Never Relapse When You Feel Depressed Again
Samir Gardner argues porn use is perceived medication for stress, not a biological need. Relief comes from redirecting attention away from difficult emotions, not from dopamine. He recommends confronting emotions directly and replacing avoidance with exercise, sleep, socializing, or purposeful work.
Chapters
You know how you watch porn or masturbate in moments when you feel down, when you feel lonely, when you feel kind of depressed, when you feel like life is not going your way, right? And you're just like emotionally feeling like bad, basically, right? Well, let me show you how to literally never quote unquote go back to porn when you feel that way. Okay. And this is very simple and anyone can do it. It's just that you gotta understand a few things, okay? And look, a lot of people think, first of all, okay, that like porn and masturbation is about biology, okay? And I just want to like break something down very quickly because this is going to help you like realize one thing, okay? We think it's about like biology. So what I mean by biology is we think that it's about, um, our natural kind of like instincts that drives us to go towards porn or masturbation, right? But now let me ask you this. Why is it that you don't, and maybe never, watch porn or masturbate when you feel happy? Like when you feel like genuinely happy, when you genuinely like feel good, when life is going your way and you just feel like, you know, for example, you just made some money in your job or in your business, or for example, that, you know, a certain woman talks to you and she's interested in being in a relationship with you, for example. Like when you feel like genuinely happy for whatever reasons, it's like the desire to watch porn or masturbate is just like you don't even think about it. Not only do you not feel it, you don't even think about it, right? But why is it that when we feel stressed out, when we feel down, when we feel like, you know, we're just lonely and bored and that life is not going our way, why is it that, that then porn and masturbation seems attractive? That then we actually have the desire to do it? The answer is pretty simple, okay? It's because it is not about your biology. It's really that simple. It is not about your biology. It's not about survival instincts or whatever instincts that you have as a human being. It's about you and your perception of porn and masturbation. So let me explain to you how does that work. And for some reasons, my pen is not really working today. And my board is not really erasing anything, but look, okay? We have a few things, okay, we gotta see. Most people, okay, and this is literally gonna be life-changing for you. Most people see porn, okay, as what, okay? As a Okay, let me change my pen. As a medication. Okay, now I want you to do one thing, okay, which is going to be very, very awful for you. I want you to accept that. I want you to accept that, like, you want to watch porn when you feel stressed out. I want you to accept that you want to watch porn when you feel down badly. I want you to accept that you want to watch porn when you feel lonely and boring, like, emotion— emotional pain and all of those things, right? When you feel anger, okay? I want you to accept that, okay? So people perceive porn as medication, or we can even say masturbation, right? So we can say just PMO in general. And the way they perceive it about, you know, as medication, the reason why is because we have different things that we need to tackle, okay? There's first, okay, and let me explain, okay? When people feel stressed, okay, Why is it that they think that porn and masturbation, now they kind of have like what we call an urge, right? The only reason, and this is very simple, the only reason is that you perceive porn to be something that will medicate that stress on a chemical level. Now let me explain to you one thing, okay? How is it that, how is it that like stress can be released by watching a video of two people having sex on a screen and stimulating yourself, right? We need to debug a few things right now because look, first of all, what is stress? Stress is literally you thinking, okay, this is the thing. Emotions are cognitive products, okay? So what does that mean? That means that, let me write this. Let me take away the blue pen, but they're cognitive products, okay? So what does that mean is that means that like they come from your mind first, okay? So for example, in order for me to feel a certain way, I need to think about something that will give me that emotion for me personally. So for example, if I think of eating healthy food, I'm gonna feel some type of way which might be positive. For example, I might feel happy, right? I might feel excited about it, but for someone else, he's going to feel disgusted. He's going to feel bad because his perception of healthy food is that it's boring and that it doesn't taste good and that, you know, it's not— it doesn't have much benefits, right? But for me, my perception of healthy food is like, I'm going to be able to look more attractive, I'm going to be able to be more healthy, I'm going to be able to perform in the gym, I'm going to be able to feel better every day, I'm going to be able to live longer. You see, that's my perception. The other guy, you Yeah, maybe he knows about those things, but he doesn't really care as much, or he doesn't even really believe about those things, right? So that's what happens, okay? It's a cognitive product. You think in your mind, right? So it is in your mind, and stress specifically is just a situation where it's like you think you're gonna lose something or that you're gonna get basically hurt, right? You're gonna get harmed. So you think of that, so you feel the stress so that it can help you in that situation to act, right? So that's what happens, okay? Here's the thing, okay? You're thinking about it so that you can feel it. So the mind, okay, mind only works with a single thought, meaning that you can only think of one