Childrearing is a Sh*t Show! | Date Your Wife | Ep 004

Well, hello there, my friends. Welcome to another episode here of date your wife, the podcast. You can check out all of the show notes, tips, and the video version of this show, as well as all the rest of the shows by heading over to dateyourwifenow.com. danielle, have you actually been to dateyourwifenow dot com? Have you checked this out at the site? Yeah, it's up. Have you been to this site?

No, this video's on. I've been posting it on my blog, DKW Stick, because I didn't know the blog was up.

Are you promoting dkwstyling.com? was that a blatant promotion?

That was like a casual.

Like that was a blatant promotion?

No, I felt like it was very casual.

Well, it was casual, but I'm blatantly promoting DKWStyling.com but you can head over personally over to DateYourWifeNow.com for all the show notes, tips, and tricks here for this show and also the video version. So if you're interested in watching how this works out with us, you might be listening to a show in itunes, in Google Play, Stitcher, or soundcloud. Well, now you can head over to the blog. You can also check it out there as well as get the show notes as well as some other cool tips and tricks here for each one of these episodes. Now, Danielle, we've been running the show. This is the fourth show.

Is it?

This is the fourth show. How do you feel about the fact this is the fourth show?

I mean, time flies. Good for us.

Time flies.

Time flies.

Four episodes. Are you feeling more like a professional already?

Are people liking it?

They are liking it. It's actually the number one podcast in family. Parenting.

In family and parenting.

Yeah. I don't know. Like, three categories were the number one. It could be the. The category could be underwater basket weaving, beautiful people. How do you feel? What if that was. What if that was actually the category?

No. No, no.

All right, well, if you're new to the show, let me give you a little rundown on what this is all about. Date your wife is a podcast that is driven for married couples and individuals wanting to be more connected in the marital relationship typically have kids. Maybe you don't. Maybe you do. Nonetheless, we're gonna talk about kids. Also. We're gonna talk about sex one week of the month. We're gonna talk about money one week of the month. We've already done those two. We also did the pilot, which kind of gave an overview of the show. We're gonna talk about parenting, which is our topic for today, and kids. And then we're gonna talk about communication, intimacy, and how that whole thing works out as a couple. And that'll be next week's show. But this week, we're gonna focus on parenting. But to understand parenting, we gotta go back.

You gotta. I think you have to be a parent to understand parenting.

Yeah. But I think the first time you.

Experience parenting is as a child, even. Yeah. And I think you don't have to have kids. You might want to have kids someday. So this might be a good podcast.

Okay, well, you were a kid, right? And you had a parent, and now you are a parent.

I just skipped kid life.

You skipped kid life. Straight from the womb, straight into the game. Now, sex. Obviously, my favorite topic of the show is what leads to this whole becoming a parent thing. So we're gonna answer some questions today.

I know. Give me the questions.

We're gonna answer some questions. But before we answer the questions, we're gonna go straight to Danielle's history. Dun, dun, dun, dun.

I always go to my history. What's with the history? Do we need a backstory?

This is the History Channel.

Do we need a backstory?

So, dateyourwifehistorynow.com, let's talk about when you.

Were a kid and you had your.

Paper route, and we will talk about why I had a paper route. That was a. I'm glad that you brought that up, because you didn't.

Does that have anything to do with parenting?

You were a lifeguard. You were a lifeguard.

Okay.

Were you a lifeguard? Yes or no?

Yeah.

Did you like being a lifeguard?

I was in it for the tan.

You were in it for the tan?

I didn't even think I could.

Did you ever save a person being a lifeguard?

No. But one time, I called another lifeguard over to save a person.

Oh, shit. This reminds me.

That was foreshadowing to my parenting skills. Maybe not.

All right, well, while we're on that topic, talk about your first time serving tables and hot chocolate bar.

That has nothing to do with parenting. Yeah, but it's like the lifeguard never served tables. Okay, give it to college. And I was working at a super cool restaurant called Sizzler.

Sizzler.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

And it is like a chuckarama steakhouse. If you don't know what a Sizzler is. And people stand there and they order their food and they sit down and you serve it. You don't even have to take their order. That's how easy it is. You literally just get their drink order.

Literally. The easiest serving job of all times. Even a monkey could do it, maybe.

That is so rude.

Well, even a caveman could do it, not a monkey. Let me take that back. Even a caveman could do it.

I disagree. I think that serving takes some customer service skills, which I apparently did not have. But you know what? The truth is, Garrett's friend came in, he asked, he ordered hot chocolate, and I was like, okay, I didn't realize you had to make the hot chocolate. So I brought him out a spoon, a nice cup. It was a nice mug.

I think it was clean.

And the hot and whatever mix it was. Yeah. And I told him to mix his own damn hot chocolate.

Was this because it was Matt or was this because, like, you weren't sure that you should have sex?

I think it was both. I think I was like. He was giving me shit, and I.

Was like, well, fuck you, Matt. Here you go.

I was like, whatever. And I didn't think about it, and I didn't care. It was like a combination. But that has nothing to do with parenting.

It has everything to do with parenting. It has everything to do with parenting. So we're gonna start off today's show with not only Danielle's lifeguard skills and server skills, but you're going to find out my paper route skills were significantly more improved than Danielle's lifeguarding and serving table skills. But here's the reality. All of us as adults became. In a certain version, our story about parenting began with how we were raised. So we're going to talk about a few things here. Ready? Okay. Discipline. Did your parents spank? Yes or no. Were they spankers, your parents?

They were threateners.

They were threateners. Talk to us about a threatener, because if you're listening to the show, you might be a threatening parent and not a spanker. What is a threatening parent do?

Lots of empty promises and threats, but zero follow through.

Okay, so give us an example.

So I got spanked one time. You did get spanked, I remember. Probably twice. But there was like one crucial moment. I remember I was probably pretty little, and my mom kept telling me to stop peeling off the wallpaper. And man, that wallpaper. I couldn't help it. I wanted to peel it.

It's cause you're a picker.

I don't know. But I was picking the wallpaper. And then I remember she was like, danielle, I told you. Told you you can't pick the wallpaper. And I remember her literally, like, bending me over her knee and, like, spanking my butt so hard, and I was like, I'll never pick the wallpaper again.

Did you pick the wallpaper again?

No. I think that you didn't ever pick it again. I think the spanking hurt enough to where I was like, she's. She means it.

