EP 83: "Sell Your Dead Nan's Jewellery!" (The Ultimate Dog Training Review)

Never seen a dog chase so many squirrels as Flea last night, man. Yeah, he went crazy. Did he? Yeah.

Did he have fun?

Oh, he had fun.

Did he bark or was he quiet?

He did bark when he went up trees. Yeah, yeah, in his super high pitch. Yeah, that was fun.

Yeah, as long as you don't make reference to Mexicans, it's cool. There you go.

Does that count kosher? I'll get him on video and then it'll just be like, ping. I wouldn't even have to do it.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would.

I've never heard him bark.

You'll hear him barking in the van all day.

Oh, you've probably never not heard him bark.

Yeah, that's probably why you don't think you can hear him barking, because it's just become the norm.

What are we thinking of the new Batman vibes? You like it? Yeah, I like it a lot.

Yeah, I do.

It's way better than that shitty blue. I feel like we have to start talking like this. I'm not the dog, I am the dog. Where is he? Where is he?

I was born in the dark. Molded by it. One of my favorite, like, fucking— takeoff meme-y things of all time. I don't know what the fuck you call them, but you know the one where, uh, meme— someone's done the overlay of vocals of Bane talking about food. It's one of the fucking funniest things I've ever seen.

We'll throw a clip in, I guess.

Yeah. Gary, are you serious? Pizza? Gotham City is not even known for it. How does this get far? With your New Year's resolution.

Carbohydrates.

Sugary tomato paste.

Because I've not seen it.

It's fucking— it's good, mate. It's probably— it's someone's—

yeah, someone's dad would enjoy, I think. So show it to your dad. What are you drinking there? Decaf?

Yeah.

Any good?

Decaffeinated in canines today. What is it?

Yeah, what's the point in it?

Well, I need to stop me eating because I will consume a lot of food. Just kind of use it as an appetite suppressant. But I do—

but how does that work? Because I thought it was the caffeine that was in them.

I don't know, seems to work a bit.

Yeah, but I reckon, because this could lead us on to dogs, you never really know, I reckon if I chin one of them before bed, there's no chance I'm sleeping.

Yeah, because you're like a somatic psycho insane.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it could be. But I don't have a lot of faith in it being entirely decaffeinated either, though. How the fuck does— how do they get out?

Yeah, what are they doing there with a tiny fucking pair of tweezers just getting each little molecule of caffeine out? I don't think so.

We wash it out with water. Well, why doesn't it become decaffeinated when I make the coffee then?

With water? Yeah, you're right, mate.

Water filter fucking method technology. Someone could shed some light on that, that'd be great.

Yeah.

Yeah, there'll be a barista out there somewhere listening to this cast, I imagine, because it's got the word caffeine in it.

Yeah, you'd think so.

So it could be.

Um, listen, in the last 28 days, serious, 20,000 people have listened to this. Something like that, was it?

Is it possible— can that be the same person listening to it 20,000 times? Could that happen?

Theoretically, it could be the same guy listening to it. He'd probably have to have it on double or triple speed to get the reps in.

I'd love to think it was though.

Yeah, whoever you are, mate, let us know, we'll send you a t-shirt.

Yeah, maybe even two. Yeah, 28,000.

Yeah, can you imagine? Yeah, fair fucks to him. It could be 3 people watching it 6,500 times each. Yeah, or along those lines, maths. Yeah, not far off. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so Boris has been in down week this week.

Yeah, deload week at the YCA. Yeah, yeah, we haven't got a boot camp to pull off on. Yeah, I'm sure you want to book in a boot camp, we'll throw in a free pull-off if you're interested. We need Tony to give us the review of the week because that was my Kaizen. Oh yeah, to read it out. Oh, okay, but she's not done her job. It's coming.

Yeah, but you can't go on a scroll.

Yeah.

Hear thee, hear thee. To be fair, the thing of Kaizen is something that you're accountable for.

Yeah, fair enough.

You can't go too hard on TV.

How? Yeah, but how much?

Helping you out, bro.

Yeah, fine. All right, all right. Yeah, no, fair enough. Yeah, I'll take it on.

I've got confidence she's gonna get there.

I'm taking it on the chin.

Any moment she's gonna kick those doors in like with a review, with a revolver and a review.

I've seen a few funny ones pull through this week. Everyone's getting a little bit lairy in them. Our reviews are getting fucking Yes, yeah, anything goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go give them a read, they're kind of funny. Some guy, Kevin, that to be— yeah, maybe have a look. Yeah, we've got a code red at the YCA. We're just gonna, we're just gonna put things on standby for a second. All right, we're back, everyone's alive.

There we are.

Yeah, there you go, he's slightly out of breath. Considering you didn't go far. No, just you stayed in eyesight. Eyeline. Fair.

And no real pace.

No, no, it was a brisk walk at most.

Yeah, it was more of the anticipation that got me. I thought it was gonna end up in a car park brawl again. Oh, fucking—

here we go. So yeah, deload week. So what's been going on this week then since you haven't trained any dogs?

