Connection in Parenting | Date Your Wife | Ep 012

Well, hello, everybody. This is your boy, Gary J. White, the co host here at the date your wife podcast. I am here in episode number 12 with my beautiful wife, Danielle K. White. Danielle, how do you feel about me adding the K to your last name?

I'm not.

I've already your middle name.

I'm not attached to the middle initial.

But, you know, would you drop the K?

I don't really care like you, literally.

What would you do? It's DKW styling. What would you do if I got rid of the kids?

Dw.

It'll be DW Styling.

Did I name it dk?

No, I named it. You named it I. I required you to put the K. No, you did.

I think I did not.

I'm taking credit.

You always call me. You're always like, danielle K. White.

Danielle K. White. You know why? It's because most people are uncomfortable with actually saying their first, middle, and last name.

I say I'm not attached to the K, but that I did call my thing DKW because it just sounds like DW. DW sounds a little bit manly, like DK.

DW sounds like a hip hop star. DW40. All right, so anyways, welcome to today's show. This is episode number 12. We're diving deep into the topics today of parenting. While my wife loses her headphones here in studio. If you've been following us here inside of the podcast, Hy podcast, we are here having a conversation. Neither one of us are actually certified at all to talk about the topic of marriage. We're not marriage therapists. We're not attorneys.

Can you get a certification?

Wait, I think you can. I think there's an online certification.

I'm sure. Sure there is. Somebody's got a program with level one certification, married life.

Why don't we open up our own certification? And we'll be black belt certified in the date your wife marriage certification training acceleration course.

Yeah.

How do you feel about this?

I see it going somewhere.

I see it going somewhere.

There's a funnel for that.

There's a funnel for that. Oh, we're just coming back from funnel hacking live. So here is the deal. Listen, if you're here new for the show, for the very first time, inside of the date your wife experience, we've been rolling out episodes now for. For the entire year of 2018. Our topics and conversation revolve around the idea of sex, the idea of money, the idea of parenting, and ultimately that topic of communication. My wife and Danielle and I are here for the very first time in 2018 sharing the behind the scenes game of what happens inside of marriage. When you put two producers together in the game of business, a man and a woman, and you put them together, both building businesses and empires and also having children and. And living the have it all world.

How come nobody's on your live feed?

There is people on my live feed. You cannot see them. That's a live feed inside my network.

Oh, okay. This is not a Facebook to the public. Are you against the public social media right now?

No, I'm not against anything. I am for my network.

That's good, but are you done with. Cause sometimes you're in social media and sometimes you're not.

I'm just wondering. Yeah, I am. I'm out right now. I'm out of social media.

I just wanted you to announce that.

All right, so listen, tell us why we're doing this show, though. Like why I come to you every time on this. Give it to us. I'm a little trigger happy right now with my new button, Flicker. Talk to me about this. Why are we doing this show at all? You know why we're doing this show. Quit pretending like you don't.

I don't know. Did you want to answer your own question or do you want to ask?

No, I want you to answer it. Go for it.

I have always felt like as we started building businesses of our own, we had more to talk about in life, in marriage, and it was kind of like a reconnecting piece for us because even though when life was kind of a shit show, I was like, well, I don't know if I'm going to stay married, so I better figure out what I'm going to do to provide an income for myself and not have to rely on somebody else, because that's just how I am. And so as I started to kind of dive into my career, I found even, like when Garrett and I would go out on date nights, even if I felt like there was nothing really I could talk to him about, I mean, we'd always talk about the kids because we had kids in common. But another thing that we had in common, we was work and some of the same stresses and some of the things you go through trying to build a business and things like that. And so it was. It wasn't like it was probably a couple years ago. And I just thought we'd have these great conversations and I just thought, man, this. We need to. We should record each other. Like, I think people would find a lot of value out of this. Or maybe I just think we're funny. I don't know. And it's interesting. I don't. A lot of times in life, I think people want a clear path of what, why they're starting something or why they're doing it. Why are you doing a podcast? Why are you starting a blog? Why are you promoting this? Why are you doing that? And oftentimes you don't really need a why. You just have to kind of follow that intuition or that feeling of like, hey, I need to start here, and we're gonna see where it goes. And so for me, I think that's kind of where we're at and who's to say where it's gonna go? But I do know as of right now, we're like, momentum starting to pick up and we're getting tons of positive feedback. And a lot of people are like, oh my God, I love your guys show together. And, and I, they'll, they'll just say like, I love your real raw approach to marriage. And we, like, we listen to it on date night ourselves. So we got a lot of like, positive feedback. And so to say, like, that's kind of my why of why I feel like we started it to see where it goes. Who knows, you know, I mean, I think that something will come out of it. And I don't know, we're just kind of riding this, we're just riding this wave out and hoping you guys enjoy this.

There's a lot of, we're getting a lot of feedback from a lot of couples in a lot of different areas about the fact that this show itself is actually sparking an opportunity to have conversations that you wouldn't normally be able to have. Like, conversation. Maybe you manage your listeners. You're like, I've not been able to have these kind of conversations with my wife about sex. I've not been able to have these kind of conversations with my wife about money. We haven't been able to get on the same page when it comes to parenting and our children. And our communication has been a shit show. So it's been working. Even here, locally, where we live, there's couples that come up to us all the time. Had it happen just yesterday again, another couple coming up and saying, hey, listen, we listen to your show every single week. It's actually part of our date night routine. And, and every week we spark ourselves into a conversation.

I think it's probably too refreshing. Like, I, I, we're not specifically giving you tactics. I mean, we'll share things that we've learned along the way that can be helpful. But I think people like it because they're like, we are. We try to be pretty real. And so they're like, oh, that was so funny. And I can totally relate to that. And, like, even at every age, I've had older people tell me, like, oh, my God, I remember in my 30s. Sorry, I'm still in my 30s.

But you are 30. Almost 35. You're almost 35 this time. I know that's how you feel about being 35.

I really liked being at the lower end of 30s.

Now I'm like, oh, no, you're in the middle. You are not forever 21.

I'm not?

Nope.

I'm cool with not being forever 21.

You haven't shopped at forever 21 in quite a while. Six, seven years. Six years.

I don't know if you've noticed. My shopping patterns have gone.

Your shopping patterns have definitely increased beyond the Forever 21. Okay, so we're here to have a topic of conversation today about this idea of parenting and having babies. Now, I spoke here at Funnel Hacking Live 2018. Here, just a couple days ago, in front of 3,000 people, got to introduce the core four concepts, which is a powerful tool found inside of a book known as the Worrybook, which you can find out more@worrybook.com they'll also be core four of the book that will be coming out here in June of 2018, with my publishers at Next Century Publishing excited to get that entire message out to the marketplace. We'll support you as an individual and also as a couple. But I made an announcement from stage, and my wife sent me a text and said, did you say anything to anyone? Like, well, I did. I did tell everyone on stage that we were pregnant, but we actually had something occur, which was a very. I didn't have anything occur. Well, you had something occur to you, which then means it happened to me, too, in the sense that I'm involved at some level. But you had something happen that is actually quite common for women. But why don't you share?

I miscarried. I have two children, and this will be my second miscarriage. But, I mean, it's hard because I was almost. I think I was nine weeks, and we were just getting ready to go to the. We actually had a doctor's appointment scheduled today for. For, like, the first baby appointment. And if you're a mom, you know that, like, first appointment is, like, so fun because you can usually hear a heartbeat and you kind of see something moving, and you're not like, oh, good. I don't just feel like shit for nothing, so. But unfortunately, while Garrett was out of town and I almost went with him, but I was like, no, I don't. I had. We had a lot of stuff going on. Oh, it's crazy.

You did. You did.

Almost.

God.

It's probably good that I didn't. But anyway, it was while he was probably up on stage, and I told him, I said, don't tell anyone, because I just. I just. I don't know. I. Because I'd had a miscarriage before, I'm like, don't tell anyone. I like to wait till after the first trimester. I had told a few close friends and clients and things like that, but wasn't. Hadn't really shared the news. And then when he said, had we.