She only needed one spanking.

Your whole life followed through. I can't fix the wallpaper anymore. Damn you, Mom.

Do you believe in spanking your children? Yes or no?

Not really.

No. Have you ever spanked our children?

Yeah, Little swats. I call them swats because what's a swat? I'm not. It's not like, I'm like. When I think of spankings back when, like, our parents are raising us, it literally was like, you got bent over the knee, your pants pulled down, and just freaking smacked.

Yes.

And like, now I'm like, I literally, like, I give my kids, like, little whops where, like, I just kind of pat them in the butt. Like a swat in the butt.

Like a tickle.

Like, get up to your room.

Like a little. Hehe.

They just paired it up? No, enough to where I'm like, they know I'm mad, but I'm not. Like, I don't think it would hurt, but I think sometimes they're dramatic. Be like, I think my butt is bleeding. I'm like, your butt is not bleeding. I barely tapped your butt. And it worked because now you're headed upstairs to your room.

And on a scale of 1 to 10, where would you put your spanking skills?

I don't really spank that often. Like I said, if I have, it's been like a little swat here or there. I'm like, get up there. I'm more of a yeller.

A yeller.

I don't know if that's effective.

Okay, cool. So we're going to come back to this penguin. I'm going to come to my side now.

Okay.

All right. So I was raised in a different game, which was spanking was the game. Now the truth is, I probably needed the spanking. If I was born into Danielle's family, it's been a troubling thing because I probably wouldn't have, like, I would have just steamrolled everyone. I was a habitual liar when I was a kid, and I was a habitual pick on my brothers and sisters. I was the oldest. I would pick on my brothers and sisters, who were four younger than me. And I drove my mother and my father insane with how much I lied and also how much bullshit I distributed to my Younger siblings, picking on them, being really mean to them, hurting them, etc. So at the top of the food chain, I did not get a simple little smack. I. I got the. I got a paddle. How you feel about that?

My parents would threaten me with a belt.

Did they ever hit you with a belt?

No, but I remember my dad taking out the belt and doing like nothing ever happened. Or they'd say, dad's gonna get the wooden spoon.

Dear dad. That's hardly threatening.

Your dad's such a big guy.

He's a fucking huge guy with his full time. I'm coming to you with this tiny wooden spoon.

He would come out with a wooden spoon. And I was like, that doesn't scare me at all.

All right, so your dad did. So my dad did the belt smack, too. If you're not familiar with the belt smack, you take the belt off, you fold it in two. Maybe you want to do this with your kids. I've not even thought of doing this with Bailey and Ruby. I should do this. I should do the belt. The belt intimidator, which is you don't actually hit. You just put the belt together. You fold it in half, and then you pull it apart so it's tight. And then you push it together so it bends like two little U shapes, like bell curves show up on the belt. And then you pull immediately back quickly, and it goes smack. I would do it, except for I forgot to wear a belt today.

I don't have a belt on.

No, we can't do the belt smack. All right, so I got spanked and I got hit with a paddle. Like, our paddle that I got spanked with had a wooden. It was a wooden paddle. It was like a racquetball paddle, only it was totally wooden.

Was it like a teacher? Like, remember in the old movies when they pull out the wood paddle in the old movies, they'd, like, paddle the kids.

Yeah, but it wasn't a straight paddle like that. It was more like a racket. It was like a racket I got spanked with. Huh. So. And the racket. I deserved the racket. The racket would go the following. My mom would get pissed off. Was it effective? Yeah, it was effective, at least for the moment.

I feel like you can't do that anymore with kids.

Well, I think you would get in trouble nowadays because parenting has become kind of an interesting thing, and kids are kind of. Kids are pussies now.

Oh, really? I don't think so.

Yeah, I think the kids are weak. I think the kids are Weak. At a certain level, children are weak.

Maybe we found a better, effective, more effective way to parent and we don't need to smack anymore.

It's true. But I still think there's some spanking.

Maybe people were taking it too far.

I am certain people were taking it too far. And now I think it's gone back the other direction. So we have this corporal game of discipline now. Your parents, did they ever sit down and talk to you about sex?

No.

Okay. Did they talk to you about like, God? Did you have a conversation with your dad about God? Your mom doubt God when you were growing up? Religion, God? Did this happen or no? Like, do you have real conversation? We sat down with your mom and dad and they said, hey, this is how God is.

I actually remember we got up every morning at like 5:30 for a while and we'd do scripture reading. And you Woke up at 5:30. My. My mom made us.

Are you serious? My mom woke us up. I think it.

Maybe it was only like a year. I don't know, it must have been seven.

And you were committed and you woke up?

No, I didn't. I was the littlest in the family, and I remember I was the only one that was allowed to sleep at the table while everybody else read scriptures. And I just. But I had to get up with the family. I was probably like five. But yeah, it was rough.

So you did the scripture? My mom did the scripture thing with us early too, before school. Every single time we. We would wake up, I had to do piano lessons early in the morning, which started me down this path of ultimately becoming a paperboy. So if you described your entire game here as a child being raised by your parents, how would you describe their parenting? If your parents parenting strategy was an animal. Hold on. If it was an animal, if your parents parenting strategy was an animal, what animal would it be?

A lizard.

A lizard? What kind of lizard?

I don't know. That was a dumb analogy.

It's not a dumb analogy. It's a dumb answer.

No, it was a dumb answer. And yeah, no, I.

Give me an animal.

I'm gonna go with knowing the animals.

Knowing the animals. I'm gonna say that in my house. It was a rhino. Rhino was my family discipline.

I was gonna go with a lion for your family.

Lion could be a lion. What about yours? Still a lizard. Lizard and lions, that's how we came together. You were a lizard. I'm a lion. Pony. All right, we're dying on this one.

This is not working out.

Okay, so what would you say? Worked best about your parenting strategy with your parents.

Here's what I remember growing up.

Okay, go ahead.

I remember not having a ton of discipline. However, I was the end of. I was number five out of six kids in my family. And so I just have this theory that, like, after that many kids, my parents were like, peace. Like, we were retired. For yourself. I don't know. I really don't know. But all I can say is, like, I feel like I turned out pretty good, so.

I feel like you turned out.

