Does Couples therapy work?

Well, we just want to give them a quick tip just in case they didn't get. Oh, there's that little quick tip.

Just the tip.

Give them just a little tip just in case they didn't, you know, have time for the whole show.

Moving on.

Okay, here's a tip for you.

Let's. Let's add some real conversation value.

Well, it's there. Welcome to another episode here of the day you want podcast. Today we're going to talk about why sex toys will not fix your sex life.

That's not what we're talking about.

That's what we're talking about. We're gonna do a real quick one of that.

Do you know why do you always have to talk about sex?

Because it's a topic on the mind for 99 of men and it's what they think about most of the time. Most of their efforts are done to get a penis in the vagina.

Huh.

If guys are honest. This is whether. I don't care how Christiany they are. I, I read the Bible. I'm a Christian. Great.

But at the end of the day.

How do I get even? All the guys in the Bible want to put their penis in vaginas. This is the thing. God built man to put his penis and a vagina.

There you go.

Sex toys were not created by God. No, Those were man's version of trying to get it done. And I attempted that. I literally, for several years, thought the big problem in our bedroom was the fact that I didn't have sex toys.

I think you weren't confident in your skills.

I was not.

So you kept coming home with toys and I was like, I don't want. What is that?

I came home some weird, painful.

Those spikes.

I came home some weird. How do. How did you. How did you feel about that? When I started coming home with sex.

Toys, I was like, I was kind of turned off. I was like, that's what he thinks I want. I was kind of turned off. I was like, but I'm pretty open minded. I was like, well, give it a go. And then some were like, oh, that's nice. And some was like, that's never coming back.

I guess.

So, you know. So what are we really talking about?

Well, we just want to give them a quick tip just in case they didn't get that little quick tip.

Just the tip.

Just a little tip just in case they didn't, you know, have time for the whole.

Moving on.

Okay, here's a tip for you.

Let's. Let's add some real conversation Value.

Well, it's there. Okay, so we. We, in the spirit of sex and sex toys not being the answer to your problems.

You know what? Here's what I want to start this show off with. Because if you're a new listener and you're like, what the hell was that intro? That's really.

You're very inspired and you want to subscribe.

No, what you're thinking is, like, that was the hook, and now he's got my attention. But here's. I'll tell you. Garrett and I've been married for 20 years. Been together for 22 years. I met him when I was 18 years, 21 years.

Married this year.

21 years. When I noticed, I said, we've been together for 22 years. Just over 22 years. Been together almost 23. So I met you when I was 18 years old. We were both raised in a Mormon culture, got married super young, had two kids, pretty much did everything by the checkbox. And how we were told that we should do it and then lost everything after having two kids. And it really exposed us because what we thought, what we had done correct, which is like, get married in the temple, go work, do a kid, like, everything just came crashing down to how disconnected we were as a couple, which, when we were dating, like, we were really crazy about each other. Like, there was definitely, like, a lot of connection and chemistry. And so then it was like, this place where. That's where you started. Wake up, Warrior. That's where I started. The brand of natural beauty, row hair extensions. Because we were kind of, like, starting at the bottom. And so we started to build our companies, and in doing that simultaneously, was working on our marriage. And to be honest, in the beginning, I was in it because I was scared. I was feeling vulnerable. Just had our second baby. We had lost everything. I just found out you had an emotional affair with another woman. Like, it was, like, rock bottom for me. So fast forward to what you see now. $20 million house in Orange county, four, four, five kids. And things are really good. And people see the success that we have, and they're like, oh, well, it's just easy for them. And I'm like, but you didn't see how dark it got and how hard we both stayed in the fight. So that's really, like, what I want to introduce in this show is, like, now that I've got your attention, like, we share principles in this show that have worked for us and now have worked for thousands of other marriages inside of the warrior community and inside of my hair community. So our message has gone way bigger than just, you know, wake up, warrior, and even natural beauty. Rose. But now Rose really inspired to help other couples because there's been so many times where you and I could have called it quits, and I think that's the easy path. So we had to really, like, let go of the ego and let go of the checkbox and pretty much surrender everything to get to where we are at today, which I ultimately feel that we are called to serve other couples.