Shared inside of the big money stylist networks?

No, I literally had shared it with just people I work with and a few close family and friends and clients. And so I screwed that up. So I was like, hey, don't say anything. But. Well, I text him. I was like, I think I miscarried. And then I got it. It was confirmed. I mean, obviously, yeah, I did, but I'm like, don't. Don't say anything. You didn't tell anybody, right? I'm like. Because I'm pretty sure I just miscarried. And he says, oh, well, I just announced it on stage. I'm like, oh, my God, Garrett, run a 3000. So anyway, that's why we're coming out now, because I hadn't even announced it on the podcast. Even though. Which I know you were so excited, and I was too, but I just know. I just know that miscarriages are common. And I just feel like I always just like I wanted to go to the first doctor's appointment and just kind of seal the deal. Yep, there is something in there, you know. So even though I'd taken five pregnancy tests. Cause I was like, oh, man, I feel so good. Am I sure I'm pregnant? And I kept getting confirmation that I was.

So did you keep energetically feeling like you said you were feeling a little different here recently?

Well, it was very. That you were feeling different with your body. I felt like, as a girl, I'm sure, you know, like, you know you're pregnant before even the tests tell you you're pregnant.

You're just like, do you really know this?

Yes.

You just, like, you feel it. Like, what does it feel.

Feel like? Watermelons. And like, you just. It's different that you feel like you feel like you have, like, these piercing headaches. It's similar to, like, before you start a period. I mean, yeah, TMI if you're a guy, but. Sorry, whatever. And you just. You feel. You feel weird, but it's different. It's different. I, like, know. And my bet, most women who've had children know, like, you just know. Especially if you were trying. You're kind of like, oh, yeah, I think I'm pregnant. And you get. I don't get sick, but I just. I just feel like blah. Like, I don't know how to describe it. You just literally feel like every ounce of being is being, like, sucked out of you. The first trimester. And it was weird. This last week, I was like, oh, my God. Like, I feel really good, almost strangely good. And I told a close client of mine, and I'm like, yeah, I'm pregnant. And she was like, no, you look too good. And I was like, I feel amazing. But maybe that's just a bonus. Cause, like, I'm just, you know, maybe it's just a bonus because I'm supposed to have another kid. I'm just supposed to feel great about it. I don't know. But, yeah, it sucks. But, I mean, one thing for me is I do get pregnant fairly quickly, so I'm like, well, we'll see what happens from here.

So what's now? The very first time before we had Bailey, you had a miscarriage. Yeah, so we had two miscarriages. We had two babies. And the first time it happened, it was super traumatic for me, too. It seems less traumatic for you this time.

I know, but you know what? I had a weird feeling.

You were pretty traumatic about it last time.

I did. You know what? Because my one daughter, my youngest is gonna be seven, and because there's been such a gap, I think I was like. And because I'd had a miscarriage, I was like, I don't know. For some reason. And I was. I was, like, trying not to put it out there, but I was like, I don't know. It might take a couple times, because that's. Because it had been such a stretch. It was almost like my body didn't know what it was like to be pregnant again. That's how I describe it versus, like, the second time. It was like, oh, I know this feeling. This is how it attaches, is how it works, and let's make a baby. And I think because there had been such a gap, I was nervous that I would have a miscarriage again because I was like, oh, maybe My body, it's going to feel like a new experience for it. So that's how I would describe it. And so now I think if I were to try again, my body, it would. I don't know. It's hard to describe, but, like, women, you know your bodies, and so it's like you kind of, like, intuitively know your bodies and just little signs, if you pay attention to them, you're like, okay. So I think I didn't want to tell anybody because I was like, I don't know. For some reason, I don't think it's gonna stick. And then it didn't. And I want to put that out there, but, you know, we can always try again. And I. I didn't want to get my hopes up too much in case something like this happened. And I'm not going to lie. Like, the minute it happened, I, like, had this, like, emotional release, and I was like, oh, my God. This is like. I didn't realize. I was like, oh, I was kind of excited. You know what I mean? And I was like, oh. And then once I had the emotional release, I was like. I was like, okay, I feel good. And now, because I don't. I don't feel pregnant, like, and I feel like I can feel, like, the life coming back to me, if that makes sense.

You feel more energy?

Yes. Like, and I feel.

You feel like you're not being sucked.

Even though I'm, like, sad, I feel like I'm like, oh. I'm like, oh, I'm me again. Like, you know? So you're like, oh, wow.

A little positive focus on this.

Yeah. You're like, oh, okay. I feel pretty good. So I'm good. I'm good.

So we're gonna talk about babies today.

I don't want to talk about babies.

No, I'm not talking about baby babies. This is parenting, okay?

I was like, are we really gonna talk about this whole show? Because I don't really want to, but.

No, no, no. We're not talking about, like, miscarriages, the whole show. We're talking about babies.

Babies or kids?

We're gonna talk about the impact of babies on a person's life.

Are you just pulling this topic out of your ass?

No, I'm not pulling it out of my ass. I'm pulling it out of my left ear. Here's the deal. So we have our first daughter, Bailey. How did we decide to have a baby? Like, everybody has kind of their decisions. Do you remember? Did we actually have a conversation that said, hey, let's Have a baby. Did we try with Bailey? I don't remember. I think we did try with Bailey.

We always want babies. I don't know.

I do love babies.

No, you just.

I think babies are awesome.

No, but not only that.

Like, you like puppies. I like babies.

I do love puppies. I almost went and got a puppy.

After I found out I was baby like. Hell. No. Because I have to clean up the poop from that puppy.

No, you don't.

I do. I am the master at poop cleaner up.

I'm just gonna say this right now.

And I also have to plunge a toilet.

I'm supposed to right now. And this pertains to parenting as well. So we have this little weenie dog. Kay.

Okay. Off you go.

We've had her before. Since, like, before we had kids. She's the cutest thing ever. Her Name's Chloe. She's 14, and she looks like a puppy. Like, girl looks good for her age.

She does. She's a great grandma.

She is so cute. And she's just. She's, like, dumb, but smart. But she's only dumb because we didn't teach her well.

So.

So anyways, this pertains. I feel like this can. There's our parenting, obviously. So Garrett every. We have this dining room rug, and it's a really nice rug, and there's always a poop on it. And it doesn't matter what house we live in. We moved, like. We've moved, like, eight times in, like, the last 10 years. And there's always one rug that she designates. Even if we move into a new house and throw out all rugs. And I think, like, yes, she's not gonna smell her previous spots, and she won't go back to it. And she always finds her designated rug. And it's so funny. I'm like, she and Garrett would say she's stupid. I'm like, I disagree because I take her to my salon with me, like, two times a week, and she doesn't pee or poop. She doesn't pee or poop. Because, I mean, that would be so embarrassing. She's not that dumb. She's not going to poop in front of people. So I was like, she hides and no, no, she doesn't hide. So. So Garrett would get so mad, and he'd be like, this stupid dog. And I was like, stupid dog or stupid parents? I'm like. I'm like, here's the thing now. I'm like, she's so old. Like, you can't teach a new Dog tricks or can you? You probably can, but you have to teach yourself as a parent to stay consistent. And neither of us are willing to stay consistent, so we can't be mad at the dog.

I'm very consistent with the dog.

Let me finish.

I want to keep her outside of.

The dog so we can't be mad at the dog for pooping on the rug when we're not being consistent. Good parents. So instead of yelling at the dog, you should be, like, dumb. Garrett, why don't you train her better? But you always left it to me. You were like, you train. You're the one in the beginning. This is like before we had kids. You were like, you're the wife. You train the dog. And I was like, I'm just gonna put it a doggy door. I feel like that's very good training.

That was amazing. The dogs were super trained back then. Remember this?

No, they were.

The Vegas house. That's not. They're not in the house. They were.

Yes.

No, not like, they were. Remember I had a doggy door built into the laundry room, and they would.

Go outside and they would point in my story.

