EP 97: I Hired an Etsy Witch...

We got the alcoholic dog walker back.

I've been in rehab.

She's graduated from dog walking.

Entirely.

Entirely.

Have you? Yeah.

I'm coming to work for you now, aren't I?

You're coming to work for yourself, yeah.

Alongside.

In partnership, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

That's what we'll say.

Which is exciting, isn't it?

Very exciting.

South Coast Canine Academy ready to launch. Hence why you're here right now, crossing some T's, dotting some I's, filming some content, training some dogs, getting some gyp, creating some gyp.

Yep.

Getting given a lot of shit.

Yep. Getting a bit of shit.

Getting a bit of abuse, really testing the minerals this week.

Yeah.

You've looked tired.

Right.

Not like Tuesday, you said you were tired.

People have got to stop saying that. Think it, don't say it.

Yeah, but you said it.

I'm allowed to say it about myself. Don't tell me I look tired.

I am so fucked. All right, fair enough.

No, you've been busy. You have every right to look tired as you do.

Maybe not 2 days in though.

I've been here a week. You were like, "I don't like it." "I don't like it." Well, I will say I've been working 2 jobs for about 2 months, so.

Fair enough.

You brought it up.

No.

I'm just saying.

You look tired.

No, she said you can't say that. I think she's going to attack you.

I'm tired.

It's like the Ford Ranger all over again.

Do you know what might spruce you up a little bit?

Some bed.

Oh. Yeah.

Some bed. Yeah, okay, just—

You wanna go on holiday? 12 minutes. 12 minutes.

Or—

some caffeinated desserts.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Thank you. But first, what I think we really need to do —is give our sponsor a shout-out.

Yeah.

And guys, if you haven't noticed already— You'll see here we've got a couple of fresh utensils.

Are they in shot?

Not yet.

No. So I had to hide mine.

Fair enough. A couple of fresh utensils from the K9 Carpenter, and I think this could be an all-time gag.

Yeah. We literally said in the kitchen when they arrived, "That's all fucking time." Yeah.

It could be with ease.

And it proves that someone listens to the podcast as well.

Yeah. Even if it's just us. It isn't Poppy, it isn't Sean. There's at least a fourth guy.

Which is the best. That's, yeah, brilliant.

So, once upon a time, I jokingly said, well, I guess it's no longer a joke, is it?

No.

I jokingly said the K9 Carpenter— do you wanna grab a sign over there, mate? Give him a shout out.

Nice, Kels.

Kels rubbing legs with me.

Kels ready?

Uh, you're married? Yeah, yeah, just hold it there. "K9 Carpenter would chisel you a giant, veiny, triumphant wooden cock." And... Not only has he chiseled us out some...

One, but two.

Yeah.

Phalluses.

Phallus-eye. I don't know if you can see this, but they actually have veins as well. Which is incredible.

It's really intricate detail. He read the note.

Lucas, would you run to the kitchen, sorry, and get the note that he read for us?

Oh, he didn't do though. He didn't put like front, back, top, or bottom on it. Yeah, but it's also mentioned in the note.

Ah.

Yeah. Which is just— So, if that's not an advert, I don't know what is. I like his little, um—

Sticker at the bottom. At the bottom there.

He's got his sticker on. The attention to detail's phenomenal.

He's actually written "Fjord." Yeah, it really is. I wonder what type of wood it is. I'd like to know. Maybe you could reach out and let us know about that.

Balsamic.

Look, Jacob. There is a balsa wood. That's very light.

Dear Jacob and Kirkie, spelt your way, not mine. We would like to present to you, with affection, poor judgment, and absolutely no warranty, your very own novelty wooden penis spoons. You'll know whose is whose. Each time you hold them, please think of me.

That's the best bit.

I must confess that I remain uncertain which side constitutes the front, back, Or indeed the top. As their creator, this is probably concerning. However, one thing I am certain of is cleanliness. So remember, boys, when you finished, remember to wipe your tip with a damp, soapy cloth. Yours faithfully.

Fair enough.

The Canine Carpenter.

Amazing.

I know. You can't fault it, boys. You just can't fault it.

Are the spoons removable?

I think they need to go on the website. I think he needs to make them an official product.

He should, yeah.

No, you just gotta— No, they're in.

'Cause it feel like it might get a bit gacky in there.

It's a novelty cock spoon, Kelly.

It's bound to have a bit of discharge at some point.

Look at that.

Yeah.

Mine's got— Sorry. Ooh.

How deep are you gonna go?

I don't— I couldn't do that.

No?

I can't open my mouth very wide.

Try at least. There you are.

And my spoon's bigger as well, though. Yeah, I know, so it's gonna take me a while, 'cause I've got— Brilliant, well, I mean, Kel's got—

I don't have that much go.

Yeah. As if we couldn't find an actual spoon.

It's kind of like appropriate for your mush size though.

I mean, I don't know what type of wood is it. Yeah, I do. Service up, Kirkie. I always service up. I wanna see your culinary skills.