Amen. We're going to our first church couples conference this weekend. I know how you feeling about it.

I'm not social. But this just this year, I realized even though I'm super introverted, like, I. I can't just stay home all day. Like, I actually love connecting with people. So it's like a catch 22 because, like, it emotionally drains me, but it lights me on fire, too. Is that even possible? Like, I'll do, like, even when I'm not behind the chair as much anymore. But I genuinely loved doing hair so much. Not just for, like, the actual transformation of hair, but I loved connecting with women and hearing your stories. It, like, it, like, exhausted me and lit me up at the same time. I'd be, like, on fire and super tired. Like, it's like when you do an event and you're like, how can I feel, like, so on fire and so exhausted? So. But yeah, I. This just this year, I'm like, I need to. Even though it does drain me a little bit, the. The outcome is more positive with connecting with other humans.

Are you drinking a lot of tequila?

No, It's a church event. At the church conference, if it's Cancun.

Or Cabo, is Susan coming out?

No, if it's Cabo, Every time I'm in Cabo, I'm like, every time I'm in Cabo, I'm like, I'm going to keep it really reeled in. And then I get there. I'm like, why? That's why I'm here. This is the fun part of Cabo.

It's like opposite day. When you say that when you're going to Mexico, I'm just going to keep it real. Then this trip, I was like, yeah.

No. And then I remember. That's why I like going is to unleash and have fun.

Okay, so we're going to the church conference. You're not bringing out Susan. She's not going to do her stripper dancing.

I think, like, they frown upon that at a church function. So I need people to See that? This version of me and not.

Not stripper Susan, Stripper Susan was out in full force only for you in.

Cabo, not for a church function with others.

True. She's great. She's great.

She's great.

I mean, look at this. We're talking about going to a church conference while at the same time talking about your stripper.

You're welcome. Isn't that what every guy wants? He's like, I want my church going. Porn star.

That's what I want. Exactly. I want my. I want my Bible loving, Jesus loving, slutty wife.

Stripper.

Stripper. Yes.

Oh, man.

Guys are honest about it. That's what they want.

It's good. They don't want just the stripper or just the Jesus goer.

No, both are weird.

Okay? Both are weird.

Both are at two different extremes. One's like a savage. It's like a street. Street girl. And the other one is a saint who's a little too uptight.

You gotta mix those.

Hey, will you let go? Listen, how about you. How about we don't let Jesus take the wheel on this one? You let me take the wheel. Can I take the wheel on this one? Let's go. I'm about to. I'm about to have a blast with you. So there's these two extremes, saint and savage. And when they come together in the.

Middle, you know what?

The perfect blend of soul.

I used to, like, feel guilty for, like, a lot of things, like being raised in the culture that we were raised in, Even down to where I'm like, is this okay? Can I do this? And then I'm like, it's my husband. I can dance and have fun and drink tequila and do all the things and. And I'm not gonna, like, the next morning, me feeling a little bit hungover, be like, see, I shouldn't have done all those things. Instead, I'm like, oh, you drink too much and now you have a headache. Instead I'm like, that was awesome. I, like, got to unleash and have fun in ways that, in how I was raised, never could do or understand.

I'm telling you right now, the shit you and I do, 95% of the couples do not do well. They're not even remotely close to it.

Are you?

Well, you know, the way we. The way.

But I think it's because it's uncomfortable. I really do believe it's uncomfortable. And there's an immense amount of when you're uncomfortable that this guilt comes in. And so they're like, oh, see, I feel Guilty. So that's why. And you're like, no, you're just uncomfortable. Take the stick out of your ass and have a good time.

Like, you can't let you prove that it's possible.

