or appreciating, what does that do for you as a man?

So massive amounts of fuel. Like, it makes me feel like I want to put on armor, grab a sword, and go to war. And I know that sounds like cliché, but, uh, from, from Core 4, right? I send messages and I, I save them in a journal. So I have a message to her every single day this year that I've, that I've saved. And, um, In one of her— those, and sometimes she just likes 'em cuz they come through every day. Right. Mm-hmm. Um, but, um, there was this one time that she actually replied back and said something. I can't even remember what it was, but I can still remember the feeling. And I was like, let's go. Like, I'm gonna go take down the world. Like, I'm gonna go kick butt. So that, that's the feeling that comes with it.

Yep.

So I have the same feeling, which is why at times it's difficult for me to understand how a woman who can be so committed to her social media, online shopping, email campaigns, marketing campaigns, Slack campaigns with everybody, which for about 6 hours a day on her cell phone, struggles at times to communicate her words of appreciation to me.

So do you want it in an email form?

Yes, please.

Written by ChatGPT. She ChatGPT'd me a few times. I knew it. I was like, what? The ChatGPT message?

I was like, why? Because my messages, I'm like, hey, babe. Literally, I'm like— and I'm laughing because sometimes he'll send me a really nice message. But it's not that I don't want to respond back, but I'll be in the middle of doing something. So I give him a heart, you know? But he wants a big response back. I'm like, no, I gave you a heart. Like a red one. Like the red heart, babe.

That means a lot.

Yeah. And I, I, it's funny because not too long ago you guys did on your, on, I think it was Danielle's Instagram where you guys were doing like these different poses and she was like, that is so cool. And like, she was like blown away. And I was like, like, what do you want from me? Like, let's go. Like, I, I'm ready to fight. Look at me, I'm right here. Um, but I get that too cuz it pulls 'em in and, uh, but I do. I'd go to war.

Yep. So I'm gonna put this out because it can go both directions, which I've seen couples too where the man is less receptive to it and the woman gives more. Like, based on the energy, I don't even think it's a man or woman thing so much as an energy thing where some of us are willing— like, the natural game is to say you're awesome. Like, that's natural for me. I'm in an elevator, I'm with people I don't even know, and I'm cheerleading everybody on up to the 5th floor. Looking at everybody like, hey, you got your coffee? You ready to go? Are y'all ready to go? Is today gonna be a great day? Yeah, yeah. I was like, no, no, no, that's like, what is this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are we ready to go today? Like, yeah, it's Thursday. I'm like, good. All right, team. And I leave. I don't know anybody in the elevator. Danielle looks at me like a complete straight, like, weirdo with the fact that I do this everywhere. Versus Danielle with her hat down.

Oh yeah.

And like, don't look at me, pretend like I don't exist, sitting in the elevator. Oh my God, I can't believe we're in this elevator. Why, why are you talking to all these people right now? So Very different. And this friction itself for us was like, it was tough for a long time. We've gotten to a better understanding with each other on this. So let's get a couple more shares and then let's go. Let's come to the shoebox. Andrew, did you what? Did you get bigger pecs?

Yeah, I got the filler.

You got some filler? You got some filler?

I've been shooting it in for him.

You've been— that's Thursday night date nights. We're just gonna pump it.

Thursday night, I get the injections.

Exactly.

So, Andrew, share, what are you seeing from your side? Like, one thing from you that you're like, hey, I'm proud of this this week, and one thing you're like, all right, I could probably do a little, a little bit more work or love in this area.

My, um, my son from college My nonverbal teenage son and my wife are all here at the same time, and I've done a very good job dividing myself to spend time with them equally, doing each of their individual things that they like to do with them. So I've—I'm proud of myself for that. Where I need, where I definitely need work is. Not flipping out violently and publicly when I feel like my needs aren't being met, um, in reciprocation.

What is one— what is one need that you feel like is not met, whether, whether it is or it's not from the outside, just from you on the inside?

I mean, it's, it's general understanding what my needs are and anticipating how you— how somebody might be able to meet them. And I'll give you a specific example. Yesterday I worked like a dog. You know, I spent time with my older son. I spent some time with my younger son. I worked out. I didn't get a chance to eat all day. And we ended up having to leave something that we were doing, which was like right in a place that had a million restaurants, only to come home and have no restaurants still delivering food. and I didn't get to eat. And somebody, somebody could have made me a meal, but they decided that they needed to eat their leftovers before they cooked. And at some point, I just missed my eating window and didn't eat, and I got hangry as fuck.

Is it— can you, can you validate? Was there, was there hangry as fuck happening last night?

Oh yeah. Um, but I, I, I mean, I, I literally I had a small amount of like, like 3 or 4 teaspoons of like corn or something. And I just, um, and then I was like, all right, I'm ready to, you know, make some eggs or something quick because it wasn't like— it was late and, and he kept saying like you can't eat a big meal too late at night. So, um, so, and then I got yelled at for— yeah, I, I should have just Not— I should have just made him something, you know, to avoid that. But it was not a long period of time. Um, but I— he's right, I should have just taken care of him. Um, before I had a— when I say a few mouthfuls, I'm not exaggerating. It was like 3 teaspoons.

Gotcha.

And I also hadn't eaten since the night before. He does get hangry and he does need his food. I could go a day and not eat and not be that bothered by that. But Andrew, when he needs his food, he needs his food.

I'm putting out 4,500 calories a day and I need some food.

The blood sugar's low.

And if I'm, you know, taking— if I'm paying attention to and taking care of everybody in the family individually while working, I don't have time to, you know, to plan, prepare.

100%.

Just make me a meal, or, or not make us leave a place that has 100 restaurants around it so that we can relieve the nanny to make— to convenience him and inconvenience ourselves. I mean, there's a lot of different ways that could have been solved. I just feel like I shouldn't have had to have choreographed that.

I should have just left and you and Sergio went out to dinner.

Whatever. I needed to eat.

We have one solution in the middle of all this, which is meal prep.

Yeah, well, I was going to say, I—

If I don't have meal prep, we're in trouble.

