Why Modern Marriages Feel So Hard | Sex, Purpose, Resentment & Attraction

This is why marriage and staying together is so hard.

The victims always band together. And if a man doesn't respect himself, a woman does not find him attractive. Okay, welcome to a brand new edition to Day You Work Podcast. We are actually here in our new location in Miami, in our new office and setting. We took a break from this podcast for about 6 months. We were moving, uh, my oldest daughter was pregnant, we had a lot of transition in life, and then I was like, we should probably give it a go again. But we've done this for like the past like 5 years. We'll like take a break and then we'll like start back up again. Why do we do that?

Because we need a break.

Because we need a break in life.

I think this piece of creating content and sharing with the world is interesting because I think part of it is sharing for yourself. It's probably the first stage. And then, which is why we started the podcast, was really just us getting a chance to talk, right, in an organized place. And then that turned into people liked it and it helps couples. And then that turned into, we should do more of it. And then it turned into, we should interview a ton of people at our house.

And that's fine.

Then it turned into, let's undo for a little bit. And then turned into, cool, let's do it again at the new office.

There we go.

And here we are. So we have had, uh, some moments, many moments. We will not discuss individuals on this, but we will discuss the principle, which is everyone is looking for purpose. Okay. And when you don't have a real purpose, your purpose becomes attacking other people's purpose. And it's interesting to watch how it happens in social media, but also how it happens in marriage.

Hmm.

First, in social media though, human beings are naturally attracted to— if you're a victim, you're attracted to other victims.

Yeah, the victims always band together.

And what is fun to watch, you see this happen in the church world. A pastor will build a church, he'll plant a church, he'll raise up some pastors, and then the pastors that he raises up with him disagree with him and say that he's a charlatan, he's horrible, and he's the Antichrist. And then they go launch their own church, right, only to experience the same thing at their church that they now grow that they were acting like at the first church, right? So they made the original pastor the bad guy, only to launch your own church and have like another pastor come up underneath them and then tell them they're the bad guy, and then off they go. This is the spreading of the church world. Same thing happens across the board everywhere. Fitness, it happens in hair, it happens in coaching, it happens everywhere, right?

So I think it's just like the cycle of like people don't know, so you get to this place where you're like, you think you're better than your mentor. And so if you don't have a lot of mentors in the beginning, like your first or second mentor, you're like, I'm better than them. After you've had a few mentors, you're like, hey, I can give you respect. I'm different, maybe not better, but I'm different. But don't you think it's like those, those young kind of like look at me type of people that like, they're the ones that are like, they build up a lot of momentum and then they're like, shit, and they kind crash and realize it's like out of lack of experience, and then you almost have respect for your elders or your mentors.

I think there's a fundamental problem that happens called teenage factor.

Hmm.

So your teenagers get to a place at 13, 14, 15, they have to break away from the identity of being the child. So they're trying to find their path into being an adult. I am an individual outside of my parents, right? Well, mentorship and coaching is and leading people operates in a very similar way. But there's a choice that you have in all of this. I've had well over 75 different coaches and mentors in my life. Grant Cardone, Elena Cardone are mentors. Brandon Dawson, Natalie Dawson mentors. Tai Lopez, Brandon Burchard, Tim Story, Ben, Ben Newman, Tim Story. Like, we've had a whole lineup of amazing humans. I do not fundamentally agree with everything any of them say, right? But there is a piece in each of them where I've been grateful. Tai Lopez, I had one, two coaching calls with him for $100,000. I was supposed to catch him for a year, but I got exactly what I needed and I was done. And people like, I, I, when Tai was going through shit and supposedly online and there was some Ponzi scheme and he was being investigated, people would come to me like, what do you think about Tai? I was like, I think nothing about Tai outside of I had a great experience with him and I learned some things from him and I was grateful for for him at the time that I had him.

Yeah, why can't people just like accept that? Like, it'd be like, you know, I like— just weird.

Well, it's a number of hairstylists that talk shit about us.

I know, and I'm like, dude, I put you on the fucking map. You found these women in the middle of nowhere, nothing. I'm like, I put you on my stage. You like— and that was when my brand was in the peak. I'm like, you are still trying to ride out the momentum of my brand and you haven't really built any shit. You're still coaching my old students. Like, that's where I have to just be like, okay, I'm gonna breathe, I'm gonna breathe, I'm gonna breathe for a minute. Because I'm like, I gotta— I'm looking into like expanding, growing, learning. I'm not looking into drama.

