Agent Provocateur | Date Your Wife | EP 121

I'm in comp mode.

You can't be horny when you're in comp mode.

No, I want to go to bed and eat cookies. I want to. I can't.

Do you really, do you have no desire for suck when you're in combo?

A bite of air and I'll be just stuck.

A bite of air?

No.

Is that code name for me? Bite of me.

You know, do you. Are you. You are more into not Vikings? What is it?

Vikings is over. Season's over.

I don't know what you're watching now.

I'm watching the Last Kingdom, which is basically Vikings but new editions.

That's your new. That's your new sex that.

Not in cigars. Well, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the pre training of the date your wife a podcast. My name is like turning.

You're rotating, like, hello, where are we going?

Thanks all your energy. Welcome to the podcast. I got my warrior week T shirt on. My wife's got her green leprechaun shirt on. You just recently, as in like 10 minutes ago, finished a in person class. Tell us about this and also speak into the microphone. I know you're starving. No, you don't.

It doesn't stay erect.

It does stay erect. Put it right there in your mouth.

So south.

Okay. Well, it is south actually.

But yeah, my class was amazing. I love teaching. I just like every time I do it, I'm like, this is why we're doing what we're doing. I love seeing the students come in one way and leave another way. You're like, wow.

Tell them what you teach though. Because a lot of people may not know what you teach.

I created a hair extension system called Natural Beauta. Rose and I have and we teach them it's basically business marketing and sales for hairdressers, but we give them the tool of natural beaded Rose and I have an academy that's a year long program and this is something they get invited into when they come and attend one of our small classes. So we've been doing a lot of the smaller classes because of everything that's been going on and closed down and everything. But now things are going to be opening back up so we will move to a little bit larger, larger events towards the end of this year. But yeah, I just like love it. Every time I'm teaching, I get in this podcast, I call it the Pocket. Right, okay. And, and every. Everybody's like, they're so funny. They're like, man, I feel like I should have said an amen there. I'M like, you can, like, I get so. I get, like, so pumped up where I'm, like, sharing my stories and, like, just. Just. I love what I do.

Do you ever get an amen during class?

I know, but people will, like, they'll say, like, I. I wanted to do an amen. I'm like, you can, like, whatever you want to do.

Pastor Mark, like, asks for amens during service. You should just ask for an amen.

I know.

He's like, that's an amen. Where's my amen?

Can I get an amen? Come on.

Can I get an amen?

No, but it's good. I love what I do. But more than anything, like, program that we offer to stylists works like our results are through the roof. And for me, I'm like, that's why I do what I do. And that's why I just. I just love it. I'm still on a high from class.

That's where a child is, where a baby gets her crazy voice.

So funny. Like, I.

She gets a crazy voice from you.

Figure out where she got that, and she'll be like. And I'm like, the exorcist is in the room.

And then I'm like, you just did it yourself. Do you know. Do you want to know something interesting about her baby, but. Or. Baby. You see the scratch on my forehead?

Yeah.

I shot a sales video today with this on my forehead. Right. Can't do anything about it. Bailey thought it was zits. No. Do you know what this little turkey has been telling everybody today at home? Telling Rosie, Ruby, Bailey, Isla.

Oh, what has she been telling everybody?

Mommy did it. That's what she's been saying.

She's like, I didn't do it. Mommy did it.

No, she literally has been saying that Mommy did it. I didn't believe it. Rosie was telling me. So then I'm at the house, this.

After working, and I, like, saw you for it, and I was like, I don't. I don't. I don't remember that happening.

Well, you know, it was aggressive.

Well, no, I was like, nevermind.

Yeah. Listen, the only time I had a mark on my forehead from you was from you hitting me with a stiletto. In the forehead?

Yeah, I was like, check a stiletto again.

No, no, you did that. You chucked. You hit me right in the forehead with the heel.

You know, it was one of those moments where I was like, oh, wow.

That.

That. That really happened. Like, it was like the shoe was flying. And then I was like, oh, no, it Wasn't flying.

There was no tossing. It wasn't like David and Goliath. You weren't throwing a stone. Like you had a sling. You legitimately had it like a dagger. And you came down on my face, and then I went to block myself, and you came down on my hand, and then I grabbed you tight, like.

Yeah. That was an aggressive night.

Hey, the dark side of marriage.

Take the show off the cliff yet?

No. Well, listen, that. That mark on my forehead is. That's from my daughter. But I love that she's blaming you. Literally heard the words from her mouth. I went down and I said, oh, look at daddy's face. And she's all, oh, Mommy, do it. Mommy, do it. Mommy, do a hurt to daddy. Mommy, do it. I'm like, I don't know where she's getting this. And Bailey's laughing, Ruby's laughing, Rosie's laughing, everybody's laughing. Cause we're like, she literally did this to me, but she's blaming you. So what can you learn about that as a mother?

Mommy does everything. Mommy ties your shoes. Mommy makes your dinner. Mommy wipes your butt. Mommy, do it. Mommy, do it.

Mommy, do it. Who made my body? Mommy, do it. All right, so this training. What are you talking about? I got lots of talk. So the training game that you're in, though, this has changed you as a woman. If we go back a couple years ago, I said, let's launch a podcast. And you're like, I don't want to launch a podcast. Why don't I not? Nobody does podcast in the hair world.

I was doing more like YouTube all the time. I was just like. I was doing video, but I was not doing a podcast video. I was just doing, like, hair tutorials and YouTubes. And I had this other side of me that was like. Everyone saw, like, the tutorial, Danielle, where I'm like, hey, this is how you braid. This is how you do this. But I had, like, this in depth side of me that came out through the podcast. Like, I wouldn't YouTube. Like, a podcast environment is very different than, like, a YouTube environment. Right. So it was this.

What's different about it?

It was. Well, it's like podcasts are just. They're.

It's conversational.

Yeah, they're conversational. You're not sharing how to do it tutorials. You're not. Yeah, it's not. Most people don't film their podcast. Some people do.

