Live Coaching: "Consistency That Works"

Hello villagers, it's Tracey with you again this week, and it's been really nice to see some of the interactions in the WhatsApp group this week. It's lovely to feel that support from others, and, um, I also did a couple of recordings for specific— specifically for Neitz and also for Diana, um, just responding more specifically to the questions that they asked. But any sort of input you want to put into the village by all means do it because we're all in this together. And I'm not the expert, remember that. I'm just here helping to bring light to some of these topics. Okay, so the topic this week is Consistency That Works. Stop. And you know, we often feel like we can be nagging and repeating ourselves, and we think that the more we say it, the more cooperative our children are going to be. But it's actually the opposite. The more we can actually be reinforcing the very patterns that we're struggling with. And by the way, this can be really, really triggering for us as parents. So let's look at consistency that works, okay? When I started thinking about this topic and writing about it, I went back to a memory of my little Jacob, you know, who just— I'll tell you, if any of my children made me a better parent, it was him, because boy, he could press my buttons. And it was, um, he could really dig his heels in and get very, very stubborn. But I was part of the problem. And I have these memories of me saying, Jacob, get your shoes on! Jacob, get your shoes on! Jacob, get your shoes on! Jacob, get your shoes on! And then hopping in the car and being at the school, looking back, and Jacob's shoes weren't on. God, drive you nuts. Okay, so this nagging, yelling, repeating yourself, and getting more frustrated is the system that they ignore. It's what becomes the pattern. Okay, now young kids don't ignore you because they're rude or being difficult or whatever. They ignore you because their brain is doing exactly what it's meant to do, which is scanning for patterns. And so they're working out how the world works. So if I do this, Mum or Dad does this. If I do that, if I do something different, they do this. And they're continually trying to sort of make sense of the patterns. So if the pattern is request, request, request, and then it escalates, your child learns that they don't actually need to respond to the first one because they can wait for the fourth one. Okay, they see that it repeats. So it— what it does is it trains them to delay their responses. The more you repeat, the more the tone changes. You start calm, you get annoyed, then sharper, and suddenly the real message isn't 'put your shoes on.' The real message is 'I'm in trouble,' which can then spark that defense system within their little nervous system, which is freeze. So they just don't do anything. Fight, they resist you. Flight, they take off and do the exact opposite. Okay, they're all defense mechanisms. And so the more you go into that more elevated state, the more they're going— their little bodies don't know how to respond. Okay, so how do we break that pattern? Let's look at what consistency actually is. Consistency isn't so much I've got to do the same thing every time, because that's impossible. We can't. We're human. Life is messy. Consistency is actually a bit simpler than that. It means that your child can predict what happens next, not because you're harsh, but because you're clear. Okay, it's clarity. Consistency isn't loud. It's not long explanations. Consistency is calm follow-through. So let's look at 3 simple shifts that'll stop the repeating. Okay, the first one is fewer words. One of the biggest mistakes we can make is we try to explain things to kids, particularly if they're in an elevated state. I mean, God, we can't even do that as adults. If your partner's in an elevated state and you're trying to really rationalize them and be really clear about you know, giving them an understanding of what's going on, it's not going to work. It doesn't work with children either. They can't hold paragraphs in their working memory, particularly when they're emotional. So instead of saying something like, okay sweetheart, we need to go now and you haven't put your shoes on and we're going to be late and you know the rule, just say shoes on and then stop. And pause and let the instruction land. And you can add warmth or move closer, touch their shoulders, make eye contact. All of that really helps that message to land. If you can get down to their eyes and say, 'Shoes on,' just say it once and then move to action. So here's the phrase that's going to help you change everything. The next thing you say is, if they don't move, you say, 'I'm going to help you.' Not to threaten them, but as a follow-through. So you say, 'Shoes on,' and if they don't move and walk over, you say, 'I'm going to help you put them on,' and you start helping. No lecture, no countdown theater. 