Below the Surface | Date Your Wife | Ep 108

It's the speed version.

Hey, everybody, this is Garrett J. White, the founder of Wake Up Warrior, here with your co host, Ms. Danielle K. White, the founder of DKW Styling. And today, this is the Date youe Wife podcast. And we're here excited to be back with you again in a deep dive conversation where we're talking around the ideas of what? Danielle, the camera's now on you. What are we talking about here on the show? Not today. Just.

We are talking about your son bringing me a nice coffee. That's all we're talking about.

Oh, nice. Parker got in on the live screen. Well, thank you for that, my friend.

I gave him strict instructions to get through the show. I needed this.

That's a giant iced coffee. Have you ever had an iced coffee that size before?

Mm.

I don't think I've ever seen you with an iced coffee that big. That's giant.

You know what? Okay, so you go to Starbucks and you pay $8 for, like, half of this. You go to McDonald's and you get double for, like 2 bucks. It's great.

Yeah. Does it taste the same as the Starbucks coffee ice cream?

I'd give you a sip, but you have a cold. I like it. They have a sugar free. It's just simple. Like, sometimes I go to Starbucks and it's just so much. It's overwhelming. I'm like, too many options. Give me less choices. I just want an iced coffee. I just want a little squirt of Vanill, and I want to pay $2 and get twice as much.

Okay. I sound like a smoker this morning.

Yeah. Stop smoking.

Yeah. Not been smoking. Not taking that habit up anytime soon. I've actually taken myself down a path of no drinking for the last two weeks.

How are you feeling? You know what? It's kind of nice.

Have you noticed some things with this with me? What have you noticed with the fact that I haven't drank for. This is over 14 days. I'm going on 15 days. No alcohol in my system.

15. What have I noticed?

What have you noticed about me from your perspective as my wife?

You're more chill. Like, I think that anybody when you're drinking, like, sometimes you have the tendency to just say stupid things. So when you're not drinking, you seem more focused and, I don't know, you seem more chill. More focused, I guess.

More chill and more focused. Do you notice any of the bad habits maybe that don't show up when I'm not drinking? There's probably some that do show up because I'm not drinking now. Probably some things I'm doing.

Any bad habits?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Things I would do when I was drinking that are not showing up in the last two weeks.

I'm being honest. Like, sometimes I appreciate you. I always say that. I know, I know. I don't know why you always say I'm being honest. I'm usually a big liar.

Normally I'm a liar, all right. But today I'll be honest.

It's more like me being like, wow, am I going to say this? Okay, I guess I'll be honest. No, like sometimes when we're on date nights, like, there's times where you. We hit trigger points with one another, and when you're not drinking, we don't allow those trigger points to escalate. It's just like, whatever. But I swear, when you're drinking, even if you've only had like one or two glasses of whatever, it still is just enough to where you like that you let those triggers kind of take hold of you. And sometimes like, like, you'll. It'll spark a little bit of an argument or a fight and then which. I mean, we'll do that when we're not drinking too, but I just notice it's less. You don't get as triggered. That's what I'm trying to say. You don't get as triggered so quickly. I guess I would say over something. And I don't say, when I'm not drinking, I probably don't throw jabs at you. You know what I mean? So.

So you delete when you drink, you throw jabs. And when I drink, I take your jabs and throw them back.

It just takes off just enough of the filter. And I think that when you're in a relationship, it's good to have a filter. And maybe we can talk about that in our topic today.

Oh, that's weird.

Communication segue.

Look out for the segue. All right, so listen, if you're here for the very first time, beside the show, this entire show has actually been built to support the men of Wake Up Warrior and the women inside the world of DKW styling, Big money size. In all of the south, around the country that we are currently training, this show is built to kind of paint the game of the warriors way being played out in a relationship. So up until this podcast, no one had actually heard from my wife more than about four or five times from stage. And so most of the opinion of living the warriors way and having it all across body being balanced business, which by the Way. If you are a man and you have not checked this out and you'd like to know more about the warriors way, head on over to warriorbook.com where we'll give you a short movie and an opportunity to pick up the book, as well as to get some ideas and insight around that. So we are talking about it as a couple, though, and our conversation switches from the following. We go, week number one, we talk about sex. Week number two, we talk about money. Week number three, we talk about parenting. And here we are in week number four. And then we just keep repeating these, but we're on the topic of.

What's your favorite topic?

Communication. Sex.

Are you really? I thought it would have been communication and sex.

It's probably the communication of sex.

All right.

And I've been. I've went through some gum. Some gum surgery last week, and.

Oh, is it still puffy? Let me see. Look at me. It looks better. It like. It's weird. It, like, looks like you got filler on only one side.

Does my face look different on that side?

Yeah, it, like, smoothed out your lines.

Really?

Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

But then it's like, this side looks sad. Like, this side looks.

My right side looks sad.

This side looks unhappy. But it's like. But there's, like, less lines.

Shit. So my right side of my face looks. You're the third person to say that.

Yeah, it looks sad.

But my face looks sad on the right side.

Yeah, but there's less, like, wrinkles. Like, it puffed up the lines a little bit. You know, it's like you had filler, but it made you sad.

My face is still sad. Well, they did put a big chunk of. It's right here, though.

I know, but does it look like it.

Does it look like bigger over here?

Turn. It's more plump in here.

It's more plump instead of, like, concave again.

Yeah. Cause you're normally, like, very. If you're listening, you're like, what is that?

Yeah. So I look like a guy who didn't have enough money to finish both sides of his plastic surgery, then.

That's not that bad.

Oh, my goodness.

No, it's not that bad.

No, it's bad.

It was worse. It's actually pretty normal.

Let's see if I give you a.

Little bit of a. Just put the mic on that side.

Yeah, well, they put it. This is all gonna go down. The swelling's gone down in my face. Supposed to go down in my mouth. They're prepping me for a bunch of dental work. That's a topic for another video.

Yeah, that's a long story there.