Well, I just got, you know what? I got tired, like, for a while I was like, I am so tired of running in this box in this narrative of like, you shouldn't do this. And then I'm like, why? So I started asking myself, is the outcome better than like, the feeling? And I was like, yeah, I got to go to Cabo. We didn't go clubbing. We had, we just like hung out, went to dinner, went. Throwed a Frisbee on the beach, like, hunt. We just were fun together. I'm like, there's nothing dangerous about that. And like, there's a vulnerable piece of me that just has to like, let die and let go and be willing to just be like, woo, fuck it. And I, I, I don't have a problem with that. So I look at like, yeah, I had a little bit of a headache and I drank a lot that day. I'm like, but what we did that day was so fun and so worth it.

So fun.

And so that's why I'm like, I'm not going to sit in this space of like, you shouldn't have done that. I'm like, no, that was really awesome.

I love watching you free.

I like, that's, Yeah, I feel like I'm very free.

You're very, very sexually free now.

But I feel like I'm very, like, I am very free of like, I'm not. I don't feel like I judge other people. I feel like it's. That comes with like, just like a freeness in myself.

Well, you judge people. I don't judge as much.

I guess I should say I don't judge myself as much.

There you go. Which is probably why you don't judge people as much. But there's this like, juggling game that you and I have been talking about. Based on this, I don't even know who the pastor was. It was talking about the 90 10, the pursuing the 10. When you have the 90, only to lose the 90, get the 10, which is this idea that you have and we'll just share our. So like, mine in the 10 is words of affirmation. Wanting my wife to send me text messages every day and tell me I'm amazing to just, you're the fucking man. You have a huge cock. I love you. It's like real simple, just three statements. Just like that.

What if I just send you an eggplant? Is that fast? With a heart next to it?

Peaches. Peaches, not hearts.

Is that okay? Can I speak in emojis?

You can. Are you gonna do that every day?

If that would. If that. If I could just send you emojis.

Send me emojis. But you know, the ones I like.

You really? That's all you need?

Well, let's give it a try. Okay, so we have this 10%, which I'm looking for, which is more words of affirmation for my wife. And then my wife has a 10% she's looking for, for. Which is more quality time, which I've come to find out. Quality time does not mean necessarily an activity. It means you have canceled something you normally would like to do in order to be with your wife.

And there's like this. This element of like, kind of like.

Is that accurate?

Yeah. Well, yeah. Like, it's like it was almost like a sacrifice for you. I think that's why I get so irritated at the gym thing. I'm like, you can't cancel your 5am to come with me. Then I don't want it. Like, it's.

You're ridiculous.

I know, but I'm just telling you, that's how my brain works, is because you're not sacrificing something to be with to. To like, come across and put quality time in with me.

Okay, so let's run down this situation. My wife wants to work out on Monday. She's canceled now three of the last four Mondays. Sean will work out with you on Monday. It'd be great. I was like, I agree. I think it'd be great to work out. Listen, so the thing is, my wife doesn't get out of bed till 7 now. She doesn't sing. She sleeps all night. She just rolls around in bed for 12 hours and eventually gets out of bed around 7. And when she wakes up and she gets up at 7, she's ready to go after her morning ice on the face and her roller on the cheeks, and then her pre workout and doing whatever she does on social media. And about 7:45, you're ready to go. Prior to 7:45, you were worthless as tits on a bull. There's no counting on Danielle between 8:30pm the night before and 7:45 in the morning on Monday. So I wake up at 3:30, I do the things I do, one of which is I go to the gym with Jeff and I lift at 5am I come back 6:30 I have a haircut at 6:30, I have a chiropractor at 7. And by 6:30 I roll into the house ready to work out. I hear my wife say, I'm not going with you now. I'm not going. I'm like, why are you not going? You don't even care. I'm not going. You're not. I'm not going with you. I'm like, why can't we just work out? Because you already worked out with Jeff. I was like, that's fine.

You were so Jeff's your new workout buddy.