thing at a time, okay? So what we can maybe tell from here is that if you can only think of one thing at a time, let's say you're thinking about that stressful situation, If you stop thinking about it, okay, guess what? The stress will be released. For example, let's say that we can just even take porn as an example. Let's say you feel very stressed out about something. Let's say, for example, someone rejected you, right? You go and watch porn. Well, okay, you're not thinking about the stressful situation anymore, that the person rejected you, So you're not feeling stressed. That's normal. I mean, you're doing something else. You're thinking about something else. You're thinking about you having sex with a woman or the porn scene you're seeing and you're fantasizing basically, right? And you're focusing on something else. So obviously you're not focused on the stressful situation. So boom, the stress is released. But guess what? That's what happens with anything else. For example, for me when I was stressed out, for example, I would go and meet friends and play basketball, for example. And look, guess what? Okay, the same thing with porn. Yeah, I didn't feel stressed out because I was focused on playing basketball. I was focused on enjoying it, whatever. But the moment where I was not playing basketball anymore, the moment where I was not watching porn anymore— for you, for example, like the moment that you're not watching porn anymore, that you finished, boom, the stress comes back. And sometimes it's harder because like now you're, you're you're in like an emotional state which is like lower. And so the stress will always be there, not in a physical sense, but in a sense that like if you choose to think about it, it will be there, right? So that's what happens. The situation that is quote unquote stressful is physically there, right? I mean, for example, she rejected you. Well, she rejected you, right? That happened. But the thing is, you're not really doing anything about it, right? You're just hiding behind it, if that makes sense, okay? And if you're hiding behind it, obviously, I mean, nothing's gonna happen. So that's what happens. You don't really stress because of, and this is the biggest lie that NoFap has been telling you, okay? That like, oh, porn is so attractive because of dopamine, right? Or what we can call chemicals. Like, it's none of that. It's literally none of that. Because look, okay, let me just give you a basic example. If someone walked up on you whilst you were trying to relieve stress by watching porn, you were actually feeling better and you felt like there was no stress anymore. Well, if he walked up on you, well, aren't you gonna feel stressed anymore? Like, aren't you gonna feel stressed that he just walked up on you? Obviously yes, because it doesn't release it on a chemical level. Same exact thing with drugs. It only releases it by you choosing to release it in the first place, by deciding to distract yourself. And that's what happens. People go for walks and they release stress, not because the walk produces certain chemicals, but because they mentally decide, you know what, I'm gonna let go of thinking about this stressful situation, I'm gonna do something else. Boom, it's your intention that matters here, okay? So that's what happens. And that happens with any emotions, any emotions you can think of, because there are cognitive products. If I feel very scared of something, let's say I just watched an horror movie, right? And I feel very scared. If I decide to engage in something else that will take away my mind, like meaning like I'll be distracted doing something else, for example, let's say I meet up with new friends, I'm gonna completely forget about that, right? For the moment I'm mentally engaged in something else, right? But the moment I'm not mentally engaged with something else, I might think about it again, right? So I'm gonna feel scared again, right? So that's what happens. And that's the problem people have is they literally see porn and masturbation as medication when all it does is, it's not even porn, masturbation really giving you some form of medication by distracting you. It's you deciding to let go and then blaming porn, masturbation for releasing your stress. So the problem we also have is that we literally inflate the value of porn and masturbation and orgasms by saying that porn and masturbation is literally releasing the stress. It's like you're literally giving benefits to someone. It's like, for example, imagine someone gave you $1 million, right? And then, okay, this is an example I actually made in my book, right? I said, look, imagine that one day you wake up and you see your friend bought you a $1 million house, right? And you feel like happy, you're like, wow, man, this is so great. I mean, thank you, man. Like, this is, this is like the best thing that you could have ever done for me. Well, you're gonna feel happy, right? Like, you're gonna be like, wow, this is amazing. I mean, this guy's so— like, you're gonna start talking with him more, you're gonna hang out with him more, you're gonna just like, you know, have a great time, you're gonna respect him more, whatever, right? It's like, you know, his value kind of like inflated in your, your perception, right? He's a better friend than you thought it was. Then a few weeks later, you see your bank account, you go on your bank account and you see your $1 million that was in your bank account actually got used. So you call your bank and you're like, what happened to my $1 million? I literally had $1 million and you're nervous and you're stressed out. And then she tells you, well, you bought a house. Then you realize, oh, so it's not my friend who bought the house. I was blaming him in a positive sense for buying the house and that, you know, I was giving him the credit. I was giving him like, you know, wow, he's such a good friend, right? And that he was so valuable. But now I realize he actually used my money, right? It was me who bought it basically. Well, what