EP 86: He broke in (fighting intruders naked)

What you got in there, young man?

Cappuccino.

A cappuccino?

Hey, what do you mean you have to put a limit on the amount of beverages you're stuffing in?

A cappuccino. No, I've got too much soup, but I will maybe after, yeah, to be fair. Got a new coffee machine. Do we have— have we decided on a name for the coffee machine?

Picture it. No, no, a picture of it. Sorry, I just didn't want to say ping whilst you were still talking. It's an open floor. It's an open floor. I didn't want to interrupt your flow. No, fair enough.

What options did we have, mate? Cardi Bean was— we put a little—

yeah, that was good.

Mocha Lisa.

All right, Cardi Bean. Yeah, I prefer that one. Looks like Cardi. Mocha Lisa, I like. Now there's a couple more good ones. Get them up, young man. Have we talked about the young man? Felicity Bean.

Sean There is, he's there. Broccoli head boy. You know, there's like Gen Z broccoli head boys who get perms and that. We got one of them to try and like be down with the kids.

It's even green at the moment. Sorry, I can't see. It's even green. Is that— yeah, I don't— it's not.

Yeah, you're looking at a big gap in his teeth.

Where did he come at me then? I don't think someone— chicks have that though. It's quite attractive sometimes.

It's a great attribute.

I don't remember a particular one.

No, neither do I, but—

No, I do remember a particular one. Oh, you do? Who? When? I can't remember, but— No, I can't, I just can't remember a name.

You can remember, you're just too scared to say.

No, I honestly can't.

There he is, look.

There he is, he glimpsed in there and glimpsed back out.

Stella?

No. Caroline? No.

Karen?

No. Audrey?

Big Betty? Brew Barrymore! Quite good.

Yeah, that's pretty good. But that's more like tea though, surely? I think of a brew as a tea. No, that's true.

I know it's Brew Barrymore.

Does it do tea?

It does hot water, which is a component of tea.

Yeah, so if you've got a friend—

people have said Stella. Why is that?

Yeah, interesting.

Clarissa. Velma from Scooby-Doo because she gets shit done. Brenda.

Lila.

None of these are all that creative, they're just names.

No, I like the ones that come with a little rationale as well.

Yeah, I like a pun. Brewed Awakening.

Yeah, nice. Terrible.

Expressica. Like Jessica.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

Not too bad. Cardi Bean. Yeah, pretty good. Coffee Sabine. No, shite. Glenda. Caroncino.

Okay, that sounds more like arancini though.

Uncle Hanachi's Lady Lady. Latte Lady.

Karen again.

Lots of Karens. Kathleen, because it sounds like caffeine.

At least there's a rationale. I like it.

Another mock Elisa. Beanpot or Fred. Caffy, 'cause it sounds like cafe.

What the fuck?

Oh no, our audience are fucked. Josephine the caffeine machine.

Josephine, José.

Caffy the coffee machine. Yeah, I'm kind of disappointed in you, to be honest, guys.

Yeah, I'm stupid. Brew Baron was alright. Yeah, that was pretty good. But just, I think of a brew in Yorkshire as a tea, innit? Or especially Lancashire.

Ready, young man? There you go.

Somebody said Al Cappuccino.

Oh, actually, that's pretty good.

Yeah, Cappuccino.

Yeah, yeah, that's all right. Yeah, maybe, maybe you can let us know in the comments what we should call our new coffee machine. It's a bean to cup, if that helps.

What's been going on there, mate? Oh, Joe, there's something going on with me actually.

This isn't relevant. It sounds like a loaded question.

I don't know if you can see my leg. Can you see the The redness, the soreness. Yeah, what happened? Like folliculitis, I think.

What's that?

Too much skin disease. So I've not like hand-fed one of my own dogs for a while. Obviously I've got the bag and what— and I'm— you feeding him. Are we allowed to mention them? Because they've never given us any.

Yeah, I feel like they don't deserve it. Yeah, we're gonna bloop out your fucking name.

I fed them sneak, and it's really fatty, right? And what I realized, I put two and two together like Sherlock the fucking Holmes, and it's the fatty pocket There's my fat pocket.

There's osmosis.

It could be a euphemism.

Your fatty pocket. Yeah, like you whisper an eye on your wizard sleeve. My fatty pocket.

Anyway, my fatty pocket has been making, making me get tiny little fucking spots on my quad. It's horrible. So I came up with a solution. I was watching our good friend K9 Optima. He's always got his— he's got his— Optimus Prime. We've been watching Optimus Prime.

K9 Optimus Prime.

He's always got his pouch on, hasn't he? Yeah, I always kind of respect him fucking getting out and in and out, and it just looks fucking cool. So I'm back on it.

Does he front pouch it too? Yeah, I think he's hiding something.

At least it's covering the hole. Yeah, there's no holes today though, to be fair. These are my I've got 2 impact— impact pairs. I got 5 pairs, 2 are intact in that area. I have lost a pocket off the side of them. Well, there's 2 side pockets and now there's only one. What happened? You know when dogs come at you and they put their foot on it and over time just rip it off? Yeah. Oh, crazy. So although I don't— I ever got an intact groin.

Did you take it off or a dog took it off?

It was hanging on by a mere thread and I just falls it off. Yeah, yeah. So these are my— one of my two groin impact— impact intact pair.

I can't say intact like a dog. Yeah, like an intact—

these are my groinly intact pair times two, and I've got three pairs not being castrated. Yeah, fixed. I hate that term. Fixed makes me—

yeah, it's like the opposite, isn't it?

It's broke, dude.

Yeah, the opposite of fixed Broken and—

Yeah, so there we have it.

So you've got some sort of skin infection, or more like a bacteria thing, or— I don't know, but it's not like a fungi. Yeah, more likely a fungal effect, actually, like a mushroom infection.

Yeah, it could be. It doesn't seem too bad though. I'm hoping that I'm shifting away from the pocket into my, um, pouch, front pouch, trusty pouch, trusty—

Oh no, I feel like it's a backwards movement, to be honest, mate. Yeah, yeah, we used to do pouches and then we grew up.

Yeah, I know, do you know what I mean?

It's like stabilizers on the bike.

Yeah, but if it— can we call it a lateral movement just to save my quad?

Yeah, all right. Yeah, I don't want to have a peer pressure, um, snorkeling incident again.

Exactly. Look how that turned out.

Yeah, look, look how—

Ah, you fucking— Are you good or not? Nah, lost time. I know. He's never fucking ending, isn't it?

Anyway, hope that video lives with you forever.

Yeah.

And you're poorly. Knee dog.

Racism's real too.

Go on then.

Discovered that in the last two days.

Cool then.

Yeah. So essentially I went to. I had an appointment last night and I'm driving back and I'm thinking I'm going to take. I'm going to take the bike to the park to play Frizz Frizz afterwards. Fuck.