We have had a lot of trainers meetings.

We've officially become internet dog trainers this week. There you go. We've become everything we promised we never would.

Yeah, but look at those that just talk and not do.

Our heads.

But like, yeah, it's still good.

Yeah, that is true.

My hair in the back of my hand doesn't look too bad.

No, it does. Yeah, yeah. In a cap, this shit, it fucks hard.

Yeah.

I got complimented twice on my hair today.

Did you? Yeah. Who from?

By Tony and Chloe, of all people, who exclusively— exclusive— exclusively— yeah, that's true.

Because like, you know, I love your hair, but I don't think this is your best hair day. I think—

no, that's a hair day. Yeah, today.

So they're fucking after something, mate. Watch your back. Watch your wallet. Watch the business account.

I don't know, something, something. Yeah, we got new jackets today. Maybe we'll put them on the podcast and you could do us a live trial.

Shall I? Yeah. Oh, nice.

You've got to take your clothes off again because that episode did quite well. People were very confused but aroused.

Why is there a man with no shirt on?

People watching that podcast was like me as a child watching Hanson, the song 'Him Bob.' I'm confused but aroused right now, boys or girls.

You heard too, and you— that's true.

Little 8-year-old me.

I'm gonna go with it. I got a fresh—

what is this, Mom? What's going on right now? Mom, what the hell? Mom, I'm gonna go make love to my Teddy Charizard.

Bye.

How long of a clip of that music can we put before we get sued? I think there's an end there.

I might have to mute them and have you just sing. Yeah, that'd be all right, wouldn't it? It's basically the same.

Yeah, that's true.

What have I done this week? Uh, we've had a lot of trainers meetings actually. Just a couple of big ones rather than a lot of them.

Um, what did you discuss and what are we looking to improve on, Ian?

Improve on all product services really, like how can we make everything better? And there was some decent stuff thrown about. Yeah, there's secrets, secret sauce. But yeah, obviously we're constantly looking to make everything better. How can we make things quicker, smoother, more efficient, and more effective?

Nice.

But it's pretty good. Normally my way of doing it with them is like ask them questions like why would we, why do we do that? And then with their understanding usually embraces a few problems or uncovers a few problems and then we get to the bottom of the problem.

And then you iterate and solve problems. Problems from there aggressively. Solve problems aggressively. Okay, if you take anything from the podcast, let it be that.

Yeah, attack everything.

Yeah, pretty much.

Well, yeah, not everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounded all right, didn't it?

Yes. Yeah, well done, Ian.

Figuratively attack everything.

Still waiting on that review. We're also waiting on our jackets if you want to give someone a kick up the certain ass. Certain someone up the ass.

Is that where it's come to? We've got nothing else to talk about.

We need jackets!

We need jackets! Fuck!

That's just dopamine, innit? Mom, the meatloaf! I could do with a soda as well. Do you think—

Jump up and get yourself a soda.

Alright. Normally someone brings me one though.

And mops thy brow at the same time.

All I want now.

What do you want now?

A Sprinter van. A luxury Sprinter van.

Oh, they're nice, aren't they?

Mm-hmm. With seats in the back to chill out like a— Yeah.

You mean to be driven around in?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

With Stark in the back, me and him, and a laptop. It'd just make great vlog footage, wouldn't it? Could do.

At least like once.

Once, yeah. I might just rent one then, in that case. Oh, God's sake.

Are we still on? Is this still on?

Are we still waiting?

Yeah, it's coming.

I've seen it with my own eyes. It is longer than things normally take to come.

Why is it taking this long though?

I actually don't know.

We should pull Tony on podcast as punishment. She's client success manager.

Yeah, she would hate it. Let's use it as punishment.

Yeah, nice. She's gonna go very, very red. There she is. She's gonna go red. I've already made her do a Loom today. Yeah, she's really good. Yeah. Oh, is it maybe text to me, is it? Oh, okay, so—

Oh, that's unacceptable.

Scroll next week, it's fine.

I need to get her in, like, beckon her in.

So weird. Adam from Australia has just sent me a review he's got in his business.

Oh, nice.

Should we read it?

Yeah, let's. Alright.

Adam from Freedom K9.

Yep, a mentee of yours.

A mentee of ours.

A good bloke.

Good bloke. He's got a solid missus who's— who's a great bloke for all intents and purposes. Not a bloke, but if she was, you'd be like, she's a fucking— he's a great bloke, you know what I mean?

I think she's a chick. It's a weird way to put it across, but yeah, great chick anyway.

One of the fellas, you know, but not a fella.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, so he's just literally just texted me now. This isn't a setup or anything like that. How about that for a review? Banger. Let's read it.

Did he use the word banger?

Yeah, Banga.

Banga with an A. Yeah, multiple A's.

I reached out to Adam mid-December. We'll, we'll, we'll put this up against our review.

Okay, we'll have a review off.

I reached out to Adam mid-December after recommendation from a friend who assured me Adam will change your life. Well, here I am at the end of February with a completely new outlook on life with my dogs. Oh, it's a good start, to be fair.

