What to Do the SECOND After You've RELAPSED into PORN
Samir Gardner argues that how you react to a porn relapse matters more than the relapse itself. Instead of shame spirals, he says treat it as a simple mistake, skip the rumination, and immediately move to something meaningful. A calm response breaks the cycle faster than catastrophic guilt.
Chapters
Okay guys, so I'm going to present to you how to deal with any relapses so that you can bounce back as quickly as possible and immediately feel confident that you'll actually quit for good. But more importantly, learn how to make this your last relapse and really learn how to bounce back from this so that you can quit forever. Because our goal is not for us to keep coming back at it after a few weeks or after a few months, to really quit for the rest of your life to the point where you barely have the desire for it and you kind of like forget about it and you just move on and you focus on living your life to your potential, building that family, having kids, building that business and career, and overall getting closer to God. So this is a video though that's only available for my students that I coach personally one-on-one. So I highly suggest that you really take down some notes because we're going to go in depth and really present to you a permanent solution so that you don't have to struggle with this this problem for the next few years. So take down some notes, concentrate, turn off all other devices and notifications, and let's dive in. All right guys, so I'm going to make this video on how to deal with coming back, which people oftentimes, or most oftentimes, refer to as relapsing. Okay, even me using the word dealing, I don't think is the right word to use, but I want to change how you go about it, right? And how you react to your own decisions essentially, okay? And obviously we'll talk about PMO here, okay? So let me ask you a question. If you want to quit a behavior, is it normal to go back to it after doing it for years? Even after detaining yourself that you never do it again, right? This is a question I want to ask you, not to say that you would, as cause and effect, you'll go back to a behavior no matter what when you try to quit it for the first time, that you can't quit cold turkey. That's not what I'm saying. You can quit forever first try, right? But I'm talking about like, would it be normal, okay, based on the past information, based on your past beliefs, right? And the things that you haven't even changed yet, for example, about yourself. And also you're not even convinced maybe of your decision fully. That you might decide to go back to beaver even if you told yourself maybe out of emotion sometimes that you'll never do it again, right? Really reflect on this, okay? The real problem, okay, is, you know, if you really look at it and how like people kind of get hooked on the idea of NoFap and then make it part of their identity or like the starting point at least is they watch one of these NoFap videos, right? And then in those NoFap videos, they say essentially, look, if you can't quit porn for more than 7 days, it shows that you fail and that you have an addiction. And so what happens is people sometimes try with No Nut November, for example, and they see, oh, like after 2 days I want to come back. And yeah, let me interpret this as an addiction because that's what experts say. And then they look at the science and then boom, it starts being like this worry, this like, okay, do I have like a real psychological problem, right? Like almost a, you know, maybe even a physiological one in my brain. Then they see the brain scan pictures and things of that nature. And then they start taking the matter of porn not as a decision, but as something that needs to be treated as soon as possible, or something that they'll need to use a lot of like their, you know, willpower, their energy to really tackle and really make sure that they get rid of this. And they also see this, you know, because of NoFap as an achievement, something that they can, you know, have success on, right? And so they really, really, really don't want to come I don't want to come back to it because there's also this belief that if you come back to it, well, you'll just become more addicted, right? As you guys probably know, right? If you do it, you'll satisfy the withdrawals maybe, or maybe there's gonna be this dopamine and then you start binging. Like there's all of these theories that we need to be careful of, okay? So let's just like challenge this for a second, okay? On your first decision to leave a bad behavior behind, do you completely cut it out right away or does it take some time to naturally move on from it? Bad behavior, insert whatever bad behavior you want. For example, video games. Video games was, I've given this example now countless times where it's like, okay, if you play video games all of your life, and this happened to me, I played video games all of my life and then I decided to leave it behind. Well, what happened is I basically, after a few weeks, after a few days, I went back to it multiple times. And then I moved on after, some time. So again, the question is, okay, if you play video games for the last 5 years and then suddenly you say, I'm going to cut off video games, would it, like in most cases, would you just literally never come back to video games even once, right? Right after you quit, or would you be