We going Thursdays or what?

No.

That's a whopper for Thursdays. That's a whopper.

Someone else might want some. Well, nyew. I've got high hopes for this tiramisu.

It's Waitrose, you should have high hopes.

Yeah, I know. We don't even have them up north. In fact, I think there's only one up north.

We don't have a Waitrose in Hastings, so I was thrilled. Where do they go? Meenden? Meening?

Meanwood.

Meanwood, yeah.

Oh right, you've got it locally.

Mm.

Oh, thanks. That's Kelly's spoon, by the way. Yeah, I know, I know.

Oh, it is sponge on the bottom.

Is it?

Hmm. She know that, look.

She rawr.

You've actually done a pretty good job. For a clattery type of guy.

It's not terrible, is it?

Nope.

It's not the easiest thing to eat with. Like, I've had a few goes with it. I can see now why not all spoons are cockspoons.

Now I'm here, if I may just make a suggestion. That you don't cham so close to the microphone.

No, you've already said this before. I heard your fucking suggestion. Guess what? I fucking ignored it.

So, the point—

When you're sat in the bar, all you can hear is these two going— It's vile.

Right. Stop talking.

This is so unnecessary.

Not the right group.

Yeah, how is Jacob Morgan necessary though? Pencil whip it.

That is a good tiramisu.

Terrible. It's not terrible.

That's alright, innit?

Yeah, maybe a bit heavy on the choccy. Has it got chocolate mousse in it?

No. So it's definitely not heavy on the choccy because there's no choccy in it.

Heavy on the booze.

Mm, a bit. It's alright.

Oh God, you'll be off in 5 minutes when Ian's pissed. Ian. Ian. And Kelly.

Is someone else having some, are they?

And Kel's cracking on.

Someone look—

Straight out of rehab.

Right, so we do have a bone to pick with you that we've been saving for the podcast.

Okay.

There is a bone to pick, is it? You probably should tell the story. You got outed not too long ago and got caught out on social media, didn't you, in regards to, um—

Oh, the witches.

Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were talking about the other thing.

What other thing?

The modeling thing.

Oh! Yeah. To be fair, okay. We'll just quickly throw that in there. Turns out— We can get a picture up here. Turns out Ellie's a terrible—

Perfect. There we go.

Can we tell that story real quick? You was very proud to tell it over dinner last night.

I wasn't that proud to tell it over dinner.

We couldn't shut you up! We couldn't shut you up, yeah.

I didn't wanna hear it.

It was getting awkward.

I was like, "Come on, we're mates." I know.

"You're married." Meanwhile, we're actually talking about someone else's breasts to begin with.

Fine. Okay, fine.

Fine.

Yeah. Not ours. Anyway, but go on. You piped up.

Alright, well, someone who—

Pretty pleased with that, to be fair.

We were with was talking about having a surgery in the breast area.

Yeah. Augmentation.

And you two were chiming in. Obviously.

We wouldn't.

About how big that should be in regards to fruit. Look, guys.

We wouldn't.

You opened the can of worms.

That does not sound like us at all. No.

If we're gonna tell the story, we'll tell the whole story.

Oh, God.

Alright.

You two were talking about it and saying potentially you should take the fruit of choice to the surgeon to tell them this is the size I want. Not terrible concept. And I said, when my sister got her tits done, she took them as a picture of mine and said, I want them to look like this.

It wasn't as casual as that. Like, there was kind of—

Poppy Pink. Yo!

Turn it back to her.

This is when you're gonna get a text from Poppy next week. Hi, do you have that picture of your tits?

There was more—

If you ask my sister, she'll probably send you a picture of hers.

There was more gesticulation than that though.

What was the name?

You kinda like pushed us all aside and went, "Wait, wait, wait." Yeah.

This is a real Jacob version of the story.

Yeah, no. That's true. "Wait, wait, he was just about to take our order and she—" Shut up! Shut up! I'm telling a story. I'm telling a story.

And then I stood in front of the man and I whipped my tits out and I said—

Look at these.

What do you reckon?

Seriously.

Women have modelled themselves off this before. Singular woman. A woman.

We don't know that. No, no, no, because someone might have modelled their tits—

On my sister's tits.

Yeah. And you were like the original, the OG.

Or someone might have sent their surgeon.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're the mould. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. So it could be— you could be prolific now.

Your mum threw away the recipe after you, you know? Crazy bitch. Finish your tiramisu. Yeah. Do you wanna hear the witch story? Yeah, we do. The witch story is that— Okay, but we're just getting you bragging about your tits.

I don't know if it is bragging.

Are you actually mad about the witch story?

No. I could pretend to be. No, I find it hilarious.

Okay.

I find it absolutely hilarious. So go on, tell the story. Tell the full story and how you got found, like how you got caught out, because to be fair, and shut the fuck up a second. She struggles with that. We, you, give us the whole fucking wedding spiel. When was it, yesterday? You asked for it. Fine and we enjoyed it. You left out the fucking witches.

