EP 93: How To Deal With Off Leash Dogs

I'm a bit tired today, mate. You might have to carry us.

What do you mean?

Your big broad shoulders, your brawlders.

I don't have broad shoulders, I've got a broad—

I'm sleepy.

I've got a broad beer belly, mate.

Yeah, that's funny. Tell our story.

I was gonna wear a hat today.

I'll tell it.

I'm just gonna shuffle this a bit closer to your gob. It's weird that that's necessary.

Decent size gob, innit?

Maybe I'm not in tune with these. I'm sorry. Are you going red now? I've gone red. Well, hey, I did an automation. Be proud of me.

I am proud of you. How did you do that with Cloud?

Yeah, fucking hell, yeah.

Did it work? Does it work yet?

Uh, I've done it for testing people. This is working in theory. Yeah, it should work in theory. It had a bit of a wobbler first though and sent something that it shouldn't have sent.

Quite phenomenal really, you doing automations, innit?

Pretty amazing. But that's the way of the world these days, innit? If you don't keep up, you— if you don't keep swimming as a shark, you die a horrible death.

Don't swim with the river of change, you swim against it, you'll drown.

Horrible suffocating death.

Horrible, gill-filled with water, suffocating, insufferable.

Yeah, death.

Like listening to Owain. Yeah, similar to like asking Owain any question ever.

You better strap up for this answer.

Gives comprehensive— oh, it's like, you know, when you set like ChatGPT to extensive answers only. Yeah, like, right, if like you were like— you said to it give me as much context as possible, really fill the gaps.

As much waffle as you can.

Yeah, doesn't have to be totally relevant, just somewhat vaguely relevant.

It needs to be dissertation length for a 2-word answer.

Yes. Yeah, that's Owain, that's what his parents have set him to. Click, click, not adaptive, detailed, not concise anyway. You know what, we've had our jibe at Owain.

Yeah, that's one box ticked for the week, isn't it? Do you know what box isn't getting ticked?

Tiramisu box.

Why?

How much people— how many people does— because I'm poorly. I'm not poorly, I just kind of forgot. I'd eat a tiramisu now, but what about if we— yeah, go on then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which, which company was it?

All right, all right, we'll do that. Yeah, I'm not gonna let us down. White choccy cheesecake last week on it was schnam schmancy.

Yeah, I can't even find the restaurant, mate. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Um, Sam and Nancy just replied to my story.

Yeah, that's cool.

In my jammies.

Just hold your horses. It's weird that I haven't dominated this already, given I just did an automation. Yeah, but I should have automated this process. That'd be great.

Tiramisu.

T-I-R-A-M-I-S-U. Okay, I don't know what, what place I'm looking at, but the eggs look good though.

For 40 minutes?

Yeah, we could— that could be plausible. Yeah, okay then. Okay then, and we can test— is it on Deliveroo? Yeah, we can test their efficiency.

Okay then. These boys are doing steaks and all sorts.

Amazing desserts. Do they do Eggs Benedict though?

Um, yeah, I think they do.

They do. Is it as good as Australian Eggs Benedict?

Apparently they invented it, so I find it unlikely to be.

I've got—

I have to go priority delivery. It's getting—

the hole's getting bigger.

Any chippies or anything?

Peckle was getting bigger.

Tomato pasta.

Tomato pasta. Yeah, I just— I got a soupçon for tomato pasta.

Yeah, we be.

Go on then.

Right, it's on its way.

Oh, that's good.

40 to 70 minutes.

40, 70 minutes.

40 to 70 minutes.

Oh, 70 would have been great. No, it'd be really nice to come drag her out and clip the, the, um, the rating.

We both missed round 8 today. I'm gutted about it. I think that's what's brought my energy down to me. Two sausage dogs there.

Amazing. If someone got chin locked, I would have loved it.

Just start hanging off his lip. Yeah, okay, like an emo piercing. Yeah, he's a chorizo. Can we? Yeah, no, it's white.

We can do white. I think it's fine.

It doesn't matter. Salami. Yeah, that would have been funny. Just one hanging off his fucking earlobe, the other one off his lip. Oh, let him bark. Yeah, I say let him bark.

Yeah, let him free.

You're a sausage dog.

You got anything for us then? What?

Not really.

Do you? Yeah, I got a question for you. You already know what it is, actually. So this has come up a couple of times on the TWI calls. Yeah, it comes up in life anyway, doesn't it? Best way of dealing—

Pabst, can you get me an Orangeade?

Oh, Pepsi. Pabst, Pabst, Pabst, Pepsi. Can I have a spring— what are the—

the coconut water, I think you want. Yeah, you want a San Pellegrino?

Yeah, that's better.

Fizzy. Thank you.

Please take Ollie for a pee pee as well. They'll give him a cuddly.

Yeah, right, right.

And you got me some food. You got me some freezer bags too. What a guy.

Got you some what?

Freezer bags. What for? Just got loads of steak delivered.

Oh, nice.

3 to 4 kilos of steak. From where? Meat Packs.

Right, it doesn't sound appetizing.

It doesn't sound great, but I got one the other week and it was actually okay. Do you want a glass of ice?

Oh no, I feel like we should have said yes. Just, yeah, you should have seen what he come up with.

Did you get one? I've got an ice machine at home. Should I bring it in? Yes, I never use it at home, so I could bring it in.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty good. Definitely this time of the year.

Yeah, brilliant.

I'd kill for— Charles, go on then, ask you a fucking silly dog training question.

Well, it's not silly actually. Go on then, because even like, we're— yeah, I'm passionate about not training dogs.

Yeah, same.

But even if you don't train your dogs and just give them a crazy mad life, this will still happen at some point. What's the best way of dealing with a whopper dog that runs over?