Okay, continue.

Point of my story was like, you can't. Like, I literally let go of all judgment of little Chloe. I was like, look at her. She's just a cute old dog who wants to relieve herself on her rug. We could get mad at her, or we could commit to training her. I don't want to commit to training her, so I'm just going to commit to buy a new rug every couple years. When the pee smell and the poo smell gets so bad, I have to.

So bad.

So, you know what?

Is this your parenting strategy?

It is. I'm like, but if you tell us.

More about this parenting poo and pee strategy, we're just going to let them enjoy themselves.

I just feel like I suck at being consistent, but I feel like I love my kids to death.

And I like, are you consistently inconsistent?

I am so inconsistent. I'm just like, what is the thing.

You'Re most inconsistent about as a mother? Not to the dog. To our children. I like your point where you went with the dog.

I suck at punishments.

Okay, talk more about this. This is a very important.

I am full of so many empty threads.

Okay, so give us an example of a recent empty thread.

Can somebody give me some parenting advice on this show? Cause I don't know.

Well, let's talk about it. I'm here to give you some parenting advice.

Oh, God.

Coming at you.

Oh, wow. Anyways, can Literally, if we had a phone, I'd call somebody in. Oh, I do. Hold on. Just kidding.

All right, give it to us. What is the thing that discipline. Talk us about your psychology of discipline of children, Because I'm very excited to hear this. What is your. Do you have a premise? Do you have a psychological framework that you come from about disciplining our children?

You know what? I see a lot of parents who worry about the wrong kind of thing and they'll be so stern with their kids and even when kids are little and they'll be like, don't do that. And I'm like, that's like a 2 year old. He's the cutest thing ever. Who cares? Let him throw shit at people. That's fine. So I see that happen and I'm like, you look like, why are you yelling at your kid? Like, they seem so frazzled about things that I'm like, that doesn't. Why?

Give us an example. One thing to you that as a mother doesn't matter.

So many things.

Like to you, one thing where you're like, you know what? I've just succumbed that this is pissing and pooping underneath the dining room table strategy. This is the Chloe puppy strategy. We call it the puppy parenting strategy.

Kids are pretty good for the most part.

Like, but what is the thing that you're just like, hey, you know what?

I don't care. I'd say the hardest thing is like, well, one comparison or once it's time.

For you to be honest.

I know. I'm trying to think of examples. The only thing I could think of where I try to like, discipline. Our oldest daughter is like, she can't get out of bed in the morning. Like my little 7 year old like pops up, she's like, hi, Mom. Gets herself dressed and like she's just like, whatever. Like, she's ready to go. She's so easy. Like if I didn't have to get my older one ready, my little one is just like a breeze. I'm like, oh, such a. So, so easy breezy. And my. And same with like going to bed. Like she, my little seven year old, like, she's like, I'm tired. Mom just like goes lays down, closes her eyes. Like, just. I'm like, oh, I didn't have to tuck you in. Like you said you were tired. And she's always been like this. She's like the kid who falls asleep anywhere. Like you could be like, it's okay, it's a weekend stay up and you look over and she's like, passed out on the floor. Like, she's like, I surrender. So she's so easy. Like, there's no. Like, she'll even be like, I brushed my teeth and took a shower, Mom. I'm like, cool. Where's my 10 year old? I'm like, bailey, you need to go take a shower. Bailey, you need to go take a shower. Like, I can't. She doesn't. I don't even know how to parent her because I'm like, I asked her 75 million times, and then I'll. And then she's funny because I'll be like, bailey, if you don't go shower right now, I'm gonna. I'll, like, have, like, threats. Like, I'm gonna take away your phone. And so then I take away your phone. And she's like, mad for a second, and then she doesn't care. And I'm like, you don't care? You don't care? That punishment didn't work. So then I'm like, okay, Bailey, I'm gonna take away. I'm like, always thinking of things I can, like, take away. And until it gets to the point, I don't know if it's just cause she's not old enough, but she literally. She's just like, I don't care. She's so stubborn. I'm like, she's so sweet, but reminds.

Me of someone I know.

I don't know how to parent her. Who does she remind you of?

You.

I don't like to be parented.

I don't try to parent you. But you hate being told what to do ever. Do you think that our daughters. Your current parenting strategy is linked to how you want to be treated? So you don't like to be told what to do ever? I tried to tell you what to do. Not working. You've told me a big fuck you. Very much. Like the whole marriage.

Get it done.

So you think that Bailey understands this? That she's, like, tapped into your strategy?

I'm having so many flashbacks of when.

I was like, yeah, well, you were a complete madhouse.

Like, it's like when you were a kid. I think it's karma.

I grew up in a toilet.

My parents are living or listening to this show. They belong.

Parents are living.

But you know what? Bailey is an interesting mix of, like, both you and me. So, like, I would be very, like, I wouldn't do stuff, but I don't fly off the handle either. I'm not like, whatever, screw you, mom. I'll be late. I'd just be like, I'm not gonna get up. And I just had this kind of, like, I don't care attitude, and I'll figure out life.

It's like, Ruby.

Yeah. No, Ruby's so sweet and easy.

Yeah, but if Ruby gets into little asshole mode, she digs in.

She's so sweet and easy.

She is sweet and easy. 90% of the time.

Like, 90% I have to deal with her.

I only get, like, the huge engagement when she's 10% meltdown.

But, like, Bailey is like, she. She's like me. So she's, like, stubborn and doesn't want to be told what to do. And if you give her, like, time frames and timelines, she's kind of like, no. It makes her want to do it, like, less. So I have to, like. I don't even know how to go about it. And then, like, she'll be like, I feel like this is, like a venting show for me.

I think you should keep going.

I don't have any value for anybody.

Because women are finding out very quickly they're not alone. Ladies, you're not alone. You're not. I'm going to share here my 2 cents on this in a second.

A friend was like, you should read the Defiant Child. And everybody's always wrecking.

Is that a book?

Yeah. And everybody's always reckon mending a to me. And I'm like, I was thinking of the strategy of duct taping her to her.

Have you heard of the duct tape your child strategy?

I don't know.

Whatever. You would never do that. You would never do that.

I know.

You don't even like discipline.

I know I don't, but I was just trying to say, like, she's like me, but then she's like you. She flies off the handle, and I'm like, oh, my God. Like, the Hulk came out. And then. And it just keeps escalating, and I literally have to be like. There's times where I have to be like. So I don't freak out. I'm like, go to your room. Go to your room. Because she emotionally, like, pops her lid. Easy. You know what I mean? So she's, like, defiant, but then she's like, snaps easy. And that's how you are, too. Like, you just flip your lid. Easy. So it's like how you approach. Even you. I've had to learn, like, kind of a song and a dance around how to how and when to approach something to where you don't feel like you're being attacked or triggered or things like that. And some. Because a lot of times that's not my intention, but that's how I come across. And I don't mean to. So I literally have to say, sit back and think how I approach something. And she's. She's a child that I'm like, okay, how do I approach it with her? And there's things I found that work and things that I found that don't work. And what have you found that works? I found that works is social time. So, like, obviously, when she's in school, I'm not in charge of her, like, recess and social time and things like that. So I'll say to her, I'll say, bailey, if you don't finish your homework or if you don't get this done, I will. I have no problem telling your teacher to hold you in at recess. And. And then I feel bad because she'll be mad at teacher and be like, my teacher's an idiot. And I'm like, I gave your teacher permission to do so. Because I know she hates missing out on social time. You can literally take away everything. And she's like, I don't care. Even though I think she's kind of our bougie kid and likes nice things. You can take everything away. And she's like, doesn't bug me. And it legitimately doesn't. She's just like, whatever. And. But then social time, she very much feeds off that. So I'll be like, but. And then there's time where I'm like, I want to take away sports and things like that, but I'm like, oh, I can't do. I can't pull away the team player. Then it affects all the kids. You know, I can't pull her out of the play because then it affects all the kids.

Right.

