EP 92: The Biggest E-Collar Mistake & Why "Fairness" Is A Myth

Shout out to Sam Nancy for the white chocolate cheesecake today. Go on then, mate, off you go.

What do you mean? I'm busy. I'm fucking busy.

We're in a bit of a time machine, but I don't think they can be posted back in time, so Perth has been announced now.

Okay.

Yeah.

You sure? Yeah. Yeah, that's good because that's why I'm wearing this vest.

Oh yeah, you're way in the future. All right, well, Perth is doing very well, I think.

Yeah, I'm not going to be fair, they've got a fresh employee too, I heard.

I'll actually check. I did text earlier about like, how's, um— oh, here we go, I got the numbers. We've got 10 new Training with Instinct clients.

Nice.

30 boot camp clients.

Nice.

And 7 of which are coming to the seminar, but they all get a free seminar ticket as well, the fresh crew.

Yeah, that's golden.

Yeah, yeah, free ticket for obviously signing up to be a fresh Perth client and having faith in the—

yeah, nice. There's been a tiny bit of sun here, hence the advice. Still -4 and the ice cream, but it is sunny. Mmm, with an ice cream at the park today. Making a thing out of Fridays, I think, is gonna I think it's gonna stick.

I hope so.

Yeah. Um, yeah, nice.

Occasionally have a webinar.

Should we talk about the confectioneries?

This?

Yeah.

Yeah. So I presume she listens to the podcast if she's like in on the white chocolate cheesecake, unless you've spoken about it on your walks.

I think we did speak about it, but I think it was as a result of the podcast, maybe. Because obviously I invented it and she's had a go at replicating it. Yeah, and it's good. It's just a way different niche to the one I make. Mine's more of a classic design. This is like a modern Oreo-based design.

I'm enjoying it.

I'm enjoying it. It's very good.

Put it in the fridge though. I've let it melt a bit.

We've got a little steer away from tiramisu for a week.

Yeah, we need a bit of a breather.

But aesthetically it kind of looks like tiramisu because it's got the dark with the white. Yeah, we could have— kind of looks similar.

I've got mascarpone and—

I'm gonna have to ask her what blend of cheeses she used.

This could be laced with edibles, you know. Imagine. Nice one, Sam.

Yeah, you can only imagine.

It's very rich though. I've bitten off more than I can chew.

Yeah, like I'm gonna get to the end of it because I'm starving.

And we've just eaten a cupcake and we had ice cream and now this.

I bought us 2 bigger eggs. Sorry, we had steak and eggs too.

Oh, we had steak and eggs. I had eggs on toast this morning, out at the gym.

Yeah, where'd you go for that?

The cafe up the road. Oh, not the deli, the, the bakery on the corner.

Very good.

Yeah, it was really good.

So is this.

I'm gonna come back to this, just flagging a bit.

Yeah, you'll do that. Well, no, that was really nice.

So yeah, Perth is good. This has been a good, good boot camp this week. Big one again. Yeah, 17 dogs. Went for a really good social walk in Roundhay Park.

It was lovely, wasn't it?

Got ice cream after, Hickory's after that.

It does help this time.

I want to say zero boot-offs in Hickory's, but near enough.

There was a little squeak off a taxi, I think, but it wasn't a boot-off, it was just more of a, hey, I'm here.

Fair enough.

Hey, you know, remember, um, so yeah, still got 100% record on that.

The Borough Bridge guy came finally.

Yeah, yeah.

So is it the river guy? We say hello to each other in the mornings.

I did his consultation call and he told me his dog's kicked off at yours from the other side of the river most days.

Probably kicked off back.

The sausages definitely did. You came up with a good, um, yardstick concept. Who knew?

Yeah, the money-back guarantee. Yeah, it's by Friday, your dog isn't better behaved than Ranger, you get your money back. Yeah, and he proved that today.

He was—

every single boot camp dog was better behaved than him. Yeah, he didn't have to start any fights though, so that was good.

No, he didn't.

You, you got a nice picky of him on a rock actually. I'll put— I'll post that up there.

I saw you rest maybe with two, two dogs and just interrupt him him a little.

Yeah, but you never know where the booties— do you?

No.

I saw some really nice interactions today, to be fair. Sniffing and stuff.

Yeah. Huh, seen a bit of that.

Yeah.

And Blue, um, he got to the bit where he got chinned last week and he came and huddled with us, didn't he? Windy little fucker. Um, didn't stop him for the rest of the walks. No, wandering around. Little jaws move.

Well, then you said you had a podcast topic or something like quick thing to mention.

I was reading something and it was about—

oh, I know, go on, get out of the way.

You like it? All right, because I'm taking— I'm not taking the piss, but I'm like hammering people who get a bit too emotive.

All right, go on then.

The concept of fairness, like with your dog.

Go on then.

People stick an emotional value on it, but all it really means is that consequence, both good and bad, is always consistent. I think people forget that. People think, is it fair that you give one dog a treat and not another dog a treat? That's an emotional thing. Or other things similar to that. But really, it's whether consequence is fair and just and consistent.

Can you give a pragmatic example?

Yeah, so like, um, I know people who have probably not e-collar trained well, okay, and they stim the dog without the dog being prepared for it at all. Maybe the dog doesn't even have great recall in the first place, and the dog doesn't have contingency between the two things, then there's no— the consequence isn't fair and just, right?

Gotcha.

In fact, you could argue it's probably not even a consequence, it's just like abusing tugs.

Gotcha.

There's definitely people doing that, and that's one of the reasons why we always say you've got to at least consult. There's obviously different ways to train e-collar, but you've got to consult someone who knows what they're fucking doing, not just someone who's saying, oh, it's a long-range communication tool, let's tap on the shoulder every now and again, or a rustle of the hair. Fuck off. And it can be that, but it's probably not its best use, right? It's best used as a level of aversion where, all right, there's some have-tos in life. You have to recall from sheep, or you have to not even approach the sheep these days.

It gives me a bit of E. coli when the trainer goes, oh look, I can tap at a 4, and then he comes back.

Oh, fuck off.

All right.