Yeah, you did.

You didn't ask every other little fucking tiny detail.

No, I did not. Not true.

You did.

I will make sure— It was a detailed account, wasn't it?

Yeah, it sounded it from the account that you told.

I didn't get invited.

Yeah, he actually commented about that.

You would never have been invited to my wedding.

What do you mean?

That's not what you said yesterday. You said—

That's not what you said.

I wasn't really friends with you. You then, and we weren't close enough friends then. And also, if I would have invited you, there is no way you would have come to a social event.

You wouldn't have.

I would have if he would come.

There you go.

He wouldn't have come.

I would have.

There was witches there, but you didn't—

They weren't there.

Right, okay.

But one of the guests did think that my husband's sister was one of the witches.

Okay, that makes sense. His name's Khan, so I can imagine what his sister looks like.

Um, no offense.

What's her name? What's her name?

Khan's sister? Yeah.

Cody. Yeah.

Why is that a witchy name?

It's not witchy, it's just fucking parents' like drugs name.

Only one of them. None of them ever listen to this.

50%.

I don't know whether they would. Although my dad texted me today, he was like, oh, like, I don't speak to my dad too much, but he's like, how's things going? Oh, I watch you and Kirky on YouTube every week. You guys are funny.

Oh, so he does know how it's going.

Yeah, so we should try and have a conversation, I think.

Yeah, that's nice though.

All right, yeah, guess so.

All right, do you wanna know about the witches then? Yes. Right, so the wedding relied quite heavily on—

No, listen, I wanna know how you got fucking found out first.

All right, okay, so last night I get a text from Chloe just saying, "Oh my God." Pink Chloe appeared.

GM. Gaffer.

And then she was typing for ages and I was like, "What's coming here?" And she was like, "Not me talking to Kirky about the Etsy witches today, going back to find the original video." and then finding this in the comments. This is who she found in the comments of the video.

We got a screenshot?

Yes.

Brilliant.

South Canine Academy.

But it wasn't—

Not Kelly. No, not Kelly, the pisshead dog walker.

No.

I don't use my personal account.

South Coast Fresh Canine Academy.

It was before the account was that.

Okay, but what is it now?

It's now South Coast Canine Academy.

It wouldn't say on the post, it says that, doesn't it?

Yeah, it says that I hired witches. Yes. I don't know, I think that's kind of endearing. Okay, well— Yeah, fair enough. Dog trainers have personalities too. I don't really have a problem with it. Okay, so the wedding relied on being outside. I kind of liked it. Quite heavily. Yeah, fine. And the weather leading up to it was really, really bad. And it wasn't changing. And I was getting stressed. Did it take a little bite? No. Really makes me uncomfortable chomping into the microphone. You finish it.

Just— It'll feed you with it. See, you knew that was gonna happen.

Oh, I really don't want that to happen.

Eat it.

I really don't want that to happen.

It went different last time, didn't it?

It did, yeah.

Go on. Go on. Go on.

No, no. Too far.

There we go. Right. We were relying on weather, 'cause we've got an outside thing.

Outside bits. Rollercoasters and shit. Yeah, we hired a theme park. Which is amazing. It was amazing.

Did the theme park come to you?

No, we went to it. So we got married in the Fisherman's Museum, and then we went down the street to the theme park.

We're gonna need pictures of all of these people. Fisherman's Museum.

£36. Yeah, and they probably spent £30 on candles, if you remember. Yeah, I'm thinking what's this one?

I fucking lost the fucking bell.

Which Carl's mum actually forgot to ring at the end. Oh, that was horrific.

Must have been livid.

Yeah, I fixed that. Not to be rung.

Anyway, I was worried about the weather, so naturally I found out that you can hire an Etsy witch to cast the spell for quite literally anything, but famously for weather.

When you say found out, give me the route of finding that out.

We went into our friend's pub. I was having a conversation about being stressed about the weather.

Of course you're in the pub, you're having a few.

Obviously. Lead up to the wedding. She was fucked up at the time.

Calm the old nerves. And she was like, "Oh, you should look at Etsy witches for the weather." 'Cause I was like, "Bury a sausage, that's the thing." We buried— we did that anyway.

What does that mean?

You used to bite.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can't just— let's not just brush over that.

Puppy cuts.

What?

Never heard of that.

No.

Right, so the day before— it's like really good luck. The night before your wedding, near— and there is parameters, so you can't just bury a sausage anywhere. It's supposed to be near the venue of your wedding. You bury a sausage. I have a question. Is that a euphemism? No. Okay. Literal Richmans.

So he's not— Literal Richmans?

Is that actually a sausage, or are they kind of fake, aren't they?

Well, I don't know.

Does it matter what type of sausage? Did you make 12? Why 12? Not just one fucking one. It's in the market.

My friend Tilly bought an entire pack. We chopped them up and then we put them all in different holes on the seafront.