So I'm always trying to find things. Okay, how? Like, so recess is literally the only thing that I have found where I'm like, she's like. And she gets her homework done, or, like, gets. Cooperates with me.

So literally, you have no parenting strategy?

No, I just wanted to vent. So thank you, ladies. Can I get an amen for ladies out there?

Amen. So here's what I have noticed has occurred for us. That's a very interesting experience that has occurred for us, which is the following, which is. My wife and I tend to have this thing. We're gonna talk about the challenge of conflicting parental strategies. So Bailey will have some meltdowns. She'll have some problems. She doesn't wanna listen. Last night, I'LL give you an example.

We're sitting on the couch. You're not inconsistent either.

Stop it. Let me finish. You gotta share your parenting strategies for 12 minutes. Okay, I'm gonna share my. I'm gonna share my feedback to the parenting strategy by sharing a simple story. So last night, we're sitting on the couch watching this thing. My wife says to my daughter, stop hitting the volleyball in the living room. Okay? Now, my daughter does not listen. She doesn't care. She looks right at us. She just keeps kicking and hitting the ball. Now, I say to her, bailey, your mom just asked you, stop hitting the ball. Stop hitting the ball. She stops for half a second. She looks right at me. And then with these eyes, she hits the ball while looking at me and starts bouncing the ball again. I look at her again. I say, bailey, are you kidding me right now? Stop bouncing the ball.

She's not there?

No, she's there. All right? And then she looks right at me, and then bouncing again. Now I put down my laptop, and I get up to discipline. And now enters the problem. Danielle, what do you do?

Why are you throwing me under the bus?

I'm not throwing you under the bus. This is an issue that happens across the board. You do what? Tell me. I get up to handle it my way. My way is I start to get loud. My way is I start pick children up.

There's a nicer.

I start to carry them upstairs. I say, you have to stay in your room for an hour. But inevitably, there's this moment where you and I collide on parental strategy.

I just feel like you're more harsh than me. So, like, all I heard was. I didn't hear the whole thing. I just heard, stay in your room for an hour. And I was like, oh, my God, Chester, stay in her room for an hour. Because if she was hitting the volleyball and you're like, why don't you back me up?

But.

But you didn't even follow through with that.

I didn't follow through with that because you wanted her to come out of the room. You'd already broke my frame.

No, I didn't.

You did break my frame right in front of her. No, after she heard you.

It doesn't matter. After I was like, okay, fine. If you're going to keep her in the room, that's fine. And then you let her come out so you didn't stay consistent.

Listen, let's talk about how you like to break the frame, the parental frame.

I think we both break the parental frame.

Well, let's discuss Then we just. We. Because you don't want to talk about you. All right, so we break the parental frame. Why do you get triggered when I start to do things?

That's such a juggle. Like, and I have a kid being like, mom, can I have 50 bucks? No, you're crazy. You can't have 50 bucks going to dad. Dad. Mom said she won't give me 50. Like, I'm always. I would always try and play my parents against each other to get what I want.

You realize that we're paying your karma, but that. No. Yeah, you're karma.

I was, like, a bad kid.

Whatever you are, you're literally. Let's talk about this Karma king you. We're. I think we're reaping the benefits of your karma.

I'm gonna call your mom and ask about how if you were an angel.

Do you know that our girls steal money because of the karma of you stealing money from your father? Tell them about the money joke.

Why don't I hear about some of you being a little asshole when you were a kid?

I will. I'll tell you.

Why is everything on me?

Because it's fun. Today it's fun.

Why you gotta pick on me today?

I'm not picking on you. It's not a day to pick on you.

Yeah, it's not a day. You're right. It's not a day.

I'm gonna stop picking on you.

Collect yourself.

Tell them about the money stealing thing out of the jar, though.

Oh, no, you're not gonna tell me I found that.

Because this is the karma story that I'm gonna talk about.

No, I just. My dad had a big bank with lots of money in it. And one day I saw my brother fishing out dollars out of this bank, and I was like, there's dollars in that bank. And so I fished out dollars every day because I thought he was. And I saved up money and I would go buy pets at the pet store.

Our children end up with, like, stacks of cash. And they will come down to us and tell us, no, it's because we're paying the karmic deficit.

No, I think it's cute when Ruby comes down and she has, like, literally 150 bucks in cash. And she's like, mom, look, I got all this money. I'm like, oh, that's my money, Ruby. It's probably like the money the cleaners find. And then they. They kind of just start making a pile for me. And then I'll, like, take it. And she's like, no, no, it's mine. I found it. I was like, ruby, just because you found it doesn't mean it's yours. But you're cute. And then she'll be like, oh, well, can I have this LOL doll or blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, you don't have any money. She's all, no, no, the money I found, like, she does not get it.

No, literally, because she. Because she's learned from her older sister, which just blatantly steals money from my wallet. Steals my. This is the karma, though. This is the karma that I'm talking about. This is why, like, I believe that we get so many clogged toilets at our house because we're paying the doggy poop karma. Do you know what the doggy poop karma is?

Babe, I feel like you needed to finish up how.

I will.

I think we need to go back to.

We're gonna come back to it.

My parents, like, like, it's hard to disappoint. Like, you're going off left.

No, I'm not. You let me loop this thing back in. Doggy poop karma. In Orange county, when you walk your dog supposed to take a dog poop sack.

Does it throw Danielle under the bus day?

Like, take it easy and listen.

Sometimes I forget doggy poop sacks, and I just kick the dirt around it. It's fine.

We in our house are dealing with a very interesting game, because I swear to you, me and Danielle do not have much figured out with parenting except for a couple things. We have a couple things figured out with parenting. The thing that we don't have figured out with parenting is discipline with children. We do not have this figured out.

You know what we have figured out?

We do not have this figured out.

I feel like.

What do you feel like we've got figured out?

Family time. Connecting.

All right, I agree. I was building. Listen, I was trying to put us in the. So we could build the thing that we actually do. Amazing. Because, like, we're a show in a lot of areas.

Yeah. But, like, we'll do a lot of, like, family time. Like, family dates. And that's not just, like, taking kids and running around in different sports activities and, like, split. Like, I know a lot of families are, like, one kid takes here, one takes it. And maybe it's because we only have two kids, but we, like, every weekend. Like, our kids don't even have a ton of play dates. And I just. I. Because they have a lot of social time at school and things like that. And so, like, on the weekends, I, like, really want to do. I like to just have family time, especially when our kids are little. Because I feel like I know I'm going to lose that. And I know when they're going to be in junior high and high school, like, we're not going to have that family time. And so literally, Saturdays and Sundays, like, sometimes even this sounds bad, but, like, moms will text me and be like, hey, can someone so have a play date? And I'm like, I'm just not going to respond because I'm like, literally, like, no, I want to hang out with my little family. So.

So you think that. Is this. Is this a strong suit? You think of the White House, the White household, is our ability to spend quality time.

Totally. Like, we'll sit, we'll go. Like, yesterday we went to Ruby's Diner. We're sitting there playing games. Like, none of us are on phones. We're hanging out. Like, it's like fun, quality connecting time. And I think I've even been. We've been told by people like that see us interact. They're like, you guys are the cutest family. Or like, servers at restaurants. One time they were like, I just want to let you know, like, you know, you don't see that very much. And you guys are such a connected little family. So I may not be consistent, but I'm good at quality time. And my kids know that I, like, love them and I care for them, and, like, they definitely feel a lot of love and connection, I would say.

How much of this do you think is built from the fact that we were both actually, I don't know about you. I was raised in a pretty rigid routine growing up. You know, piano lessons at 5am, get up and read scriptures before school.

I think that was just like the Mormon way.