Well, the problem is, it's all karma. So we had, we had one hairstylist work— was, uh, was with us. She was close to us for a while. And we had some stuff go down a number of years ago. Her top people started running their mouths about us. And I went to her and I said, listen, because I'd worked with her closely for a while, and I said, here's the deal. I don't care what you do, but I need you to understand that when people act like this, it's only a matter of time before they turn the gun on you. If they're willing to do it to me and to Danielle, they're going to do it to you. And she was convinced this was not going to happen. That we moved to Miami 6 months later, the same people on her team who were running the mouths about us and MBR and the tribe turned on her and took half her salon, right? And I was like, I told you it's gonna happen. I'm not trying to be right. It's just when you get to a certain level, you start to recognize. That's why Grant and Elena are so quick to delete people from their world. If you show any signs—

yeah, you're not part of the vision, bye and gone.

Goodbye, you're out, right? Okay, so here comes the transition. You ready for the transition? The same thing happens in marriage. Hmm, think about it. You get two people come together. You're 18, I'm 25. What do you know about being married to a 25-year-old?

I don't know anything about being married at all.

Oh, at 18 you weren't married. You didn't know anything about marriage at all.

Yeah.

We get married, you're 20. I'm now 27. I've been married once before. You are a fundamentally different human being now than you were at 20, for sure.

I hope so.

You're a different human being than you were at 25, than you were at 30, than you were at 35, than you were at 40, and now you're 43.

Right.

And you're a grandma.

I'm a grandma, officially yesterday.

Ooh, we'll talk about the grandma thing here in a minute. But if you look at this, if you look at this, I am not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm not the same person. We're not the same people we were a year ago. I'm not the same person I was 2 years ago. I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago. And so you have 2 people coming together in relationship that are trying to commit to a marriage of being together, but they're never the same people, right?

So, well, if you're— sometimes you are like it, but if you're growing and expanding, but then that's why people get in a situation in their marriage when they're like, I can't connect with my husband or wife anymore. And it's because like one's hell-bent on staying where they're at because it's comfortable. And the other one's like, I don't want to do this.

Then what happens? They attack the other one, right?

One attacks the other one for not growing, and the other one attacks the other one for like, like not wanting to stay there. They're like, how dare you judge me for not wanting to stay in my box?

Or you get two people who are growing who just grow in different places. So I think it's what happens is you have it in the mentorship role. When you're mentoring people, they get to a place where they've learned everything they can learn from you, right? And they may choose a different path, and you're like Cool. Be grateful.

Unless they're fucking fired and then they're bitter.

Of course, people get fired, always get bitter. This is how we got sued by people who we fired, which is craziness. And that's all going to come out and the truth is going to be seen for what it is. And it's going to be fun because it's real easy to dish fire, but what's hard is when the fire comes back on your face and you haven't had to face anything and you haven't had to pay shit. You haven't had to pay any money, haven't had to hire any attorneys, haven't had to do anything, and you haven't been economically impacted.

You're like, cool, this will be fun, a quick quack.

Welcome to the Counterpunch. Yeah, get ready, bitches. That was my ego talking.

Okay, it's okay.

So this game itself that we're playing in marriage though is the same way, because you're going to have the same attitude in marriage every single day, which is you and I have to try to stay on the same page. This is much harder than it seems in marriage.

Mhm.

It's hard. Why is it hard?

Um, you lose polarity, you lose attraction, like It's hard too because it's like, I think to be in that dating phase is like, it's, it's not impossible cuz there's been times like in our marriage where I'm like, ooh, it's like the fun dating phase again and we're both like into each other and noticing each other and then it like kind of fades and then we're kind of roommates and it's just like there's like ebbs and flows. And I think where I've gotten like recently is I'm like, there's ebbs and flows to marriage. I'm like, but like we've gone through so much. I'm like, you're my person. So if shit's going sideways, I'm like, okay, well, how do we get back on track? Or if things are great, it's like, okay, let's like keep this momentum going. So I don't expect to always be on the same wavelength with you at all time. I think you have to get to this place of like respect with your person, as long as they're kind of like learning and growing too, and they're not like a total piece of shit that's falling off who's just like— like, you, you made an interesting comment to me the other day. You're like, if I lost everything, would you leave me? And I was like, I have to answer that very honestly. If you lost everything, you lost yourself. You lost respect for yourself. If you can't like pay the bills or make some money, like, you've lost yourself. If you're literally like in a trailer down the road, like, I, I would leave you. I would have— you had lost respect for yourself. And if I'm still looking to learn and grow, like, it's— I like— we wouldn't be compatible anymore. And so I think that guys have this fear of like, oh, my wife only likes me because I have money or I'm taking care of you. And it's like at some level there's truth in that, but it's like, we've had ebbs and flows in our financial situation. I'm still here, babe. I mean, we lost everything how many years ago? 15 years ago? And I was like, it was really scary and it shook our foundation. And I was like, okay, well, let's, let's try, let's work on our marriage. And so at this point, I'm like, 25 years in, for you to ask me that question, I'm like, it's kind of silly. But also I had to answer it like very honest. I'm like, yeah, if you went back to Malibu barefoot, like walking in the sand and meditating, making no money, I'd be like, it's been fun.