No, no, no. My parents didn't have a ton of follow through. They didn't have a ton of discipline. But I felt like I was always a pretty good kid. Like, I didn't do anything, like, crazy. But you know what's so funny? I always say that I think I was a good kid. And then it was like, your mom disagrees with me. I know. At Christmas time, my parents, we were like, which two kids were the worst? And she's like, Nate and Danielle. And I was like, oh, I was definitely the best. What?

Yeah.

So I was kind of shocked. I think I was stubborn, but maybe. I don't know. But my story is, growing up, there wasn't a lot of follow through growing up, if there was any discipline. I just didn't like to be disciplined. I didn't like to be put in a box. I would. Like, I didn't. Like, I wasn't a good listener, but I don't feel like I was crazy.

Like, I. I want you to share the car story.

Okay. That was.

You need to go to the car story. This is how against, like, being told what to do. My wife is tell her. Tell them the car story about you being grounded.

No, my. Okay, so.

Okay, go. Off you go.

Okay. My dad told me if I made my bed for a whole year, I could have my mom's old Jeep Grand Cherokee. I did it for a whole year. And then he's like, no, you can't have the car. And then my mom's like, yes, Dave, she can have the car. It's fine. I think my mom just didn't want to drive me around anymore.

Did you really make the bed for an entire year?

I swear to God I did.

Every day.

Every day. Cause I was like, I want a car. I want a car. And my brother got a brand new Jeep wrangler and all he had to do was get good grades for one semester. And I was like, well, my dad falls through because your brother was a delay on that. And so if I make my bed for a Year, they'll definitely follow through. And then my dad was like, no. I was like, oh my God. So anyway, I get my mom's car. And in high school, that was my car. It was a nice car, but I can't remember.

It's an amazing car.

No, it was nice.

A Grand Ju Cherokee.

Has a car back there. Yeah, it was nice. I was just pissed cause my brother got a new one. But anyway, so I had this car. And my dad was trying to punish me. And he told me. He. He told me I couldn't have my car. And I was like, okay, how am I gonna get to school? And he's like, well, you'll need to walk or find a ride. And I was like, I'm not gonna do that. And he's like, well, you'll figure it out. Well, that was the wrong thing to say to me. So I go find the keys, and sure enough, I take my car to school. And he's like, what the hell? How'd you find the keys? And I'm like, well, dad, you, like, hid them in your closet. That wasn't that hard to find. So then next day, I'm like, cool, go to find my keys. Find my keys again. Go to go out in my car. There is a club on my car. Like, do you know what a club is?

I know what a club is. They put the thing on your steering wheel, lock it down so you can't steer.

The car locks the steering wheel.

Yeah, so you can't steal it.

I was like, what is he doing? And so then I found the hiding spot with the club key, took the car to school. By then he was pretty dang pissed. So I go to get my car. The next day, it won't even turn on. He's taken the battery out. That doesn't slow me down. Instead of calling a friend to get a ride to school, I called a friend to take me to autozone to pick up a new battery. We took the battery back to the car, I put it in my car backwards and blew every fuse in my car. So then my dad thought that was funny. So I decided to show him again. And I. I guess I'm like, stubborn and committed.

You're building evidence for being the worst.

So then I got out the book for the Jeep Grand Cherokee and I read on, like, what fuses are broken and how to fix it. And like, then they didn't have YouTube. So I'm like calling car dealerships and guys that I know and I'm figuring out what fuses I need to order from the dealership. I figured out I ordered the fuses. I need. I. I fix my car. I fix the fuses. I fix the. Yes, I do.

You fix the car, by the way.

I fix the car. So then my dad is so livid, the next day I take my car to school, fixed and all, and I go out to get in my car after school with all my friends, and my car is gone. I was like, my car is gone. I have the keys, and my car is gone. My dad came to my school, took the car to his job site. I went to his job site, picked up my car and took it back home. And he was just like, I can't win with her. Like, she. And I was like, don't take away my car. But I. Obviously, that wasn't a very good punishment. Maybe.

It wasn't a good punishment. It sounds like to me you had a father who was trying not to spank your ass. He was out there doing the belt thing, but you were not hearing it. You were not listening.

I was normally a really good kid. That was probably the worst. Like. Like discipline, experience, Kind of like, you were the best.

You were the easiest kid, according to you.

I feel like you should rate it on how your kid turns out.

Oh, well done. I like how you played that one. Okay, so I'm gonna ask you question number one today. We're gonna go through four questions. You ready for question number one? Out of the four questions, all of this was just foreplay to get us to where we are. Are you warmed up now? You foreplayed out?

I'm ready.

You ready to go for the big orgasm? Ready to go for the climax?

Okay. Not sex week, Garrett.

Ah, well, you know, I make it that way either way. All right, so here's the question we're going to start off with. First question of the day is, why the hell did we have children? So I'm going to come to you first, since you are the one who actually has. Okay. You did. Why talk to me about this?

I just. I don't know. I just. I don't know. I was like the girl in high school. Even my friends. Do you want kids? Do you want kids? And I always wanted the most. I was like, I think I'll take seven. And there were like, seven kids. I was like, yeah, that sounds fun. I don't know. I don't know. I wasn't really like a. I wouldn't say I'm like a baby hungry person. In fact, I mostly just like my kids, But I always wanted like, kids. Like, I don't. I know there's some people that are like, I don't want kids. And they warm up to it. I always wanted to be a mom.

Do you think that had influence with the fact that you were raised in Mormon culture, being around kids? And maybe your mom had. Because your mom had six kids total?

Yeah, probably. I think I looked at it as, like, oh, the cute fairy tale. Like, this is what you do. This is how you do it. But no, I think. I mean, I think part of that was the reason. But I definitely, in my heart, like, genuinely was like, I want some little. Little kiddos running around.

It's getting really cold in this video. Are you okay?

My nose is running.

Yeah, I know. I noticed that. So here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna keep going down. This. Give me some more reasons. I'm gonna go adjust the temperature real quick.

I'm not bad. No, leave it. It's fine.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Literally, I felt you sniffle. We keep it super cold in the studio.

I'd rather have it cold than hot.

Okay, well, there we go. All right, so this. Why the hell did you have parents or have to have parents? Why the hell did you have parents? Question number one. Why the hell did you have children? This is a question I want you to ask yourself, right? And this question really goes two ways. Like, why the hell did your parents choose to have you? And at the same token, why are you choosing to have children? Like, what's going on inside of this conversation? Like, I've never actually, until right now, asking this question, ever settled down to even consider why. Would you like to know why I had children?