It is a good start.

Arlo was such an anxious dog he had to be put on medication and saw a behavioral vet regularly. He was dog aggressive, stressed 24/7, constantly crying and pacing, and unsure of his place in the world. AJ— there's two dogs— was also dog reactive and 55 kilos. This posed serious safety concerns for myself, others, and him, although he is the most laid-back dog at home. I can't read no more. What's going on here? As soon as we stepped out the front door,, he would lose confidence in himself and would become stressed and overwhelmed. Sounds like someone I know. Adam immediately saw through the dog reactivity to the real issues: fear, understimulation, and uncertainty in themselves and in me. As of today, AJ and Arlo are completely different dogs. They can be off leash safely with stellar recall. They're happy and confident in themselves in a way I haven't seen in a long time. And they are getting back into socializing with other dogs, something I never thought possible. I cannot thank Adam and Brody enough for the amazing program they've worked so hard to create. You must have learned a lot from J-Rod at YCA. You guys have really changed mine and AJ's lives. A world of possibilities is opening up, and I can't wait to be able to take my dogs on every adventure with me. That's rather touching, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We might cry on another podcast. Yeah.

Good.

I'll voice note him.

Nice. Oh, fuck, that's not working.

Okay, another fucking— just watch, just watch. Oh no, it is working. Yeah, nice, mate. I just, I just received this as I was on the podcast, so we've read it out to our audience. So there you go. Good job as always. Right, now ours. That's fucking hard to follow up from, isn't it?

It is. All righty, we can only hope and pray that it's not too shit.

Yeah, it's like missing half of it though. It's very long.

Of course it's long. It's really long. Way longer than Adam's, mate.

Yeah. Yes, we win the length battle.

Yeah, comfortably.

Points for length.

Comfortable win. Yeah, because we're not short.

Where's the start, Tone?

Tone, don't get us in this.

Tone, skim the top off.

She needs to come in here. And she can read it.

Yeah, she's saying, no, I don't want to, I don't want to. We'll get her a beanbag. We need a guest of honor beanbag.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's my kaizen, the beanbag of honor.

Yeah, it should look like a dog bed though, so like— yeah, are you coming in with the puppy?

Come on.

Yeah, there you are. Look, come on. Tony's got one of the best dogs ever.

Look, there's too many cameras.

There's 3 cameras. Yeah, to be fair, it's an excessive amount of cameras. Yeah, they are, right? I would 100% recommend that you bring your dog here if they are reactive or presenting other issues that are doing your heading or stressing you out. Come and sit down. I went with a 3.5-year-old Staffie who I've had for about a year. At home, Simba would bark at guests and repair people. Like he would fix them, or barking at people that repair things?

Who knows? Presume the latter, right?

Yeah. Okay. He would obsess and stare out of windows and have a fit every time the postman came. Out and about, he would behave like a twit, pulling on the lead, reactive over dogs, people, bikes, lorries, cats, squirrels, grass, fresh air.

I get that one.

Okay, maybe not the latter, but he was a handful. This was all dead frustrating because I knew how much of a sweetheart he could be with some members of our family. But as soon— when I first got him, everything seemed okay. This is a waffly one. We're definitely winning lengths.

Very different tone to the other one.

Yeah, right. I'm gonna skip some bits. Uh, all right, all right. If you are— basically, he was a whopper.

Yeah. Um, did he use the word whopper? Have you—

have you Summarized it.

Yeah, I've summarized it. He's a mad whopper that kicked off absolutely everything. There was another helpful young lady, but I can't remember her name. There was a better review than this somewhere about the— oh no, this is the one. Fair enough. I knew it. If you are umming and ahhing over the price, pack it in. Stop being selfish. Your furry friend will really benefit from it. Just slap it on a credit card, miss a holiday this year, or sell your dead nan's jewelry or something. Yeah, fair enough. I'm genuinely so happy I went. On the boot camp, money well spent. I've not been back. Where's like— oh, here you go. The boot camp was flipping phenomenal. All the trainers really know their stuff. They were really good at teaching us the theory and giving us tips on how to increase our dog's quality of life and our relationship with our dogs. I loved it. Me, it was great. All the staff did a fabulous job of giving us tailored advice to our dogs and their needs. Shout out to all the staff. Alicia, who told me about dog sports and reckoned she'd be good for Simba. She has, she has 6 dogs, so you'd expect she really knows the stuff. These are unnecessary details.

Does she have six? Does she have six? I've got six now. You've got more?

No, I've got six now. As Owen and Alex helped with socialization and gave me tips, there was another young lady who was helpful. Toni, who is a— who is the client success manager, is a proper sweetheart, and she sent me some extra information. I've not been back to the boot camp since, but I will soon. They offer some free classes if you've done the boot camp. There you go. And sell you dead man's jewelry, basically. Necessary. Which, which— it does make it close, but Adam might have pipped us. It is—

it was a good one.

No, no.