I'm trying to say here, okay, with this example, with this analogy, is that this is the same exact thing with porn. Porn is not doing that to you. Masturbation is not doing that to you. You are deciding to let go of the stress and deciding to mentally engage in a fantasy in order to hide from the stress, it's not porn, it's not the video itself. Because let's say you're very stressed out, right? And I tell you, look, watch homosexual porn. You're gonna be like, no, I'm not gonna fantasize over that. Boom, that's it. The stress is not gonna be released because you decide to not mentally fantasize over that. So that's what happens, okay? If you see it as a form of medication for your problems, then obviously you're gonna be motivated that's what people call urges, towards it. That's why you have urges when you feel down, okay? So that's what you need to tackle. Now, what's the solution, Samir, right? Like, okay, porn and masturbation doesn't give me that stress relief, doesn't give me that frustration relief, doesn't give me even the sexual relief, doesn't give me the emotional pain relief, doesn't give me the anger relief, doesn't give me, you know, the loneliness or boredom relief. So what happens actually? Because look, first, let's say boredom, for example. Boredom is just a pure frame of mind. Boredom is actually you thinking that it is a bad thing, right? That you don't have anything to do physically. For some other people, it's like a good thing, so they don't even care, right? And so same thing with loneliness. Well, loneliness physically is just like you're lonely, right? But mentally, for some people, it might mean, based on their perception of that loneliness, based on that perception of being alone, that, look, I don't have anyone around me, this is bad, right? And you feel bad emotionally or basically mentally. So that's what happens, okay? It's a pure frame of mind, right? It all starts in the mind and then it goes and you feel it in your body, right? Based on how you want it to be, right? Based on your perception. So that's what we gotta realize. So what's the solution, okay? The solution is very, very simple. The solution is that first you gotta realize, as we just explained, that like porn and masturbation and even orgasms cannot release those things, okay? And a lot of people will say, but look, Samir, like there's these studies on masturbation saying that like it actually releases stress, you know, based on these studies and that actually makes you feel better and everything. Cool, I'm not gonna say disagree, right? I'm not gonna say I agree either, okay? What I'm gonna say to you, okay, is that based on what we just explained about the stress relief, about even feeling good, right? Besides like the health benefits that they claim about masturbation, right? Let's keep that to the side. Stress relief, feeling better, whatever. You gotta realize that, and this is a problem with scientific studies, is that they often kind of neglect the mind. They often neglect like the philosophical side of things, right? So what I mean by that is that they literally don't, uh, really count into effect like the fact that we have our own mind, okay, and what we expect of something. So for example, if I expect that I'm gonna get a stress relief by masturbating because I've been masturbating for so long and that's what I expect every time I masturbate, and so I feel this— well, your expectation most of the time will dictate the results rather than the rule. Meaning that you'll literally, okay, this is what happens with so many placebos, your expectation of something will give you the results you're looking for, right? What you expect rather than what actually happens, right? The rule basically, well, this is what I mean by the rule. Like what literally will happen objectively no matter what. So no matter what, you'll get physical sensation from masturbation. But the stress relief is not as we explained, stress relief happens with you deciding to let go of that stress. It is in your mind, it is your own intention to let go of that stress, and it is you literally stopping to think about this situation that you think is stressful. So masturbation, well, let's say for example you were masturbating but you're still thinking about the stressful situation, well, obviously you're gonna still feel stressed out, right? So it's not on a chemical level, it's just that on these studies, like we just, live in a society, as I explained in my last video, like we live in a society where it's like, we all get told what to expect, right? And we all get told from a young age, like, okay, this is gonna give you that, this is not gonna give you that, right? For example, for drugs, right? We get told, don't do drugs because you're gonna be addicted. So if you do drugs, a lot of people get addicted, right? For example, right? Or for example, with masturbation, we get told that masturbation is self-care through advertisement, through the media, right? And the media nowadays is literally educating kids, right? So obviously I'm gonna expect that masturbation, it will somewhat give me some form of pleasure or stress relief, and I'm gonna practice that so many times because people start masturbating at a younger age, so that it becomes so reinforced in my mind that it's like, it's hard for me to see otherwise, right? Because it's like a skill. If you become so good at something, right, you become so good at expecting that you're gonna get a stress relief and pleasure from masturbation, Well, guess what? You're gonna become so good that you're gonna feel that every single time, right? So that's what happens. Just look at the first time you masturbate. For many people, for me, for example, it wasn't about, oh, I'm getting stress relief, this feels so good. It was just curiosity, shock, novelty. That's it. It wasn't anything. I'm not saying that it is like bad physically to masturbate, right, in terms of your health, whatever. I'm just saying that it doesn't provide all of those benefits if you don't expect them