How long could you endure the Maldives again?

I wouldn't.

Even a week?

No, no, I don't want that. Well, that not only is like the money unattractive when for women, like if you're, you're in a different state, it's almost like, like I said, like you don't respect yourself. And if a man doesn't respect himself, a woman does not find him attractive. Like it's like a man that's like super overweight, like I'm not gonna say names, but that one guy that came to your event, he wouldn't hardly talk, he wouldn't hardly look up, and like he was heavy, and we saw pictures of him like 4 years prior, and I was like, he's a fit dude. I'm like, his energy is what is making him unattractive. I'm like, because there's been some heavy guys that carry themselves great, and you're like, hey, you're kind of heavy, but like you're very attractive in your aura or your energy because you still like yourself. So I think that's like a— and for men, I think that they, they don't just produce for their men, for themselves, or for their wives. They produce for themselves. A producing man is always more confident The end. I've never seen a super poor— unless he's like a surfer and doesn't care, he just loves living in his van, like whatever. But most men carry themselves more confident if they have some level of success, for sure.

So do you think that that same thing passes? So like, if we looked at production, like if a guy is that way and he's producing and he's in marriage and his wife is withholding sex, she controls the card, she's not putting out—

how long is she withholding for?

Weeks at a time.

Weeks at a time?

Yeah.

Because you've told me some of your guys don't have sex for like months.

Yeah, that happens too. And there's like situation where— or is like conversation, two of the conversation I had today— there's like the checklist once a week. Here you go, scheduled. Here you go, I did my duty. And these guys, these guys are powerful dudes. They're good-looking guys. They build. The challenge for a lot of the— a lot of married guys right now is because of the trend that's rising, that's become very popular in the last 5 to 6 years, which is now bombarded all over social media, which is 29-year-olds.

29-year-olds for who?

Just guys are like, dude, why would I tolerate my wife going through perimenopause and menopause when I could go be with a 30-year-old?

That's so crazy because it's like women— and this is probably a fear for women too— is they're like, dude, I raised your children. Like, you were a fucking crazy hormonal asshole for— reactive asshole for 15 years, and now like I'm having my 2-year span of being a total crazy bitch and you're like, I'm out, I get a 29-year-old. I'm like, that is fucked up.

It's happening all over the place. I just saw age gap couple 60 and 29.

28.

That's like a 31-year age gap. Like, we were the original age gappers, but 7 years.

But like, are you like— is the guy— he probably is satisfied. He's like, I got a cute girl, I can just, you know, she— maybe she has sex, maybe she doesn't. She doesn't whine or bitch. She's not crazy. She doesn't have the history. She's happy to be taken care of.

Well, I just—

here's the thing though, but that's like such a fucking double standard that men are just like— I don't believe that all men want that, but I do believe that there are the occasional men that are like It's different if you've like been with somebody younger and there's an age gap and now you've been married for like 10, 15 years, whatever. But if you're that guy that's perpetually after a 29-year-old, you got a problem.

I got it. But do you know what it symbolizes? That there's a reason why it's a draw and the reason why it's becoming more popular.

I mean, it's more accepted. It's more socially accepted. But before it was like you were the Playboy dude and you're like, that's disgusting.

Let's look at the principle behind it though. What you have is this rising energy in women, which is different in marriage today than it ever was 25 years ago. It wasn't like this. Women, the number of producing women, the number of I can do it, I don't need a man, etc. This affects married women too, because all day long on social media you're being bombarded with these women who are boss babes and doing their thing and getting to choose their life. Then you've heard about the new 40-ho phase.

That's for men and women.

I understand that. The new 40-ho phase, so it's all these young women that got married at 18, 19, 20, get divorced after 20-some years, and then they go on vendor and sleep with like 30 guys.

You guys do that too.

I understand that, but here's the thing that's crazy: that same woman in many cases had withdrawn sexuality from that marriage for years. The same woman who went on the hoe phase.

Well, yeah, it's, it's probably easier to be a hoe than, than be like a hoe in marriage. There's no baggage to, to being a hoe, and they get— it's like, it's almost like for women it's like freedom. There's no expectations, there's no awkwardness. You're just like, woo, I'm gonna go do my hoe phase.

That's why 50-year-old dudes will be with 30-year-old women.