You were making out with your pillow while I was working out with Jeff. Why does it matter? It's not the same. It's not the same. You're not choosing me. You're not choosing me. I'm like, woman, listen to yourself. You're fucking crazy right now. I said, I will work out with you right now. Let's go on a soul cycle. You're like, I'm over it now. I can't. You don't even care anymore. You don't even care. I'm like, how do I not care? Because you work out with Jeff at.

5:00Am it's not my fault. You don't get it.

Well, this is why I'm getting it from our therapy session today, which is quality time. At some level is a feeling that you were a priority over everything else.

Yes. Thank you.

But you've never explained quality time like that.

I'm still learning life, hun. You're like, communicate what you want. I'm like, I don't know. I don't know what I want. It's so frustrating as a woman to be like, I want you to want to do the dishes. And then I'm like, do I really want you to want to do the dishes? No, I don't care. So we're trying to communicate what we want, but we're just like frustrated. And then what we realize is we just want our man to show up like he cares and she's the only person that he cares about in that moment.

But because I work out with Jeff.

At 5am, I take away from my.

Ability to care at 7:45.

You like looking at Jeff's cheeks and.

No, I don't look at Jeff cheeks at all. Jeff and I have a good workout. Then I go to Seth and I get a haircut. Then I go to Dr. Daniel, I get an adjustment and then I come in ready to roll with you. That's so silly. But I see why you're doing it. Because you're rejecting the gift. You think the quality time is not there because I've gone somewhere else.

No. What? I.

Cause I feel like I was cheating on you with the workout partner.

Kind of does. It almost feels like, yeah, like I'm like, you're like, not second fiddle.

You're leftover.

Yeah, like I'm second fiddle.

Like, so if I sat at home and I did nothing and just sat here, stared at the mirror, well, you.

Know what it would do for me?

Spoke positively.

You know what it would do for me?

No.

No. Here's what I realized today. I'm like, okay, if he actually didn't. So you say you missed your workout with Jeff, and you actually didn't. If I. And I knew that, I'd be like, okay, I committed. Let's go. But because it's almost like you. You give me an excuse to be like, nah, I don't really want to lift today. I'll just go do spin class or go for a jog. You've almost, like, let me out of my commitment. Because you've already got your workout in, which means, like, you can work out, but you don't care because you already got it in. So then it's an excuse for me to be like, I don't have to fully commit. So if you actually didn't go with Jeff, I would never bail on you. If you actually said, hey, I didn't work out with Jeff, I'd be like, cool, let's drive. Lifetime. Where are we going? What are we doing?

What we're really dealing with is a Danielle commitment issue more than anything. It's not a Garrett workout. It's a Danielle being committed.

No, but probably it's almost like you're, like, in a. Like, like I said, when you come home and you've already worked out, then I'm like, oh, cool. I didn't really want to lift anyways. But when I know you, when I'm committing to you, it's like, with Val, the people are like, you still work out with Val? I'm like, yeah, I. You don't think I know how to lift by now? I'm like, there's been so many mornings where if Val didn't show up, I wouldn't lift.

Okay, got it.

And so for me, if you were.

Like, so Monday's about having an accountability.

It's not about. I realized that about today, I was like, like, even tomorrow, I was like, have a little bit of a cold. And I'm like, I should cancel on Val. And I'm like, nope, I've already paid. I've made a commitment. I'll just tell her, take it easy. I have a little bit of a cold.

So you need to pay me then to be ready at 7:45 on Mondays.

Do you need to pay me?

Yeah, you need to pay me. You pay me like you pay Val and that'll get you committed because you said you pay her and that's why you show up.

So what I'm saying the commitment level for you would be is if you didn't already get your workout in, then I'd be like, he's got to get his workout in that.

If I just told you that I didn't work out, you wouldn't know either ways.

Cuz you're. I hear your car go every morning.

Where I could be leaving to go, you know, sit and meditate at the beach and not work out.

And if I looked you straight in the face and said, tell me you didn't go work out, you just lied to me and feel okay about that.

I would say, what do you want to experience today? Do you want to work out today or do you want.