You didn't want kids.

I always wanted kids.

Oh, I feel like. Yeah, I feel like you're more baby hungry. Like, with each of our babies, you're the ones. I was like, we've got more.

I like having kids.

Okay, so what's your reasoning? Why did you want kids?

I like teaching them. And I like. I like.

Is that why you had kids?

No, no, no, it's not. Because, I mean, I could teach a lot of people, but there's something about being able to be the one who guides and teaches your children.

Hmm.

So that's one piece for me. Second piece of me that I really love with having kids is I love the idea of the fact that we created something. Now, we is a loose term here because I didn't do much of the creation phase. Now, how does it feel as a woman to be that committed for Two years.

Two years. Nine years, buddy.

Yeah, but it's two years. I mean, you got the preparatory phase.

You know what the first pregnancy, you're like, super pumped and you don't know what it's gonna be like. And you see pregnant girls and you like, just look at them and you're just like, in La La land. You're like, you look so cute. And then when you're pregnant, you're like, oh, my God, this is what it feels like. And it's like you're. You're like, whoa. But it's fun. Like feeling the baby, I will tell you, is like a really cool experience. I mean, despite, like feeling sick and gross and blah, blah, blah. I remember there was a few times, like, even with our first kid, I'd be like, this is so cool. Like, I'm. My body's like physically making a baby. And like, when they move, I'd be like, I remember one time even asking you. I'm like, don't you wish, like, just, just one time you could be pregnant? And you were like, no. And I was like, I said no. I said, you said no. And I was like, what a dick. Yeah, no, I didn't think of it as a dick. I was just like, really? You have no desire? Like, you don't ever want to experience the guy who experience everything? Yeah, I remember you saying that. And I was like, weird. And so I was like, well, even though it's not that fun, it is. It's like a cool experience. So. And then like, the second time around, you're like, all right. You're like, mentally like, why do you.

Think it's harder the second time around?

Because you're not as naive and you kind of like, are like, ooh, ooh. I don't remember that being that fun.

Is it because you're naive about the, like, the work that comes after, or is it you're not as naive about.

The pain of building the baby? I honestly think that babies are pretty easy. I think babies are. I think that first time parents are always, like, freaked out about the whole baby thing. And yeah, getting up in the middle of the night sucks, but you'd be surprised how quickly your body kind of adjusts to zero sleep. And you're so excited to not have a baby being pregnant anymore that you're just like, I don't care. I feel my body's starting to feel, like, normal and I'm cool with it. But no, it's like having a baby is not. I don't think it's hard, I think when they start to get a little bit older and like, I don't know, I mean, that's when it's fun because they have like their little personalities, they walk. Like every phase is so, so cool. But initially the baby stage is like, fairly easy, I think.

Do you think the parents. Do you think there are a lot of people who are just having children because they feel like they have to. Like, there's some obligation to it. Like, I feel like I have to have a kid to continue on my legacy.

Maybe. You know what? Maybe. But I. I think one thing that I'll tell you is for me, I always felt like I should have kids or I always wanted kids, but I wasn't like, you would always be. We'd be walking down, there'd be a baby, and you'd be like, oh, look how cute. And I was like, my baby, whatever. Like, I wasn't really interested.

It's true, I was into the baby.

But I will say, like, even if you're like, oh, I don't think I want kids, it changes a person. And like, I remember when I first had all my babies and they put them on your lap right after you have them and you're sitting there and you're holding them and I know maybe some women, like, immediately connect. I literally am like, there's a little stranger on me. And then it's crazy, like over the next, like two, three months how much I fall in love with this little. This little thing, this little baby of mine. And it's like, then there's like, the bond creates and you're like, okay. I mean, I just would have a hard time believing that even if you didn't want kids or you just felt like it was your next step when you're with him, you just kind of create this bond that, like, it'd be weird if you didn't create that bond. Do you know what I mean? It's just like you're with him all the time, you're taking care of him. You just build this bond. So even if you don't want kids, and you do, I think there's a lot of people that are like, wow, I want to be a mom now.

I think, Evan, I think being able to create a baby, create a child is like, incredible. Like, it's insane. Now let's look at this fact that out of the two, the two pregnancies that we've been through together, I have three children. My son, who's almost 19, and our 10 year old and 6 year old me and Danielle have had together Bailey and Ruby. I actually passed out.

Oh, that was a good sign.

On the second one, that was a good sign. I mean, obviously they were wondering why the fuck I was even in the delivery room. They're like, get this asshole out of here. He just passed out, literally.

Karen gets so panicky when it's like, go time. You can.

I get nervous about the baby thing. Cause I feel powerless. And that night, I had not slept.

No, you had not slept. It wasn't even that late. No, let me tell.

I had drank too much Red Bull.

It was literally, like, 12. It wasn't even that late. I went into labor. We got to the hospital, it was 12. But you were, like, so amped up. And then you had a Red Bull. And then I was more amped. The next thing I know, they're like, hey, if. Like, I was. Everything was going quick, and they're like, if you want an epidural, you gotta do it right now. And I was like, okay, let's do it. And I. And Karen's standing behind me.

I'm fanning you. I'm fanning you with the clipboard.

Because it's intense. I mean, if you haven't had an epidural, the needle is like the size of your arm.

It's like a giant elephant. Elephant needle.

I. All of a sudden, I hear this thud, and I'm like, what the hell? I didn't know what happened. Garrett literally passed out from me getting an epidural. And not only that, he hit, like, a T on the way down. And, like, they had to, like, help him up and put him on a stretcher. And, like, we have this good picture of us in the hospital together. And I was like, oh, who's the one?

Yes.

That was funny.

Did you know that I got put on timeout?

What do you mean?

Like, they literally put me on timeout.

Oh, yeah. The lady. The nurse pulled me to sleep when I was pushing. They said he couldn't watch it. He's got a weak stomach.

Oh, my God. I mean, yeah. Amidst all the craziest shit I've done, the one thing that caused me to pass out is.

You know what, though? I don't think I'd want to see it. My second baby, they were like, there's a mirror if you want to watch. And I was like, are you what? I'm like, no, I couldn't watch.

I don't think.

I don't think I would want to.

It's like asking to watch surgery. All right, so we have these babies. Everybody has their different reason for having babies. At the end of the day. What would you summarize yours as? What is the final reason that you have had children and maybe you will have more children?