Go on then.

I was asking you, weren't I? Well, and you told me you've got a—

yeah, I've got a— you've got a hierarchy, conventional answer.

Oh, do you?

Yeah. The first thing I think you need to do is reframe it as a very good opportunity. —okay, yeah—for working through the inevitable. Mm. And once you do that, you should have the adequate emotional change to then be equipped to deal with it accordingly. Yep. So—

You did that to me.

Sorry? What? In this context, or is it different?

No, in this context. At Bed Quilts one day, I took a dog there, and the dog ran over, and I was fucking yeeting him out of the way. Yeah. And you're basically like, let Ryan out, man. Yeah, yeah, literally let it right out. You know, and you said, I don't give him enough license almost to the dog. And that was before we were doing some of the things we're doing now, but struck home with me. So ever since then, I've been loose with dogs. Like, yeah, the dog runs over. Yeah, literally. Unless it's like a complete—

unless you like think the dog's gonna have to smoke it and therefore he should have a muzzle on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I know some people probably won't enjoy that answer if there's anyone listening at this point.

No, they've probably gone now. Probably.

They do listen though. I get messages about this all the time.

Do you? Yeah. Yeah, someone said, um, I was really worried about it.

I get sent tiramisu memes all the time.

The lady on the boot camp with the two melon flutes. Mm-hmm. She said, oh, I got something, info of the podcast. I was like, oh, fuck.

Did you? Did you? I don't know if that's true.

How many hours did you troll for that?

People will listen to this one because we'll title it How to Deal with Off-Leash Dogs or some shit.

Yeah, okay. So is there anything else to your answer? Reframe your mind. So has it been an opportunity?

It's an opportunity. Helped me no end to work through it because I think you then like, you relax a lot more. I think the typical response that dog trainers do especially is like, he's not friendly, he's not friendly. Yeah, it's not helping your dog in any way, shape, or form. If anything, you're communicating to your dog there's a problem. You can't deal with this sort of shit. You are completely emotionally fucking volatile, and anytime something goes slightly wrong, you're gonna have a fucking mad wobbler.

Yeah, fair enough. I mean, this is, this is a crazy response.

It's just a dog. What are you—

so if you are gonna do that, yeah, clip your dog to a fence, take your shirt off, and then pass it up to the dog and the owner. Yeah, so at least he knows you can do something about it.

Yes. Yeah, walk straight up to you, right hook straight to the chin. You get him down in one and your dog will go, I think you've got this, I don't need to worry about anything.

I genuinely think that works to some extent. Yeah, got some anecdotal evidence about that.

Well, maybe we'll cover a different day. Yeah, maybe you need, need like a mate to do it. It's like when you go on a date and you pay a mate to like come and like fucking rob you with a knife and you fucking Bruce Lee him. And she's like, wow, you're amazing.

Yeah, you're almost— yeah, yeah, we've all done that, haven't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My breaking stories, they were setups. That was Pablo. Beat the fuck out of him.

That's why he's here. Oh, brilliant.

Pablo, get you some coke. I paid 50 quid. He's a brilliant actor in my house, so I looked hard in front of my missus. He will do anything for 50 quid. In fact, he'll do anything for 20, so I, I can't imagine what you do for 50.

I'd do many things for 50. Would you? Yeah, many of them. Just put a willy in your mouth. Whose is it? Probably, especially after donut bell. So she has a donut— the donut pecker story. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, fuck it.

You could frame it as a, as a Yeah, just like the time we started with a bit, didn't we? Yeah, we could get back to it.

Yeah, because there's a bit more there. And so you frame it as an opportunity.

Yeah. And you don't scream and go, he's not fucking friendly. I genuinely think, like, once you do that, you feel so much better about the situation. And you're just like, huh, this is good that I have this great opportunity to work through the inevitable.

I literally make myself laugh about it now, and I'm like, oh, come on.

I think when you start, like, stringing your dog up and slamming them into obedience and take away all their ability to, uh, that take away all their agency. Yeah, you've just— fuck it, really. You never get— there's never going to be a good result out of that situation no matter what. So, all right, don't raise your voice. Well, I think there's a genuine argument to say like our dog can feel, not through the leash per se, like it's not like an osmotic fucking—

it's not fiber optic, is it? It's not broadband.

It's not broadband, but they could probably smell certain pheromones and shit, and maybe hormones, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't even know if it's that quick for that, but like emotional contagion's a thing, right?

Yeah, you can feel a vibe, can't you?

Yeah, I get vibes off you all the time.

Yeah, you can just feel something in the air.

And I usually go, "Oh, fuck, he's fucking in one of those ones again." Is he?

Oh, that's awful.

And I'll go in the shed. Huh? I just go up to the shed.

Well, a very safe place. You go in the shed? You hide in the shed? I'm gonna start checking the shed now.

Fuck. I'll have to find a bush. Alright then, what else was there then? You go now. Is the dog still coming? What? We're still on yours one.

No, I don't know what to do from there. I just hope it all works out. Alright. That's literally hope after that point.

One of the questions was, would you ever like, carry like a pet corrector spray? I'm a bit— One, you'd have to like, be able to shoot your own dog, right? Yeah. Two, you've got to get the mechanics right in the situation. Three— That's the bit. Yeah, that's the bit. And 3, I've seen some dogs go at pet correctors.

Yeah, I don't think they'll do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bruce. Hi. Bruce Forsyth. Bruce Lee. Yeah, so some of them, sometimes a pet corrector can— it's almost literally like throwing petrol on a fire.

Yeah, you turn out the methods and we'll— yeah, that's a nay from me.

Is it a full nay? A full nay.

I don't think the A person's coordinated enough.

What about like a one of those bear scaring guns?