No, I don't. I need the commitment from you. I can't do it.

And you're like, I want to work out. Then I will say, I have not worked out today.

So you got to go back to the 9010 principle. Did we finish that?

This is where we're at right now. We're on the 9010, we're talking about it. So this, your demand or desire for me in the 10% is more quality time. When I try to show up to give you quality time, you reject it with conditions.

I do not.

That was a rejection this morning, was it not? Yeah, I was ready to go work out with you. I was ready to go a soul cycle. I was ready.

No, but like I explained, like, ready to go for a run bike this morning? Like I said, I'm not feeling good, but it's almost like, oh good, I don't have to. I don't.

I know you're not committed. You're not committed to your own quality time.

I guess I'm not at that specific moment. It is weird.

That's like me not being committed to show up in a way that would actually be sexy and seductive to you and then being upset at you for not wanting to sit on my face.

What?

So like there's this 10% I'm after 10%. You're after quality time and words of affirmation, speaking truth.

But I was just saying, like I was telling you today, I'm like, but are you too fixated with the 10% that now you don't see the 90%? That's what we were talking about in therapy today. I was like, because both of us felt like when we bring up the 10% that you don't look like about me or I don't like about you, if you're like, you're like, hey, you're not giving me words of validation. I immediately, it nullifies the 90% that I am doing. And you're like, I'm not trying to say that. I just am asking for 92%. Or can I get a little bit of that 10%? I'm not saying I don't appreciate the 90%, but you and I both see it as like, when I ask for something that's like that 10%, we're like, what am I not doing enough? It's like, that's what he. We ended in therapy. He's like, I need you guys to both, like, get out of your egos about it a little bit and like, understand when your significant other is asking you for a little bit more, that doesn't mean they don't appreciate all the other things you're doing.

So are you in a position to offer up a little bit more?

You're gonna get an eggplant emoji every morning.

So we're committing to the emoji affirmation.

I think, because to me, I just. It's not. It's not natural for me. Well, I think I'm doing it. So when I think I'm doing a good job just like you, I'll be like, what the hell? I was saying words of affirmation. Remember that one time? And I said, your back looks good, Your biceps. Oh my gosh. Like, I feel like I'm always complimenting you on your body lately because you're posing a lot. And that's. So then I'm like, does he not see the words of affirmation I'm giving him? So then it's like the flip example is like, you've been getting home at like 5:30 lately. And so the problem is when you come home at 5:30, I see your laptop open a lot. And so you're like, babe, don't you see that I'm getting home at 5:30? And unfortunately I'm like, I just see that fucking laptop up. Like, you came home, but your laptop's on. But I'm feeling like, although I appreciate you're coming Home early. It annoys me that your laptop's on. Right? So. So it's like these little things that you're like, she doesn't see the extra time I'm giving her. And then at the same time, I'm like, he doesn't see the more words of validation that I'm giving him. And so then it's like, okay, what does that look like? And so for me, like, even saying, like, hey, I notice often. I can't say always, but I've noticed often that when you come home, I appreciate that you're home, but you're also not really present. You're just kind of like you're finishing things up.

And I. I want you to track this.

I'm not. It's not about that. I'm not gonna talk. I'm not gonna go into it.

Well, what I'm saying is, like, part.

But here's what happened. This is what. He cut us off in therapy, though. He goes, garrett, I need you to not focus on the amount of times other than it. She's obviously noticing it. And so you always go back to. You do this a lot. Often where you want, like, data, you're like, but how many times? Like, like, seven. Like, let's track it. We're definitely gonna track it.

Do you see how you've already course corrected. You're never and always. Because I brought it up, but I'm just saying you're doing great. Good job.

You're doing great, too. But you're not, because you.

Okay, I app words of validation and that word of extraction all at the same time. Okay, you're doing great, but you're not. Never mind. Let me take it back. What were you gonna say?