The reason? Yeah, I wanted children. And after having children, it, like, brings so much unity to our family. And now I can't imagine not having them. Like, it can be stressful and crazy and so many things, but it's way more rewarding than anything else. And now when I hear people that are like, I don't want kids, I'm like, really? Really? I'm like, are you sure? Just one? Just one or two? Because I feel like I'm like, oh, you don't even know you're missing out. Like, you don'. Like, it's mind boggling. Like, and. And I. I get it at some level, like, you're, like, focused on your career, whatnot, or just doesn't cross your mind. But I can promise even those women, if they. If they did accidentally get pregnant or something, I believe that there would be a bond and they be like, wow, who knew? Who knew I could be. Who knew I could be a parent, you know? And I think they're missing out on when people tell me they don't want to have kids, I just feel like they're missing out.

I feel like. I feel like there's a whole aspect of who you are as a human being that you cannot find in this lifetime without children, like, it's impossible. Like, there are elements to who I am. If I'm not a father, I'm just like, I remember back when me and Danielle were just married and we didn't have the girls, and my son was living with his mother in a different country. Like, there was a different relationship there with us. I believe that having children forces you as a couple to actually find each other. So this leads us to our second question. You ready for the second question?

I'm ready.

Okay. How do you navigate the chaos of children and staying connected as a couple? Because we have parents, we have children. Okay, now we do. How do we navigate the chaos of having kids plus staying married?

Well, I think that we. Obviously, that's why the reason this podcast was born.

Date your wife.

Yeah, date your wife. I just think that too many people think, well, I'm together with my kids and it's fine. I'm spending that one on one. And like, when they're little, you guys, it's tough. Like, when they're a little bit older, it might be different, but even then you should have quality time with your spouse. And I don't know. What did you ask me?

I was asking like, how do you manage the chaos?

The chaos?

Having kids but still being married and making sure you stay together. On the same page.

Yeah. You spend time together. I know so many couples. I was talking to this lady the other day and she has five kids. And I was telling her how we go out on dates once or twice a week. And she was like, oh, my God, I haven't gone on one in the last six weeks. And I was like, six weeks and she has five kids? And she's like, she gave me some reason, like, oh, well, we don't really need him. We have a really good relationship. And I was like, like, I'm going to call bullshit. And okay. But I didn't want to offend her. So I was just like, oh, cool. You should try it. See, something else could happen. Maybe things could get better.

We see this happen with men all the time at Waco Boy, where you watch guys who are. They've got three, four children. Two kids, three kids, four kids, five kids. Sometimes up to eight children, which I think is the highest number of kids, like actual birth children, 8 of men that I've ever coached or worked with. And we'll sit and we'll have these conversations about them raising children. And then they never go on dates. We've had guys who have not gone on a date without children with their spouse for years. No weekend getaways, no trips away, no overnight staycations, no weekly date night, Nothing. And all of the energy is poured into the children. So I'm gonna ask you the next question with this.

So, I mean, it's good to have kids, but if you. Here's the thing. If your marriage doesn't working, like, the kids are gonna know. And ultimately if you don't stay married, like, the kids don'. Really want that. That doesn't keep your little family unit together. So I think a lot of times just people or parents maybe have the guilt of. Or they say they don't have the money or whatever it is, but the reality of the situation is if, if. And so many people will pour so much time into their kids, like, they don't even live their own lives anymore. And they don't. Like, they just think that that's how life is and that's a sacrifice and they have to live vicariously through their kids. And then their kids are older and grown and then they're like, left. Left with their husband.

They're left with no.

Purpose, maybe. Yeah. I don't like my husband and I have no purpose. So I don't know, I don't desire to do that. And so for me, I work, I spend time with my kids, I spend time with my husband because I think it's important, I don't know, to live your life that way.

So really what we're saying here is as an individual man and a woman, there's a couple things you need to have access to. One, if you got kids. One. Each individual needs to have time by themselves, away from the other person. They need to have purpose beyond their children and their partner. Would you agree with this?

Yeah.

Purpose beyond children and partner, which means you have something that's more for you.

That makes you exciting.

Beyond me and the kids.

I think that when people don't have that, they focus on the wrong shit in life and they create drama and self sabotage. And I see women do it all the time. I see myself do it all the time. Like when I'm not feeling like I have purpose and things like that, it's like I do stupid shit.

Yep. So first reason. First reason that purpose beyond husband and purpose beyond children, or vice versa. Purpose beyond wife and purpose beyond children. Second, purpose as a couple beyond children. Okay, so you were married to me before we had the kids, now we have the kids. So why is it important that that priority relationship with you and I stays focused in your mind even though we continue to have children. Maybe we have another child, maybe we have two more children.

Children, children.

Maybe we have two more children. Assuming we have some more, maybe we don't. Whatever the case is, we got the two right now, plus my son, we got the three. So inside of that game, why is it so like, when you look at that order of yourself and then you have from yourself to couples, to the kids, why is that the order? Like, explain to me why is that the order? Take care of yourself, take care of your partner, take care of your kids. What are your thoughts on this? Or do you disagree with.

You're like on an airplane and they're like, before you put the mask on your kids, you have to put it on yourself. Why? Why did they say that?

Well, because you're worthless if you pass out.

Exactly. Theory. My case is rested.

Case rested.

Case rested. If you don't take care of yourself, you're probably selling yourself short on how you can take care of your relationships inside your family, including with your husband and your children.

So check this out. Look at this. If you are disconnected as an individual, you have nothing to give your partner. If you and your partner are disconnected and in chaos. As a partner partnership, you have very little to give your children. If, at the end of the day, your mission itself is to actually love on and lead these children. You cannot do it if you are hollow, and you cannot do it if your relationship is a shit show. And we're suggesting here, date your wife. That the simple first step to doing this is to do what, Danielle?

Take time for yourself and then. And then take time for. This is a trick question. I'm like, what comes next?

You weren't paying attention.

I know.

I caught you in the middle of two thoughts. I did it on purpose. Step one, time for yourself. Step two, date your spouse. In this case, date your wife. If you're a man, you date your wife out.

Cause if you have a good relationship, and then you can have a good family life.

Okay, I appreciate it. You literally got lost in a stream of.

I know. I was thinking of it.

I was like, tell us what you were thinking about. Cause you were thinking about something.