Yeah, it's a hoe phase.

Everyone's got a hoe phase. It's not even a hoe phase. They actually— most guys would like go on this, but I have so many different guys who got divorced. What's that though? Is that— here's the thing you get though. You get youth, fun, and you get to mentor and they listen.

And they don't— here, it's kind of a flip for girls though, because if like I'm in my 40s and I want to go on my hoe phase with a 29-year-old, not that I do, I'm like, there's very— there's fewer 29-year-olds that are established. And so at some point, women crave safety and security and like a guy that can pay— not just pay the bills. So they go on the hoe phase and then they almost feel like they're— you're their mom. Like, I'm like, ah, this has got weird. Like, I feel like I'm kind of your mom and I'm paying the bills. And like, now— and then it becomes fun to like— kind of unattractive. Yeah, but guys don't have— guys have the flipped narrative. That's why they're typically remarrying these 29-year-olds all the time, because they're just like I don't expect you to provide. So there's never that, like, like they're not ever turned off. They're like, um, hot ass, great tits, perfect. But that's like a—

it's like a double standard because like, of course it's double standard where you're mad, I'm a man, you're a woman, like, right? It's totally different.

But I'm telling you, I understand why the dynamic cycle doesn't work.

Like, at 60, the 6-year-olds can still be a 35-year-old. A 6-year-old woman is not going to be a 35-year-old guy.

Maybe she make money.

Yeah, occasionally. Yeah, randomly.

Yeah, we know.

I know a few, and we met a couple like that, and all they want me to do is coach their guys.

Yeah, that's true.

And I'm like, I'm not coaching a guy, he's helpless. Like, I can't help this guy.

No, I mean like the younger ones that have money are different, but then, you know, younger ones that don't have money, they want them to like man up, and you're like, you, you got yourself a nice piece of ass, don't expect him to pay the bills.

Not one of these older women is with the dude who makes money. Well, I know, like, a dude who's 20— there's one couple we know.

Yeah.

The rest, yeah, you have dudes who are non-producing with producing women who are like 55, right? And that makes sense because they don't have to pay anything, so they get to be arm candy, sugar boys. But it doesn't work. It doesn't work the other way because the guys don't— the guy doesn't give a shit about a producing woman.

Yes, I agree.

I love you and your purpose, and I don't give a shit about your production. I care about you, but you do—

You know, you care about my production because you know if I'm not somewhat productive, I get a little crazy.

Oh, no, I care about you living purpose. I don't care about your production. Meaning the same way you look to me to produce, I do not look to you to produce.

But I can.

I'm not saying you can't. I'm saying in my code, I don't look at you and say—

You don't expect me— God, she's more attractive.

Yeah.

And you don't expect me to produce. Like, you're—

Yeah. Because like when it comes to my birthday, which is in like 2 weeks and I'll be 50, and he— and I— and you asked me, what do you want for your birthday?

I was like, that doesn't involve my body.

And I said, there's nothing else I want. You're like, let me buy you something. I don't need you to buy something. If I want to buy something for myself, I'll buy it myself.

Well, that's how I feel.

Exactly. But you still ask for it. You still want things.

Yeah, I like— I'm— well, I'm like— I'm gifts. I like— that's like my love language.

Here's the point I give you with all this, though. The dynamic— this is why marriage and staying together is so hard. And being happy and connected is so hard. The thing is so crazy to me, even with you and I, like, guys can slide the easy code straight over, say, here's the book on dudes, it's one page, open it up, here's one page, there's only three things we need on that.

So bullshit.

Three things.

That's so bullshit.

Nope, nope, three things. You can't— you don't have a penis, you don't know what it is to be a guy. I can tell you, I have a penis and I'm around a lot of penises every day because I train guys all day, and I will tell you If you— this is what— but this is why the thing is, it's why the trend is working. And it's not— if it wasn't working, it wouldn't keep going. It's not a popular— the people— older dudes being with younger girls after women divorcing their husbands. 80% of divorces filed by women right now, and it's filed by women in their 40s and 50s.

Yeah, but if you're— say, okay, so say you're older and in your 40s or 50s and you don't have any money, you're just not going to get that 29-year-old unless she lives—

still happening, it's just down.

Yeah, she's a little bit toothless and homeless, but that's okay.

Down at a different level.

But no, I feel like if you're in your 40s and 50s and you have money, that's when you're snagging the hotties and that's who you're thinking about. If you don't have any money, you're like mid, it's not gonna happen. You're not getting a hot 29-year-old.

It's happening. The standards are different.

For example, you're not even getting a hot 40-year-old.

