Live Coaching: "Love Them Through the Behaviour"

Hello, my lovely villagers. First session for 2026, and it's lovely to have you join me today. We're looking at the cards this year. I thought we'd use those as the stimulus for some of our parenting inspiration, and the one we're working on this week is Loving Them Through Their Behavior, which is really asking us to practice setting those boundaries without disconnecting connection. So when behavior gets loud, there's usually a need underneath, and we're going to discuss holding the boundary and keeping the bond. And you'll, you know, the goal is to use words that calm, not shame. Okay, now we're not going to get it right every time, but that's the goal. A great example of that came through on the WhatsApp group this week with Frances, and she shared how her daughter picks at her skin, her own skin, and also hers when she's being soothed by her mum. And I asked Frances to tune in to see what is the behavior underneath. And that's such a powerful, um, sense of being able to really love them through the behavior. We, we tend to focus on the behavior but not the cause of it. Okay, behavior is communication. So I asked Fran to tune in, and she did. And a great way to do that is to just ask the question, what's my child trying to solve right now? Is it comfort, control, connection, or competence? I'm going to actually go through a whole lot of things that can be sitting underneath behavior in a moment. Now, Fran came back and she said this: To be honest, the behavior shows up in a range of different emotional states. She can be so calm and quiet having a lovely big snuggle in my arms, and her gentle stroking of my arms will then transition into scratching and the picking at my skin. When I put in a limit, like, I don't like, I don't like that, she'll just seamlessly go back to stroking. And I'm not sure if it's a sensory need. She's very much a physical touch kind of girl. Her friends walk around with their hands in their pockets so she can't keep holding their hands. So it probably is a very strong need in her to be doing something with her hands. When it's her own skin she's scratching, it seems to happen both when she's calm as angry. If I ask her not to, she'll hide her arm where I can't see it and keep scratching. If I hold her hand or try to distract, she'll relentlessly go back to scratching, which seems to be hitting that need for autonomy. Yeah, a little bit of a power play there. So it's interesting, isn't it, the one symptom can have different needs at different times, and I think that's a really helpful thing to realize. And we're not always going to get the answer straight away. Hope talked about it being connected with weaning, which really resonated with Fran as well, so that need for connection. So remember this: behaviour is communication. It's not your fault. It isn't always for you to solve. It's not always obvious, and sometimes we'll live in the mystery of what is causing this. We don't— we can't always get a clear reason, and it isn't character flaw in your child. Okay, sometimes we can think, oh my gosh, they've got such terrible habits and they're going to be this and they're going to be that, and we get a little bit caught in, you know, I've got to break this habit, I've got to control this behavior. When the behavior gets loud or sticky or defiant or socially embarrassing, treat it like data. Something's up, and your job, if you can, is to get Curious about the need underneath. Are they tired? Are they overwhelmed? Hungry? Seeking power? Seeking closeness? Okay, they're just some little ideas. And respond to the need without rewarding the behavior if you can. Okay. So boundaries are how we create safety. Children need them. Remember that. We sometimes want to keep the peace and we struggle because we know that when we draw that boundary, there's going to be a storm on the other side. So what could that look like for Frances? I think what would be a good thing to start to do, Fran, is to start to talk to her about the importance of her skin when she's in balance. And when you're having little chats, perhaps in the bath, you can pick up her arm and say, look at your beautiful skin. Do you know what your skin is doing? It's precious and it wraps up your and your heart and your brain and all the other good things that make your body work. Okay, so start giving her a sense of why her skin is important. And then you can say, I can't let you— when she's in the practice of doing that habit— I can't let you hurt your skin. I know it feels good for you to do that, but let's pick something else for your fidgety hands to pick on. Okay. So, you know, grab a toy. Grab something that has texture or something for her hands to, um, to do that isn't hurting her own skin. So we're not necessarily trying to stop that behaviour because children have an innate capacity to know what soothes them, as we do. Some of our habits are good and some of them aren't good, and the same thing with children. But the best way to change a habit is to replace it with something more appropriate. So getting— finding something for her hands that she can pick at. There are those little balls that have the little spikes on them, and she could potentially pick on one of those or even squeeze it and feel the sensations that that creates in her hands. The other thing, Fran, is, um, you know, children— and I think this is so true for all children— they need to be in their bodies. And some children are more fidgety with their hands than others. Some are more jumpy in their whole body and they can't sit. Others need to be doing things with their hands. So give her busy hands lots of things to do. So things like Play-Doh, drawing, Lego, using hands, um, for young children can really calm the nervous system, as can crazy dancing for a body that, um, is all head up and full of tension. Okay, so some children need more of a body release. Some children can just do well with just hands being busy to unload what that might be. So I'm just going to go through now a list of needs under the noise, so the things that it could