A lot of people film their podcast, but yeah, a lot of people do. But, like, I mean, you. You and I have that. So, like, you went down this path, though, but, like, if you can go back, like, since 2018 was the beginning of that first podcast, we did 18, 19, 20, and now here we are in 21, and you've done big money stylist podcasts. You've done for three years, and then you've done the Date Wife podcast. We did it for basically almost two years and we quit for a year and we came back. So you've got all this podcasting going on. You also weren't running events, you were a hairstylist. If we go back to this, you were a hairstylist doing natural beauty rose. You weren't teaching and training anyone, but you decided to take on this journey. A lot of women wouldn't take this journey on. Why? As a mother, some would say that you are a bad mother because you went down the path of choosing to have a career. Lots of women say this.

Really?

Yeah. And there's a lot of men that don't. They don't think it's appropriate.

I think that there was a. I mean, all women kind of face like the mommy guilt, like, at some way shape or form, whether you work or you don't work. And I have kind of gotten to this place where, like, I work, but I also balance my time very well. And I've shared this on another podcast. And so I feel like in a lot of ways, if I'm just doing the mom thing, I like my kids. I'm like, I need a break for my kids. And if I'm just doing the work thing, I'm like, I really wanna be with my kids. So for me, just finding that balance and I'm fortunate enough to be in a place in my life where I've created really good boundaries and have able to have a lot of success with my business that I can spend time with my kids. But there was this one time, I remember when Bailey was little and it was probably maybe like five years ago, and I had to. I can't remember what happened. Like, she was sick or something. Anyway, I had to bring her into the salon and. And I was filming something and I had all this mommy yelled. I'm like, I'm working. I need to, like, be home with her, like, whatever it is. And I'm sharing. We're. We're creating some sales videos and things like that. And I. I'm a crier sometimes. I just like, I really genuinely love what I do and I believe that it has an impact on my industry. And I was doing this video. And I just kind of, I got kind of emotional and I thought my daughter was just sitting in the background playing on her iPad. And she, we paused the video and she said, mommy. Like she was little or she's like, mommy, I love you. You're. You're a great mom. And I, I literally started crying even more because, God, how many times do we not understand the example that we're being right? And her watching me work so hard, she was just, she had this like a little kid appreciation for her mommy. Like, I felt like I was a superhero to my daughter. And like, to actually hear her say that, not like, mom, when can we go? She was like, mommy, you're amazing. Like, I love you. And I was just like, oh, my God. And so I kind of. In that moment, there's been very pivotal moments, like as a mom where I'm like, I kind of like, let go. And that was one of those moments. I'm like, danielle, this guilt is not serving you. If anything, you're trying to do too many things at once. You need to like, let go of this, this mommy guilt. Like, just be in the moment with where you're at when you're there. And I kind of, for the first time realized, like, quality of time versus quantity of time is, is a massive deal.

Quality versus quantity.

I mean, I still spend a lot of time with them, but it's like those moments that I'm with them, like when I'm like, again, when I'm with my kids a lot, like, there's times I'm like, mommy needs a break, you know what I mean? Versus, like, when I'm working, I'm like, I'm gonna put my phone down, we're gonna go jump on the tramp, we're gonna make dinner together, we're gonna sit and watch Frozen. Like, we're just gonna sit and watch Frozen. I've completed all of my work, and a lot of times, even before I go home, we'll do these big events and I'll come in the office and they're like, oh, you're not going home? I'm like, no, I got like 30 minutes more of like, follow up emails and some other stuff that I want to write out and some posts and things that I want to write out. And when I go home, I want to be able to, like, put my phone down. And so that's like, one of the things I do too is I try to finish up my work so that when I go home, like, my kids experience me as being very present. And not trying to like, mommy's always on her phone. Because there's been a period in my life too where like my kids are like, you're always on your phone. But it's because I was working and artists are so guilty of doing this. I was working like 10, 12 hours a day and then going home, just putting, shoveling enough food in my mouth and then trying to do my social media. Whereas now I realize that like my social media has to be planned out and it can't be an afterthought that I do after a 12 hour workday. I was being a shitty mom, I was being a shitty boss, I was being a shitty business owner. And I was like, something's gotta change. And it was in that moment that I'm like, I have to prioritize my time to create a better overall balanced life and be a better mom and business owner. I'm not sure this, this is where you wanted to take the show, but I'm coming off of a two day high of an event.

Like we're leveraging this high of all this way too.

Like, events are exhausting or even long trainings are exhausting. And you get done and you're like, I'm on fucking fire. Like, you're like, I love what I do. I'm tired. But the energy of everybody, like, fuels you and it's, it's a really cool space to be in.

You're on fire. You're super hot when you're in that play makes me very, very, very horny.

Oh, my God.

Oh, this also makes me horny. Is the word, giant word sex sitting on this tablet. Well, because that's part of what we're gonna talk about today.

I'm pouring my little soul out and you're like, I'm horny. I'm like, just living my purpose driven life. But we'll take care of that tonight.

Listen, I am loving where you at. I'm just saying it's like, it's not making me horny. It's just this very. No, no, no. This is part of our conversation. It's our notes. Our notes are right there. It is our notes we talked about earlier this week.

Tell me about this Kings of Power, Christ, what thing?

Yeah, exactly. You don't even know what's going on in my life. I'll update you here on the show today, but what we're going to first talk about is address this. Number one, your power as a woman increased. As a producer, I feel more powerful.

I feel like my power keeps growing.

And I'm like, yeah, but here's your power as a producer, your power as a provider. We'll create some distinction. And your power as a protector of your family has gone up right? You produce more money. You provide more time, energy, love, and value to the kids. You're protecting the home, the vision of the family, et cetera. And these three things have a rising amount of power. Now, I've also noticed in the past 18 months that there is a provocative version of you that has shown up.

I have to reel in stripper Danielle.

Like, no, you do not. I need you to never say those filthy words ever again. Take that fucking sentence back. Burn it. Rewind the tape. Men in Black. Do not ever say that again.

