EP 98: Why You Think Your Dog is "Unfixable" (The Harsh Truth)

How you getting on, mate?

You sure?

Don't put it onto me. There you go.

That was good.

Please tell me that was on video. What do you mean? What is the point?

Pointing you, Lucas. Stop breathing.

Right, you going or what?

Don't let me forget about those.

What are you going to do, shout?

He liked that one.

I did. He liked that one.

There you go. Can I look less pale? Because I actually am quite tanned, but you make me look pale.

I don't know what it is, because you get this buffer on you.

Why do you go to sunbeds? I'm thinking about going. There's a sunbed here.

It's not anymore. They took it. They confiscated it.

Who?

Those are the best. I don't know, them in the office.

I'm going straight for a sunbed tomorrow. Yeah, I've been doing sunbed since I was like 18. I haven't had one for 2 weeks. Look how translucent I am. Yeah, apart from my legs, but that's probably just dirt.

Kind of looks more red there. I don't know where there's the lighting.

It was cold out, right?

More pressing matters at hand.

Firstly, that sounds really—

yeah, we're gonna actually throw a clip in here.

Is this the—

Yeah.

Brilliant.

I've grown.

Officially.

Oh, here we go.

I've officially grown.

High five.

Very concerning.

It's a bit concerning.

What are you doing?

Stop touching it.

It's got way further down.

It's the first time anyone's said that to you, isn't it?

Maybe not. I'm sure we'll talk about this later.

So aggressively, at least. 5, 6.

So somehow, in just a matter of a couple of months, I've grown a quarter of an inch.

And I'd like to genuinely— I reckon we've got a few listeners now, maybe 11 or 12. Yeah, there's some probability that someone in there will have some sort of medical knowledge.

Yes.

I want to know if it's worrying that he's grown by nearly an inch.

I'm sure you have.

I feel like that's something you shouldn't tell anybody. I would love it if you hadn't. You're gonna die.

Yeah, I'm not gonna Google it. No, I'm just gonna take the win of being like half an inch taller.

Long as fuck.

Lucas, can you get a tape measure? Can you find a tape measure, please? I'm actually willing to stop this podcast, take one of those fucking cameras off the tripod, go in as a gaggle, and remeasure her since yesterday. No, not since yesterday.

You've grown since yesterday.

Show my mom.

He's grown since yesterday.

He's grown since yesterday.

I'm gonna— yeah.

We might have to cut you down.

Yeah, it's gonna become too long. Give him the pink juice.

Oh God, you got a bruise on your leg as well.

I've got a lot of bruises on my legs.

He's looking for a tape measure. I'm now 2 weeks off the gram.

Full 2 weeks, is it?

Since— no, it's not 2 weeks deactivated, but it's 2— it's like a week I don't know, maybe I'm just making a week of not looking and then you deactivate it.

Yeah, deactivated your whole personal Instagram. Yeah.

Wow. Gone. I'm tired of letting it steal my potential.

Okay, it's a good call.

Like, going in for a generational lock-in, not gonna do that scrolling through boobs.

You've upset some people though.

I've upset a few people. I keep getting messages from people saying, why have you blocked me? Yeah, so I haven't. I've blocked everyone. Yeah, not actually blocked.

Yeah, it's not— I've not blocked anyone. Yeah, it's a grower.

Yeah, people need to stop in to touch your butt as well. Yeah, even if I did anyway.

What? You never really put anything of note on Instagram anyway.

No, it's just to stop me consuming it. There's actually scientific— there's actually science behind it. I don't think anyone listens to this podcast will care, but I care though.

Can you just quickly run down? I think I kind of know.

Yeah, it's just dopamine thieving.

Yeah, fair enough.

I need that dopamine to do a good job on the Western Front over here, so I feel like this is a repeat.

You have talked about this on the podcast before.

I think that was probably stop wanking or something.

No, you've definitely had an Instagram cleanse before.

I've never deactivated it though, so—

So wind your neck in.

Yeah, wind your neck in.

Wind it in.

All right, go on. All right, should we have a little look in the boxes, people? I got us a little surprise.

Okay, I will be honest, I've eaten a lot of shit today.

That one looked really heavy.

I just—

I feel the same.

If it's not great, I might not get through it.

Oh, what is it?

I think— Okay, I'm gonna be honest. I ordered these a couple of hours ago.

It looks like you ordered them a couple of years ago. What is that supposed to be? It's—

Well, it's clearly fucking toast.

It's toast.

It is toast.

At some point it was.

It was toast.

Now it's soggy bread. Oh no.

There's things around.

Is that ice cream or whipped cream?

Cream.

Are we supposed to eat it with your fucking mitts, or do you—?

No, you're meant to use it—

You're meant to use your dick spoons, mate.

How the fuck is my spoon gonna—

What's underneath it? Sis fluid.

How's my dick gonna shaft its way through this? Well anyway, it's tiramisu French toast. Amazing.

Can you pass me my dick? Yep. Whoa!

It's like a voodoo doll, I felt that.

Be a pal. Look, since you're so long now, you can reach that far.

I can.

Actually, this looks way better than the last one. How's Lucas getting on with that tape measure?

This is just gonna get all over my shaft.

He's gone to home base.

Oh, it's a different texture than I thought it would be. Like brioche-y, like a cake almost.

I think it is actually brioche.

Oh God, I hate doing that. It's not shit, but it's not as good as tiramisu. Yeah, I think I wouldn't have been using it. Yeah, no.

There you go. Okay, just close up, could you close up on that?

It's a bit dry. Even though it's really wet.

I can't get through it.

Does that make sense? I do know what you mean though. Yeah. There's no way I'm getting through the whole— Mm-mm. No? Slice. No. Nah, but some of that's because I've eaten a lot of Dairy Milk that started at quarter past 9 this morning. And a lot of Skittles.

The liquid is really cuspy. I'm not sure what to make of the liquid. It's like— Thick but thin. Cuspy.

I'm not a fan of the name. I've never even heard of the word. I've only heard of cusp as in on the cusp of something. Cuspy, like— What?

I think she's trying to say crispy, I think.

No, I didn't say crispy.

No? But you didn't say what you were trying to say though.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say.

You made it up. I made it up.

It's been a long week, everybody.

Andrew Huberman said "fuck off" in a podcast, so I feel like we're allowed to. No, no, leave it. Fuck it. Yeah, Andrew Huberman said it. He's got the most listened to podcast in the world. No, I know.

Well, you won't have to leave that in.

Well, no, just let us know in the comments, guys. Is it okay? Is it not okay?

I'm kind of eating the cream, but I am—

the tip is real creamy in that.

Yeah. Do you know what this needs?

Mm. Booze.

Booze? Mm-hmm.

It doesn't have much alcohol taste. You want some booze?

Mm-hmm. You need some booze? Yeah. If you were gonna have a drink right now, what would it be?

I got shot at with drinking again the other day.

A margarita. Mm. There he is.

At it again. Caught red-handed.

That's actually true as well, and you volunteered for that. It's not like we bought you a pint and stuck it in front of you.

