Expectations in relationships... Ep 3

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Let's go.

Hey, if you celebrated birthday day. Happy birthday to you. Birthdays are being brought to you by our very own Oliver Adams.

How come I ain't get to do birthdays on my birthday? Okay.

You don't want me doing it. It's going to take too long.

So. Yeah, we already started shout out to the November babies. We were made in love.

Yes, we were. Well, depending on what part of the month.

Right, right.

Because I mean, if you later in the month. Nah, you was a. You sad.

You break.

Mama was a side chick.

Mama was a side chick. I didn't even think about that. If you. So if you what day what as you are you past the 15th of November.

Yeah. If you're born after the 19th.

Right, right. You definitely you.

You decide. I mean it's at you.

I mean, power 108.9, a station for the people. The opinions and views expressed by this program are those of the program, program host and guest, and do not necessarily reflect the views of Power 108.9 and its officials. Hey, beautiful people, beautiful conscious people. How y' all doing? It's Armand Kadima again with Conscious Intercourse alongside Emma Pill.

What's up? What's up?

We're back at it again.

We are back at it again. Back. Like we left something, but we did.

You left something.

We left something. We gotta pick it back up under.

The table or something.

We gotta pick it back up because.

Oh, wow.

We had a nice, spicy conversation last show.

Spicy.

Yes, we had a very spicy conversation last time.

Tantalizing.

You know, people had, you know, chimed in, they want more. So, you know, we touched on relationships.

Oh, man, that word.

Yeah. But how was your weekend? I hope everybody had a great weekend. Memorial Day weekend. Got your barbecues on. You know, shout out to the veterans, the soldiers that lost their life. You know, Shout out. Shout out. Shout out. Much love, but, yeah, I hope you all had an amazing weekend.

Yeah, the weather down here is phenomenal. It's hotlineup. Officially. Hot.

Hot. Yeah, we feeling it. It's the unofficial start of summer, so we feeling every bit of it.

Yeah. I've been feeling this retrograde, though, this eclipse season.

Man.

Communication so. So volatile.

Yeah. You know, since being introduced to the whole concept of it, I've been really paying paying more attention to it. It's real.

Electronics not working, phone not working, computer not working, TV's not working properly.

People not working properly.

People.

Relationships. Thank you. That word, not working properly, you know, it's the breakdown of all communication.

Yes.

And it can. It can have a big effect on everything.

People. A lot of people broke up over the last three weeks.

Yeah. I. I've. I've heard about some people breaking up, some people talking about breaking up, some people who ain't spoke and. Days. Weeks.

Yeah.

How long did this. How long? The retrograde.

It's about three weeks now. It's been three. Yeah. Going on four weeks. So it's. It ends actually tomorrow officially. But there's usually some shadow period.

So this is with the new moon. With each new moon, like. Right.

Something like that.

Okay. Yeah. Let's enlighten people on what this is, because I think it's something that we should. We should pay attention to.

I mean, we got to bring in an astrology expert. An astronomist.

Astronomist.

Or someone that's a expert. I mean, we know a little bit about it. You know, it's just a time of period, it happens about four times a year where the planet Mercury, which rules communication, kind of goes into this retrograde, almost like contrary to its original orbit, it kind, it's kind of like orbiting backwards. So it throws off all communications, anything that works, you know, with any type of communication, you know, electronics, people just, just a little thrown off. It's also time for reflection, to sit back, to not make big decisions. Because you're a little cloudy, right? There's a lot of things that's going on. You, you misinterpret what people are saying. You gotta. So you can release a time to really just sit back and just, you know, analyze.

So if anybody broke up in the last three weeks. Yes, revisit or, you know, talk it out. Let's, let's see where you, you know, see where you, where the miscommunication. You know, where that gap was. So y' all can talk it out, right?

Exactly. Gotta be conscious. Right. Gotta be kind, especially around our environment and things that impact us and affect us. Right. A lot of us get into, you.

Know.

A lot of different, you know, Scorpio. I mean, not Scorpio, but what's the word?

Scorpios.

No, not Scorpio. I'm leaving scorpions alone.

I know Scorpio.

You get into the signs. What's the word for signs?

Astrology? Zodiac.

Zodiac signs.

Zodiac signs.

Yeah, a lot of people get into that, but it's really, you know, on a surface level because it could get deeper than that because we are all are impacted by, you know, the, the planetary movements.

Yeah.

You know, their locations.

And we should be, we are of this Earth. We should be impacted this universe. With the universe. Right. Of the Earth, which is of the universe. So we should, Everything that happens should play a part in our lives, right?

Indeed.

Being conscious of it is how we.

Yeah, being aware.

Being aware and knowing how to process that. But I'm glad I was introduced to the whole concept because.

Yeah, it's quite intriguing.

It's very intriguing. Yeah. But relationships.

Yeah. We got into, you know, some, some interesting conversations on the last show and I think for mostly we, we, we discuss a lot of the problems and issues with, you know, relationships mainly around commitment, especially around monogamy. Right. Whereas there's just been a lot of evidence over the years on how for the most part men have been unable to remain faithful, as the word would say, in a monogamy type structure.

