Live 1:1 Coaching: Why Porn Feels Like Escape

I've coached hundreds of men over the last 4+ years. And today I wanna show you a live coaching session with one of my students named Rami. And before we get into it, I just wanna say that this is shared with permission. I made sure that I asked Rami's permission. I will never ever share any video, any information to anyone publicly without their consent. And even when I ask my students, I make sure that they do not feel pressured. To say yes or no. As you might know already, Rami already wanted to share his story as we did a YouTube video breaking down how he left porn for good. And now he's married, he's planning on raising a family soon. So I asked Rami to share one of our first coaching sessions we had. Of course, I removed parts that were personal to him and he said yes right away. So in this coaching session, you will see a part of one of our first calls where I show him a simple concept that is so crucial. Yet so simple to understand. And as Rami said, it blew his mind. If you want to watch how Rami broke free, I made a full breakdown that you can watch with the first link in the description.

Anyways, let's get into it.

Not any questions so far. I'm looking forward to the next step, and I'm glad we had the root cause because it's something that I've tried doing on my own.

It's harder, right?

When does this happen? Oh, but But saying it out loud is different. Saying it to someone who knows and understands is different. So, so yeah, no, so far I don't have any questions and I'm really looking forward to the next step.

Yeah, for sure, man. For sure. So I'll just explain to you, this is something you're going to learn throughout the videos, but it's just like very, very important to understand. And that is the topic of escape. So the topic of escape is because it's also throughout the process we've been doing essentially. Let me ask you this. Let's say for example, someone feels stressed or he feels anxious or any negative emotions. From your perspective, how does porn remove that stress or that anxiety in that moment that he's watching it? That can be also masturbation, porn masturbation, whatever.

It numbs it. It becomes numb.

Okay.

It numbs it. Like it doesn't— Like it doesn't allow you to even experience that inconvenience or that negative feeling or fear or anxiety or whatever it is. Like it's numbing, you know, it's like, you know, instead of doing surgery for your knee, you just put on the spray that numbs it and you continue playing. But when you're done playing, your knee is going to hurt a lot more and you can't even walk the next day. So it numbs it rather than, oh, 'You have the choice to talk about your problem or you have the choice to watch porn.' No, there is no choice. It's 'shuk, numb, bye, shut down,' and then you're automatically watching porn or masturbating or whatever. Yeah. That's for me in my experience. I feel like it became numbing. Like my mind was never— not before, not now, and not later on when I became a little bit aware of why I do this. There was never a point where like, 'Should I talk about it? Should I just go?' Like it wasn't the choice. It was an automatic decision that my mind has taken. So yeah, that's how I feel it is for me.

Okay, makes sense. What would you say, like, how does that happen if you can describe it on a physiological level, like on a physical level, like what happens, maybe also on the mind level, whatever?

What happens?

Like, how does the numbing happen?

I feel like it happens, like, for me, because it's when I'm— the second that I'm alone, Yeah, I'm not sitting there thinking like what, what the problem is. Like, it's what's— how can I say it? Like, it's what feels habitual, what feels normal, what feels like easier, where like you just pick up your phone and just open it. But how does it feel physically? I don't know how to explain, like a mental, like a tingling type of sensation, like, like it's just someone like pushing your head.. But, and when you start watching or when you start masturbating, it's a full like body relief.

Yeah, that's it.

All the blood is rushing to that specific place and then everything else is so numb. And I only knew that because a lot of times I have to stop before someone catches me and my body will just wake up and now my back hurts and my arm hurts and everything hurts. But in the process everything was numb. No, not a single feeling of it. And sometimes you also feel it where if you release like while standing and then your back starts hurting or your legs hurt because they were very contracted. Yeah. But yeah, it also numbs you physically as well.

Yeah. Okay, I get your point. Cool. So essentially you're just like this, we can, I mean, to describe it more simply, it's like kind of like this, this feeling that you're in the moment and the blood is rushing and it's almost like adrenaline in that sense. Well, not to the same extent, but it's, it's like that rush.

Yeah, that rush.

So I'll just explain to you like how relief happens, escape, or like how escaping and relief is oftentimes like intermittent. So the relief happens. What we need to understand, okay, is that we have a mind, right? So we have a brain, which is like the physical part, let's say, and the mind is the cognitive. So they're different, but like they obviously like depend on each other. Not to go into the nitty-gritty details of that, but the mind essentially can only think of— the mind can only think of one thought at a time. Okay, so you cannot think of two thoughts at the same exact time. You can switch from thoughts to thoughts, sure. You cannot think of like, you can, I mean, you can only think of one thing at a time. And that's why also if you look at studies, for example, that people that multitask end up being less productive than those that just do one single task. And it makes sense.

Yeah.