And I hate being in a situation like if my blood sugar is low, like, I'm a crazy person too. And like, one of my secrets to success, because I used to own a salon and run a salon and nobody eats. I always have protein prepped, always. Otherwise, like, I am— everybody's a little bit crazy when you don't have food. Like, you're running on fumes, you say stuff you don't mean to say. So to avoid all of that, I would just say you guys always have a meal prep. Or for me, it was like I always had protein prepped. Like, even if I'm hand-filling chicken breasts, like something, you know?

Andrew, does she?

Yeah, no, that's really smart. And I've been married to him long enough to know better. You know, it was just, it was just one of those, those nights where it was— there was a, a party and, um, my stepson Sid, who's 22, it's, you know, he's— he doesn't know kids his own age and, and I really wanted to take him because there were going to be, you know, potentially some people in their 20s and just— and he's leaving soon and—

The, the, the thing is, Garrett, you eat for fuel. Right. So you just care that you have a certain number of calories of this, a certain number of calories of that. You don't really give a shit what the food tastes like. Food is the only joy I get out of life, pretty much. So the meal prepping thing—

No, we enjoy food. We go out to dinner at least 2, 3 times a week, and we'll both order something that we want to taste. And it's not just like shoving food in. It's not like every day we're like, we're like thinking about what's our favorite meal we're going to have. Like, we're not really—

Listen, Andrea Danielle will make dinner for her and all the girls, but like, my meal prep game is so dialed in. Like, not because I'm like dialed in, it's just there. And I don't count on it. Like, they're cooking and I'm—

Well, no, I'll tell you, I think I— because I used to food prep. I've done bikini competitions, all this stuff. So I just got used to cooking and I would make him food every single night and have it ready for him. But then he— it like wasn't his love language. Like, he didn't care. And so I stopped doing it. I was like, if you don't notice it, I don't— I'm not going to do it for you anymore. So, you know, everybody's different, but that wasn't one of his needs. He didn't care if I made him food. I was like, okay.

Okay, so we have— we've landed on the hangry topic.

And, and we're, we're very opposite.

Like, that is definitely one of Andrew's love languages, and Honestly, I, for the most part, eat because I have to. I don't have a huge love of food. I know him well enough. It actually was one of the— I wasn't hangry, but I was so crazy. I don't need a lot to fix it. Like I said, it was a couple of mouthfuls, but I I was at that point where I was like almost in pain from lack of food. Like, it had definitely been more than 24 hours since I'd eaten, and I was just, uh, I was like aching. So I, I should have just waited longer and made sure he was fed. But, um, so good.

Like, I wanted to point out all this in this episode just to start looking. So many times we said every single weekend, it becomes very easy to look at the things that aren't working. And not focus on the things that are. Here's the things that we are doing and progressing. We watch this happen. I watch this happen with guys. I watch this happen with couples. I have to remind several couples I'm working with right now, like guys in worry that their spouse are part of the process of, listen, hey, can we recall and look at where we were 2 weeks ago? Can we look at where we were 4 weeks ago? Yeah, we're in a situation right now, but look at where we were a month ago. Like, look at what was true a month ago and look at what's true right now. So we're going to spin this exercise into something a little bit different, which is getting clear about what you want in contrast to what you don't want. So I want you to look at this as, as a game. And I'm going to come to Lori and Steven on this one and bring them up real quick. And I'm gonna come to Lori. Lori, when you look at this idea of what you want in contrast to what you don't want, Why is it easier to get clear about what you don't want than what you do want?

Typically, it's easier to know what I don't want because it was pure hell. And that's just— that's just easy. It was just awful. I don't want what I had a year and a half, 2 years ago at all.

In that moment when you were going through this with Steven, you'd have been through the first marriage. Steven had been through first marriage, and here you were again in this situation. Things were not where you wanted them to go. At the time you were feeling this and experiencing what you two have articulated every week for the last couple of weeks on this, were you clear at that time about what you did want, or were you simply clear about the fact that you could not continue to endure nor experience What you were experiencing? How clear were you about what you were wanting versus just, I can't do this anymore?

I wasn't clear at all because it was so bad. All I knew was escape.

Yep.

Hide, run, go.

Yep.

Protect myself.

Yep. So here's gonna be a short exercise we're gonna do right now. Okay, there are laundry lists of things about what you don't want in marriage. Everybody has them. Things that are irritating, upsetting, frustrating. Small things, big things. Hey, this is something that I don't want to continue anymore. Like, I don't like feeling this. I don't like experiencing this. I don't want this to continue. I don't want to continue to be in this experience this way with you or myself. But on the flip side of this is a clarity about what you do want. And this over— this outweighs so often the clarity of what we do want. So we're going to pivot this for a second. I want you to look, and we're going to spend a couple minutes writing on this. If you could move your hand across the plate of your life, you can move it across your marriage, and there was one thing that you could experience new, different, or deeper that you are not experiencing, or you are experiencing that would be even more profound. In your marriage. Like, no matter how— no matter what the process was to get there, you were like, if this occurred for me in our relationship, this matters to me. Like, this is something I'm clear about what I want. And what we're gonna ultimately get to is a potential of getting clear about your non-negotiables. Here are the things that are non-negotiable for me. I'm going to do whatever's required inside of my relationship to create the container so that I can experience these things That I truly want. Okay, so we're gonna spend a couple minutes, we're 2 minutes writing on this, and I want you to spend a moment just looking at yourself and saying, okay, if there was one thing that I could create inside my marriage— maybe you're already experiencing it, but you want to experience more of it or something different, or maybe you're not experiencing it at all, maybe it did in the past, but right now it's not there— but you're saying, okay, if I could create it, here is what I want. This is what I, this is what I am clear about is the thing that I am wanting again to experience more of, to go deeper with, or maybe we're not experiencing at all and you want to start experiencing it. Okay, if you're clear about what we're doing here for the next 2 minutes, give me a thumbs up. Okay, perfect. We're riding. Let's go. We're riding in 3, 2, 1. 2 minutes, off we go.

Okay.

You ready?

Sure.

Pretty sure yours.

So what I want, what I have, or what I want more of that are like my non-negotiables in marriage?

It can be non-negotiables. We're not quite there yet, but yeah, just like something you want to experience deeper or something new that you're not experiencing.

Um, I would say I like when you notice and appreciate, like, the little things that I do, even though they're not a big deal, because it makes me feel like you're like, You're noticing little things, you know what I mean? So they're like, I like that and I like more of it. I'm not saying it's not there. And then I would say financial safety and security. I feel like we're always like this and it's fun and then it's scary and then it's fun and then it's scary. And so I feel like, I think I've seen a huge improvement of stability.