I was saying that you are doing things that you don't notice. So then I'm like, can I bring it to your attention? Like. Like, hey, I'm. It's not about, like, how many times you're doing it, but obviously it's something I'm noticing. But that doesn't discredit that you are getting home earlier during the week, but it's just something I notice happening frequently.

I would love for you to point it out to me when it's happening, because the. Again, you tell me that you're giving me tons of words of affirmation, but I'm not hearing them. You. At the. On the flip side, I'm saying I'm coming home and home more early than I've ever been and spending more time.

So when I'm saying nice things, you need to preface it.

But you're nullifying what I'm doing. I'm nullifying what you're doing. This is what I'm hearing we're doing to each other. You say that you're telling me words of affirmation all the time, but I'm not hearing them. And I'm telling you I'm home more than you've ever known me to ever be home. And yet your mind thinks that somehow I'm on my iPad every night, which I'm not, but you think it is because you saw one or two, and now you've blanketed everything with it the same way you think I'm doing it with your comments about my words about affirmation.

Again, don't get distracted, because he even said today he was like, garrett, it's obvious that it's something that she's noticing frequently. So I. I got it.

I'm noticing frequently your unwillingness to send me love notes.

Are you, though?

Yeah.

Love notes or love, like words of vibration?

Yeah, if we line up the number of times that you say it.

So do you want me to say, babe, I want credit for this right now so that you know I'm not gonna do that.

You want me to do that with you?

No, I don't.

Hey, babe, I made a decision to sacrifice work to be with you right now. That's a sacrifice. I'm here. This is quality time. Can we start the clock and make sure? Let the record note the quality time began five minutes ago. And I'll let the record also note that the iPad is not on the premises. It was left at the office.

I mean, if you can make it light and funny and less triggering, then it might work.

Listen, we're getting greedy. Our marriage and our life is better than it's ever been. And this just proves a point, that there's just eternal expansion to this whole game. It never ends. So no matter how good things get, you can get to a place where whatever your life is like. If you stepped out of our lives right now and you went back to Gilbert, Arizona, to Shamrock Estates in 2011, and we showed us a snapshot of a week in our lives. Who we are, the family.

I've been like, we did it.

And yet we can sit in the same environment and still be irritated as fuck at each other over this 1%, we're not getting in the 10%. So what do we do about it?

I think we're doing it. I think for me, it's almost like I'm like, no, I'm pretty happy with the 90%. And so then I kind of get irritated. I'm like, I just need you to be happy with the 90%. Like, I'm like, there's probably, like, a lot of little things that I could pull up, but I've just kind of been like, that's Garrett, though. That's what makes him Garrett. And I. I. It's almost like I hear it in a different wording. So, like, lately, like, you'll be saying stuff that normally might have triggered me, and I'm like, it's. It's almost like an acceptance for who you are, and you don't. That's not your intention. And so for me, like, I feel like I'm like, I know he doesn't mean that, and I'm not going to allow this to trigger me right now because I actually know he does want to take our relationship to the next level. And he's not saying anything is wrong or broken. He's just like, I don't take as much offense to it. So, like, our kids are coming down.

Well, we've made deposits in a level that is new and different than we've made in the past, which is like, we're being more deliberate and more conscious about it. It's weird, though, how much it hurts every time. Like, there's a letting go that has to happen that is painful.

Are there things about me that bug you that you let go?

Yeah.

What is it?

Words of affirmation and the constant. The words that you do use are typically critical. So the words that I use, no.

I said things you can let go of.

Oh, yeah, that's what I'm doing. I've been doing that.

Okay.

That's a piece of it. Which is your mind naturally sees the flaw in everything, so it can skip the 99% of the beauty of a picture, see the one flaw, and then all it wants to do is ask, can I pop that zit? Or can I do that thing? So there's a critical game to the way your brain works, which is very mission critical to perfection. So I've had to learn that that is not you being a critical bitch. My wife's brain automatically cannot see anything except for the flaw, and her mind tracks down on it. And so if I just accept, that's it. And that's why, when you'll see a zit on my stomach going, yeah, there's a zit on my stomach. And you're sitting there and you're, like, almost getting shaky and tremor y about how you Want to pop? And I was like, you're not popping it. You're like, I need you. I was like, no, no, you're not touching it. Go away.

