Live Coaching: "Having hard conversations"

Mwah! Hello everyone, it's good to have you again with me this week. We've changed things now where we're going to catch up monthly and we're going to use these gatherings as an opportunity to connect in with each other. And hopefully some of you will be able to get onto the calls of an evening. They're currently at 7 o'clock. I might end up moving them to 8 if it's a bit tricky. I know this is a very difficult time, but at the moment my 8 o'clock sessions are down to the inner guidance work that I'm doing with small groups of parents. So this is the time for it, and I chose a nice juicy topic for this first month that we're off doing this, and it's around relationships and having hard conversations— scripts that work. Okay, it's so important to be able to communicate in a way that gets heard, and communication is always the key to long-lasting relationships and being able to grow together and overcome some of those challenges. Changes. So relationships evolve over a lifetime, okay? They're always changing. My husband's favorite quote around me is he feels he's like he's been married to 5 different women, but it's all in the same body. Um, they change as we change. And of course, particularly when you have children, there's a lot of change and transformation going, not only biological, but, you know, metaphorical. You are very different people to what you were when you first got together. And this is not just also for significant partnerships, but also other important relationships in your life. I often think about relationships as like a dance, okay? If you think about— here's a classic example of it. When you go and go back and see your family, and you know, you feel like you're an adult until you walk into the family home, and then your sibling says something, and then you you know, it's like you regress. That, that's an example of the dance that we play. One person says A and the other person says X and the other person says B and then they say Y. And it's like this game of tennis. When they do one thing, you do the other, and you, you're in this dance. And it's very easy to feel stuck, to feel like you're having the same arguments, the same conversations, and things aren't landing, things aren't changing. And what we tend to do in that situation is we blame the other person. If only they would understand me, if only they would do this, then we wouldn't have this problem. And we put all the power in the other person and we don't realize that we have the capacity to change ourselves, which miraculously changes other people. When we change our dance steps, so instead of doing step A, we do step J, then they have to automatically do another dance step. So if you've got something that you don't— that you're really struggling with in a relationship, don't keep responding in the same way you've always kept responding. I'll give you a, a story that I like to share. You might have heard this story or not, but I— it was a real epiphany for me one day when I used to struggle with my husband's depression. He would go into very dark places, and he was very difficult to be around. And it could go for 3 weeks, and then he'd come out of it. And, um, and we always were able to talk after he'd come out of it. But one particular January, we were down at the coast, and he was in this hole. And, and my— no, when he did that, my normal response was batten down the hatches, withdraw, avoid, try to stay away from him. And then one day we're walking on the beach, and he's in this space, and I just had this inspiration: well, that isn't working, do the opposite. And so instead of withdrawing, I decided to be more loving, more caring, make him a cup of tea, put my hand on his shoulder and say, 'I know this, this must be really hard for you. I can see you're not feeling yourself.' Well, if that didn't change everything! I changed the dance step. Instead of defaulting to my defensiveness by withdrawing and avoiding, I did the opposite. I became more loving. Okay, so don't underestimate the power you have to change things in a relationship. So it might not be the other person that— it could be the, the way to change it might actually be you. Okay, so let's talk now defenses. Defense— we all We're the sum of our parts. You know, when we're in our window of tolerance, on a good day, we're feeling balanced. We can absorb things, we can take things on the chin, we don't react, we feel pretty balanced. They're beautiful moments when you're in your window. It's like life can throw you a few curveballs and you're able to catch them and throw them back or do whatever you need to do. But when we're out of our window, we're often in parts. Okay, parts of ourselves that are having to defend the overall system. So I often call the part of us when we're in our window the Self with a capital S. It's when we're just feeling more ourselves, more grown up, more capable, calm, connected, curious, open, creative— all these, um states where, you know, we feel like ourselves. But when we're in out of our window, we could be in a very defensive part. So if you think about, um, think about the idea of defenses being fight, flight, freeze, attach, collapse— they're quite reflexive, okay? They're a reflex, and they come from the more primal part of our brain. And when we were hunter-gatherers, they were very important reflexes to have. But as our lives have become more complex, we've got a lot more relationships, we have to deal with a lot more uncertainty, a lot more unpredictability, then over a lifetime we develop what we call— what we can call parts of us that try to defend the system. So let me give you a few names for some of the parts. This is the work that we do in the inner guidance work, which is about mapping your inner landscape and really becoming more connected to yourself. And we do a process of mapping some of our parts. I'll give you a few names of parts of you, and some you'll resonate with, some you won't, but these are pretty typical ones that most of us have. The controller. The one who wants to control everything, the nuclear reactor. Okay, that's when anger gets released in whatever form that comes out. The rebel, the intimidator, the judge, the self-righteous one, the performer. And my personal favorites, the fuck you part or the don't fuck with me part. Okay, I tend to relate to those since menopause. These parts can be very reflexive when it comes to relationships. See if you relate to that. So when we have a hard conversation, these parts can jump into the driver's seat of the vehicle of our lives, and they can create a lot of catastrophe. They can create a lot of, um, hurt feelings, saying things that you normally wouldn't say, um, and become quite dominating in that space. And before you know it, you've just got one big shit show. Yeah, do you relate? I just got a memory of, um, being— this was early days before we were married— being in Honolulu Airport, and Peter did something. I can't even quite remember what it was, but Anyway, we were having this fight and we were, you know, um, fighting with each other in the queue to go through security or whatever. And, um, anyway, he got fed up with me, so he starts to walk off and I'll start yelling in the middle of Honolulu Airport, don't you walk away from me! It was a very embarrassing moment. So obviously the fuck you part was in the driver's seat and was driving the car of Tracey Anderson Askew at that point. The problem with parts, the problem with defensiveness, is that they create separation because their whole goal is to protect you and you only. And they're not always very good at being able to understand another person's point of view. They get in the way of intimacy, vulnerability, authenticity, which are really important ingredients for a relationship that can do the distance. We have to create safe safety, my darlings. And in order to do that, we have to start to work with our parts. So when you're trying to have a hard conversation, if you sense that you're not in balance, do not have the hard conversation, because it won't be you having the hard conversation, it will be your defense system. Okay, so how do we work with our defenses? Will you give them a voice? When I— and, and I just, I've always been a journaler, and I worked