I've seen, right, we have used pet correctors in the past, right? Yep. Fully planned, fully in the right position, holding it already. How many times have you seen someone fuck up spraying a pet corrector? Yeah, more, way more than not fuck up. Now a higher, now a high-octane situation. Yeah, high-octane situation. Yes. No. Yeah, it's just not— No offense, labradors. No, I think it could work in theory.

I just don't think it does. There's funny things that should work in theory, but don't. It's like turning your back, innit? When the dog jumps up. It could work. Maybe even should work. But it doesn't. It doesn't. It's shit. I'm just gonna bank on a bit of extension here. And then the dog breaks the absolute pasty out of your back.

You turn around and go, "Oh, come on." And he's like, "Gah, I got you." No, Ger, you turn around, you're an old bitch.

Yeah, all right, go on then. Second lead was an option. Same thing.

Can't get your own dog on a leash when you fucking say walkies and he's running around the house and you're chasing him around.

Yeah, you got—

yeah, I can't.

I've only— well, I don't know how much you can—

the other day I was trying to get Ranger on the leash and you opened the door and I was like, mate, come on, you can see I'm struggling. Why are you opening the door for? He's fucking off. I can't catch the fucker. Octane's there.

No, he was the lowest one.

I think you're expecting everyone to be fucking cowboy, like rodeo cowboys. Yeah. What about throw chain?

Old school, classic killers.

I don't know, I feel like you're like—

Or a jar of nuts.

You'd have to be— There would have to be some preemptive aspect to it, right? You have to be semi-prepared at this, right?

Yeah, you need a police vest with accessories clipped on and everything.

That's not an enjoyable walk! Right? Any fucking dog— Throw chain the fuck outta here!

You've seen Marvel, what's it called, Daredevil with fucking Dead Eye, whatever he's called.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough. If you're Deadpool or Dead Eye or whatever the fuck it is. Yeah, so I just think, yeah, you'd, uh, you'd have to be at least semi-cocked, mate. And then again, like, you're not concentrating on your dog, you're just enjoying your walk.

Yeah, he's just ready for combat.

Yeah, I think you're like, you're quite literally like waiting for something to go wrong. Yeah, fair enough.

Which I think is a mindset thing. Itself as well. What other ones is there?

Um, putting your dog in a down. Oh no. And then going and catching the other dog.

I've put— I have put Bumble in a down as people walk past, but not if the dog's actually coming at.

No, I think it takes a lot of like quite a high level of obedience to down your dog and then catch another dog.

Oh yeah, that's like a PSA test.

Like, yeah, down your dog, we're gonna let another dog loose in the field and you've got to catch that before you get your dog again. That Sounds like a level 2, 3 activity. Yeah, just see online, here's what to do, here's 3 things you do, and you never— the dog runs up to your off-lead dog. Yeah, stick your dog in it down. Fucking hell.

When's the last time it happened to you? Um, I don't know. I take mine to— but I go quite quiet places. Like, I could take them to the park, but why the fuck would you want to when there is a higher incidence of dog whoppers coming over? But like, where I go, you'll see a dog, but they're normally like a trained dog. Yeah, because I think the places I go, they've got to have a level of— if they're gonna have freedom, they've got to come back because deer and sheep and shit. Yes. So I don't know, but obviously people want to go to parks. I get it. Well, I don't get it. People want to go to parks.

I've heard full stop. They like to go to parks.

Although we do like going to Roundhay on Friday.

We love a Roundhay.

But you know, I've never seen a Roundhay touch horrible veneered wood. Yeah, I've never seen a dog really like, you know, a whopping mad asshole dog there.

Nah, they get— you'd only do it once and you'd be like, fuck that, I'm never coming here again. Yeah, yeah, Goldenacre is a little bit more like covered, covert, I guess. But right, how many times at Roundhay have you seen— I think we've mentioned this last time— but like a shepherd or even a pointer or even a fox red lab like off leash? Yeah, it's all— you see Frenchies, you see cockadoodles, you see Shar-Pei. Yeah, that's true. Don't see Shar-Pei, you don't see them.

Um, What the fuck are they called?

Shih Tzus? Yeah, Lhasas and shit like that. But you don't see any like big—

no, you don't actually, do you? Driving. I saw— I've seen two lost Vizslas.

I actually did too. Yeah, that makes sense. Two lost Vizslas. Two free-range Vizslas. Yeah, yeah.

You know when they've like obviously chased them and then they'll go panicked and like, fuck, I need to cover more meters than I've ever covered before so I can find my owner. Yeah, and they're just running further away.

If you just stay where you are, maybe they'll find you. Yeah, yeah, anything else? Um, what about throwing food? I mean, if you had— I don't know, again, all the throwing methods are really going in the same category for me.

Yeah, cheese. Yeah, throw cheese, cheese box. Yeah, cube up feta before you go out, sling it.

Trouble if that was my dog, my dog's like, dive into the cheese. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's on, boys, it's on. It was gonna be fine. Now we've got something to fight over. It was gonna be fine, I just wanted to say hello.

There's cheese on the line now. Uh, yeah, this is the chance.

No, mate, honestly, I'm just gonna let things pan out. If the other dog chins my dog, I'm gonna chin that dog. That's pretty much it. Fair enough. Just kicking it straight in ribs.

Fair enough.

If he's gonna chin my dog, if they just want to say hello, then fair enough. I'm not gonna boot a dog for no reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it. Yeah. That's a bit really— that's basically the way it's gone for me recently. Is it? Yeah, you too, I believe. You too, you too, I believe.

Oh yeah, there was a fruck us, fruck hard. That was more like a grab them both by the scruff and hey, don't fight. Yeah, fair enough, that's a good one. Yeah, don't fight, no fighting.