All right, so let's talk about communication. And we're gonna introduce the conversation of communication with this idea of drinking. Because I don't think that you and I actually were very good communicators about what we actually wanted. I think we were good at talking, but there became a time where we ultimately couldn't talk to each other really well about anything without fights exploding. We've talked about this in past episodes. So let's talk about alcohol. And.

Well, it's hard sometimes how we've used.

Alcohol to actually become more connected. Because we did.

Well, no, but I was gonna say sometimes it's hard to have a deep conversation. We could always have communication and a conversation.

True.

But it's like we were in these. We're in a space where when we would try to take it deep, then it's like, rah. But then it's like we both wanted to, because we were like, we're not gonna sit here and have these surface conversations. You know what I mean? So I think we were. We'd want to, like, take it deeper and discuss topics and issues and just take our communication to another level. But then we'd get, like, triggered easy and this and that. So I don't know if drinking really helped us communicate.

I think it did.

Okay, you can paint.

Okay, let me paint what I think happened. Here's my experience. What happened? We've gotten to such a place with triggers with each other that we didn't really know how to have communication with each other anymore at a deep level. And anytime we did do it, it would turn into a huge fight. So this weird thing would happen. And one of the topics was sex. The other one was just, like, us being together as a couple. And things would come up and we would. We couldn't even. We either would avoid them and not talk about them at all, or if we did talk about them, they turned into a huge war. So two things started connecting us as a couple. One, the ability to talk about something else besides us, which was business. We'll talk about that in a second. Second piece was. Is that alcohol? Which neither one of us were drinking when we first got married. Well, a little bit when we first got together, but now we weren't drinking when we got married. Right. And so alcohol was never really part of our relationship until probably the last, like, six years or so. And then inside of that, though, alcohol gave us a chance to be able to start talking about things at a different level than we had been able to talk about them. Like, we were stuck about that. I don't. I'm not saying, like, you need alcohol to be able to find the conversation, but the ultimate game here is being able to find.

Well, you think about it in, like, a social. A social situation, there's a lot of people that they don't. They're not naturally, like, they're not naturally open or social. And if you, like, think about it, if you go to a party, most people. There's a lot of people who don't even want to go to a party without, like, a drink or two in them, right? Because then they just, like, they just don't care. They don't want to communicate. They're not open to communicating. They don't want to be social. And so it's like. It's almost like it takes the edge off, which, I mean, obviously, if you drink, you know that. And so there was times probably in our relationship where maybe we were like, grrr. But we, like, we. We knew that being consistent with date nights was a good thing, and it probably took the edge off for both of us, so maybe we could just chill out. You know what I mean?

I think. I think it did. Like, actually. I know it did. I know it took the edge off for us, like, particularly around, like, the topic of sex. Like, you realize I started dragging this for a while. Like, I know that, like, our ability to communicate about the topic of sex was a very difficult conversation. It was also difficult for us to talk. Just anything that had emotion around it we didn't seem to be able to talk about. But here was a crazy dynamic.

I honestly can't remember. I can't really remember. I can't really say if it helped her, if it didn't. From my experience, to be honest.

Okay, well, I can from mine.

Okay, well, keep going with it.

So what do you think from yours then? Didn't help at all?

I don't know if I would say it helped.

Do you think it helped you open up sexually?

Oh, it helps any girl open up sexually. A few drinks and you're like, whatever. Which way? How high? That's great.

Oh, there's a chain smoker again. Oh, man. Get rid of this cold. That'd be nice. All right, so here's a piece from my side, though. Alcohol actually created for me and Danielle the opportunity to experience sexuality with each other, even though we were already arguing and fighting about a ton of other shit. So for whatever reason, it would shut us down. And that part of the world would shut down for us for a time, and we could connect. And this was a part of what kept us going. Date night also became a time where we talked about being. Oh, now you have an opinion? Well, no. Okay, good.

I think that go with this.

I'm excited to see what Jack say. The coffee's kicking in.

No, no, no. I was, like, thinking we. If we're talking about specifically with drinking, like, we didn't really drink at home. It was more like a treat because we both, like, worked a ton. And so it was almost like we'd go on a date night, like, probably once, sometimes twice a week, but usually at least once. And it was almost like a treat where we could both just, like, escape reality and be like, ugh, and then. And just relax. And like I said, we didn't drink at home, and it was just kind of like we could be either silly together. Sometimes we'd fight. You know, it just makes you more open. So there was a level of, like, kind of connecting a little bit. I could see now, like, when I think about, like, it was just kind of like you're just like, oh, relaxing for the week.

You know, it takes a whole level. It took an edge off it for.

Us as a couple, but it gets to the point where you want to be like, well, we don't want to have to drink to, like, be around one another. You know what I mean? Is that where you're going with this?

I like how you're. I like how you're seeing this segue on this. So this is going to be a challenging conversation for some of you may be listening to the show that don't drink, and you're like, well, so you're telling me the solution is to go drink? I'm saying, listen, the solution for us was to go drink. I'm not saying what the solution is for you. At the end of the day, what we're really talking about is being able to get to a place where you can have conversation, right? So, like, if one thing triggers you about your spouse, it's hard to talk about anything else. Like, particularly if the thing that you're triggered about is something that's really, really important to you. And so being able to communicate about that. We didn't have the skill sets to be able to do that. Like, we couldn't stay. Like, the minute things got spicy, one of us would shut down. Either I would blow up or Danielle would disappear. Like, this was kind of our pattern, at least from my experience. You feel like you disappeared. Like, you Just wouldn't even. You wouldn't even argue or debate or even get into the conversation.

I don't think that has anything to do with drinking. That's just kind of my.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying. Okay, so I'm saying without the alcohol, that's what we do. I would blow up, and you would go into, like, disappear mode.

I go into, like, he's out of his mind. I'll wait till he collects himself, and then we'll revisit this conversation, which then.