I was thinking sex. No. I don't know. Sometimes I just go in la la land and then I'm like, bring it back down.

Okay, so I have another question for you. What is your responsibility as a parent in your mind, like, we have children. What's your responsibility? Like, ultimately, what is your stewardship with Bailey and Ruby?

You know what? I'll just.

What do you think your job is?

I remember when Bailey. Bailey's a lot like Garrett. She's very high, low energy, but, like, the sweetest thing. But, like, the craziest thing. Like, she's a lot. But, like, I really. I definitely, like, connect her and, like, love her, and she's such a cute kid. But I remember when I felt like she was crossing to the dark side.

Do you have this thought she was going to the dark side?

No. So she was probably only like, oh, let's see.

Two.

No, it was. Right. It was four years. It was probably. She was probably about six. She was probably about Ruby's age.

About Ruby's age.

It was like kindergarten age, where all of a sudden, like, they're not sweet and sassy anymore. She's, like, defiant. She's giving me attitude. And I was like, my buddy. Like, where's my buddy? And I remember getting sat so angry, and I was like. I remember I being like, I don't know, Garrett. Maybe we need to go to a doctor. Like, definitely. Something's wrong with her. I'm pretty sure she's bipolar. I'm pretty sure she's add. I think she's adhd. Like, maybe I'm doing something wrong, but definitely, like, she probably needs some medicine. I don't really know. And I remember I felt like I was losing her. Like I was losing my. My little baby. And I remember, like, clear as day. Every now and again, I have, like, clear voices that come to me. And this voice came and said, she was never yours to lose. And I was like, no. And I just felt like it was just like, it kind of came to me, like, you gotta, you know, pave a way for your children, but you can't necessarily control what they do. And so I try to approach parenthood kind of like, okay, I'm gonna try and lead by example. I'm gonna try and be a good parent. I'm gonna try and keep them out of harm's way. I'm gonna try and influence them to hang out with good friends. I'm gonna try to influence them to be nice to people. I'm gonna try and work on communication with my children. And it was like, all these things where to become a good parent. I realized I'm like a. Don't stress out. And it's not physically your little person, but there's this weird phase for a mom. And I don't know if you experience this where until they're like five, you're like, they're mine. Like, you feel this because they do things. Like, they like it too. I remember Ruby was like, see, yeah, she'd take. She'd take our little weenie dog for a walk. Like, they just think they're big kids and super independent. And so you, like, there's a stress level of like, oh, my God, my kid might go out and get hit by a car. So you feel like this. This weird when they're in that phase, like this weird responsibility of just keeping them alive, like, as weird as that sounds. And then it's like they're older and they're in, like, kindergarten or in first grade. And you're like, okay, now I can say, ruby, you can't take the dog for a walk. And, like, logically, she now knows that makes sense, and she has to come me, mom, can I take the dog for a walk? That doesn't mean if I say no, she's not going to throw a tantrum. Do you know what I mean?

Right.

And so that's when I felt like I was losing my kid. I was like, oh, my God, she's saying no, she's defiant. And it was just Like, a whole nother phase of childhood. And I just remembered, the only thing I could tell you is I just remember thinking and feeling like, okay, like, this isn't physically your little person. Like, you don't own this person. You are just there to lead and guide them as best as possible and pave the way, I guess.

Well, look at that. That was actually one of the questions I was gonna ask you today.

Oh.

So I appreciate that segue, which is, are my children my property?

No.

And it makes it sound like, as a mom, when they're younger, there is a sense of this. As a father, there can be a sense of this too.

I think women, we wanna control our kids for sure.

Why do you think that is?

Because we feel this ownership.

Your mom and my mom tried this.

We feel this ownership, and we're like, well, if you're under my roof, you abide by my rules. And it's like, that's kind of how I was taught. And I get it. Like, there has to be some boundaries and there has to be respect, and there has to be, like, so many things. But it's also like, you don't own your children. You're not entitled to the decisions they make. You just hope that they make good choices. I mean, I don't know. My kids are still young, so it's hard for me to say because I'm not at that point, but.

So what do you think the responsibility of a parent is then, if they. We don't own our kids. I'll share my thoughts on this here in a second. But what are your thoughts on this? What do you think the responsibility is?

Like I said, just of a parent. I think you just paved the way, and I think that.

What does that mean? Pave the way. Explain that. Explain that. Pave the way.

I feel like I just did, but you want me to do it again? Like, you try to, like, influence them to hang out with good friends. You try, and you choose schools that you think will be beneficial for them. You. You encourage them to do sports or whatever things that they, like, that'll help them in life. And they. You know what I mean? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I just feel like I. For me, I definitely want to, like, spend quality time with my kids and, like. I don't know. I don't know. Still figuring it out, I guess.

So I'm gonna share a story.

Okay.

You want her first story?

Okay.

Okay. So my daughter, 10, Bailey. So she watches us all the time. Like, her big strategy for Life is to eavesdrop on me and Danielle. She eavesdrops on business conversations, marriage conversations. She walks in on us having sex. My daughter, just like she is just all about making sure she knows what's going on all the time. So amidst all this, I'm sitting next to her and she launches her business called Bailey's Lemonade. And she pulls up Rocket Lawyer online by herself and begins to go through the creating of contracts. My daughter then goes on and gets nine, count them, nine, signed contracts by girls in her class to be in her company and be employees of hers, and ends up not wanting to pay for the Rocket Lawyer because she has to pay for it. So she ends up creating a new contract on a piece of paper, gets a contract signed, et cetera. All the kids organizes all of this. The girls are ecstatic about it. They all come to our house for the first business meeting, which happened yesterday, and Bailey puts all this together and all this amazing thing. And then what's happening last night, Danielle?

What's happening last night?

Yeah, what's happening with me and Bailey last night?

Fighting.

Fighting.

Cause she doesn't want to clean up the mess.

Cause she don't want to clean up the mess. So here's my daughter. She does all this amazing shit, shit I was not even smart enough to do. She's building marketing plans and launching stuff on software and doing created a team meeting and wrote employment contracts. I didn't even know what this shit was at 10 years of age. I didn't even know what this shit was. Basically like 25 years of age. And here's my 10 year old doing all this amazing stuff. So here's the interesting piece that has supported me last night. I was super pissed. I sent her a text this morning, though, because we got fights. I yelled, I had to threaten. I had to do all this other stuff. I don't think I spanked. Did I spank last night? I don't think I spanked.