Yeah, no, well, other people on the table— Owen had alcohol and no one judged him for it.

Because you're not an alcoholic.

He's actually actively trying to get over severe addiction.

He does CrossFit. Yeah. What difference does that make?

He does CrossFit with Koki's ex-misses. Exactly. Yeah. He does, he's a smug shit, isn't he? Here he is, the fucker. Do us a burpee, a waffle.

Fresh in from a CrossFit class.

I know. Is he in now? He's just arrived now, weirdly. That was crazy timing.

Is that what we're supposed to be eating today? Oh, I didn't enjoy that. Thanks for the offer.

No, it was terrible.

Wash it down with a couple of Skittles.

It was terrible. I'm gonna give it a fucking 2. Yeah, I mean, I don't know whether if we didn't even— 2, impressive. Yeah, maybe it's not fair.

I feel like it would have been worse if it would have been fresh because I feel like the bread would have been chewier.

Oh yeah, oh, it could have been way worse.

It could have been worse, to be fair.

We also forgot to rank last week, so if we could retrospectively rank last week.

The Waitrose one. This guy wasn't really into it. What? You fucking scoffed a lot.

Yeah, but I'm a greedy fat pig.

Yeah, I'm giving that a 9 out of 10 because I ate it the next day too. 7. All right, 7.5.

It was all right, it was good. All right, I'm still quite fond of the Nishi cheese one that we had. It was totally different to any of the other ones. I wasn't. And yet pleasing.

It was like ricotta. Mm. Mascarpone, but yeah, all right. Okay then, come on then, let's get to what we want to talk about.

Do we want to talk about anything? Are you excited about doing your first boot camp on home turf next week? You've done one this week. Yeah. Now experienced.

Yeah, it went all right, didn't it?

Yeah, it's quite good.

Everyone's in there now.

I thought it was gonna derail you by Wednesday.

I thought last week was worse. Cry and go home. Mate, Tuesday— Did you genuinely? Tuesday last week. Tuesday last week, I thought she was on the cusp.

She was cuspy.

Yeah, she was cuspy. She was cuspy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, there you go. Cusp worthy. Nah, nah. Hey, Jezza. Big Mabez.

We backed you. Yeah, Tuesday last week, thought you were probably gonna die. And then Wednesday you were super— 'Cause I just kept coming up with such stupid shit. Yeah, and you just looked like you were dying. You had a second wind.

That was the cusp.

I think you've been secretly drinking each morning like Popeye and spinach.

Since that Tuesday, that'll be it, morning.

I was almost at the end of getting weaned off, but aren't I better for it? Yeah, you are. Got back on the pints. You know, just a great big thing.

Back on the pints and that was it, yeah. When did we take her out for a pint? It could have been Tuesday.

I think it was Tuesday.

It isn't not true, is it?

It's not not true. No, I think it's, yeah. Fair enough, maybe alcohol is the way.

Yeah, I think you're about spot on there, Kels.

But no, you recuperated, didn't you? Yeah, I've recuperated. We did a fucking great job of the, um, the one day Kickstarter, didn't we? Oh yeah, fucking dominated that together. Yeah, and then you dominated this week.

Thanks.

Wow, compliment.

You're not gonna shit sandwich that, or— Nope.

I mean, if you're gonna invite me to No, you fucking dominated, dominated on Saturday and then dominated thus far. It's not quite the end of the day though. Yeah, like, get through the next hour and 20, you'll be all right. And then next week, home turf.

Yeah, you've got to be excited. I am excited actually. I'm really excited to go back and do finishing touches tomorrow. Yep, tomorrow.

Yep, got a finishing touch weekend ahead of you.

Yeah, might actually sleep up.

Are you going back tonight? Yeah, yep. Oh yeah, it's a long way, innit? I was looking at maps last night in bed and I was looking Yeah, so when I whinge about coming up here, it is warranted. It's 4 hours and 40 minutes.

If you come to see us though. Yeah, that was late last night.

And if you raw dog it, it's like 5 hours, but I probably won't make it all the way.

To be fair, it can't be any worse than the journey back from Gatwick the other week.

Can we talk about the thing you did last night or no?

Don't want too many people there, didn't you, sir?

Yeah, 2, I ain't fucking told 2.

They both sat there.

There wasn't too many people. It was the wrong person.

It was one of them was the wrong person. No. And you should have known better.

Maybe next week we won't say who and that you shook her hand.

We'll just say that person definitely doesn't listen to this podcast anyway.

I reckon they might. Really? Do they? I don't know.

That's why I just leave it in the back. Well, I will tell the story at some point because it's funny as fuck.

It is funny. Okay, fine, fine.

Yeah, and I promise that I will fucking—

Fine.

Oh, I've actually got a bone to pick with you on behalf of the staff here at YCA.

Go on then. There's a mutiny, there's a mutiny.

We'd like to talk while we're on air so everyone's on side about your staff waterproof jackets being absolute shite.

Well, do you know why that is?

Style over substance.

Can I just interject? They weren't bought as waterproof jackets. Yep. So the staff are then because they're wearing just windproof jackets and expecting them to be waterproof.

But you won't let them wear other jackets. Everyone's been rinsing me for my waterproof jacket.

Well, they're getting rinsed because they're getting wet, aren't they? Hahaha. Hahaha.

Hoo hoo hoo. Buy them all new ones that actually work. Yeah, fine.

Well, if we want to start playing those games We could mention brown fucking shoes. Hmm. Brown shoes? Oh yeah, if you want, I've got a fucking video. I almost ruined your entire punishment talk. You were mid-talk, it was amazing. I almost ruined it because I was sat there videoing shoes. And I nearly got up.

Well, brown shoes happened again this week. Yes.

What? How?

Brown shoes. It's gone a little dark, hasn't it?

This week. Oh God, he's gonna go Spider-Man.

Yeah, he's gonna. I wore very wet shoes today. Very, very wet shoes.

Yeah, because no shoes for like half a day.

Yes, because I didn't have black ones and you've got to wear black shoes here. I don't know how fucking hard that is. They're not black either. They need to come off. I need— I've been meaning to say something. Yeah, take them off.

Yeah, you can't get away with those. If I can't get away with my black ones with a bit of green on, that actually people who watch the podcast said should be fine, you can't get away with those?

No, they didn't say they should be fine. They said they were a good shoe. They said Ultra's a good shoe, but at no point did they say they were YCA verified. I know, I tried. I know you tried. I know you tried.

Yeah, there's a bit of green on those socks there.

Right, come on, we're going for a walk. Come on.

The height thing. Yeah, brilliant. It's like a Skittle for the road.

Nice. That looks like a swinger party weird drug tray. You would know, wouldn't you? Yep, you really would.

So no one can accuse me of going on my tiptoes. I think you've shrunk.

I'm not joking, I actually genuinely think that. I think it's the hair. He has, he's shrunk! Go on.

Yeah, you have. Okay, I don't know how I have. Not to the past point. Okay, so I've gained an inch, lost half an inch.

Gained 1, lost 3/4. That is a generous mark, sir. That is against the hairline.

You do it, do it.