And you think you got the answer to that, right?

Right now I ain't got the answers.

You think you know why men. Why men cannot be monogamous?

If I had the answers, I would just say it right now and just drop the mic, you know, like, hey, you know what I'm saying? I figured it out, right?

Because it's not just sleeping around, right? That's not the answer. Well, that's not the answer. So what is the answer?

Right? What is the solution? Right? I mean, that's what the result is, that people are sleeping around. Is that what. So is that what they want? Is that what people want? Is that what men desire? The men desire to sleep around? Or is it more just something that happens from time to time? Right.

But you believe it's just a general thing, like, all men are dealing with this. Well, not one man I'm searching can be monogamous.

I'm searching for that man that can do it. Like, as women talk about, you know, women be like. When they're in a relationship, they'd be like, I only have eyes for my man. Like, other men don't even exist. Like there's no such thing as a man. Like, what is that? You know, when women are in relationships.

I'm like, yeah, when I'm in love. When I'm in love, I'm all in. I don't even see you. I don't see nobody else. I don't hear nobody else. It's like my boo on my mind.

That's. That's profound, right?

I mean, that's real for me. I guess I can only speak my truth. And I know women who feel the same way, because at the end of the day, there's people in our face all the time.

Exactly.

That's not. That's nothing new. So when you have somebody that. That has your attention, you know, and it's giving you the same in return, it's like, what am I looking for? I gotta hear, you know, Unless there's something else you're looking for. Unless you're. You're lacking something perhaps, Right? And I think that's, you know, that's it in a nutshell. When it comes to women.

Yeah.

When it comes to women, like, if we got somebody who's holding it down, who's providing, who's giving us the attention and the affection, I. I don't. I don't think we, you know, have too much reason to step out.

Holding it down. You mentioned, you know, providing, providing.

You mentioned giving attention. Attention, affection, affection. All that is holding it down.

Holding it down. So as long as the man's holding it down, do your can commit to a relationship, but he's lacking in one of those things, then what happens?

Well, I think it's. That's what, that's where the communication.

If your man gets fired.

From his.

Job, y' all gotta downsize to a one bedroom shack. Are y' all still good? A shack? I'm just saying it happens.

I don't know. If we good, we gotta live in the shack.

Oh, snap. So it's conditions to this thing?

I mean, I'm just saying it's conditional. I ain't about to live in no shack by myself.

No, he's gonna be right there with you giving you a.

No, I mean, I mean, what I mean is if I'm on my own, I'm not about to be living in no shack. So if I'm with a man who. I'm living in the shack with a man, then we got a problem.

Why?

Because it's, it's a problem. You gotta. Somebody gotta be providing.

But the woman can provide too, right?

Exactly. Yeah, the woman can provide too.

Yeah. Some women have actually have more opportunities than men to provide nowadays.

This is true. This wasn't always the case.

Yeah. So can that dynamic work where the man kind of just, you know, is provided for while the woman works and he still like, you know, cooks and clean and make sure, you know, her bath waters ran when she gets home, you know, make sure that, you know, he's got the favorite TV show lined.

Up, got the sports center on.

Yeah, well, if she likes sports, right. He, you know, he's rubbing her feet when she walks in the house, you know, all that good stuff, all the affection and love stuff. But he's not a provider. He's just, you know, someone that rather stay at home.

And you have dynamics like that. I hear it, I see it. But that goes back. I think that goes back to what I was saying about the breakdown of the family last year. I was talking about the breakdown in the family where women are heading the household. I don't think that's the natural structure of things. No, I don't.

Natural structure of things.

Yes, yes.

As the man you hit me on.

That'S so that's biblical.

Biblical now, yeah.

I'm just saying it goes all the way back.

Natural structure of things. Biblically, yeah.

Masculinity, femininity, divine masculinity, divine femininity. You know, what is the man supposed to. So that's what I mean by the natural origin of how that's supposed to.

He's supposed to till the land. Right. Work to till the land, to bring forth crops, you know, so he could feed his family while the woman, you know, gathers. Gathers all of that, cooks it.

Children and, you know, all those good things.

But biblically, those men had multiple women because not one woman can go. Can keep the children and go get the.

So there was. There was something put in place.

Yeah.

So everybody had duties.

Correct. But typically a man had multiple women to fulfill those duties. In the Bible, you said biblically earlier. I'm just detailing where, you know, what you said, right?

Yeah, that's what I said.

Yeah. So because he, you know, one woman can't do it all, she can't keep the five, six children. Still cook, right? Still, you know, because back in the days, it wasn't like a regular stove. You just didn't walk in the house and just turn, you know, an oven on. It was a lot of labor. Yeah, it was a lot. You know, the man got the wood, but you still had to, you know, set it all up, you know, gather the stuff, you know.

Yeah, but we. We talked about. We're.

We're.

We're in today.

Okay, so we're to. So things.

Let's come back to.

So the structure has changed then?

Oh, absolutely. So all. All that totally different now. We're not living in.

Okay, so the structure has changed. Must change. So the structure's changed because we've evolved.

We've evolved and we've digressed in. In ways.

So we've evolved and.

Well, yeah, I think in. In many ways.