There's small cities, small towns all across the country, United States of America. The standard of living there is totally different. I have virtual assistants that work for me that make $10 an hour US and they live a middle-class lifestyle in the Philippines. Like the standard, the gameplay is the same, but the principle that they're after, which is what if we could figure out how to activate this in marriage, But women get older and get stubborn as shit.

No, we just get wiser.

I think you just become stubborn.

No.

Yes, you get wise and stubborn at the same time. No, it's a stubborn wisdom. Yeah, a wise stubbornness.

Deal with it, I guess.

I mean, I've been dealing with it.

That's how I feel, like, for so many years, like, with, like, you being a walking penis. I'm like, gosh, it's been a lot. And you're like, well, deal with it. I'm like, oh, I have, and I've had my stripper phase. I have dealt with it, but now I'm kind of at a place where I'm like, I'll strip if I want to. I'm like, I dealt with you for like a lot longer than like a 2-year period. It was more like, wow, there was a lot I went through with my husband for 15, 20 years. And now I'm like, yeah, just gonna do me, babe. And I'm gonna have hormones. I'm gonna be perimenopause, although I do not feel like I'm perimenopause. I'm like, but there's this kind of like, we've talked about it in other podcasts, this performance piece dies. And I think it dies for men too, because you're on gear right now and you're on testosterone. Prior to that, like, your energy was going down. You were less of a walking penis. And part of me was kind of sad because I was like, oh my God, I just like walked by naked and he was like, hey babe, have a great day. That's not good, you know? And so there's like, there's this balance where like women want to be like noticed and seen, but they don't want to feel like they're like a piece of meat. So there's like this, this, this kind of balance. And, and even for women, it's I don't know how it works for women. Does hormones go up or down when they're older? I've heard it goes up.

Like their hormones go up and they get horny?

Yeah.

Which older women you've been with?

What does that happen?

When does that happen?

Yeah, you were like saying some of your couples, like the guys, the older girls in their 50s and then younger girl guys in their 30s. Is that not a thing?

No, no, I've never said that. No, if anything, I've talked to all my guys whose wives are in menopause and they're like, it's rough. Gotta get prepared. They look like guys who have come from a war scene. Sit in my office.

That's how women feel being married to 30-year-olds. They're like, it's rough. He's just always walking around with a hard-on.

I, I— the number of women who are in their 50s married to 30-year-olds has got to be like the number of fingers I have on my hands.

No, I'm talking about like me being married to you for so long, since you were 27, like, and you're, you're a very sexual man, which makes sense with your personality. Which for me, it's like, it can be a lot being male. It can be. Yeah, well, some males are not your personality. Most men are that way, but they're— I've talked to a few that are like a little bit less.

Who have you talked to?

I'm not going to name names on this podcast.

A little bit less. Well, here's what I'll tell you. I have more data points on men than you do, and I'm not saying you don't have more data points on women, but I have to do more data points of truth from you based up on men and their experience with women. So I know I've had more marriage conversations than you've had marriage conversation. You've talked with your hair salon girls, you've done that, etc., but I've spent over 90,000 guys over 15 years. And all I'm saying is that there is a place if, if we as couples can crack this code, because of the code, we just have to go off all drugs. It's, it's not a drug thing, you weirdo.

Like, you are dramatically different when you are on any kind of gear and on testosterone.

Okay, what does that look like?

You— I just know, like, it's, it's like a lot of pressure, and I'm like, oh, he's— I know he's thinking about sex all the time. When you're not on gear. I noticed this, I told you this this morning. I'm like, it's kind of a catch-22 because there's like this edge that dies, which I'm like, oh, but then I'm like, oh, like sometimes the edge can be like a lot. So like the edge is like, you know, like it reminds you of like young male energy and it's kind of attractive, but at the same time you're like, ah, it can be like a lot.

So, but it was a lot for you when I was in my 20s.

It's a lot.

It was— if you think about the first 10, 12 years of our marriage, which you talk about in your book God Is My Ghostwriter, you should pick up a copy on Amazon, number one bestseller. Let's go. You were expressing deep frustration with sexuality in the first 10 to 12 years we were married. It was still weird for you. There was still problems you had with it. You still thought I was too much at that time. All that's happened is I've become less reactive and I've become more contained of my energy. But back in my 20s, I'm as un-fucking-controlled in your 20s. You don't know any different in your 30s. And it's like, we— this is the, this is the one point getting back to, like, why so many couples are getting divorced. Because if you look at the wake of— I'm not saying I haven't done something to you or I haven't shown up a certain way over decades with you that caused tons of scarring and trauma.

I did.

You did too. We did to each other. This is why so many people are saying fuck it, because they can start fresh.