You kind of knew both dogs-ish though, a bit.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough, fighting. Yeah, it wasn't the dogs.

Picky boy and it's picky.

Yeah, we'll put that up there. No fighting, no fighting, no fighting, no fighting. So yeah, any other recommendations from you?

You're a seasoned off-siter. No, that's about it. I totally changed as soon as you fired one across me bow at Bed Quills. From that day on, I just let everything happen. Yeah, but I know yesterday I told the lady with the Malinois, let's just let him go, he'd be fine. Yeah, but it wasn't his fault, he's an asshole.

Jokes aside, I think when you take away the dog's agency they'll struggle making a good choice because they feel they're going to be more defensive as they're locked in position, even if it's just a heel or a down or anything like that, or even putting them into a sit. Yeah, I think you're much more likely— there's a higher propensity for a boot off to happen because they're like, well, I can't— you take away the flight ability, don't you? And try and like—

you also take away the ability to, um, display submissive behaviors or diffusing behaviors.

Yeah. So yeah, nice.

I mean, if you were a King Charles Spaniel, you fucked anyway because you ain't got none. No. If you're a Frenchie, you think you have 4, about 12 or 16. I don't know how many. Well, there's some— there's more than double figures. It's like appeasing behaviors. Yeah, diffusers.

Well, do different dogs have different amounts of them? Yeah, I believe this is shit you just tell people on the podcast.

I don't know if it's true though. I'm fairly sure it's true. Yeah, what does it matter, mate?

We've said a lot of shit about this.

In which case, King Charles Spaniels are fucked because they've got none. Frenchies have got them. What do you mean they've got none?

They've got no survival skills, basically.

No survival skills. Diffusive behaviors. No, like, um, they won't roll on their belly.

They won't roll on their back.

No, they can't. They can. They're too leg heavy. No, your legs like lead.

You are making it up, aren't you?

No, I'm pretty— I'm not— I am making that up. They believe they can lie on their backs if they're required.

So you just said stuff.

No, I don't think they do though. There's a bit of it to do with the anatomy of the dog. I'm pretty sure like your, um, husky, malamute, probably shepherds have got most of them. All right, because they can— they're as close to more like wolves. Yeah, so maybe your Czech wolf dogs, you can do loads of them.

So they should be avoiding fights.

Yeah, imagine if you've got like docked ears or French ears, you've got a flat face. Yeah, you just— chest sticks out like this all the time.

Yeah, that's why the dog's not fightable. It's like a line. Yeah, he can't help it. No, you might think he's walking around intentionally like this. He just— yeah, you can't physically force them down. You can't physically force his arms down because that's saying that big.

They just No, it's like almost like rigor mortis. He's like, yes, rigged into that position, stuck.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Yeah, so, you know, I believe that not all dogs have got the same amount of defusing behaviors. Brilliant. So that comes into it. Yes. What else?

Any other methods then, or is that pretty much it? Just let it happen.

If the fight kicks out, get—

be prepared to get involved.

Yeah, back your dog up. Yeah. Or let your other dogs back your dog up. Yeah, absolutely. Pagger them.

Yeah, I've seen that a few times. It does happen. Just get multiple dogs.

Yeah, there you are. And then you'll always win. I got more dogs than you.

Yeah. So what do you say? The numbers game, this. Simple maths. Look at this. I have a swarm. Bumble's always keen to get involved, isn't he?

Oh yeah, that's in the last incident there was, he got straight involved.

Boom, flying headbutt straight in. Nothing to do with it, he's like 20 metres away.

He's fucking steaming in. And then when it did break up, he then proceeded to chase the dog off.

He's like a little Leeds United fan, isn't he? Baldy little pubgoer. We got a little Bumble Leeds United bubble up please here in the pub.

No right to chase any dog off. Stone Island. He's like, it's fucking running off. And they're like, we fucking told you. Fair enough. It was funny.

Does great things, phenomenal things for his ego, no doubt.

Oh yeah, I know, he's probably like— that's why I've got to keep an eye on him now because he just thinks he's invincible. Well, it could be.

Oh yeah, how would he know? Yeah, he's never been chinned. Well, Little John got him twice.

All right, but he came out fine, so he probably just thinks— what's the saying?

If you're going to be brave, you better be stupid or something like that. Yeah, if you're going to be brave, you better be tough.

What is it? Yeah, you're going to be dumb, you're going to be tough. Yeah, fair. At least that's the, uh, who are those guys who used to do crazy stuff and used to hurt them? Jackass. Yeah, that's what I think. That's what they said. You're gonna be dumb, you're gonna be tough. I don't know if they invented it like I did with white cheesecake, but they could have. You definitely did. Yeah, yeah, classic. The classic. Brilliant.

All right, that's enough dog talk.

What else we gotta talk about? I got peppered by someone.

Oh yeah, you did. This is amazing. This is the best ever. I'm gonna have to get you to take your shirt off again.

I'm not, I won't do it. Why? Well, because I got, I got—

Someone brings Zepo in, a potential client, potential client.

They've already paid a deposit.

They've already paid a deposit, so an actual client. Yeah. And they— we send out some pre-training homework so you can essentially hit the ground running when you join us for formal training, do some foundational stuff. Try and be helpful. Like all good dog trainers, try and be helpful. Yeah. And there's just one or two theoretical explanation videos of a certain someone being you on a whiteboard. And anyway, it's an interactive whiteboard though, an interactive whiteboard obviously, which you should, you know, the whiteboard of truth, the whiteboard of dog training knowledge gains. And the lady rings up Owain. I don't know why she rang him up. I think she didn't, I don't think she was enjoying the homework or something like that. Anyway, she said, all I've done is listen to some bloke with a lanyard and a beer belly waffle on about feeding for the last two videos.