Going backwards.

We're going backwards.

What aspect?

Communication.

Okay.

Explaining. Explaining what they're. What the. What the relationship involves entails, what they're doing, what the duty is, what the responsibilities are, what the expectations are.

Expectations. So, like, gender roles. Like, a man is supposed to do this, a woman's supposed to do that.

Okay. You think that's what you want to call it?

I'm just saying almost seems like everyone has a purpose, right. Within the structure. Marital structure or relationship structure, whatever you want to call it, to fulfill some aspect of it based on their God.

I'm not talking about gender roles. I'm just talking about setting. Making your expectations clear within your relationship. What I expect, what you expect. Let's talk about it, okay? Making sure we. We see eye to eye and we're understanding and we can move forward and make a commitment. So if we're talking about commitment, so why.

If people struggle with that, why is that not the Thing. If we could. If we could easily articulate it just now. Right? That is. That's what it boils down to. So what's the problem? Why are. Why is the divorce rate so high? Right. Are people unable to talk?

I think people are all struggling with. With internal trauma. Right. I think we are healing. Everybody needs to heal. And when people are not healed individually, how can you take on somebody else's trauma and things when you aren't dealing with your own personal things?

Okay.

How can you communicate what you want from someone when you don't even know what you want?

So everybody's hurt.

A lot of people are hurt and don't even realize they hurt.

But why is everybody hurt? Like, what's. I don't get it. Like, what's the problem? Why is everybody hurt? Because if. If the divorce rate is so high, and we're saying one of the reasons for that is that people are hurt. They enter this relationship, you know, with traumas or, you know, whatever issues they're unlearning.

Things like unlearning traditional ways. That's not working for people in relationships.

Exactly. Traditional ways. It's not working. So is it that this structure is not properly set up for us to succeed? This marriage, Monogamous type structure that we've been presented to us from, you know, from the time that most of us are children, from the church that we went, we attended, from schools, from tv, some movies. Is it that it's not adequate for who we are as a people?

We may have evolved to something else. So it is a greater understanding.

Interesting. So we've evolved. So we starting to change rules so we could adapt to our evolution.

Allegedly.

Right. So what does that mean now? Right? If we're. We're going to say that, okay, something has changed, you know, as a people, we've changed. We've evolved. What is this? How do we get the new guidance, new guidelines? Right.

Because we communicate. We talk.

So to each his own. Right?

Everybody, we have conscious intercourse.

Yeah. So to each his own. Like, every couple creates their own dynamic. There's no longer following.

Everybody don't operate the same.

Exactly.

So they're all individuals.

So this one size fits all.

It's not a one size fits all kind of ordeal here, okay? I don't think so.

That's very interesting. Yeah.

I would love to hear other perspectives on this. I would love to. To hear a man chime in like, I'm faithful. I want to be faithful. I got eyes for my wife or my woman and only her. I mean, I Wanna, I wanna hear that.

Yeah. I would love to meet a man that only has eyes for his woman. And I want to understand how he controls that. Right. You know, in a society where there's so much.

And that's what I think the word, like, it's, it's self control. Because it's natural that you're gonna see, you're gonna see a fat ass. You won't see. You're gonna look like, oh, but that don't mean you gotta go touch. That'll mean you look. It's okay.

Granddaddy like touching. Just say, look.

Self control.

So granddaddy had no self control.

I can't speak for everybody, granddaddy. I can't speak for nobody's granddaddy. I don't know what granddaddy was doing. Granddaddy kept that under the rug. Yeah, but we're talking about communicating. Like, talk about what it is you want. That's how you, you know. Okay, first of all, the whole dating thing and expectations, once, once the communication is broke down, like, we don't even have really intimate conversations anymore. Everybody is using these phones. We texting, we sending emojis. That's supposed to be how we feel. Like, okay, oh, they hearted it. Oh, they sending kisses. Like, how about you talk about how you feel? I'm, you look beautiful.

Like, talking about how, talking about how we feel.

I, I, you look beautiful. I, I appreciate what you did. Thank you. You know, that, that made me feel good. I like you. I don't like that. Like, just talk, talking.

Right. So you're asking men to be in touch, in tune with their emotions.

Is that, is, is that impossible?

I mean, we're hard. We're gangster. Like, nobody got no time to be emotional, be tough with men.

Toxic. That's toxic masculinity.

Is it?

Yeah. To be tough, because we are human. We have feelings, and we should be able to tap into our feelings.

So this whole ideology about men, you know, not crying or. No, that's, or being, Being emotional. Right. Because. Right, man. And telling a man he's emotional is like, that's, Those are fighting words.

Yeah.

You don't tell no man he's emotional. Like, yo.

But men are emotional and sometimes more emotional than females.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Dang.

Because truthfully, I think we're the, we're. We're more emotionally strong.

Oh, women are stronger.

I do believe so in anything. I ain't say all that.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying, you just detail an area where a woman you're saying. So you're saying a woman is stronger.

Now, don't get it wrong. We're going to be more expressive. But I. I think we. We are, you know, stronger emotionally because we, you know, that's who we are. We are women. We feel. We, you know, and we're going to express it. Y' all hold it in.