Do you mean an appointment? You get your brows done or something?

What's going on?

Don't you want to start that.

game. No, all right, continue, sir. As you were. So I ever said anything? Oh, it was a physio appointment.

Um, go on then.

I'll go to the park. I'll nip to the park, play a bit of frisbee with the flea bag while still capturing a bit of daylight. And as I got there, there's a cockapoo on the end of a harness going absolutely fucking skittles at a kid and a woman on a bike. And they didn't really flinch, they didn't really bat an eye, they were just like cockapooning. Yeah. And then this morning, obviously I'm now a mad cyclist myself and the bike comes with me.

Throw a video up here.

Didn't see, um, didn't see too much stuff on the actual route itself. Just as I'm about to come home, he's fucking off doing his thing, trying around and happy as fuck. And this girl cycled past me, obviously she like overtook you.

You got overtook?

I got overtaken. It was an incline, like gravity does not— it's not my friend on an incline. No, fair. Got overtaken. She ends up maybe like 30 yards in front of me. And he did like a loop and like looked at her. And you know, like with zero fucking interest. No, like, oh, there's something. Just like literally, oh, there's a person, kept on moving. She fucking— She wobbled. She like swerved towards a stone wall. I was just like, oh God. She nearly came off. I'm like, fuck me, that was dramatic. He's still like 50 metres away from her. Just because he's— slightly orientated towards her. She's like, oh, fucking melon flute coming at me. I was just like, it was really sad because he's such a fucking happy little bloke anyway. But anyway, fuck him, racist.

I don't mean to two-shed you here, but I've got a similar story. I don't know if I'm allowed to tell it.

Yeah, I don't mind being two-shedding. Like, how many sheds we've got here?

Remember all of the street?

No, like 7 fucking sheds at least. Like actual shit.

Yeah, we do actually have way more sheds than whoever's listening to this, unless you own a shed, like wholesale shed place.

I hope there's a guy, yeah, or even a lady who just sends in a big 1,246 sheds, boys. Does it count if it's a flat pack though? I don't think it does. You've got over an erect shed, haven't you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you've— if you don't come at us, we're talking erect sheds right now.

Flaccid shed's just wood in it. Yeah, that's just fine.

If you don't get the joke here, a two-shedder is someone that like tries to one-up you all the time. Yeah, you've got one shed, they've got two. Hence me about to two-shed Kirky.

Yeah, which is fine, you do it all the time.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Anyway, you know, I'm a street dog. Yeah, um, ultimate good boy. Yeah, I was walking him down Otley Road and a cyclist was coming the opposite way and he was just fine. He was just fine walking to heel. We'd done like a bit of training at that point. We might be like a quarter of the way through his time.

Yeah, done a bit of training, some moves and that.

He fucking throws himself at the cyclist, the cyclist hits a bollard, swerves, hits a bollard and goes off his bike.

But to be fair, he's got a good reason though. I don't think that's too shedding, that's different shedding. There was this— they didn't—

there was this sort of space, but I don't know, fucking— who fucking—

you would give it one of you, wouldn't you?

He could have like gone into a bus or something like that. Oh shit.

But he didn't know, so he's okay.

No, he didn't.

It's okay. But yeah, I did feel bad and I was like, did you learn a lesson?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Did you learn out of that? Well, I don't take him anywhere near fucking bikes ever again.

Don't take him to Halfords.

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, stay away from velodromes.

Yeah, so if you're listening by some chance, amazing. I'm sorry.

But thank you for the giggle.

He's just got received closure.

Yeah.

Yeah, nice.

Imagine if he didn't know it was you and then did happen to listen to the podcast and then realize—

and I was just put two and two together and he'd be like, ah, son of a gun. Yeah, son of a gun. Yeah, unsubscribe.

Yeah, dislike, thumb down. So mine was more a dog racism story. Ours was just a funny incident story. So I don't think he was even a two-shed, it was like a lateral shed. All right, so you were greenhouse-ing my shed.

Yeah, fair enough.

It's way better at what it does. Yeah, yeah, something like that.

So what the fuck was yours to do with dog racism?

Well, my point in fact was that this small child and like mum gave no shits about this cockatoo going batshit at him, whereas my dog glanced at this lady from 15 fucking meters away momentarily.

Yeah, but to be fair, it's a different test group.

Yeah, that is true, that is true.

The child and woman might have seen Fleabag.

And what I'll try and do is find the same— I'll book a physio appointment for—

and the same lady on the bike. Yeah.

And then see if she swerves. Yeah.

Or the same child. If you go looking for that, you walk around the park. Yeah. And just say, have you seen this child?

Yeah.

And have a little poster, like a little picture in your pocket.

Yeah, that's not—

and just ask as many people as you can.

I don't see me getting any trouble for that.

No, that'll be fine. In fact, can you describe the child? We'll maybe put a shout out to the kind of short infosphere with a helmet on, blonde hair, beautiful eyes, girl.

I don't know, that's about as far as I go. I don't know what else do they have. I'm pretty sure all of his teeth were present.

A toothy child.

I don't know what the fuck is—

I haven't seen a child with teeth. I need to— I need it for an experiment.

How to describe a person, that's bad, isn't it? So if I ever witness a crime, if I ever witness a crime, just— you might as well just keep going with the crime because I'm probably not gonna be able to tell anyone who— that you did it. So, but if it's a bike, I'll probably be able to draw it accurately.

Yeah, that's a fair point, to be fair. So contrary to my prerequisite, you still have confidence as well with that. I was ultimately confident. Yeah, you were not going to be able to draw a bicycle, and you proved me wrong.

And I could see why you would be, because I can't draw anything else.

Yeah, and no one could draw bicycles. It turns out you can draw one thing, and it's the one thing that no one else can draw. A little bit like the white chocolate cheesecake, in a way.

See?

Yeah, it's known for wonderful desserts. Oh, amazing. Yeah, so, um, I kind of wanted to give this place a shout out, but We've not actually tested it, so it might be shit.

You're waiting for the test. Well, I'm going to give them a shout out because the tin's cool as shit, and you could probably re—

Oh yeah, you can't give them a shout out though because we don't know what they're called.

Unless you do.

Oh, uh, it's being described as a little Italian bakery.

It could be Peng.

Oh, there you go. Shout out to these folks. Yeah, that's it. But we'll see, actually, it could be shit.

No, but the tin's good. The tin is phenomenal. And you can hold it up. You could upcycle that into a cigar box or something similar. Yeah, you could do a swank box.

Yeah, well, you put your tissues and lube in there, you see.

Yeah.

Do you want to—

should we do like a powdery— wow, the aroma is great. I wish I really could only smell through the thing. But then, so did this come from online? Did it? Some, some— so someone else, if they're— oh, it's a local thing. Yeah, but did they post online? Because I'm just thinking if someone wanted to really experience the smell that we're experiencing right now, they could order online.