Cooked first or not?

Cooked.

Raw. Raw. So were you gonna—

And then veggie or— Actuals. Actuals.

Actuals or Richard Dawkins?

Honestly, Google it.

Yeah, it's a thing. No, right. Yeah.

Scientifically proven thing. Yeah, well, you know.

Yeah, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.

We'll say yeah. But what does it do?

If it works, it works.

What's it for?

To make it nice weather the next day. Okay then.

I've got many— keep going though. Okay.

I'm gonna zip it, but go on. That was my original plan.

But obviously, at that point, night before the wedding, you're cutting it quite close close to the line.

Like, if the sausages don't work, potentially fucked the next day.

Yeah, and it's probably likely they would work, obviously, but just in case they don't work—

just in case they don't work. Yeah, then my friend Alice was like—

down the pub. How much had you had to drink at that point?

I think we'd only just walked in, right?

So 2 to 3.

Couple of shots. Couple of shots. Zambucas and that?

Just whiskey for breakfast at that point.

Yeah, okay.

Uh, so then she was like, you should pay an Etsy witch. And I was like, tell me more. I'm into woo, bit of me.

Fine.

Go on Etsy, thinking it's going to be expensive, and I'm thinking, how much am I willing to part with for this Etsy witch? If it's like £80, maybe not. £16.

It does seem like— it seems suspiciously cheap.

But it was like a rush buy in the beginning, so I paid the original Etsy witch £16.

Yeah, and then the process from there. I need to know the customer journey here.

So you have to say to the Etsy witch in the description on when you buy it where you're getting married, what day you're getting married.

Yes. How specific do you have to be in the location?

Postcode.

Like both parts of the postcode or just the first half? Both parts. Right.

Postcode.

That's fairly specific.

Date. You and your partner's name. I think that was it. Bank account. Well, that's the next bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I gave her the description. A day later, what?

Just imagine if this worked as— I'm not saying it didn't work.

It did work.

And we'll get to that bit. Okay, fine. But imagine if it was like the postcode area is like 300 metres across. It's pissing down everywhere else and there's just a hole of bright blue.

Right, okay, so at one point, we saw a gigantic dark cloud pass Over the wedding, not a drop of rain, and it only rained whilst we were getting married inside, which actually is quite magical. Magical. It was quite magical.

Go on then.

We can't say it didn't work.

We paid the original witch.

You pay the original witch. You send details.

I send details.

Is there like a form or what?

You just put it in the description when you buy it on Etsy.

Oh, so you don't even have to have liaison with the witch?

No, then she sends you an email confirming the spell has been cast. She tells you exactly what she did in the spell, the crystal she put out, the words she said. Could you please get the email up now or no? Maybe.

Oh no, my phone's in there. I mean, it's only in there.

Yeah. It's not like a Suzanne.

It's kind of integral. In my bag in the dog food room.

Dog food room.

You can have this back now. Okay.

You can probably see it off whilst we're here.

Okay.

Do the whole thing in one.

Do the whole thing in one.

Yeah, I could.

Yeah, yeah, cut it. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Stop it.

It's gross enough that I'm eating into a microphone.

Yeah. No, it's fine.

You're trying to do it as quietly as possible so you're not affecting—

It's basically like—

You're just mushing it to the ceiling of your mouth.

To be fair, you don't really need to chew here, I'm assuming.

No, you don't, but we manage it somehow. It's—

You boys—

It's a miracle.

Do chew it.

Chopsy para lads, you two, aren't you?

Yes.

Eh. We're like two little fucking Frenchies.

Oh shit. It might not actually be in my bag, it might be in my coat. Sorry. In your coat? I think it might be in my coat pocket. Do you want me to just run and get it?

Your molten coat.

Yeah, run and grab it. Yeah. Have you got it?

Uh... Really, it should be more like...

Mm. Yeah, okay, wait a minute.

Can you all be kind of looking at each other at the same time in the eye?

You can get two hands on yours and kind of like...

Mm, I really...

Do you like cookies?

Yeah.

There you go.

Okay, this is the— You have to download something, but— Yeah.

Do you do it right? Is that how you do it?

I think so.

I'd want a more hands-on approach, I think.

Would you? Oh, that was just the start. Oh, you did— I was warming you up.

Great.

I'm kinda disappointed they don't have bowls. But—

Well, there's nothing to say you can't make more.

I've ordered a third.

Yeah, nice. Ask if that one can have balls.

Okay. Oh, you also had to— I had to tell her what we were doing on the day. And I had to tell her what exact weather I wanted. I'm married. And she asked for photos.

Of what?

Of the weather.

This is the original witch.

Yeah, if you want this spell to work, we're gonna have to see your phenomenal tits here, Kelly. No, thank you. No, no, no, no, the witch. That was me being the witch.

Oh, right, okay.