And then just stripper Danielle comes right out.

But this is what every guy wants. Every guy wants his wife to be a stripper. They don't want strippers. They want their wife to be the stripper.

See, ladies, you just need a beer man. Stripper.

Yep. I would like it. I like where you're going with that, but here's a question. You were not even close to being the. Be the stripper. We had a. We had a conversation. I had an interview with the guy this week, and he was talking about sex life with him and his wife, and they were raised in a pretty traditional Christian household, and she. She. She's kind of a. If they're going to have sex, the doors have to be shut, the windshield wipe, the wind, the drapes have to be down.

I feel a little bit like a dude. I'm like, hey, a girl's got some needs.

That's great. I like it. Is that what breaks out, the stripper mode? Yeah. No.

I don't know. I feel like I'm just, like, more comfortable with myself. I'm comfortable with the topic of sex. I'm just like, hey, like.

But if you rewind five years ago, you weren't.

But I think our relationship isn't where it is now.

I agree, but how much of this is linked up to the fact that you feel powerful as a producer, you feel powerful as a mom and a provider, and you feel powerful as a protector for the vision of the family? Because if you look at those things, you were providing, but you weren't producing at the high level that you are now, you've always kind of been protecting. What I'm opening up here is this model that our friend Keith Yackey's introduced to all the guys in Warrior, and we're going through it right now in a series which is the provider, the protector, and the producer. So I'm gonna give you the angle from it as a guy, okay? So here's how it goes. Here's how guys think. Guys think, okay? I need to be a producer. This is the baseline I need to make some money. If I make some money, the logical thing that will happen is my wife will want to get naked with me in the shower. This is like our logic. It's very simple. If I produce even more, my wife on A Tuesday at 2pm will ask if I want a blowjob. Like, these are things that our brains are thinking as guys, okay? Now, unfortunately, neither of those two things happen. The shower doesn't happen, nor does a blowjob. So there's a frustration. Then you're like, okay, what's the problem? Guys come to worry. We're like, hey, you gotta make some money. If you don't make some money, it's gonna be a struggle. And then we teach them, hey, you've gotta be a provider. Your wife is needing some emotional time. She's needing it to listen. She's needing to show up for the kids to feel safe and to secure. So then they go down the path. They're making some money. They're providing some security in the emotional game. They're listening. And they then assume, okay, well, before I assumed I was going to have sex in the shower and a blowjob On Tuesday at 2:15, these two things were both going to happen when I'm a producer, for sure. They're going to happen when I'm a producer and provider. And guess what happens? They still don't get the result. So then they're like, garrett, coach, what the fuck? And I'm like, all right, no worries. We got to add a third element to this. We got to add the protector. I want you to start putting money into the Queen's vault. I want to start investing money in your wife. Going on the date nights, going on the trips. I want start giving her value, protect her future, protect her security. Build your estate plans, build your insurance plans, and we start going down the path to do then, yeah, well, we're not on the plan. I'm not training women. I'm training guys. We're here on the podcast. We're talking. You train women, I'm training guys. This is why you're here. You're here to answer the quantum question that I train.

Are all working women. So it's. It's a.

So they're all aggressive women, too?

They're not aggressive. They're Just working women and hairstylists don't work like normal people. They literally are some of the most hardest working people. They. We. They love what they do so much that they're willing to, like, work for, like, nothing because they're so passionate about the art, and they love making people feel beautiful. Every class I do, people are like, you know, it'd be nice if I got paid a little more. I'm like, guess what would be nice? If you loved what you did and you got paid a fucking shit ton. That's what would be nice. And they're like, oh. And they feel all guilty. I'm like, you feel guilty because you love what you do. I'm like, but you should. So anyways, it's about, like, totally shifting their mindset of, like, hey, just because you love what you do doesn't mean you can't make great money. I don't know where I was going with that.

I like it. Don't worry. I'm gonna loop that right back in. So a producer.

That's what they're being. Yeah, so that's what I was talking about.

So, like, and they. They. They get guilty about being a provider because they're gone and working. So then we're teaching them in DKW styling. You're teaching me how to be providers for their kids and spend more time at home. Work three days a week, three clients a day. Protectors of the vision of the family. But this leaves us with this element, because I even got to this place with you. I hit this place with you in 2016. 17 is when I said, you should probably date other guys. I said, I don't know if we're gonna make it out of this. I don't think we're gonna get there. Which was. I produced, I provided, and I protected. And sex was still not happening. I mean, it was happening, but it was still not even close to what.

We'Re in 20, 21, where you're at. We'll probably just need to go ahead and get divorced. Cause that's not gonna work.

But that's what I'm saying is we were there. Producer, provider, protector. I was covering all the bases I could as a man, but there was still no. There's. There was no what we got going on now. Like, what's happened in the last, like, two, three years. It was not happening five years and definitely wasn't happening 10 years ago. What?

But I think it's all the hard work that we put in, it's finally.

Like, okay, but what was it what shifted the needle? Because I was in the beginning. I wasn't producing.

It's a series of events. It's like people saying, what's your secret sauce? To marketing? You're like, it's not one thing. I can't even.

Okay, well, what were. What were some of them. Think about what happened with us. A relationship. And what led you.

It was a series of events.

Okay, give me an example of a. An event in the series.

First event. Things aren't great. We move away from all family, all friends, Any outside noise in our world that's telling us, you should do this, you should do that. You should be married to him. You shouldn't be married to him. You should do, like. Literally. I was like, I have to escape everybody.

Were there people telling, you should divorce me?

No. People at that point didn't know, like, what was going on? Actually, no, they were.

I'm surprised that somebody didn't ever tell you that.

There were people that were not. Like, they were kind of like, why are you with him? Kind of thing.

Who told you this?

It just, like. It would just be like. Like, I was like, you can tell.

Me who it is. I don't care.

It wasn't anything specific. It was like. That was the energy I would feel based. It's not like.