Oh, good work, mate. Yeah, it's poor training. Good, good. Are you 5?

How's your Fisher-Price e-collar there?

Again, are you still on the pop-up books? I— yeah, I mean, I am, to be fair. I like a pop-up book. It's funny, aren't they? A pop-up book.

Let's make a YCA one. Flea. Flea's head. Yeah, surely they're easy enough to make nowadays.

Yeah, I could probably do it.

Probably. All right then.

Yeah, so just like I see it because of boot camps. You see people who are very emotionally involved with the dogs, which I fucking love, but they then get it wrong in terms of like, oh, I can't give consequence to my dog because it's unfair. No, that's not what unfair means. You just, you're just feeling bad.

What do they think is unfair though?

They feel it's unfair to give consequence to the dog sometimes until they see, probably get to Wednesday and have an epiphany moment and like, fucking hell, we can live our lives now. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. And the consequence that you've delivered has always been consistent. You've done it every single time. You haven't battered your dog. Sometimes you've paid your dog.

Yeah.

And then the world opens up, right?

I heard some good quotes earlier from the boot campers.

Did you?

One of which is, haven't been to a park for 2 years.

Yeah, the shepherd. Yeah, yeah.

And one of which was Never been to a pub.

Yep.

Um, oh, there was just nice stuff like, oh, this would be my idea of hell, but this is nice. Yeah, shit like that, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, the point— the lady with the pointer said the same thing.

Oh yeah, myself the whole way around.

Yeah, pretty much. That was good.

Yeah, he's a really good boy. He is.

Yeah, he's good.

Albus. Yeah, Roundhay Park, to be fair, is very beautiful park. I also took some landscape photography today. Yeah, yeah.

Any Or has it got grease on the lens or anything?

Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, Roundhay Park, very good park. And yeah, as a young boy just said, there's a lady on Bootcamp whose local park is Roundhay Park. Yeah, I'm only repeating it because I don't know whether they would have heard him.

No, yeah, without the mic.

Yeah, yeah, that's what these things are for, they record your voice so people can hear us. And, um, yeah, so she's, she's not been able to utilize that phenomenal amenity.

Struggled to walk with him because she's got no ACLs.

Oh yeah, a large chunk of the All Blacks played a World Cup without ACLs, to be fair.

Yeah, fair enough. Maybe that's a good point.

I don't know. Anything else worth mentioning, um, boot camper-wise?

Um, I had a bunch of muffly the other day together. Murph joined. Yeah, he's good with dogs though. He's like a really good, like, measured dog with dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, he'll hang around with him, but he doesn't take shit off him. He's great.

Oh, he's really good. Wonderful, wonderful little dog.

Yeah, yeah, she's like— shouldn't in your head physically like him, not because he's got 3 legs, but just because he's like a very generic dude. I fucking really like him.

We found a dog as well. Oh yeah, can we tell that full story but not give context, or maybe blur the picture, or is it just not allowed? Because it's one of the best stories of the YCA of all time, to be honest.

It is not— it's up there, isn't it?

I was cackling. Yeah, anyway, we found a dog. We called it Marge. We had these grand elaborate plans of maybe keeping her and Joining the YCA family, obviously did our due diligence, put her on the social medias, took her to, uh, the vets to get her chipped, got the number, rang the owner, didn't get through. Again, posted back on Facebook and, um, someone's put their hand up and said, that's our dog. We said, fine, fair enough, could we get some pictures of the dog to make a little bit of evidence? Yeah, because I would have claimed collab of a collection of photos across, for one of which there was someone in the background without any clothes on. That's all we'll say. And it was obviously by accident and we've deleted it now, but fuck me.

Was it on by accident?

No, maybe no. Maybe they've seen you walking around in your vest.

It could be.

And they're like, yeah, that is our dog, but what are you ready to do?

Who's dropping off?

Yeah, yeah. Is the big fella around?

Question mark. To be fair, they invited Pabs in for a coffee. So yeah, he could have been swingers. Could have been. Yeah, maybe. What? Oh, Marge.

Oh, Marge. I know her real name was Poppy, bless her. She was cute. We'll throw a couple of photos.

It's actually a pretty good name for her, I take it.

Yeah, Poppy Ping has been found, spotted in the real world.

Nice.

Yeah, the story. Yeah, so we had a, um, a couple of, I think I think they're due to join the mentorship, um, the Bull Breed Behaviorist. But apparently podcast listeners—

fair enough, why wouldn't you these days?

Yeah, that's very true. Anyway, they have this young lady rock up one day with an Australian Shepherd, needs a bit of work. Where are they, down south?

Where are they?

Dorset.

I'd also like to know why it needs work.

Yeah, oh, they're doing GRC. Oh, fine, participation dog sport.

Yep.

Anyway, this young lady turns up, it's our Poppy. Poppy Ping. We'll get a ping something up there, Poppy. And now they call her Poppy Ping.

Poppy's got a ping herself.

Yeah, Poppy Ping yourself. Look, you ping you and shmear me.

But there may be one of those things where you can't be in the same place at the same time with your double thing though, so she might not be able to do it.

Yeah, maybe like you and Clark Kent.

Yeah.

Or you and Superman or Clarko or something.

Yeah.

To be fair, I've never seen you both in the same room.

It's weird, isn't it?

Think about it. Yeah, just think about it for one second. You've got a present from, um, one of our clients. I got a cheesecake from her, to be fair. So anyway, she was peppering me. I'm like, I want to get Kirkie something, obviously. I can't exactly ask him, and he's not going to accept any sort of gift of gratitude or anything like that.

No, but I kind of feel like ropey.

Even I told you what you would want, and it was a bit left of field, but I've since forgotten what I told her to get you. Oh nice, and I hope she's got you it.

So it's a surprise to you as well. I'd say that's good.

So Sam Nunzi, who's got a walk named after her, she's still with us, and it's like a fucking— will you do the card first?

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, read it out.

There is a walk named after Sam.

The Sam Nancy Classic.

The Sam Nancy Classic, which is a kind of a T-shaped walk around the centre here of roughly 1.78 kilometres on average.