I don't know. Yeah, sure. From this place here.

I feel like it should be.

They've got a QR code. Let's put the QR code up.

Nice.

I don't know what happens when you scan it.

Show, look.

Classic tiramisu. Like it's sold a joke. Like a shit dad joke.

Can't say tiramisu.

No. Just loaded up a picture of a guy riding a bike.

Simone just said something in there and a lady said, oh my God, afterwards. And it—

I'm curious now.

Yeah, now I'm kind of curious. Has he naked himself? Oh my God, has he bared himself?

Is he de-loined?

Declothes thyself like a fucking— oh my God, this left bollock has just fallen out. Is it any good or what? Probably, mate.

What is the point in this queue? Oh fuck, there it is. Just says tiramisu.com. It turns out as well, tiramisucake.co.uk. What the fuck?

Yeah, so surely that's like a fucking—

just like a Wikipedia page of tiramisu so they could say, no, we're on, we're on, we're on, we're on. Oh, here you go. It's called tiramisu cake. Great taste. It's an award-winning tiramisu. So this is a decaf one as well.

Oh, brilliant.

It's alcohol-free, so that's good because we don't drink.

No, they got a matcha one. Have we had a podcast since you played your game?

Oh shit, we haven't.

We can come to that in a minute, can't we?

Yeah, well, should we load up some tiramisu and then talk?

Yeah, please, because I'm actually quite hungry as well.

I'm hungry.

I'm hung hung. You got your live before?

No, not today. It's a week off, so you can really rip into this then.

Yep. Oh wow, that looks good. Wow, I'm a fan by the aesthetics at least.

I'll let you portion up yourself, mate.

Yeah, go on.

That's it.

Yeah, yeah, nice. Yeah, this could turn into like a cookery, a cookery cast.

Yeah, fuck it, it could be anything we wanted to be at this point.

White chocolate. Do love a cheesecake. That's great. Really is. How does this compare to that supermarket-bought one that we have in the—

Better.

Yeah? Mm. Mm. No? Yeah.

Yeah?

I was saying mm as in like, mm.

What is mascarpone? It's like an Italian cream.

Oh, it's a cheese. Mm. It's one of the— Vlogs. One of the—

Yeah.

I think so. It's one of the cheeses I use in my cheesecake blend. Don't give it all away. No, I won't. I did say one-off.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, you can tell actually. You can tell it's the cheese and not just—

Yeah, it is kind of cheesy.

Yeah. Wonderful. It's not that sweet, but— Don't mind it. No. Yeah. I can imagine—

Definitely not overpowering.

No, and I imagine you could eat way more of it. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. What are you thinking? Susie, I think you should have a spoonful. Oh, cool. Right now? Have it now?

Yeah.

Yeah, go get a spoon and give it to her.

You're like a baby bird. Oh. Yeah.

Go on. Walk straight through like you're proud. You are proud, so you should. You want a spoony too? Well—

I don't mind you having a spoon.

What? I didn't say you. You gotta earn your spoon. You gotta earn your spoon.

You can have a— You've earned your spoon, so you can have one of those little coffee stirring sticks.

You were in a bit of a bucket with me, to be fair there, young man. Yeah. And you've dug most of the way out of that bucket. Yeah, come on then. Yeah, it makes sense, yeah. I really enjoyed this. Mm. I hope there's more.

You have 2 more of them. Oh, brilliant.

Wow. That's great. Totally different. Totally different to that other one.

You can go straight through that gap in your tooth with that spoon. Yeah, I know. You're very efficient. Don't even have to open your mouth.

What are you saying? Yeah? Very coffee-y. Coffee-y. And cheesy, do you think? Cheesy. Yeah, a little aftertaste of cheese. Very cheesy. Not sweet. No, not overly. But I don't think it's meant to be sweet, particularly. It's like a cream. I don't know, well— Well, currently it's winning my award of 2.

Yeah, so we'll have a little chart. Chart.

Nice.

So this is number 1. Yeah, comparatively to Morris, number 2. So yeah, come out of a 9-year retirement on the weekend, throw some pickies up. Oh, we'll also throw a video up of me getting absolutely fucking walloped. Yeah, she caught on camera.

Yeah, it's amazing.

And then I threw up shortly after.

There'll be so many people enjoying that.

Yeah, for 2 reasons. Mainly canine.

Optimus Prime. Yeah. Probably Zach George too, maybe.

But neither of them would get on the pitch though, would they?

No, I would do fuck.

No, not without those big pads.

They gotta wear pads and that in it.

Yeah.

Anyway, I really enjoyed it though. I came to watch you.

Yeah, you did. We'll throw a picture up here. You had a beer.

Yeah, I held one. Yeah, nice. Yeah, I held a beer for the first time in a long time, which is good. Um, good location, liked it. Solid.

Yeah, it was a good day for it though. Yeah, yeah, I think if it was pissing down, it'd be absolutely fucking miserable.

I would still have come though. Fair. I got a lot of like decent jackets.

Yeah, you do, to be fair. You put a whole— you did like an expo, a jacket expo the other day. It's true. Yeah, it was like Tony Stark when he lines up all his suits.

Yeah, kind of.

Yeah, you could have a museum, a jacket museum.

I could have.

Yeah, you knew so much about them too. Yeah, looks like me and Salomon's. Yeah, you probably have more jackets than I have Salomons, to be fair.

Oh yeah, comfortably. Yeah, I've got ones in my cupboard I've never worn. Amazing.

Yeah, like a chick.

But you never know when they're gonna discontinue that jacket, and then what the fuck are you gonna do then? Because you loved it so much. Yeah, almost as much as I love coming to watch you play.

Oh yeah, that's what we're talking about. Yeah, they were good fun.

That's the first thing you saw. I pulled up, I was probably about a minute or two late. In fact, I wasn't even late, he kicked off early. The little— well, he wasn't little, was he? He was a big unit.

A big unit.

A big fat mess.

No, no, we didn't call him a big fat fucking ginger mess. No, no, we say that. No, it's just a big—

so he kicked off early. You, you guys must have scored within the first 1 or 2 minutes.

Yeah, shout out to Big Shane.

I was like, fuck, I've seen the conversion get sent and I was like, fuck's sake, they better not be in the room. I was fucking going. But then obviously we're walking down, you took— I don't know if it was the actual kickoff carry or second gear, I think so. And then I just see you fucking run over some dudes. Yeah, and I was like, their biggest prop, there he is, look. And you promised me you'd do that as well before the game, so like, hands off to you. I believe it's hats.

Yes, hands off.

Hands off also. Hand off also.

And then I— yeah, it was great. Continue to just get very tired. Very, very tired.