Mm-hmm.

Which I like. So I want like more of that. Like, that's very attractive to me because then I don't feel— I feel more safe, like, financially. For women, I think that's important. And then I like when we have quality time. I don't necessarily— I feel like we're at a good balance with that. So I don't feel like we're doing, like, date nights and good conversations. So that's important for me is just quality time.

Got it. Got it. Okay. 3 good ones.

We're supposed to do more than 3?

No, it's fantastic. We're supposed to do 1. What do I want? Sexual exchange that is fluid and natural with no scoreboard attached. Like, to the point, like, I don't think about the last time we had sex, or it's in it with a level of passion without the pressure. Overcoming the scars of the past. So I feel like we've done a fantastic job in that and getting to where we are now. But I feel like there's still these pieces from the past that are still kind of There. Fucking it up a bit for both of us. So, like, being able to get to a place of, like, it's fluid. Like, it just— literally neither one of us were thinking, man, when was the last time we had sex? It was like, oh, this is just a part of the natural game that's opening up. And I feel like, again, we've come a long way in the last 10 years, and we've come exceptionally far in the last 24 months. So those are mine.

That's only one thing.

Yeah, I said one thing.

You just got bonus points because you did 3.

That's fantastic. Okay, cool. So here's the deal. We're gonna go into share with your spouse mode. And again, if you are not here with your partner, um, wouldn't I suggest just firing this off to them? So just sit with it as a thought here for a few minutes as we get to share it. So you're gonna turn to your spouse and you're gonna share, here is something that I am wanting. Okay? Again, as you're listening to your partner, we're not gonna go into deeper detail. We're not asking for clarification. We're not asking for understanding. There's no defense. There's nothing. It's just, hey, here's where I'm at. Here's something that I see that I would like to Okay, if you're clear about what we're doing here in the next 2 and a half minutes for this share, give me a thumbs up. Okay, here we go. We're talking it up. We're going in 3, we're going in 2, we're going in 1. Off we go. Okay, so we are going to go to a group share, which means we're going to go into some breakouts. So we're going to take and we're going to put— we're going to have Raphael, Bill, and Cesar. You guys are going to be in a unit, and then We're gonna take the couples, so we're gonna— Dr. Malkai, we're gonna put you guys together and share. I want you to share from your perspective with each other, uh, just like what do you want? What's something that you want out of the relationship? Again, what we just shared. And then couples, we're gonna come together and we're gonna talk about it too in a breakout. So we're gonna divide into 2 groups. We're gonna have the, the husbands talk to each other. We'll have the couples talk for here for a second, and then we're gonna come back together. Okay? So if we're clear about what we're gonna do in our breakout, again, we're just gonna share same thing. We're just gonna do it kind of as a group. Okay, if you're clear, give me a thumbs up. All right, let's talk about it as a couple and see where we're at. Just like what— the same exercise that we just went into and sharing with your spouse, now we're just gonna do as a group and talk about it with a bunch of other couples. Okay? All right, here we go. We're going to couple breakout and all of my men in one group together too with Ronnie and the rest of them. So here we're going in 3, we're going in 2, we're going in 1, off we go.

Okay.

Here we go. Couple time. All right. Couple time. Lori, let's start with you. Let's go with the ladies first. Lori, what's something that you're wanting? Something more different, new?

I am wanting more out-of-town time alone or vacation experiences with Steven because we have never had the opportunity to have that because of Kids, family, animals, time, money, like all of that. And I, I'm gonna get that because he's already planning everything and he does such a fabulous job. So I'm just excited to do that. And, and he's already taking action.

Beautiful.

Yes.

Danielle, what's yours?

What do I want more of?

Yeah, just the same question we've been on, babe.

Um, well, I think my, my biggest thing is like, well, I told you, like, just financial security. Like, I feel like we've had a— we've had a lot, we've had nothing, but it's, it's always just felt like kind of like unstable and unknown, even when we've had a lot. Which even you can be like, we had the houses and the cars and this and that. I'm like, but it felt like it wasn't It was like moving too fast-paced and a little bit like reckless at times. And so even though we had all the things, I didn't feel safe, you know? So working on like stabilizing and making smart financial decisions, and which we're doing, but like more of that.

You even shared with me the thing you really wanted was waiting for me to what?

Like take control of that. Like, I felt like A lot of our marriage, it was delegated or abdicated. And when now that you finally have your eyes on things, I'm like, you're making moves that should have been made years ago.

Great.

You know, so it's like, even though I think you were like, you should feel grateful, we have all these things. And I was like, I am grateful, but I'm like scared too. Like, I don't want to feel ungrateful that we have all these nice things. But I also, like, am feeling unsafe. Does that make sense?

Mm-hmm. What makes you feel safer? The economic game? Because there's been situations where we've had mountains of money and we do well and we've done well for a long time. Is it the fact that my eyes are on it in a new way?

Yeah, it's just making smarter decisions because there, even though when we had a lot of money, there was decisions that were made with your company and my company where I'm like, we spent what on what? How the hell did that happen? Who's watching this shit? Who's leading the ship here? Why did we order $200,000 worth of books or something dumb? And then you're like, I don't know. And I'm like, how does that slip by you? So then I get this resentment of like, you're the provider. That shouldn't slip by you.

Hmm.

Which leaves me feeling not safe and feeling like even if you're the provider, then you should know these things.

Got it. Okay, Giselle, your turn.

Um, well, actually just very similar, like financial security, um, with funds, finances. And then also I would say one thing that I do want more of is the meaningful conversations that we've been having and just the honesty the last few months. It's been really refreshing and just Makes me feel more safe in our relationship. And so that's all.

Good. Open dialogue and the topic of money. Got it. Got it. Okay. And our finale. We come to the shoebox. The queen is upon us. Besides— besides dinner, which we were talking about from last night. What do you— what's one thing that you're wanting from Andrew or from the marriage right now that either is not happening at the level you want it to, when it's not happening at all, or it just needs to be— you want it deeper or richer?