this out myself one day— is I was really cranky with Peter. I wanted to really sock it to him, and I just thought, I don't know, if I was to do this now, if I was to really go for him right now, one, he'd get defensive, but I don't even know what's mine and what, what's his. And because I was triggered, I used to sit down and I would journal, and I would call him all sorts of names in my journal and just really let that part out, have its voice. And what— when that happens, you, you've released that emotional buildup. Another way of doing it is to have a good friend who doesn't try to fix and is really good at listening. And they say things like, 'I can see that must be hard for you. Tell me more about that.' And what else? You don't need friends who say, 'Yeah, he's a real bastard. You should really leave him.' You don't need people like that, okay? You need people who are good listeners who help you to hear the truth of what it is that you need to communicate. Because often what we think the problem is, it's often much deeper. Okay, so whatever you need to do to give your parts a voice, do that before having the hard conversation. Okay, because when you do have it, you want to be back in self and back in balance. So safety— how do we create safety for each other when you're having hard conversations? It's really helpful to actually set aside a time. So flag it, say, look, I really need to talk to you about something. Can we do it, I don't know, at 5 o'clock before the baby wakes up, or something like that in the morning? Often when you're fresher, does help after a good night's sleep. Or just carve out some time where you, um, do it. If you try to do it when the other person's distracted or under the pump or busy, that's not conducive to creating safety. When you communicate and have these hard conversations, it's also really important you use the word 'I.' I feel like X. I'm worried about Y. Rather than you. You this and you that, that's projection. You might as well be shooting an arrow. Okay, you don't want to use the word you. And start to set up within yourselves the practice of listening. My husband taught me this. I always thought I was a good listener, but there were times in some of our discussions where I'd come in and he'd say, I'm not finished yet, I need to get all of this out. And what I realized when— because often people will say something and we want to respond, or they'll say something and we're thinking about the response and we're not actually deeply listening. So active listening is the art of listening without feeling the need to respond. And so by having a hard conversation, giving one person the opportunity to really get it out with just deep listening. With the sole intention is to understand their perspective, and it's much easier to understand their perspective when they're using the word I. Okay, um, we don't need— when we're, you know, talking, we don't need people to fix, like to explain, to justify. This is just about listening without the need to respond. And sometimes maybe asking a couple of questions for clarification, like, 'I'm not sure what you mean by that. Tell me more about that,' or, 'Did I hear you right when you said this?' Like, that type of response is okay, but it really is about giving that person the ability to really speak fully and completely without interruption, because then you're more likely to understand the different perspectives. Um, then if you need to have a break, have a little bit of a, you know, walk or do something, and then the second person speaks, and they can either respond to the first person or express how it's— how it is for them. Okay. Um, the other thing, and this is just something I've learned by being around a lot of males, having four sons and a husband, the best time to talk is either in the car or on a walk. Where you're side by side. Because what we know— and this can be true for women too— what we know is when you're— when you're looking into each other's eyes, just the act of your facial expressions can change the narrative of that person. So sometimes it's actually better that they're not looking at you and they're talking, they're speaking forward rather than face to face. So that's just another little hint there. Um, okay, well, in— I, I tell you, you know, in all of the hard conversations Peter and I have had to have at different times, and man, we've, we've raised 4 kids, we've got mortgages and businesses and all sorts of complexity in our lives, so we've had a lot of conversations. And in all the years, what has always blown me away is Just when I think I know what's going on, and then he gives me the full expression of what's really going on, it's made me realize I was only seeing a very small part of the bigger picture. So that's why these types of conversations can help us to understand each other more deeply. And the payoff of that, my darlings, is deep, profound intimacy. It's love on a different level. I can look at him, he can look at me, and we just know what each other's thinking because we've gone through lots of different iterations of being able to have long, involved, in-depth conversations with good listening and understanding. It's building that bridge of understanding. So let me go through now a few scripts. The first thing you always want to do when somebody's talking about something that's hard for them to talk about is to validate the experience. What it is. So let them know you've heard their voice and you're taking it in. So you can say things like, I can really— I can see this is really hard for you, and it makes more sense to me now. Instantly, that person's going to feel heard and validated. I can understand now how that must have been for you. I can appreciate that you were— dot, dot, dot, filling the gap. Okay, so validate. The second one is state your experience with the word I. Okay, my experience was, I felt, because I thought, the story I told myself was. Can you see the power of using the word I? What you're doing is you're expressing life from your perspective, and it's giving the other person the opportunity to know and understand where you're coming from. And then if you want to really work on a win-win, too often when we fight, we— I mean, there are situations where one person's right and the other person's wrong, absolutely. And you also always need to be able to humble yourself and say sorry. But most of the time, most hard conversations are less about that and more about a lack of understanding. And so whatever it is you agree to in resolution, you want to make sure it's a win for both. Go for a win for each. So it can sound something like, 'Can we make an agreement too?' 'Do you feel like we are on the same page now?' You see the power of that? And then watch the intimacy grow and the perspective grows. You get a much broader perspective, a much deeper understanding of what's really going on. And over time, you feel less defensive with each other. So as you go through life and you realize that these significant people in your lives aren't triggering you as much, that's a sign of growth, and that's great work. So I hope that's been really helpful. Um, I'm going to open it up. We've got a couple of people on the call tonight to see if there are any questions, but I will finish off with, um, working with parts is the stuff that we do in the Inner Guidance and Connection work. And I've got 3 groups going this term, so that's why my evenings are taken up, because we're doing from 8 till 9 o'clock at night after the kids go to bed. And it's a real time to carve out this space to really work on feeling more connected to yourself and more able to downregulate stress and reactivity, not just in parenting, although parenting is a focus, but it's in all parts of our lives. It's beautiful work. It's transformational. Work, and I'll be sending out some emails around that. But if you're interested, you need to apply because it's really— I've got to make sure that the groups have a good dynamic because they're very special. So that's there for you beautiful villagers. That's the work I want to do with you more and more, wanting to really help your families to grow together and to, yeah, evolve. So Whoever's on the call, does anybody want to ask a question? Feel free to unmute yourself and go for it.