Like, it was like, we had like, a very. And I mean, kudos to my mom because I'm sure I was a complete shithead about most of it. We always had the thing, like, where you couldn't back talk. Like, if you back talked, you got smacked in the mouth. Like, I get it. I appreciate. I needed it for sure. But, like, it's created this interesting dilemma for me as a father because I'm sometimes not even sure how to respond to my children because my wife and I have such contradictory strategies for parenting. My game is very, like, in your face, let's go. Like, I get aggressive. I'm like, ah, let's go. And da, da, da, da, da. And I'll yell. Danielle obviously does not do this. And so at times, this causes a collision. And for a lot of years inside of a relationship, because we had such different parenting strategies, we kind of got to this, like, weird Switzerland place with our children, which was the only thing that we actually know we're both really good at as parents with our children, is connecting with our kids. Like, it's the only thing now. So much so that our daughter had the courage to share with us some things that happened here a couple weeks ago.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was, like, surprised. She told both of us.

She came straight to us. Now tell them what it was.

Oh, shit. Okay. Well, it was interesting because a couple weeks ago, she was, like, being sassy and acting a little entitled, and I was like, I'm taking away your phone. And anyway, she hadn't had a phone for a couple days, and it was like one of those things, like, where I said, like, I take things away, and she's mad for a minute, and then like, the next day she's like, man, I'm over it. And she. She had been in a lot of, like, group chats through school and things like that. And she's in the fifth grade, and she's in fifth grade. And I found there was times I'd be like, bailey, you need to do your homework. Or like, she was like, really? Like, all of a sudden, she was, like, really into this group thread, and she was like, always. And I found out she was kind of the conversation starter. She's super social, and she's always like, hey, whatcha doing? And stuff like that. Like, so she was. But then she'd spark it and everybody. So I'd be like, bailey. So it was fine, but I felt like it was almost like an un. What's the word I'm looking for? Unsupervised chat with everybody. You know what I mean?

Boys, girls.

And they're not gonna take it that far. They're not gonna take it that far, obviously, because it's a huge group chat and that kind of thing. But anyways, so long story short, I took away her phone, and she still doesn't have a phone right now.

That's cause I threw it in a swimming pool.

She was being a little mouthy.

So how did you feel about that when I threw it in the swimming pool?

Well, long story short, she was literally like. She had flipped her lid. And she was like, you're such a shit mom. I'm like, I swear, if you call me a shit one more time, I'm checking your phone. And it had a Little case on it, but not a great case. And I like, she said it and before I knew it, I went, bah. And I threw it harder than I anticipated. But I think I got triggered because she had called me a shit for the 17th time. And I'm like, like, don't say that word. And she called. It was directed towards me. So I chuck it across the room and I hear it kind of break.

I'm.

Oh, shit, I forgot it's not a very good case. And I'm thinking like, I just bought her that brand new iPhone for Christmas, so I didn't clearly think that through. So I pick it up and it's still working. But the back, the new iPhones are glass in the back is totally cracked.

Shattered.

Yeah. And then I'm like feeling bad and I'm like, oh, shit, I really broke it. And she comes down. Then she goes off again. She's like, oh, the worst mom ever. Blah, blah, blah. And she's going crazy. So I call Garrett and I put it on speaker. I'm like, your dad's listening to you, just so you, you know. Because she knows he's like the more mean authority guy. So Garrett comes home. I think you're on your way home. Anyway, Garrett comes home and she's still being a little like, mouthy. And when she gets like that, I'm like, go in your room, go in your room. But I'm. She's too. She's almost my size. Like she's a super tall 11 year old. And I'm like, oh my God. Like, I can't physically, like, take her in her room anymore. And so Garrett is like always like, she's gonna be bigger than you one day. And I'm like, I know. I'm not like worried about her being bigger than me. I'm 5:3, but everybody's bigger than me. So anyways, long story short, Garrett comes home, grabs her phone, what little bit of it was working, and he's like, throws it over the balcony. We have a pool at our house. Lands in the pool. She's like, now it's for sure broken. You guys hate me. Life's over. So I'm like, oh my God. And if anybody's listening to this and you have like little junior high kids or fifth, sixth, seventh, you, you know, like the. The drama fest that goes on. So anyway, long story short, like the next day I get a weird text from my sister and she's like, oh my God. Did you know that people in like fifth and sixth grade are already Sexting. And I'm like, no, they're not in fifth grade. That's gross. And she's like, no, look. And. And there was, like, a report where.

Like, was this a report in Europe and London?

No, no, no. It was in Utah. It was my little sister who's not even a mom.

Oh, so some. Caitlin.

So, yeah, so she goes, Caitlin. She goes. A fifth grade teacher sent, said. Had everybody fill out on the back of a little card saying, what's something that your parents don't know about you that happens through cell phones or technology? And a lot of the kids were saying, like, inappropriate photos, sexting. And this was, like, in fifth grade. And I'm like, oh, my God, it's already starting. And so anyway, I don't say anything to Bailey because I'm thinking, like, I don't want to put that in her mind, you know, if she's not really aware yet.

Right.

And then literally the next day, she goes, oh, my gosh, guess what, Mom? I'm like, what? And she goes, a friend came to school, and she said that a little boy. Like, a boy asked. He said, I'll send you a picture of mine if you send me a picture of yours. And I'm like, like private areas? And she's like, yes. And I was like. I'm like, did you see the text? And she goes, yes. My friend showed me the text. Not of the photo, because I guess a photo actually didn't get sent or something.

The photo did get sent.

Bailey didn't see the photo.

She said there was a penis picture.

No, she didn't.

A dick pic got sent?

No.

She had this conversation. Nope. Me and Parker had the conversation.

She told me there was no photo.

There was a photo that was sent. He sent a picture of his penis to his girlfriend.

I don't think it got sent.

It happened.

Okay, well, then I guess I need to come more clear, because she's right.

Well, she had the debrief with me and Parker. Parker's. Her older brother, is 18, almost 19 years old.

She told me that she did not see a photo, but immediately went to.

I don't think she saw the photo, but her friend said that there was a photo sent, and he was saying. Telling her to send a picture back.

That's what it was. But she told me she didn't see a photo.

She didn't. Well, she didn't see a picture of a penis.

Yeah, she said there. There was text there, but she didn't see the photo. But anyway, so she. Bailey was the one that was like, we need to tell the teacher that's not appropriate. Not. And I was like, that's a good move, Bailey. So anyways, they went and told the teacher and the. I'm sure the parents and the teachers and the principal and everybody had a conversation. But I said, bailey, you know, that's not okay. She's like, oh, I know. I flipped the kid off. I was like, well, that's not okay either. But. And she. I. But I was like, ew. Like, oh. Like, that's already going on.

It opened up an interesting conversation. So me and her older brother Parker, who now lives with us, almost 19, he's from my first marriage. So Parker and I were having a conversation with her about this thing. And he's sitting there and he's just like, dude, I can't believe this stuff's, like, happening in the fifth grade. He's like, this stuff was happening, like, you know, late junior high. He's into graduate from high school, college age. And we were talking with Bailey about it going back and forth. And a couple of the conversations we were having with Bailey about it was just the overall problem of the fact that it's happening more and more and more. And we started asking her, you know, our kids talking about sex, are they talking about this? She's like, yeah. It's like boys and girls are starting to talk about it, and there's like, couple couples, and they like, talk about having sleepovers, and we're like, like, boy and girl. And she's like, yeah. Like, the parents don't know, but their parents are like friends. And so they have a sleepover and then there's like, these things happening. And I'm sitting there the whole time, and the only thing that I'm thinking is this. I'm thinking, it is absolutely fantastic that my daughter is so open and willing to have a conversation with me, her brother, and her mother, and that she's willing to have an open conversation about it at school. Right. Because so much of what you and I have been trained as adults is we've been trained to stuff everything down. We've been trained to not talk about the truth. We've been trained to not talk about reality. We've been trained to talk about everything that is not real. We talk about superficial shit. We talk about what's going on around us. And so I was sitting there one day with a guy I know, his name is Joel Portman. And he shared something with me about parenting. And he's very passionate about parenting. His ex wife and him and then his ex wife passed away, and there was this big fight for the kids and these legal battles, et cetera. And he said, amidst all the things that I went through with my children, here's the one thing that I know for certain. My responsibility as a father is to empower my children to be able to take care of themselves. He's like, a lot of people think it's their job as a parent to actually do for their children. He's like, I come from a totally different frame. My frame says that my responsibility as a father is to empower, teach, and train my children, to give them the mindsets and skills that's necessary to take care of themselves. And so amidst all of the fact that Danielle and I have, like, very obvious dysfunction in our discipline skills when it comes to disciplining our children or obviously disciplining our dog, the one thing that we do have is that we have deep connection with our children.