All right, I'm saying fuck you, Adam. Different, different tone, different vibe of— do you know what I mean? It's almost like genre of movie. Yeah, that's like comparing a romantic one to a porno. Yeah, essentially.

Yeah, I know, which was completely different needs.

Yeah, very It's really safe to be in different spots. And there she is, look. Who's this? This is Nora.

A nosy deformed Frenchie.

Deformed Frenchie, but one of the bestest dogs ever.

She's cute, isn't she?

Oh, look at her.

You're on a podcast. That is cute. You don't meet a cuter dog than that fucking thing, do you?

Kisses. Kisses. Kisses. A little bit unsure. She's like, what the fuck?

No, we love you. Come on then, Tone.

What's your—

what's your name? What's your nickname? Here you are.

I'll do it. You might just hear her though.

You all right?

I can't do it.

It sounds too heavy for you, bro.

You all right, mate? No, I ran through a plank of wood earlier.

Yeah, you did. Well, well.

I tried. Yeah, I tried hard. Go on then. No, you have to. Chloe did, and now you do, and eventually Susie will, and so will the others.

Maybe not all of them.

What's your name?

My name's Toni. I'm the client success manager here.

What's your role here? What do you—

what's—

what do you do?

Yeah, it's kind of self-explanatory.

Yeah, but what does that entail, Toni?

Making sure all the clients are happy, making sure the journey is smooth and successful.

Even more key to that, keeping you two alive. Yes, there is a lot of— I don't fuck up at boot camps.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, we've got very talented training team, but sometimes they just need fucking reining in a little bit, you know. We need someone there to be the glue between the, the, the talent and the fucking clients, essentially, to make sure that, um, there are as minimal bumps in the road as possible. Everyone leaves with a big smile on their face, and most importantly a well-trained happy dog.

Nice.

So that's how fucking— how much we give a fuck about your success. We have a whole person to do that.

We have a whole Tony.

You can have two, look. Yeah, she's the client success assistant manager. Yeah. And she, she's still learning, um, she will get there.

She's very popular though. She proves very popular.

Yeah, real crowd pleaser. Cute, isn't it? Oh my God, that's cute. What's your favorite thing about working here?

It has to be the team, the clients, obviously.

You too. You weren't here, it would be so good.

No, I'd have far less to do. But no, uh, I think it's seeing the clients and being like more hands-on with the clients and seeing them on the Friday of the boot camps.

Yeah, nice.

Been very successful. Yeah, Friday's success stories after, they always WhatsApp me and make sure, keep updated, and that's always a nice part to see.

Tony always jumps on the post-call as well, the follow-up call.

Yeah, yeah. So when we do a boot camp, we do an onboarding, right? And then we do the boot camp, and then we catch— we do a catch-up call 2 weeks later to make sure everyone's— yep, yeah. And again, it's Tony's role to make sure everyone's super happy in that process. Anything you don't like about working here? Like, what would you improve on?

You think YouTube?

No, being forced to do a podcast, you're forced to film looms.

Yeah, no, no, I enjoy it.

Which staff member annoys the piss out of you the most?

Um, I don't think anybody annoys me the most.

Come on, come on.

There's no real winner. They're all equal.

They're all equal. Susie and Chloe are okay, and the rest of you just—

fuck it.

We're all together in that one. Okay, fair enough.

No, I have to say Pablo, actually. I changed my mind.

Why?

Because he asks me a million and one questions a day.

He loves a question, doesn't he, that boy?

He does enjoy a question.

He gives Donkey off Shrek. Pablo was on the podcast talking about getting fucked last time.

Yeah.

Which is crazy. A bunch of people sent it to me. I don't know. Yeah, another role you have is actually You're part of the team, the, the panel, the panel, the sensory panel, judiciary, as to what goes through on this podcast. You're part of the voting system. So if you don't know, it goes from Poppy, who puts together the podcast and does a phenomenal job, to Suzanne, Chloe, and Tony, uh, who serve as a panel to basically—

a strong barrier, if you will.

Yeah, yeah, the barrier of what sort of stuff goes out. Um, apparently Chloe making love to a taxi driver made it in last week, so that's exciting. Yeah, yeah, so that's exciting.

The bar may have moved moved slightly over the last few weeks because we've let them all through.

Oh nice.

Yeah, oh good. So our days are numbered. Yeah, fair enough.

Enjoy. Or at least listen if you don't enjoy it. Yeah, listen while you can.

There's a lot that still gets cut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's our cut record time? Like the biggest chunk that's been cut out of a single pod?

You're on the pod now.

That was a good 20-odd minutes.

Yeah, apparently 20 minutes worth of— 20 minutes? Yeah, yeah, that's a lot of absurd— like, 20 minutes.

I think you did a 20-minute monologue at one point. It could have just been that. Yeah.

Oh, fuck, yeah. Well, yeah, again, we're still deliberating whether we do some sort of like OnlyFans Patreon thing where you can have full access to behind the scenes, but yeah, I'll just come and watch live one day.

That'd be—

yeah, we just come and watch it live. Yeah, yeah. What have you got planned for the rest of your day? Busy, busy, busy, busy.