completely clean and have a 5-year streak, right? This is the question I want to ask you. And by coming back, I don't mean in the long term, I mean coming back, a few weeks or a few months after deciding to completely cut it or drastically reduce it. Okay. Junk food, big one. Like you're telling me if you eat junk food all of your life for years, right? And that's like the only food that you learn to like almost, and that you dislike the healthy food. And then you say, you read a book on how like eating healthy, which changes your perspective. You're telling me that, you know, even in that case, you would just start eating junk food. You would start just cutting out completely and abstaining completely from junk food 100%, without cheating there and there. And again, it's not to say that it's impossible. I know people and I've experienced this myself for years. I never ever even thought about eating junk food. And if I was eating something that was junk food, I would make a homemade version of it. I would make homemade hamburgers that were made with natural ingredients, which would be just as healthy as any other food. And it's like, yeah, you can get to that level of conviction that this is the right decision. But it's like in the beginning, do you have that conviction? Do you really just completely stop it after years? And it's not to say that you should kind of put this limitation on yourself where it's like, oh, let me wait until, like Samir Gardner said that, it's gonna take a bit of time. Let me wait until I quit this behavior because it's going to take a bit of time. It's like, no, you have your intentions to quit it and then you naturally move on, right? You don't put so much emphasis on it, right? And whenever you come back to it, you don't interpret it as, oh my God, this is ruining my life. Oh my God, I just ate a McDonald's. It happened to me where I literally made, I remember I was like, I'm never going to eat junk food again. And then the day after my parents brought some McDonald's And so I was like, I don't want to eat it, but I was like, you know what, I'll just do it because out of appreciation, I guess. And I did it. It was like a McFish, like the healthiest thing on the McDonald's menu. But it was like, oh yeah, but I'm not eating this. And then I didn't want to eat this anymore. I did eat it that day and then I just moved on. I don't want to eat junk food now. Obviously now I have a different regimen, but for years I didn't even eat a single piece of junk food. I was so, so focused on diet. Or Netflix binging. So you're telling me you're watching all of these series, all of these maybe animes, all of these movies, and then suddenly you've been doing this for all of your life and then suddenly you cut it off and you're just going to be clean as they say. It's like, yes, that can be the case. 1,000%. Let's say for example, I've seen people that they have they get told that their wife might be pregnant and then they cut off so many bad things from their lives because they're like, I need to focus on that so I can be the best father, for example, right? So yes, there are occasions like this. Or for example, a toxic friend, very good example where it's like, okay, I have this toxic friend that you were hanging out with pretty much for all of your life. And then you realize it's toxic and that maybe you shouldn't really play with that person's emotion, be around them. But it's like you still are around him, if that makes sense. You might be in his environment, maybe at work, things of that nature. And so it's like, sure, you want to cut him off and you do start drastically reducing your interactions with that individual. But then it's like you might still sometimes talk to him and have fun with him. But then it's like with time and, or maybe with your environment or whatever happens and whatever you decide to do, Maybe at one point you're just going to completely cut him off. And sure, that process of cutting that person off completely, which will be the equivalent of abstaining completely from any other behavior, might take, for example, for one guy, a week, for another guy, it might take 6 months. Now, it's not to say that it's random, it's just based on your decisions, your intentions, and what you decide to do in terms of actions. Obviously, there's the basic of the beliefs and perceptions, if you see a lot of reasons to be with that friend, for example, then it's going to be harder than if you start seeing little to no reason. And then if you had a better option, like a better group of friends that would really fulfill those needs for friendship and connection, then it's like, it will be easier. And then you'll move on maybe faster. But then again, it depends on so many variables and factors that the time might change. Now, again, it's not like people get this wrong where it's like, Oh yeah, I need to wait until I have this specific thing happen. Let's say, for example, I need to wait until I can meet my emotional needs that I have, that that friend was giving me until I, for example, I need to wait until I find another friend group that will meet those emotional needs that this toxic friend was fulfilling for me in that sense. But that doesn't have to be the case that you need to wait until something else is going to really change that, but it's going to help obviously. But for example, for me, I had toxic friends, people that bullied me, people