You look tired at times. Well, it's the first time in 9 years. If you weren't tired, I'd be questioning how much of a dig you had.

How much effort.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a busy day out for me. Enjoyed Yeah, doing a little bit of everything. Yeah, a little bit of kicking, catching, attacking. Yeah, ended up defending on the wing at one point, tired.

Yep.

Yeah, got man of the match. Yeah, I'd take my shirt off.

Yep, there it is again. Yep, if you've not seen on the Insta Waffler and all that, I kept a couple of those for you.

Wank bank.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, first the other guy No, no, but you had to tag a guy in to do the drinking for you, which—

yeah, because we don't drink.

And he did good too.

Oh, he can drink.

He didn't mess about.

No, it's not like he's like— wasn't his first rodeo.

Oh, fuck no.

3 gulps, yeah, some doing that.

I remember going on a stag do with like predominantly Rugby Union players. Fuck me, can they do this?

Oh, they can drink.

Yeah, outrageous. Like, there's me just like sipping Sipping your cider, sippy cup, might as well have two fucking handles on it and a lid.

And they're doing fucking yard glasses, doing a—

yeah, doing a Guinness.

And out of your mate's asshole.

I even have a video actually. If I've got a video and I'm like, and I get permission to put it up, I will do.

Is it Big Lou Whitey that can light down a pipe?

Yeah, he was there.

Yeah, but I think it'd be good if we could dig a video out of that.

I feel like— was his dad beat him? Oh, but he is, and he's, he's legendary for this.

He's the one, he's a legendary alcoholic, bit like Kelly the dog walker. I wonder what Kelly the dog walker could do with a pint. Probably fucking smash it.

Yeah, I want to see that.

She's a keen drinker.

Tag her in something. I don't know if it's here or somewhere else.

They're downing a pint challenge. Yeah, yeah. Apparently there's no other dog walker that can down a pint like Kel's.

No. Yeah, but obviously like, what's his dad's a thing of legend or creature of legend, and he was the one who originally came up with if you're not 100 kilos you can't call yourself a bloke. And I've stuck by that my whole life now, and I will continue to stick by it.

Surely you'll be—

yeah, the only point where I will be sub-bloke is when I'm fucking ashes, because that's it.

Yeah, you would, you would require to have HIV or AIDS.

Yeah, that's the only way.

That was the only way. Yeah, you'd be, you'd be sub-hundy as a seriously terminally ill, like, terminal illness. K9 Optimus Prime weighs I'm still thinking he's short. So yeah, I know, you don't go on about someone else's height that much unless you're actually a short ass yourself.

Do you reckon like he put an exercise machine up the other day from shoulder pressing, right? And he sent me a version of it too. It was funny, it's funny as fuck to be fair. But you reckon he had that machine specially made to be smaller? Yes, he looked normal. Yeah, I think he would do that too.

It started with small 50ps.

Yeah.

And then small Coke cans.

Yeah. Yeah, nice.

He's probably got his very own personal fabricator that builds various things to a, to a 50% size ratio to just make him look 50% bigger, or yeah, 100% bigger.

So what made you resurge your career? I don't know if you should call it a career, but yeah, I don't think it ever was a career. I definitely don't think it's gonna be one. What made you resurge yourself into the rugby league, um, I wanted something to do other than work, I guess. Yeah, but why that though? Because you could have played cards.

I could have done high rocks.

No, I'd have killed you. Well, yeah, I'd rather you play darts than high rocks.

Well, yeah, I'd rather do anything.

No, I was trying to— I was trying to fuck—

oh, okay, you're talking about dogs.

Yeah, trying to just, you know, make it semi-relevant. It will say, even if it's so far, it's a bit of a stretch. Yeah, clutching on straws.

All right, I don't think this is actually—

I don't think it is.

No, it's not. It's definitely actually not. So I could have done high rocks. Yeah, you could have, but it's lacking a very key component, right?

Yeah.

I could have played cards or darts, also lacking a very key component.

Yeah.

Of a particular box that needs ticked for a particular type of person.

Yeah.

You know, I kind of think I know where you're going with it. I could have done CrossFit.

Fuck.

Imagine, imagine fucking band around my head. Do CrossFit J-Rod deadlifts. Can you imagine?

I mean, was it like the fucking tape on your hands and shit? I just—

yeah, K-tape all over me. Yeah, oh mate, it's nuts.

Yeah, bandana, shirt off, like long Sports.

But we'll stick to— we'll stick to the, the high rocks thing. All right, because there's a lot of people having midlife crises and joining like running clubs and stuff like that.

Yeah.

Hey, I've even started running too, to be fair.

Hey, an activity though.

Jogs.

We're not hammering activity. Yes, you actually recommended that we went for a cycling jog together.

Yeah, some sort of triathlon.

Yeah, a biathlon.

Yeah, fine.

I'd really look good. I'd enjoy that.

Yeah, we'll do it. Before this podcast comes out, and we'll do a little video up there.

Joey. Yes. Yeah.

So yeah, could have done High Rocks, which is just competitive exercise, I guess. Yeah, if you could even call it competitive, I guess. I mean, you get a participation award, I think.

Yeah, that's the bit that makes it non-competitive, because you can just turn up, you can, you can just finish and get an award, I think.

Yeah, I don't— like, I'm really confused. If anyone knows anything about it, like, why would you not just choose to do an actual sport?

I don't—

yep, because they probably try hard, I guess.

I got no answer for you.

I guess I'm preaching to the choir, right? Yeah, but I thought the point of exercise was to like get you better at like doing actual stuff, you know? Yeah, but now it's its own thing. Yeah, CrossFit started it. Yeah, and now I don't know what's happened. Yeah, surely these people were just never good at a sport.

Yeah, yeah, my— yeah, fuck knows, mate. I just don't know.

It's perplexing, you know.

I honestly don't know because, like you say, to me it's just fucking exercising. Yeah, I don't know, like, why we then make that into a sport.

It's certainly not ticking that box though.

No, not for— I suppose, like you say, different strokes for different folks and all that. Yeah, because as much as I like to shoot shit, like, I don't know how much of a sport shooting is. Nah, it's not me against you, is it? Yeah, right, in terms of the scope, it's not dominating another man. No, no, you can, you know, do more lunges than them.

That's not dominating them. No, when you take them and you grip them and you take them to the ground and you get up all close and sweaty, clothed or unclothed, dethroned or deloined or loined or any of the above. And then you shower together after. Nothing really ticks a box like that.

No, no, it doesn't. Really doesn't. When we say it like that, it makes obvious sense to people. I'm sure.

I think the word you're looking for is closeted, fellas. Maybe. Yeah, but, um, yeah, I couldn't just That's why I did jiu-jitsu as well. That was— that ticked that same box of just rolling around with men.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, yeah, this is—

now there is a physical component with a certain type of person. I think that probably, you know, we've evolved for a long time on Saturday, but I was just like, I fucking wish my knee hadn't fallen off. Would you have a go if you hadn't fallen off?