I pushed it into his hair. Is that good or not? Is that good? I love you, I love you.

You are a 6-foot man, but even stood there you look short. Yeah, it's pretty accurate.

I just can't believe it.

Yeah, right, coming back then if it's accurate.

Yeah, unless you want to read that green box, Lucas. Any good? Accurate.

Is this got sound on? You could— we'll be able to hear.

Okay, now do your— do the honors. Kelly, do you want to come do this? Because you're obviously a non-believer.

Can you reach that?

I'm not non-believer, I'm I'm just saying, even stood there, you look short.

Make sure that's against the floor. Okay. And what mark are we going off? Okay, so what's that?

Look, you have to move your finger. Wait. Good girl. That's the mark you just made, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, 6'1".

Bang on the nose. I'll take it.

So how tall were you the other day though?

Making that— Yeah, I don't know how, because you're over 6'2".

The other day, yesterday.

Not tall, not short, but windy.

That is by far the best thing that's happened this week.

What time of day did you get measured? First thing.

Yeah, that'll be it.

Yeah. Okay, well, okay, because today you did some steppies as well, so you look compressed.

Oh God, this is— no one shrinks an inch.

Okay, the next podcast getting recorded at 6:00 PM.

Yeah.

6 foot 1 isn't short. It's not short, but—

I can take tall. It's just hard to believe.

You were described as the tall blonde lady the other day.

I am the tall blonde lady. That's accurate.

I'm glad we got that out of the way. I'm really glad that's finally put to bed. Put back the tower shortly, okay?

No, that can be explained. Your mic's red. Snogring. It can be explained by— anatomy. Yeah, alright, fair enough.

How do you explain the rapid growth then?

Oh yeah, you can't explain that, it's inexplicable. Unless— Unless.

Yeah. It's not inexplicable at all. This is a very reasonable, a very reasonable—

Yeah. But I'd like to think it's not that though.

Yeah, I'd like to think I just grew. I'd like to think I just grew and then shrank. Yeah. Like, "Ooh, it's all—" No, you're not. It's safe, it's safe. That's funny. What's that?

I think that might be my merch.

Oh, our merch.

They have got your merch.

I know, exciting, innit?

What is it?

Jumpers, t-shirts, hats.

Oh, we should get them out on the podcast.

Oh, like these hats?

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, go grab them.

What colour are those black ones? No idea, surprise. Surprise to me and surprise to you. Amazing.

That's good, isn't it? It is good.

It's fun, isn't it? Now I'll be able to put up my merch stand.

I went to the Raw shop in Leeds yesterday with my Perth sweater on, and the guy asked me if I was from Perth. Nice. There you go. I'm gonna go next week with my Singapore t-shirt on. Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Open it up for her and then let her unbox it like a—

Oh, this is— yeah, yeah, just slide over. Or like one of those—

what are those weird ASMR unboxings where they're like, "And then I open the box." And inside was a t-shirt.

Yeah, that's it.

Swap it with Skittle Dog. Skittle Dog. And Cockspoon. Skittle Dog and Cockspoon.

That's like, that's gotta be a Frenchie, right? It is a Frenchie.

It is a Frenchie. Brilliant. I'll look after Skittle Dog.

Specifically for you. That's for you, isn't it?

Right, here we go. Who bought this?

Us or you? Erm, I hope you.

What do you mean?

I want to pay stuff if I don't have to! Oh, that's good.

That's gangster, isn't it?

I think that looks so nice. Yeah, that's sick.

Who did that? You did? No.

Tony did it.

Tony does everything. Toni's good, doesn't she? Yeah. Sandwich 2021-26.

Ansoos, did you have a hand in this? She probably did, yeah. Aye yai yai. South Coast K9 Academy. Nice. Yeah, that's cool.

Can I have one?

If you want, do you want that one? Looks awesome.

I'll probably have it. Tiny guy over this way. There you go.

You can have the first one.

Can you put it on? Just for the sake of the video? Yeah. I feel like— I feel like it's—

I've eaten a lot of sweets today, don't you think?

I'm so excited, man. I'm so excited every time you take a sweet.

And hope last night's mystery guest Swatches.

I might ruin it.

Oh no, you will ruin it, but yes, we'll sell it in the description. Yeah, let's sell it.

Let's put that one on eBay.

Yeah, yeah, it looks good.

What are you saying?

Pull it right down. That looks weird. I'd leave it up.

I'd go for the top look. Yes. Yeah, yeah. There you are, mate. You can't, you can't, you kind of can't sort his chest out, Kels. Kelly, do not, whatever you do, touch his belly button. Actually, don't. He gets so angry.

He'd attack you as well. Do you know, when I was a kid, I used to be terrified of people touching my belly button because my granddad told me once that if you push your belly button, your bum falls out.

Yeah. Yeah, nice.

Nice. What a catch. Oh my God.

That is a calendar shot right there. You look like Marky Mark. It's gaming. Can we throw up Mark Wahlberg? Yes, please. Throw up young Mark Wahlberg.

There we go.

Oh, was this— I know, that's the one he just took off.

I was like, that's cool. I love that one. You ball. Thank you so much.

Yeah, pull your body. Yeah, Podcast One t-shirt. We'll stick the link in the description.

Seems so unnecessary.

Nice, mate. Good job. There you go. Any special guests watching that would like to purchase this t-shirt which smells of musk and testosterone, then reach out to us.

Don't make them like me anymore.

We'll keep that one on a special hanger.

Yeah.

That was exciting.

Are they all the same? Do they put everything in the same box? There are a few boxes. Yeah, I think that's just t-shirts, but Tony definitely said there were jumpers and hats too. Okay, cool. Hopefully we won't need the jumpers because it'll be so lovely and warm when I go home, unlike the weather that's been happening. Is it not warm there now? No, it's like this. It's going to be like 21 next week. That's it.

Oh, sorry. Okay, it's like magic.

And we've gone one step beyond, above and beyond, above and beyond to ensure the success of our new venture.

We have. Why wouldn't you? Why wouldn't you?

It's got a decent proven track record, amazing reviews. Yeah, over 6,000 5-star reviews.

Yeah, and Um, yeah, don't gatekeep. We've paid a witch.

We've paid a witch. We paid a witch to bless or put a spell— what did we do?

We did a spell, a dark cast actually.

You did the dark one? Yeah, I know, that sounds— that was— I don't know, it did it. Who was that? Extra strength.

J-Rod. Of course he did.

Right, my bad, I got excited. So we've paid the witch to put a spell on South Coast Canine Academy because of obviously, you know, fuck marketing and fuck business plans and costs.

All you need is to let the woo-woo do its thing.

All you need is a bit of sunshine and a witch.

And a witch. So this works. I'm hiring a permanent witch. Yeah, fine, for everything.

Yeah, well, I see a witch's hat.

All right. I don't think they wear those anymore. Witch badge. I'm pretty sure. All right, we're good.

So yeah, and she sent us our receipt and we have it to read to you guys live on the podcast.

I'll be honest, it's fairly lengthy, right? Are we gonna read the whole thing? Bit of skimming?