Would make me even more angry because we weren't getting to talk it through. But then I would go into this, like, guilt and shame loop. Like, it was weird for me. Like, I would go. I would get super angry, and then I would get super, like, blamey about Danielle, and then I would get super guilty for blaming Danielle, and then I would feel super shameful for having been blaming Danielle and feeling all the guilt. And then I would find myself in this desperate place, which was horribly unattractive to Daniel, Danielle, and made me feel very, very small and feel very, very weak. And this loop would just continue with me. I would get angry. I would blame Danielle. I would feel guilty because I was blaming and yelling and screaming at Danielle. And then I would get. Feel shameful, like, I'm a horrible fucking husband. I'm a horrible fucking father. I'm a horrible fucking man. And I would find myself in this pit again. And the only way that I knew to get out of this was to sedate. Like, there was to use alcohol at a certain level, to turn. I don't know, to shut the guilt and shame off so that I could actually have a conversation with Danielle. Because I had run this loop, if you imagine it, like a cul de sac. I had run this cul de sac so many times. So many times. So many times. I had created a very deep rut, and it was hard for me to get out of this rut. Did you notice? Does this rut, as I'm explaining it, does this make sense to you? Did you see this in me? Just get angry, blame you, feel guilty, get shameful, buy you flowers. Is this why you hate flowers?

I don't hate flowers. I like flowers.

You told me you hate flowers.

Oh, my God. You always make up stories.

I brought you flowers a lot, and then you said it was too many flowers, and you said, don't get any flowers.

Garretts all are nothing. So, like, there's this cute flower store called Brown's by my salon. They have super, like, extravagant bouquets they're really pretty.

Very nice.

Very nice. Probably like, 150 $200 bouquets. Like, they're that nice. Big ones. Yeah, the big ones.

Not all of them, but the big ones.

No, but the big ones. So he'd come in, he'd bring me, like, this extravagant thing. I'm like, oh, my God, thank you. And people like, it's a true anniversary, and I actually don't like a ton of attention. I feel like. I don't know, maybe if you don't know me that well, you don't like.

A ton of attention. In person.

Yeah, in person. In person, I don't really care any other. I'm cool to be on camera or whatever, but, like, in person, I'm like, rah. So anyway.

Got it.

I'd have this extravagant thing, and people would come up all day, like, is it your birthday? Is your anniversary? Oh, he's so cute. He's so cute. And I'm like, yeah, it's so great. And then. And it was great. And. And I felt loved. And then it would, like, two days later.

Did you really feel loved?

Yeah, I was like, oh, that was nice.

You didn't really sound like you felt loved.

Because I don't like attention that much, but I. But I was like, that was nice of him. But if it were me, I'm more subtle. Like, I would have just brought me, like, a small $50 bouquet. I've been like, oh, that's so cute. Like, I just like subtleties. And so, Garrett, yourself. It's very. Yeah, I buy my flowers. Sell flowers all the time.

Okay. All right.

And so Garrett is very extravagant. So I had, like, this palm tree in my size, like, ah. So anyway. But that's just how he does things, so I didn't want to be, like, a total jerk and be like, oh, my God. But so anyway, I'd be like, thank you. And I was super appreciative, but it was big. So anyways, then he'd come back two days later, and he'd bring another palm tree.

I did, and I hit. I mean, the whole salon was filled with.

And everyone was like, what did you. Then they started asking the greatest man.

No.

Then they started to ask, are you guys okay? Are you doing okay? Because then they were like, are you in a fight? Did some. Did you have a loss? Like, is.

You know?

And then I was like, nope. He just so darn cute.

Just so darn cute. Keeps bringing me palm trees. So. No.

So that's just kind of how Garrett operates. It's like, all or nothing. So I was like, oh, like, that's just how he operates. But I liked flowers. Like, I even buy myself flowers a lot. Like, what girl doesn't like flowers?

I don't know. You don't like roses?

I. No, I like roses.

You told me you don't like roses.

Because there was like, okay, listen, that's.

Why I never get your roses.

This is another story. This is another story. But when we were first married and it was like Valentine's or something or whatever, some occasion, and you'd go to buy me flowers, it was always an afterthought. And you'd go to the grocery store and buy the cheap roses. Not to say they were cheap, you probably actually paid way too much. But they were like grocery store roses. And they're like either cheesy wrapped, ladies, you know what I'm talking about. They're either cheesy wrapped in too many bows and flowers and hearts and balloons coming off them with a teddy bear on top, or they're just in ugly plastic thing. So I'm very much about presentation and not last minute thinking. And so for years he would bring me those and I just was like, I'm over the afterthought. And that's how I thought of it. And so it went from teddy bears to palm trees. But it was a step somewhere. It was a step.

Teddy bears to palm trees.

But no, it was. I do like flowers. I would be. If you randomly brought me flowers, I'd still like it.

You would?

Yeah.

What if I brought you, like, flowers four times a week?

No, that's too much.

Too much. All right.

No teddy bears.

No teddy bears. Okay, listen, so let's come back here on this topic and where I'm kind of seeing this going. And we're going to continue to bring the conversation around. So here's what I started seeing with Danielle, though, is I had to in the loop, right? I had to in the loop. At the time, I didn't have any tools available to me. I didn't have tools like the warriors way. I didn't have tools like the stack. I didn't have anything to try to support me in this. And so we started drinking on date nights. And then we started. Then I started. We would drink on vacations. And then I started taking that further. I started drinking, like, a lot, like all the time. Not a lot in the sense of, like, I was drunk. I just would have a drink and I started having a drink because I started getting this positive habit loop in play for Me, which was that when I was drinking, we were able to have better conversation, and communication was really important to me, probably at the top of my list, even above sex. And being able to communicate with my life seemed to happen better when we were drinking.

Do you think you just got in the habit of doing it?

Of course. That's why I just said I got in the habit loop.

Yeah.

Yeah. So we got in the habit of doing it.

So you are a routine person.

Yeah, I'm addicted to everything.

Yeah.