I mean, depends. That's pretty accurate to be rough. Can you read it out? Is it appropriate to read out?

I mean, I'll give me a handle on it. Cookie, any chance you could come now? Seeing as though it was impossible to get any payment info out of anyone, lol, she did boot camp, so we'll obviously be supporting afterwards. Here's a little thank you from Ronnie Hotdogs. That's the dog and me. As a little supply— Ah, okay, maybe I shouldn't have read this first. It kind of gives away partly what the thing is.

Ah, fuck. Well, don't read it out loud.

Okay.

Well, that's annoying, Sam, you dick. Yeah, absolutely not, but I don't even want him to open it now.

Also, here's my version of a white chocolate cheesecake. Version. Yeah, okay.

So we don't have to sue her.

It's her take on it, so I don't have to sue her at all, which is good because I like Sam and I like wearing hot dogs. And Sam's a very big fan of— what do they call it?

Iridescent colors?

Yeah, YCA. I was gonna say more iridescent colors.

Oh, fluorescent.

Fluorescent. What's the difference between iridescent and fluorescent?

I don't know, never heard of iridescent in my whole fucking life.

Is that a thing?

I think it's a type of radiation.

It's like that petrol color. I feel like that's iridescent. Oh!

Yeah, she is.

Yeah, so she would be then. Yeah, it's colorful character. This is crazy.

This is fun. Yeah, I remember now.

You don't remember.

Why do you know what it is? You've been shanking people, Rob. You should know what knives are, you little twerp.

No, you shouldn't. Not old enough. No blood.

Let's stab him. Yeah, we're gonna stab a staff member live on camera.

Come here, come here, come here.

You're getting shanked, Lucas. That's amazing. Oh, that's sick.

I, I—

oh, go on then.

I don't know how you open it.

I mean, you don't know how you open it? I can literally see how you open it from here.

We'll go on then. To the honors. She said something about the blade though, so just be careful. How's that working out for you? Bottom, bottom, split in half.

This has like, literally has a little lock on it, so it's something to do with that. It's like one of those, um, it's like two monkeys.

Yeah, there's two monkeys trying to figure out getting ants out of a thing with a straw.

It's like one of those Christmas cracker like little puzzles you get, but It is nice, isn't it?

So nice you just can never ever ever use it.

Oh, there's another unlock thing there. Right, Lucas, come here.

What if it's like— like a grenade?

Wait, there's your pliers at least.

Oh, there they are, look. Oh, there they are, look.

Now what? I don't want the fucking pliers, mate.

What's this?

What is this, Black Decker?

Ah, Sam, you're too nice.

Why do you know this? Young man.

Oh, nice.

Seatbelt cutter in case you ever get jammed in a fucking—

well, Bums rides up front and he has to have a seatbelt on.

Yeah, it says there's a little something on the blade.

Yeah, which is a little bit— now then, like little bits for the, for the drivers, which is also cool as fuck.

We've got a young boy with us for such issues. Yeah, because we're a bit, we're a bit—

credit where credit's due, he fixed my headphones the other day for me. A grand job. I've been listening to public—

you should be in like a phone shop or something, doesn't he?

Hello?

Yeah, I'll have a look, mate. You know, just a little— your eyes.

Okay, so you know when you hammered us and was like, oh, it's obviously just a little thing in the bottom and I'll just fucking spin it out and knife everyone? You've taken exactly the same amount of time as he has, if not longer.

I think it's officially surpassed the time. If we get a little timer up here—

well, who are you?

Right, never mind that. Who are you gonna stab first?

Probably him, probably him, the way we're going.

Yeah, just give it back, mate.

You failed.

You just have to accept defeat. I accepted defeat way before you did. Go on, mate, I'll have a go after that.

Yeah, that's great. Um, there's something else fairly wild happened this week.

They would know how to open a knife.

Yeah, a niche, um, a niche knife opening.

More of a Leatherman guy.

All right, I'll fucking leather you.

I can leather Gimp suit, you little twerp.

There we are. Oh shit.

Yeah, there we go.

Interesting. Well, all right, I'm just— this is probably going to be really boring for everyone, so I'll pop that away.

It's got writing on the knife.

Was it?

Yeah.

Team YCA. Nice. How good is that?

Oh yeah, that's class.

That is good.

That'd be really sharp.

Yeah, I imagine she'll be a bit sharp.

Yeah, I've got myself—

remember that time I sliced my thumb off with a— trying to cut a hose pipe?

Yeah, that was funny.

That was—

it wasn't funny, it was really painful.

It was pretty—

it's funny now, isn't it?

Pretty stingy.

Look back in time.

Oh, that's made— that's a very thoughtful Unnecessary but well-appreciated gift.

All right, but the thoughtful bit come from me. Just—

yeah, okay.

I think of that herself, did she?

I don't know.

Don't give too much credit to Sam because—

because you'd like it.

You'd be sat there looking at a bottle of wine right now.

What do you do with this?

She was like, well, what does— would Kirkie want? I was I'm like, a knife, probably. She was like, what, really? I was like, yeah, yeah, see, you're happy with it.

I'm really happy with it. It's really nice.

Yeah, nice, mate. Thanks a lot. Very touching, kind of you. Yeah, you, if you're listening— presume you're listening.

It'd be nice.

How else would she know about the white chocolate cheesecake?

I don't know, she must have a little listen every now and again. I don't know. Here a lot though, to be fair, and it does get mentioned a lot, my cheesecake. It's like a thing of legend. No, no, it does.

I don't think it does.

It's a thing of legend.

Okay.

Isn't it?

Yeah. No, it is.

Yeah, you've had some. I mean, obviously yours came with complimentary Rottweiler hairs.

There's a lot of hair on it.

Yeah, there was.

There was a lot of hairy Rottweiler on it.

Yeah, but you're into rotties these days, so that's fine.

Yeah, I don't mind a rottie or two.

A brace.

A brace of them.

Yeah, what else then?

Um, found a dog, give it back, you've got a knife now, you've done some boot camps. What else has happened this week, kids?

Well, I had a bit of a wobbler on the webinar. Did you? Yeah.