Like, people you were talking to, like.

It wasn't like they came. Why are you with him? It was like, oh, like. You know what I mean?

Like, people were embarrassed by me at the time.

No, they were just like, this, You're a cute girl. Like, this guy's had, like, he, like, everything that was going on, they were like, why are you with him? But anyway, I saw the Garrett I always knew was there, but anyways, actually, I was in a really vulnerable space, and I. I didn't know if I wanted to be married to you at all. But I just knew if I didn't figure something out, it doesn't mean I'd be happier with somebody else. So I just chose to stay. And.

Yeah, but that didn't lead to any of the seductive stuff going on now. So what happened? So one step was you moved.

We moved. I was like, if I'm gonna give my family a fighting chance, I gotta get out of the noise. So we literally. We left our religion, we left our family. We left our friends. We short sold our home. We, like, packed shit up and left. Move to Arizona. So that was number one. There was no. It was quiet. It was like, okay, Danielle, you're gonna face your problems. Like, head. Head on. Like, there's no noise. So that was step number one. Face your problems head on. No noise.

But we had to get away from the noise.

We had to get away from the noise.

Okay, so we got away from the noise. This opened up the space. Now what happened?

So then it was like, okay, you started bringing up the topic of, like, we need to go on date nights every week. And I'm like, we don't have any money to go on date nights every week. And you're like, we're gonna prioritize this. We're gonna go on date nights, even if it's to grab a slice of pizza. Like, even if we just pay the babysitter, and we don't have any other money, and we just get ice cream, like, whatever. And I was like, okay. And then it opened up the space of, like, okay, we got a babysitter. And because we stepped outside of our religion and the noise, all of a sudden we were like, on date nights. And I was like, I think I'm gonna order a cocktail. Cause I didn't drink until, like, my 30s. Like, and I'm 38. So all of a sudden I was like, ooh. All of a sudden I found, you know, tequila. And I was like, oh, it's nice. So we start going out, and I'm having fun. And, like, we're kind of feeling, like, a little naughty. And, like, we're going out, having a cocktail, and there's no family and there's no friends, and there's nobody. It's like, a fresh start. And I'm like, ooh. So then there's like, this little bit of, like, a fun factor, right? So it's like, okay, so we're dating. We're enjoying these date nights. Not every date night was amazing. Sometimes we fought, you know, like, whatever it was. But I think we committed to that, and we stayed consistent, and we were able to kind, like, reconnect on this. Like, hey, let's have fun again. Space. You know what I mean? So that was number two. Find out how to have fun and make time for one another.

Okay? So we get the space. We create the space. We eliminate some of the noise inside of the noise. We start to create activities, like, date your wife. Weird. That's the name of the show. Date your wife, which is go out frequently. If you don't have the money, consistently create space. What was the third piece? I mean, you're on a roll. You're in trainer mode. Let's roll.

Okay, so I'm just going through, like, the last decade.

So we're doing this 2011, 2012, 2013. We moved to California.

So then we move here. We continue our date nights. I think we just, we continued on that road for a while.

But there was a constant. There was still a tug of war battle about sex and intimacy. Clear till 2016.

I think the third pivotal point is finally when you were like, you should date somebody else. I'm like, you can go fuck yourself. And then I was like, I finally, at that point, was open to counseling because you'd want to. You'd be like, we need counseling. We need counseling. And to me, I looked at it on my counseling is for broken people, and I don't want them to know our secrets.

And you know what's interesting? Before we went to the counseling. Let's look at this. Let's look at this bracket. Producer, provider, protector. You gave me checklists of things I needed to shoot off the list. You realize this, man, I realized I was trying to earn my trust back. I mean, I had cheated. There was things I'd done. I was not the guy that had shown up. I wasn't a producer, I wasn't a provider, and I wasn't a protector. I had violated all three of those. So I was going down, checking off the list. I'm going to check off the producer. Okay, I need to make money. Check. So I started doing that, and I thought there should be an automatic change with sex, but there wasn't.

But I was also making money. So it created a different dynamic in our relationship. Because when I shared this in our past podcast, like, I'm like, I'm like, I didn't. Like, I was feeling more in power even then because I was making money. And if I didn't want to be in a relationship with you, I was kind of at this place where I'm like, it. I'm out. I'm cute. I'm in my 30s. Like, I got two kids. I'll snag another cutie. Like, Like, I. I had to get to this place where I'm like, we have to be able to come back together and appreciate and respect each other for where we're at, you know?

So I'm going down the producer path. You're going down the producer path. You're still. You don't have explosive profits yet. You're doing good, but you don't have explosive profits. My businesses. You're doing good. My businesses explode. So I'm thinking and assuming, hey, do you not know who I am? We should be having lots of sex, but we still weren't. It was still a struggle, but still an uncomfortable conversation. We would still fight and battle about it. We'd even go on vacation and get in fights over it.

But you were kind of douchey about it.

I was.

You were. You were like, babe, I made money. Really inappropriate, but I won't say it. No, do it. It's dirty. I'm not gonna say it.

Say it.

You were like, babe, like, come on, do your duties. And I was like, do your own duties. Like, no. So I think when you kind of like, it was like, hey, I did my part. I'm really producing. I'm like, because I was producing also, I might not have been like, producing as much as you were. I was like, gross. Just cuz you make a shit ton of money. Like, you don't get. Like, I can go. I can go produce for myself. Like, I don't. You can't expect this just because you think you're making a lot of money. Like, you still gotta. Still gotta seduce me. We still gotta, like, connect. We still gotta have that other piece to this magic. I'm not gonna just magically want to drop my pants for you because you're making more money.

You would even like, you would even stand at that time, like with your back to me because you didn't want me to look at your chest to your breasts.

You seemed creepy. A little bit.

Yeah, I was.

Because I think because you were in this.

I was so desperate.

You were just in this place of desperation and you were just kind of like, babe, you want to fuck me? And I was like, I don't know.

If I like that. Do you know that season, that's when I came up with vaginal masturbation. This is like one of the iconic.