Uh, I don't feel like you can skim it. Yeah, that's—

yeah, to get the full effect.

We'll strap in then. Hey, listen, all right, we've, we've been more draining on a podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's very true.

Okay, all right, well, I cast. Ready? Hello, dear Kelly Hickson. No, what? Do the witch thing.

Yeah, you've got to be in character when you fucking do it.

Yeah, dude, why do we always have to be—

I hope you're all right, I received your request. Right, good spell.

Why is she northern? Lady Helen is not from up north. She is.

All the best witches are northern.

Yeah. Oh, maybe we should just—

Where's she from?

I don't know, ask her yourself. Wow. She'll be hiring us soon. Yeah, that's true. I actually think she's American. Yeah. From Salem. Right. Google it. In character, please. I really hate the Am Dramatise. Just like in ye olde English.

No. Thou'st so happy to receive thy request of a spell. Thou shalt have an amazing centre. 'With many a happy dog.' Post-haste.

Why's the witch Queen Victoria?

Yeah.

I don't know, it just felt like that.

Why is the witch from Bridgerton?

Right. Right, come on. I'm pretty sure that's how she would—

Well, just, you can read it how it's written. You do whatever you want. You just do whatever you want, just don't be draining.

Yeah, just don't be fucking dull. Yeah. Do your best.

It's been a very long week. Very long week. 'The moment your energy entered my sacred space, I felt a profound grounding wave of determination and passion.' Passion. Building a sanctuary of learning and connection such as South Coast Canine Academy in Wadhurst requires a heart full of dedication and a spirit that refuses to settle for mediocrity. I felt immense love. I felt the immense love you hold for the animals and the owners who will walk through your doors, and your absolute clarity in wanting every single client to achieve their goals they set out for you in your boot camps. You did not come to me for a simple wish. By choosing the Dark Cast Strong Manifestation, you signaled to the universe that you wanted to spend money. She didn't say that, but it was expensive. Uh, that you are ready to claim absolute, absolute unyielding success, leaving nothing to chance. This deeply resonant heavy energy is all about removing invisible blockages ensuring a flawless, smooth opening and forcefully magnetizing prosperity so that your business experiences unstoppable week-on-week growth. That makes sense. As I centered myself to begin this powerful working, I envisioned your academy not just as a facility but as a thriving, echoing hub of achievement where every bark and every handshake is sealed with an undeniable vibration of success. I feel like we should get us to write our landing pages The sacred altar and the preparation of the manifestation space. This is where the spell—

this is where we really—

well, this is where she, she like lays, lays the visuals. Yeah, yeah, she's—

do you think it would have been easier just to film it if, if it happened?

She should definitely do it like— what's those things where you can hire people? Cameos. Yeah, she should set it up as a cameo. Yes, I would have enjoyed that a lot. Yeah, we could have played it, especially if she got it all smoky with the sage.

Yeah, but she's currently just sat in KFC getting ChatGPT to write these.

But maybe with that, the spell won't work. Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, you got it. No, no, no. Okay, all right, back to believing.

Okay, before invoking the immense power required for a Darkar Strong Manifestation "The physical and spiritual environment had to be perfectly calibrated to hold such a dense, commanding frequency." And I will pause here and say—

Is this you pausing or is this her?

I am. I'm pausing.

Back in the room, back to Kelly. Back to Kelly. This spell does sound not dissimilar to the spell that she did for you for a different thing. Spell? What? Oh my God. That's a little bit, yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of— As we go through the list, there's a lot of mention of the same herbs. Yeah, but I'm pretty sure— Your coins were— What were they, like fake coins? Ancient-looking. Ancient-looking. Mine were actually ancient. No! Yeah. Oh, 'cause you got the good—

Or you paid the extra for the dark one.

I approached my wooden dark altar, a space that has witnessed the birth of countless successful destinies, and began the purification process. The air grew thick with— oh, that was horrible. The air grew thick with the sacred swirling smoke of a heavy sage bundle, clearing away any lingering doubts, pre-opening anxieties, or external stagnant energies that could interfere with your triumph. At the end— oh no, at the very center of the altar, I place thick raw beeswax candles for this specific working. Yeah, thick. It keeps coming. For this specific working, their deep natural colour represented the fertile soil of your new business, burning with a steady, fierce, and unwavering flame that illuminated the room with a golden, prosperous glow. Surrounding this central beacon of light, I meticulously arranged a grid of ancient energetic anchors. Get your bingo cards out. Yep. A magnificent jagged cluster of amethysts There was no amethyst aboard mine.

Okay. No, it was— It was spiky shit, but it wasn't that.

Mind remains clear, sovereign, and entirely unbothered by the stress of managing a growing enterprise. Beside it, a large raw piece of clear quartz. Quartz was mine.

Did you have obsidian? Is that a type of rock? That's right.

I did have some obsidian. Worst position. Hold that thought. To amplify the exact frequency of your desires, broadcasting your Akazemi's presence far beyond water. I opened my ancient leather-bound—

is it a grimoire? Yeah, I wasn't sure about the— sounds like a euphemism for a nuna.

Let's go with grimoire. Okay. Its worn pages holding the secrets of absolute abundance. It holds the secrets of loads of things, this thing. She got different ones. And it laid next to a hand-torn piece of runic parchment. In the foreground, nestled near a wooden pentagram. That sounds demonic, doesn't it? A little. I scattered—

But you did pay for the dark one, so that kind of makes sense.

I scattered a collection of heavy antique metal coins.

Yeah, okay, so yours are better.

Yeah, yours are antique though, his were ancient. Ancient looking. Yeah, they were ancient looking, yes. But I guess it's because it was easier to get hold of antique coins than actual ancient coins.

And also, it doesn't mean they weren't ancient. They were ancient looking, which is not confirmed.

It could be. Yeah, she's not taking on to Dickinson's real deal.

No. I mean, are these legit? She don't know. Fucking— These coins serve as the physical anchors for wealth, representing the continuous week-on-week financial growth and the steady stream of clients you're about to welcome. The spiritual arsenal and metaphysics of success. Right, this is where the herbs come. Every single botanical element and metaphysical tool placed upon the altar was chosen specifically to enforce the monumental success of South Coast Canine Academy. I reached for the delicate glass vials. Were yours in glass vials? Yeah, I think I was just loose and packet. Holding the sacred roots and herbs, each possessing a unique vibration of prosperity and magnetism.

It's long, isn't it? I told you.

Did you want the whole thing or did you want me to skin. No, it's fine. Should we go past the herbs and then just carry on down? Yeah, yeah. So she just uses calamus root. You had that?

I had a bit of that.

You had a bit of that. I got a bit of licorice root, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, what else have we got in there? Black pepper.

To be fair, yours was also somewhat of a financial spell, so. Yeah, yeah, it was.

And also, in my head, it's almost like making a curry. There's like a base thing.

Yeah, yeah.

And then it just might be a little subtle difference at the end that really makes the—

But your black pepper got used for banishing. Mine was used as in to act as a rapid aggressive catalyst.