Whatever it is, whatever the routine is, I get addicted to it quickly. And inside of that place, you and I started having better communication. But there was, like, the downside of the communication. But there had been downside of the communication before, too, which was we couldn't talk.

I felt like it was fun when it was just, like, a treat and it was date night and not saying we'd have to get, like, drunk every time. Just like, having. For me, it was, like, two drinks. I was like, oh, this is fun. Like, for me, I know my limit, and I don't like being hungover. And so I'm just like, anything after three is, like, no good for me. So anyways. But it was, like, sometimes it was just, like, a treat, and it was fun, and sometimes you drink more, sometimes you drink less. And then when it became, like, a dependency, it was like, I think this might be a problem. And even I caught myself of, like, being a big wino. Like, I'd, like, come home, be like, oh, it's just a glass of wine with dinner every night. It's totally normal. But the thing is, sometimes one glass turns into 2 and 3. And then I'm like, jesus, I don't really want to be that person drinking a glass of wine every night, one to two glasses of wine. And so I kind of was like, ugh, I don't. I'm kind of. I'm just kind of over it. And then we shared a little bit on our last week's podcast how I had actually miscarried. And when I found out I was pregnant, I was. I was only about nine weeks, but, you know, for that period of time, I was like, okay, I'm not drinking anymore. And this is when I noticed certain patterns and behaviors with Garrett, because I wasn't drinking, and immediately I could tell when he just had, like, one or two drinks, and I didn't see him drink it. So I'm thinking, like, when did he have a drink? And I. And that's. There were some certain actions that he was doing, and I was like, I saw myself in him, and I was like, oh, my God. I think it might have been a problem. And so what served us at one point had I had a, like, clear realization, like, this is no longer serving either of us. And we actually got into. There was one night specifically that. Can I share this story?

Of course. Go ahead.

There was one night specifically where I heard Garrett kind of, like, getting mad at her oldest daughter. And I went up there, and I'm like, what are you doing? And I could tell. I didn't see him have a drink, but I could tell. I could tell that he had a drink because he was less patient with her. And she's. She's a lot like Garrett, so she flies off the handle easy. And she's just, like, up. And she's a little bit more, like.

I'm more circus.

Yeah. I'm a little more, like, chill. Like, even kill. And Garrett and my oldest daughter, they show their emotions a lot more. Not to say that I don't feel those emotions, but I just don't think I should. I show them as much. So anyways, one night, I go up, and he was kind of have. They were kind of at each other a little bit, and I just was like, what are you doing? Get out of here. And I. And I was like, oh. And I was like, I think he's had a drink. And I'm like, but I didn't see him drinking. And so then I went in, and I was like. I didn't want to say, oh, you're drunk, whatever, and, like, accuse him of anything. And I just walked in, and I said, don't yell at her like that. I said, are you. I can't remember what I said, but I just assumed you were drinking. And I got mad.

You want me. Do I say what you said? Well, you ever talk to my daughter that way again, I'll punch you in the face.

Oh, okay. There you go.

So I appreciate that she was. I appreciate that she was attempting to make that nice and sweet.

There was something, though, that you said right before that really triggered me, and I was like, why are you in her face like that? She's 10. You're a grown adult. Because they were, like, yelling at each other, but he's a big guy. And I was like, she's. She. Or she's 11. I'm like, get out of her face. And it pissed me off. And I was like, no, that's not okay.

Mama bear came out.

Oh, yeah. I was gonna punch you in the face, I guess.

Are you trying to be sweet about it right now?

Yeah, I will. Cause after I said it, you're all, oh, really? You're so.

You're.

Let me get this straight. You're getting mad at me, but you're gonna act with violence and punch you in the face. And then I punched me in the face. And I remember I was like, okay, shh. I'm not gonna punch you in the face, obviously, but don't. I was like, I can't remember what I said after that. I was like, but get out of her face. I don't know if you're drinking, like, what's going on? But, like, you shouldn't be getting in her face like that.

I had been drinking.

I know. I could tell you had. That's what I said.

I like that.

That's why I saw you. And I was like, 15 days of no alcohol. Well, not so. But I think that I. You. I don't know if that. What triggered you to, like, stop or what.

And I was like, it was out.

The night before on date night. We'd had a trip.

Now let's talk about that one. We might as well. I'm under the bus already. Might as well just continue to. Let's just reverse the bus back over. Garrett.

The date night before that, we had gone on a date. So Garrett had had a few drinks. I was actually pregnant at the time, so I think I had, like, a few sips of wine is all. You know, obviously, you're not supposed to drink when you're pregnant. But I remember thinking, well, I was still pregnant. Right. I was pregnant. But I don't.

You hadn't miscarried yet.

Yeah, but I think. I don't. I don't. You were drinking, and I had only had, like, a couple sips of wine.

Yep.

And I remember I said something about work, and it triggered him, and then he, like, starts this fight, and I was like. Again, I could see, like, I'm like, oh. I was just thinking, like, he's just. He's just drunk or he's buzzed. I don't know. Like, I'm like, I'm not gonna have this conversation. And then the next night, I saw it again, and I was like, what the hell? And it was weird because, like, I said, I hadn't been drinking, and I didn't really recognize it as a problem till I, like, saw pattern behaviors. And I was like, okay, let's be done with this. And I had seen, in my experience. I was like. Of not drinking. I was like, wow, it's Weird. Like, even cutting out, like, say, there was nights I was just having, like, a glass of wine. I still didn't realize how much you wake up and you feel dehydrated and you kind of have a headache and you're not, like, hungover, but you don't feel, like, on point. And cutting it out was kind of like, oh, like, I feel more productive. I feel more clear. I feel more patient. I feel more loving. And so, not to say that it didn't serve us at some point, but to realize, like, okay, too far. Reel it in is kind of where I feel like we've gotten. But again, it opened up a segue where we could have hard conversations and we could communicate. Now we can get on this podcast and we can, like, talk to each other and communicate and share things with you guys and learn a lot about each other as we're doing this. Whereas before, I don't know, but we can never.