to provide them to you, okay? That's what you need to understand first, okay? Now what's the solution, Samir? Okay, now let me actually get to the solution. The solution is very simple. Now that you realize that porn masturbation cannot give you those stress relief, those benefits, right, of like feeling basically better when you feel down, so that means releasing the stress when you feel stressed out, releasing the anger when you feel anger, whatever, well, you gotta realize that first, okay, The human body— and I was reading Man's Search for Meaning, which is a great book— the human body will adapt to anything, okay? So what I mean by that, and this is, this is not the complete answer because there's another thing we're gonna, uh, talk about right here, okay? You can adapt to anything, okay? For example, in the concentration camps in Auschwitz, which, you know, they talked about in the book Man's Search for Meaning, which is a great book, which I highly recommend you read. They said that like they were literally starving to death, right? That they could barely sleep, right? That they could— that they thought they were going to die so many times that they just were contemplating suicide. They were getting so skinny, right? They were starving and they were in the hardest conditions you can think of at that time. Yet they adapted to it and found some form of happiness in those moments and Physically, it's not like your human body will literally, because you don't watch porn when you feel down, that it's gonna crumble to death, right? This is the first thing you gotta understand is that even if, for example, let's say, for example, let's say I drink coffee every single day for, and it's been like 10 years, right? I can stop drinking coffee tomorrow and physically, yeah, I might get some side effects, I don't know too much about the coffee studies, but like I might get some side effects, let's say, but it's not like I'm gonna die, if that makes sense, right? So you can adapt to anything. And also because we have a mind, and the mind literally, okay, is something that you cannot mess with in a sense that your mind is a consciousness, it's metaphysical. So nothing physically can really interrupt it. It cannot like break it apart, if that makes sense. So That's the thing, okay? I'm not saying like just toughen up, but I'm just saying that if you want to do something, right, let's say for example you want to stop watching porn, then definitely you'll always find the answers because the way humans are made is that we'll find the answer and we have like very good problem-solving capabilities within us in terms of our mind or consciousness, right? We can literally think, okay? This is what we're gonna understand. Animals cannot do that. Animals cannot just like create a currency and start spending money and create like paper money, for example, and create different coins, right? They cannot do that, right? They cannot create a business, for example. But humans, they can literally work for 50 years on a project, see no results, and then see some results after and feel satisfied during the whole journey, for example, right? Or be able to go through that, right? Because we have a developed consciousness, we can adapt to anything, right? If we put our mind to it, right? And it doesn't mean that it's gonna be easy or hard, it just means that it's based on what you want to do. So in that situation, trust me, you're gonna feel way better just not using it as a distraction. Because even then, okay, this is the second point, it is just a distraction, okay? So that means you can be distracted with anything else, okay? But then a third point which I want to explain is not distracting yourself can also be very powerful, okay? Because for example, um, let's say for example, recently I was very mad, uh, this is like a personal situation, so I cannot talk too much about it. I was like very mad at someone, right? And for something they did to someone I know. And then I was very mad, but instead of, usually I would like go and maybe scroll a bit of Instagram Reels or watch YouTube videos as like a distraction, or I would listen to a podcast while I'm working. So I'm like heavily distracted and I'm not thinking about the situation anymore. Well, look, instead, when you sit with that emotion, or when you sit with that problem basically, right, that you're thinking about in your mind, you'll always find the answers. This goes back to you adapt to anything. You'll always find the answers, right? Whether it be by asking God, whether it be just by you thinking about the situation, you're always gonna find a way to feel better about that, right? And this is what happens, right? We have, and this is just like cognitive dissonance basically, We can literally just think of a situation differently and we'll feel better, right? For example, if you gotta present for, let's say for example, right, that like you're gonna be, you want to be married to this woman, so you gotta meet her family, for example, right? Well, at first you might be like very nervous, gonna be like, man, this is bad, whatever, right? Like, what if I mess up? What if I do this? This is gonna be bad, man. I don't want this to happen, whatever, right? You're gonna feel nervous, right? But if you sit down, I'm not saying like for 5 hours, I'm saying like for a few minutes, for example, you sit down and you think, oh yeah, I mean, that's true, man. I'm gonna be nervous. This is gonna be hard, maybe physically, but, and then you start like kind of analyzing, but that also means that I'm gonna be able to be more confident because I'm gonna be able to do something which I find hard, which means I'm gonna grow a lot from this experience, right? Like, you know, and for example, I know that their parents maybe are gonna be open. And then you start like kind of like analyzing like how it can be used to your advantage, how it can basically be something that is not that bad, it is actually good for you. Now boom, that nervousness like lowers drastically