Yeah, that's what we've been taught to hold.

That's why. That's my. Back to my point. Unlearning things. That's what a breakdown is. Unlearning these traditional ways or these, you know, these stereotypical ways that people, you know, play things that people placed on us, like let that go.

So the conditioning, such as, you know, men not being in tune with their emotions is potentially a cause of why men are unable to be faithful in relationships.

I think that had. That plays a big part in it. Yeah.

Just like, for example, how. For example, how most men talk about. Right?

Yeah.

How they're.

Oh, we got a calling. Oh, this is just. Just chime in, please. Chime in. Yeah, we want people, but go ahead.

No, I'm just. Yeah, I got distracted right there. We were talking about men, you know, being emotionally in tune and potentially that could lead to them not being unfaithful or potentially, you know, cheating. Right. So it's their detachment to themselves and their emotions is potentially the reason as to why. Because I heard a lot of women have talked about how men are emotionally unavailable. Like, you hear that very often.

Women, too.

Well, I hear a lot about women specifically talking about their men being emotionally unavailable. Right. I hear that very often. You never hear a man talking about, my woman's emotionally unavailable. You'd be like, what's wrong with you? Okay, sounds like we got a caller, so we want to. Here's some thoughts.

Definitely. Please chime in. What we got, caller? Where you at?

I'm in VA right now.

Hey, va what's up? Let's talk about it. What's on your mind?

Well, what's on my mind is first off that my homie Kadima, man. So I said, let me go ahead and chime in.

Oh, wow.

Somebody that knows me. Oh, snap.

Oh, okay.

Oh, the coal field.

The coal field and coastal BK in the house.

Bedford Stuyvesant, the livest one, the best dies in the house. Mossy.

Okay.

What's good, homie?

So I guess I just wanted to chime in because I don't. I know y' all was talking about, you know, far as, you know, marriages, divorces, and how people sometimes get to those places in their life, you know, and sometimes, like, you know, as you were saying, it is kind of what we end up doing is a lot of us, we end up mimicking, you know, we mimic what we see.

There you go.

You know.

Yeah.

So a lot of times we just acting off a muscle memory. But then once, yeah, once you go ahead and get into that relationship, yes, it might have seemed like it was all honky dory, you know, and you all grew. But then as people grow and nobody in the one part maybe isn't going along for the ride and not going in that same, you know, direction that you're trying to go in and things of that nature, you know, that's where that breakdown and that disconnect comes from. And then that's where, you know, like you said, no, that's where those discussions of divorce come in at, you know.

What'S your name calling?

My name? Brandon.

Brandon. Brandon. Brandon. So you first mentioned mimicking. So it seemed like to me, that's where. Where to start with. You mentioned mimicking. When people mimic what other people are doing. What's. What's in the spotlight, what's on social media, what's in the tv, you know, what's in the public eye. Right.

Actually, I'm gonna take it. I'm gonna take it even. I'm gonna take it even further back to like how you said, you know, for seeing the grandparents, you know, your parents. Mimic. Mimicking, mimicking, because you really. You didn't know what it. Or whatever, what all it took.

Right?

Correct.

Keep that. To keep those things together. So, like, I'm speaking just mainly for myself. Like, I was raised primarily for my grandparents. So I've seen them. I see my grandfather taking care of everything, see my grandmother cook the food and that, and that was it.

I didn't.

I was never given a true example of what it. Marriage and family truly sought to look like. You know what I'm saying? Because once again, as y' all said, that was a different time, a different space. So, yes, they move different, you know, and as we. And as we've all gotten older now, we see some. Some of the ways they did things as we evolved, they weren't done the correct way. So we still have those. Those traits and those belief systems that's basically got indoctrinated into us, you know?

Right.

So essentially, like, we're unconscious. Right. We're just. Like you said, when you talk about mimicking, right. Something that you just follow doing something without understanding why you're doing it. Right. You're just.

Then when you. And then once you become conscious, and then once you become conscious, you say, you say to yourself, you know what? I can't go along with. I can't go along with something wrong anymore. And then that's when you kind of say, you know, and you make those hard decisions to say, you know, we may need to go ahead and go our separate ways. And that's the. And that's the reality of life. So do you. So then it becomes a question of do you just stick around or do you just, you know, accept it for what it is?

Well, yeah, that's a great, great, great point.

That's a great point.

Brandon, I think you've really brought up some very, very valid points, and I appreciate you calling in and sharing those perspectives. We really want to understand exactly how we evolved from those, you know, the points that Brandon just made. Right. It's like he made some very, very valid points.

Very valid. Go ahead, because I'm gonna touch on.

To me, the whole, the stuck. The whole mimicking thing. Right. It's like we unconsciously, if we've been conditioned, we've been presented this idea. Right. This is what this looks like. Right. And then we just follow along, you know, we, you know, you meet a girl, we get married. Right. Without really even understanding, like, what that entails. Like, right.

You're living in the household you grew up in. A lot of people grew up.

Yes.

Without a father in the household.

Exactly.

Without a mother in the household.

Exactly.

Without a father figure.

Correct.

So some, some men grow up not knowing what that is or how to be a man, how to be a father, how to be a husband.