Statements of the story. I spent so much on this story. And I hope it helps a lot of people because I'm like, are we talking about.

No, that's what we would call it. Because you were in the. I don't want to do this. And I was like, in the. What the am I having? And this is what led to.

That was like. That was just like, all right, I know he's got needs. Like, I'll just like, we'll just get it done.

Yeah, that's when I found a flashlight. You know, this is. You know what this is? It's a masturbation toy for men.

That's so gross.

I. I know for women it's disgusting at some level.

See that though?

I left it out on purpose. I left it out on purpose. At the time.

Because you wanted to turn me off.

No, I didn't want to turn you off. I want to be like, hey, listen, this is what I'm having to do now. I'm having to handle myself, right?

But just so you know, when I saw that, I'm like, gross.

I know. At that point, I didn't care. It wasn't, like, winning, right? So I was like, but I'm pointing my game here. This has a happy ending.

You're being very vulnerable.

This has this a happy ending. This podcast is going to help a lot of people. Okay? So we're in this place and we've got this producer. I've got the money game down. She's making money. We're still not solving this game. This all leads back to the provocateur square. I promise you, this is going to.

Make all my Stay with me wrap this around.

I wrap everything around in a perfect way. It's my master skill. So then I'm like, you start saying, well, you don't come home on time. You don't spend time with the kids. You're not helping out. And so I'm like, okay. So I start trying to take the kids to school in the morning. I start taking the kids home at night. I start putting them in bed. I wake up with the kids at night. I do. So I'm now trying to be the provider because I'm like, okay, she said, I'm not showing up in these areas. Maybe if I show up in those areas, then I'll get laid. So I'm thinking, again, notice the key characteristic in all of this. I'm not producing for myself directly, although I am. What I'm really producing for is to get laid. And then I'm coming into the provider role, and I'm taking care of my kids while looking over my shoulder at her and going, do you see me taking care of the kids? Do you want to get naked with me?

And I hate when you like. I hate when people do something in to expect something back in return. I'm like, relationships like they like to me. It's like, I want to do this for you and you want to do this for me. And I don't want to do this for you because I expect you to do something back for me.

But in the beginning, and by the way, I'm laying this out because this is what we found right now. We're finding this is the vast majority. When men in relationships are trying to figure out, how do we get to a place of feeling wanted it's not even orgasm. It's not even sex. Now I feel wanted. Beyond wanted. At that time, I didn't feel wanted. The flashlight wanted me. And that was about it. Like, I was like, how do I pull this off? Right? So the provider started showing up, and the provider was doing his thing. But then I was like, that's not working. And then you're like, protector. And you're like, I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe. And that was when I broke and we went to therapy because you were like, I can't keep leasing at home. You got to buy a house so I can feel safe. And I was like, fuck this. I'm outta here. This is bullshit. Fuck you. This is not gonna work out. And we started down this huge battle path that led us in the kitchen that day. I said, I'm tired of shooting the checklist. You're feeling like, I'm sick and tired of you being a weirdo fucking pervert who keeps doing all these things and expecting all of this stuff from me. And this leads us to therapy. Finally, we decide to go to therapy. Do you think everybody needs to go to therapy?

I think that therapy, yes. There's nothing wrong with it. I think it's like a sounding board. Like, literally, you hear it differently. It's like when you say something and somebody says what you said back, and you're like, oh, that sounds totally different. It's a sounding board even. Like, we have a sounding board. His name's Jeff at the office, and we'll bring him in when it's like, me and my other girlfriend.

Jeff's our CFO for both companies, and.

So we'll bring him in with me and my other girls, and we're like, what do you think about this idea? What do you think about? And Jeff is so neutral, and he'll be like, well, here's what I'm hearing. And I'm like, I didn't think about it that way. And so I think a therapist puts a logical spin on too much emotional backlash in a relationship. That helps you find clarity in your actual problems and how to figure them out and solve them.

We could not. We had gotten to an impasse. Like, there was no way. So I was in the place of like, dude, I'm hitting the checklist. What the fuck's wrong with you? She's like, you are a complete pervert. You're being a weirdo. I got too much trauma and baggage with you. Everything's come with strings attached. And by the way, we had pockets of, like, joy and happiness along the way. It wasn't one dark. That's why I was, like, dark spread of insanity.

That's why I was saying, like, building that fun piece together was kind of crucial for our relationship, because we could still go out and have fun and, like, do date nights and that kind of thing.

We still had fun.

It was like we weren't addressing the elephant in the room. We still were. Like, we had moments of happiness, but, like, we were still circling the same shit. And that's how life works. It's like, you think you solved this. You put a fucking band aid on it. You put some duct tape on it. You didn't solve anything. And that's why you keep coming back to the same thing that's happening. You're not gonna get out of this until you figure out how to solve it. And that's how life works.

So we're sitting there in therapy, and we went to therapy. We went. I picked up a couple therapists, and, like, we went to a couple, and we finally found the one. And then we drove every day, and it was. It was our couple times a week. And it was great because we had, like, an hour to go.

We didn't go for that long, but we did. Like, we did. We literally went, like, for, like, six weeks.

Yeah. Most people would go, like, you know, once a week, once a month.

We were, like.

We were doubling up.

Yeah, we were, like, doubling up. We were like, we're gonna fix this shit fast.

Remember, we had a couple, and then we had individuals happening, and we got to. I mean, we were only, like, two to three times, and we're basically doing three sessions in a. So we were going to sessions. We're having these conversations. We're getting really vulnerable, and it's inside of these conversations that we actually uncover a narrative that shatters my entire world. I talked about this at Funnel Hacking live on stage last year when I spoke, which was, I came in, I'm sitting on the couch, and you and I. I would share to therapist. Therapist would then share to you. Share. You would share to therapist. Therapist and then share to me, even though we're sitting on the same couch and talking.

Right.

This was super healthy. Was this helpful for you as a woman? Like, being in a situation, I got triggered, and we yell all the time.