You don't usually Spank. And she's 10 now, so I feel like it's kind of getting weird if I yell. No. Like, if you were to be like, I'm gonna spank you, I think that would be weird. Like, I don't feel like you spank her. You usually just yell at her. And she's like, pretty much yell. And then she runs away.

And then she runs away and says, don't hit me. Okay, so here's the thing with that. BAE and Bailey go to war that night. But in the morning, we were in total Harmony as a team, and I was championing her. And this morning, I sent her a text as part of my Core 4 experience, which, by the way, if you do not have access to the Warrior book, if you are a man inside of this, you need to do yourself a favor. Get access to the Warrior book by heading to warriorbook.com and when they're investing $100 and we'll ship that book to you. It's going to be a training that's going to allow you as a man to be able to get into a place in a daily system to be able to connect with your kids, one of which is what I do with my daughter. So I sent her a text this morning telling her I love her no matter what, et cetera. We go back and forth, and we go back and forth, and we go back and forth. So here's the reason why I share all this with you. We go from peak to pit, peak to pit. Super high in a relationship. Super angry, super loving, super angry, super loving, super, like, up and down and up and down. Her and I. The only thing that has allowed me to sustain the game with my daughter is the story that I tell myself about the purpose of my role as her father. Here's what it used to be. The purpose of my daughter. Purpose of my role as a father is to help my daughter get it right. Now, the purpose of my role as a father, that didn't work out so well. The purpose, in my mind, of my responsibility as a father is to teach my children to take care of themselves. And I'm doing really good in some ways and really shitty. So while my daughter's like a marketing maven, she is the shittiest bed maker of all time. Horrible dishwasher, lazy as shit when it comes to some things, yet completely on fire when it comes to others. What are you hearing from this Danielle? That our responsibility is to teach and train our children to take care of themselves so they become productive people in society versus, I think our approaches, babies.

I think our approaches are a little different. No.

Okay. They are.

Oh.

I was like, yes, they are very different.

I just kind of, like, for me, I used to try and, like, do everything for Bailey, like, down to, like, tie her shoes and do everything. And now I, like, she's getting older, and I finally realized I was like, she's gonna have to face consequences and I'm not gonna do stuff for her anymore. So, like, not taking her laptop to school or forgetting her books or whatever. And then the teacher would email me and I'D be like. Or she'd be late. And. And I was like, okay, you're late. And then the teacher would email me. And I was like, feel free to give her whatever consequences you need necessary. She knows what time she needs to be to school, and that's her choice. And that seemed to work better is if she had. She kind of had to like.

Clear consequences.

Yeah, clear consequences. And then I. Cause before, I always felt. And I still kind of am like, Bailey get like, she's such. So stubborn in the morning. Like, she just won't move.

Do you feel like. Did you ever take it personal? Like you were like, damn it, child, you're gonna be late. And this makes me look bad. Did you ever have that feeling? I've had it occasionally.

No. No. I don't care if it makes me look bad. I know. I've never had that feeling. No.

Not once?

No.

Okay, well done.

I mean, I like to be punctual, but I just. I never. Maybe it's cuz, like, it was just elementary school and I was just like, yeah, whatever. And like when the teachers of the email we have, like, yeah, she's rough to get out of bed, so feel free to hold her in at recess. And then that worked. And I was like, wow, cool. So, I don't know. I forgot where we going?

All right, so I'm gonna give us one last strategy here, but I'm gonna ask a question with it. Cause I'm gonna give a strategy and I'm gonna give you. I'm gonna lead you. I'm gonna load you up with a question. Are you ready for another question? Okay. What do you do when you don't wanna love your kids? Like, you're at that point, you're in the moment where you're like, so pissed.

I call it mommy timeout.

Yeah, well, I remember coming home one day and you had that look in your eyes like, mother on fire. And our kids have been fighting, battling, et cetera. You had lost your mind with it and you said, you need to take over. I'm putting these kids in a garbage bag and throw them in front of a moving car.

I did not say that.

Yeah, with somebody like that, or in a river, or you're going to push in front of a car. I don't know. All I know is there was violence ensued. Mom was at the end of her fucking rope. There was no more love to be found. Okay. When you're in those moments as a parent, how do you continue to love your kids when they're acting Unlovable.

I literally have to put myself in mommy timeout. And there's times even now where I want to, like, get mad, and I'll be like, you're the parent. You're the parent. You're the parent. You're the parent. Because I just think that, like, you have to. You, like, that's the role. And even though I think as parents, we can act like kids and total assholes too. And so for me, I really know I'm still trying to figure stuff out. All I know is, like, there's been times where I've, like, lost it. And I'm like, I'll say things that I didn't mean to say, or I'll. I'll do things I didn't mean to do. And I'm like. And then the guilt sets in. And to be honest with you, if I'm being 100% honest, I hate that guilt of feeling like, oh, I yelled at them. Oh, I'm a shitty mom.

Oh.

Cause, like, they could be being the biggest little butt heads ever. But if I lose my cool, it's not like I'm, like, mad at them. I literally have so much guilt on myself for what I said or yelling at them or whatever it is. And so for me, that's when I came up with, like, mommy timeout. Because I was like, I can't. I can't lose my cool. I have to remind myself that I'm the adult. And I literally will have to just. I usually just tell them to go up to their room. Like, my version of timeout is everybody needs to get in their own space. It's not like. It's not like I go and lock myself in the closet because I don't. I don't want them to be like.

Have you ever locked yourself in the closet?