Exactly.

You know, so we try to just get out there and just wing it. And that's the fault. That's where we go wrong, you know, and there's nothing wrong with winging it. We winging it. We winging life at the end of the day, but understanding that we are mimicking what. What we saw.

Correct. Yes. And then also, you know, for me, it leads to understanding yourself and who you are. Right. What may potentially have worked for Granddaddy and Grandmama may not work for you because you've evolved. You're, you know, this is a different generation. You, you know, you're growing up in the age of social media. You know, we grew up in the hip hop generation, Right. Where we saw a lot of different things.

Right.

You know, all we talked about, you know, was women, women, women, women, women.

Right, right.

All the movies, that's how we see Right. Everywhere we go. So it's like, damn, like now I got to commit myself to this one person for the rest of my life. But then it's like, you're looking for this ideal person, right? This person that's going to fit everything. Everything. The looks, the intellectuality, the, the ability to cook, you know, to dress. Like you're looking for this perfect nurturing. Nurturing. You're looking for this perfect person. Is that really real? Is, Is a perfect person really out there?

I don't know. It's possible. It's possible to find somebody that got it all, but it's rare.

Exactly. And then people. Yeah. And then what he said is people didn't change and evolve throughout the relationship. Then it's like, how do you talk about how you've changed? Right.

And that's the whole thing, being able to talk about it.

Correct.

Once you acknowledge that, okay, I see I'm making the same mistakes my father, my grandfather made. I need to do things a little differently. So now you're reaching, you're trying to find consciousness. I think it's important if you feel like that's the path that you're on, make sure your partner is there as well. You know, share the enlightenment. Like, like, let's talk about things like that. Like, look, this is what I realize. This is where I realize I go wrong. You know, I didn't have a father figure. This is the, this is the example that I had in the household. And maybe I'm, you know, maybe I messed up a little bit.

Correct.

Can we talk about it?

Yeah, that's deep, right? Being able to be self aware and accountable for who you are and what your beliefs are, you know, what your desires are. Because ultimately, you know, it's very deeply embedded in us, in who we are. Right?

It is.

And we've evolved and I've reached a certain point in life when we enter these relationships and these dynamics. But then it's like, what is the right thing? Like, what is correct is I think.

It'S different for each individual relationship.

Agreed. Right. So she was gonna boil down to those people. You also have to have the mental fortitude to be able to communicate to your partner. Because without fear. Because. Right. Let's say you meet this girl and you love her so much. Right? I'm just gonna speak from a man's perspective. This is the one. But, you know, you may still have a desire to still have her and potentially every once in a while, just, you know, you know, step out. Right. But if you tell her that she's dipping. Like, she's not. She's like, what? Like. Okay, so. So now you're afraid to communicate to her. Okay, right. How you. How you really feel because you know she's gonna flip. Like, what?

And. But you don't know she gonna flip. But. Because you feel.

Exactly.

Fear causes you. Not to mention.

Exactly.

But I think that's what you should do. You should be honest in relationships. If a man really feel transparency at all times. Because if that's how you feel, give her. Give her her power to choose. Like, if that's what you going to do, maybe she want to do it, too.

Yeah, perhaps.

Perhaps she want to.

But I've heard women are not like that, though, so. But her. Women are different. That's what I've been told.

I mean, women.

Women are not. Are not. Like, they only have eyes for her man. Unless he decides to have eyes for other people. Then all of a sudden, she. She has eyes too, right?

Listen, listen, listen. Yeah, it's. It's. It's.

I hear the music.

Yeah, I hear music. We coming back to this. But, yes, please, if you hear. And chime in, we want to hear your perspective. Relationships, commitment, attachments, expectations. We want to hear about it.

Conscious intercourse.

Conscious intercourse.

Yo, what's going on, y'? All?

This is Malik McFadden. And did you know that you can listen to Power 108.9 247? Just visit the website power1089.com or simply say, Alexa, play Power 108.9.

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Yep. Conscious intercourse. Yeah, yeah, we're back on power 108.9. So we left off with women having eyes all of a sudden when their man confesses that he has eyes.

Oh, really? All of a sudden.

All of a sudden she has eyes? No, it's conditional, right?

No, it's about having self control.

What does that mean, self control?

That means controlling self. Controlling your emotions, fighting temptation. When you choose that you are going to be in a committed relationship, those are the things that you stay away from. You know, I'm controlling myself. I have chose to be over here. So I'm not doing that.

So all these men, all these great men in the history of humanity who've achieved these great monumental things have lacked self control because they've did things with other women?

So are you. Are. Are you suggesting that they've achieved so many great things because they have been just out here being able to.

No, I'm not necessarily saying that. I'm just saying they lacked self control. Right. They achieved all these great things. They had the self control to not go outside and play around when they were in the lab or. Or whatever they were doing or whatever they were building.

Oh, you mean just focus?

Yeah. They have self control. Yeah, that's something. Because they had to demonstrate self control when it came to achieving whatever they achieved.

Absolutely.

You know, but when it came to this dynamic of being committed, they didn't have self control.

So they succeed in that business.

Exactly. They have self control and everything else but relationship except this commitment thing.