And we're like, looks like he's fed too much.

Like, who the fuck is that? Is it me? Like, fair enough. I was like, I've never worn a lanyard. So we check inside the portal. You weren't here at the time, just Turns out it was lan. Ian over here.

Lanyard. Yeah. So it could be something in there. Yeah. So, um, just show me your belly, mate, come on. No. It's coming on. But if anything, it's inaccurate anyway, 'cause I don't drink beer.

Yeah, fair enough. Erdinger belly. Yeah, chocolate belly. Tiramisu belly. Choccy belly, ice cream belly. I think that is obscene. We will actually get a shirtless photo of you, Pierre. Is that fair enough? If you want. Yeah, mate, you work hard for it, you might as well flaunt it. Which is just the most obscene shout. That's like calling me the pale guy. The guy with the yellow teeth.

Uh, don't think so.

No, if there's anything I'm not. Yeah. Crazy. Did we establish it was definitely you?

I'm the only one on the videos, so it narrows it down pretty hard. Who do you wish it was?

I wish it was Chloe.

Multiple insults there. What do you mean? Like, totally opposite.

Yeah, fuck it. Multiple insults.

Yeah, I'd have more understood if you said the guy with the big lats. So I ain't—

yeah, fair enough.

Big nose, big lats. Yeah, easy.

Okay, I know that is The guy with various large extremities. I don't know. So yeah, that's funny. All right. What else has happened? Yep. I'm officially the same shade as my dog. Thanks to the sunshine we've had this week. We'll throw a picture up there. Red Ranger, who's pretty much bright orange, to be fair.

We've also stopped all marketing because of the sun.

Yeah. Sun's out, so we don't need to market anymore. This story originates from a meeting we had maybe 2 years ago. We were talking some marketing strategy, and I'm literally busting my balls out with Suzanne, just like posting on social media every day, fucking started YouTube, started running some paid ads. And Cookie goes, I'm really busy at the moment. I think it's probably because the sun's out. I mean, Suzanne's sat there like Literally fucking sold our souls online to get some clients, and Kirkie put it down to the sun. So yeah, traditionally every year what we do is we just hold our marketing from May onwards.

Down your holes for a bit, team. Yeah, you can have a month off.

Yeah, the whole fucking marketing team just get fucking signed off. They are— they fuck off to Barbados.

And voilà, voilà.

So yeah, there's that. What else? Big rugby match. Oh yeah, you got your big W. Got our first win of the season. First win after how many do we have?

Some would say it's no coincidence that there was a big signing that week.

It was a big signing that week.

Erwan made his debut. Fresh insights from a third-party coaching member.

Kirkie made his coaching debut as well. So we brought in a couple of ringers in the coaching staff and the playing staff, and we got the big W. And we did.

I enjoy it even when you don't win, but it was a great day. Yeah, sun was slightly better, sun was out, dogs got involved. You did some wild shit.

I did some crazy loose shit on the pitch, kind of paid off mostly. Scored a hat-trick. Yeah, put Owen over for one. He did play well, to be fair, but we won't give him too much because— no, maybe we should. Maybe you'd stop having soddies if we were nicer to him. Maybe it's us. Well, maybe we're like, what's the matter with Owen all the time? And then yeah, bully the fuck out of him every single day and then wonder what a guy.

Yeah, he's a good guy. What a great guy. He's all right. He's a good bloke.

He's a nice bloke. Nice, mate. Small, small proportion.

Not small, like not excessively small. Nicely proportionate to his face. Yeah. I'll do. Yep. Huge shoulders.

Clocks on till we go to Perth.

Abs and lats and, yeah, cock and balls.

And not seen his cock and balls, didn't get to see it in the shower.

I knew you'd have been a big effort for that.

You know, I was looking forward to it, but it was just like, I don't know, he just, he like created like a soap cloud. Oh, he just soaped himself up.

Good technique. Yeah, nice technique.

'J-Rod, come on, the water's warm, come on in, the water's great.' And I fucking— I had classic rugby dick. It's not the best, it's not the best of the best of times, never mind after post-rugby.

Yeah, but everyone knows about rugby pecker. Do they?

We'll get a piccy up of it. Well, Jacob Morgan, poppy, ping that up. Ping my pecker. Genuinely, just barely by the naked eye.

With the naked eye. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah, no game this week though.

No bye week, which is good because I've got a bit of a spicy hamstring. Oh, hello, hello my boy. You okay? You had a tired one today, haven't you?

One of your dogs nearly got the plumber.

Yep, that's pretty good. One of my dogs nearly sniped the plumber.

I didn't realize they were in your abode. Put Abbo up there.

Yeah, but Carl Yeah, good player he was. Very good player.

Do I remember about Carl? Huge ass. No, but—

No? No. Okay. Great fucking buns.

Gobbed off at the ref a lot. Did he? Did he? Oh yeah, he did. Get stuck into him, yeah. Ranger's like, right, he's fucked off.

Yeah. Shock. You dog. You dog. Should have got a piccy of that. Ranger, come here.

Sorry, I'll dish this guy up.

Yeah, yeah, Ranger. Oh, fuck's sake. There he is, look. Look at him, look at him.

Back against the wall, ready for the scrap.

I'll take a photo of him while I can see him right now, which is fucking the dog ignoring the fuck out of me. There you are, getting stroked. He's about to lie down, isn't he? He could be. There he is. I'll just ping you up here. I'll send it to you now, Susie, so you're not— there you go. Where are you? Oh, it's on its way, mate.

The tiramisu's on its way. Is it?

Yep, so we only have to Waffle on for 30 minutes. Have we sorted the tiramisu leaderboard? Yeah, she pings it.

If you need me to, um, create one with AI or something—

yeah, that is true.