And she put it in, like, such good perspective. I'm like. Like, I was always so scared to share because you would pop your lid and blow up, and I'm like, you want me to talk? And you Want me to share my feelings. And I don't feel in a safe place because your emotions, you're gonna, like, tower over me. And she explained it like, garrett, you're like a giant tsunami, like, coming over her. And I was like. And she described you as what, a wallflower or whatever. I don't know.

She's a little tiny. She's a little tiny. How dare you?

But I was like, literally, like. I'm like, you want me to, like, be in communication with you, but, like, I don't feel safe to where I can without you blowing up and chasing me around the house, telling me why I'm a crazy person. I'm like, you're the guy chasing me around the house, trying to tell me why I'm wrong. And you're right.

And that's how I got a stiletto in the phone.

And you better watch the fuck out.

So we go through this. We move in 2017, we go to date with destiny, the end of 2016, which I think was a very important game for us. It was interesting. We went to Date with Destiny. We got tickets to this event. Tony's sons were part of Warrior at the time, and he hooked us up to go to Date With Destiny. And we end up there, and the only room we can get is a room with two single beds that are apart from each other in the room. And I thought, the irony of this is critical. For those who've read Attack with a stack inside the Wake Up Warrior series. This is the initial text threads that we're talking and I share about in the conversations Danielle and I were having in 2016 that led to the breakthrough in 2017. So 17, we have a shift, we go through therapy, we go to Date with Destiny. You find experiential training for the first time. You're watching Tony transform people's lives. You're now seeing what I've been up to. You're also experiencing it for yourself. And we start to open up this new world inside of our relationship, which is Agent Provocateur.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

Yes. Okay, what was it?

Agent Provocateur is an actual place. Tell them about it. What is this place? So in case they want to go to in Vegas, they don't. Because I.

It's not just in Vegas. It's all over.

Well, I brought up Agent Provocateur for like four or five days in a row to hundreds of guys, and almost no guys even knows about Agent Provocateur. I didn't know about Agent Provocateur until you took me to Agent Vocor.

I love it. It's just really cool.

Tell them about it. What is it?

It's cute lingerie.

Yeah, but it's not. It's not just a cute, expensive lingerie. It's the process. Talk about the process.

Well, like, when you go. If you actually go into a store, there's a girl that comes in. It's kind of hot. The guy sits in the room with you. They usually have, like, champagne they bring you, and they help make sure everything fits right. Which, to a guy, he's like, this is awesome. I'm watching some girl dress my wife in lingerie. Like, this is super hot, and it's super classy and professional, but it's.

It's super hot.

That's the experience. You have a girl helping you put lingerie on while you drink champagne.

So Agent Provocateur actually opened up the fourth chapter in the game, which is Provocateur. Okay, so provocateur is to provoke. And what are we trying to provoke? We're trying to provoke the unleashing of carnal sexuality and spiritual connection in marriage. So all of these things, provider. Provider, protect. You know, that's what changed.

They want this passion. They want this drive. What do you think? They. They watch all these 50 shades of grey. Yeah, they. They want that. They're like, please take me. Like, they want to be. They want to give themselves up to you, but they have to feel safe and kind of, like, dangerous and kind of, like, sexy and like, they want to. It's not that women don't want this, too.

Is this. Why do you think. Is why so many marriages end up ending? Because they want to go back to the seduction phase?

I honestly wonder. Like, they're in this place where they're like, well, fuck it. Like, I just. I'm sorry. I keep saying the effort a lot on the show, so.

So I'd just like to note the record. My wife has said fuck more in this podcast than I have winning. All right, continue. No, I like it when you're on fire after your training mode. You and Ani and your girls, you guys are aggressive, man. Time in the training space.

No, I.

So we started this, like, started invoking this idea to be taken. Like, I know women want this. I've heard this. I was like, there's no way.

I think my mind's broken, but I get it. Like, you think, like, oh, you think, oh, it's gonna be funner if I, you know, if I go back to that Seduction phase. But all of my single friends, like, they'll have moments. I'm like, good for you, girl. And then, like, it always ends bad. I'm like, that sounds awful. I don't want to ever be single again. They're like, it sucks, man.

I'm like, oh, well, the provocateur is possible when you don't have any clarity about somebody as a producer, a provider, or protector.

Yeah.

So if all you care about is a provocateur, there's no narrative, which means it gets to be like the movie. But when you're married, trying to invoke the provocateur is almost impossible without being a solid producer, provider, and protector. But it requires a new game now. I had to learn. There was a thing I used to do to you that you fucking hated. Tell them. Tell him what it was.

So I would come home from a long day, like a 12 hour day, like, whatever it was. And instead of just being like, hey, babe, how was your day? Like, whatever. I. The first thing I got was a slap in the ass. I was like, did you just like, I've been working 12 hours. Did you just. Not even like a gentle, like.

No, it was just a slap.

It was like, just a tap in the ass. And I was like, I'll fuck you up right now. That's always what went on in my head. I was like, I had to like.

And in my head, I'm like, she totally wants me.

There was a period where almost like, made me shudder. I was like, God, I'm like, I don't want to be that naggy wife that's like, I don't want to make my man feel rejected, but God damn it, I don't want you to slap my ass every time I come home.

And I did. I did that. I'm not gonna. I can't deny it. I did that. And I operated like a pouty, whiny, desperate, needy.

Well, you just. You just seem like all you wanted was I was just a giant vagina walking around. I was like, it was cool. I mean, I feel like, like, as much as you felt like you were, like, putting in your time and doing your things. Like, I'm like, I feel like I'm showing up. You know what I mean? I'm like, why are you still slapping my ass when I walk inside? Like, treat me like a woman. Treat me like a human being. I. Not a piece of meat. Literally. Like, just because we're married, you're still gonna have to work for it. I. I'm not gonna just give you a blowjob in the kitchen right now. I'm sorry. No.

Oh, damn it. Oh. Oh, damn it. Says every man in the world.