Um, it's, it's not, not, not— it's not like— well, I put down like more meaningful, unforgettable experiences. Um, that could look like vacations that are— and then when we had our private discussion about this— that are not just off the seat of our pants, but like actually planned, and we have something to look forward to. Like next month we're doing this, or, um, and, uh, you know, those, those really— I mean, I think mine are quite similar to the rest of you guys. Like those, those conversations that are— you can just go for hours and hours and you can't wait to like you're so enmeshed in that conversation. And it's like, there's times where Andrew and I have had them and they're the most magical times of our relationship. And they can be inclusive of sex and all the fun stuff, but it's really that meeting of the minds and just talking and talking until— and sometimes I feel like you could do it easier with a best friend. And Andrew is my a best friend, but like a sort of a platonic relationship where you have that intimacy and you can just, whatever the subject is, it's like you're so enwrapped and enjoying it, all the experiences. And so I feel like we, and this is a lot on me as well, sort of just get comfortable and stay back and don't make it a point to Plan the vacation, plan the experience, plan the situation where we have several hours to ourselves where we could, you know, fuck our brains out and talk all night and, you know, and not be worried about, you know, waking up with the cock crowing.

Beautiful.

So to speak.

In clarinet, Andrew, what did you hear from her? What is she at? What is she asking for?

Well, there's, there's a lot of overlap between what we each want, so theoretically it should be easy. But there's, um, experiences that aren't just, um, going through the motions, but they're actually sharing them and expressing, you know, how we're feeling about them and how we feel about things in general, um, and just actually having a a real conversation that's not about implementation and it's not about mundane stuff, but it's stuff that is important to us and is meaningful to us and actually either touches, moves, or inspires us in some way.

Yep. Yep.

And that also sort of goes into what a couple of you guys said. you know, the financial sort of wanting more of that stability and what we need to do to have it and not feel like—

Me?

I guess the financial part. He's more of the breadwinner than me. But yeah.

Breadwinner, bread eater.

Yeah.

Only a couple of mouthfuls of bread though.

Teaspoons. Teaspoons.

But no, but yeah, like having Having more of a sense of financial security, like I have, and I should be much more involved than I am. But I honestly have no idea what our finances are like every now and then. It's like freak out time, and I'm like, okay, time to tighten the belt. But I don't have any clue of what's going on. So like Danielle, when you were talking about like two hundred thousand dollars of what for what and why, and like. Sometimes, like, I, I feel like, um, you know, like, like I don't even understand how we're surviving financially by what I'm hearing. And then, you know, we'll like buy a new car out of the blue or something like that. And it's, it's like, it's— I'm sort of like, well, are we, you know, do I need to cut the food stamps out or are we okay? Like, what is it?

Mm-hmm.

No, I need— I definitely need to be, um, more involved in just, just knowledge, and maybe just for my own mental health.

Look, I want to be aware of the clock, but can I interject with something?

Surely, go for it.

I have a framework that I try to use with us, which is we spend blank so that we can do blank, right? We have blank, we have blank so we can do blank. We— you don't interact with me on that framework. Right. And so, um, you know, everything that we spend, I think of it as an investment. We spend on a nanny so we can do X, right? And so if there is no X to fill in that blank, we don't then have the conversation of talking about getting rid of the we spend part of the sentence.

Yeah.

Right. So it's like, I think that we both want the same thing, but we have to both submit to a framework where we can actually understand what's going on and what we're getting out of what we're spending and whether we should be.

I think it's hard. I'll just say it's hard too, because part of, for me as a woman, I'm like, I want to know, but I don't want to know too much. I want to know, but I don't want to stress about it. But that in itself is stressful because then when you don't know what's going on, you're stressed. And then if you know too much, you're stressed. So there has to be kind of a happy medium, I feel like, with that. But I also too think when I'm too stepped out, then I don't feel like I have a say in financial decisions that our family makes. So I think there's like a healthy balance with it. We're still kind of working on it, to be honest with you, because even Garrett's said like, I want your opinion on things, which means if he wants my opinion on things, like I can't be in the dark on things. Like, I can't be ignorant and not know what's going on. Like, he can only value my opinion based off of, like, the knowledge that I have. So it's something that works.

And you can't even have an opinion if you don't have—

Yeah, exactly. So we've made decisions. He's made decisions where I didn't agree with, but I wasn't involved. So now I'm trying to actively be involved so that when we have to make big decisions, I have enough knowing. I don't think I need to cover know everything, but I have enough knowing where he can come to the table to me now and he can value my input because I have enough understanding of what's going on.

And that was not the case for us. So like, we sat for a long time where, like, I'll give you an example. We would do weekly budget meetings and we'd sit down and go through P&Ls and Danielle would make it 4 minutes before she'd be on her phone scrolling TikTok or Instagram. Like, she couldn't stay focused.

I don't like spreadsheets. I'm like, I do not want to sit in an hour and a half meeting looking at spreadsheets. She's like, I want to know where things are at.

Sit it down. We'd have—

And I was committed.

And she'd last about 5 minutes.

I was like, I don't know what I'm looking at. I literally— I was like, I'm— I can't— my brain is not computing this many numbers on a spreadsheet. I'm like, when I said I wanted to be involved, it's like, give me the bullet points so I have an understanding. Don't bring me in the whole P&L conversation.

We actually bringing her in now into a personal— but we've never had really a personal budget. She never had a personal— what? A personal budget. Like, we've never had like a personal family life budget. Like, that's not really existed. It's been like, I make more money. That's kind of been the plan for like 20 years, just make more money. And she magically— her card gets paid off every month, and then she doesn't know how it happened really. She knows, but she doesn't know. So like, we've been sitting in this place now where she's being pulled in and I'm being pulled into— we're being forced to see it in Monarch with the team that's putting together our personal finances. And like, we're seeing things. Like, for example, I came to her today. These were conversations we never had before, which I said, hey, listen, Uber Eats hit $6,000. Times in the last 48 hours. I was like, I don't care that Uber Eats got hit 6 times in the last 48 hours. I'm just asking you, did you use order Uber Eats 6 times in the last 48 hours? Yeah, we asked her. She's like, no, no, only 2. And I'm like, okay, well, I got $250 in transaction on Uber Eats on this card. I don't order from Uber Eats. If you didn't order from them, then who did? We found tens of thousands of dollars being raped off our credit cards every month. We found this at the beginning of the year.