Even maybe automate the rankings, I could probably do that now.

Yeah, you could probably automate the rankings. Yeah. Anyway, well then, Range, can you come back please? Come on, good boy. You've done the job, mate.

Oh no, you can't just— yeah, is that right? Yeah, he had a quick break.

Ranger, come on. And come. Good boy. Do the click, do the click. Good boy. There you go. Works every time.

Come on, lie down there, please, son.

Click, click and pinch. Come on.

Click and point the bone, you'll be right.

Yeah, and down.

See?

Next podcast: why does clicking work? Because it does. Yeah. Um, what were we talking about before he fucked off? Before our co-host fucking did a runner?

Anybody know who it is? No?

So just behind us over there, they're doing some sofa practice-proofing. Is that what they're doing? I think they're doing in-home stuff, like what to do if your dog's a Whopper in the house and someone comes in. Oh, okay. Don't ask me. My dog tried to kill Abo.

Oh yeah, so Abo. Oh yeah, that was it. What you remember?

What I remember was when people used to try and take the high ball, he used to put his arm over their head, did he? Put them off, like go over the top of them. Yeah, like X, Y, up, down, Y, X. Yeah, yeah.

And then they'd go bamboozle them. Bamboozle mover. Yeah, he's good. You can get him on, shouldn't we, when he comes? Probably not. Not mad, uh, he's not a man of many words, eh?

No, he's not. I've never heard him speak. I saw him in Morrison's once.

Did you? Yeah. Did he put a shot on you in Morrison's?

No, he never put a shot on me. When's K9 Optima gonna play a real sport?

Yeah, or any sport. Currently does a sport of lifting weights, which isn't a sport.

No, that's preparing for sport. Throw the Kenny Powers clip up here, please. I play real sports, not trying to be the best at exercising.

You know what I mean? Good clip.

Yeah. Um, anything else happen, mate? Anything new at the center? Anything new with the YCA?

Perhaps has had the mower out. That's pretty good. Yeah, perhaps has had the ride-on mower. I couldn't start it. I had to, um, do it for him and send him a glorious video. It's on like a tutorial. Yeah, I don't know if it was a tutorial more than giving him a load of chips. It was more of a gloating thing. Was it? Yeah.

Boasting.

Did he not show you? No. Alright.

Yeah, why would you pick it up?

Have you got it? I don't know if you can pick it up. Can you? I can't remember what I said. You might have said, "Fuck you." Were you giving it double cannons, yeah? No, I should have though. Not good at selfie videos though.

Everything on my body. Oh, fuck.

We'll put that up there, yeah. Alright.

We'll play it as that was playing to me, yeah. So you, uh—

Fuck you.

Yeah, that wasn't helpful at all. Now he's gonna ask you forever.

No, but I did go back afterwards and put him through a full tutorial. Our mullets are looking nice. To which he said, "Oh yeah, I missed a step out." Which was both to me and Jake.

And then I pointed out another 6 steps.

Right. He did, I think, one of the steps.

Listen, Chloe paid me a compliment for the first time ever. Should I look good in a backwards cap? Do I?

I think you look better in the forwards cap.

All right, what's that then? I didn't last long. Brilliant.

Now you do look better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Young man copied our haircuts. Yeah, of course he did. He takes a picture of us he takes a copy of the podcast to the barbers and he makes him sit and watch the whole copy. And then I produce this. I would like—

yeah, if you could go somewhere in between those two with them. Just to annoy you, I copied the Mutt Nut. There you go.

He reckons he copied the Mutt Nut, who copied me.

So yeah, so it's like a third-party copy. He's just basically—

yeah, yeah. I used to, um, I used to have hair like Gavin Henson. You do?

Yeah, I used to dye it black so I could have hair like Gavin. Any pickies of that? Uh, maybe really classic. Ping that up there. Yeah, yeah.

Used to shave and fake tan my legs. Use my mum's fake tan, 12-year-old.

I used to—

because when he played for Wales, he had shaved fake tan legs. So yeah, he did. Everyone did. Everyone was doing it.

I used to basically cycle between a skinhead in the summer months and incredibly long hair in the winter months.

Yep, just throw that up there.

Basically for no maintenance. And crazy mohawk one time. Yeah, that was an accident. Someone was trying to cut my hair, took the comb off to clean the excess of hair out, didn't put it back on and just fucking skinned it. I didn't want to go full skinhead at that time, so I had a horrendous mohawk thing.

Right. One time my uncle left clippers on the side and I was like 10 years old.

He'd been doing his nuts, maybe.

And then, um, I don't know, I ran into my grandparents' room and then cried for like 5 months straight. Like a reverse howl. Yes, outstanding. I look like the boy in the striped pajamas.

Which, which is funny. Because you just got the new jammies yesterday. Yeah, I did. They're not stripy though. They're not.

You should have got stripy. They make me feel like Hugh Hefner.

You kind of look a lot like him too. Can we do something to convince Pablo to grow a skull up?

No, because he's meant to and he's just all talk. He's just all talk.

Is he?

Yeah, he's like, I'm gonna grow a skull up, and then he just keeps shaving his head.

Oh, let's just bash him then. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't need convincing.

It's called coercing. It's different.

It's like, if you don't do it—

Pablo, would you grow a scallop, please?

Yeah, live on the podcast, and he said yes.

Yeah, come on the podcast. Just come around here. Just say, yeah, I'm gonna grow a scallop. Where'd you pull them John Lennons from?

Yeah, they look all right, to be fair.

Come on the podcast.

Come on, come here. They're Specsavers specials.

We're just trying to buy time because our tiramisu is on the way.

In sunglasses, he does look like John Lennon. You ask him to play something. Yeah, he really does. We'll get a pic of that. And he said, I didn't know if that was a compliment or not. I said it was neither.