that made fun of me. And I wanted to start, at that time I had a YouTube channel, I would like a self-improvement YouTube channel and had a clothing brand. And I wanted to really become someone that was going to be successful in those projects. And then I knew that with the current friends I had, they would just, make it worse and it would kind of like drag me down to the past version of myself. So I could never really express myself or improve myself to the fullest. So I decided to cut them off, but I had no other friends. If you understand, I had to stay lonely, which was painful and was objectively bad. And I really crave relationships, but I didn't wanna come back to them, right? So it shows like, again, like there is, you know, a certain thing of like, okay, you don't need to wait for the perfect conditions, but then conditions can help you if that makes sense, okay? So a recession is, it's not that a behavior can't be completely cut from the start. Like I said, it can, okay? But we naturally desire time to adapt to a life without it, right? So going through some learning experience often makes the transition easier, right? Please don't go to the extreme on either the left or the right when it comes to this, where it's like, oh yeah, I need to wait until I have the best, you know, until I'm fully adapted to this new life without that thing. Or let me wait, whatever. You can't say, you know what, I'm going to, it's either going to take years or it's going to take a week, right? You need to kind of just basically understand that this is something which you can change with your own intentions. And it's not impossible to move on from a behavior. It's actually effortless if you want it to be, right? But then it's like most people, the problem that they have is, Whenever they do decide to come back to that behavior, despite telling themselves that they're completely abstained from that, they interpret it the wrong way. They think, oh, look, this shows that something is not working with me. And therefore, maybe I'm going to still have this problem and continue on and on and on for years. But then they live in fear. Then it kind of hijacks their ability to think rationally and to make rational decisions, essentially. So you don't have to worry, okay? Humans naturally adapt when they have to, okay? This means if you reduce or eliminate PMO, you'll find a way to live comfortably without it, okay? Of course, at the start, you might feel uncomfortable. You might desire to do it again and you might do it again, but that doesn't necessarily make it harder to quit. It's simply part of the natural process of leaving such behaviors behind, okay? Now, the reaction problem, like I said, it's like your interpretation of the decision you make to PMO will change everything, both in the short term, how your next few days will go, and in the long term, whether you'll move on from PMO for good or not. Now, of course, it's not because you had previous bad reactions or previous good reactions that it's going to change everything, if that makes sense, when it comes to quitting long-term. But the current way that you're going to go about things obviously is going to affect the, you can say, result, meaning how you're going to abstain or not in the long-term and how you're going to progress in your life in general. right? But again, if you decide to change it down the line, then you can also basically be free, right? So someone who ruminates, right, feels immediately pessimistic and starts losing hope will have a much harder time. We can just look at studies. For example, there was a study done on, you know, SATs is basically like a test that the students take before the school year to see like how would they, you know, do in class, if that makes sense. Okay. And they saw that those that had not as good grades, right? But that had hope and optimism ended up having better grades than those that had a good score, good grades on the SAT, right? The test that they took to see how good they would do for the school year. Well, they had, those that had better grades on that score, right? That would predict essentially their grades had worse grades because of them being pessimistic and, really just overall not having hope, okay? So again, you see just having hope and optimism is just like two very simple basic mindset, you can say, concept that most people don't even have. And most people, they're kind of like, oh yeah, if I PMO once, now they start feeling pessimistic. They think in the future I'm going to do it again. And then they start losing hope thinking that they're not even able to maybe control themselves because they maybe they will do it again in the future, whatever. So the ideal reaction, this is how I think people should go about it, is if you PMO and you recognize that it was the wrong decision, treat it like any other mistakes you've made. It's not also because you repeated that mistake that necessarily it makes you a bad person. So for example, or like someone that has a problem, okay? Because let's say, for example, I have a friend, okay? And that friend is toxic and he makes fun of me and he doesn't even like me. He's just there to laugh at me, whatever, right? And so if I hang out with that friend, right? And it's been years and then suddenly I say, you know what? I'm gonna cut off that friend. And then I cut him off. And then, you know, a week later I see him and I'm like, oh