But then you take—

because why? The natural hoe phase opens up for everybody and they're like, fuck all these scarring and healing work. I don't want to go do ayahuasca and go to healing therapy and go to, go to this program and go listen to Dr. Joe Dispenza and fix my mind. I'll just go here. The only challenge is you don't actually leave your scars.

Yeah, yeah. Living Tethered. What is that book I just read? Living Untethered.

Yeah, isn't it The Untethered Soul?

Yeah.

You guys are listening to the show, you understand where I'm at. This is the perpetual debate with men and women. And yeah, and there's a place where both parties have to surrender. Right, the narrative, which is from my side, like pressure. It's interesting because like women will say this, you will say this, that you feel pressure from your husband. Man can say nothing, do nothing, but you still feel pressure.

Yeah.

How, how do you feel pressure if he's done nothing and said nothing?

It's just your energy.

Okay, so the energy pressure, but the guys feel the same thing, which is a pressure, right? Right? If you look at the flipping narrative.

But also, I think a lot of this pressure is kind of like self-induced and made up. Like, you could— I could be upset with the kids or something or this, and you kind of like take it personal that you're not providing enough or you're not doing enough, or I didn't say thank you enough, or I didn't tell you you're the man. And I'm like, God, babe, I'm sorry, I just didn't sleep good last night and I was dealing with the toddlers, and then I had this drama come up on social media. And like, I just— like, the last thing I'm thinking about is like telling you how proud I am and thank you for paying the bills. Like, even if I'm not working as hard of you— as hard of you and like paying like the bills, like, I'm still dealing with my own shit in my head. It doesn't mean I'm not appreciative of you. And And there's been even times like in the morning I'm like, whoo, his energy is like dicey. And I'm like, I'm not— I used to take it personal and then I would shut off and I'd be like, God, he wants more sex or he's mad at me or blah blah blah. And I would like create these fucking narratives that we do because our brains are human and that's what we do that really don't even serve us. And so I kind of got to this place where I'm like, the minute that comes up, I'm like, I don't need to make this about me. Garrett's problem with one of his clients or tragedy or something happened, why am I making this about me right now? Why am I being like, oh, he's upset with me? I'm like, it's not about me. He is having his own issue, and I like, I don't— I can say, hey, are you okay? I can talk to you. And even if you're like, yeah, a client did this and I'm sexually frustrated, I'm like, I thought that— that's the energy I felt, you know? Like, at least I understand it's not just— it's not on me, even though like, yes, you have sex with me, the energy is not specifically on me. It's like what you're going through. And so I think it's hard with couples is because they, they both don't feel seen and heard or validated, or one or the other. But we're all just so much in our own head just thinking about ourselves that it's hard to like plug from those thoughts and make a conscious effort to go to our partner's needs. And I think that in marriage, that's something that you have to do, not all the time, but this awareness at least will be like, okay, I'm not going to create unrealistic expectations and create these stories and take my husband's mood or my mood and blow it up into some stupid argument over past triggers that we've had. I'm going to let these past experiences we had, I'm just going to let them go and check in with my partner like, hey, how are you this morning? So I think in marriage, it's one of those things that when this reactive thought comes up, instead of assuming and going down a rabbit hole, at least for women, almost analyze the thought and don't take it so personal. From my experience and talking to a lot of women, what we do is we snowball everything and then we shut off and we don't let anybody in and we're guarded. And so then our husbands are like, they're like a lockbox, so they don't have sex. And we're like, no, we just created a shit show in our minds. And then we don't feel like we have anyone safe to talk to about it because we don't want to offend or trigger our husband or think that we don't love them or they're not providing.

You get it. Still comes down to the two scary questions.

Scary?

Yeah. Okay, guys ask a question: am I loved for more than what I provide? Women asking: am I only loved for what I give sexually?

No, I don't believe that for me personally because Yes, that's a part of it, but like, I, I believe that like I have a lot of depth and soul and connection. And being a mom, like, I think, like, I don't, I don't believe that for myself.

As you get older, do you get worried about being replaced?

No.

A lot of women do.

Well, that's on them. Okay, if you, if you were at a place where you wanted to replace me, I'd be at a place where I want to replace you. I'd be like, this is amicable, we're not in the same space, we should probably move on. But I am very comfortable in my own skin. I feel like I'm a great woman, wife, just like you do, I'm sure, as a man. And I feel like I have a lot of depth to me that no 29-year-old pair of tits could compare to.

Great.

So I'm like, yeah, that might be fun for a minute, but like, good luck with that. If that's what you want in life, you're not my fit anymore. If you want a 29-year-old pair of tits, I'm not your girl, because I have great tits.