Yeah, well, that's what black pepper does. I can add that to, um, supplements because it's usually called bioperine because it helps the absorption. Anyway, sorry, there you go, nerdy. But it does help the absorption of—

anyway, those are my herbs. Thanks very much. I'll see how long this goes on before I decide.

Wow, that's a decent scroll, isn't it? I told you, innit?

It's going to be a lot of waff.

Well, it was written on an ancient parchment, so you'd imagine they're long.

She puts her hands over some ancient parchment. She whispers some things. Okay. Flooding me.

It reads like a smutty novel, doesn't it? With abundance.

Is there any hot red wax dribbling onto—

Nip. Something? Yeah. Did she mention her whispering eye?

I lifted the burning beeswax candle and let the hot golden wax drip heavily over the parchment.

It does sound kind of horny.

It is. It does. It is getting fertile earlier.

Fertile? Yeah, yeah, not me. Fertility? No, not you, but what's her name? Dame Helen Mirren.

Yeah, witchy Helen. Dame. All right, we'll just end on this paragraph then. Yeah, before she talks about us buying more spells. In the immediate upcoming weeks, you will notice profound energetic shifts surrounding the opening of your facility. Any lingering obstacles will simply dissolve, and the opening process will flow with a miraculous orchestrated smoothness. You'll feel an immense surge of personal magnetism and leadership, drawing exactly the right clients to your very first boot camps.

When did you do this spell? When did you—

what night do we have pizza? Couple of nights ago.

Tuesday, Wednesday, because I felt the new, um, my energy shift, leadership energy shift, I think, in the last day or so.

Is that the day I told Owen off?

No, because that was terrible.

Okay, do you try and tell Owen off?

Yeah, yeah, it was awesome. I can't really tell you, didn't have enough conviction.

I literally told you to tell him he was—

on that day he was your staff. Anyway, we're all weird to me.

Uh, as we transition deeper into the summer months, a secondary wave of the spell will take firm root. The binding energy of licorice will manifest through your clients. You'll see them achieving their goals with startling success. They do. Look at this lot in here this week. Their joy and satisfaction will become a palpable vibration, transforming them into your most passionate advocates. By the time we move into the autumn and later months of the year, the aggressive growth catalyst of the work— of the work— will be fully active. You will experience the exact week-on-week growth you desired. The momentum will be unstoppable, and your academy will not just survive but fiercely thrive, solidifying its reputation and bringing an immense continuous flood of prosperity to your life. And then she just basically asks you to buy some more spells.

Read it out. I respect it. The upsell. Yeah.

Yeah. Do-do-do-do. As the energy of this ritual settles and your boot camps begin to fill, maintaining a continuous flow of high-frequency financial energy is vital for a growing empire. To ensure that the revenue mirrors the immense success of your training, I highly recommend exploring our Flooded by Money spell. Same-day money activation ritual.

Same day. Same day. This was same day.

Fine. That's crazy. But that's what makes you think she's in a different time zone, because I didn't get it till like Thursday night, right?

So it's like same day, like 24-hour period. That's okay, it's still pretty fast.

Yeah, but turnaround, same day, I would have expected to get it that night. Like, get on it, it was Benny. What else are you doing? She's gonna be napping. Uh, this specific energetic alignment acts as a phenomenal companion to your success working, forcefully activating financial pathways, and ensuring that the wealth your business generates remains abundant, steady, and endlessly flowing. May your opening be flawless, and may your academy shine brightly with endless prosperity. Amazing. What a nice finishing touch.

Yeah, yeah, kudos to Helen. Well done, Helen.

Oh, that's good. That was lovely.

I think she'll come through for us as well.

Yeah, I think so too.

Wow, Frankie's already felt my energy shift.

Yeah, there was a shift.

That was 2 grand well spent, I say.

Yeah, yeah, easily.

Yeah, can't get that with Google Ads, can you?

No, no, no, definitely not. Only sunshine and witches. And witches. There you go. That's basically all my mentorship is really, just move somewhere with good weather, hire a witch, time your big things with sunshine and You'll be sweet, you'll be fine.

Yeah, all right, can everybody appreciate Cookie's watch line?

Yeah, yeah, it's almost as good as your sock line.

Penis that's out again.

I should not have looked just then.

It's only underpants though.

Tell everyone about Khan's dream.

That's funny. Khan text me, said Right, so I went back up the unit in my dreams last night, and I've done the following: N64s with Mario Kart and GoldenEye in every crate for each dog. Turned all your signs blue. Put 4 more toilets stacked inside one toilet. Put a dividing wall up and split the lease with the donkey sanctuary. Ordered 4 pallets of Yorkshire Gold Tea. I hope this is helpful.

How far out from his, like, concert sabbatical thing is he? What? The consumption of—

he's back in one as of yesterday. That makes sense, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, it wasn't long out and now he's back in one. So when you see him next week, he'll be fresh from one.

And then show everyone the pictures.

No, because they're horrific.

Oh, come on, we've— what do you mean? There's no— no, you can't— there's no gatekeeping on this podcast.

All right, well, there's one of me sat— we'll just ping them up, don't worry. Ping them up.

'One of me sat with Ben.' Can I look at the one of you in the pint?

Tired.

Oh Christ. And then what did he say in the message?

And then after that he said, 'Reminiscing on old photos this morning like you've died, haha.' That's funny.

That's quite sweet. He's a good lad, isn't he?

Yeah, he's not shit, is he?

No, he's not. Old Genghis. Oh, shaka. Temujin. We used to have a YCA beverage, didn't we? We might still do.

Got YCA coffee. Yeah, you can make a little, um, pre-made YCA margarita, and on Fridays after boot camp we could all have little YCA mugs together.

I don't know where the margarita bar— you could have an espresso martini because we do have our own coffee and you could make espresso.

Yeah, there you go. How about that?

Um, it's just not my drink of choice. I feel like it should be a bit more me.

Friday designated pub lined up. Yes, do you? Shout out to the Greyhound. Sure, it's a dog-themed as well.

That's good. That is good, isn't it?

Ah, fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We might have to get Hickory's to change it. They're not open on Fridays either, they're just open for us. They don't normally serve food on Fridays, they're just there.

But they're exclusive.

You said no, so we're just going to shut the building? It's kind of pointless.

They're only doing food for us on Fridays. Oh, that's good.

It's really nice of them, isn't it?

Yeah, very nice of them. Shout out Greyhound Inn in Wadhurst.

I'm excited. Wadhurst Ground. Yeah, that's well good. I'm excited actually.

Got a nice big outdoor area as well if it's sunshine and roses outside, right in the middle of the village.

It's supposed to be better weather. I don't know how much I believe it.

It is going to be nice next week.

Yeah, is it going to be nice here next week?

Probably stats every time we leave, it's great weather.

So that's good. Sun is nicer down south though. Is it?

Well, you're looking on the Apple— yeah, I can't remember.

Met Office or nothing.

Yeah, that's it, isn't it? Yeah.

How different will it be? Because if I was Apple, I'd just copy Met Office.

That's what I always used to think, but it's very, very different.

And Met Off— uh, Apple sucks. It's never right.