From what?

Just past— we had a tanning salon, people using our cards from past employees. Like, there was stuff happening that we were not aware of. So we've kind of come together and it's been a tough— it's been tough. Like, I'll tell you, and all of you are signed up with entrepreneurs, which is like insanity.

Yeah.

So like, I feel for you. You're signed up with Andrew. It's like huge win, huge loss, huge win. And we are constantly gambling on the future while trying to provide stability. So it's tough at times for me with Danielle because I'll try to bring her in and like, we'll sit and then her, Questions are just so deeply— they're good questions, but like, they're offensive questions. But like, they're questioning my vision and questioning my capacity. And I'm like, well, then I'm like, I don't want to involve you in this conversation.

Last month you said I could buy as many baskets as I want. Now I can't buy that many baskets. What's going on? What the fuck? I want baskets.

Lori's cut off. No more baskets in September for Lori. She's done. I hear you guys both on this side. Like, this topic, Is, uh, it's a hard one. Kevin, what are you hearing from what Giselle shared?

Um, so I'm, I'm hearing that she, those conversations are super important to her. When we were dating, we would sometimes just go sit, look, looking over Salt Lake City and just talk. And she'd listen to my dreams and my things like that. And I'd listen to what she wants. But I think with kids and the stress of business wins and failures, Big ones at times, uh, you kind of just survive and it's like, what do I need to do to get through the day? And so I'm hearing that those are important to her. And also those dates, um, date nights and not just date night, like, hey, we're gonna go get, grab dinner and then stop at Costco cuz we need stuff. Actually investing time and energy doesn't even have to be money into really good date nights. And that's something that I started doing over the past couple months and been very, very beneficial, but that she wants to keep that. And then the money conversation. One of the things I'm hearing not only from her but also from what everyone else is saying is there have been times that we have lots of money and it's flowing, and when we have the conversation, it feels like it's never enough. And there's some sort of balance in, in Being able to give her eyes on those things and give her security. Um, I think it's kind of similar to like what Danielle was saying. Like, I don't think she wants to see every single penny, but she wants to know that she's okay and she's safe.

Mm-hmm.

And I, that probably goes back to medieval time. Like, who knows how far back? Mm-hmm. But I think women always want to feel safe outside of having someone who's strong. But also having someone who's going to provide and show how she's being provided for. So that's kind of what I'm hearing.

Yep.

Yeah. And, you know, to, to that point and also Danielle's point, it's like I'll see Andrew, like, we'll be just about to go out and do something fun and he'll have his phone or whatever and be checking the stock market. And I'm like— and he'll be, do you think Apple is blowing? Gold is blowing? You know, and I'm like, Why would you? You can't change whatever the answer is right now. Like, why? Because, because if it's even remotely down, that's going to ruin our experience that we can't change right now. So it's like he's constantly got his eye on the ball, and I'm like, can you just, just ignore the ball for right now and like worry about it tomorrow or later on? Um, but so yeah, like Danielle, like the same thing. Like, you know, like I don't— I like— I don't want to watch the ball do this because it's It's crazy, and sometimes you do need it, but at the same time, you can't just put your head in the sand.

It's a difficult challenge. The only way years ago I could unplug from the ball was drink. Yeah, like, it's the only way I could unplug from the ball. Like, I would know that desire that you're expressing, Danielle would express. And so, like, I mean, I, I first was like, put the phone down, and then It was still in my head, and it wasn't healthy. Like, it wasn't healthy. Like, I'm not saying alcohol was the answer. I'm saying that was the answer that I could find.

So that was a solution. It was just a temporary and unhealthy solution.

And the problem is it needed more and more, and it kept asking for more, and it kept asking for more for me to shut the ball off. And then the weekends started becoming collapse because I was trying to unplug from the ball. And then I just became like this. Piece of furniture. So it's a challenge across the board when you're married to entrepreneurs like this is a perpetual challenge for the guys and a perpetual challenge for the women too. Stephen, what are you what are you hearing from what Lori shared?

Danielle.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't get to tell me what to say. It's my turn. We had a breakthrough because of what Danielle said.

So, so.

The dog. The damn dog. She'd been with the dog longer than she'd been with me. I love the dog because I love her, but I didn't love the fact that the dog was so needy we couldn't go anywhere. That's not a lame excuse, that's just a fact. This is the neediest animal on planet Earth, possibly only more needy than me. And sadly, the dog is no longer with us, which has opened up the opportunity of, oh shit, now we can go places, don't have to worry about being only me and gone for 15 minutes because we got to come back and check on the dog. So it's, you know, I've always wanted part of my impossible game this year. Sadly, the only way I could pull it off was if we didn't have the dog. This was not premeditated. I didn't injure the dog, I promise you. But all these, you know, quarterly trips and dates and more extended things, we were tethered to that house because of that, the dog. So that's tough because she's gone through hell. I mean, she's been a good dog forever. And that's tough. But, but the amount of healing that I saw her go through just sitting on a beach in a thunderstorm without having to worry about having to go home— it was just the beach to me. But that day I saw, you could just see and feel healing occur because she had nowhere to be. And we just haven't been able to create that space. Just something as simple as sitting on the umbrella during a thunderstorm, uh, on a beach.

Hmm.

I— it didn't heal me that much, but I didn't need that much healing. And so she'll get more healing from doing stuff. And when we drove to Marco Island and seeing a dead alligator and panther crossing signs— I'm from Virginia where it's mostly white-tailed deer on the side of the road— it was, yeah, just, just new experiences as opposed to the same freaking routine every day, all day. So I know what she wants. It was just hard to deliver it, and now it's on me to deliver that. And, and she's very easy to make happy, right? It's like the tiniest little effort, and, and the return on investment is infinite because she gets so much gratitude and joy out of a little bit of effort. It's, it's fascinating to me because I'm not that easily pleased, so I'm just thankful for that.