You do.

I was like, and I, and I feel like I could be light and funny, but I come with resistance and knowledge and depth. And I'm like, I actually think that men do want that. They want a little kickback. They want somebody who doesn't just tell them they're the man all the time. They need that polarity to keep them on their toes just a little bit, because what's going to keep them from trading in one hot 29-year-old who's kind of boring for another one?

A lot of guys do that.

Yeah.

I still always come back to this simple question. If, like, if you were to compute out— we were talking about this as a group— if you were to compute out, let's say, a 5-minute activity over 7 days, that's a total of 35 minutes a week, right? 35 minutes a week. If you look at how many, I don't know how many minutes are in a week. Sylvan, you don't know how many minutes are in a week?

It's 24 hours.

Look at that up on the internet and see how many minutes are in a week. 7 days, what do you have? 60 minutes an hour, 24 hours a day. I'm not even trying to do that math. How many minutes are in a week? We're going to figure this out. 1,000. 1,080. 10,080 minutes in a week. 35 minutes. Divide 10,080 by 35. No, no, that's not the percentage I want to do. I don't want to figure out what percentage that is. So I guess you divide 35— 35 by 10,080. Do that. Do 35 divided by 10,080. I'm gonna see something right now. 0.003. We're not even 1%. We're a third of a percent. We're a third. We are 0.003%. 0.003% of a week is 35 minutes. So you have 10,080 minutes. I'm going to remember this number forever. 10,080 minutes in a week. If you had an activity for 35 minutes, which is—

Garrett, we get it. You're sexually frustrated this week.

Which is 0.003%. We get it.

The drugs have kicked in. It's been a few days. I knew that walking into this podcast. The smart woman, what she does is she's like, shit, I gotta go on a date night with my husband and I don't want him to be sexually frustrated. You take care of your man. It's been a few days, you're like, I don't wanna deal with the conversation of him being sexually frustrated. Just take care of your man. I came into this podcast like, I brought myself into this. I got it. I knew this morning when I got the text like, if you're ready, baby, at 6:45. And I was like, what the, what? And to my credit, I knew. You said, if you wanna, you know I like morning sex and you were like, hey, if you want me to come in at 7:00 AM, I actually woke up at 6:15 and read that. And then I was like, oh, I'll rest a little bit more. And then like, 6:58, I was like, I got to get up. And then I come out and you're on calls. And yeah, and I was like, oh, I don't care. If you want— if you wanted to make it happen, you would have made it happen.

Here's what I said: Girls are up. I hope you slept well. I will take the girls to school. If you're feeling great this morning, let's connect around 7 AM. Desire and connection to Sam. Love you.

It's so sweet.

I thought it was— I thought that was a good scent.

It was— it was— no, it was a good scent. I did— I did woke up— woke up this morning with like a— like there's some mornings I'm like ready to go, I did wake up this morning with like a little bit of a stomachache, but I was like, it's fine. But I had been awake since 6:15. So after like laying there for 45 minutes, I was like, should I go get them? And so I came out thinking like—

there was no response. There was no response to this text.

There was no response. I opened it. I read it. That's her response. It opened. It said read. It opened read. If it said undelivered, you would know that is clearly—

I didn't see it. How is read a response? That's like a ghost. That's when you go.

No, if I read it, you know that I saw it. That is a response. And like, well, we don't need to argue about it. Let's just, let's just admit to admit that this, this whole podcast is because Garrett is sexually frustrated. And that's okay, it happens. Like, it happens like at least 3 to 4 times a month. A week? No, not a week. So I'm starving. We're gonna leave this.

We're gonna leave this to a conclusion.

We don't have to wrap.

I just wrapped this about math. Math is wondering, we can't end the show without the math.

So, it's the facts that matter. The facts that will set you free.

10,080 minutes a week. 35 minutes divided by 7 is 5 minutes a day. 555, 7 days, 35 minutes. 0.003% of the month, of the week's minutes.

It's the glasses that do it for me.

Yeah, I'm sure they do. Eye candy for you. If you knew.

Do the math though, like what is—

0.003. Accomplish everything your heart desires.

Ladies, we are— wow, we are assholes. Did you know it's only 0.003 to make your man happy and fulfilled for the rest of your life? And even if you're menopause, he will still love you.

That's true.

That's all you gotta do.

It's true.

Don't be a crazy bitch. And remember, that's all you gotta do. 5 minutes a day. And if he doesn't even like you or pay attention to you, it doesn't matter. You just give him his 5 minutes a day and you'll have a happy marriage. Let's go to dinner.

Until we hit a sensitive subject, math.