Sunday looks pretty damn good. Monday looks pretty damn good. Tuesday, 21 degrees. Thursday.

Nah, it's gone cloudy right there. 23, but it's 23 fucking degrees. Yeah, raining. Always raining on a Thursday. It's not raining.

It doesn't say rain. There. It just says there's a chance of rain. No.

Do you know that's not actually chance of rain? That's rain coverage in that area.

Yeah, but there, it was like a guess. It was a Met Office guess.

Well, doesn't matter, 'cause you're gonna be down south anyway.

Yeah, true. Well—

If it doesn't look any good, we'll just pay a witch. Yeah. Do the weather for us.

Or we'll bury some fucking sausages in the ground. We got anything to actually talk about? Yeah. What? Lost momentum after the witch shaft. Yeah. I don't know if we got time.

What time is it? I feel like we've covered a lot. It's 4 past 3. Alright, we'll just very quickly cover it. Go on then. You go on then. You were gonna say something halfway out your mouth, you knob.

That's what I was gonna say, you had a topic.

Yeah, the topic is why does everyone think their dog is unfixable and is different? And yeah, but not my dog, because Owen did a webinar on Wednesday and I was watching, and you know, I don't like the guy, but he did a good job at the webinar, right? Yep, made some good points. He explained it in a way a genuine would understand. Which I think is allowed because you're allowed to say that now.

Yeah, Huberman said it.

Whole bit's getting cut out.

No, it's not. Nope. No, staying in.

It's just gonna be beepity beep beep.

And we're actually gonna insert where you said the other day as well. Yeah, you did too. Yeah, we'll bring it up there. There it is. Anyway, on the webinar, there was just so many people just being like 'Yeah, but my dog.' And just coming up with like the crazy little reasons as to why their dog is so reactive.

There's actually a very— there was a big similarity between that and the seminar in Australia. Yeah, there was, where people would ask the same question but about their dog. Yeah, expecting a different answer. Yeah, so it was very similar, and it's just a bit of a theme, isn't it, in the world?

I think it becomes like very— takes over your life, doesn't it? So you, when they ask the same question about their dog, they're only wanting their problem solved because it's so consuming. Yep. Because we're living with it, it's a fucking lot. And also, like, they probably don't see that many other reactive dogs. And even if there are reactive dogs when they go out on a walk, they're so focused on just getting through that walk. If there was other dogs barking, like, if another dog that So often people will say, oh, my dog will— if a dog barked to them, they would definitely bark back. Yeah, I'm like, well, that dog's reactive then, but you didn't notice that. You only noticed what your dog did in response.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Okay. Yeah, you're welcome.

You can have that. I think people like— and this is gonna maybe offend some people, but I think people have a bit of a weak mentality towards it as well. Go on. Like, because they've, they've half-assed, and they probably don't even think they've half-assed it, but they half-assed, try a few things, and it doesn't immediately work. Oh my God, can't be fixing.

And that's, that's the age we live in though, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, that's, that's what I mean. Like, everyone wants a quick fix, and hashtag Ozempic. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And then, uh, yeah. Like, if— but that's different because that does work.

Yeah.

So you use that, it's more efficient, it's more— it has loads of efficacy for what you're trying to get or what you're trying to achieve. It makes sense to me. That's more like using an e-collar for recall. It just makes the job way quicker and better and easier. Why would I not do that? Yeah. And when it's like the argument when people say, oh, well, you just want a quick fix when you bang an e-collar on you. Yeah. I do, because my dog's got a limited lifespan and I'd rather be able to recall tomorrow than in 2 years' time. Thank you. I don't know about Xempic specifically, but like, um, like Retta's— the safety profile is really fucking good, but there's caveats to it, isn't it? Like everything. I was listening to a podcast. I'll find it for you.

So many people have such bad health problems afterwards.

You're trying to explain why? Trying to educate you in the podcast as to why?

Because if they can't take in enough nutrients Yeah, because they already eat shit, like loads of shit.

100% of the diet is just crap food. That'd be me. They reduce their diet by 90%. Now that would be me.

Genuinely didn't mean that.

Can we turn her mic off?

Anyway, cool. 100%, that would be me because I eat so much shit, I just end up not eating anything.

Yeah, you'd just be like, all right, I'll just eat my quarter of a 'Oh yeah, it's making people blind.' Well, yeah, when you don't eat any— yeah, vitamin A, D, and protein. Yeah, you're probably gonna go blind.

Yeah, I've got reasons why I wouldn't do it, but we're still talking about Ozempic. Yeah, okay, well, all similar GLP-1s. Other brands are available. Other brands are available and probably better, to be fair. So, or possibly better, I can't say.

Does it pick the brand or is it the drug? I think it's a brand.

Is it? Is it? I thought it was a brand. I don't know, I would never do it for other reasons, but I think it's a good idea.

Yeah, for fucking— yeah, yeah, just like, all right, beep.

No, what's wrong with calling people? They know that.

Yeah, it was like that woman we spoke to, his kid was getting bullied in school for being fat, and we were like Maybe make him not fat. You fucking idiot.

Yeah, who was asking you two for advice on children?

It was a while ago. Yeah, it was, it was, and we were maybe years ago now. We seemed more friendly than we were.

Yes, we were.

We had a front on. People didn't realize just how quite opinionated we were. But if you don't think you're a shit, you're not going to take it, so it's fine. Yeah. If you think you're a shit, then you'll get offended, but you were gonna take it because you thought you were a shit, so it doesn't matter, does it?

Yeah, fine. So you shouldn't get offended. No. Anyway, back onto dogs. Christ. I just don't think people like having a dick, do they?

And they're just like, "Ah, they tried." Yeah, that's what I was poking at. Tried. There you go.

Nothing works. Not my dog. This is an accountability thing too. When it— when the the dog's behavior is outside of their control, the reason for their dog's behavior is outside of their control, then the solution for their dog's behavior is also outside their control, and they can't possibly be lazy. Yeah, they're like, oh, I'm not being lazy, I can't do anything about it because he's scared. Yeah, not being lazy, I can't do anything about it because if he's this type of breed, or because we live in a flat, or, you know, insert excuse really.

Another Polka Bear moment. People are losing the ability to make themselves uncomfortable. And sometimes, not that we need to necessarily make a dog feel physically uncomfortable, but they need to have an experience that averts them from doing things. And people can't do that to the dog because they can't do it to themselves because they're pathetic.

Yeah, not our clients though. No, again, you get offended by that.

Yeah, then you know.

No, you know, that's you, isn't it? Yeah.

Good luck with hiding from dogs behind cars.

Yeah. What's the reason? A lot of people on that webinar were saying, yeah, but he's scared, so I can't, I can't train him, he's scared.

Yeah, I think some people cling on to having the reactive dog as well. Like, lots of those people are quite like, nice girl. They're not super social. Say it with chest, Carl. And it becomes the talk— that becomes a bit their personality, is to have the dog like that.

It's quite surprising I don't embrace Bumble's reactivity a bit more for that. Oh, nice.

Oh, can't go anywhere. Yeah, there's a bit of that.