Did you have a wobbler?

It hurt my heart, it nearly made me cry. Yeah.

Oh, did you? Oh, for God's sake, mate, on a webinar. I know. Go on then.

Yeah, well, you know, Amanda Hales Yeah, she got a couple of older dogs, like 15-year-olds.

Yeah.

And she asked, um, it's actually a really valid, good question, um, whether— she was basically having to have them put to sleep, and she was basically like, should Wilson witness it? Not necessarily witness them being put to sleep, but see the bodies afterwards? I've heard the same thing. You don't really know, do you? But obviously, like, for me, the only time I've ever done that is obviously phone and I just had a bubbler in the middle of the webinar. I couldn't speak for a bit. I had to look at the sky.

Well done.

Did okay. All right, I think then, um, Amanda felt bad, but she shouldn't have because it was, it was just fucking—

well done, Amanda.

Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, good PR, mate.

Yeah, fair enough. Let's just upset me every week and it'd be great PR. Uh, probably nothing else I would get upset about. Yeah, that's probably the one and only thing, to be fair.

So what's the rationale behind it?

I assume so that because you can't obviously verbally explain why the dog's gone. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna say, not to be horrible to anyone, I'm gonna say I'm not buying it purely because sausage dogs right now are at home. They haven't thought about Rangestar or Darla fucking once.

Yeah, maybe not.

They don't give a shit. Probably not even me.

Yeah.

For a while.

Yeah, well, for me it was like a thing for me to do as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if they got anything out of it, fine. If they didn't, fine.

But yeah, yeah, fair enough.

A little bit rough, but you know. But I think, um, from what Tony said, Amanda felt bad for upsetting me. I was like, just let her know to not be upset. No, don't feel bad about what I'm saying.

Yeah, that was uncalled for, unnecessary.

Don't say that, she's really nice.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

She's a nice lady, she's a lovely lady, drives a real nice Defender. Oh yeah, look, you Defender buddies. We are.

I used to be jealous of hers, she's now jealous of mine.

Oh nice. Speaking of, great little fucking segue into our sponsor. Oh yeah, nice.

You want to get yourself a Defender? For a very reasonable price, or even a Lamborghini, or I'd love to get one one day, GLC or something. You want to reach out to Mad Dog? I know, at 2211 VIP. Give him a shout. You should probably reach out to him. It's about time.

Yeah, if I ever have any cash, I will do.

Yeah, yeah, you're getting fucking genuinely old.

Yeah, so could be— just bleep it— could be a retirement gift.

It's a matter of use of the So should be fine.

Yeah, no, I think that was fine. Yeah, yeah, I don't think anyone was going to get offended.

Non-consensually, then how about that?

That's probably not as fine.

I feel sick.

Not because of the—

because of the—

you took their own cake. That was okay.

Yeah, that bit was fine. That bit was absolutely fine.

The cake really, uh, Yeah, you really take the biscuit. Yeah.

Oh yeah, go grab that for me please, young man. She's gonna have a good old-fashioned boast. Bloat. Oh yeah, you made your coaching debut. I know it made his training debut, and Owen's due to play tomorrow. Yeah, I actually text the gaffer earlier. Which you'll be annoyed about.

Yeah, I will be.

I said, hey Gaffer, can you try to drag Kirkie to come get involved in the coaching box tomorrow? He's coming down anyway, but he just doesn't want to step on toes. So, Christ, you're making your coaching debut as well tomorrow, mate.

Congratulations. You know my white brimmed yay hat? Oh yeah, I'll wear that. Probably his vest too. Yes, yes.

And cock nose. Yeah, it's a fucking gobshite.

I'll run on when you— when when you're in the— under the pump. Do the fucking special.

Do the special, mate.

What?

We do need a special.

Yeah, we don't know what it is. No, we'll get one though.

You will off cuff it.

Do the special. Yeah, be good then.

And then Suzanne and I made technical love and made a baby.

Miss Baby.

A silver YouTube Play Button.

Good then.

Which, to be honest, It's a little bit more flimsy than I thought. I was hoping solid silver. You still haven't touched it.

She's not touched her baby.

You've not touched your own baby. What sort of mother are you? Social Services.

You should be proud of that.

Yeah, it's quite a good effort. Yeah, we should have a picky with it, Susie.

It's really fucking good.

There you are. Touch it, touch it. Come and touch it. It's not that flimsy. It's all right.

Didn't someone say they missed you or something?

We ordered— it's made of wood.

Is it?

How the fuck do you know? You Googled it.

Googled it.

Which is ironic because YouTube owns Google, or vice versa.

Congratulations, baby. Yeah, what do you have to do to get a Goldie?

A million.

Seems like quite a big jump, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah. But yeah, this was on the— this was on my, um, vision board. All right, I had a vision board.

Yeah, nice.

Ticked most of it off.

Pretty good.

This was a bit late, to be fair, but there it is. So, all right, and now I've retired from YouTube. You're now the YouTube guy.

Congratulations, sir.

Pass over the physical mantle.

Are you gonna get to like more? Oh, some more.

Yeah, good luck with a million.

Yeah, yeah, no, give them back.

Yeah, you get your own ones, guys. You get your own next 100,000. Um, and we ordered a couple more of these so I could have one at my house and Suzanne could have one at her house, and then we could keep one here at the Yucca.

Yeah, nice. Yeah, makes sense.

Do we announce the other franchise yet or no? Because we're doing another one technically. Can do.

Could do.

Has it been signed?

Uh, we'll just tease it.

There's a YCA Should we tease where it is?

Yeah, why not?

Yeah, a YCA South franchise that will be opening in June with a familiar alcoholic face, a familiar puffy red face full of gout. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you smell her a mile off, let's just put it that way.

Yeah.

Smell it before you see it.

Yeah, we've actually— we sent her to rehab, so we were going to get on the podcast.

It's like a charity thing, right?