Yes, we're actually starting to do the new calls where we're checking in to make sure the dogs that have been here 6 months later are still living the best life.

Oh nice, so we're like an alumni call.

Yeah, if you like. Yeah.

What are you calling them? Do they have a name? We could call them that if you want.

There we go.

This is why I paid the big bucks, folks. The ideas guy, you know. Quality alumni calls, right? Catch you later. You know, my funniest, like, one of the funniest things I've ever seen on this podcast is the boys walking out single file after Shark Week, the sticks and red bags. Or Alicia the Pied Piper of men is a close second, maybe. Come on, boys! Don't message me on Instagram, okay? Two absolute bangers. Two banger gags then. All right, Tom, we'll let you— we'll let you go and enjoy the rest of your busy, busy day.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for all the hard work you do. And we're going to make it a feature to either feature a review of some sort just to remind us. So we do a team meeting on Thursday, right? And within that team meeting, I don't know, within that team meeting, Can we get, can we get, can we get one of the crew in here please? I don't know what happened to that guy.

Can I go before you start talking about it?

Yeah, all right, please let me back off. All right, fair enough.

You think it'd be like a good thing to come on it, wouldn't you?

Not like a fucking Genuine punishment.

Yeah, they're all fucking big and mouthy till they get a mic in front of them. Yeah, she abuses us on a daily basis. Her and Chloe. And then here, mice, mate. Yeah, Billy Tenman. Yeah, so on a Thursday we do a team meeting, and, um, as tradition of that team meeting, we read out some of the reviews that have been left for our company that particular week in order to remind us and the staff, us as a whole, I guess everyone, they're all staff, there's no, there's no one else there, I guess. No, no, to remind everyone, yeah, why we do this shit, I guess.

Yeah.

And it's always quite nice and touching, isn't it, when we just take a moment to, to take in. So it's all very, yeah, grounding, grounding for you particularly, because, you know, it's easy to get you know, the Lambos and the models and shit like that, and the yachts. It's easy to forget why it all started, you know. Obviously we're just kidding, we're just kidding. But it is a nice little feature, isn't it? We're gonna do the same, we're gonna bring the same to you on a Friday as well on our podcast, just again to never forget the essence, I guess, as fans would say.

The essence of just two dudes in fields of Leeds, remember?

Yeah. Yep, two dudes in an empty field without any grass. Yeah, no grass. No grass, not a single blade of grass in that field. Not a single blade. Was there cabbage in the field? Those big things? It looked like cabbage patch, but I don't know whether it was like certified edible cabbage.

There's a lot of burdock. You know, with the sticky bud things? Oh.

Yeah.

There's a lot of that.

Well, that's not dandelion. Dandelion turns into burdock, does it?

Or vice versa. Yeah, two different... Two different things, I believe.

And they make love?

I don't know, maybe they would do.

Can we just get some confirmation on— We'll put dandelion here, which is the yellow stuff, yeah?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

And then burdock is the afro. The ones you kick.

Or blow. No, I believe that is dandelion, but that's dandelion seeds after it's flowered. I don't know this for sure.

Oh, that's it, once it's transitioned.

Yeah, and burdock, totally separate.

Yeah, but they are, they do do a drink together.

Yeah, exactly. So they're in symbiotic relationship somehow.

So what the fuck is burdock? Can we get some verification of what a burdock is?

We've gone full fucking— Yeah, but they end up with the sticky buds on. You know, the things I used to throw at you and really piss you off.

Back in the good old days.

You know, the things that stick to you, like— I'm going to drive up there in a minute and get some on it.

Yeah, you might have to because you're not speaking any sense.

Yeah, the little spiky ball things.

Oh yeah, you just end up everywhere and they don't— like, you get in your dog's coat. Yeah, you have to pull them out.

Yeah, or new socks or anything. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, I'm pretty sure two separate plants and then somehow put together. I don't know if they're actually in the beverage, are they? Tastes like plant, does it?

No, but have you ever eaten the plant to know what it tastes like?

I'd rather go on dandelion to taste.

You know, um, a tortoise's favorite food is dandelion. Is it?

Yeah, that seems hard to believe. Why? Well, because they're not native, are they? So unless dandelions are very widespread, it would seem hard to believe that that's what they grew up on, thinking, this is my favorite food.

Well, They are weeds, and I guess the whole point of weeds is they can— they're pretty versatile in where they can grow, I guess.

Yeah, for sure. I think the definition of the weed is that it's like a plant growing in the contextually wrong place. Brilliant. I don't know if that's exactly it.

Are we gonna have to pull this up?

I definitely made that up. But it makes sense though, doesn't it? One man's weed could be another man's flower. Nice, mate. Poignant, isn't it?

Yeah, that's really nice.

That—

that— let's get that written somewhere if we could. True definition of a weed.

Private mode there, by the way.

No, it's just as I was filling out a Typeform which has a black background. But yeah, yeah, weed is defined as any— bruv, weed is defined as any plant growing where it is not wanted. Often categorized as being persistent, competitive, detrimental to agriculture and ecosystems or human activity.