Obviously. No, still no. No? Well, enjoy the rain. Enjoy dump. I would rather enjoy the rain. Fair enough. The first one, I can't find the email with the exact spelling. She said, thank you so much for your order and all the information. I just cast the spell and had the Saturday in my mind. That is fairly loose.

Yeah.

Yeah, but there was another—

I did a Saturday spell. You said Saturday, right?

Well, I did the weekend. You have to download it. The second one said— We'll get to the second one in a minute.

Okay, so there was two witches for the second one. She's here, is she? She's here. 12 sausages, 2 witches.

You could bring it up there.

Because if anyone does wanna hire them, I would hire the second witch. This one. What in the fuck? The second witch said, "Thank you for trusting me to complete this very special blessing." The spell was cast with my strongest intentions. You can now download your blessing located in your purchases.

Brilliant.

Oh, that'll be where it is.

That'll be where it is.

Oh, that's where it is.

Wishing you all the best with love and light. If you feel inspired, please consider leaving me a positive review. If you have any questions or concerns, please reach out to me directly. I'm here to assist you with kindness and gratitude. I did leave a review, I think. Not the other one though.

Okay, she moved on. It was a good one since it worked out.

It was a cracking review, yeah.

Could you ask for a refund if it pissed down or what?

Probably, I guess so, yeah. But, you know, I probably have other concerns on my mind then, rather than get my £16 back.

Yeah, nice. Yeah, but who—

you don't actually know which one worked.

Yeah, you don't even know if it was the sausages. That's my point.

How do you know?

What variables are going on?

Here's how I know which one worked. In my mind.

In your mind.

In your opinion. So I paid the original witch.

This is science.

This and the light. How much was the original witch?

£16. They were both £16. Right. Which is great value. See, that's why I was willing to part with it, 'cause I was like, it's a gamble, but if it doesn't work, it's only 8 quid.

Did you find more witches, and were they similar price?

Yeah, they all charge around the same. You tell them to put their prices up.

Alright, I'm thinking it now, like wedding day ritual.

This could be a new avenue for you.

If you're crazy enough to bury sausages, you'd probably spend more than £16.

That's true, innit?

If one day—

You'd have spent £49.

But if you could genuinely guarantee that it was gonna work, You'd spend a lot on that wedding day weather.

Yeah, people spend a lot on napkins and shit, so weather's a big part of it.

Fucking even the type of fucking writing on the card, like—

Yeah. That's dumb.

It's true, though.

Yeah, you can hire some special autistic kid just to write your cards out, and they're not cheap.

No.

Autistics. How do you know they're autistic?

How do you know they're not cheap?

It's a stab in the dark.

[LAUGHTER] What? No, if you're that good at something, you gotta be a smidge.

Anyway, back to the witch story. Yeah. Right, so I paid the first witch.

You don't have fucking much more than could be.

Couple days later, the weather on Met Office still hasn't changed, so then I revisit my purchase and I check her reviews, and they're a bit of a mixed bag because I panic-bought her.

Obviously.

So then I went back onto Etsy and I found a more reputable witch.

Unlucky witch.

With better reviews, and then I paid her, and then I am not kidding you, Within a couple of hours, Met Office weather changed. It was looking sunny and good, and I was thinking, it's worked. That's my witch.

Nailed it.

Yeah, that's my witch.

Nailed it.

Yeah, and then on the wedding day, bloody gorgeous. So I don't regret my purchase at all.

No, if anything, it's made a good podcast. How specific did you get?

I ruined the wedding speeches. So then, this is how the witch part came about, because then Chloe texted me last night and was like, look who I found in the comments. With that, because I was talking to Kierkegaard today about Ursi, which is— it's you.

Yeah, look.

And there I was.

So we were talking about this on the way back from Higgery's. Mm-hmm. And it's like, how specific do you have to be? Because you know those jokes where people say, "Oh, I wish for a giant cock," and they get the fucking—

Big chicken.

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, still the meme up here.

Did you have to be like, "I want it to be sunny but not fucking raining magma." And what's the limit?

Is there black magic involved? Can we do some voodoo?

Voodoo? I don't think they sell black magic, no. Just white witches.

Yeah, but if you go on the dark web, surely.

Yeah, you can find anything there.

Like a dark Etsy.

Yeah. I want some fucking Amazonian tribes people fucking chanting over—

Smashing, like, ayahuasca and fucking going crazy.

I think they were just, like, Californian women sat in their homes with crystals.

But we can't say it didn't work. Can't say it didn't work. But we can't say which one did work either. —No, for sure.

For £32, just buy both and hope for the best.

How much were the sausages though?

I didn't pay for them.

£4. But someone would have, probably, unless they shoplifted them.

It's called £36 all in for decent weather at your wedding.

Yeah, fair enough.

Worth it. But it could have been £4 if it was the sausages.

Yeah, but you're probably just worth taking the pantomime all for.

That would have then, the money left over would have paid for the Fisherman's Museum.

Candles. Yeah. Yeah, you can have a whole venue and decent weather for like fucking 40 quid all in.