'How many times do I have to say it?' God, I used to say that. Just words and then action. Because the fastest way to stop repeating is to stop requiring your child to respond to repeated words and to keep listening. Okay, so what you're teaching is when mum says it, mum means it, and mum stays calm. The staying calm piece is the prevention of them going into the defense of fight, flight, freeze. Okay, so use consistent little sentences which will help young kids do well with the predictable pattern. So connect, get close, eye contact, gentle touch. Direct, the one sentence, put your shoes on. And then I'm going to help you if they don't respond and follow through. Okay, so let's give you another example. Playing at the park and they don't want to come back. So instead of repeating 5 more minutes and then renegotiating for 20 minutes, you say 2 more slides. You hold up 2 fingers. After 2 slides, it's time to go. And then if they get upset, you say, 'I hear you, and I'm going to help you now,' and you move, grab their hands, and you direct them to what needs to happen. And so you can be deeply kind doing that, and your child can be upset. They can have the meltdown. That's normal, because if they're at the park, they don't want to go, and they get— there's going to be big feelings. But that pushing up against the boundary, having the emotional reaction— if you can stay grounded and calm, that's the key. And you're not always going to be calm, especially if you're in a rush in the morning and you want them to get their shoes on. And remember my golden rule: 51% of the time. You don't have to get it right every time, okay? 51%, more than half. That's it. All right, another example: hitting or rough play. Instead of saying, 'Stop it, I said stop it! How many times do I have to tell you not to hit your brother?' or whatever, move in close, hold their hands gently if needed. 'I won't let you hit. I'm going to help you to do something else with those crazy hands of yours.' Or, 'Hands are for waving.' You can stomp your feet, you can stomp your feet instead if you're mad. Okay, consistency isn't the lecture, consistency is the boundary. That's what we're after. So if you've been a nagger, a yeller, or shut down and withdraw from your kids, you can change that and you can retrain them. So the new plan is, I'm going to say it once and then I'll help you to do it. Say it kindly, then live it. Your child will test it at first because they're checking if you're serious. They're working out how this works. That's what their brain's worked for, it's for to look for patterns. If Mum says this, then this happens. Okay, and when you calmly follow through again and again, your child stops needing to test or research as to how the world works. They just automatically know that this is what happens. Okay, so what I'm going to suggest to you is just choose a tricky time, whether it be shoes, brushing teeth, leaving the house, bedtime, and just try this formula and see how it goes. And it'd be great to post anything in the WhatsApp if you've had a little bit of success, or if you're still struggling, maybe we can help you. Okay, because you'll, you'll still be tired, your child will be a child, nothing like that's going to change, but the tone can change. And then that invites some of those, um, behaviors to become more cooperative. Okay, and you don't have to repeat yourself as much. So the card that goes with today's, um, parenting thing is the Waterfall. I remember needing to, you know, really working on my ability to stay calm because remember I had a lot of boys And somebody gave me the metaphor of the waterfall, and I'll write— I'll read what the card says. Water flowing freely is a powerful metaphor for parenting. Like a stream that keeps moving, we gently shape what we meet along the way, smoothing stones, washing away debris, carving new paths over time. Consistent flowing love shapes our children as they move through life. Affirm to yourself, I'm a waterfall shaping my children through love. Okay, so I remember standing there saying, I'm a waterfall, I'm a waterfall, I'm a waterfall, in my mind. It helped me to anchor myself into my ability to stay calm, particularly when I was being ignored, which was a bit of a button pusher for me. So some beautiful stuff to think about there, my darlings. Have a wonderful week and lots of love. Now the live coaching for the next 4 weeks or so is to be a replay because I'm heading off to the UK next week, um, but we'll still be, um, catching up or checking in every week. So feel free to pop anything in the WhatsApp and you'll get some more live coachings while I'm away, which will be pre-recorded. Okay, love you lots. Ciao!