We could have never had these conversations. I mean, we're not drunk right now. We're not drinking right now having these. You're having coffee and water in a cough drop. Because I sound like a chain smoker over here. But, like, these conversations couldn't have happened and wouldn't have happened if we hadn't gone down a path of actually finding a way to be able to tell the truth to each other in a calm conversation. Now, could you do this without alcohol? I am confident that you can. I just don't know how we would have done it any other way, because that's the way we did it, which is we just started using alcohol as a tool, not as an addiction. The way some people may look at it as a dark, deep, evil thing. This is what's so comical to me about human beings, is that we'll look at the paths that we took to get where we are, and we want to shame and blame and make wrong all the things we did that made us who we are. Like, the fact of the matter is, everything that my wife and I have done in our relationship and who we are as a couple has led us to be who we are today. And as a couple, guess how I feel about us right now. I feel pretty damn good about us.

That's good. You seemed a little spicy when I showed up this morning.

Well, you were late.

You weren't ready.

I was ready.

Were you ready?

You were late.

I was one minute late.

Two minutes late.

That's really on time for me.

And unprepared.

No, I'm.

Were you unprepared?

I Wasn't prepared.

Admit it. You weren't prepared. I know you weren't prepared.

How would I be prepared? I'm here. I'm always prepared.

You're here. I know you're prepared when you show up, but you weren't prepared for the show. Were you prepared?

You know what? It's so funny. You go, I show up. I have my kids with me. Cause it's spring break. And I'm like, kay, I got McDonald's on the way for you guys. Clearly, I got my coffee. And I'm like, you guys, just. Just be quiet. Kay. Like, color on the. He has whiteboards here. I'm like, color on the whiteboards. Or, like, just be quiet. And our kids are a little older, and I'm like, they'll be fine. And Karen's all, can you ever be on time and not have a circus with you? And I was like, I. That. I do not. I'm very calm, collected, and was like, hey, two minutes late, kids. McDonald's on the way. Prepared, ready. Check for mom. Check for being on time.

Which was really just me being irritated by the fact that I have a very long day and all of my schedule. And I knew that, and I had to move for this show to be recorded.

Everything got out and, like, kind of.

Trying to do your sexy 60.

I just smile. I just smile, like, oh, you're fine. And then he. It, like, melts him. He's like, why are you walking sexy like that? You're so easy.

It's such. I don't know why I see if I. I wish the guys had this kind of. This kind of power over the ladies.

You know what, ladies? You should try it. Like, if you're this kind of power over the ladies, if you're in a good mood and your husband's in a bad mood, don't let him bring you down to that level. Make him, like, laugh a little bit. Like, I'll notice when Garrett's, like, irritated at something. Like, they're so easy. Like, go. Like, just kiss his ear a little bit. Smile. Just kind of rub up against him. They can't help it. Like, whatever they're pissed about, they're like.

Because the blood starts to leave our part of the brain where you're staying angry, and it moves to your penis. And so, like, as it starts to head down to the midsection, like, you forget what you're angry about.

You're like, yeah, exactly. And it's that easy. So, ladies, that's my tip of the show for you today. If you're in a good mood and your husband's like, irritated, understand it's probably not about you. Just give him a little smile and see what happens. And then it'll probably. Everybody has a better day.

Does this strategy work both ways? Like, if you're having a bad day, can I just walk sexy through the room? Does this ever work?

Let me think.

I mean, I don't ever deliberately think, hey, I should walk sexy. I just think I pretty much walk sexy.

Yeah, because if you walk sexy, that's the thing. If Garrett tried to walk sexy, he'd be like, dun, dun, dun. It'd be like weird sexy. Like, it'd be like trying sexy.

Whereas, like, I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. So sexy.

It's not like I did a sexy walk. I just kind of, like, was like smiling and just kind of, you know, a little rub on the, you know. You know, it's not like I'm doing like a you can't. No. If you tried to walk sexy look, it would look weird. But if you were dressed cute, there are times when, like, you come out and you're like, did your hair, you smell good, you shave. Like, I love a good shave. Like, you're all dressed cute, you don't say anything, but you look really hot and you come out and I'm like, oh, oh. And it's like a little distracting. You know what I mean?

I'm like, so that would be the trick if you were in a bad mood, is just a dress to the nines shave?

No, not even to the nines. Like, I just. I even like you in like a fitted tee. Like, that's. That's super sexy to me. It's almost like you try, but not that hard. That's the sexiest to me.

Is the black warrior polo sexy to you?

No, it's garbage.

The Lulu black pants, ABC anti ball crushing pants that go with it.

You know what is so good?

You're not a fan of these.

I either, like, like, I've worn these.

For like four straight years.

Here's what I like with men. Either like tee and jeans, like fitted tee and jeans, like just sexy, or you're like suited up. Like, but not like a black suit. There's nothing better than just like a really good fitting black suit. Like you have this like three piece suit and when you wear that, I'm like, yep, does it every time for me. Like that and a T shirt. Those are my two go to.

What does that do for you?

What does it communicate to me, I'm like, ooh, what do you feel? If I'm being honest, I'm like, ooh, powerful. And there's nothing sexier than a powerful man. Like, and when you're in a tea, it's like, effortlessly, like, you're just, like, not trying. Hot.

Effortlessly. Power.

No, that's. No, they're two different. Very. Two different feelings.

All right, so describe both the te.

The T is, like, sexy. I'm not trying that hard, but I'm kind of hot. And then the suit is like, I'm super powerful hot. Like, I own this shit. And both are very different sexy. And I'm sure it goes like that for girls. Like, you can be. I could be in, like, sweats and.

Like, in a ponytail.

In a ponytail. And Garrett's like, t shirt. You look so hot. And I'm like, I think I just woke up five minutes ago. I'm pretty. Did I brush my teeth? I think I did. And then I. Or I can be, like, really cute. Heels, like, dressed cute, ready to go. And he's like, oh, you look so hot. So it's like two different hots, though, right?