Yeah, it was the best day.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, you wish you were invited to that wedding. It was fun.

Yeah, we keep— you keep running into it. Yeah, yeah, you're making out like we brought it up. We were happy that we weren't. We were not. We literally said, like, rubbing salt in the wound.

Table salt.

You kind of are. You wouldn't have wanted to come.

How do you know that? I went So in fact, it was you who— I don't know what the term would be.

I went places. Oh, what, you became sociable?

Yeah, fuck yeah.

And everyone was shooketh when you came back. Yeah. 'Cause you went out for dinner. Multiple times.

And breakfast. And breakfast. Yeah. And then in the fucking Singapore airport, went shopping on my own for his t-shirt. Spoke to 2 people.

Oh, okay. I was gonna say, going shopping on your own isn't the sociable then.

Is it not? There was other people there. Yeah. That he didn't know. Yeah.

I spoke to two of them.

That's usually what happens when you go shopping, unless you—

Oh God.

Go to a desolate town. With no one else in it.

Yeah, fair enough.

Tell us about your dog then. New boy.

Where you got fresh dog?

Chancey boy.

Yeah, he's nice. How do you— How do you spell that? Say it first.

Chance. Okay, now everyone in the comments, But just pause this video and spell the name— Chance.

Chance. That is because everyone down south will say Chance. Everyone up north will say Chance. Chance. No, Chance, yeah.

Chance. Yeah.

You said it the same way to us. Everyone down south says Chance, everyone up north says Chance. Um—

What'd your grandma say?

She actually spelled it Chance in a text to me, but then she corrected herself.

Where's your grandma from?

London, Wembley.

Yeah, but she knew though. She was like, oh yeah, you've put an R in there, so yeah, okay, I'll put an R in there out of respect. And then she realized you used to be Chance.

Chance.

He's great, by the way.

I think, yeah, he's a really good boy.

He's really cute. I love him a lot.

Yeah, he's a lovely boy. I would bring him in here, but he would smash it up in here.

He wouldn't, he's pretty good.

He's real calm.

Yeah, he's all right.

Good boy, you've suppressed the fuck out of him, so.

In only one week.

Yeah, no, he says come in next week, he's like, "Tiger, put him on a—" Yeah.

Good boy.

Singaporean tiger.

Yeah, nice.

Just shout out to our mate Liam in Australia with his dog. What was his dog called? Oh yeah.

Was Enzo?

Yes.

I think it was.

Yeah, good bloke, good dog. Just, we forgot to mention him in the last podcast.

So really good guy, really, really good dog. And he goes to dog parks.

Yeah, this is incredible. This is actually a decent talking point, which I wanted to talk about.

320 days a year that he's saying. Yes. And his stats are— Give more context.

320 days a year, he goes to dog park for how many hours?

Minimum of 4 hours a day. 4 to 7 hours.

Yeah.

Not 47.

Just him and his dog?

Lars, mainly. Or someone and his dog. Sometimes his, um—

I think he has a boy, a young boy.

Some other guy.

4 hours all in one stint?

Yeah.

Yep. Oh, sometimes he splits 2 in the morning, 2 in the evening.

Yeah.

Like a split shift.

Okay.

He has a WhatsApp group of all his doggy friends.

Yep.

And they go to the park and they meet, and they just wop around for 4 hours straight.

That's kind of what everyone wants. Everyone wants to do there really, isn't it, with their dog? Yeah.

And in that period of time per year, only 4 septus, 3 of which were just the classic handbags, only one of which was like a devastating—

there's only been one death. But like, those are pretty good odds. But there was a dude— there's worse odds in my living room.

Has he told me that? Gonna start advocating for dog parks now.

No, no, no.

We're just saying. Justice for Doug Parks.

Yeah, but he— so he told us this, and there was another dog trainer stood near us, and then you walked off, and then he told me the stats of like— and I was like, whoa. But then he also was like, look, it's my social life. Like, there's worse things for me to do. He enjoys himself, etc.

Yep.

And I went, you know what, 'If that's the stats, fucking keep doing it, mate.' Yeah. And the dude, the dog trainer, was like, 'Oh!' Blasphemy.

I was like, 'If that's the fucking stats, fine.' And then we got to meet the dog.

Yeah.

And it was genuinely one of the most well-rounded German Shepherds I've ever met.

Yeah.

And it could be he's well-rounded, so he's all right going there.

Mm-hmm.

It could be he's well-rounded because he's gone there. Yeah. We don't know for sure. The witches and the sausages. We can never really know the full story.

So many variables, yeah.

But great dog.

Yeah.

And those numbers, I guess, like, yeah.

I think one of the key things there, the team of dogs that go there are consistent. He said if a stray one, not an actual stray, but if someone just fucking—

Rando.

Comes over, they're all a bit like, "It's great." It's like a local pub. Yeah, yeah.

Speak in terms like 90 Stars.

Yeah, okay, fine, yeah. Yeah, you're local.