You are so funny. I love when you're like, you're like trying to come up with like the facts and you're like, this doesn't prove your case. These are like, these are totally, these are the dumbest irrelevant facts I've ever heard.

Of course, that's what you say. But just listen to the simplicity of it. If you knew 35 minutes out of 10,080 minutes could create deep openness in the other, not, how many is that? 0.003? I don't know, do the math. It's like 99 point whatever, whatever. Percent of the month was solid.

It's not.

If a guy could know— if a woman knew that taking 35 minutes out of the week, then of course, says every woman. And the guy who's saying there's 30, 35 minutes a week out of the 10,000—

okay, let me ask you this.

That if those 35 minutes a week—

we were having sex like 2 times a day at least, and you yelled at me 3 mornings out of the week on my birthday. Yes, you did. You said you needed more sex. That was not a conversation. You were a very strong tone that women interpret as yelling on my— on my birthday week when you were getting real good sex at least 2 times a day. At least, ladies. And I still had to deal with this conversation of like, he's not getting enough.

And I was like, she's quitting the show, she's out of here. All right, so the moral of the story for today's show is this: Women don't like math.

I'm seriously leaving. And don't, don't, don't get— don't let— you're— you are a good guy and you say certain things. I'm like, ladies, he is a good guy.

I'm not talking to the ladies. I'm not worried about the ladies. I'm talking to all the dudes. And there's not one guy on the planet that didn't hear that math and go, it's 0.003%.

Don't turn to your wife as you're listening to this show and say, see, babe, because she will kick you in the Hey, do I need to remind you you were the one that made my book, Quickie Quickie Porn Star? Can I— last question on this podcast is really important. Yeah.

Okay. Why?

Why do men always—

Yeah.

No matter their level of consciousness, need to smack their woman in the ass?

I don't do it anymore.

You're more of like a caress.

I don't even caress anymore.

Bailey was like—

I've realized that the caressing and tapping is like a weak man's version, but we all do it.

You know, you still do it. I just don't think you notice when you do it.

I don't smack.

It's more of like a love tap.

It's not even a tap. It's like if I'm trying to move you somewhere, like move you out of the way, and then I'll like give you a little move you out of the way. But if you notice, I don't do the smack anymore. I used to do the smack.

Every guy does smack. Well, I was laughing because Bailey, who just had a baby, was— she's, she was like, Mom, I'm in like full-on Depends and like a diaper guy. This is what's funny is they're like, yeah, when you've never had a baby, you worry about the pushing out. You don't even think about like the aftermath. And then your first baby, you're I'm like, what the hell is this? It's like a major surgery and you're like in a diaper for a week and you're like, this is crazy. And she's like, Mom, I haven't showered in like 2 days. I have like 4 pads on a diaper. And Danny looks over at me and goes, your ass looks great, and smacks me. She's like, I started crying because I have stitches. And then he realized what he did and he was like, I'm so sorry. And I was like, oh geez.

Okay, so from 19 to 49 Do you understand this is coded in us?

I know.

So you can deny—

I don't take it offensively.

You can deny the code and deny the math.

When I stopped taking it offensively, there was probably like 5, 6 years ago when I would be in the kitchen, I'd come up and like tap you in the— and you'd be like, I thought it would— you'd be like, what are you doing? And you were like, oh, I like that. And I was like, that backfired.

Yeah, you can come up and tap me in the nuts anytime you want. Oh, let's go. Not hard, not hard.

I gotta go to dinner.

Not hard, like soft.

That's a, okay. I hope you enjoyed this version of The Nut Grab.

All right, listen, this show itself is brought to you by mathematics.

No.

10,080, that's all you need to remember, gentlemen. Ladies, we're talking 0.003%, so do the math, win the game. Anything you want to add to end the show?

I hope you enjoyed this. Share it with your friends and subscribe.

All right. Thank you so much for being here. Listen, and for real, for real, God is my Ghostwriter. This book itself has been amazing. It's Danielle's backstory to— well, as you can hear from the show, we tell you a lot, but it's been the backstory that she never talks about on the show. She talks about in the book, and it was very intense for me to read it with her. I actually didn't read the book until I didn't see the final cover and final until we had it printed. And we sat in bed and read every chapter for about a week, um, through chapters of the book. I was crying half the nights. It was deeply emotional just getting to see the pain that my wife had gone through and what her part of the story was of just the last 25-year rise for us. So check it out, God Is My Ghostwriter, on Amazon. And share the show up. Every man you know needs to know this math, and ladies, you know you need to know this math too. Again, remember the numbers: 10,080, 0.003%, 35 minutes, 1 You're handling everything. This is Garrett J White signing off with another episode of the Date Your Wife podcast.