Yeah, yeah, we sponsored it. Yeah, well done for doing such a nice thing, boys. Yeah, hiring fucking former addicts. That's Pablo, to be fair, isn't it? Oh, Pablo's got a crazy story. A crazy story. Pablo! Right, ladies and gentlemen, Pabsy, we've talked about some untoward stuff on this podcast. I just feel like at this point I need to give you a little bit of heads up that this is probably going to take the biscuit. It may or may not get cut.

I'll take the donut.

Or take the donut. So we're gonna get— we're gonna pull up Pablo.

Come take a knee, Pabs.

Yeah, come take a knee. He's gonna be as tall as us.

He's gonna knight you.

The only YCA member that's actually taller than Ian Kirk. It's true, which is crazy. Similar build.

All right, pals.

All right there, Ked.

All right there.

Yeah, so you told me a pretty funny story the other day, and, um, you want me to repeat it? Yeah, pretty much. I've given everyone a bit of a heads up. If you're, if you're squeamish, if you're not into donuts, peach, if you don't like hairy fruits Peckers or penis in general. You're gonna want to switch off now.

I don't think there's many people not into penis.

Oh no, just like 50%.

Yeah, maybe.

I like my own, to be fair. Yeah, yeah. All right, mate, there's a guy there. Sorry, this is going out to everyone.

I don't know if I can then.

What do you mean?

Have I got full permission to let rip?

Yeah! Oh yeah, you've got absolutely no problem bleeping out for 5 minutes—

You just stand there and we'll go beep-beep beeping...

No it's quite a lot mate. It is alot. We won't cut it; well that— There's a rule now here Pops, you have to leave this story at 100%. You can bleep as much as you want but no cutting all right?! There you are people, the most fucking crazy-ass fucked-up story ever told by me Yeah, I can't believe you're telling it, but go on.

I don't even know how to begin it.

Well, you were there.

Yeah, well, let's give some Pablo context first. So, um, I don't think it's been told on the podcast, has been told on the YouTube channel, but you might not necessarily watch the YouTube channel like 100,000 other people. Anyway, all right.

Yeah, yeah.

Pablo was this guy that rocks up one day to paint the main hall This guy, this guy, right? Real name Christian, right? Turns out he can handle a brush, hence the name Pablo, as in Pablo Picasso. And he comes up for 5 days, we chat to him a bit, isn't too bad of a bloke. Long story short, he never leaves ever again. He now lives on site, to be fair. That's pretty much it, right?

Pretty much it, yeah.

Yeah.

All right, tell your story, mate.

Oh man, it's mental. When I was 16, I had to get my foreskin removed. I didn't know this, which is not totally abnormal. I didn't know until the incident took place.

It was—

oh, it was required to be removed?

Exactly. It was a freak accident.

Like a sexual one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We won't talk too much about it because we'll be essentially talking about kids making love, which—

Yeah, I won't say any names. She knows who she is. She'll be listening.

No, of course.

Link in the bio. For what? I don't know. Oh Christ. Anyway, yeah, it went too far. Quite literally. It got stuck. It got stuck behind the bomb. Behind the bomb head. Yeah.

Yeah.

I just like, I went to the doctors. They said it would just go back after a few days. It didn't. Swelling happened. It got bigger and bigger to the point where I had to go to my older brother, 5 years older than me, and reveal my penis to him.

How did you do it? Did you like ease it out? You just fucking go, "Look at this!" Well, I was a bit—

"Look at my cock!" Pretty much like that, yeah. He was like, "Just get it out." And I was like, "Fuck it." I got it out. My brother's face said it all. We got straight in his car.

What did his face do as he saw the cock?

Like, "Argh!" So yeah, we just like drove to A&E. He walked straight to the front of the queue of A&E and was like, "Listen, like, we ain't waiting. Get a guy out here now." A doctor came out. He was like very like calm, cool, collected. Like, okay, yeah. So like, show me the problem. Like, I pulled it out. He did the exact same reaction as my brother. Like, like a professional, like a professional lost his mind when he seen it. And it literally, it looked like a peach donut. Like that is—

Poppy Pig, a peach donut, of course.

And then they actually like weirdly said that I needed to get airlifted to another hospital. Like, because it was weirdly— yeah, well, they were like, oh, we're gonna have to airlift you to Exeter because we can't do anything about that.

Right.

Then a guy came and was like, oh, because obviously it was too sizable. Amazing. No, because it was like, it was like just a niche surgery.

You couldn't lift your cock up.

Yeah, yeah. This is the weird bit. To reduce the swelling, they poured actual brown sugar on it from the cafeteria. And the swelling went down.

See, this is where I start to not believe the story.

I swear to God, I swear to God.

This is where a great story turns into a complete fabrication. Like a slug. Like a slug, yeah.

That's salt. No, that's salt, yeah.

Yeah, but still, it just withers away like a fucking— oh.

Anyway, they put me under. They— I woke up and I just had like stitches all around the tip, and, um, that was it.

They put you under?

They put me under, yeah. That's good, like sleep.

So basically you've got a really tight foreskin.

Yeah, yeah.

You've fucking gone so hard, young whippersnapper, it's pulled behind the bombette.

Yeah.

Which is obviously blood going to it, but the blood's not leaving, so swelling.

Yeah, yeah, the swelling, like, just— it just caused it to swell. There's like no blood flow. He actually said I was close to losing it. It was wild.

You could have been half cock Pabs at this point.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or no cock.

I couldn't have fought to lose the top tip. That's pretty much all.

And I had the worst— I think the worst thing about it is I had my, like, my first holiday booked to Ayia Napa.

Oh, and then you're gonna be able to use it.

Yeah, yeah, he was out of action.

Like, I know. Yeah, I was there.

We just have to do, like, first and second base stuff.

Yeah.

So now, um, my mates ended up nicknaming me the Foreskin Warrior. And, um, that was, that was, that was it. I've now— I'm now circumcised. That's the— don't cut that.

Don't cut that.

No, no, don't keep it in.

Yeah, keep it all in.

Keep it all in.

Chicks dig it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%.

100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll get reviews if you want. Yeah, if we could get a review. Yeah, a genuine review. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I'll get one Saturday.

Oh yeah, is it gonna be a fresh review or is it gonna be—

yeah, yeah, it'll be a Saturday review.