Yeah, okay. And everyone's like, oh, new person.

So they're probably— the consistency of it is probably what's—

how big is the dog park?

Like a field or— on the video? Yeah, decent size field. Yeah, they showed us some footage of it.

Yeah, it's not like a small enclosed area. No, it seemed to be things going on there. But yeah, our guys just stood there for hours on end, fucking waffling away. He could talk too, to be fair. Yeah, good though, like good talk, not like No, loved him.

Yeah, great. Very good bug.

Nice. Yeah, and just a great dog too. Yeah, big ends. Yeah, it was funny. I'm pretty sure you took a selfie on my work phone, so I might be able to put them two—

well, him, the dog, not Liam. We'll get a picture of Liam too. There's Liam as well. Yeah, yeah, there's Jacob. His Instagram soon.

Yeah, you follow each other now, don't you? Yeah.

Yeah, nice.

More friends.

I know.

Really well.

Crazy, isn't it? I'm up to 36 hours, no Instagram. Doing all right. Deleted it off my phone.

Are you actually?

Yep.

Okay, how's that? Inactivated my account.

How do you feel about that?

Fine. So far, so good. I think day 7 might get hard, just like any other dopamine addiction.

Nah, I think you'll breeze straight through it.

Yeah?

You're good at that sort of shit.

Yeah, I'll do 30 days just to—

Just say I can do it whenever I want.

Yeah, say I could do it.

And then go straight back to it.

Maybe, but at least then I know it's not a true addiction.

It was like a year ago when we were going to start smoking just to prove we could quit.

Yeah, I did and quit. Yeah, well, smoking weed anyway. Just started smoking weed all the time.

Yeah, you were smoking weed when I got here last time.

And then I just stopped it. Literally when you got here.

Yeah.

Oh, she's here again.

Yeah, I need this. We need this.

And then just one day, didn't even— Yeah, it was just like I was doing it most days and then just stopped, and then I just haven't touched it in about 12 weeks.

Do you know what I wish we could tell? Sleepytime's story.

Couldn't stop that shit though.

What story? I wish we could tell the Sleepytime story. Oh, I know, I know, I know.

We can't though.

No, I know.

Not yet.

No. One day. Mm-hmm. 'Cause it's so good. It is.

It is. And my asshole—

Is heavily involved. Yeah. To the best of your knowledge.

Yeah, yeah, a rumor.

Legend has it. Legend has it. Yeah, I still feel it.

Yeah, but it's a bit like that thing, you know, when— not like déjà vu, but you know when you're like—

repressed memories.

Yeah, and it's on the tip of your tongue and the nib of your brain.

Yeah.

And you're like, there was something, I'm pretty sure it was amazing, but I just don't know what it was.

That's exactly what happened.

Yeah.

Well, hopefully when I do a big shot of DMT or mushrooms or something, it'll all come flooding back. Yeah, maybe tap into the side of my brain. That's obviously—

you wouldn't do that because it's a Class A drug. But if you, if you were gonna do that in another country where, like, ayahuasca, I'm pretty sure that's legal, isn't it? So there's South America and rip into the fucking shit and fucking Yeah, it's a bit of you, that.

Yeah, all over it. Yeah. All right, anything else to report? Excited for your launch? When do you launch? 15th of June. We'll probably be— this podcast will probably be out by the time you launched.

Will it? Um, it's nothing. Computing.

Yeah, we've just finished our first boot camp. Yeah, how was it? Fabulous. Couldn't have gone any better. Everyone left crying with happy tears on Friday.

Nice. Because did you do a witch spell, or just because of your skills?

You will We'll never know which. But I will hire a witch.

Witch.

Are you gonna hire a witch?

Too many witches here.

Are you gonna hire a witch to bless the new venture?

I wasn't gonna, but now you put the idea in my head, might as well.

I think you probably should.

I think I should.

That is not a nice thing to say to someone. I think you should hire a witch. So hopefully your first week goes well.

No!

Like, that's the thing I'm allowed to say. I might hire a witch.

You're getting a bit touchy, right?

A bit touchy, yeah. She's really touchy.

You can't say she looks tired, but she can. Yeah. Oh yeah. You shouldn't say I look tired. I didn't say you look tired. You literally told me you were fucked.

It was the first thing you said when I sat down. And Matt yesterday, wherever he's gone. He was like, oh, you look tired.

That's not our fault. He kind of like— listen, don't, whatever you do, say that.

Did he stick my hand up his ass and start working his mouth?

Everything bad happens is both of your fault. It's you. You too.

No, just saying, like, I think it'd be fun if you did hire a witch, and then we'll put the receipt up on the podcast. It was just a bit of fun.

Yeah, okay, fine, I'll do it.

Alright, and if you get a video, can they not, like, do cameos? Like, I think they should.

What, I didn't show up to do that?

Yeah.

I think you should record the spell.

The spell, yeah.