Damn it.

Not getting a blowjob. Between the cooking of the broccoli and the tilapia. Not happening. I'll bet you I know what it will turn her on to give me a blowjob. Smack her on the. The ass.

Right? But here's the thing, though. Here's the thing. Like, we all have these fantasies in our head. Like even women do. You're like, I'm gonna come home and magically the kids are all gonna be in bed and my husband's just gonna rip my shirt off and he's gonna take me on the counter and, like, we're gonna eat strawberries and drip chocolate on us and drink champagne and whatever we do. Like, right? But that's not the reality of how it works. So you're gonna have sexy, seductive moments. Maybe in Mexico, we don't know.

Wow.

But you have to.

You wow.

But you might have to create those. You create your fantasy, your provocateur. You create that. That shit doesn't just show up. Your wife's not gonna give you a blowjob in the kitchen after working 10 hours. Sorry, guys. And if it happens, then it was meant to be.

It means you have high level agent provocateur skills. Here's the piece I wanna get to, though. When I fell solid as a producer, a provider, and a protector as a man, it allowed me to step back and recognize how much I was fucking up my provocateur. I wasn't showing up as a provocateur. I was showing up as a. I was showing up as a pussy. I was showing up not as a man. Which was interesting because we were talking about this this week on our training with hundreds of my guys. I'm like, how many of you guys have done this? The producer, provider, protector, and sat in complete dumbfounded stupidity about how there is not seductive sex. And it's not like guys are not having the sex they are, but it's the drapes pulled down, two comforters, Eskimo suit hiding under the covers. We call vaginal masturbation. And we're like, that sucks. Most guys are not about the quantity game. They want quality. They don't know how to get it. They don't know how to create it. So provocateur is a status, but it's a way of creating wanting. What I realized more than anything, I didn't actually want sex. I do want sex. Let me take that back. I do want the sex, but what I want more than the sex.

You wanted the connection.

I wanted to feel something beyond the connection.

I wanted to feel wanted.

Wanted. That's what. I didn't realize this. So my whole 20 years trying to pursue this with Daniel, you thought you.

Wanted sex, but you wanted instead of being wanted.

But, well, you can have sex and not feel wanted. That's the crazier part.

Totally. You could have super hollow sex and be like, what am I missing? I must need more sex. Nope, you are not feeling wanted.

So there is a level of spiritual and carnal unleashing that has to happen. But that comes with strategy, and that comes with conversation, and that comes with recognizing that you are an independent person from your spouse and me recognizing. If I want ultimately what I say I want, then my behaviors must align with what I say I want, which means I've got to create the conditions of seduction that lead to getting what I'm wanting. Whereas I was looking for the quick hit. I was like, I want to be totally, aesthetically ripped with the pop of a pill, or I want to do all these other things, but not recognize that provocateur is an entire category of conversation. It's the entire place that I must actually operate and become good at. I feel like I'm doing better at it. But you know what's interesting? This week, I feel like I've not been in provocateur for three days. Do you feel this? I feel like I've been a producer, provider, protector, but there's not been a lot of provocateur going on.

Such a.

But that was like, a week and a half ago.

Yeah, I know. And then it's like we're slowly, like.

Actually, I don't think it's. It. We had great sex, like, five days ago or something. But, like. But I'm saying, like, the last few days, like, I've noticed myself being more aware of this. I'm like, there hasn't been a lot of. Of provocateur, meaning there's not a lot of flirting, and there's not a lot of teasing. In the last couple days, it's been.

A lot of activity when there is, like, flirting and teasing. Like, that's when you, like, walk in a room like, he's hot. But when that's not happening, you're just kind of like roomies, which is where.

We'Ve been for the last couple days.

Kind of like, oh. So you have to, like, kind of like, go back and rebuild that spark again. You're like, oh, I gotta put forth some effort. We gotta, like, we gotta like, make. We gotta make some flirting happen or something. I don't know. Well, listen, sometimes I like a midweek date night. Cause I'm like, God, maybe like, it's almost like we had like so much family time over the weekend that I didn't have enough, like, you and I time. Right.

Well, that's a challenge with lots of things.

Yeah. So sometimes we'll even do like a midweek date night. And it's just like, fun to go have dinner and talk and hang out and have somebody else put the kids to bed. And we don't stay out that late. Cause it's school night. Cause it's a Tuesday. But sometimes when I feel a little distance, I'm like, hey, let's have the nanny say, let's go grab a bite to eat or whatever.

Being aware of this has been a big deal. Like, I just can tell that for the last four or five days, we've been in like, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. She's been in events, I've been running. I have full day trainings. We've got the kids at night, I'm in the pool with the kids and we're in the game.

You just have to be aware of it and make sure that you're putting forth in that effort to kind of keep that spark going.

What has shifted over time is my mindset on it. Right. My psychology. In the past, my psychology would be angry at you.

Yeah, you'd get and that. And then I'd be like, I could feel the anger rising. And now I just feel like, oh, we're both busy. More like, hey, like. Like, let's make some time for another one. Another. But when too long would go by, you. Yeah, you were. You were kind of like I was.

Angry and now push you away and.

Shut down and be angry and to have, like, little jabs. And I was like, I want to want you, but like, you're. You're pushing me away now.

But the accountability is what changed. Right. So there was accountability on my side. Listen, I've got to show up in a way that allows for the conditions for her to feel wanted. That means I need to be the producer, the provider, the protector, and the provocateur, which means a flirting and a setup. I can't just walk in a room, be like, hey, do you want to get naked with me?