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, I would, because I would have never had any interest otherwise.

But that would be crazy, wouldn't it? I genuinely don't think I could fucking, you know, even if we just like Forrest Gump'd you straight, you know what I mean?

Maybe one day there'll be some sort of thing that can fix it.

And then what is wrong with your knee? What's the— there's no cartilage, is it?

No cartilage, no meniscus. And over time, that bone-on-bone smacking, you know, they're just pounding. Yeah, that pounding for a decent length of time, way more than we've ever experienced before.

Yep. I wouldn't know.

It's created excessive bone growth, and now my excessive bone growth. Yeah, basically, I don't know, I chose to pull the fuck.

You got a club knee?

Yes. Yeah, no extension of the knee. Kind of fucked it.

Oh, that's a shame.

Yeah.

But I guess the dog training point we're making right now is a certain type of dog needs to let the dog out sometimes, you know?

Yeah.

And a certain type of— and if we— if certain activities don't have those particular components, that dog might come out elsewhere. I hope I don't lose dog.

What?

I hope I don't lose that dog in me because like, oh yeah, all in ruggers.

Yeah, yeah, no, you won't because it's kind of different life dog to Saturday though.

Saturday dog, yeah.

It's like, like the bag, I go cycling with him to exercise him and it helps him a bit, but he fucking loves having a scrap with fucking toy. Yeah, it's totally different. And if he doesn't do it, he's a little knob.

Yeah, nice. Are you less of a knob now, you think? I could be less of a knob.

I think you've already less of a knob. Don't you think, everyone? Guys, what do you reckon? One blowout? No, it's been great this week. Yeah, mellow.

It's called depression. It's called the saturdays.

Yeah. Yeah, fair enough.

Yeah. Oh, that's funny. Um, so yeah, next game is, uh, next week.

Yeah, I'll be there.

They're trying to move it to a home game because if we can't facilitate the home fixture we're meant to have because the pitch is taken that day, so they're just trying to swap it around in the season.

Oh, okay.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

So yeah, it'll be good. We're thinking about getting a piss-up bus going, wouldn't we?

Yeah, I was gonna—

you're gonna be a nominee driver?

Like, yeah, Burnley people, obviously, like Michael.

Yeah, Michael.

It was mostly Michael. Yeah, he said— I didn't know Michael. At the end of the game, when you were doing the drinking thing, he was like, fuck me, if I'd known this happened, I'd have had a game. I was like, I'm sure you— they're always looking for new people, mate.

I saw him eat more than I've ever seen anyone eat ever in my life yesterday. It was actually fucking insane, wasn't it?

Like, crazy.

Genuinely had about 7 meals.

I only see him around the snack box, but a lot.

Like, yeah, but there's stuff that happens in between that as well. Actual meals, constantly eating. Yeah.

Soup though.

Yeah, yeah.

Was it soup?

Yeah, I don't know, because that's an entrée. Yeah, it is an entrée, but to be fair, I've seen him put some substance back.

Yeah, fair enough.

He's quite tall, to be fair. Yeah, he looks like someone that has a high metabolism though, doesn't he?

Yeah, got that kind of crackhead look about him. Crouchy crackheads, always ripped to bits, aren't they?

Yeah. You ever fought a crackhead?

No, I've dragged one out of a road. And just help him. Or I was driving to the gym to open on a Sunday morning, this motherfucker's laid in the road. I'm like, right, he's like, no, not doing too good. Yeah, but you see the guy and you're like, well, I get— I see why he's doing what he is. And I drove past, and expert at the time was like, no, you can't just leave him in the fucking road. And I was like, I probably can. And she's like, no, no, no, you can't do that.

And I was like, ah.

So I pulled over Which bit did you grab of him? Like, he's— can I just— yeah, yeah, like this. Oh, from both sides. Yeah, just fucking— I yeeted him out of the road.

You just fucking— like a, like a discus throw?

Yeah, like a rotational yeet. Yeah, yeah. But the funniest part of it was, as I did that, police car pulled up by the other side of the road and said, what have you done to him then?

What, on a Sunday morning?

And I was just like, fuck off.

What have you done to him then?

Yeah, and then they go, you know, they do something. Yeah, they're like fucking swagging in there. I'm like, right, they were bullied in school, you fat little fuck. I don't know, they might make it, I don't know. Um, and then they're like giving me the fucking third degree, like, who is he then? I don't know. You know, why are you asking? Oh, you can't because he's unconscious.

Because he's a smackhead.

And then they were like, well, we need to know where he is. And I was like, well, maybe if you look at his fucking wallet there, or maybe that's his phone over there, you might have an idea.

Smackheads don't have wallets and phones.

Well, it was something. He had a phone. It was an old fucking thing.

But yeah, he stole it. Yeah, but yeah, it's very robust and durable though, smackheads, to be fair.

Yeah, I've got another funny smackhead story. It also involves the gym.

Oh, I remember this one.

Were you there?

Uh, I was a— so they said just before, just after—

there was a dude called Mac, not your Mac, and he had a very nice BMW and he parked at the top of the gym thing so he could always see his car. And like, it was getting late on in the day, um, he's about to leave, and I'm like, mate, there's a bloke under your car. And he's like, what? And he comes over, but he doesn't go to the car. He stands well inside the gym and just like, yeah, there is, yeah. I'm like, but you're gonna go ask what he's doing then, or what? And he was like, no, no, no. And he goes back in the gym even though he's about to leave the gym.

Yeah.

And I came looking at him, and this is actually a bit weird, so I went out to see who he was. It's a smackhead who'd stolen a car, driven into the car park, the door's open, the engine's still running— not Mark's car— and he like crawled himself out, and he's like, I'm bleeding to death. I'm like, oh yeah, are you?

This isn't the story I was thinking of, remarkably, but go on.

Are you? And he was like, yeah. And I was like, how do you know? He's like, look, and he'd been injecting himself like in his inguinal. Oh, and it was bleeding, to be fair, but it was like largely clotted. Oh, and he was like, I've done it in an artery, I've done it in an artery. And I'm like, fucking hell, mate, come on, you know what I'm like. Oh God, be less graphic. He goes, I've done it in an artery. And I just went, well, you can't— bow and arrow. Yeah, artery. And I just went, you can't have done, mate. And he was like, why? Because you bleed out in like seconds. And he was like, oh really?

Oh well, in that case.

Anyway, it's so fucking— well, he did it and he stayed late in the car park. And then this lasso came out. Dan was dating at the time, like, put that fucking thing under his head. They just like laid there for a bit, but then the ambulance came and they're like, oh yeah, we know him.

That's Steve.

Yeah, that's his parole officer's car. We'll return it at some point.