All right, nice.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, that'd be—

yeah, yeah, in writing, WhatsApp.

Yeah, whatever. At this point, okay, we'll take cock review.

Fine, not from said person, but from a different one?

No, yeah, that's fine, doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, fine.

All right, I mean, as long as they can say they're Max, but like, yeah, doesn't matter.

Yeah, yeah, I'll get it done.

And they're of age.

Yeah, so it does, it does matter who, but not like really specifically.

Yeah, just so, just so we're all clear.

All right, all right, well done.

Thanks very much.

Yeah, no worries.

Congratulations on your podcast debut.

Thank you.

Congratulations on your circumcised shaft then.

Um, great.

I'm going to go now.

Enjoy.

All right, Christ, that was great. What do I do with this? Trying to give it to you. Double mic, Lan. So my favorite song at the moment is Olivia Dean's 'Reign In On Me,' but the Indian version. All right, so, but I don't know the words, but I do sing it, but I kind of make them up. So, okay, got it.

I don't even think I know the song.

Yeah, you will.

What?

I think I know it.

Me too.

I know I don't.

No, I think you'd like it if you listen to it. All right, I'll get the Indian version.

I'll get on CD.

CD, tape, cassette, vinyl, wireless, cave drawing.

Old smoke signals.

Anything else you want to wrap up with? Covered a little bit of everything there, I feel.

Yeah, we did. What's going on next week then? Anything in the upcoming week?

Another boot camp?

Talk about any more of our dogs or not? You're over the dog, the dog walk, dog, dog talk, dog talking, dog training.

Yeah, we're not going to talk about any more dogs today. We've already segued on to cock. All right, which apparently most people love.

Comments, you're a fan of cock, whether it's your own or someone else's. That's kind of what I was alluding to.

Why?

Like, most people like either like their own or potentially like another one.

Yeah, do you know what, I'm gonna agree with you.

Yeah, for once.

Yeah, I'm gonna agree. You're either into— yeah, although I'll figure out what proportion of the, uh, okay, let me just Um, what's going on there?

What? You got a bit of wood chip stuck in the boot there.

Portion.

In fact, you've got a matching one.

The population in this side are lesbians. Pretty good.

Tinder feet. Yes.

3% of adults globally identify as gay or lesbian, so.

That doesn't help too much.

No, it doesn't. 1.4% of US adults specifically lesbian. So, okay, I mean, we could argue anywhere from like 90 to 99% of people like cock.

That's definitely most people then. All right, nothing, nothing in the upcoming week.

Um, mine's gone blank. We're just smashing out a bunch of boot camps before we go to Australia to smash out more boot camps and come back, smash boot camps and head down south.

What's he saying? What are you saying? I'm just checking you hadn't already been to Australia. Oh yeah, it's a weird one, isn't it?

Oh no, not that in the future.

We have in the past been to Australia.

Yes, not that part of Australia though, different part. I've never been to Western Australia.

Different part.

We're flying via Singapore Airlines, best airline in the world apparently. Apparently we're in the fancy suites because we're fancy boys now. Yeah, throw a couple of piggies up when that point comes.

This Singapore airport is the most beautiful airport in the world, apparently.

Are we going there?

That sounds subjective. You want to see a picture? Yeah, yeah, sure. Ping it up.

We'll bring it up as well, but we'll have a look.

You've been—

oh, we've been on the way there. No, that was a shithole wherever that was. It was a fucking shit tip. I wanted to get the fuck out of there as soon as I could.

The bad bit. See, the one I went to didn't have a bad bit.

Oh shit.

Uh, yeah, yeah, that's what I said. Wabu Dabu's got all that kind of shit. Liverpool's better. What? Liverpool better. Liverpool. Fucking Liverpool. And East Riding.

Where did we go? Doha.

Is it Doha? No.

Uh, yeah, when we had breakfast that time.

Yeah, Doha.

No, where we eat in the fancy place where we had breakfast.

What is it? In the changing hall place? Yeah, it was Doha, wasn't it?

Yeah, the all-you-can-eat place. Yeah, yeah, when we, we had the sausages and then we went and we had to go up the stairs.

Yeah, yep. Doha?

No, when I'm joking with you, I'm fucking with you.

I'm fucking— I'll hit you with this. Oh, come on.

Yeah, sorry, got another one on the way. Only cost $1,000 each as well. Just to— just to— you know what? Oh, there's Murph.

Look, there's Murph. If you want to brighten up your day, look at Murph.

Yeah, let's go pick up Murph up here.

Great dog.

Give everyone a little bit of a shot what's going on right next to us here, Suze, as well. She's fucked off.

We've seen a big screen there with the camera pointing that way so we can all get a mullet.

Oh, you just— since you met me? Yeah, since you met me. Oh, fair enough. Inspiring. Yeah, all right, nice.

Inspirational.

Yeah, me and Kirkie.

I feel like me and Susie should have a mic.

No, you're not fucking allowed a mic. Can you show everyone what— what you have to earn your mic? She did.

You got to earn that mic.

Yeah, it'd probably fall in between that giant gap in your tooth as well. Can we show everyone this massive fucking tooth gap?

Every podcast.

All right, sorry. It's like Owen's nose.

Oh, there you go.

What?

Because you hadn't mentioned it until then. Oh, did you?

Yeah, I did mention it.

Oh, you got in early. Nice. Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, it's big, isn't it? Yeah, something with his laptop as well. When he's on a group call, it like emphasizes it. It's mental. It's like a fucking filter. They must think he's like— yeah, but no, he doesn't. This really is like that big.

It's quite like some TWI folk come down for a session like, oh, it is Jesus, that's, uh, impressive. That's crazy.

Yeah, he's a good-looking chap though, isn't he?

Yeah, he's all right, isn't he? He gets a lot of interest on the, on the Instagram and what have you. Does he? Yeah, I believe so.

Slide in the DMs and stuff, what have you.

Yeah, and what have you.

All right, there you go. Big handsome. No, fair enough. I think he's quite small. Oh, we've been through this. It It was— what was it? I think he might be.

It was a tie.