I think if you made him do a center part in his hair as well.

Let's make him do it. Yeah, power of coercion.

Can we get him to do it now? Do you want to go grab Michael?

Yeah, that would be amazing. Michael on the pod now, is it?

Yeah, yeah, we can tell about the time he had a postcard. I would get him to tell the postcard story. That's a good one. That is a good story, Fox.

Skull it. Skull it. Skull it. Skull it. I'll do it.

Right, you're going to do a skull it. There's no shaving of the head from now.

It's just so hard though, innit?

Why? Well, why?

I look like Phil Mitchell on The Bender if I grow my hair. I think it's actually easier because you don't have to shave it.

He's way— yeah, Phil Mitchell isn't anywhere near. Whilst we're waiting for that, then, Caps, are you going to do our sponsors?

You're going to do it? Okay.

All right, we'll just lean into the mic. This is our first sponsor. I'm not going to tell you what it is or who they do, but you're going to sell it. Go!

Wait there, it's like a challenge.

One, you need your glasses, and two, you need to do your hair like this. Come on, just for a quick— oh, come on, just like that. I'll do it if you look. Look, that's fine. Look. How's that looking? Good? Yeah? Come on. Yeah, thanks, mate.

Yesterday. Go on then, pubs. 12 to 11. Um, almost. Oh yeah, fuck it, yes, yes. It's close, that's— it's quite close. 20 to 11. Yeah. I wouldn't be able to sell that if I don't know what it is.

No, you can, go on. VIP, 20 to 11, let's go.

20 to 11. Something to do with cars, go on. The best. Oh right, yeah, car detailing.

He sourced cars, they sourced cars. He sourced my car. Is it?

Yeah. That's a good one. Your car, you know, your team car.

Yeah, our car. He sourced our car. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, big ups. You've driven that car more than me, haven't you?

Yeah, best drive ever.

Yeah, for pennies as well.

Good, good, good interior. Good price. Good modification, great price.

Yeah, there you go. And then get the other one behind you.

So when you took it out the other day, did you bump into Leeds Baggies? Yeah, best carpentry in town right here.

Or, or the country.

Or the country, better yet. Yeah, the country. I agree. In anyone's town. I checked out their Instagram the other day, actually. I was quite impressed. Oh, fucking—

there you go. Give it a go. Give it a go. And if you want a giant wooden veiny cock, they can do that too. Can we get one? Do you reckon they do us one for For them. Yeah, surely. Come on.

'Cause this is a plug for them.

Trav was a big jerk. He said, "Thanks for the plug," and I'm like, "Wait till you get the next one." Thanks, Pabs. Yep. Thanks, mate.

Thanks for the— Just get one of Rugby Dick and put it where the TV is. Oh yeah.

Of my actual rugby dick. Yeah, like a life-size, like a fucking portion of you.

Like— Yeah, maybe we should sell them. Fucking glowing legs.

Just sell a silicone mould. Something of my rugby dick. In fact, have you seen Neighbours when they do, um, they do the, a dick mold of each frat house member? We could do YCA versions of them. You could have a Pablo special with a big thing on the end. You have our two little ones. You could have like a Spanish curved one.

That's salami. You get a little boy dick.

I don't know. How old are you? He's of age. He's 20. He's 20. Yeah, fine. That little, that little, you get John Lennon dick.

Mate, your dog's on the desk in the office.

I know, mate, I can't. What?

Mate, you've got to do your hair and your glasses. You've literally done none of those things. I went for a piss.

All right, there's a mirror in there. Yes, almost there. Now please just do that, just the center part down the middle. Thanks. Come on. Yes, yes, yes, that's almost the middle. Yeah, there's a mirror just in there because it does look like him. Yeah, see, I told you, could be him. I just like to think he wasn't actually shot and it was a crazy conspiracy.

Was he the one that got shot?

Yeah, by a crazed fan. That's gonna happen to me. It 100% is. Yeah. Yeah! Come on, mate! That's outstanding. Right, couple of things. One, you'll have to kneel, sorry. You could squat, I guess.

Here's your mic. He's got good knee health. I forgot the legs were in the way. See him do some bent-over rows last night.

This is Mike, our paid ads guy. AKA John Lennon. All right, you gotta sing a Beatles song. Oh, fuck that, mate. All right, if you can't sing a Beatles song, you gotta tell the postcard story. I'm not doing that either. That can't— yeah, Pablo told a story about his dick falling off. Yeah, yeah, I'm not doing that. And then he got a review. What do you mean you're not doing that? I'm not doing that. What do you mean, actually? No. We have to sing the Beatles then, I don't know.

He's even said postcard though, so I imagine it'll be like, you know, it's almost halfway there.

Can you tell any story? Any story ever? Just want people to get to know you a bit more.

Any story ever? Yeah, go on.

I haven't got one off the top of my head, mate, not really. Pablo's dick fell off.

Pablo's dick fell off?

How would he know his dick falling off? He literally on the podcast talked about his dick falling off. The end of it turned black. So this is— the whole postcard thing is pretty tame comparatively.

We're all on Tinder. I just messaged him.

What do you think about it?

I didn't go for it. Get it out. Really?

Yeah, we put a picture of my tiny rugby penis on it as well. My little micro dick. Just no.

No, mate, I can't. The, uh, 2 over 2.

2 minutes, mate. 2 minutes. Brilliant. We're counting down, folk. We are counting down.

Then we've just got 10 minutes to muller it down.

Yeah, well, yeah, they can just— for the last 5 minutes. Nah, at the end of the podcast we got a crazy big announcement to make. Are we? Yeah, crazy big, something like that. I feel like I should know. It does, really does. Oh, it's that guy.