And you can charge more. Do you know what would surprise me? Huh? That you didn't cut a ribbon in Perth.

Yeah, I know. Aw, do you want me to get you a ribbon?

Yeah, yeah, could you? Yeah. We'll get Tom Hardy down.

A yellow one. Yeah, he likes dogs. There you go.

Staffies and that. Big yellow ribbon.

Yeah, alright. Or we could smash a champagne, or they'd pull the cap off the floor. Remember the ships when you smash it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could do the sword thing.

Yeah, that's fun.

That's quite cool.

I've got a few swords.

I've got some champagne.

Obviously.

Obviously. Surprising you've not drunk it all. Shocking.

With the eyeballs. Oh, champagne in the eyeball, so fizzy.

I think we should do that in the first South podcast, do just a shot of champagne each through the eye.

Yeah, it's got to burn that, innit?

That's so fizzy. Stinging now thinking about it.

Yeah, especially if you get a really gross eyeball.

Have you ever had a glass of alcohol before? No, no, I've never done it in the eye, but I've snorted Aftershock before.

I swear you said you told this the last time I was on the podcast.

Could have been. Do you bring alcohol stories up?

You started it. Boozer. All right, anything else then? That's pretty much it.

That's a good— I'm excited to go down south and attack a boot camp there.

That'll be good.

Well, you know—

Will there be 3 boot camps simultaneously happening at any point?

Yeah.

We'll obviously have one here. South.

South.

Yeah, but I'm thinking when they've got a week off, but they'll have a boot camp at one of those. Yeah, next week their week off and then they're back on. So yeah, there'll be a—

yeah, so the week after next.

Yeah, that's cool, isn't it? How many you got in your first boot camp?

9. All right, how many in the second one? 8. So 8 plus— you could probably bump them to 17-ish here, plus a good 8 over there. There'll be a lot of—

bump them up if I got a witch. Yeah, you could.

Yeah. I was thinking about how cheap they are.

Just get witches.

I think hire a witch full-time to just put blessings over pretty much everything.

It's like Sunshine and marketing. Yeah.

Why bother if you've got a witch? Yeah, well, fuck the whole marketing theme off, 'cause apparently when it's sunny—

Mm-hmm.

You're okay. Oh, yeah, you don't have to do any marketing.

And you can control the sunshine.

And now you've got a witch. For £16, you can basically cover all our marketing.

Yeah.

So there you go. I'll go into the engine room after this and let them know.

So rather than paying, like, a— —Yeah.

We got a witch, you can fuck off.

A dickload a day on Google Ads, we can just pay like—

Everyone thought that they were gonna get replaced by AI. Nope, witches.

Witches. Yeah. Just a big team of witches.

Yeah.

Yeah. Crooked hats and that.

Yeah, do it with your dick spoon.

Yeah, alright.

That might be part of a spell.

Yeah. Yeah, do you know when you're doing your cauldron, can you— would you mind using my spoon? Yeah, yeah, sure.

Not Kat's piece though, just mine.

Just mine. Just my spoon.

Sorry.

Do you feel weird holding it? You look like you feel weird holding it.

It's like handing a cat to a non-cat person.

Yeah, you've already tried to feed me on this podcast.

99.2% of people love cock.

It's very light, isn't it?

Yeah, 99.2% of people.

It is the lightweight, um, lightweight version. Doesn't mean it's not ill-effective because it's, it's the hardness that matters.

Yeah, it's strong. It comes to cocks, I think. He hand did it, or do you think he was like on a lathe or—

Viscosity.

Vascularity? Yeah, vascularity, viscous.

They look a bit green in the right light as well, don't they?

In the right light?

Look at that from this angle, looks a bit green.

Maybe it's the wrong light.

Well, oh, maybe there's the green coming off this, that's green.

Well, all right then. So you're running our boot camp next week?

Will be, yes.

As an experience?

Yep.

Nice. Then you're gonna go straight back up into your own?

Yep, your own boot camp.

Brilliant. Back where I belong, down south.

Throwing you in the deep end.

Where we can add ours into whatever fucking words we want.

Yeah, then I can rinse you for the way you pronounce things.

Yeah, you can.

You said you would say Bath though yesterday. You wouldn't say Bath.

Fucking chance.

Yeah, I'm going down to Bath for a trip. Do we go down to Bath? I think I'd say Bath.

Yeah, you'd say Bath.

Bath.

You said Bath yesterday.

Adam would say Bath with an F.

Bath.

Yeah.

Which is also—

Free.

Something. It's a free.

Freddie's laughing, 'cause she's like, "Yeah, I am, I can say the same thing." Bath. Toast.

Toast.

Toast.

Toast.

Yeah, Fred would definitely say Bath.

And chance. 100%. 100%. Right, should we, um, wrap her up?

Yeah, wrap up. Yeah, all right, wrap it up.

Okay then, say the thing. Bye, Ian. Bye, Ian. Say it again. Bye, Ian. Bye, Ian.

Bye.