Yeah, certain dog training groups online and stuff like that.

When we do get people on boot camp camps and they're not comfortable with it, but they have a fucking dig. Like that dog there, and now the dog's like— like, how is that dog sat there like that with Alex? When you see it in Chin Simo on Monday, yeah, we'll put a video of it on Monday.

Yeah, yeah, both. We'll do like— she's fucking doing class.

She's been—

she's been— what? I know, yeah, she's been great. Well, there's that, obviously. DC, the special sauce. But it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows at the beginning of the week, was it? It was just like, hey, don't do that. Oh, okay, I won't. Now I'll just fucking lie down next to a dude that I don't know rather than trying to kill him.

With a beard, with a big beard, ankle socks, and a crazy accent.

Yeah, they're new. Ask him if they're brand new. I'm pretty sure they're brand new.

How new are those Crocs, mate? How new are your Crocs? Yeah, pretty new. Yeah, yeah, I think that we can consider that brand new. Freshies. Yeah, yeah. I was like, well, they don't look very worn. They almost look like polished clogs.

I know what I mean. Yeah, nice. Uh, that's good.

Yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, you try and convince people that dog probably could do with training. And yeah, they just— they— I don't know, it's weird. They just look for reasons as to why it won't work. Yeah.

And I do respect people when they take the jump to do it. Yeah, sometimes there's a bit of friction on the way, but sometimes it's a big decision.

Tried things before and it didn't work, so they really delve into it.

And like you said, there's how they half-ass it, or it's just like trainers. Yeah. Yeah, really on it today, really on it. Yeah, nice.

It's good, this is good. Maxing.

But you didn't say that, someone else said that.

Huberman said that. Yeah, proper. But you— I don't know, I don't know, it was just really interesting reading the comments of the webinar. What else? Anything else? Um, do you want to meet Chancey?

Yeah, I've met him, but go on, go on, he should be on the podcast, shouldn't he? Do you think? Do you want to save him for next week? Save him for South Coast?

I don't mind you giving him a—

What's Dick come out on now? Yeah, is Dick coming out yet? All right, go on then.

We don't want to see his dick.

Yeah, okay. Only if he gets his lipstick out. Now what, do we cut this out? Do we keep talking? No one cares what you're saying. That's pretty strong, isn't it, Kel? A bit. A bit. She's probably had a drink. Yeah, she gets a bit lairy.

The other thing tying into that—

she has been to the pub.

Yeah, she has. Is people rely on the behavior going away itself and extinction, like they'll grow out of it.

Yeah.

And I hope he didn't mean this. Pab said that this morning, which is why it's fresh in my brain.

He didn't mean it, surely? I, I hope he didn't, but I'm not sure he didn't. That's crazy. Yeah, that's crazy.

I think at one point I threatened to beat him up. You're good. Yeah, because by and large, most things the dog's doing is going to be an element of at least being self-reinforcing, if not addictive. Yeah, it's not going anywhere, is it? If anything, it's going to get worse. And the longer you leave it, the harder it is to fix it. So you're better off starting now. The best time was yesterday, second best time is now. Is it?

No, I'm saying no, the best time to plant a tree It's 20 years ago. It does. This is the same, but it doesn't make sense. The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Well, this would have been the best time. It would have been 19 years. It's 364 days.

Yeah, they fucked it. And many hours.

Yeah. Hello, mate.

All right, Chancey boy. There you go. Knock some shit over. He's been whooping with Sheila. And he was just upside down in the van.

He's nice, upside down in the van sleeping. Yeah. Oh, it was a really tiny balls. We won't put a shot to grow though. Yeah, he might figure out whatever I've been taking to grow. Yeah, he's currently licking my dick spoon. There he is. For those of you that are more listeners, not watchers, I'm talking my wooden dick spoon. Move my feet. Sorry. All right. Move your big stinking fucking green socks off.

Chance. Ayo's obviously a formerly reactive rescue dog.

Formerly reactive rescue, yeah. Fighting dog.

Bullfighting dog. So even though he's a rescue, you can still train him?

Yeah, yeah, funny that, innit?

How long— how many days— how many months did you leave it before you started training him?

9 months.

All right, Kels, well, actually, how old's a dog when they're no longer considered a puppy? What age? Would you say?

And you're like, right, roughly, you know, obviously it'd be breed dependent a little bit with size. Yeah, but give us a—

give us an average, like 7, 8 months.

Yeah, it seems fair. Yeah, probably agree with that.

Yeah, there's one guy in the fucking— yeah, this one guy fucking puts Xand up in the podcast and he's like— in the podcast? In the seminar. And he goes— this is another example of what we feel like is on theme, isn't it?

Yeah, very much on theme.

Yeah. And he goes like, like, at what point is it too early to start giving this dog, like, putting training on my dog because they're not cognitively developed enough and they like won't understand it? Yeah.

I'm worried about where this is going.

Oh yeah, you should be.

Yeah. And I'm like, well, firstly, you know, dogs can He is reacting! Look, he's still reacting!

Oh, good reaction, Josh.

I could see that coming in there. I was like, he's looking at the schnauzer. I knew that was going to happen. Big black schnauzer dog. Oh great.

Oh yeah, that's it, get Chance on the podcast. Yeah, there he goes. There you go, everyone that just paid for training now just ask for a refund.

I know.

Wow, nice try, Jacob Morgan.

That's a pathetic bark as well.

I know, it's as big as his balls.

Yeah, maybe it's correlated.

Yeah. All right, what's that one? Bless you. Bless you, sir. Cut that bit out. That was funny.

My dog bites people as fun.

Although a guy booped her in the nose the other day and she was pretty good.

No, it's with confidence, I think.

Yeah, you're right.

And if you got food Anyway, anyway, right, so we're all agreeing 7, 8 months. Yeah, Koki.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. Yeah, how old is he right now? 8 months.

I'd actually push it to 9, to be fair. Maybe, maybe. Yeah, like a big, definitively stomping. Yeah, like a great day, 9-month-old, you'd be like, oh, it's a puppy.

Yeah, yeah, it's a little bit of a— yeah, all right, right.

So And my point I was going to make is like, even very small 8-week-old puppies understand like some basic feedback. Well, if they didn't, they would die.

Correct.

Like, they can respond to a clicker and they can respond to a mama dog saying like, don't fucking do that. Yeah. And they get the lesson like pretty quick. Oh yeah, right. So I made that point and I'm like, but you know, for argument's sake, how old is the puppy? He's like, 16 months.

And I was like, everyone thought he said 16 weeks at first, and then you were like, yeah, well, 16 weeks is fine.

Yeah, he corrected me and he's like, no, no, 16 months. I was like, motherfucker, it's a 30-year-old bloke.

Yeah, like, what?

He's at college, but he's just not done any training with his dog because he's like, oh, he's too young to be trained. And now his dogs are mad. I didn't catch him.

Like, I peppered him the day after, actually, didn't I, when I tried to get him for the, um, tickler test. But that— where does that come from? Is that him, like, assuming the dog's like a child, or is it— because it's pretty wild, like really wild.