Yeah, sweet kids and a sweet dog.

We have a sweet dog that shits on our rug. And we have children who still say shit to your face and end up with a cell phone in the pool. But the one thing that I was worried about as a father was the courage, giving the space, and creating the space where my children could be emotionally honest with us in our home. And this means being able to talk to us about hard things. Bailey came home and asked me about sex here about six months ago, five months ago, four months ago, some time ago.

Don't you remember fifth grade? I remember fifth grade.

You remember this?

That was the year that all of a sudden, you stopped playing kickball at recess, and there's, like, huddles of boys and girls. And I remember conversations coming up and kids being like, do you have hair there? Do you have hair there? Do you? You know, and then just like, I think that's when it all starts. And so even though, like, technology and, like, all that is going on, I still think it was, at some level, like, happening. Do you know what I mean?

Well, the conversations were happening, but now there's a. There's an ability to do things with technology that you. Like, we never. No boy's gonna walk up to a girl and like, hey, I'll show you mine. Let me show you my penis. You show me your vagina.

You never know, like, in a. In a situation where, like, you were. How you say you had a sleepover and there was an older brother or something. You know what I mean? Like, stuff like that.

I mean, there's always been something like that happening, but I mean, technology has created a whole different space. For now, you get. You get parents who are like, this is a conversation.

I feel like I'm kind of like an overly protective parent. Like, I'm not aloof when it comes to anything. And I think that probably a lot of moms are like, oh, she's just an anxious mom or she's a little crazy. But, like, I'm totally cool with being the crazy mom because I want to. Like, I feel like when my kids are this little and even in junior high, like, this is the time when you need to protect them the most. And as much as I want to give them, like, freedom to explore and things like that, if I. If I'm a little bit overbearing, like, I kind of, like, don't care because I'm like, you never know. Like, even for example, like, bae, she's in fifth grade, but I'm still like, I always want to know where she's at, what she's doing. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm not comfortable with her just, like, roaming around the mall. And it's not that I don't trust her, but it's like, what if she splits off or somebody goes the bathroom and there's some creepy guy and it's like, hey, yeah, you can use my cell phone. Your last. You know, you never know. And so I always feel like I. This. I mean, it's kind of off topic, but I always feel like I'm, like, the crazy mom who's, like, a little bit anxious, and it's like this balance of trying to find, like, okay, I want to give my child some space and some freedom and, like, socialize. But I also, like, I can't. Like, I'm not really. I feel like I'm like, I have this duty to kind of protect them in this sensitive phase of their life.

I agree with you.

I don't know.

I agree with you. And again, coming back to the discipline side, we still are trying to figure out a rhythm on how to actually discipline or create structure and not frame with our children. But the one thing I can tell you is we do have a structure around a lot of things, and one of which is open communication. Very open communication with our kids, both our daughters as well as my son. Very open communication. We talk about there's no topic that's taboo. We don't try to hide fights in front of our children. If Danielle and I are fighting, we fight. If we're disagreeing, we disagree. If there's debate, we're Debate. If we're passionate, we're passionate. Like, there is. There's just not a lot of filtering in our house that goes around. So our kids are exposed to a reality check for how life is now amidst.

I feel like we fight a lot in front of them. I mean, sometimes we'll get in arguments, but I don't feel like we let it, like, escalate too, too much with kids around.

Our kids have seen us in full blown, Full blown yelling matches, full blown. I don't feel like they even threw notes down off the balcony one time telling us not to fight. Don't you remember this?

Yeah, but that's only happened like, once or twice.

It's only happened a couple. I'm not like, we're having these fights every single week. You don't feel bad about it?

No, I wasn't, but I was like, I feel like I was just thinking, like, when you're like, we fight in front of my eyes. Like, I actually. When you're like, we don't filter. I was thinking, like, there's been times we've been in the car and because the kids are in the car, I have filtered. I don't know if you have, but I've been like, I don't filter. I've. I'm sure you don't, but I've been like, I don't really care. I'm not gonna let it go there. And so I'll kind of just drop it and be like, whatever, and I'll just like, leave it be. And a lot of times, like, we'll cool off and we can re. Approach the conversation later. So maybe you don't filter. I do tone it down just a little bit, because I don't.

Oh, sure. But I'm saying, like, I saw my parents fight twice. How many times did you see your parents fight in front of you or disagree passionately?

I remember a handful of times.

I mean, I remember my parents fighting twice in front of me my whole life. And then when I got married, there was this completely, like, this shock to me that fighting was a regular thing in marriage. Debate, conversation. Disagreement was a regular thing. And I was not prepared, I was not prepared as a child for the conflict to become in a relationship. I had no idea because my perception of what happened in a relationship was very different than what was going on behind the closed doors. I didn't know what was going on behind the closed doors. I didn't realize how frustrated my mom was. I didn't realize how frustrated my. My dad was. I had no idea. I just figured, well, this is like how life is and it is what it is. And there we go. And then I got married and I was like, what the fuck is this? Like, this is totally different than what I was sold. Like, what I was sold was this picture I'd seen of behavior with the adults in my life. And so all I'm saying inside of this is Danielle and I do the very best we can to be able to create an environment for our children to experience reality. Because in my opinion, it comes down to the experience of this, which is I need to know that my children can take care of themselves. I need to know that my daughter has the power to take a stand for herself when I'm not around. But I can't be there all the time. Danielle's like, in the place with her too, and I get it. And even there, like, there's going to come a moment. Danielle's not going to be around. Danielle's not going to be able to control what she does, what she doesn't do. And Bailey and the kids are going to have to learn how to take care of themselves. Parker's going to have to take care of himself. Bailey, Ruby are going to have to take care of themselves. And so our question, one of the questions I'm posing to you right now is what exactly is your commitment to your children? Because you're not going to win all the wars. You're not going to win all the wars. It's not going to work. Like, you will never win every category. And if you do, what you'll ended up with is a very sedated child who is doing a shitload of stuff behind your back. I know this, I see this, I watch this. I experience this with children of my clients. I experienced this even with my son, who was raised in a very, very, very, very rigid environment. And then maybe I look a little more loosey goosey to the experience. And now he's here getting to experience another side of life with me that he didn't get to experience for a bunch of his life and is a whole other part of him is starting to come out. So our summary on this for this topic about the whole parenting equation, at least for today, comes down to this idea of connection, which is, hey, you can fuck everything else up, but if.

You'Re connected, you're fine.

But imagine this. Imagine having all of the ducks in a row, which a lot of families do around, very strict families who have all the ducks in the road, but they have very little trust and Connection. Their kids don't trust them.

The kids, yeah, for sure. You never know. That could always backfire, I feel like, because. Yeah, I think if you don't have that love and that connection, you can't. Yeah, it's. You're. I don't know. It does something to a kid. You can tell.

You watch it happen. They, like, I. With almost no exception, children who were raised in a very rigid environment where it's my way or the highway inevitably go off the. Off the cliff. Like, they just do. They choose a path. And most of them, for 10 years, they choose a path of, hey, here it is. Like, people came to me and they said, hey, listen, you're raising your kids. I have had my mother say it to me. I've had other people say, hey, you're really creating a lot of problems for yourself. I said, you're going to create problems as a parent, regardless who says we're.

Creating a lot of problems over time.

Because of how we're not disciplining our children.

I think you got to be honest with me, though, because there's been times that you have straight up come to me and you're like, I think we're fucking up our kids. And I'm like, why? I'm like, why do you feel that way?

And I feel like it because just.