Beautiful. Part of the exercise I'm practicing with you guys is the ability to have your partner share Listen, and then repeat back what you're hearing them say. Like we absolutely were horrific at this. Danielle and I have been in more fights, thousands of fights in 25 years. Some of these are vicious battles, and they all came down to the same thing, which was neither one of us were hearing the other person share, and a constant sense of me trying to fix anything she was saying, or she was trying to fix. something I was saying or tell me the truth from what I wasn't seeing. And then I never felt heard. She never felt heard. It never solved any problems. It just led to war. It led to a stiletto in my forehead and blood running down my face. It led to her— me picking her up and moving her across the room. Like, some of the times and seasons we went through as a couple were so fierce in a sense of inability to connect from 2 realities that were Both true. My reality, her reality. And neither one of us able to see across the line to the other person. And every time we would attempt to come into that place, it was like this reactor would connect us and pull us back. And so we learned to perform for each other. There were certain topics neither one of us would approach. We would address it, we would pretend it wasn't there at a certain level, even though we both knew it was there, because Every time we would try for years to come and address topics of sex or money or the kids on certain areas and angles of it was so intense and visceral for both of us, it just led to either shutdown or explosion. So the last like few years has been very different for us in just hearing, like me feeling heard by her, her feeling heard by me, vice versa. So this is like one of the biggest skills that I've seen open up for us. I've seen it open up for couples all around us, and I've seen it open up for our guys here. Warrior is The ability to sit and listen. So beautiful job, great shares. We're gonna head back to the main group and go see where all our, our single guys are. They're not single, but they're here by themselves. Let's go check on them. We left them over there for like 20 minutes. They probably don't even know what to talk about right now.

They're talking about sports.

Exactly.

Okay, so to kind of wrap us up for today, here is Here's one thing that I've come to find true, which is this: your marriage is one pivot away from experiencing something radically different, new, and beautiful. It's not years away. It's not decades away. It's a pivot. And a pivot for me has been described over the years— we described it as a binary decision, which is there's the path that we're on, and there's a decision to pivot. I can default to the way things have been going. I can default to the way we've engaged. I can default to the way that we've operated. And in many ways, it might work really well. And there's a lot of things with Danielle and I that work really well. If we default and keep doing it the same way, it works incredibly well. After 25 years of being together, we've figured out how to dance the game of life together. And so there's some beautiful things with that. There's also things that we are in perpetual improvement with. Which I was sharing in our breakout, which is being able to feel heard. It was the number one conflict in therapy for us. 2 hours every single week for a year and a half, almost 2 years straight. And our therapist kept getting to the same place with us, which is you are both saying the same thing, but neither of you can hear what the other one's saying. So this pivot decision is a pivot here, and it's a pivot here. It's a decision in the heart and a decision in the mind. It's a change of And the shifting of an intention on the inside. For much of our relationship, I was committed to being right more than I was committed to being connected. Not proud of it. It led to a lot of chaos, and it led to a woman who shut down for 15 years. Just couldn't tell me the truth, couldn't speak her truth, couldn't share with me. So she put on the face. And I assumed everything was fine. And in that mode of not being able to receive or hear truth, she became a version of herself and I became a version of myself. But I had truly run things as a tyrant. Like, it was scary to be around me. And what I got trophies for in the marketplace for how I operated with men was creating carnage in my house that I was unaware of. Like, I just was oblivious to it, unconscious to it. So this decision to pivot is a decision to not only shift the story, but also shift what you feel inside. Stacking has been one of the most effective tools that we found for pulling this off. It's like therapy in your pocket. And for most of us, this is not something that occurs. We, we're not naturally trained to shift stories and to reframe reality because oftentimes the situation is a reframe. Danielle and I have been involved in 3, 4 lawsuits. 2 of them are like, eh, 2 of them are heavy. They're heavy on Danielle. They're heavy on me, past employees. Just a horrible situation to be in. Lies and complete made-up fabricated situations. And we're now close to $1 million defending ourselves in these lawsuits. And I'm sitting and watching what this has done to my wife. And in the beginning stage of this story for me was that we were being persecuted and we were being punished, that this game was not to be. But what it ultimately created was a reframe for me to look at us, not at the people suing us, but at the situation we were in. What was this creating for us? The pressure, what was it creating? And that forced me into other decisions a year ago. It was in June, on my birthday of last year, where I just stepped back from life for a second and said, okay, hold on, timeout. Like, what do I actually want to experience truly with this woman? Was it penis and vagina? Yes, at a physical level, this was it. But there was something more that I was searching for. Like, what did I really want to experience with my children? I was Disneyland dad, spending time with the kids, doing things. But there was something more that I was wanting to experience. And we had proven that money couldn't solve it. Trips couldn't solve it. Vacations couldn't solve it. There was not another 5-star hotel we could stay in, not another jet we could take. There was not another car we could buy. There was nothing in the physical world that we could create that was going to solve this. Because even when Danielle talks about the financial feeling, it wasn't about the money so much. It was she was seeing me abdicate and delegate things to people who just weren't qualified to do it. So there was a piece of me that had to shift. So I'm going to end with a question for you, and I'll have you sit with it for a second. If there was a singular pivot in the way you think about your marriage, like a pivot in the way you think There's the way you're currently seeing your your partner, and part of how you see your partner is true. You have evidence to support it, lots of evidence, and part of that evidence is not true. And that's the hardest part: the identity shift because we begin to build identities and what that narrative is. Danielle could not escape my story, so no matter how she showed up or how she shifted. She could not escape the narrative I had created about who she was. So I was never engaging with her fully. I was engaging with my story about who she was. So it was always searching for evidence to support what the narrative was. So no different when it comes to business and money and employees and team members and clients. And I'd made those pivots inside of business, but I was struggling to make 'em inside of relationship. And so there was a decision I had to make, and I had to make it with my kids And the big shift that occurred for me was a story of control. Like, I felt at some level I could control life, I could control the situations we were in. So through effort and force and at times compulsion, I would compel the world around me to bend to my will. This worked for a while. Until it didn't. And last year in June, around the time of my birthday, like, I broke. I don't know if it was almost turning 50, if it was just the amount of time, the decades of pushing this way, but something broke inside of me that said this is unworkable going forward. And I sat for months, and Danielle sat even in those moments with me going, I'm not sure how to even engage with this version of you. I don't know if this version of you is going to stay stick around. I remember sitting on a Sunday in our kitchen at our old— our house we were at here in Golden Beach, and she looked at me, she's like, I, I don't know how to even talk to this version of you. Because the first time in my life I had become more calm than I was reactive. And all this shit that in me was here, and it was a shift that I, I can't control almost anything. I can control me. I can't determine what my wife chooses. I can't, I can't determine if she stays, if she goes. I can't determine— well, I can't control what my kids do. My teenagers are going to do what they're going to do. And there was a pivot, and that pivot was painful in the beginning. It was a very painful transition. It felt like death because I'd operated a certain way for so long, but it was a pivot that had to occur. So I'm gonna ask you a question, and I want you to sit with it for a few minutes. And we're gonna sit with this question for the week, but I'm gonna have you write a little bit about it today. If there was one pivot in your world— because it's one pivot away. Life is going this direction. We watch this happen in business all the time. You're thinking money is this way, and then you make— you step back from the situation, you look at the situation different, and a pivot occurs this way. And there's a shift in thinking. Which compels a shift in strategy, which compels a shift in action, which determines a different profitable result. These make sense in business, but in marriage are much tougher to bring about. So if you could create one pivot, there's the way things are going with your marriage, and there was a pivot in thinking that you took on, a shift from this is how it is to what if this is how it is? You're not going to share this part. I just want you to write about it for a second. We're going to take 3 minutes. I just want you to write, and then we're going to sit with this question for the week. And you may talk about it, you may not. But I've watched Danielle pull these pivots off on herself. I'll have her share one after we get done with this writing exercise. I've watched it happen to myself. I've watched what's happened to my children. I've watched what's happened to my wife. I've watched what's happened to our family. As I've been able to make these shifts. And the thing that showed up inside of that was a truth that was incredibly difficult for me to accept, was in the end, though I'm with this woman, she's not mine. I'm with these children. My wife created them in her body, but they're not mine.