That's interesting.

So I'm like, so what is that about? That's really. I'm trying to understand, is that. Why is that?

Because I think being in a relationship, it. It forces you to deal with your personal issues. It makes you reflect and have to deal with certain things.

Okay.

You know, and sometimes instead of dealing with certain things, people rather just move around and go be introduced to the next person who knows nothing about you. So now you could just put on this whole new face and be somebody else to avoid dealing with those things.

So you think it's more to avoid something. It's a Distress.

It's a little bit of a lot of things.

It's more. You're saying that it's more of a deflection from the truth.

It could very much be a deflections and, and not trying to be accountable for anything. Accountable for your emotions, which you have a hard time controlling.

But why should we control our emotions? That's who, that's who you are as.

Men, isn't that what you said?

No, we've been conditioned to be that way to suppress our emotions. Right, right. That's part of the issue.

And that's the part.

So we're suppressing our emotions and then we found ourselves in a whole lot of, you know, doodle. Right.

Exactly.

Right. But then you're saying we should control our emotions. Right?

I mean, health, like.

Yes, because control includes suppressing them. So if your emotions are telling you, I want to do this. Right. But then as you're saying, oh, no, suppress that. Right. Suppress that emotion. Because you're now in a committed relationship, so suppress that then.

Yep. Just like when you're on a diet. When you are on a diet, you see a nice juicy cheeseburger fully loaded with cheese and everything on it. It looks delicious, doesn't it? But you know, it is killing you slowly. Why? Why Indulge.

That's what they do. But that's how many people successfully die. That's. That doesn't work. Diets are the biggest.

That's why a lot of. That's why there's obesity and that's why a lot of people are dying.

Because self control doesn't work.

But that's why we have to fix it.

No, I think it's being real with who you are. Right. And making conscious decision.

Okay.

Your emotions ultimately, I believe, tell you who you are. So I think a lot of what happens is like a lot of us are not in tune with our emotions. So therefore we disregard our emotions to meet these expectations that the society, the world has set forth. Right. Like the marriage is supposed to look a certain way. Right. So therefore you have to suppress who you are to fit in.

I don't necessarily think our emotions are who we are. I think that's the conditioning. I think our conscious is who we are. That's who we are. That's connecting ourselves back to the spirit.

Well, emotions is your spirit.

Right.

Because women are very emotional. That's why women are taught to be weak. That's why they say, oh, a woman can never run a country because she's too emotional. So women have been deemed misconception Women have. Women have been deemed weak because of their emotional awareness.

We're evolving from that whole mindset.

Exactly. But their emotions is what.

But I don't think it's a weakness, it's a strength.

Based on what you were saying though, right, about controlling our emotions.

But that's the whole thing. In a position, in any kind of. Any position, even women, if you're in a kind of. In a position where you have to make choices, you have to know when to operate from logic or emotion. Right. And that's being. That's control. That's having your emotions intact, knowing like.

So controlling your emotions, suppressing them, essentially.

You can. I don't say suppress. It's not suppressed. It's controlling is knowing when. When to, you know, let that emotion take place or to just be wild.

I don't know. I don't know if it's being wild. I think it's just being real with who you are. Like I said, from the beginning of time, men were a certain way. And we're allowed to operate a certain way. Even in the animal kingdom, we see it, you know, most animals, male perspective, typically have multiple mates. We see it all around nature. It's just that when it comes to human beings, it's like, oh, you must be. Men must be committed and do this because they. Because then the women that they're with have been also conditioned that your man must be this. So then we fall into victims to this. Okay. As a woman, it's like, I can only be with a man if he's committed to me. If on only me for the rest of my life. And if he's not committed to me, then I'm gonna do my own thing too. But I'm like, but I don't want to do that. Right. It's like, I don't want to do this. I don't want to be out here. But.

But you do want to be out there.

I'm talking about the women. I'm talking about women. Women say they don't want to do. That's not who they are.

Right.

But they. They'll become that unless you also commit to do the same thing as they are. So it's almost like we're putting. We're making each other equal from a physiological, emotional, intellectual perspective. I just totally disagree with that. I think men and women are different. I think what you said, women are more emotionally.

Driven. Yeah.

I think emotionally connected. I think women, you know, just being who you are. As a nurturer.

Right.

As a nurturer. As a loving person, the person has to give love to children. You know, you have endure pain through birth. That requires a lot of emotional connection to who you are. Absolutely right. Men on the other end are very logical because men are builders. We have to be logical and do these things. I don't think we were created equally thinking. Women have been created to be more emotional and I think have more mental fortitude than men. Men were created to be more stronger, to have more brute strength. Right. That's what men can typically can go pick up things, run faster. This, that and the other. Right. We're not the same. I don't think men were given everything. Some people believe that. Some people believe that men are given every. They're superior. They have the mental fortitude, they have, you know, emotional awareness. They have the strength, the courage, all that stuff.

That's why we supposed to exist together. That's why, you know, the, the, the divine feminine and the divine masculine supposed to correct.

Complement each other.

Right.