yeah, let me talk to him. And he's cool, whatever. And then realize again, he laughs at you, right? It's like, okay, well let me cut him off. And then what happens is again, that same, a week later or two weeks later, the same thing happens. It's like in those situations where I'm pretty sure, right? In most cases, if the individual wants to move his life forward and you really improve his life and has a sense of confidence where he can live and make new friends, for example, that that individual, despite making that mistake of going back to that same friend that basically wastes his time and makes fun of him, right? I am pretty sure, okay, that that person doesn't interpret that decision of, or that mistake of talking to that toxic friend again and again as him having a problem or as him or as this as like, or sorry, interprets this as a prediction that he's going to go and talk to that friend again and get bullied again, right? So many times in my life where, for example, I had a group of friends that kind of like, they were nice, but I didn't wanna hang out with them anymore because they would sometimes make jokes that would go against my values and my morals. And they wouldn't have the same lifestyles and values to some extent where they were not like degenerate, but like they were just like wanted to play sports all day long whilst I was someone that wanted to work on projects, right? And they wanted to play card games, whatever, right? It wasn't really aligned with what I wanted to do. But at the same time I was like, this is still good to a certain extent because they're not doing degenerate stuff and we're actually playing real sports and playing real card games and really socializing. But it's like, I was like, okay, but I don't need to hang out with them anymore because Like I said, they insulted some of my morals and values and things of that nature, right? Not to go get too personal, but then it's like, I remember it was almost a year I didn't see them. And then I said, you know what, I'm going to meet them again. And so I met them again like 2 to 3 times because I realized, yeah, let's hang out with them. Let's make friends with them. And then I hanged out with them 2 to 3 times and each time it was like, ah, I kind of regret doing this. I should have instead, not went essentially. Maybe you think I'm a bit extreme when it comes to social interactions. It's just like I didn't really like hanging out with these people. And then what happened is now I just moved on essentially. And what I'm trying to say is I didn't interpret my decision to go back to these friends as like, oh no, there's something wrong with me. Again, it's not like I'm losing control and then suddenly I'm going to hang out with these friends. I just took ownership. I acknowledged that it was my choice, but I didn't shame myself for that. People shame themselves excessively, not because of the religion, but because of the idea that they'll lose their worth and that they'll lose essentially their sense of confidence and so many things. This is where the shame comes from. If you're religious, you can just repent, but understand that it doesn't have to affect the rest of your day, your week, or your life. You simply continue on with your day as if nothing significant happened, right? And this is one of the biggest problems within the NoFap space is the people that decide to watch porn, right? Compared to the people that do decide to watch porn but that are not in the NoFap space, right? They have totally different reactions when it comes to their decision to watch porn, right? One thinks, oh my God, I've just ruined my life. I just wasted my life energy. I'm not going to have any energy for the next few days. I'm not gonna have any motivation to work on myself and do hard things. I'm not gonna go to the gym because I just wasted all of my energy. It's going to be too hard. I'm not gonna be able to focus. I'm not going to be able to be confident and talk to people around me and socialize or talk to the opposite sex. I'm not going to be able to do this, this, this, this, right? And so on. Once you have the other guy who's like, he watches porn for pleasure or whatever, right? Or sexual relief maybe in his mind. Or most of the time it's just pleasure, right? And just like entertainment for most of them or maybe escapes and so on, right? And so they do it and they're like, okay, yeah, that felt good. Maybe, right? Maybe I'm not gonna argue that they go and do less work and maybe they feel a bit less motivated because they're just doing all of these things that are pleasurable to them. And maybe there's nothing else that's as pleasurable, but then they just move on and do whatever they have to do, right? They don't blame porn for their lack of, you know, if let's say for example, they have to do something, for example, they have to complete a schoolwork, they're not gonna be like, oh yeah, because of porn, I can't do this. Instead, they're gonna be like, you know, maybe porn is going to have somewhat of an effect on them. I'm not going to deny. So, you know, it depends on the individual, but then that effect is really minimized because they don't think with their mind, oh my God, this effect is much bigger than I think, right? If that makes sense, right? Where they kind of like fuel the small effect that porn has on them, makes it worse, right? Because issue, okay, people often have an intense fear