So your mind can only think of one thought at a time. So let's say, for example, that one thought in that moment is like, let's say you think of like something that stresses you out, right? So a stressful situation. What's going to happen is you're thinking about that, and what is stress? Stress is you're thinking about a situation where there's something negative that could happen. So it could be like harm, losing something, and so on. So you feel stressed so that you can do something about it. So if you are focused on that, then your body will, of course, like, you'll feel stress, and that, that's what you're going to be focused on. But here's the thing, if you want how to then change this, and you say, you know what, I'm not going to think of the stressful situation I'm going to think of the fantasy, for example. And you focus on that, meaning, because you can only think of one thought at a time, you only focus on the fantasy, only on the porn, whatever is in front of you or whatever is in your mind. As a byproduct of deciding to switch your focus, you're going to release stress. So there's nothing about like chemicals or because of dopamine or we can't even say emotions. It's just whatever you decide to focus on is going to release that. Now, of course, like there's emotions involved, there's things of that nature. But what does that show us? It shows us that Running of itself is not special when it comes to releasing stress, I mean relieving stress, relieving anxiety, any negative emotions, feeling depressed, feeling hopeless, and so on. It just provides, and it's not even running provides, it's you deciding to focus on that thing. Some people, for example, I give you the example of people running, they get the same thing, it's just that it's harder physically to do. Or for example, there's people that go into video games, it used to be the case for me and probably for you too in the past, right? Some people, it's going and like I said, mutilating themselves because they're focused in that moment. They're just thinking of that. So they can't think of that stressful situation if like all they're thinking about is whatever they're doing instead. Does that make sense?

That makes a lot of sense. And I never thought about it because I am not a good multitasker at all.

Okay.

My fiancée claims that she is, but she ends up on the days that she's off, which is Friday, when I come back home, she ends up like, yeah, I wasn't as productive because I was doing many things at once. And you think about it now, in the times where I tried to be multitasking, um, it's— you're right, it's just one thought at a time. It might be that they're right after each other, but it's still one thought at a time. Yeah, like your mind can only occupy one thought. Maybe you're flipping through them real quick.

Exactly.

But it's only one at a time.

Yes.

Um, that just makes, makes a lot of sense. I've never, never heard of it before, but yeah, um, it's crazy.

Yeah, it makes you realize that at the end of the day, it's like if you just switch your focus, well, that's what you're going to like feel. Like, I, I can think of something stressful right now and it's going to create stress within me. And then I just can stop thinking about it for whatever reason, and then I'll just not feel the same stress. Of course, like, I might still, like, have my heart beating if it was, like, very stressful, but then I'm not going to be thinking about that.

Yeah, that is mind-blowing, actually, because you'd think that you're multitasking or you're able to, but you're actually just flipping through them one at a time. It's still one at a time is the concept. Like, yes, your mind is complex and it can do a lot of things and it gets the most powerful thing ever created, but it's still one at a time.

Yeah, try, try, try to think two thoughts, uh, at the same time.

It doesn't— you flip them. You have to flip between them, like start one, finish one, then start the other. It's not, it's not at the same time.

Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, it doesn't work.

Yeah, you can't, you can't at all. So, so that's what happens with porn. It's like we get good at visualizing, and visualizing is you thinking, you're thinking of that one thought, you're thinking of that scene that's playing in your mind where it's like you're visualizing yourself as if you were having intimacy with that woman on the screen. Or maybe it's like you visualize intimacy with a specific woman whilst you watch porn, and it doesn't have anything to do with the video. Masturbation is like the perfect example of that. Masturbation without porn, people masturbate, it's not the physical, stimulation that feels as good. It's more like the thing that they're fantasizing about that then makes them, that then makes it feel good because it's like they're having intimacy in their mind. And again, we can bring the concept of your mind cannot tell the difference between imagination and reality. Sure, like, of course, like your mind, you're smart and you can say, okay, this is not true, this is true. But if you play something like in your mind, Well, you can make it feel real to the point where it's like you have a bodily response.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah.

So yeah, did you have any questions about that specifically?

No, it's just, it's just amazing to think of something very— the mind is always thought of as something very complex and it is complex, but that simple fact about the mind where it can only process one thought at a time simplifies what's complex.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I can also apply it to a lot of other things, not just the porn.

Productivity is a good one.

And that's sometimes what I— that's where I actually find the most peace. Like before we hopped on the call, I was just folding the clothes.

Okay.

And I literally was doing nothing but folding the clothes. Yeah. I didn't have music. I wasn't worried about the time or anything. I was just folding the clothes. Completely focused on it. And that also brings a lot of comfort to him, essentially.

Yeah, I mean, if you just set your mind to that and you focus on that. Yeah, yeah, people go for walks and it's not because I say, I mean, we say this like, it's not because someone goes for a walk and because they breathe like fresh air or they see trees that certainly like the stress, the stress disappears. It's just that they decide to let go of that and then focus on whatever is in front of them instead. Like, or maybe that's just— they're gonna start thinking about other things rather than the stressful work in front of them, for example.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.