That's mental. What was the time that a bloke walked up off?

Oh yeah, that way. He wasn't a smackhead. He was like, I think he'd been—

wasn't he like a poet or something?

Yeah, transported forward in time from like— I got loads of witnesses. Christmas Day. He was a bard, I think. It was Christmas Day. Obviously they train in the gym on Christmas Day. Other people do know that we're weird. It's fine, I got no else to do. And then at the back of the gym there's a load of commotion and my mate comes in laughing and he's like, mate, there's a fucking odd bloke outside trying to ask if you can come into the gym. I'm like, what the fuck? He climbed up, bearing in mind, I'll maybe get a picture. It's incredibly steep, it's like nigh on vertical to a railway line. He climbed up with a bike and with a carrier bag.

He's got smackhead strength at least.

Yeah. And then he's like, can I come in? I was like, well, you'll have to throw your gear up. He would not let me touch his gear. I was like, just pass it over, man. I was like, nah, nah. And he's like climbing over this fucking high fence.

How has he ended up there?

I don't know. With his bike on his one shoulder and his fucking carrier bag of swag, I can only assume, on another shoulder. And he's like getting over it. It's ungainly, but he is. He's only like wee fella, he's short. Not—

we need a bit in half. It's not as short as K9 Optima, but short enough.

And he's wearing like fucking waistcoat, like tweedy waistcoat, tweed jacket, matching pants. It was such a fucking—

I'm picturing him in a hat with a feather on or something like that.

He did have like one of those, uh, you know, Peaky Blinders hats. Yeah, one of them. But this was way before Peaky Blinders. All right, it was very unusual.

What sort of bike did he have, a penny farthing?

It was non-functional. It could be, it could have been a penny farthing. Yeah, it was pretty funny. You can't find actual him, we'll get a, um, yeah, we'll get an AI mockup. We know how good I am at describing people, so I can only assume it's going to be really accurate.

Should I tell my smackhead story of the whole COVID thing? I don't think I've told that one.

No, you should.

Gypsy one.

Yeah, you should.

I still haven't told the Rice Krispie story either. No, which is episode 100. Yeah, we'll do the Rice Krispie story. Yeah, 80-something, nearly 90.

So it'll be this year then.

Stick around.

And, uh, amazing. It has.

Yeah, people are starting to think it's not even a real thing, and I guarantee it's a real thing.

Yeah, you wouldn't do that.

Do you know the Rice Krispie story?

No, but I know that you wouldn't falsify a story.

It was when I was working at Rhino's, and it was such a good story. I told my manager at the time, and he was like bent over laughing for about 3 days.

So Leon?

Uh, yeah, it was Leon. And then he got me at the Rhino's like end of year dinner to like get up and tell everyone the story. It was like Gary Heffington, and Gary Heffington was killed over laughing.

It's kind of wild that— Oh, well, I know the story. Do you? Yeah.

Do you?

Yeah, do you? I'll tell it. I'll tell you off camera. All right, we're off sound. What are we on? Both. We're off camera and sound so that I don't have to cover my mouth. But I remember it now. I remember it. Yeah, okay.

In the school.

Yep. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a good one.

Anyway, smackhead story. This is COVID time. I'm in bed.

What are you wearing?

Um, jammy bottoms, so no top. Yeah, silk stripes on.

Nice.

Baby blue pinstripes, jammy bottoms, barefoot, definitely.

Yeah, because that's actually key to the story.

Yeah, I was with an ex-partner at the time, a female one, business partner. It doesn't matter, I wouldn't know. I wouldn't bring up an ex-business partner for anyone on the podcast.

Oh, I wouldn't do that to you.

And, uh, anyway, lying down in bed, and there was like French doors at the end of the bed with like 2-foot gap between the end of the bed and the French doors.

Yep.

And, um, I was in like a sleepy daze. It was 2 or 3 in the morning, it was around that time. I'm in a sleepy daze and, uh, I'm like looking. And you know when you're just like, you're half asleep, you're half awake, are you in a dream or you in reality? I'm fucking looking, there's some stood at the end of the bed. Just a black fucking figure. Now, I've had sleep paralysis before, okay? I was like, oh shit, it's one of those. I've had crazy sleep paralysis to the point of like, I, I saw, um, uh, the Monopoly man in my bedroom, and I was like doing like this trying to hit him. And also, uh, another thing I saw during one of these episodes, which is this— anyway, slight sidetrack, but you know what people like get married under those like just things. One of them was just in the middle of my room.

Is that like drug-induced or just sleep-induced?

It was drug-induced, but it was, it was just sleeping tablets.

All right, I've had some weird ones like that coming around from general anaesthetic and that.

It was like true hallucinations.

Yeah, crazy.

Anyway, I'm like, fuck, there's someone at the end of the bed. Oh, this could be dog training related, to be fair.

Yeah.

And, um, I just was like and chased him.

Nice.

It went to him.

Yeah.

He like snipped out the doors, and like where we were staying at the time, there was like big concrete steps. Like you go out and big concrete steps. He ran out of there, and I just continued to pursue this guy.

Yeah, nice.

And I jumped down the steps and broke my foot, my heel bone. You didn't realize at the time, obviously.

No, after you did. Yeah, that's very relevant.

And I caught him and I tackled him and we have a, um, we have a scruff, a scuffle, hand-to-hand combat. We have hand-to-hand combat. I dominated again, of course. I just come off the back of a win in, uh, Mallorca, in a way, winning Mallorca with a gypsy in a supermarket. My confidence is at an all-time high. So anyway, I was just really annoyed. My partner's running around screaming without a shirt on as well. This guy is like screaming. I've, I've got him in an, uh, it's called a necktie, where I've like pulled his hand across there. I'm just punching him repeatedly in the face because I'm just annoyed at this point that how dare you at 3 in the morning be stood over me whilst I'm sleeping.

I get it.

You, you wouldn't be best pleased, right?

No.

So anyway, And this is one of the most courageous things I've ever seen anyone do. Not what I did, but the next-door neighbor, who was a 17-year-old kid, after hearing this, he fucking— in his jammies, shirtless— he fucking ran out and ran around and ran into the melee.

Yeah, brilliant.

I know.

Do you even have— you just let go of my friend. Shit, it was just his mate. He lost his foot.

Anyway, I get chatting to this guy I've apprehended because he's also from Wales.

All right.

And as I was giving him abuse, he was like, oh, you're Welsh too?

I'm like, yeah. And it's not gonna get mad, I turn Welsh, right? Yeah, he knows it's true. Oh, funny.

So I'm punching fucking I'm punching the fuck out of this guy, which I really shouldn't admit.

Anyway, he's like, I'm gonna fuck—

don't think anyone's gonna—

I am.

And I'm like, no, you're not. I was trying to just knock him out, just so— I just couldn't do it.

