Live Coaching: "Daily Connection Rituals That Reduce Tantrums"

Oh well, hello my darling villagers. Um, it's good to have you with me. I'm back in the country, which is lovely, so I'm doing these sessions live again. And I was just saying to lovely Pina that we're probably going to change these sessions from weekly to one a month, but of an evening when hopefully partners can get on and listen as well. Um, because I feel like we partners can miss out on some of this stuff, or people who are working full-time and can't make the day sessions. So, um, watch out for information about that because, um, yeah, I just want to make it as accessible as possible. So today's topic is about rituals and daily connection because this is the key to reducing the whole tantrum thing, um, and to helping our kids feel connected And the more connected they are, the more cooperative they can become. Little rituals create safety. And those daily connections is something that your child can count on, look forward to. That repetition is really what supports them. The other thing about rituals is that they tend to be, because they're repetitive, they tend to be a little bit more meaningful than a lot of our interactions with the people in our lives during the day and our kids. And they often get remembered. I've had the beautiful privilege of hearing my kids reminisce about some of the rituals that I used to do. One of them was the love bubble. I'll tell you about that later. But Jake said to James one day, 'Oh, does Mum do the love bubble with you?' And he was telling him how he used to try and rort the system, which was funny. But I love that here he was in his 20s talking about a ritual that I used to do with him before he went to school. So that's pretty cool, and we want to fill those love tanks. So that's a really good thing. Now the first thing I want you to reflect upon is when you greet your child in the morning, how do you greet them? That first sort of connection, that 60 sort of second moment, first contact, is a really important moment. I once heard a story of, um, a child talking about how every time they walked into a room, their mother's face would light up. Um, sorry, this wasn't a child talking, but it was an adult remembering the delight that the mother used to show every time this child walked into the room. How often do— when you see your kids walk in, does your face drop, or you, you get on them about what they are doing or not doing? Just reflect on that and, and just kind of think about how you greet your child first thing in the morning. And the other thing too around, um, you know, if there's been some sort of separation, whether it be school or childcare or anything like that. Shay Cox used to talk about bookend separation with connection. So connection before they leave and connection when you reconnect, because this is the stuff, that little bit of eye contact or the one sentence like, you know, I'm so happy to see you, um, where you're really connected and you're, you're looking into their face, it's like you've made a deposit into their love tank. Okay, um, sometimes things like when you're going through transitions from, say, getting into the car or going from childcare back into the house, holding hands and doing little squeezes of the hand. And as you talk to them, you can squeeze their little hand and say, first we're going to do this and then we're going to do that. And that predictability of what's about to happen next with a nice little hand squeeze can also be a beautiful way for them to be able to adapt to the transitions. Because transitions can be really hard for kids, particularly some kids more than others, and they're often tantrum hotspots as well. Another little ritual I've always had, you know, had a great belief in the sacredness of mealtimes. So no phones at the table when And to this day, even my adult sons will, you know, have a crack at each other if they're looking at something on the phone and they'll say, phones at the table, phones at the table. So that's always been the case in our family. And it's a, it's a real moment of connection, mealtimes. And then of course you can enrich them with things saying, you know, talking about Where food comes from, or what did— what delighted you today? What did you see today that delighted you? Or what was the hardest thing of your day? Or what did you learn today? These are, um, lovely little rituals that we can bring in that help children feel seen, feel heard, feel held. Okay, the bath-bed bridge is another one for either babies or for young children. It's beautiful to have that nighttime ritual as consistent as it can be, whether it be, you know, bath, towel, and a cuddle, maybe a little massage, maybe a book or a song. These sort of lovely little transitions, the more consistent you can be with that, the more predictable life is. And repetition equals safety, and safety equals fewer storms. Repair rituals. So if you lose it and you say things or you, you yell or whatever, it's good to have a nice little ritual where you, you get low, you soften your face, and you say something along the lines of— and you can have a little sentence like, 'That was big. I'm back and we're okay.' Okay, what that does is it shows children that disconnection isn't forever and that they can get through those times when you do feel disconnected, or you've— everybody's rushed or frayed or, you know, bit, bit wired. Um, it, it helps to just name it. So that was big, I'm back now and we're okay. And then if you need to do some repair on I had big feelings and I'm sorry you were on the other end of them. So those, those sort of, um, little rituals and little ways that we kind of wire into the way we respond to our kids can be really helpful. Other little rituals are things like narration, and I always think of my beautiful friend Joyty when I talk about this. It's lovely, particularly for babies and particularly for really young children, where you narrate what's happening. And my friend Joyoti, she used to almost sing. She was just, 'Good morning, and now we're going to have some breakfast, and I've just made some porridge.' And that, I mean, one, it really helps build children's language skills, but also it gives that sense of, 'I know what's coming.' And narrating you know, like a nappy change. You can talk to your— even little babies, tiny little babies— you can say, you know, I'm taking off your nappy now, and oh, what a cute bottom you've got. And you can kiss their feet, and you can give them some little bike exercises and little things like that. And let's make your legs strong, and talk about what it is that you're doing. And then there are sometimes you don't feel like talking, and that's fine. But just try that narration around what's going on. That that predictability, and it's a form of connection because they know that you're talking to them. Okay, um, things like a feeding ritual. So whether you're breastfeeding, bottle feeding, you can do some little touches on the cheek saying, 'Time for a bottle,' or 'Time for a boobie,' whatever you call it, and just you know, eye contact and say, 'Ready, let's go.' And talking to your children and all your babies through that particular process is just a beautiful thing to do. The other one is little songs, little nursery rhymes, things like that. Sometimes those things feel really old-fashioned, but I just think there's a great wisdom in a lot of the nursery rhymes of the past, as there is in stories, old stories, really traditional stories. They often have been written to appeal to the psyche of the child. And, um, whenever I had a baby, I always made a new, new song for each child, and I'd always sing them their song before they went to bed. Until one day, poor James, he'd been listening to the same song for about 4 or 5 years, and he said, 'Mum, can we do something different? I'm a bit sick of this,' which was a bit humorous. But, um, yeah, just that whole song every night, or their particular song, is a beautiful thing to do. So why don't you pick just one of the things I've talked about today and just, just work on implementing some of these nice little rituals, whether it be a hand squeeze or a, or a tap on the cheek for feeding, or a special handshake. The other one I wanted to share with you was the love bubble. This is what I used to do with my boys at the end of the day, and we'd do these kisses. And there was the kangaroo kiss where it'd be— we'd do the puppy dog kiss, which was lick their face. Well, I'd do the butterfly kiss, which is I get my eyelashes and tickle their cheek. And then at the end of the different kisses, we'd say, okay, we're going to snap the bubble. And we'd say, one, two, three, and we'd both have to click at the same time to snap the bubble. And Jake reckons he always tried to click at a different time, so he'd had long— so he'd be with me for longer. Um, those sort of little things really, um, foster the imagination. And it's just a beautiful thing to do. Having little one-on-one times with different children too can be really helpful, where you just, you know, that's a real filler of the, of the, um, love tank, where you just say, I'm gonna have 10 minutes and we're gonna do this, okay? And Mummy's completely with you, and then after that I'm going to get the dinner ready. So you just, you, you just carve out that time, you to stay completely focused, and that can be very, very helpful. So I hope those little ideas inspire you. I hope they don't make you feel like you're not doing enough. It's not about that, but it is about continuing to hone the art of parenting and what it is to get the best out of our children so that we can enjoy them. Because parenting can be really hard, and sometimes we need little rituals like this to break some of the negative cycles that we can get into. So big Love to you all, and I'll talk to you again next week. Ciao!