Being entitled assholes and this and this and this. I'm like, I get it. We don't have great follow up. I'm like, but like, I just feel like we have. We have to take it on account. Like, yeah, Bailey does come and tell us a lot. And, like, she wants to, like, hang out with us. I mean, I know she's only 11, but still, like, she's. I think she's like, as you, despite. She's kind of my hard kid. She's like such a sweetheart too, you know?

So they said. I have had those feelings because I sit and I watch, you know, where we are, where we live, our environment, the game we're in, et cetera. I think my big fear is I get into a place of.

I think that's what's hard for me is sometimes I feel like you're hard on her. And I'm like, why are you being so hard on her? Because you're worried she's gonna be like this entitled little asshole? I'm like, it's kind of for me. I'm like, it seems kind of early to judge that based on, like, how we live. And the other thing, too, is, like, I felt like where I lived growing up was very, like, well off. And we lived in, like, I would say, middle to upper class, and we were always taken care of. And yet I always saw my parents work. My mom didn't have to, but she always worked, and my dad always worked, and they were both entrepreneurs. And. And I remember, like, I always wanted to work because I saw that. And I noticed that in. In our older daughter as well, is like, she's always like, mom, I want to create this, I want to work this, I want to figure out this. And I'm like, I think that she'll take that into. Into her years, or when she's older, she'll take these things she saw in us and things that I'm already seeing in her. And I think she'll. I think we don't sometimes give ourselves enough credit is like, we're not fucking it up. And so sometimes when I see you be hard on her, and I'm like, chill out. Like, don't. Who. Where. Why are you assuming she's going to be a little asshole? Like, every kid, regardless of your financial, like, situation or where you live or where you're at or what home we've ever lived in, our kids have always been an entitled asshole at some point. That's not a status thing. That's not, like, based on where you live or how much income you bring in. Kids can be entitled assholes.

You think all children are entitled.

All children can be entitled assholes. And so I think I would see you judge her and you were worried about, like, us having the success, that that's why she was an entitled. And I was like, I'm pretty certain that all kids are entitled at some point. So I. That was hard for me to watch. And. And so I would be like, garrett, like, calm it down. Like, it's fine. Like, calm it down. Or you'd say things like, you know how many times my mom would beat my ass? And I would be like, I. I was like, I don't. I was like, I don't know if that's effective either. And I'm not saying, like, I know the right way to do things, but I'm like, I don't think we should rehash our past in order to figure out what works. And so I kind of go into parenting with the strategy of, like, I'm just gonna figure it out as I go. And I don't know if that's a good path or a right path or a wrong path, but that's just kind of how I work.

Well, I have sat in an interesting situation on this topic, which is. You're right. And what I mean is. Yes, Dun, dun, dun, dun. You better raise your hand up because there we go. Dun, dun, dun, dun. And I do get a little paranoid as a father, right, because of what I. Because of what I see happen to adults. And a lot of way, the way they experience their life as adults comes down to how they were raised and what they saw as a kid. And then we run big events and trainings across multiple different companies. And inside of these trainings, I get to see adults who are pretty fucked up. They've got a lot of challenges in life right now with the way they think because of what they saw growing up. And I'm in Orange County, California, and I watch kids here who have been raised in abundance and they're working at the sandwich shop at 36 and certainly surfing every day and wondering how the fuck things are gonna work out.

Don't you think, like, I personally, like.

Think you think that that's okay?

No, no, I don't think that's okay. But I think that where we are at and what we've experienced, I think that our kids would want the same and they would want to figure out how to do it because they've been exposed to that lifestyle. I mean, I could be wrong, and I'm sure everybody's situation is different, but I would just. I don't. I don't believe that. I feel like I look at the person in the sandwich shop who's like, 30. I'm like, okay. Like, maybe. Maybe you had parents who didn't really do a lot either, and that was like your status quo. That's where you wanted to go.

Could be.

I don't know. I'm not. I'm not saying that's true or it's not true. I'm just saying, like, we can't judge them and say, oh, you had parents or the parents that were super successful and that's why you're a lazy, entitled asshole at the sandwich shop. And my daughter's gonna be at the sandwich shop. Like, we don't know people's stories. And so. So I don't know. It's hard to say what works and what doesn't.

You're totally right. I mean, I literally just allow my mind to go away.

Even with. Yes. And even with, like, Parker, you'll be like, I'm worried he's not a hard worker. And I'm like, he's 19. I'm pretty sure none of us were hard workers at 19.

I was a hard worker. 19.

I. I was. You were?

Yeah.

Were you?

Yep.

You were?

I was.

But did you have life all figured out?

100%. I knew exactly I'd be hearing this podcast like, you know, 22 years later with the hottest woman on the planet.

I'm sure you always had. Yeah. You always. Because you're. I was a worker or a worker.

I worked hard. It's because I had a paper out when I was young.

Did you work because you had to, like, I had to.

To get money.

I know. See, so that's the thing is you want, you probably wanted things and I'm sure even like school clothes.

I'm sure if my mom and dad had gave me $250, $400 a month, I probably wouldn't have done the paper route.

That's what I'm saying. Like, some kids, like, maybe we should.

Take away all the money.

Some of their parents are like, I'm not buying your school clothes. And like, obviously if you're at a private school and your kids are young, you're not going to make your 6 year old go to a paper route to earn their clothes. But, but like, I get it. Like, I remember when I got into high school and this time to do with, well, it kind of has something to do with parenting, but I remember getting into high school and I'd be like, mom, I need more clothes, like for school. And she'd be like, I bought you some. I'm like, no, I need any more. You buy me enough. And they would make me work to earn money. They were like, you don't need more clothes. You have the basics, you'll be fine. And I was like, no, no, I need these pants. And they were like, no. And they had the money to give it to me, but they would say no. Like, they would provide me with the basics. Whereas I think your parents didn't even provide you with the basics. They were like, here's a hand me down. And maybe it's because they couldn't. And so you were forced in this place where you're like, well, I want, I need some shoes. Or I want some shoes.

We got $50 a year for school goals. I never felt like I went for want in my house. Like, I never felt like my parents. It's not even my parents. I wasn't raised in a van down by the river. We always had food, we always had amazing. We always had amazing situation. But what I didn't have was money and my parents didn't have money. So, like, to go to work and to get money is a hustle. And this is like something that, that entrepreneurs that I'm around all the time are constantly stressed about. How do I transition the work ethic to my children that I established that built what we have as far as an empire and a kingdom right now? How do I instill that in our children in the next generation?

Here's a question that I would pose, because here's what I'm looking at. There's a lot of wealthy families in Orange county. And I'll see men or women that are my age and they're freaking. I know, like, where they live. And I'm like, I know you didn't get there on your own. And you come from money, family money. And so then I have a hard time, like, not wanting to judge them, like, and be like, she didn't work for that. Do you know what I mean?

Right.

And so. But then I'm like, I look at where we're at and the path, like, where we're going, and I'm like, ooh, like, I would want to help my kids, but at what point are you like. And I'm not meaning help my kids in like, oh, I'm gonna buy you like a million dollar home somewhere. I mean, like, hey, I need like, with Parker. He's working for you right now. So if I, If I have a daughter who, who legitimately has valid skill sets and wants to work for me, and I would pay somebody else to do the exact same thing, then it's, it's. It becomes this weird thing because people, I'm sure look at those people and they're like, oh, you just said you. You fucking married, so and so. And they have family wealth and. And it's hard for probably even those kids because they're like, well, I'm still doing the work. I still have this job. And I was born in a fortunate, fortunate situation where, yeah, I did get the job because I was the son, but I'm doing the same work that anybody else would have done that they could have hired. Does that make sense?

Yep.

And so it's like, we want to judge based on, like, what people have and what their parenting strategies are and what. But who are we to judge if, like, we don't know? We don't know. Like, because I, like, I said I had a hard time with that. Like, you were just in the family with money, but I would give my daughter a job in a heartbeat if I knew she could do the same job. I was gonna hire somebody Else and give her an opportunity versus somebody else. Why would I not do that?