because you realize that, you know, what your problem-solving capabilities in your mind that, you know, you can adapt, okay? So that's what happens, okay? But now it's like, look, another thing is you can just choose the distraction. If you wanna still be distracted, I highly suggest you actually like go and face life, right? Because that's how you feel better. Like genuinely, like when you actually sit down with a problem, whether it be a very bad problem, whether it be a good problem, whatever, you literally find a way to just like feel better about that, right? Instead of just feeling like dooming, gloomy, and just like negative about it, and that you feel stressed out. Because when you're distracting yourself, I mean, look, whether it be by porn, whether it be by you doing another sport, meeting with friends, whatever, even if it's like good distractions, Well, you're not really solving the problem, nor you're gonna feel better, and the problem is gonna always be there, right? So when the only way to like genuinely like solve either a problem or feel better about the problem and actually feel better than how you're feeling about the problem right now is by you just not distracting yourself and facing that, right? But now it's like, okay, look, distraction, and look, before I explain like what is a better distraction, I wanna explain to you one thing, okay? Is that when you don't distract yourself, there's huge power in that. The people that do distract themselves constantly, okay? And this is, I don't wanna throw any shots at anyone, but I've seen many people in their 30s and 40s, and I don't wanna repeat that example ever again, but I've seen many people who hide every time they have a problem, they distract themselves basically, right? Every single time. So what happens is that problem stays, right? And conflict that you delay becomes conflict that is multiplied. This is a quote I want you to remember: conflict delayed equals conflict multiplied. Meaning when you delay something, when you don't want to face something, it's just going to multiply. You're going to have more and more and more problems, okay? So when you don't— when you distract yourself constantly, constantly, you'll see people go like in their 20s to their 30s, and they're still in the same position physically, emotionally, spiritually, in every realm, because they don't learn from their lessons, nor do they learn from their problems, which can be like such a good learning opportunities, not just in terms of like for your future, in terms of achieving your goals, in terms of getting closer to God, but also just in terms of feeling better in that moment being and being able to adapt to a situation that will be even harder in the future than that you're gonna feel better, right, when you're gonna face that, right? And there's so many benefits in facing your problems. You're gonna be able to teach other people who face the same exact problems to face that problem. You're gonna be able, for example, to learn how to cope with any bigger problems in life in an easier manner. Like, literally, it is life-changing. So that's what you need to understand, because I see people in their 30s and 40s and they still hide from their problems the same way they were doing when they were teenagers, whether it be with video games, whether it be with would porn, would it be by, you know, constantly partying, whatever, right? And they feel miserable now, okay? I'm just saying, okay? Distraction, look, distraction, it's not like we're doing something to replace porn or masturbation because you cannot replace something which has no inner inner value, which has no objective value. So instead, I'm just saying like, if you wanna distract yourself, right, when you feel down, well, I mean, go and, you know, get closer to God. Go and do things that actually brings you a positive, uh, net value at the end of the day. Not just I watch porn, masturbate, and then boom, my time is gone, right? Like, there's literally no value. I'm not even saying like it is something that is like inherently bad. I'm just saying like there's no value in it, right? So you want to distract yourself, you can do anything. I mean, look, you can hang out with friends like I said. You can go and sleep literally, right? If you you feel stressed out, so you go take a nap. You can go and eat food. You can go and do so many other things which have a net positive, meaning like you can actually gain something from that. For example, sleep, you'll actually be relaxed. For example, eating, you could be actually eating healthy food which are gonna help you get more strong at the gym, for example, right? You could go to the gym, which means that you can actually feel better physically, mentally, whatever, right? You can be doing so many other things which It just means like you can pick a distraction or you can choose to just not distract yourself. At the end of the day, you're going to adapt to any situation which you decide to put yourself in. Okay, that's what I'm saying. So you don't need to worry because humans are very good at just motivating their own selves when they're in bad situations in order to get out of that bad situation to feel better, right? You're always driven to be more happy, to feel better. So anyways, you're always going to find the answer no matter what, especially if you don't distract yourself. So I hope that was helpful. I have a free school community down below. You can go and join that right now. I actually have a free 2-hour course, which I used to give to my students that they paid for. Now I made it for free and you can actually get access to that to learn how to quit porn masturbation, lust forever. And we're soon maybe gonna launch the book. We're still in the review process and we're gonna work on getting a, um, a voice actor to actually do I actually have like an older version, which is gonna be sick. And yeah, so if you wanna also be coached by me one-on-one, you can message me on Instagram and I'll get back to you. Anyways, Samir Gardner.