It was close to a tie, but he goes around telling everyone he's 6'2". He's not. He's not, because I'm 6 foot and 1/2 inch, proven. In line with the board, but would you like— watch. Are we good with there, boys, girls? Yeah, yeah. Holy shit. And we're getting there. And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen, your boy's 6 foot and a half. And maybe like a third science. Yeah, let's have some accountability, shall we, Stephen? Let this be the accountability episode. I know it's been nothing to do with the podcast, but—

oh, but yeah, but you have to be— that's probably the first part of training your dog, accountable to their behavior.

Yeah, if your dog eats a kid, it's your fault. If your dog's reactive, it's your fault. Your dog gets hit by a car, it's your fault.

Right?

All of the above is your fucking fault.

And like, someone will be like, yeah, but man, resource guards, another man's knee, is that my fault? Yes. Or is that his fault? Because it was his knee. Yeah.

Who was it?

Owen.

His fault.

Yeah.

Who's anyone else?

He then tried to use a punishment mark on Bumble, and Bumble said, fuck off, Bumble.

Bad.

He just kind of jumped up. He just kind of jumped up and chomped him.

Oh, he didn't get roasted alive. That is crazy.

Yeah, it's pretty funny.

Have we shown the video of Bumble absolutely fucking taking the piss out of Owen? If not— oh, I don't know. We have done? Oh no, I will throw it up here. Yeah, well, it kind of explains that whole tale of the— yeah, yeah, it does, it does really. It's a very like a decent visual reputation, a representation of hanging out with Owen really, isn't it? Get me away from this nauseating The other day I was like, oh, how did you get— how did your game go? He went through the fucking team sheet and gave me the fucking life story of every single player.

I got a video of his shot. Yeah, it was a good shot.

Let's put it up and blur it.

But then when I was showing you, probably like a good 50 yards away, he like pricked up from his video call and was like, hey, you watching my video?

Yeah, it was crazy. And when he was on a client call the other day, he was like, oh, this is really great video of me.

'on YouTube.' That actually happened. That's not even a fucking—

and then he linked to the video in the chat.

He thought my headphones were on, but I had them on but not with sound, and I heard him say it, and I just peeled them off, turned to him and said, 'Did you just say watch my really wild video on YouTube?' He said— well, actually, he just kind of went red.

Mate, we don't even have to speculate here. We could prove it. We'll throw the clip up here. That call would have been recorded.

Oh, it would be too.

Yeah, maybe one of Owen's last TWI calls. You can just search it at Fathom and AI will pull it up. And Owen sucking himself off, we just search that.

Yeah, that might come up more than once though.

I'm in a bit of a crossroads because obviously he's playing for my team tomorrow.

Yeah, big signing. I want him to play well because I want to win, of course, but a little bit of you wants him to get banged. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or like just do something embarrassing but we still win.

Yeah, something great himself. Yeah, like hopefully like you're like 40 up when he tries something wild and just Yeah, yeah, yeah, it kicks out on the floor or something.

Maggie there, look.

Maggie, is it all right? She turned around very fast then.

God, we made everyone super paranoid. I think maybe, yeah, savage in it here. You can't get away with anything, you just get fucking rinsed and bullied all the time by anything for anyone ever. It's not easy.

Like a Sunday morning.

No, right. Anything else? You okay?

Yeah, you fine? You? Yeah, you? I'm good, good.

I've got to do some YouTube now. Yeah, I've got to get in stuff.

I'm doing a session with the deaf dog. Huh? Exactly.

Yeah, that was just my Chloe impression. That's not an impression of a deaf person.

Hey, how are you?

What are you up to? Tell me, or tell me not. That's not fucking— absolutely, Bob.

One, it was pretty bang on.

Hi, Chloe from Yorkshire Gay Men Academy. How are you? It's really good, isn't it?

It's really good. Oh yeah, I'm with you.

Not a deaf person because she's not deaf. No, as far as we know. How the fuck would she know if she's just 75% deaf?

Yeah, yeah, there's no true way.

She's like, that's just her maximal hearing. Maybe I'm half deaf and you're 200% not deaf.

Yep.

I guess there'd be quite a lot of times where you'd hear something and I wouldn't though, so much so I'd be like, maybe I need to get my hearing—

a lot of things.

Yeah, I hear a lot of things around here. Yeah, mainly about you.

I've heard things.

I've heard stuff. Stuff.

I've heard something.

I've plenty of stuff around here. Yeah, from various people about various people.

You wanna, you wanna go there, dude?

Yeah, I don't think you want to go there.

I don't think your spoon's big enough, mate.

I don't think you've played knifey spoony before. Yeah, because I have.

With a sword.

I've jousted. Fuck's sake. All right, let's take it in turns to stab each other, and then whoever gives up first loses.

Like on Chopper?

Yes. Bit early in the morning for kung fu, mate.

Jimmy, bit early in the morning for kung fu, Jimmy.

We'll throw it up there.

Yeah, good movie, that, to be fair. Hilarious, but also true.

Eric Bana. Yeah, that's that. There you go, everyone.

Yeah, a slightly odd one.

No, we, we— yeah, people probably tell us We spoke about fairness. People, um, usually tell me they put this on when they're doing nothing fucking important.

Yeah, it makes sense.

Yeah, and they're just driving, just cruising, cruising and listening to podcasts. Yeah, there you are.

All right, all right, wonderful.

Have a good week, everyone. We'll see you next week on the podcast. We'll probably get a couple done in Australia some way, somehow. Yeah, of course, even if we do some just raw dogging because Susie doesn't want to come because it's her cat's fucking birthday or something. Ah, again, how many birthdays does a cat need?

Maybe it's got 9 lives, but, but also several birthdays a year.

Yeah, the Queen, she's dead, mate.

She used to have more than one, I believe. Did she? Is that true?

She did have corgis. She had corgis. Yeah, that's really what we would deliver. Birthdays, you fucking, fucking corgis and dogs.

No, but didn't she have like two birthdays? I don't really know, I could be really—

apparently people eat placenta.