But if I feel safe, they don't want to feel like every time they Come home, their husband expects it, they're going to slap them in their ass. They want to feel like, hey, if it happens tonight, great. And if it doesn't, that's great, too. And if you leave that space and energy open, you're like, Then I'm like, ooh. Then I find myself wanting it more. Because you're in a space of like, hey, babe, I know you're busy. Like, I'd love to connect. But if we don't, like, it's. There's less of that anger. There's no neediness. There's no, like, hey, I expect you to put out because I made good money this month. It's like, hey. It's just literally, we now feel safe sexually to be like, hey, like, kids are in bed. Let's go do this. Whereas before, when you're angry, it was kind of like, well, let's just get it over with, because it's been five days. You know what I mean? It was just like, the tension's building, and I don't like the tension. So that's why you didn't feel wanted is because I was just doing my part to break the tension. And really, if I felt safe, you know what happens when I feel safe?

Yeah, we have great soccer and the piece of responsibility, or two things. I'm gonna share two things they have with me, and then we'll wrap this show up. The first thing is I recognize my fault, right? And I recognize some of your relationships with your wife is cold ice block, right? She's not gonna reach out. This is gonna take a lot of work. But this starts with responsibility for you, right? Which is you are the catalyst for change. So it's like, okay, well, how are you showing up? Are you providing? Are you producing? Are you protecting? Are you provoking? Are you doing these things right? And if the provoking game is about flirting, it's about connecting. It's about putting in the time of multiple days of setup for the moment. Now, along with that, that means stop jerking off. Let me tell you why. When you jerking off, you release the tension in your balls. The balls tension released now has you less concerned about connecting. And if you're looking at porn, then it has even less desire, which means you will become even more of an entitled, pouty pussy. But when you cut yourself off from the porn and you stop the masturbation and you allow for the provocation. The provocation. The provoking of sexuality with your wife to build and you're building inside, you will find there are moments you Will do what you would not normally do when you're depleted from your damn masturbation. You're porn. And I know as a pro. So as I sat there, I think, think about it last, like, probably two years, year and a half of my. I think I've masturbated, like, two, three, four times, maybe max. Which is very different than what the past was. And it was all part of this perpetual problem behind the scenes. She's the problem. I'm gonna go look at porn and jerk off. She's a problem. I'm gonna look at porn and jerk off. Then I would blame you for not being at it yet. Doing no work or effort. Now you can walk around fully naked.

Does this happen?

What's that?

A lot for granted.

A ton. For guys, this happens a shitload. I train them. Tons. Thousands of guys, Christian guys, men who are very good, men who do not cheat on their wives. They have no idea how to provoke the game. So we're gonna continue this series in this conversation. We're gonna talk about it next time. Some of the key tips of provocation. I don't even know if that's a word, but what it starts with is responsibility. And it starts with you being responsible as a producer, a provider, protector. I can promise you, if I'm not producing and making money, if I'm not providing emotional and spiritual support for my family, and if I'm not protecting my family as a leader, right? If I'm not doing those three things, I'm throwing my wife out as a shield to deal with life insurance issues and stealing the car issues and whatever, which I used to do. Then I'm only. All I'm doing is I'm just de. Feminizing her and demasculizing masculinity myself. So if I can take care of those three, now I've got to enter the science of the. Of being a provocateur. I think of it one simple thing, right? My normal game. Anytime I saw you naked back in the day was like, oh, she for sure wants to have sex right now. Now it's not even a thought I have. I just look at you. I'm like, she is fucking.

You know what? It's so funny is like, I don't even touch it. I realize now, like, I. You. When I used to get ready, I'd hurry and, like, put on my underwear because I was like, oh, now I'm so. I'm. I'm pretty comfortable with myself. And now, like, I'm. I'm like, naked And I'm not, like, worried, like. Cause you used to come in the bathroom and be like, oh, no, he's gonna want to have sex. And now, like, I know. You know, like, I just get ready naked sometimes. Like, and you. You don't come in with the weird energy of, like, you notice me, and.

I actually look you in the eyes. I do do a one or two up and down, but I look you.

In the eyes where I'm like, yeah, go ahead and look, buddy. Like, I don't feel like, oh, God. You know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, you like that? Okay, whatever. Like, it's. I feel safe.

You don't even. Like, you don't turn your back to me now. You actually pose a little bit.

I don't. I don't really care. Like, I feel safe. I feel safer being naked. And it wasn't that I was insecure with my body. I think in the past, you used to be like, oh, well, she's not, like, comfortable with her body, baby. That's why she turns her back. I'm like, no, I turned my back because it made me uncomfortable when you would walk in and I'd be getting ready. And you thought, like, because I was getting ready naked, that I wanted to have sex with you. I do not want to have sex with you right now. I'm putting on my makeup.

Yep. That's a weird game for a guy because he just assumes if there's a naked lady, no, she probably wants to have sex.

And you know what? I want you to look, but I want you to look and hold onto that image.

Yeah, I did. I hold it on. I hold it in. Let those balls fill up with greatness.

And that's great, as long as we get to release that later, because that.

Tension goes to the outside of my body and that energy around and the intensity.

I'm not weird about it anymore. So I'm like, yeah, go ahead and have a look. You like this. Okay, you are right. I do like this.

I like this right now.

Bottle that up and save that for later.

We are. We're in the show. I got a lot of tingling happening. All right. That brings this episode to a close. The producer, the provider, the protector, and the provocateur.

You guys get a lot of value out of this.

Couple things here. The framework that you're hearing right now is actually something one of my friends Keith, put together. You can check or learn about it@marriedgame.com he's got a little training series there I think might be really useful for you on top of this. Also, if you are here inside of the game, you're wondering how to put yourself on fire as a man or as a woman. You can check that out wakeupwarriorchallenge.com or head to wakeupwarrior.com either one will take you there. These are the systems and tools we use to help turn our marriage around, turn our lives around. If they can be useful and helpful to you, we'd love to offer them up to you and give you a chance to do that. And finally, if you want to follow my wife, she's beautiful, amazing, stunning and powerful on her journey with fitness, hair, life, business, success and being a mother. You can follow her on Instagram where she pretty much it's her second home and her mistress. You can find it handle at Danielle Kwhite or you can check her out@dkw styling.com my friends, we're out, we're out, we're out, we're out. The tingling is here. It's time to go handle some business. We'll see you guys next week.