that their decision to PMO means they'll return to do it again in the future. This fear usually comes from the NoFap mindset. They made a promise to never do it again. And once they break it, they believe it proves that they'll fail again, right? This is the thing, right? This is the main fear. It's like people PMO and they're like, oh my God, it's been 3 months I haven't PMO'd. That means I'll probably do it again. That means I'll never quit. That means, you know, always be someone that watches porn once in a while. And then what happens is just, you know, one of the reasons why people stay stuck with the same behavior all of their life is because now they start worrying about it so much that it starts being in the back of their mind, right? And then they think that they'll do it again and again. And so they always try to find ways or solutions to fix that. But then it's like, because they're always trying to find solutions and ways to fix that, it makes it harder on them because then they can't really move on because now their life becomes more focused on that, right? It's kind of like, imagine, okay, this is more of an extreme scenario, but imagine, okay, that you have goals in your life, right? You want to become a successful businessman. You want to be in the best shape, you know, you want to be in the best shape essentially. You want to have, you know, a family and kids in the future. And then it's like you have all of these goals, but then suddenly you get diagnosed with, you know, let's say, let's take a good one. Like let's say you get diagnosed with, you know, schizophrenia, right? And so you get diagnosed with schizophrenia and then, you know, suddenly it's like now your life is focused on fixing that problem? Do you see where I'm going with this? Where it's like now you go to maybe psychiatry, you're in these places where there's these psychiatrists that are just asking you questions and then they give you sometimes medication. And then it's like you start being maybe even worried about you having this problem and then seeing the symptoms of it. And then you kind of have your whole life revolving around fixing that problem, essentially. Well, it's kind of like the same thing with PMO. It's like if you start, obviously it's not going to be the same extent as like the schizofrenic person, but it's like once you have like your whole life revolving around, am I quitting porn or am I quitting masturbation? Oh no, this is not working. Oh no, I need to find a better solution. Oh no, oh no. Like, you know, it becomes something which then, you know, blocks your ability, like I said in previous videos, to go and, you know, experience life, to go and, for example, for the guy in psychiatry, that has schizophrenia now, he's not thinking about like, oh yeah, let me build a family and have kids, right? Maybe he's thinking about it, but it's like he believes in the back of his mind that as long as he has this problem, maybe that it's going to be hard for him. I'm not saying that all schizophrenic person are like that, but I'm just saying that it can become a problem as you can see, right? Oh, getting the best shape of my life. Well, you know, I need to fix this problem first, right? Oh, you know, becoming a successful businessman. How would I do that with schizophrenia? I need to fix that problem, right? I need to focus on that. And so there's much more mental capacity, energy, you know, put on schizophrenia rather than like actually, you know, living his life to the fullest, right? And so we do the same mistake with PMO. Now, for schizophrenia, that's a different thing, right? Because you can argue that there's pathology, meaning that there's, you know, actual, like, it's like a disease-like condition. So I'm not going to go too much in depth into that. But the solution, okay, oftentimes the promise you make to never PMO again comes from acting on strong emotions right after doing it, right? Like you're like, oh, I just PMO. You regret, you're like, man, I should have not, I just basically should have not done that. Like I just wasted energy and I'm not getting anything out of that. Okay, maybe I'm relieved, but then I don't even like being relieved because I'd rather add that sexual desire where it's like I'm more willing to do the work and do things of that nature. So it's like you kind of like start being emotional. You're like, man, why did I do this, man? I feel shame and guilt. And so as you try to remove that shame and guilt, one of the things that people do to kind of like, you know, deal with that shame and guilt is simply say, you know what, I'm never going to do it again. Because then that gives them like this hope of, okay, or like this hope that then makes them feel better in the moment because they're like, okay, I'm not going to do it again in the future. right? They tell themselves that, right? That they make this hard promise, which instantly makes them feel better. It's like saying, you know what, I'm going to eat healthy from now on. I'm never going to eat junk food. It's like you get this dopamine flood of anticipation of like, okay, I'm never going to do this again. This is going to be nice. I'm going to get so many results in my life, right? And so you immediately feel better, but then it's like that decision that you made, this hard decision, the moment you break it, you feel worse, right? And then you do the same cycle on and on and