But, you know, it's my. That's what. That's.

But I used to get super offended, so I'm like, here I am training my body. I'm getting so fat.

You always see women, like, fixing their man. They're like, oh, babe, let me.

I don't give a shit about what other women do.

I'm just saying, like, that's a natural character in women to, like, if we. If they're. You have, like, a booger or your hair's out of place or you have a zit. We're like, oh, we don't want to. We're going to save you. We don't want you to go out in public with that zit on your neck or face or back or. We. We're trying to help.

I'm just saying that that is what has shifted. You asked me what's something I. I've, like, changed or shifted.

It doesn't bug you anymore?

No, it bugs me. I just don'. I just don't let it be a big deal.

Okay. There you go.

I make fun of you or I joke with you or I do something silly, and I'm like, whatever. Because I realize that your brain is broken.

Brilliant. I know.

Brilliantly broken.

My brain is not broken.

Brilliantly broken.

That was the worst way you could end this podcast ever. I love you, babe, and I realize you're broken.

I didn't say you're broken. Your brain is brilliant.

Oh, my brain is broken. Sorry. I'm sorry. My brain is broken.

I didn't. Do you think my brain.

I'm married to you, so it must be real.

Exactly. Brilliantly broken. You don't think my brain is brilliantly broken. It is. Like, the way I see things is, like, ridiculous, too. I reframe everything. I overwhelm things with too much energy at times. I'm not saying that I don't have my critical lookout like you do. I have my thing, too, and you said that you've been willing to look past it. I just told you what mine was with you.

So it's important to let things go or not let things go and pursue that 10%.

I think you keep pushing for 10%. It don't ever stop. If we'd stop otherwise, we'd have settled at 60. We only got to 90 because we were willing to not settle 60, and most couples are settling at 60. Percent. This is how it is.

I said this on one of our last podcasts. I'm like, marriage just has, like, a low standard. Like, it's just like, oh, you get married, that's your partner. You don't have to date. You don't have to try anymore. He's just like, there's this. This acceptance of, like, we're married. We're. We don't have to feel like we did when we were dating. We don't have to be connected like that. We're married. Who cares? So I'm just have a partner. And I'm like, yeah, but what, like, if you're constantly with that partner and you're, like, arguing all the time or whatever, that's when it's like, that's not fun.

Well, that's the. That's the challenge. And that's what we're shifting. That's what you and I have committed to changing and transforming in ourselves, is we're willing to look at these hard things. And now we're getting to the microscope. Microscopic things, like, if I'm training a speaker on how to speak in the beginning, we're working with broad strokes because they just suck at everything. So then we're working at just having them not shit themselves on stage. I'm like, can you please be a human being on stage? And we work on that. And then as they get better, we get more refined and more refined and more fine. So it's refined.

We're refining our marriage.

Exactly. But now Sergio is one of my proteges. He's asked me for feedback, and I'll come at him real hard. And it's on very small things. It's not about 90% anymore.

It's about turning him into chipping away our relationship.

Yeah, we're chipping away the bullshit. We still have 10% bullshit.

Are you ever not going to have that?

10% bullshit keeps going. The minute you get to 98%, you go to bed, you wake up, it's reset.

Well, you know what it is? It's because you're human and you have an ego. And there's certain things that are, like, out of our capacity based off of how we are built, that are perfectly designed in the same thing. It requires you to, like, keep wanting to grow and expand.

Yeah. Which is what we've been doing. We've been pushing, been growing. You have been not tolerating. You've just been willing to see things from a different frame. That me too. The second one, I'll tell you that I've been willing to do is like, I'm starting to train my brain to look at the things that you are doing as words of affirmation. They're just a different language.