Yeah, so I would say he's not finished, like, growing yet. So he still thinks he's a bit better.

I read something in one of my Stoic books the other day. It was like, principles and philosophies are cool, and sometimes they make total sense. Yeah, but what a man will do— and I don't know whether it meant man as in humankind or an actual man, but it does seem like a thing men will do more, but it could be applicable to dicks and tuppences and anything in between. And anything in between, such as half dicks, such as semi-cocks. Oh, I was gonna say something quite profound then, but I ruined it with— no, Dixon, right back on track. And it was like, but you must be very careful with principles because a man will adopt a principle to fit his internal narrative. Yes. So he's probably read 100 things about dogs, and he's read somewhere some fucking idiot say, oh, until the dog is 2 years old, they're not like developed enough to look, and he's then gone, oh, I'm gonna hold on to that one because that fits my narrative of not having to train my dog. Yeah, you know what I mean?

Yeah, that's good.

I think people do that all the time with—

yeah, you're right—

all, well, all life, but mainly like dog training stuff. Yeah, like, oh, fits my narrative, brilliant.

Yeah, you're right.

Now that gives me an out. It's usually to do with accountability, isn't it?

Like, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, that's a really good point. Well done, the Stoics. And yeah, it's a great dog. It's a great reactive dog.

He's a good dog. He had a woof. It was a good— it was all right woof though. Yeah, it wasn't too much of a—

no, he stops when you tell him to.

Dog off for that woof? No, I wouldn't. I'm just kind of laughing at it, if anything.

Yeah, he's just a baby, isn't he? He's just a baby. Yeah, he's not capable of learning yet, so we don't make him do anything he doesn't want to. Yeah, 8 months, 10 months to go by some people's standards.

Crazy fucking fucked up Habits you can build in that time that your mum can then never get rid of because you're a mad fucker.

Because you're now a big fucking unit.

Yeah, you know, a big fucking unit. Who the fuck's gonna stop me then? Go on. Oh, do you know what? I don't think anyone is.

Oh, look, another dick spoon.

Oh, nice, nice tip licking.

Lovely, lovely.

Well, there you go, there was some dog stuff in there, and you finally found out how tall I am. And I shrunk an inch, but I did grow some— I think overall I'm up though. Yeah, you are. On average, I'm up.

You grew like more than an inch and you shrunk less than an inch, so you're up a bit. So you are, you were a little up.

I would say shoes on, say like a half inch up.

It's so wild because like looking at you is just like a weird optical illusion. What do you mean? I just like, you are tall but you're, you look like a short man.

We'll focus on how she said proportions or something.

I don't know. It's gotta be. Maybe it's gotta be. I don't know, clutching at straws there.

What fucking else?

I'm just saying it as I see it. Fair enough. Just start standing next to Sam down there.

Oh yes, little tiny Sam. Yeah, I was going to bring him up here, transfer him for someone taller.

He's coming down on, um, I think he's traveling, coming down on Monday. Well, he's coming down earlier than that.

Sunday, I'm going.

What? You're going? Where do you want to go?

Where you want? He's coming down, staying in Yorkshire for a bit, breaking the journey up, heading down.

Oh, is he? Nice.

It's pretty good. Where's he going?

Down to me. Yeah, down to— you're staying with us next week in the big mansion.

Yeah, but you know you've got a PT there. A PT? There's a PT and a masseuse there. What? That's just what— exactly what I just said. That's like telling him there's going to be a doctor in the lab.

What do you mean?

Is there actually a masseuse?

Because of— yeah, there is, which is amazing. Yeah, and I will be taking advantage of that.

Right, hopefully they'll be taking advantage of me.

Go on, why are you confused? What's confusing about that? A bit. Yeah, I don't know. I think they like come at— like you can just book them if you stay there.

All right, all right. It's good, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Surely they don't just service that Airbnb.

Oh, because I think the man's got a lot of Airbnbs in it.

Oh, okay. All right, okay.

Well, that's good.

Maybe they work for the guy that owns it.

We'll definitely take advantage of that.

Yeah, yeah, my calves need seeing to.

I'd like to come over for an evening and take advantage of that. Well, if you've got water bottle, that's nice.

No, no, no, no, no. Why not? No, I don't know. No, I know he's just saying no, but it's like the, the PT thing, it's like telling him there's gonna be a dog trainer there to sort his dogs out.

Yeah, because he kind of knows what he's doing in the gym.

Even the guy in Hickory said Fine, fair enough, don't need to be tea then, he said.

Oh, you know what, like, well, the extra eggs must be for the big fella. Yeah, he did.

What have you got on your nose? Growing. Although he's growing, he's a growing lad, he needs more growing, he needs a bit more.

I even sent the pictures of the mutt nut and he said, what the hell are you doing sleeping in a grow bag?

Nice, classic. Such a nana comment to make. Yeah. Oh, bless him, he's a dad now.

Yeah, he is a dad. Yeah, so essentially he's not that far off becoming a granddad.

Yeah.

Yeah, he could soon be a granddad.

Not soon. Well, it depends how you look at it.

Not for at least 16 years.

Yeah, it's not that long though, is it?

Sooner than either of you will end up being a granddad.

Exactly.

Yeah, that's true. This is like the tree analogy again, isn't it? Yeah, which makes no sense, but yeah.

No, it doesn't. We've hammered that too much though and laughed about it jovially. I would say we've scoffed at it, actually. What? Saying the next best time is today. Ah, yeah. Silly buffoons. You missed it. You fucked off. Should we wrap her up? Yeah. Good boy.

What's going on now? All right.

Yeah, there's a little bit of muffling. All right.

Chancey. Chancey.

Jacob Morgan, say bye, Ian. Say bye, Ian. Chancey.

Say hi, Ian. He said, just say my name without that extra R in there. Oh, he's a beautiful boy, isn't he? What a beautiful boy. Did you say bye-bye? He's on his phone, Mark. There he is, look.

Yeah, what I ordered.

Pizza. God. Is it done? Is it done? Oui. He's gone.

Have you finished? Have you malfunctioned?

Okay.

Oh, my Deliveroo didn't order. Oh.

What'd you order Deliveroo for? I've just been to Hickory's.

Uh, just— did you order more of that delicious— it's one of the cutest dogs I've ever met.

No, I ordered, um, no, I ordered fucking, uh, personal tablets.

Sorry, are we still on the podcast?

Oh, we are. Oh, you didn't say buy-in, so therefore it could Oh, I did. No, you didn't say anything. You just tapped out washing tablets because of the insane amount of people today. And it said it got here. Shut up. And said it got here. Yeah. And then it said, sorry, there was no one here to give it to. Oh, fuck off. That shit, innit?

I mean, there's a few people knocking about. Yeah, like minimum of 25. There's more.

Oh, hi. Come on then.

There's people right there, look.

Yeah, 22 in there. Chauncey, say goodbye. Say goodbye in there.

He did sound like he was gonna hop up.

Right, I'm gonna sort this out.

Yeah, fair enough.

But other than that, say bye, Ian.

Man problems. Bye, Ian. Personal problems.