So what I'm hearing in that is we actually communicate through how we dress.

I don't know. I don't know why I thought of this. You talked about walking sexy.

Well, now think about this. Think about this. We have some friends in town from Europe, and they were making some comments, and we were sitting at a bounce house. Not a bounce house. The bounce around place for kids. What's it called? Like, the big trampoline place.

Bounce you or.

I don't know, bounce around. I don't know. It's a huge trampoline center for the kids. It's like 10 bucks, and for, like, an hour, they get to jump around on all the trampolines, play dodgeball, jump into the foam pits, and, like, the whole thing's like one giant warehouse of trampolines. They're not new. They've been everywhere for, like, I don't know, a long time. So I'm sitting there with him, though, and he's from. From London and then also spend some time in Utah and in a couple other places, like, just around. And he said, you know what's crazy about being in Orange County? I was like, what's that? He's like, even when you go to the bounce house, the women are, like, done to the nines. Handbags, like, dress, knives, hair's done, makeup's done. Everything's on point. He's like, you know, it's just not like that in London at all. And he's like. And, you know, pretty much everywhere I travel, it's not like that. He's like, it's a very different place here. Like, the women are like, always. Like, they're just tend to always be done up and on point and ready to go. And I was like, well, do you think that's good or bad? And he's like, well, that's how my wife is. I was like, I know. I was like, he's all just. It's just something I'm noticing. I'm not saying it's a good or a bad thing, but what I can say is that a lot of women do not exactly put in the effort. They look like frumpy Lulu moms all week. Yeah, talk to us about this frumpy lulu mom.

We're going there.

We're going there. Let's throw some women under the bus on this one. Because there are a lot of women who've gotten into the. I don't give a shit.

Is there frumpy house husbands?

There is. We're gonna talk about.

There's frumpy men in the same. We're at least the girl in her Lulu clothes. She, you know, she looks good under those Lulu clothes. Guys version of frumpy is like, oh, I put on an extra 30.

We're not gonna make it about the guys right now.

Well, I'm gonna Throwing the girls under the bus. I'm gonna throw the guys under the bus.

So you want me to. Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna switch this up. I'm gonna throw the girls under, and you're gonna throw the guys under. All right, ladies, let me start with you. All right, here's the deal.

How about you throw the guys and I throw the girls? Because I can.

That's where we were going. I was trying to. You were volleyballing back to me. I was.

I'll share my experience about the Lulu pants.

I'll throw all the married ladies. All the married ladies. All the married ladies under the bus.

You go, you think I look cute in Lulu pants, though, don't you?

Yeah, I do, actually.

You're always like, you're assurated if you.

Wore lulu pants every day, all day long.

I am a firm believer of, like, mascara and a brush to the hair and some lip gloss and, like, continue with this.

Talk about dressing to impress your man.

No, no, no, no, no. It's an energy. It's an energy.

All right, well, whatever. You want to call it, it's still dressing to impress your man, so off you go.

Because oftentimes I do wear Lulu pants, but I always make it look cute. I'm all about, like, dressing so that you feel on point.

So why is this important as a woman in marriage to be dressing like you feel on point?

I just think. I don't. I don't. I don't know. I just notice it makes me feel better. Like, if I'm out and about, and I just feel like I'm ready to go for the day. I don't. Like, there are days, I'm not gonna lie, where I didn't get ready, have no makeup on, hair isn't a pony, and I just feel like, ugh. And, like, all day, if I run into people, I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe I ran into that person. I look like I didn't shower. Not that I care, but I just.

Because you didn't shower. Ye.

Like, I just feel better if I, like, go home, shower, brush my hair, and I don't even wear that much makeup, but just, like, a little bit of, like, mascara, some gloss, like, concealer, out the door kind of thing. And, like, today, like, if you're watching this, I didn't really put a ton of effort into my look. It took me maybe 15 minutes, but it just made me feel like, okay, I showered for the day. I'm ready for the day. So I don't think there's anything wrong with Lulu, but I do see, like, there's a lot of women who that's, like, becomes, like, their outfit of the day. And I even went through a phase like that where, like, every day, I was in, like, a new Lulu outfit, and I'm like. And people be like, oh, are you just coming from the gym? I'm like, nope, this is just what I put on for the day. So I didn't. I was like, oh, maybe I'm putting off this energy of, like, I don't give a shit, or I didn't get ready, or I don't know. So I just was like, I'm gonna try this for a minute. I was like, instead of, like, just putting on my staple outfit, my mom outfit, I would call it. I'm like, I'm gonna just, like, throw on some jeans, some cute shoes, like, whatever. Just make it feel like I put myself together for the day, and I feel better doing it. I feel better. I feel like I honestly am like, oh, I have a more productive day, and I don't know, it works for me.

Let's be straight with this. There are a lot of women who don't dress up, except for one time on date night. And, you know, they hardly go on date night, which means they don't ever. But listen. No, we're throwing the ladies on.

Okay? But I was.

Because there are a lot of ladies.

I'm kind of dressy. I'm kind of dressy. Like, for me, when I go on a date night. Like, I like shopping, and I like looking cute, and people will be like, oh, you dressed up. You dressed up for tonight. You look really nice. Like, it's out of the norm. But for me, it is normal. Like, it. To me, it's not dressy. Like, I'm like, yeah, I always wear a dress on heels. Like, if I'm going on a date night, that's just how I am for me. Like, I to wear, like, a jeans and T shirt. Like, I'm wearing that right now. It's a Monday, you know? But I feel like that's for me because it's my new norm or it is not my new norm. I've always been that way. It's my norm to kind of get. I like everyone else.

Are you gonna actually throw ladies on the.

I'm, like, super girly. I don't know how I'm saying.

You're not throwing them under my. You're doing this nice. You took over the. I'm gonna throw the ladies under the bus. And then you lightly sat them under the bus.