They're gods.

And yet, for most of my life, I lived under a container that I felt ownership of my wife, of my children. And with that ownership came a desire to save, which perpetually put me into a place of constantly feeling like I had to problem solve, carry the world, and deadlift my wife and my family even when they didn't need it. And even when they didn't want it. And so then I felt perpetually unwanted, unappreciated for an effort that was never asked for. So I want you to sit with this for a couple of minutes as we wrap up today. I just want you to write, if you were to make a pivot in thinking about your marriage, maybe around sex, maybe around money, around communication, parenting, What is a potential shift that could occur for you? If you're clear about the question that we're gonna sit with for a few minutes, and we're gonna wrap up for today, give me a thumbs up at the camera. Sit with it. Okay, we're going in 3, we're going in 2, we're going in 1. Off we go. Okay, to, to wrap up on this, we're gonna give it an example. I'm gonna have Danielle share. From her side. Again, a lot of our conversations over the years were me doing a lot of talking and Danielle sitting. Um, and that's not because she didn't want to talk. It's just I, I didn't create a container for her to feel safe to talk.

Well, I think what I was saying when we were on our little breakout is I think human— humans in general, they get to a place where they're like, toleration. They're like, I don't tolerate or accept this in my life anymore. And the reason that we get to that place of not tolerating something is because the pain is so dark or so painful that it's actually easier to do the work to get out of that painful place. But, if you're not at that tipping point, you don't want to do the work if that makes sense. You'll stay in this painful place because you're like, oh, this is more comfortable and easier than to do the work to get out of there. But then, you hit this literally, I think of it as a pendulum or tipping point. You're like, This hell I'm living in is harder. So for me, an example would be like, I don't want to start an argument. I don't— so I wouldn't communicate my needs. And or maybe my needs came across like he— I didn't appreciate him or respect him, or they came out word vomit or whatever it is. So I just kind of was like, it's cool, I'll do my wifey duties and like, I'll just keep all my feelings that I'm having. And what that does is it just puts you in your own personal hell to the point where you're like, well, maybe I should get divorced. Or is that going to be the easier answer? No. The easier answer would be to let go of your ego and learn how— for me specifically, learning how to communicate and being open to maybe it will start a fight or maybe it won't, but I need to get this out. So for me, I was ready to— there's been several times in our marriage where I'm like, screw it, we're not supposed to be together. And I'm like, but is that true? And it's because I get in this place where the pain is like a living hell.

Yeah.

And I could call it quits, or I could do the work required to really assess why I'm bottling this up, why I'm not communicating. And it takes a lot of, like, self-reflection to get to that place. And I think a lot of people unfortunately will call it quits and before, like, actually turning the corner.

So you, you wrote the book God Is My Ghostwriter, which I recommend if you want to understand the backstory to Wake Up Warrior. It's from her mouth, not mine. Like how we got to— how it even became born. There was stuff that I read in the book that she wrote that I had no clue about, no concept. Like literally almost 15 years of our relationship of 25 years that I was clueless to until reading the book. That was how intense things had become for us. And again, I was clueless. I thought things were moving. I was not aware. So writing the book was a good piece to get out of you. What have you found available for you now in the last 2 years where being able to express it with me, even if I don't like what I'm hearing?

Yeah, but I think it also too, you, you have worked on your reactivity. And so then I've been able to share, but I had to communicate that too. I'm like, the reason I don't share is because you're going to reframe it, manipulate me, and then I just build up resentment. I'm like, and then you wonder why I'm irritated or I'm not attracted to you. And I'm like, because Even if things look picture perfect, I can't share. Therefore, I feel resentment. Even if you're a good-looking man that's providing, it's not that I don't want you. It's because and so I had to kind of look in to say, "Well, if I can communicate, then I can in turn get what I want." Part of me communicating was like, "I can't have you be a reactive asshole anymore." Like I can't. I can't feel safe to share, and that was hard for me to even communicate. And when I first started trying to communicate, it came out like you're. It was a mess. It was like, you're an asshole. And I was just finally feeling free. It was like I was like an explosion. I was bottled up for so long that I was just like, my delivery was horrible. And I just got to this place where I'm like, I need you to just hold space for me. Like, this is new for me even communicating it. Like, I'm trying not to word vomit on you, but this is also new to me because I felt like I couldn't express what was bugging me or what I was dealing with or like any of that. I couldn't burden you with my feelings because You're the provider, you're the hunter, so how dare I complain about this beautiful life you've built? But it just harbored a lot of resentment and, and not healthy for either of us.