I have. When I've been on a phone call. My kids are like, screaming, and I'm like, where's the only quiet place in the house? And then they'll be like, mom, Mom. She won't give me this. And I'm like, they won't find me. I'm in the closet. And I'm usually on the phone or something trying to keep it quiet. But no, I just feel like when I get to that place where I feel like I'm gonna lose my cool, I just. I just might get up to your room right now, and I literally, like, will separate, it would say. If it's like, because there's two little girls and me, everybody's like, in different spaces of the House. And for me, like, it allows me and allows everybody to calm back down. And if our kids come out of the room and they're still fuming, I'm like, chill. Get back in your room. And she'll slam the door. And she'll slam the door, and I want to go up and be like, slam the door. Don't slam the door. And I'm like, nope, just can. And I'll. And that's what I do. And it seems to work better. Is like, you're good at that because, like, I think you lose your cool. Like, if she slams the door, you get up there, don't you slam your door. And I feel like sometimes that makes it worse. So I just am like. I almost, like, go into, like, robot mode, and I'm like, I do it with you too, sometimes. I used to when we'd fight and it would piss you off even more. But I go into, like, my robot mode, and I'm like, shut your door. Shut your door. Shut your door. And I just, like, do sometimes with Bailey. She's so stubborn. I'd have to do it, like, 17 times. I'd be like, shut your door. And then finally, like, 20 minutes later, it she, like, she was so much like you. Like, I could. I'd come up, and she'd be like, hi, Mommy. And she'd, like, be like, I'm sorry. And, like, then she'd want to talk about it, and, like, but she'd get angry, and I'd just be like, bailey, you're still pissed off. Like, I'm not. I don't want to get pissed right now. Look, I don't want to talk to you about it right now, and I don't know that's the most effective way to do it, but it's like, when the. When the moment is still heated, I'm like. I'm like, we. I don't want to talk about it right now, okay? Like, I'm the parent, you're the kid, and it is what it is, and we can talk about it. We'll discuss it tomorrow when we're less heated, and we'll figure it out then. But again, that's just, like, my parenting strategy as far as that goes.

We will have a conversation on the next show on Parenting, which will be like, four shows from now, where we'll talk about what happens when parents have very contradictive parenting strategies, which Danielle and I have very different. We have very different strategies. Danielle of Switzerland.

I'm super, like, laxadaisy.

I'm A salt SWAT unit.

I have zero follow through. I'll just say that, like, literally. I don't know. It's the best thing, but I'm full of empty threats. I'll just put that out there.

All right, so I'm gonna give you one strategy here as we wrap up today's show. So last night, Bailey and I got in that big fight again, doing amazing things, and then we go to battle. And I sent her a text this morning at 6:02am to her cell phone. I said, bailey, I love you, babe. I hate fighting, getting angry at you, and yelling. Seriously, I hate it. I want to be your best friend and also your dad. And I'm not sure how to do that at the same time. Yesterday, it was so fun with your friends. It was so amazing for me to watch you, watch you with them leading and creating and choosing to go all in with Bailey's lemonade. That is not easy to lead. It's not easy to choose to create a business. I hope you know I'm supporting you and 100% love you no matter what. Love, dad. Her response back to me, love you no matter what. I forgive you for yelling, and I'm sorry I was yelling and whining, Love you no matter what. Love, Bailey. So here's a phrase I'm gonna give to all the men out there as a possibility of what you can embed and brainwash in your children is that one simple phrase. I started teaching my daughters this when they were young, which is, I love you no matter what. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, no matter how we fight, no matter how things go down, I love you no matter what. And I'm gonna challenge you to start implementing that idea into your relationship with your children to allow them to understand that no matter what goes down, you love them. They can always come to you. And so the phrase that I've used is, I love you no matter what. Now we're gonna come to Danielle to wrap up the show for final tips here. Date night. You have a tip for the date night this week? A topic. I'm gonna give them a topic here around parenting, but you have a tip for their date night this week.

A tip for the date night.

Tip for the date night. Tip. Night. Tip night.

Date night.

Tip of the week.

Plan. Plan something, but tell your wife the plan. So one thing, like, with Garrett and I is I like when he plans it, but I like when he tells me, like, what he's doing in case I'm like, I don't want to do that, because sometimes he'll be like, I got the babysitter. And then I'm like, oh, my God. I have to plan everything. And sometimes I'm busy, and I'm like, I don't want to be the planner. And so I would say, if you're going to go on a date this week, plan it down to the reservation. If you go to a movie, a comedy club, whatever you want to do, plan it. And then just tell your wife, say, hey, got the babysitter. Here's the plan. Does that sound like a good plan, or would you rather go do something else? And don't be offended if she wants to do something else.

We'll talk about how impossible it is to surprise you as a woman.

I love being surprised. I hate being.

Yeah, you love being surprised. Except for I have to cross check with you on everything.

I like to be surprised more like, here's 10 things. Surprise me with these two.

Here are the. I want you to despise me with these two things. Just pick one. All right, so we're wrapping up today's show. Again, the challenge we have on today's concept is this idea of I love you no matter what, and to consider the possibility that your children are in your life for you to learn and grow as a human being, but also that they're there for you with one responsibility, which is to teach them how to take care of themselves. Little key phrase under the bottom of this, which is I love you no matter what, used with your children, and it could be inside of a relationship with your wife. Tip of the week when it comes to date is, gentlemen, time for you to plan this thing. But it appears that, well, you're gonna need to check in with your wife and make sure that your plans are done. Make all the plans and bring them to her. And if she vetoes them, don't get pissed. Even though I've done that and gotten pissed many, many times and even said, fuck it, Fine. We're not going out at all. So I have learned how to not do that.

I will say sometimes. Sometimes you'll plan something. And I'm like, I don't want to do it. And then I feel bad. I'm like, oh, he went through the effort to plan it. And I'm like, nope, do it. And then we have fun. So.

All right, you've literally contradicted yourself. Holy shit. If you're not confused by this, I'm confused by this. Literally. Just don't even bother listening to anything going on in the coldest hour. Welcome to date your wife and the psychosis of women. All right, wrapping the show. Couple invitations. If you have not currently subscribed to itunes, Google Play or Stitcher or SoundCloud to Warrior on Fire. Make sure you do that today. Also would love a review from you on the show. Go ahead and give us your thoughts and ideas on this. If you have some insights or ideas or topics or thoughts here for the show you'd like us to discuss on either topics of sexual, money, parenting or communication, feel free to send those to dateyourwifeupwarrior.com that is dateyourwifeupwarrior.Com also ps I.

Made my husband go on the first blogger shoot with me. So if you guys want to see photos of us, we'll be putting those on Date your wife. Now that we have that blog, it'll be dateyourwifenow.com and I'll also be putting it on dkwstyling.com where I talk about hair, fashion, YouTube and all of that.

There's a lot of stuff that you can do here. We're grateful that you're here with us on this particular show. Have a great rest of your week. Next week we'll be back here with the topic of communication and we're going to talk about the power of getting what you want while helping your spouse and children get what they want to. That's all we got for you this week. This is Garrett J. White signing off with my beautiful queen saying love and light, Good morning, good afternoon, and good night.