That's good. Then it's probably less resentment and more appreciation. That's what I'd say I've been doing with you. Like, this stuff that triggers me. I'm like, why am I triggered about that? There's X, Y, and Z. That is so much better than this little thing I'm being triggered. Like, why don't I focus on what I love about him versus focus about that zit that I want to pop or whatever it is. It's. It's. It's like, yeah, just focusing. Sometimes I get, like, that way with life. Or I'll be, like, super grumpy and moody and, like, in a pissed off mood. And then I'm like, no, I need to shift my focus into what I'm grateful for. And every time I do that, I'm like, ah, that's nice. That's great. And it just makes me, like, go about my day differently. So if we do that with our relationship, where it's like, we find ourselves triggered, there's so many things that you can get triggered from your significant partner, but it doesn't. It's not necessarily about them. It could be like, your kids were crazy that morning. Work was crazy. Your body doesn't feel good, and then. But you immediately, like, get triggered by something your significant other says. But really, it's timing. And so if you can learn to, like, almost, like, not take it too serious unless it needs to be, and it needs to be a tough conversation, but almost, like, not take it too serious and focus on, like, here are the things I love about Garrett. Then I'm like, oh, cool. That doesn't. I'm still gonna get triggered, but it. I don't want it to be my focus.

Well, you're doing it. You're doing a good job of it. We've come a long way. I've come a long way, and we're creating a marriage that's, like, untouchable. And every week that goes by and every month that goes by, we keep refining and refining and refining and getting to a place. It's like, with what you did with Natural Beat Rose, or what I've done as a speaker and a trainer, what I've done with Wake Up Warrior. Like, everything is about refining, refining, refining. We're not a basics anymore, so we're not being held to basic standards. When you're Elite. And you play at top of the game in your world. The standard expectation of performance is different. So if you and I ever did choose to settle, our world would blow up. Because you'd get numb, I'd get numb, we'd get dumb and.

Yeah, we would almost like sabotage what we had built, which we've seen a lot of entrepreneurs do. You're like, that was really stupid. Were you just bored?

It for sure was. It was new. And then it became normal and the normal became numb. And in the numb, they did dumb stuff and they burned it down. Yeah, this is how desperate housewives cheat on their husbands. It's how shit happens. Because dudes and women, men and women just. They get numb.

But it doesn't really fix the problem. It just creates another loop.

For sure does, which you'll have to repeat. The karma consequence of it comes back again and there's no running from it.

I feel like we've had that karmic loop, but just with each other. Like, I always joke around. I'm like, yeah, we've been divorced several times.

We have.

Emotionally and spiritually.

Well, if we, like, we line us up as couples. I was joking and laughing at, like, photos, thinking of myself from, like years and years ago, back in like 2010, 2011. Then us from 2000 to 2008 and nine. It's like there's been chapters where we're just not the same people. Married, individually or collectively. All right, you done with the show? I can tell. Energetically shut off. I know, I just get me out of this show. And our clock is on timers are waving. All right, so final thoughts here for the show for today.

My final thoughts is your focus is what you focus on. So if you're gonna focus on the 10, the 10 becomes the new 90. So focus on what you wanna focus on.

That was a tired woman. It's not sure what the fuck she's saying. So I'm gonna wrap this show up. Thank you so much for being here on the DHY podcast. Again. If you'd like access to our weekly couples call, which is a powerful call, we'd love to have you part of that. You can get access for free by going to warriorlaunch.com, sign up for a free Warrior membership for 30 days. And during that trial, you'll be able to experience the call. Come jump on it with it. Be with myself, Danielle, several other Whitney and Kyle Carnam from Superhuman Fathers, as well as our therapists, a handful of other amazing trainers who run that call every week. We'd love to have you there with your spouse participating with us. You can check that out and learn more by going to warriorlaunch.com or heading directly to dateyourwife.com I'm out of here. My wife's done. She's finished. She doesn't have another shirt to change into. We'll be back in a couple weeks, record a couple more episodes. We're out. Goodbye.