Last, last spring was like the tipping point for us. And again, we're sharing this with you because these are— to get to a place— I've watched this with myself, I've watched this with hundreds and hundreds of men as they have struggled with this exchange, which being able to sit I've watched Steven go through this transformation in the last year and a half. I've watched so many men around me, myself included. God's entered our life in the last 2 years in a really profound way that it's not just a white-knuckling experience. It's an ability to listen, which I did not have, which was wild because in business I had it every day. But we had gotten to a place where it was impossible. Last spring, after we moved here to Miami, Danielle hit a place like— I watched it happen. Like, she collapsed. Like, I had built a prosperity prison.

Mm-hmm.

Didn't know that's what I'd done and didn't know this is what we had created. I didn't know. But I watched my wife in the spring. It was about March or February, March or April. She just— it's like the lights turned out. And we were still doing— but I was like, what is going on? Which led to me in June unplugging from what I was experiencing. And both of us unplugged, sitting outside of our lives going, okay, what? What has to shift? Without God, this was not possible, period. There's no way the transformation that's occurred in us could occur just because we worked. But part of that work was a willingness to come to God with the truth, a willingness to be humbled in a place that I had never been humbled, not from the outside. I've taken on friction and war and business and life like my whole life. That does not move me much. In many ways, it excites me. But this peace inside was a place that required silent moments, dark moments, alone with God. Moments that were terrifying. Sobbing moments by myself in the dark at 4 in the morning. Sitting in stacks and watching God dissect my narratives of who I was, who Danielle was. I'm so sorry. what our marriage was, what our life was. And I didn't have words to describe it. I just knew that things had to shift in me. And I watched God begin to shred me from the inside out and create a new container for me to see myself and to see her and to see our lives. And this is what I want. Once I taste something and I find something— it's how Warrior was born, was just me finding things. And as I found them, I found ways of packaging them that made sense to some people. So we want to create a community where we're not trying to be your gurus.

Mm-hmm.

We want to create a place where couples can be safe to learn these conversations with each other, where God can be present, and where we as a community of couples who are committed to being married in a world that is shredding marriage to the ground, in a pattern in society and social media that is becoming so quick and so easy— I was on a show podcast yesterday, big podcast, downtown Miami, I'm sitting with the host of the show, massive in the media space, huge on television for years, investigative journalist, runs a huge studio down there. And he got divorced here in the last year and a half. And for the first time in his show, he talked about it because I knew about it and I asked him about it. And that's what happens any show that I get on when I'm being interviewed. I flip it on the host and we end up having a conversation instead of an interview. And when things were done with the show, he said he was flattered with me. He's like, I never wanted I was with this woman for 26 years. It's not what I actually wanted, and I still in my heart believe that reconciliation will happen at some time in the future. And as we kept talking about it, we talked about how society has just beaten into our minds and social media that there is an easier path away from the game that we're standing in. And in some cases, that is the truth. I think that's a big part of it. Is what's required. But our hope is that we can create a place where those decisions and those thoughts, as they come up, that there's a path where you don't feel alone. Because even as a couple, we felt alone for a long time, that somehow what we were doing was off and that there was no one else who was experiencing it, no different than I had experienced it as a man. So next week, we're going to have 6 couples live here at the training facilities in Miami. And we're going to have around 75 men that are going to be here too for our event. And we're going to put on something special next Wednesday or next Thursday at 3 o'clock. I would invite you to come back with your spouse, be here with your spouse, do whatever you have to clear your schedule and be here because we're going to create what we feel is kind of the dynamic of how this community can work with everyone getting a chance to lead and everyone having a contribution. And at the same time, a place so that the women feel safe. in a place in the community with women, that men feel safe in a community with men, and that we as couples can create a place together where we can lean on God and we can lean on each other as couples so that when things get hard, when business gets hard, when life gets hard, when things get hard, that you don't sit isolated. Because isolation leads to all kinds of insanity in the mind. And just like this man I was with yesterday, he's like, I feel like If I was who I am today and I had different information, then my wife and I, where things started falling apart 4 or 5 years ago, that we would have had the tools and the community to be able to put it back together. And we want that. We want that for you, not because your marriage is on the line, but we live in a society that is constantly attempting to rip apart the sanctity and the beauty of marriage. So we invite you on the journey with us. Come back next week and also to sit with this question of the pivot. If you have access to stacking tools, fantastic. Stack on this topic this week and see where it takes you. And we'll come back next week. We're going to have a very hot conversation happening in a very dynamic way with 6 couples at the same time, all be on camera, and also a community of men here with us in Wake Up Warrior with Savage and a few of our other groups that are together. And we invite you to come and participate virtually with us. So if you're clear about what the invitation is for next week, give us a thumbs up. Beautiful. I love it. Okay, let's go ahead and wrap it up for today. Go ahead and close your eyes and take a deep breath in and release. Just sit with the topics for today. Sit inside yourself. Deep breath in and release. Father, wrap up today. The last five, six, seven weeks we've been moving down a path with something that I feel truly needs to be created. And Father, we feel the power of this coming from so many couples around us right now looking for a. Place, a safe haven, a sanctuary to meet virtually, to meet in person, and to be able to be in a game not only where you're involved, but where we have brotherhood and sisterhood, and we have friendships and couples that can support each other through what is arguably some of the most difficult times that any humans have ever walked the planet. The amount of stress that comes from finance, that comes from politics, that comes from the markets, that comes from all of the bombardment of social media and all of the messaging that's hitting our minds every single day. Father, we ask that your Spirit would be with each one of these couples this week, that each one of them could take a step a bit further into the unknown, and then in that place you would meet them just as you've met Danielle and I, and continue to guide us collectively as a group to take a step forward into this one-flesh conversation spoken of in scripture, that our souls could be edified May we be unified by each other and unified with you is our prayer as we wrap this amazing experience in preparation for next week and close this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen. And deep breath in and release. Go ahead and open your eyes. Thank you so much for being here this week. We appreciate you. We look forward to having an amazing experience with you next Thursday at 3 o'clock Eastern, live here from Miami HQ with a whole bunch of powerful couples starting down the path of what we feel the community is going to be. So Danielle, great job, great shares. Danielle's freezing.

It's cold in here.

It's 20 degrees, so it's good. And we're out of here. Have a great rest of your week. This is Garrett J. White and Danielle K. White signing off, saying love and light. Good morning, good afternoon, and good night.