on, right? Instead, right, just keep your intention to quit forever. Just like you have the intention to eat healthy and you're like, yeah, I really wanna eat healthy, but you're not like, I'm never going to eat a brownie ever again. I'm never going to eat ice cream ever again. It's like you don't keep those very strong promises except if it's really needed. But then even then, right, it doesn't really make sense because if you make it a strong promise, and again, it's going to be in the back of your mind, it's going to make it harder to quit. So, even the slightest desire, because if you have like a hard promise, right, a rigid promise, even the slightest desire can create fear where you're like, oh no, am I going to go back to it? Because you're going to feel like you're going to break that hard commitment essentially. And misconception is, I'm not saying you're weak or that you'll eventually go back to PMO. What I mean is that you should detach your emotions and self-worth from your decision to abstain. Doing this will naturally help you quit for good as you start forgetting about the problem and naturally move on to better things, just like we do with any other behaviors we outgrow, right? It's really what we do essentially, okay? Now there's a belief worth discussing, okay? And that belief is if I do it now, the dopamine rush and withdrawals will make the desire come back even stronger and I might end up binging over the next few days because of it, right? And so the counterargument to this is, you know, someone who binges often does so after abstaining while still strongly desiring PMO. right? This might create a feeling of deprivation. You really desire something, but you abstain, which can lead them to do it even more because they know that they'll try to abstain again right after, right? You know, there's also like the NoFap streak mindset where it's like, well, I'm on day 0 now, so I might as well enjoy it for the rest of the day or the next few days because like I'm just at the start of that streak, right? You know, it's not like I'm on day 90. Let me, you know, I'm just like at the start, so let me just do it as much as possible now and enjoy it. And oftentimes it's like, if we kind of like already experienced the shame and guilt for that day, it's like if we do it again, then we get to experience the pleasure again in our mind. And we don't have the same shame and guilt that would come with like one singular decision to come back, if that makes sense, right? In the future at least, right? So yeah, and we're like, oh yeah, let me just do it one more time because then I'll really quit for good, okay? So this is the thing. Another belief worth dismissing is PMO will completely destroy my worth, confidence, and attractiveness to women. If anyone were to find out, I'd feel like an hypocrite or someone weak. So I start believing I need to wait a certain number of days without PMO before I can feel confident, worthy, and attractive again, okay? So my response to this, the counterargument, is blaming PMO is the main reason why you're not confident, worthy, or attractive to women It's like blaming your inability to bench 3 plates, so 315 pounds, which is very heavy, which not many people can do, I'd argue, right? And people that go to the gym even, right? For the same thing, right? It's like in both cases, being free from PMO or being able to lift that weight would only serve as a very strong bonus, right? I'll argue like if you can bench like that amount of weight, that means you're very strong and physically you're gonna be more attractive. Physically you're gonna be, stronger, you're going to be more mentally resilient, things of that nature. Then with PMO, it's kind of like the same thing, but obviously there's also the religious perspective where it's like, you know, you're more pure, you're also not like, you know, fully focused on lust and, you know, you're more focused on other aspects of life. It's like a very strong bonus. And obviously I'm not saying that, you know, it is not objectively or morally important, they are obviously. But again, like if we really think in terms of confidence, worthiness, and attractiveness, they don't really, they're not like dependent on you being free from PMO or you being able to lift that amount of weight, right? People can be confident, attractive, and worthy without those things, okay? That's very clear, okay? What truly matters is what you do with your life if you really think about it, not just how long you abstain, okay? This is another thing because a lot of people, they kind of like put everything on PMO. Did I quit PMO? Oh, it's been day 30, now I can feel confident. Now I can feel accomplished, now I can be attracted to women, now I can feel worthy, right? And it's like you just give yourself the permission essentially because other people still PMO and have those things. They feel confident, they feel worthy, and feel attracted to women, right? And many people will already feel confident, right? Like I said, some of them end up in relationships while still PMOing right before, right? Some even continue right up until they get a partner, like I said. Thinking it's no big deal and that they'll just like leave it, that they'll just leave PMO behind once they're in a relationship, right? They don't think, how many days have I been free from porn? Instead, they might focus on more important areas of their lives. Maybe they just