Yeah, see, he's harder than the movies. Except unless it's me. Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Anyway, so it turns out he is from Wales. Turns out he's a smackhead. And he's trying to break in and obviously rob us and stuff like that. He has a knife on him though. Um, he has like screwdrivers and it's a Stanley knife, so it was a bit ambiguous whether it was a knife to like intend to harm or a knife to use as a tool to break in and rob places. Yeah. Um, so yeah, the police rock up, but by the time the police rock up, it's like 45 minutes later. I'm just straddling this smack.

Good that they were in a rush.

And he was like, fuck, I'll be honest with you, like fucking punched my head in. Uh, I'm not gonna run away or anything. I think you just fucking catch me again. So do you mind if I get off the concrete? Like, because I'm hurting a bit. And I was like, yeah, all right, yeah, okay. Yeah. So anyway, by the time the police come, me, young, young man, and the smacker just sat in a fucking panel doing— and he's like, I fucking got no money. Like, I just go around robbing all these places, I do. And I was I was like, well, fucking fair enough, but you robbed like the wrong gaff, innit? And he's like, yeah. So the police rocked up and they like pulled up in like a big convoy, about 6 police cars.

Oh nice.

And then they're like, who are we arresting? And they moved towards me. I was like, oh no, it's him there. And they were like, oh yeah.

No, please not me, ideally him. Oh, fuck's sake.

And yeah, and, um, yeah, he was in a pretty bad way. His injuries that he obviously experienced were all sustained from the fall of the steps.

Yeah. Um, the police found roll up and down a couple of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You like run up there and it's like a bit of like a Mickey Mouse type of thing. Yeah, Tom and Jerry, I mean. Um, so yeah, um, he went to prison for 3 years. Yeah, they rang me up and we're just like, oh yeah, you know that guy? Because he had a weapon on him. It was like his 42nd offense. I was like, how do you let that go that far? I felt kind of sorry for him in the end though, because like he just had a fucking shit life and nothing really going for him. And yeah, and then he got beaten up by a big Welsh kid Yeah, real fucking tough hard wheels. I just felt like if I hadn't caught that guy, I would have had to live with the unknown of like who was stood over my bed that time. Yeah, I did like, um, fuck that.

Interesting that that's your— that's your take on it.

But yeah, that's my exact take on it.

It's not what I thought you were going to say. I thought you were going to say, what if he robbed the next house and like killed an old grandma, isn't it?

Oh yeah, he could have done, to be fair.

Even if it was inadvertent, like a heart attack or something.

I think, I don't know, maybe, maybe a dog training thing. Maybe someone I gave a fuck about was next to me and that triggered a particular type of response. Maybe if I was on my own, I might have showed a different response.

Yeah, come in. Yeah, I got a bit of pizza left.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, duty of care, I think, at that point, perhaps. Yeah, use a good analogy the other day in one of my mentee groups where it was like, uh, if I was walking down the road with my partner um, and come across some hoodlums like our broccoli head friend over there. Yeah, you know, and they've got their hoods up and stuff like that, I'd feel more defensive than comparatively if I was walking down the road with you. Yeah, because the relationship would probably feel more offensive. Oh yeah, yeah. And then we could be with them.

Yeah, fuck's sake. Remind me to tell you about my car chase story one time. On the pod or off the pod? Yeah, good. Pod's fine. Yeah, it's kind of a similar thing. Yeah. It didn't end as emphatic as yours, but it's kind of funny and, and not dissimilar.

And we might have to— you want to tell it now?

I could do, yeah, yeah, go for it. So I'm in bed and I can't remember which dog I had. I usually had the rear or Moles, and I heard him fucking booting off, and I'm like, that's like unusual because again, like 2, 3 in the morning. So that point I'm at my other house, so my bedroom's like facing out the front. So I look out the front windows and I could sort of see the back of car, like on the street. Thought nothing of that. But then I looked the other way, I seen some fucking— some of these fellas, like, trying people's dolls and that.

Come here, come here, come on. We just gotta put a bit of a face to the name.

There he is, Brock.

Just get on your knees there, Brock. Boys, be careful.

What context do you say that in? There you are.

There you go, one of these. What do you do to your hair to get it like that? Just tell us through you very quickly. Your hair regime? Dry it? No, no, a mousse in it. A mousse.

When you say dry it, do you mean like with a hair dryer? Yeah, yeah, use a diffuser.

There you go, there you go. He's like, oh, just dry it like he's giving towel dry. One of those cuppy things?

Yeah, with sparky bits on them.

Yeah, yeah, that's a popular thing now. I was actually looking into getting one at some point. Yeah, nice. All right, you don't need to, you just get in the sauna. So you got one of them looking motherfuckers.

Yeah. So there's a bunch of these motherfuckers and they're trying doors and that. Car doors, house doors. And like, are you watching this? Well, I could see it, yeah.

And then working towards yours?

They're working up from mine. I think the dog's barking had put them off mine. And I was like, fuck. Like, I know like at number 4 with a really nice like family, the guy was like a surgeon, they had 2 kids, and they're the most polite kids ever. And I'm like, I'm not mad kids and that, but I was like, felt defensive for them for some reason.

Yeah.

And I told whoever, whatever person was next to me in the bed, and they were like, fuck, you're gonna do something. So I just fucking ran. I picked up half a curb and I ran outside, and I was— he fucking— one of them clocked me. You sure? I would have. You would have been—

yeah.

Yeah, and I only ever wear like shorts or my underwear to bed, so yeah, probably. Oh, maybe even— when the police came, I was naked one time. That was a different time. Um, two of them see me as I open the door and they run to the car. They jumped in the car, and this guy, Sergeant, like, puts his head out because he's seen it. It's like, oh yeah, what's going on? And I was just like, good, fucker's throwing the door, mate. And at that point I was thinking, I said, probably little fuckers. At that point I had my car keys in me, on my hand. Can you— and I just started opening the fucking idiot off me. That's why I was awake. I just fucking— I'm not even conscious about what I'm doing, but I'm talking to him and I'm opening the door. And I had a BMX one at the time.

Opening what door?

My car door.

Oh, okay.

I seen them driving off and I'm just like, it's okay, I'll sort it out. And I just get in my car and I start chasing them.

That's crazy.

And you know, like, that the road to my house, it's like got a one-way bridge. I just booted it over there. It came off the floor, not like drastically, but it did. I hit 70 up that road.

I can't wait till AI is good enough, which it won't be far off now, if not probably do it, where we can, uh, articulate these stories.

Oh, it'd be amazing. I hit 70 up that road, you know, that single tracker.

Yeah.

And I get to the top and I like fucking screech around the corner and then I just go, what the fuck am I doing?

Yeah, like, that's crazy.