be. But remember, we don't always know, and as Fran pointed out, there can be different needs at different times with the same habit. So the first one is body needs, which is the basics, isn't it? Regulation basics. So are they tired, hungry, thirsty, overstimulated? Things like noise, lighting, clothing, lots of people can get the nervous system all sort of head up, needing to move, toileting needs, and just sometimes feeling unwell, not feeling great. The second one is safety and predictability. So uncertain transitions, unexpected change, too many demands, not knowing what happens next, separation anxiety, big environments like lots of people. Laura gave us a great example of that during their holidays, um, when there's been a lot of people in their world and they've had to adapt and change to the environment and the conditions that can cause them to go into these funny behaviours. Connection and closeness, I think that was Fran's sense as well as Hope's sense about their little ones needing reassurance, attention, proximity, play, eye contact. And you know, in many ways there's a little bit of a, do you still love me when I do this? You know, they do the behaviour that they know they're not supposed to do and then they look for a response to that. I think that's always amusing. Yeah. And of course the answer is yes, you do, but you still hold the boundary. Autonomy and power. Okay, so when Fran tries to get her to stop and she, you know, runs away and hides her arm, she's checking out the power play there. She wants choice, control, independence, ownership of their body. And so, you know, that's a real need for young children and a great antidote to that is giving children autonomy over different things that they can have power over. So, you know, if they want to try something, you let them try it. Or if they want a turn to do something, give them that turn. Or they want to choose their clothes. Those sorts of things can support the need for autonomy and power. Competence, you know, the fact that they're learning and they're trying all these new things. They're learning to wait, to share, to tolerate, problem solve. These frustrations of learning can show up. Rest and downtime when there's been too many activities, too much social demand and not enough recovery time, shutting down, particularly children who are more on the introverted scale. Being seen and understood. So feeling misunderstood, not being able to explain what's, you know, going on. And young children sense that. They can't always verbalize it, but they can sense it. And so they need validation. It's so, it's so important when we do try to correct behavior, we connect first. And the best way to connect is to acknowledge what it is that you're seeing. I can see that picking your skin feels good for you, doesn't it? But then what happens on your skin leaves these marks, and it doesn't make your skin happy. And your skin is precious because it holds together all of the things that make your body work, and we need to look after it. So let's give your hands something else to do. The need for fairness and boundaries clarity— so being clear around boundaries, so important. We hold those boundaries for young children. It makes them feel safe, it makes them feel secure, it helps them to know that you're in charge. Emotional discharge. This is that is an important thing, particularly if children have been in social situations where they've been holding it all together all day, like at childcare or something like that, and they've had to deal with, you know, having to take turns or jealousy or worry or embarrassment and all the things they've been dealing with. And of course, when they're in the safe space of home, the big feelings look for a big safe landing place. So sometimes children just need to emote, as do we, my darling hearts. We're no different. And then the last one is just that reassurance of connection. Okay, connection is their true north. It's their— it's what they anchor themselves to. And so if they're, if they're feeling a bit disconnected from you, then some of those habits will come out in that time. Okay, so in the moment when you're dealing with tricky behavior, the question you ask yourself is, what is my child trying to solve right now? What's the behavior? What's under the behavior? Is it around comfort, control, connection, or competence? Okay. So connect. I can see you're picking at your skin and my, my skin. It must feel good to you. Correct. Your skin holds your precious body together and we must treat it well. How about we give those fidgety hands a toy to stroke? I'm sure Dino the dinosaur would love for you to stroke him instead. Okay, don't also be afraid to say— and I know you're doing this, Fran, and this is for everybody else— to be clear about your own personal boundaries. Particularly children who are very attached to you physically, and you know, when you sleep together and things like that, it is important for you to hold your own boundaries even in those spaces. So don't be afraid to say, 'I don't like it when you do that to my skin,' or, 'That might feel good for you, but it irritates my skin.' And now that could create a storm, and that's okay because that storm will help offload the tension in the body and the nervous system. So create a safe space by doing your best not to shut, shut down, criticize, shame. Just hold that space. And then you'll notice, as Laura shared with us, that when you do that, the storm passes a lot more quickly. Okay, so I hope that's been helpful, my darlings, and thank you, um, for those who have contributed to this discussion in the WhatsApp group. Also, welcome to our new members. We've got quite a few new members at the moment, which is just wonderful. And this is where we get to connect and share. It's on a Wednesday at 12:30, although I am thinking of changing this to doing an evening, um, catch-up where people can actually get online and have a bit of a chat. So stay tuned. Um, always looking at improving the village, but I'm really looking forward to another great year with you all. Lots of love. See ya.