But we're, but we're different. We have to understand that. Right. So as a man, the self control that you're expecting this man to have, he's not, he's not created to have that same level of self control that you do or whatever, whatever you want to call it that this thing of oh, you know, when I get in a relationship, I only have eyes for this one person. That's how women are created are because of their emotion, their emotional attributes and their mental fortitude. That's who they are. Men are not like that. I don't think men have the ability to really have that same type of level of mental fortitude to withstand these boundaries that have been created.

So it's in temptation. You can't, you can't. What you're saying is you just can't.

I mean I just.

Control yourself. You can't control your urges.

He hasn't, it hasn't happened. The preachers in the pulpits be the one. They, they. They mainly are doing it. They teach all these things and they're out there getting it in with every.

Member that they're perfect. Like all a misconception.

Exactly. So why is that no man has be able to successfully prove that they could do this. I have not found one. Let's call her please. Somebody call and tell me that they are. They've figured it out as a man. Like let's find this person. Oh, let's figure this out. Like please, let's get on here because I want to learn how you do.

It again is choice I want to.

Learn how you do it.

It goes back to choice if that's what you're choosing to do.

If you are choosing, all men are.

Choosing to do that, then don't choose it if that's not what you want.

There's even become a term called side chick. Like, literally. Okay, it's like it's. It's a thing now to have side chicks.

Because it's always been a thing to have side chicks. It's just more talked about now. We just.

But why? So I'm saying, why?

Because people are, aren't strong and don't know how to, you know, practice self control.

So. So people are not strong. So men are not strong. That's where the boys.

I guess not.

And I could actually agree with you to a certain extent. I think men don't have the same mental fortitude as I detailed earlier.

I agree.

So if we understand that, then we cannot hold men to that same expectations that women hold themselves to.

Again, self control, self control. Temptation is going to always be out here, but it's also communication. You know, we've evolved to a whole new, you know, outlook on relationships. These days, a lot of people are saying what we are saying, and they, they come to the conclusion that people cannot be monogamous and not just men. It's like people do not do it. So you got, you know, polyamorous. Polyamorous relationships. You got open marriages and all kind of things people put in place because they don't feel like they can be monogamous. So you, I think you have to find what works for you. But be honest, be transparent in. In it. That's all I'm saying.

All right, man. Y' all hear men out there. Just be transparent with your woman and she'll let you do your thing.

That's not what I said.

That's what I heard.

See what I'm saying? Deceptive intelligence.

Oh, wow. Now I'm being called deceptive.

Watch out for deceptive intelligence.

Deceptive.

Okay. Communicate what you want. Establish common ground. I, I'm with that. You're with that. But thank you for being honest with me and giving me the chance to decide whether I'm going to be in this relationship or not.

So then she dips on you because.

You were transparent, but she know who you really are. You not. It's. It's no facade is she know who you are, so you gave her a chance to decide.

So where's she gonna go now to.

Find somebody who think like her or be single until she do?

Good Luck with that. Because I just. Because if a man, unless he's gonna be, you know, a representative of the ideal person, most people who. Men if. Are. If they choose to be real and transparent, they're going to be honest. That, yes, they may love, you want to be. And literally.

And some women are okay with that. So listen. Some women are okay with that.

Okay. So I want the women that are okay with that to call in as well. I want to meet these women, you know, to kind of hear their perspective. Right. Or chime in or, you know, however that's okay.

In their open relationships.

Yeah. I mean, it's a thing.

It's a real thing. We're. We're in this together. But I know you may step out and do your thing and however y' all choose, whether we're going to communicate or we're going to talk about it or not, or I don't want to know. Just long as you taking care of what you're supposed to take care around here, it could be that. Or if you.

As long as you're holding it down, like you said, hold it down. Right.

And you ain't, you know, you being consistent when every. With everything. You started with me then, do you. Okay, that's. I'm just saying that's people who think like that.

Yeah. I mean. Yeah. I mean, this. We've. We've heard about it more. It's coming, you know, to the front.

Yeah, a lot more. A lot more.

Because there is. Because people have. People that are progressive have truly concluded that this doesn't. It's not working.

It's not working.

So then it's like. So we're trying to find solutions. Right. Some people say it's open relationships. It's whatever you want to call it. Right. Arrangements. Once a month or once a week, once a year, you. You get to step out. Right. Whatever. Right. But it's just. It's. Yeah. However. Right. Ultimately, what's. That was concluding or illuminating to me is that this traditional ideology of monogamy falling. I agree with dissipating.

I honestly agree with you. I. I believe that to each his own, but I do. I believe that marriages have failed. Just relationships have failed, and that's the biggest challenge. Black or just. I'm gonna say black. It's black. But just the family dynamic has changed. But where do we get back? Or. Or.

Or it's just, what do we start?

Or where do we start?

What do we start? A new. Right. Because if.

And I think that's what it is. We. We need to start a new with, with conscious intercourse with, with being able to be real and transparent with your partner in, in what it is that you truly want.

Even such thing as setting these boundaries. Right. You know, we look at life, you know, even from the time we were children. I remember I went to this high school where you know, there was like experimenting on us on, you know, every year it was like some different thing was changed or introduced. So I remember one year it was introduced that we could, you know, chew gum. Right. And chewing gum was no longer an issue. Like when there was a rule against it. Against chewing gum. Like crazy. As soon as they, you know, they lifted the chewing gum ban. Chewing gum was never rebellious.