I agree with you.

So. I know you do because you just hired your son. And so then it's like, well, are we favoring our children? Are they really doing the work that we want them to do?

I believe they are. Well, I believe my son is. He doesn't work for me. He works for me, but he works for my team.

So you're giving him a chance right.

Now to earn his right, to earn his way.

And what if he doesn't?

Then we fire him.

Okay. I'm excited to see where this goes.

I say that now. We'll see where this goes.

Yeah, you said that. That's what I'm saying. Like that's, I'm sure that's a hard as a parent too. You're like, why doesn't my kid have the work ethic that I do?

Thus far he's demonstrating severe intensity in the game. Like we're very happy with it. What we're seeing, like he's working his ass off. He was even excited about getting up at 6:30 this morning. Go surfing. He's been excited all day long. Why are you doing the funny grand?

Because I'm just laughing because, like, here's the thing that I'm sure I will face too. And maybe with Bailey or somebody else or whatever is, it's like, it's like anybody else would just like leap with the opportunity to be on our teams. And so when you hire your son and he's excited, but like if you hired somebody else that you better believe they'd be up every morning surfing like six, eight, because they feel like they really needed to prove themselves. There's this element of like proving yourself with time, proving yourself by like doing all the extra things too. But it would be hard as a father feeling like you missed out on all this time with your son and just so grateful and excited that he's here with you and have this opportunity to teach him at the same time. Like, like he has to pull his workload. And so it's like this balance, you know what I mean? And you haven't hit that crossroads yet. But I'm have a talk with Parker.

You're going to have a little talk.

I'm going to kick him in the nuts a little bit.

Are you?

No, because I don't want to do that. But I will have a talk with him.

You're going to have a little.

I'm going to have a straight talk with him and just let him know that the opportunity to be here is that he. I'm just. I wanted to explain to him the opportunity he has to be here. I mean, we paid for a whole year of his school. And then he said, I think I want to come work for you. And you're like, sure, like, if that's what you want to do. And he decided he wanted to do that, but there was no consequence for him not finishing out school. And not to say that there should be, but I need. But he should understand the magnitude of, like, we paid like, X amount of dollars. It wasn't his money, it was ours. So it's easy to throw that away and say, I'm done. I want to come here when it's not your money. If it were his money or he had loans, I think he would have at least finished out the year. Which I'm not saying that's bad or good. I'm not saying he should have finished out the year. He shouldn't or it mattered. But I'm just bringing up to the point that I would. I would love to have a sit down with him and be like, I.

Want you having a sit down.

I want you to have the. I want him to have a reality check. Like, dude, you better be fucking grateful. Like, I know that you want to be a part of his life and. And you're like, oh, I'm excited to be with my dad, but you better understand as a business aspect, the fact that we covered the school and then you got hired on the team, like. Like, there's guys that would kill for that that have been in Warrior forever. And I think this is a great experience for you and your son to, like, bond. But I also want him to know, like, this is an amazing opportunity and you should treat it as if, you know. And it's different for me. Cause he's not my son and I didn't raise him. So it's like, if I could play an active role in it, it would just be like kind of a support system. But also like, okay, are you gonna.

Drop the hammer tonight?

I don't. My version of dropping the hammer is very loving straight talk.

Are you gonna do this tonight? Are we having this talk today?

No, it's got. I don't like to, like. I like to do it when, like. No, I like to do it when, like, nobody's expecting, like, he. He'll come home sometimes and, like, you're still working. I'm like, oh, how was work? Good. And I'm like, cool. And I just slowly start talking to Him. And then, like, next thing you know, I'm like, bam.

And he's like, oh, yep, you've already done this before.

No, I'll just casually.

Like you're gonna casually bring it up?

I just casually bring it up.

All right, well, you know, we're kind of coming to the end of this show. All right, and our summary in today's conversation is this. You need to pick what your battles are. Literally, as a parent, you're not gonna win them all. You're not gonna win all the wars. You're not gonna win all the conversations. And also inside of this, you don't wanna win them. Like, you and I and all of us are, as parents, doing the very best we can to try to create for our children and try to create a game that makes sense for our kids and makes sense for us as parents. We are not perfect here in this. We've never professed to be. We don't plan to have or pretend like we have all the answers. One thing we all do have is the communication and the opportunity to share. And the one thing we have figured out as a couple is how to actually get connected with our children and allow our children to feel that we are a safe place to talk, We're a place that we can come to, and that there's a place of truth that exists in communication between our children and us. Yes, we may have the nighttime routine nailed down. Yes, the morning routine at times may be a shit show. Yes, there may be some opportunities where I'm throwing cell phones into the swimming pool. But amidst all of the chaos on the outside, the one thing that's staying true on the inside is the fact that we are staying true. And that is that our kids can communicate with us. They can come to us, they can talk to us, they can communicate the truth to us. And that we've been able to do that at a deep level with our children also. And it was. We're improving on the outside. The thing I want to challenge you to figure out is what is the thing that actually matters for you when you sit back and look at all the parenting, understanding? You're never going to have a perfect situation, no matter what you try to do, you're never going to have it all figured out. You're never going to nail down every single ass aspect of the parenting game with your children. What are the parts of parenting that actually matter to you? And that's gonna be our topic for this week's date night is you and your spouse sitting down, having a conversation what is a part inside of our relationship with our children? What are the things that are non negotiable for us, the things that we are going to battle hard on and what are all the other things that would be nice to have. But we're going to let them go and let them slide and. Or we're just going to focus all of our energy on our main commitments.

What's our commitments for this week?

What is our commitment for this week?

Yeah.

We are going to connect with our children again like we always do.

Okay.

But we're gonna do a specific. I think we need to start bringing in specific teachings every week. Principles. So we're gonna take all the kids out. Parker, Bailey and Ruby, we're gonna have a family date night and we're gonna talk about the principle of gratitude.

Okay. Really?

Yes. We're gonna do this because it ties into exactly what you just said. You wanna kick Parker and the balls on it. We get to talk about it.

I don't really want to kick him in the balls on to bring it to his awareness.

I got it. I call that cake in the balls. Right. But inside that. We're going to have our one conversation this week and our conversation will be around what gratitude because of opportunities have been given to us and opportunities to grow. You asked me what it was. There it is.

Okay. I like it. I've noticed too on a topic of communication because that is our strength. I would say with our children, I feel like. And that quality time is. I've noticed even like cousins and other people outside of the family feel like they can come to us and we're like the cool parents.

Everybody comes.

Yeah. And they can like hey, be like, hey, I need to share something with them. Even like, like siblings and things like that. People are. We're always like the safe. The safe place to like tell things to you. And I don't know if it's because we're kind of pretty open people or what it is, but I mean that to me, I'm like, that's cool. That people feel like we're a place where they can come and communicate and share things with. So anyway, there you go.

That's the end of the show. That brings to the conclusion of episode number 12 here in the date your wife podcast series again for all of the show notes, tips, tricks and questions to all of these games here inside of the date your wife experience, you can always head over to dateyourwifenow.com you can pick up the action guides, the show notes as well as all the history through video audio. If you'd like to watch us, that's where you'll pick up the videos. Also, you'll be able to download the audios inside of any of our iTunes, Google Play, SoundCloud, or Stitcher. You can subscribe to the show there and listen up. Your challenge for the week, again is to decide what is the part that you're actually going to fight with inside of your relationship with your children? Meaning what is the thing that matters the most to you guys? And what is the piece that you're committed to creating? And what are the things that maybe might be sitting backseat to that primary commitment? We'll be back next week here with the topic of communication, which will be our discussion. And I am confident that Danielle will be breaking out some astrology charts and we'll be talking some more because we found out this last week she was a logistician.

Yeah, I took another personality chart.

Oh, another one.

We're gonna talk about another 3%.

3%. She's a special, special person inside of the game. Thanks so much for being here, guys. Have a great rest of your week, and we will talk to you next week.