So it was kind of a—

yeah, typically fast-growing wild plants that thrive in and interfere with managed environments like gardens, lawns, and farms.

So, so really it's not their fault, is it?

No. And a weed, the definition of a weed is up to Yeah, the garden owner, I guess, because if you want them there, they're no longer weeds by definition.

I welcome weeds.

Yeah, so if you're just happy with the dandelions in your garden, technically they're not weeds.

I think they're really pretty.

They are pretty, aren't they?

Like yellow heads and that. Nice.

Yeah, and especially when you go and kick them and it goes everywhere. So then we need to figure out—

that sounds like kicking a kid's sandcastle on the beach.

Uh, so my tortoise was a marginated tortoise. Country of origin. All right, the marginated tortoise, primarily native to southern Greece, ranging from— here we go— the Peloponnesus. Yep, up, hip hop hop, anonymous peninsula, to Mount Olympus, which I didn't think was a real place.

Did you?

Yeah.

It will mean that too. Yeah.

All right. Makes sense of this. It's also found in southern— All right. I thought it said Alabama. Says Albania, which makes more sense because I think you can see Albania from Greece.

All right.

I'm not going to fact-check that because we'll really segue too much. Okay. Does dandelion— dandelion grow in Greece? Is that the right question, or do I say, is it native to Greece?

Yeah, native would be better. You can only assume it would, wouldn't you?

Is dandelion native— it definitely grows there, for the record— to Greece? Yes, the common dandelion, Taraxacum officinale, is considered native to Greece and the broader Eurasian region.

All right, fine. So it could well be their favourite chow.

Yeah, and it could be the OG favorite, Chow.

How do we— how do we discern whether it's his favorite or not?

Because if you— you could put anything in the vivarium, it's always going to at least eat that and always eat it first.

Yeah, but just to throw a spanner in the works.

Yeah, fair enough. To play devil's advocate, if it were.

I ate my tea last night and there was some potatoes and there's like a big meatball with cheese in the middle of it.

Yeah. And you ate the potatoes first so you could finish on the meat. But that's more of like a— I think probably more of like a human cognitive thought process that maybe a tortoise doesn't have.

Like, we don't know that though.

No, we don't know. No, we don't know that.

No, it could be. You might be just saving the good stuff after— for last, maybe.

But sometimes you'd only eat that. Now, would you go ahead and only— if you were hungry, only eat the potatoes?

All right, I'm swung. Checkmate.

I'm swung. Yeah, nice.

You know I like a checkmate or stalemate.

I love a stalemate.

Yeah, dog there, look. Yeah, we have dogs there even, even on a doff week. Doff? Even a doff via week, you still have dogs.

Deload week. Have we got 4 boot camps next month or 3 in the deload?

How often were you doing these deloads? I think next month's slightly different because we've got the dev week.

Oh, when you got your dev week?

Not next week, the week after, I believe.

When are you expecting?

Uh, there's 13 on the course, and I know 2 people can't come. One guy is in America, but he's already been—

oh, oh, oh, I know, that's a bit of a cardinal sin, isn't it? Stealing the old fucking stylus.

Stylus, stiletto.

Did you have anyone slide in your DMs after your shirtless—

not one. Someone else asked me that. And I was like, what, not a single—

not even like a dude?

Yeah, there was. Well, yeah, there's a dude the other day asking me a dog training question. I don't know if it was off the back of— he did say his opening statement was they loved the podcast.

I don't know if it was contextual to the shirtless podcast or just the podcast.

Sure, he didn't, he didn't name any specific one.

I think, yeah, you'd probably be being presumptuous, maybe.

Yeah.

Was he like a big burly biker type? Because I feel like you'd be that, that type of guy's type, yeah, to be fair. I think you'd be considered a bear.

Yeah, no, it wasn't those.

Although you're quite smooth, like you don't have much body hair, do you? No, your ass is hairless. Like, would you get it out or no? No, but even look at your legs.

Like, yeah, I know. Yeah, yeah, you can probably—

like, you should be a really hairy guy, but there's just— you don't shave them, do you?

No, not at all.

That is crazy, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah, tried a few, few new things from the inside out.

That feels like a big penis, like a big veiny hard-on.

I wouldn't know.

I don't know why my mouth's watering.

That's weird. Really weird physiological response. Pavlov's dog salivating at the caressing of a cock. All right. Oh, fuck. Surely that can stay in. Yeah, fuck it.

You've only offended children. A queen like that, yeah, I'll take it. Whatever, I'm fucking, you know, whatever. We do get a few people ask if we're a couple, you know. Do you know if you had that yet? Oh yeah, yeah, in the comments shows up. Oh, there's a thing. I do send you some fucking like pretty ropey memes and stuff, don't I? Yeah, I do send you pictures of my shaft on a regular basis. So yeah, I guess that's normal, right? Yeah, that's what bros do, right?

Yeah.