That rebellious spirit. People like to do what they told them, they said. Exactly.

So is it a matter of simply just not having boundaries in these situationships or marriages? It's like let's come together and figure this out as we go. Like let's not have boundaries or rules or what I deemed it, you know, an agreement to control each other because that's really what it is. You a traditional marriage are agreements to control each other. What time you're going to be home, Are you going to do this? Are you going to do that? You can't look at another woman, you can't go to lunch with another woman, you can't do this. That you know, they can't even like it's all these, all these rules and we call them marital vows or whatever you want to call. But so interesting though, murder vows stayed to death do us part. So if I cheat, should you still stay with me because you could. Your vow said to death do us part. He didn't say to cheat. Well, I never heard 2. Cheating to cheating do us part. I've never heard that part. Maybe we need, maybe we need to include that. You know what I'm saying?

It's also sickness and in health.

Exactly.

So if you out there cheating, you sick somewhere, somewhere your mind ain't some you, you're ill. So maybe we need to reconsider this thing.

No, in sickness and health means you're going to stick with me in, through my, through my sickness.

Yes.

Cuz now reconsidering you're going to stick with me through my sickness of cheating. You're not going nowhere. That's what the. If we go back to the vows, they say you're not going nowhere. Regardless of what I do. That's what they say. I didn't make them up. We hear it in the movies, churches all the time. We do we never hear it till divorce do us part or to cheating do us part or to that you looking at that lady down the street. Do us part. You know what I'm saying?

That's what I'm saying. That's something to consider before you take them vows because, yeah, sickness and help, that's mental. Mental illness.

Yeah.

People are messed up. So you, you, you got to be careful who you're choosing to marry, who you choosing to be your partner. Because once you take them vows. Yes.

Or are your expectations unrealistic in this modern day and time where we have to learn from our past. Right. Part of us as evolutionary beings is to learn from our past mistakes. You know, you've. Everyone has heard of the saying that. Ignorant, you know, what's it called? Insanity. Talk about mental health, right? Is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We keep getting married in the same dynamics, expecting different results, and it's not working. What is the problem?

Talk about it.

What are the solutions?

Figure it out. I think it's having a conversation, communicating. We got to be able. We could communicate that and be transparent and be honest. You know what, what and what, what expectations in dating now. What does that even look like now? What do people do on dates? What is dating? What is that? I just want to know. I mean, what is dating?

That's a great question.

Getting to, get to. Getting to know people, right?

What does that even work come from dating? Right. It's like, seems like a calendar or something. We put something on a calendar, right? And we're now dating. It's like, what does it actually mean? Like, I don't know. Can you date multiple people?

I think that's what dating is. I'm dating. They're like, are you in a relationship? No, I'm dating.

So dating essentially is like the opposite of.

Or we're dating. I'm dating or we're dating.

So you meet this person. Why? You ever hear this? Right.

A courtship. That's something else.

Have you ever heard of people talk about how everything was great when they were dating?

Yes.

And as soon as they got married, all hell broke loose.

Yes. Because people put on that representative.

So when. No. Well, maybe so, but when there's no rules. You could be whatever you want to do, everything is great or expectations. Right. But as soon as you put rules around it, it all's break. I mean, we have to learn from that a little bit.

I'm just saying people run away from being accountable for anything.

I'm just saying. But why we have to be attent to that. Like when you're dating, everything is great and perfect. As soon as you put rules and boundaries around all, that's when you run.

That's when you run to somebody else. Until they put rules and boundaries, then you going to run to somebody else.

What does that tell us? How about we just keep everything perfect in a date, like arrangement?

Or how about we just communicate what we want from the beginning?

But that changes though, right?

Yeah, it does.

What somebody wants at 23, it's going to be different what they want at 33. So what somebody wants at 33, it's going to be different with that 43. Right.

So.

So creating this paradigm or this structure to where it's like, okay, to death do us part is only like you're essentially committing to never changing to death do us part.

Right.

I think is asinine.

Right.

Because people change, evolve and grow. So I think we got to start.

But that's the whole point.

Yeah.

Things are always going to change. But choosing to be with this person through it all, what is wrong with that?

I'm not saying something. Exactly.

So.

Exactly. So when they, when they cheat, don't be bashing him to your girlfriends on the phone about this cheating, this whatever. Right. He just, you understand him, that he's changed. Something happened. Maybe if something that you did, you know, you stop dropping, you drop the ball, you, you're no longer displaying that representative that you were representing at one point in time or dynamics change, you know, you have children, you know, typically. This is also the most profound thing that I've come across. The fact that men and women reach their sexual peaks at different times. Why would the Creator do that to us? Where men reached their sexual peaks in her 20s. So you're like a jackrabbit in your 20s.

Why would God make women emotionally stronger?

No, that's what I'm saying. But listen, this, this is, I, I'm. We're going to come back to that. But I'm just saying this, this simple statement, this simple observation here. Men reach their sexual peaks in their twenties. Women research peaks like in their forties.