Oh, there he is, tired.

Okay, slooting. Bit warmage as well. Don't mind a decent sploot. It's alright, isn't it? Yeah. It's good, that. Go on then, mate, what else you got? Give us something—

What's happening next week? It's not dev week next week, is it? Bootcamp. Big bootcamping next week.

Camp booting. Yeah. Yeah, how many are in there? How many you got signed up?

I feel like— Shh. Actually, could be 17. Could be. You're the face of our social media nowadays.

That's a pretty big thing. You and Owen. That's pretty worrying.

You dominate. That's worrying.

You're currently going viral right now. That's worrying.

Good views yesterday. Good views.

Yep, people like Staffies and they like big boys. Someone said, mm, daddy. You're kind of good because I got one.

My son's 16. 16. Nice. Yeah, fair enough. Knock him out the park. I will do as well.

Had all this lot off leash at Roundhay this week, didn't we?

Yeah. Which is nice.

Throw a little video up there. Did you? He's a good young man.

Did you take your dog with you?

Did you take your dog?

Yeah, she got chinned by a whippet. One of our whippets? No, two whippets just ran up to her, started giving her some. She barked back, they fucked off.

Did you get that on video or no? No, just missed it. Ah, we should get— That's disappointing. I should give you my meta glasses for that. Yeah. That'd be good. Yeah. Quick, whoosh, oh, it's about to kick off. Ping.

What dog's that? Irish Water Terrier. Spaniel.

That's the biggest of spaniels, that. I can believe that.

It's a big cow. Yeah. Dreadlocks, mate.

Biggest type of spaniel. Irish Water Spaniel.

I'm surprised it seems so tiny.

Looks more like a poodle, doesn't it, to be honest. I bet that really triggers the owners of such dog.

Yeah. If you—

Yeah, yeah, grab the Stanley—

If you could bang the hair straighteners through him— Susie? If you bang the hair straighteners through him, he would look quite Spaniel-esque in the face. Oh yeah?

I dunno, he looks like he's got a shaved face.

Do you have to shave his face? No, I think his beak's natural. It's a good natural beak. 8 minutes. Until his call. Until your call. That's right.

I've got a call. Do you? Yeah. Oh wow, wow. What do you mean?

Oh, it's got decorations.

Oh wait, wait, wait, wait. What's that? Oh, that's an actual coffee.

Is it? That's crazy. Or is it coffee liqueur? If it's liqueur, don't give me any, I'll be pissed. Well, this looks quite impressive. Aesthetics are pleasing. Ah, we'll go with that.

Any good or what? I don't know, it's a bit burnt on the top for me.

Yeah, as well.

And there's a hair, but it could be from anything. So I won't hold it against them. Could be directly from my face, my balls.

It's interesting, but it's not up there.

Nah.

So what was this called?

Tiramisu toast or something? No, no, that was a different place. This is just straight tiramisu.

Oh, okay.

From, um, oh, okay.

You know that place? Yeah, I do. Yeah, like a big pub thing. Well, I've only ever been there once and the seats had like deer hair on them.

Yeah, we got a furry blanket.

But honestly, and I don't mean to offend the establishment, but this isn't great.

No, it's not. The chalky bits with it is nice, but that doesn't count, does it?

No, because they're purely like— I'm not even gonna finish mine, mate. I will, because I'm nothing but stubborn and I've got to maintain a certain beer belly persona. But no.

Did we give them a fair run though without this?

Can we dab me a bit on that? What is it? It's coffee.

It's just coffee.

You just throwing cold coffee on me? Yeah. That makes sense.

I'll give it a bite with this.

If anything, it makes it a bit worse.

Doesn't it?

Yeah. It doesn't make it better at all.

Yeah, it's getting a 3 from me. Purely because it's tiramisu.

Yeah. Oh, that bit was awful. I'm really sorry to say awful in a— Yeah, it's all fine.

About someone's product.

Maybe take, maybe cut the awful bit out.

Yeah, maybe, no, just maybe cut their name out.

I don't know. Yeah, somewhere.

Yeah, I don't like fucking slagging them off.

No, but, no. I'm not doing a visual either.

Fuck it. Christ. Wow. That's disappointing, isn't it?

It's not often I put a spoon down. Down.

So what are you giving it? There's 3 for me.

2.

Need to give it some thought, right? Fair enough.

Yeah, I just can't— doesn't even seem to have the right components of a tiramisu.

It's a definite— it is a tiramisu. Yeah, it is.

It's recognizable as a tiramisu, The components just don't seem right. The flavor's definitely not right.

It's just so bland. The top burned.

And then the cold—

creme brûlée'd it, what they call when you— Oh yeah. Yeah, blowtorch. Clearly taking a blowtorch to it, which I don't think is fucking standard tiramisu practice, to be honest. No. I'm actually a bit annoyed.

Actually annoyed. Tiramisu. Yeah.

Well, that's that then. Yeah, it's kind of a somber fucking ending to this podcast.

What was your big news?

Oh, there wasn't big news.

I just opened it with a crescendo. Hold them on to the end. Hold them on to the end.

Someone signed an email off the other day, bye Ian, so I hope that person's listening.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, I hope it was in reference to— it wasn't to you, it was to Chloe, so And they won't call Ian? Nope. That's good. No. Nice. Yeah. I don't think so anyway.

Alright, fine. Alright then, well— Summarise the off-leash dog scenario in 6 words.

Don't give a fuck.

Just don't give a fuck.

No, don't give a fuck. Don't give a fuck. That's 4. Yeah. How many? You've got 2 spare. 6. Kick dog. Alright. If necessary. But I can't— I can't say the name, so that's it. Kick dog if necessary. Come on then, right, all done.

Say bye, Ian. Bye, Ian.