What do you think of this, right? What do you reckon, mate? Angle, yes or no? What do you think of the new trim? I've gone for a skin fade. Would you start fucking belly down on the skin fade and go like the longer part of it at the base of the shaft, or would you skin fade up the body so that working more dense densities further north?

From a practical sense, the latter would make more sense.

Would you go across?

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, no, you'd probably go bush nearer the base of the shaft purely so you weren't too close to the bone. Yeah, nearer the shaft, you got more likely of taking it clean off at that, I guess. At that, you take a cutthroat razor. Yeah, yeah. Imagine rocking up to the Kurdish boys. Boys, do you mind giving me like— do you do like a downstairs fade? I know it's a little bit out there, Shawnee Bashee, fellas, but do you mind giving me a— so, freckle bokka is Kurdish for skin fade. I don't know what the Kurdish word for shaft is, but I'll fucking— let's find out.

I'll ask them next time I'm in.

Kurdish word for shaft, I guess. Depends what type of shaft. So I guess shaft is more like a euphemism in the first instance. Yeah. So we got 3 types of shaft here. So we need to establish what the type of shaft the euphemism is based off.

Oh, okay.

Wait for all 3 options Questions, please, sir. "Mining or vertical shaft" in brackets, "tunnel." "A mechanical shaft, like an axle or a rod." Slightly more like that one. Ah, it'll be this one, I'm sure. "Handle shaft of a tool." Yeah. Which is "destik" or "kwup." So, presumably, you'd put the noun at the beginning of a sentence, like any other fucking sensible language, unlike ours. "Destik sefrek mboka." All right, please. What do you reckon to that, boys? Hope you brought your tweezers to work. Fuck's sake.

Right then, uh, I know, I don't know how the fuck we got there.

No, but, uh, Kurdish skin penis skin fade. Yeah, that's what this episode can be. I don't know, bro, they keep listening. 20,000 people, all one dude. Or a combination of in between, but 20,000 listens.

Yeah, fair enough. Kudos to those 2 to 3 people.

There's some fucking robust people.

Do you put it on repeat on your spare iPhone?

Yeah, yeah, I've got like 10 iPhones in the fucking safety room. Remedial room there. Yeah, a picture of that in Kirkcudbright.

We'll resource guard the space.

And, uh, yeah, just got 10 iPhones playing our podcast on repeat. On the repeat, just to clock up those views. You don't put it on silent for the podcast?

I normally do. I must have just clipped the, uh, rude— sorry, sorry everyone, it's just reminding me there's a session in 10 minutes.

Oh, do you? What you got?

I got, um, Ronnie Hot Whopper. Staffy? Yeah, he's a Staffy, isn't he?

Yeah, Ronnie would be a Staffy. Yeah, for sure. Pistachi with just a smidge of Labrador. His grandma decided to get a pop, go for a posh chick. Great granddad, yeah, wanted a bit of chava. Oh, that's funny. That is funny. Do you want to talk about dogs or just— really, any CTAs to give? No. Any Chocomel shoutouts? Shout out to Chocomel. Oh yeah, we're in talks with two sponsors for the podcast. Um, actually, I need a player sponsor for the upcoming rugby season, actually.

So this is gonna be— that's big.

Yeah, I've given it a lot of talk and I was ready for a game. It got canceled. I was ready, my boots were polished, we were good to go. We've taken a whole fleet down to— the team bottled it. So they heard you, we know why. Yeah, they heard us.

Did you feel punished by that, or did you— were you disappointed?

Yeah, for sure. I had a lot of build-up and anticipation to it, you know. I've been giving it big since you're in Australia, haven't I?

Oh yeah.

So I'm like, oh, I'm gonna play, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. I said so much, and then literally May was like, you better You know you have to do it now, don't you?

Yeah. But not only do you have to do it, but you've gotta be alright as well. Oh yeah, I will be.

Yeah. So— One podcast is gonna be pure highlight reel.

Oh, brilliant.

Gonna drag Susie down.

She's gonna be like, "What the fuck?" Can we do a video review? We'll get it up here and I'll be like, "What did you do? Right shoulder?

Should be left shoulder, dickhead." "Your head's on the wrong side of the tackle, you fucking whopper." "Oh, has he fucking stepped you again, dickhead?" Oh yeah, so that'd be funny. We— Kirkie and I have had a chat. The club I, I'm gonna— it would be weird, I think, if we sponsored myself. It'd be like trying to suck your own cock, I think.

Same, exactly the same.

Which is weird, I guess. I guess you'd probably try it once if you could, I guess. What do you mean? Yeah, but we've all tried. We've all tried at some point once, realised it wasn't gonna work, and moved on with our life.

Even if you wouldn't have gone through with it, just out of curiosity, you could.

Would I? Do I have the power to, if push comes to shove?

Yeah.

If I—

yeah.

You're probably trying on the regular at the moment. You've been going to Pilates and shit, trying to loosen the big boy up.

Why do you make my back so sore?

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. So you need a sponsor.