You're a lady that's not washing your hair and putting on a little makeup and wearing Lulu every day. I think that would a husband be.

Like, ugh, all right, you're done. Give me control of this. All right, listen, ladies, I'm gonna talk to you right now. I am not telling you you have to dress up like a princess every single day, all day long. What I am telling you is, is that how you dress impacts the energy of what your husband sees when he comes home. If he comes home to the frumpy sweat lady. And it's constantly frumpy sweat lady and constant ponytails and frumpy sweats. Let me tell you what's going to happen. There's going to be lack of attraction. That man's going to go to porn, and he's going to end up jerking off and forgetting about you. I promise you it's not. If even if you're putting out, there is a mental stimulus that comes to a man who's married, and it's hard as shit as a married man to stay focused on your wife when all you get is frumpiness. Now add to that a woman who doesn't sexually put out and doesn't actually allow herself to be intimate because she feels like shit, because she dresses like shit. Now you've just accelerated the process and a man will end up down a path of going to porn and masturbating. Why? Because he has no other choice. Now, I literally trained tens of thousands of men. People may say to me, oh, you're exaggerating. You can only talk from your experience. No, actually I can talk from the experience of over 30,000 men. And I can tell you a vast majority of over 80% of those men from 27 different countries. Give us the facts to the following. The way you dress impacts the way your husband feels about you. Now I'm about to throw the men under the bus too, because my wife is not doing a good job of throwing anyone under the bus that I. Except for maybe throwing out some links to some new clothes for you to buy on top of this, the ladies have a problem. Look, you want to keep your man, you want your husband to be attracted to you, Guess what? You're gonna have to put a little more fucking effort into.

You know what? You go, it's flirting. That's what it is. Because I decided I like that I have that power. That's what it is. Like, I know if I get ready and I feel better and I can come in and you're angry today and I can be like, hun, rub me.

Such BS that you can just rub me and gain power.

No, I just think that it's like a flirtiness about you and so don't lose that flirt when you get married. Like, don't go into your sweats and be like, he loves me for who I am. He doesn't care if I wear makeup. I think a guy still likes if you kind of like play, play that game a little bit. So I think that I naturally, I enjoy that game. But maybe it's because I like the power of being like, that's cute that you like. I just know for me I can. It's like I just, I like being flirty. I feel like I have a little power in the relationship.

You know, you're actually strategic about this. There's like an actual deliberate strategy of communication with the way you dress.

But it's a win win. It's like you like it when I'm flirty and then I like it because I feel like I have a little bit of that power in the relationship, and it's win, win for everybody. So I would just say for women, like, based on what Garrett is saying, don't be afraid. Sometimes you have to play like you're dating a little bit. Get ready, look sexy, casual, and just flirt a little bit. Look at your man smile. There's little things you can do. Like, Garrett, when you're like, do you want me to do the sexy walk? I'm like, no, that's weird. But there's little things you can do that are kind of flirty, that I think that men enjoy, and it kind of like, takes their breath away a little bit. And you're like, shit, my wife. You know what I mean? I could be nuts.

So what is your end point on this? Play the game about dressing.

Oh, so dress to where you feel good.

And what about the ones who have lots of kids? We have young kids. And women are gonna take this wrong and be like, oh, I need to be dressed. He's an asshole. What are your thoughts?

Just put in, you guys, I honestly am super lazy. I don't put a lot of effort when I get ready. I honestly got ready in 15 minutes this morning. I washed my bangs. That took maybe two minutes. I blew out just my bangs, so it looked like everything was fresh. Threw on some mascara. Like, I'm not one to put in. Like, I actually hate getting ready, but I like feeling like I didn't just wake up or I just don't care. I like feeling like I care. So when I feel like I care and I put it in even that 15 minutes, I think that you probably noticed maybe I carry myself a little bit different. Maybe I tend to be more flirty. Like, I don't know. Like, that's just kind of how I feel.

There you go. Now we've got five more minutes. We've gotta end the show early today. And I'm gonna throw the men under the bus. Are you ready for me to throw the men under the bus? Would you like to take a chance to this? Because you've been horrible at throwing anyone under the bus.

I'm not really in, like, a throw.

Anyone under the bus. Yeah.

I'm just here for you.

There's special vanilla in that coffee.

There's special vanilla in life.

Well, I'm gonna throw the men under the bus. So, gentlemen, now it's time for you to get punched in the bus.

You be bad cop, I'll be good.

Now, I've been bad cop, bad cop the whole day. You Just be princess. All right, listen, gentlemen, here is the thing that I cannot understand. Cannot understand, cannot understand. So step one, you did not have babies, okay? So your body did not go to shit show for 18 to 24 months. The entire nine month buildup and the psychological game of carrying the children, then the actual birth, brother, this is like pushing a pumpkin out of your penis. Like, your recovery from this is not exactly simple and easy. You and I, we look at this pregnancy game and we watch it from afar. We don't really get it yet. If you just look at it from the biological side of it, it's called the complete destruction of your wife's body. Now, you look at this. After the baby, wife is now, the baby's attached to mom for at least six months, meaning, like horrifically attached to mom needs mom wants mom all day long, all night long, doesn't get sleep. Meanwhile, for the next year, Mom's trying to put her body back together as well as her sanity back together. And here is the part that is so ridiculous to me. A vast majority of the married men that I have ever met are in worse shape than their wives. I'm not saying all, but a lot.

Of them, like, I can't carry sympathy weight.