I was still happy to set two with these dudes, but I'm like, I'm gonna hit someone else because there was obviously cars going that. And I'm like, who do I think I am? Yeah, fucking— I'm not Starsky and Hutch. No, my head was just that far gone that these little fuckers need to have Yeah, you're not Starsky or Hutch. No, probably more like both of them rolled into one more optimal being. But still, like, yeah, I think they had— they were actual police with badges and then they could put—

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, well, I had to do something about that situation.

Yeah, I had a pair of shorts, a BMW, and a curtain pole.

What BMW was it?

Like a little X1 thing. It's okay, it was a nice little family car, oil drive, pretty good in the snow.

Pretty good in the snow. Yeah, but it's amazing.

It's the same kind of thing where I just wasn't— I did— you don't think you would just go like— yeah, yeah, yeah. Good though.

Yeah, we ever see him again?

I don't know. Nah. I've got another house smackhead story though.

Yeah, go for it.

Oh, fuck it then.

All right, this is the one where we just break all the law and admit to it. This is all like fictional, by the way. We're just emphasizing this and making this up entirely just for your entertainment, I guess.

Early hours of the morning.

Yeah.

Doorbell rings.

I will be talking 2, 3.

I'm like, what the fuck? Go downstairs. As I'm walking down the corridor, I hear someone say, you wait there until they open the door. And I was like, oh, okay, that's horrible. But my corridor's like only— it was only big enough for one person to come down, right? So this should be the last house Billington, yeah. So I went and got my trusty piece of curtain pole.

Nice.

And I just bring that in. What? Yeah, I think I've got it in my van.

We should maybe—

yeah, off or something.

There's like a memory bead there.

So I was just like, okay, fine. Like, no one's getting behind me, I've got this. Yeah, I'm backing myself here.

Yeah, nice. Like in a prison.

Yeah, I just—

you should have baby oiled yourself up. That would have been class. All that fucking soap up and just looked at fucking— right, come on then, lads. Yeah, ladies.

So I just fucking opened the door and stepped back, obviously in case someone went at me straight away. And this kid's face just went fucking white.

He's shirtless again.

Oh yeah, I might have been fully naked this time, I don't know.

Barred up as well.

Yeah, so I just start tapping the fucking— I don't know if it was my cock or my—

Tapping something your cop couldn't have reached, bro.

No, damn it. Um, I just started tapping the fucking curtain pole on the wall and I was like, do you want to come in, do you? And he's just fucking white and he was like, my brother's in a coma. And I was just like, the one way around the corner while I came to the door. And they just went—

he ran and just grabbed his fucking brother, he said, scrambling up and ran off.

Basically, I was just like Like Scooby-Doo, but you're just like, I just, I don't know, that's crazy. Is it your own, like, your own doing? Fuck knows. I don't know whether, like, anyway, I assume they could fucking charge the door, couldn't they, if someone was stupid enough to actually open the door without being severely armed and looking odd.

Yeah, without being bollock naked, absolutely fucking, absolutely barred up to the nines. Oh, this really went off track again, didn't it?

Contra freeloading.

What's that?

That's where—

here we go—

dogs prefer to work for thy sustenance than to be given it on a plate. Yeah, that's true. You're like those people who come in and say, 'My dog won't eat out of a bowl, but my fuck, he'll eat out of a Kong. It's so weird.' Yeah, contra freeloading.

There you are.

There I look nice through my teary eyes.

Yeah, if I give Ranger a biscuit, he probably won't eat it.

He's a classic for it, isn't he?

But if I say, like, get him to do some tricks and then give him a biscuit, he'll eat it.

It. Yeah.

So let that just sit with you, and that's your value of today.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

I don't know if any of the rest of it's going to survive.

No, I know. That could be the whole podcast, what you said right there.

Yeah. Listen, prepare yourselves for a short one this week.

Yep.

Very efficient. Very efficient time. My shorts climbing up. Susie's going, yeah, well, there it is.

My fucking hot pants. I wish you'd not realized and just got up at the end of the podcast and fucking punched up.

Yeah, she even get some.

Just, they punched up so high, just see the tree pouch. You look like Tarzan, dog chasing with a loincloth.

I'm going to do that later in this camera.

Yeah, all right, we'll wrap it up there, I guess. Should we? Oh yeah, we did a boot camp. It was really good.

Um, it was good. Yeah, it was a big one. 16, 16 of them. 16 dogs.

Yeah, I've had great feedback from today and yesterday though.

Yeah, good.

They've been hookeries yet?

Yeah.

How'd it go?

Good.

No kickoffs.

No, nice. No kickoffs. Good intel.

Good intel, young man.

He's probably got footage of it not kicking off.

Do you diffuse your hair every day?

The only thing I diffuse is situations.

Nice save. Diffuses situations.

Yeah, fair enough. All right, all right then.

Come on then.

Are we going to Hickory's later? I don't think I've been to Hickory's with you for a while.

Yeah, all right, should we go to Hickory's after this?

Yeah, I think so. Should we invite some other people? You've got some mentees, aren't you?

Yeah, yeah, I think they've been to Hickory's a few times this week. I've been to Hickory's this week multiple times.

You fucking bored of it or what? Okay, fair enough. All right, I'll go fuck myself then.

Oh, we haven't been though.

No, we haven't.

They don't want to come.

They can go somewhere else.

Yeah, that's fair enough.

Are you just— just the vibe? Oh God, more barbecue.

No, I don't think you get sick of it.

No, you couldn't.

It's really good.

Yeah, I just— I'm thinking I'm celebrating a bit, thinking.

Yeah, shout out to Hickory's. We should maybe send them an email, try and get them to sponsor us.

Yeah, or at least like some sort of deal, or just like start giving the dogs a brisket again, maybe. Yeah, that'd be nice.

Yeah, all right, hiccups it is.

It's all right then. Done.

Yep. All right, we'll wrap it up there. Look out for episode 100 so you can listen and hear the Rice Krispies story. I've got hiccups which are purely psychological, by the way.

Watch this.

Gone. All right, wait for it. Watch. Hiccups are in your brain, in your mind. Gone. See what I mean?

It does seem like they've gone.

Yeah, like, how long do we leave it before, you know?

Yeah, good.

Yeah, see, they're gone.

That does seem to look like the case.

You can just actually psychologically defeat them out of your own brain. They're gone.

I feel like they are. Do we agree? Yeah, we're all right to move on.

Proven it.

All right, no psychological dominance.

Yeah. So yeah, hiccups are just in your head. They're not actually anything else. What? Literally. Literally.

I've made a few hiccups before.

Yeah, that's true. We all have, mate. It's what we do after the hiccup.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Let that sit with you.

Okay, not poignant notes. Susie's clutching a spoon. She looks—

she wants some more tiramisu, I believe.

I believe she does.

Alrighty, right, bye Ian.

It's almost like I didn't move my lips. Bye.