Yeah, apparently it's good for gains. I don't know, you can put it in like little fucking tablets. Well, like the desiccated liver, what it's called. You get desiccated liver tablets too. She was saying the same thing.

One hiccup. Yeah, psychological battle in your head, right? Okay, we'll wrap it up there.

That was good, dog.

Yeah, the Akita money.

Yeah, it's fun, isn't it? Yeah, I like it because it's got Whopper in it.

Yeah, Akitas are shite, aren't they?

Yeah, a bit.

There will be exceptions, probably. I've not met one.

No, no, they're right.

Sausage dog there, look. Yeah, been a good boy, hasn't he?

He has, actually.

There you go, another hour of waffle, another week of training dogs, another bunch of exciting announcements, another 100,000 people. Genuinely though, if you do watch on YouTube, we meet— we are grateful for your support. More, more grateful for you if you listen to this podcast because there's less of you, to be fair. To be fair.

Yeah, it's like an elite crew.

Yeah, you're our favorite of— we'll say fans, but you are our favorite fans. Yeah, Instagram is my least favorite. You guys can go fuck yourselves, to be honest. Yeah, you probably wouldn't— what?

That's not nice.

Unless you listen to the podcast as well. Yeah, so if you're here, it's fine. Now someone like clips this, sticks on Instagram, fuck it, I'll do it. Nah, I'm joking.

Do you know what I mean?

No, they're just a bit— they're just a bit whingy.

Can be, yeah.

Just whingy. I feel like Facebook's full of fucking Karen's. I don't even open fucking Facebook.

I mean, my dad's got Facebook.

There you go.

I don't think he has a profile picture or anything, but he's got it.

It's probably a spade. Let's figure out Bob's profile picture.

Ping it up here.

I don't think I'm friends with him on that. UKIP or something like that. It's like a flag, an England flag. Yeah, that's not really that bad.

Oh yeah, I don't think I'm friends with him though, so I'm actually a bit of a learning process.

My dad's is a basket of fruit.

Nice. So could you, could you name the fruits in it? This is just gone wide on us. What are we even doing?

How are you still here? I know, I know, I would have had a wobbler by now, like, where's this even going? But they keep listening.

Yeah, every now and again it's like the little—

yeah, there's a little spike sometimes. Yeah, just to get some decent fucking—

yeah, not usually brings it out in you. You, you do, you go into insightful mode.

Oh Christ. Yeah.

All right, well, Adze, because he's allowed to ask you questions, I'm not. I lost that privilege.

No, you did not. I Why are you being like that? Because in front of people as well. Well, in front of people as well, publicly. It's true.

It's not true. If I ask you a question, you can say that and then you can fucking sprint off.

You know, I've got a sore knee. No, I usually just go for, I don't know.

Yeah, but I know you know.

I've practiced that. I don't know. Yeah, since I have dog training thoughts in the the bath.

All right, what do you think of my beard, mate? It's getting there, isn't it? Josh will be proud of you.

Fuck Josh.

Yeah, giant beard. Yeah, he complimented Kirkie's arms the other day. Did he? Yeah, did he? Well, it was more of a compliment in the form form of an insult. Because, because ask him what color his silver play button is. Your arms, he said your arms. Mine's silver. It's probably true, gesticulate a lot.

But I think I could put it on a necklace.

Yeah, you should do. Yeah, got my drill in there so I can put a big— and there's a big fucking massive thick chain in the sports shed. We should do that. Yeah, so gangster one.

Yeah, yeah, no, okay. All right, we'll do that in a bit. All right, all right, we'll wrap it up there, I guess.

Yeah, it's got a bit mumbly.

I don't know whether it ever wasn't. All right, yeah, yeah, the one with the peach cock. Yeah, yeah, that was probably the best one.

Have you got any cock gains out of that? You know, like how you can get cock rings to hold in there? Do you reckon you got any like expansion from it?

Is the cock ring— just be honest, just a straight yes, no, right?

Um, got them. But do you reckon he got any gains out of it by like restricting it so the vessels grew or stretched?

What do you call it?

A, uh, like an occlusion training thing. Yeah, we've done that on the cock though. I don't think that's good. I don't think that's a good idea at all.

He said it almost fell off. Yeah, like when you elastic banded a fucking lamb's tail and it falls off.

Yeah, but just before that, was there any gains to be had? And is it worth the risk? So what are you saying?

Oh, so it swells so much it expands its capacity for further swelling in the future. You know what, he has told me in the past that he's got a disproportionately large bombad.

Well, that could be it. So all we need to do— all we need to do is restrict it at the base. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait till it's just about to fall off and then snip. Yeah, and all back in.

So if you're gonna pass out, I'll snip yours.

If I'm gonna pass out, you'll snip mine, and then we'll have a young man there starting again. Yeah, on standby. How's that sound?

What am I on standby for? You'll find out when you listen. Just in case. Yeah, yeah, don't worry, it's a long story, mate, but we're looking to make some gains.

Yeah, we'll just say gains. We're making some— make some improvements around here.

Yeah, it's a couple of improvements, just a couple of small improvements.

I'll take half an inch. In fact, just a little bit of girth. Well, that's double then. Yeah, true. Yeah, it's a great percentage. Oh, that's wild. All right, all the best with this one, Pops.

Decipher the shit out of that.

I don't think actually much needs to come out.

No, I don't. It was mostly spoken in hieroglyphics.

Yeah, God. Right, anyway.

All right, sound.

Thanks for this. Thanks for him. Thanks for the cake.

Thanks, 7MC, for the gifts and the cake.

Thanks, Pamlo Pub.

Oh yeah.

And just shout out, if you would like a giant wooden shaft made, the K9 Carpentry guy. He doesn't know that he makes them yet.

But I'm sure he could.

If you want a big, veiny, triumphant bastard whittled out of wood. He does do bespoke work, so, uh, shit, we'll get a little— we'll get one of his last ones, like, just up here. There you are, big veiny wooden dick. Has it got a front or a back or a top or bottom? Who knows? You let us know in the comments. Thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. This has been the, uh, Caffeine and Canines, and it's been something. Catch you in the next one. Say bye.

Bye.