No, it's not even sympathy weight. It's bullshit weight. What I mean by this is men who let their bodies go and yet have never once had to carry the children. You haven't had to get pregnant. You haven't had to give birth. You hadn't had to push a pumpkin out of your penis. Like, there's no. You have literally no excuse. And you're like, well, I'm stressed out because of work and I'm stressed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not an excuse for you to let your body go. So now, here's the thing. It's hard. You want to get laid, you want to get connected. But what you're communicating to your wife, when you come out of the shower with the towel on, with your extra 30 to 40 pounds on, and your hairy back and your hairy chest, and you're not taking. There's nothing. Your wife, no matter what happens, is not turned on by this. You come walking around, the lights are all getting shut off, and there's no show happening. Why? Because you're not actually showing that you give a shit. This was literally a message to a guy. Last night I was talking, my wife's not on the same page. My wife's not on the same page. And I said, well, let's practice this. Let's pretend for a second that your body is a witness to your commitment to your wife. That what you've done with your body and how it looks is currently communicating more to your wife about your commitment to your marriage than anything you're trying to tell her. And he's sitting there quiet. No chat, just the bubbles, the bubble chat, the bubble chat, the bubble chat. Then he goes back and he said, go look yourself in the mirror. He goes and looks himself in the mirror. And I come back when you're done, you tell me what you see. And he said, it came back and he said, well, if I was looking at me, I wouldn't be turned on by me. I said, well, exactly. So what the fuck is the problem? How did you think that was going to happen? Your watch on, turned on. Now you. Yes, because your body, but more because your energy, because you don't feel powerful the way you look. Second piece with this is how you dress. Now, I was not a big fan of the dressing up thing. I'm a fan of dress easy, wear Nike, you know, Nike SBS tennis shoes or my Lulu pants and comfortable warrior polos, which I have on now, which I wear when I work. See?

And when I see you in this, I don't think sexy. I just think work.

That's because it is work mode. Now, date night, though, changed and I started putting on the jackets and I started wearing the suits and I went and got some custom tailored clothing and I got some nice T shirts that, like, fit me nicely. And I started becoming more conscious. And you have to admit, for the last year, I'm much more conscious about how I dress.

And I think you like it too.

I do like it.

Like before, when we'd go on date night, I would feel you would grab some ugly plaid shirt that you had for three years that I gave you for Christmas when we were first married. And I'm like, why? I thought I burned that. Where did you find it?

I pulled it out of the house.

But it was because he knew I didn't like it, like the black tee and the Lulu pants or whatever. So he was trying to put in effort and he'd throw on this ugly plaid shirt and I'd be like, I don't know what's worse. And so. But I noticed it was bad and it didn't fit correctly and all that. So I noticed when he would dress nice, he felt better. That's what I was trying to communicate when I was even talking about the ladies. Like, it's all about the energy you carry yourself in. And, like, he was dressing up before in a plaid shirt for me, but he didn't have the energy of like, yeah, I am sexy. You know what I mean? And when you would get dressed and get ready and get ready for date night, you'd come out with like, I look good. And I was like. And you wouldn't say it. And that's how women are. The same way. Like, women, you get all dressed, makeup's done, whatever, and you're like, I look good. And you exude that energy and that confidence. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Nope. All right, so we're gonna summarize this show. Cause I gotta roll. Got some shit to get done today. Final principles, then I want you to catch from today's show. Okay, we start off with the first piece. You've gotta get to a place in communication where you can actually talk about the truth. One of the things that we used as a couple was alcohol to support in that path. At a certain point, the alcohol no longer works, worked, and started actually doing the opposite. And so I, over the last 15 days, have stopped drinking and have had no alcohol in my system for almost over two weeks now. And it's actually starting to work out. We went for long periods of time with no alcohol in our marriage. For me, on my side, I don't care what she does, but on my side. And so alcohol became something. And there may be something else that you two as a couple can find. We know for sure that date nights are the place where that conversation and communication can exist the highest without any distractions. But being able to get there, you may need some tools, therapy. You may need alcohol. You may need something inside of that to be able to help you actually have real conversations. Second piece is the game of how you dress and the message that you're sending, verbally or non verbally, through the way you dress and the way you take care of your body. Those messages of energy towards your spouse are also sending a message to her or to him every single day. So your topic for this week during date night is to talk about. Talk about the following scenario. One, what is something you can start doing inside your relationship? For us, it was drinking years ago. What is something you could start doing in your relationship that would allow for you to actually not try to solve all your problems as a couple, but just be able to isolate and discuss one or two, There may be a different solution for you than what we're discussing here with the alcohol side. The flip side of this is what can you do? And the way that you currently present yourself to your partner physically and in the way you dress, that can start sending a message to your spouse, hey, listen, I actually care about myself. And side note, it's not about six packs and bikini bodies at the end of the day. It's not either of those. You've got to feel physically on point with your body and inside that. You've got to feel physically on point with how you package yourself.

I've seen people with six packs who are so completely in no confidence, and I'm like, what the hell? You're like a specimen. Like, but. And then their energy is off. Even though they look amazing and that's super unattractive. You're like, ugh. You know, so it can. I think what Garrett's saying. Like, you don't have to be like, we're not saying super shredded. And all this stuff, it's. It's all about the energy and what makes you feel confident.

So there you go. There's our two topics for this week. They're gonna wrap up this episode. This is episode, I think, number 13. It's episode number 13. We've done 13 episodes.

Yeah.

You feeling good about these 13 episodes?

Are you guys feeling good out there? I've been getting a lot of positive feedback. People are listening. They're liking it. We're just keeping it real. We're not like marriage counselors by any means, but we're sharing stories of what's worked for us and what hasn't and. And little things along the way. So hopefully you're enjoying being here with us. We know that it's a connecting piece for us to share, sit here and share with you guys on different topics. And so we hope that you get some value out of it and tell your friends.

Beautiful. And one last request we're going to make from you, since we give this show to you for free, is if you are getting value from this show, we would love the following if you could send us and fire us off and email@garretteupwarrior.com again. Garretakeupwarrior.com that's G A R R E T T@wakeupwarrior.com and send us some of your thoughts on why the show's been working for you. Also, some topics you might want to hear us discuss around the ideas of sex, money, parenting, and communication. We'll bring your topics up here on the next show. So fire me an email. Let me know either way. Hope you guys have a great week. We'll be back next week with our favorite topic on the quadrant, which is the topic of sex.