I was writing something in the chat, but I'll just say it. Um, Tracey Anderson Askew, so when you're outside of your window of tolerance but you have something that you want to bring up with your partner, but you can't really, um, journal at that point, or you can't have a moment to yourself, say like you're just doing things together, or like it's, you know, it's with the baby, or like whatever, like it's hard to get that moment. Like, what do you suggest? Do you suggest to say, hey, like, I— because I struggle with like just like letting go of it and refocusing on what we're doing and bringing it up later. Like, I struggle with that.

When the beautiful thing about parenting together is you can back each other up. And so when you're out of your window, in fact, um, Shay used to say this, that her and her husband, they had 3 kids and they'd come home and if she was, you know, feeling out of whack, she'd say, what score are you? And he might say, I'm a 7. And she'll say, well, I'm a 4. Can you take over for a little bit while I get myself together? And so in situations where you're out of your window and you, you want support from your partner, it can be just really helpful to say, look, I'm at it, I'm running out of 3 right now, could you help me do X? And so in those situations, supporting each other, backing each other up, feeling like you're doing it together is going to be, um, also really supportive to you, bonding and connecting and supporting each other while you're in the trenches. But when it comes to bigger issues, you want to really, um, like you've been triggered and you're thinking, oh my God, I'm gonna blow my top, or, or maybe you've shut down, maybe you've withdrawn, maybe you've gone the other way, um, then when you can, take a moment to yourself, do some writing, get a friend, talk on the phone. Or if it's not about about your partner, talk to them. Um, but if it is about them, it's better off to go to them when you're clearer, when you're not in parts. Because that's sort of, sort of what I found. Because often when I was triggered, it was actually more my stuff than it was Peter.

Yeah. So it's more about letting your partner know that, yeah, you're outside of your window.

Yeah.

Maybe you can take over for a minute. I'll go have a breath and then—

yeah, yeah. And if you're both running at a 3, then you both say, okay, well, I'll go and have a shower and then I'll come out and relieve you, and we'll see if we can get ourselves back to a 6 or 7. Yeah, you know, at least over 5. Yeah, yeah. I like that. I remember when Shay, um, shared that story. I thought, God, that's such a brief, efficient way to say, I'm in my shit. Not that we don't know, I mean, we can actually tell anyway, but I thought that was a really nice little teamwork exercise. Yeah, that's a great question. Thank you. Any other questions? Do you have any more? Okay, none from us, Tracey Anderson Askew. Okay, and I think Bex said no, she's good. So I hope you've enjoyed it, and I'll talk to you again next month. In the meantime, post things in the WhatsApp, and there's more goodness coming your way too. Got lots of plans in the pipework.