Yeah, sure. Sponsor. I don't know. I don't know. I think your name just goes next to my name on the team sheet or something.

Could we get you your jersey printed up with their name?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I don't know, but yeah, well, I'll probably figure out.

What about Ass Cheek of Shorts?

We'll give you a mention every episode on the podcast. I'll mention you on the Instagram once a month, we said, and post-game Interview, post-game interview. We'll have your logo on the banner and we'll put a little sign up, your logo on somewhere at the YCA. So if you're listening and you have a business, okay, I might sponsor you.

Just me, Kirky.

Sponsored by Kirky.

That's nice, isn't it?

Yeah, ideally, you know, some guy messaged me, he's like, I've got a dildo company, can I sponsor? Yes, yes! And he was like, I'm only joking, but I do have something, and it was boring.

And I was like, no, No, no, it's got to be a good fit.

Yeah, it's got to be a good fit. So yeah, if you're interested, yeah, let us know and, um, we'll sort you out. We'll really give you some genuine fucking serious hype on the podcast. Yeah, you know, actually, the club, to be fair, they're close to folding purely because they don't have fun. So not to pull on your heartstrings.

All right, what color is your jerseys?

Like a baby blue, I think. Yeah.

Oh, they'll suit that nicely.

Yeah, that's why I picked the team, to be honest.

I want to play for that color. Yeah, it makes sense.

Yeah. Oh no, I don't go well with red. Uh, yeah, this is the top of the league. No, no, no, no.

They're in a way strip or just the standard blue?

Yeah, I think it's mainly blue. I think, yeah, mainly baby blue. I don't know what else. A black away strip would be cool, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. So if you want to like put some cash down, the away strip will make it black and we'll put your logo on the strip. We'll call it— I don't know, I haven't checked this club at all.

Are they fitted shirts or are Saggy.

I have no idea. I've not played yet.

I've not shown up yet.

Yeah, it's because I play fullback. Usually the, the fullback jersey is one of the smaller sizes. Yeah, whatever reason, I'm a big unit, so, uh, I end up, uh, yeah, I've had to wear double digits in the past purely because I was too big for that jersey.

Yeah, you like got 10 but playing fullback because it's kind of like one.

Yeah, just with an extra number. Yeah. So anyway, it will keep you updated on how that goes, and, and hopefully—

should I be if I was you, when I went on loan to London, they got your shirt and you had to go to a tailor to get it tailored in. That's what I'd do if I was playing, if I was you now.

That's probably why London went bust though, innit? It's like unnecessary expenses.

Yeah. Did you? Yeah, it was tight too, you know.

But the kit wasn't even that good then, was it?

It was like, uh, it was Broncos. It was all right, it was quite good. I probably still got it somewhere. If I can get it, I'll bring it in. You try it on, maybe.

Maybe just as like a thing to do. What else would we do on a Friday Yeah, try on a big jersey, be like a— yeah, show me the shirt, cock it.

Oh yeah, of course.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah.

All right. Um, if we get a sponsor, I'll shirtcock it, take a photo, and put it on Instagram or something.

Yeah, beautiful.

I guess there's like 500,000 people we could show your brand to, and 20,000 people a month listening to this. Seems all right. Another 100,000 on YouTube will— because the podcast goes on the YouTube, and And it could be in the backdrop of, um, our other, like, our main YouTube channel as well.

Yeah, we could get a banner in there.

Do you want to put a banner?

Yeah, put it.

We'll put a banner for you in there. It's another 100,000. 40, 42,000 on Facebook. We'll stick it on the Facebook page.

Yeah, nice.

We're talking exposure.

Exposure.

Just like, not indecent exposure. We're talking decent exposure.

Yeah, nice.

Yeah, there you go.

Decent in both senses of the word.

So there's the offer. Fire us a message.

I got an offer. If you too fancy writing a review like— I don't know who that review was of. Of that guy.

The guy with Simba.

Um, oh yeah, Ash. Ash. Yeah, yeah. Um, obviously if you want to be as happy as that guy at the end of the week, come to our boot camp. Come to boot camp. Or end of 8 weeks.

Yeah, I thought you were making it 4 weeks now.

I'm going to.

Yeah, there you are. That will be soon.

4 weeks. Yeah.

So if you are an online person, I think it's mainly dog trainers that listen to this nowadays, or just like keen fans or something.

In which case, if you want to be able to achieve fucking reviews like that Do that.

Do the Dog Trainer Development Program. Or if you can already achieve reviews like that, do my business mentorship program.

Yeah.

And I will just make sure you're paid accordingly.

But basically, because even if we get you to the point you can train a dog, you've still got to get Ash to come and see you to give you a review.

Yeah. Ask her, know you exist. And, um, yeah, there you go.

Seems to make some logical sense.

Cookie's got a session now. I've got a webinar. It's been a pleasure to have you as always. I'm sorry if you're expecting any sort of value from this podcast, but you If you, if you got this far, you're probably fucking not in it for that by now. So I just, I guess we'll wrap it up. Yeah, say bye, Ian.

Bye, Ian.