think that, you know, porn is something normal and that everyone does it. So, you know, it doesn't have that much of an impact. And so they just focus on like, for example, you know, their social skills, their career, their fitness, whatever is important to them. And that's what's going to maybe help them get into a relationship objectively, right? Okay, not just like the design. And again, I'm saying like the decision to quit porn is obviously an important one, is something that is going to really help you in many areas of life. But it's like you cannot just put that as the main focus in that as like the dependent factor, if that makes sense. Let's compare reactions. Okay, so let's just take two different scenarios. Okay, so let's say that you take the reaction of, you know, this is ruining my life, you know, the typical NoFap reaction, which is, okay, like, you know, I just PMO'd, now it's going to ruin my life essentially. And, you know, I'm going to be more of an addict and I just fuel more of this addiction, this dopamine, and now it's going to essentially, you know, kill my potential in life and things of that nature, right? So, you know, the byproduct of that, essentially, of that reaction is you become lazy, depressed, miserable sometimes, you have no energy, you feel hopeless, you get nothing done because you're like, I can't get anything done under that state. And you start self-destructing to escape reality. Maybe you go and binge on other social media, like social media stuff, right? Maybe you binge on porn itself. Maybe you go and try to watch a video on how to get back your life together after relapsing. And then you kind of like just have overall like a pessimistic and like a very negative reaction to your decision to PMO again, right? And then if we look at the long-term results is, you know, because of that one decision, right? You now always have a fear of coming back, right? You're scared of PMO, of triggers. You're like, you know, what if I come back to it again? You know, you think, you know, I should be wary of this again, right? And PMO is always in the back of your mind. No, have I quit? Have I not quit? No, when would I be free? This is a problem that's been going on for years. It's ruining my potential. I can't do much about it. And essentially it kind of like limits, to sum it up, your ability to move on from this behavior forever in the first place, just because of your action of like being, this is ruining my life. This is something bad. And you start ruminating on this. Now, if we compare that to someone that, When he does decide to PMO, he kind of like brushes it off and he just like continues on with his day. What happens is he actually gets back to his day, meaning that he's productive with whatever that he has to do, right? He does his normal routine as always, right? He doesn't escape to other outlets. And instead, maybe even he reflects on his decision and really makes those mental conclusions that, oh yeah, maybe this behavior isn't as pleasurable as I thought, rather than making an emotional conclusion, he then makes a rational conclusion instead. So then he can think more clearly about the behavior in the first place. And he doesn't escape to other outlets, meaning he doesn't self-destruct and just escape. And instead just continues on as, yeah, maybe he wasted 15, 30 minutes, 5:00 PM morning, but then it's like, he doesn't think it's too big of a deal. And then he repents if he's religious, obviously. And then you just move on, move on. He moves on with his day. You know, he doesn't think, oh no, like I would have someone to meet, you know, later today. They will find out that I just PMO'd, so I'm going to, you know, isolate myself or cancel the meeting. Instead, he takes on the meeting, meaning that he's probably going to make progress in his life because he's going to take on the meeting compared to the guy that doesn't take on the meeting, doesn't take on the work and delays it and then doesn't make as much progress, right? And then if that's repeated on a long enough time horizon, we can clearly see the positive and negative impacts on both individuals, right? And we can clearly see, as we saw, for example, the sexual transmutation video, that someone that repeats this reaction or someone that really just is consistently, you know, for example, in that scenario, consistently moves on with his day and stays consistent compared to someone that doesn't, Well, it's like you're comparing, let's say, over, let's say, 1,000 decisions to watch porn. You're comparing 1,000 improvements, meaning that this guy's going to make 1,000 different improvements, right? And he's going to improve. And 1,000 improvements is a ton, right? Meaning that it's going to be, let's say, imagine you have like 1,000 productive days compared to zero productive days, right? Like that's the gap between the two reactions, if that makes sense. Such a better life in that sense, right? And you make much more progress in your life when you decide to react in a positive way to your decision to PMO. By positive, I don't mean you're so happy about it. You just kind of brush it off and you move on, right? And then the long-term results is, you know, you realize, okay, well, PMO has no power over me. It's just a decision I decided to make. You're kind of like at peace with that. And that allows you to really rationalize and make rational decisions when it comes to deciding to watch porn or not in the future, rather than an emotional one where you're like, "Oh no, I shouldn't do it because of shame." Instead, you have much more details and you're not using emotions to dictate what you're going to do. So that means you get better results in your life as a whole, not just when it comes to your decision to PMO or not, right? And then you start forgetting about it, right? And that's one of the things because you kind of brush it off and it's not like something you constantly think about, oh my God, why have I done this? You kind of like forget about it. Yeah, you've done it, but it's like, just like you, for example, okay, just like sometimes we do certain habits, right? That we don't want to do. And we kind of like say, you know what? Yeah, I've done it, but then you start forgetting about it, right? So for example, that might be, okay, you eat that ice cream today, right? That you know you should have not ate because it's going to ruin your fitness progress, right? Your progress at the gym. Or you're like, okay, I've done this, this was a bad decision, but then you don't ruminate on it. And because of that, you kind of like don't put that much importance into it. And then maybe you move on and you kind of like forget about how ice cream tasted in the first place, if you see what I mean. So if you start forgetting about PMO, that means you also forget about how PMO even felt. This is the thing that's going to happen to you. When you haven't done it in such a long time, it's like you forget about like, how does it even feel in the first place? Yeah, you might have some ideas, but it's like you forget how pleasurable you thought it used to be, if that makes sense. Forget like, you know, why would I even do it, right? Like it's like there's no rational reasons to do it anymore because kind of like forget about all of these things, right? You're not so focused on that. And one of the best things is you focus on your ideas and try new things. And then maybe your life gets better. Like I always say to people, okay, if you, for example, were to get a kid tomorrow, would you stop watching porn? A lot of people would say yes. And the extreme version of that is the most common question I ask is like, okay, if I gave you $1 million, would you move on from porn? It's like, yes. So it's like if you find new things and things that are better and then things that might fulfill you, it's like, you know, it makes the process of just giving up behavior much easier, if that makes sense, and much more effortless. So the conclusion is the less you obsess over quitting PMO, the more mental energy you free up to focus on other areas of life. This mindset helps you see things more rationally and encourages you to try new experiences. As you explore and grow, whether it's through fitness, social life, or new skill, anything, right? You naturally start realizing that life is far more fulfilling without PMO. It becomes like someone who replaces video games with martial arts. What he once sought in games like competition, achievement, excitement, in our experiences in real life in a much deeper and more meaningful way. This is the perfect example, right? And so that's how you can really move on from behaviors. Stop really putting that importance and having that negative ruminating approach to your decision to go back and really interpret it differently and realize that at the end of the day, you're going to be able to quit. If you stop reacting this way, if that makes sense. Okay. On the other end, right? Constantly fearing PMO or its effect can trap you in overthinking. When you focus too much on not doing it, you block yourself from new opportunities that could bring true fulfillment, right? Think about like, you know, if I were to focus on, oh yeah, let me not play video games. Oh yeah. Let me focus on that. Let me watch a video on how to stop playing video games. Let me, oh no, I relapsed to video games, right? It's like, maybe I would not even find about martial arts, if that makes sense, in that example. I would not find about that sport that could bring the same things, but 10 times more, if that makes sense, in terms of achievement, excitement, competition. So you may develop limiting beliefs like, "I PMO'd last week, so I'm not confident enough to try this." That happens to a lot of people where it's like they believe, "Oh yeah, I'm not going to go to the cinema with my friends tonight because I PMO'd." And then it's like they just limit themselves And it's like, even if let's say, for example, they were to PMO and then go to the cinema, right? It's like, I would argue that they would move on better because maybe they'll go to the cinema and have fun and then build new friendships. And then those friendships will be like, oh, I used to be lonely and PMO because of that. Now I have friends. And it's like, I realized having friends or just try to socialize with people is much better if I'm lonely to do it. If that makes sense. You see? Where I'm coming from with this, which leads in that sense, right? If I PMO'd last week, so I'm not confident enough to try this, it will lead to isolation, avoidance, and distraction. And this keeps you stuck, which can prevent real progress and self-discovery, okay? So guys, it is really that easy to understand, right? Really make sure that you interpret your decision to PMO differently. And I'll see you in the next video.
