🔥 Healing, Growth & The Truth About Relationships with Stefanos Sifandos 🔥

Well, my friends, welcome here to the Date YouTube podcast. Excited to be back here with my beautiful wife. We have a special treat for you today. This is the second episode that we have done virtually. Sometimes our guests do not have either the ability, the capacity, or we just don't want to wait for a schedule to open up to have them come in in person. So he's not in our house today, but he's with us virtually. His soul is here in a building. We have confirmed this, and today we are also having a first.

What?

This is the first. This is the first show. The first thing is different.

We don't have another couple.

We have. Not the full couple.

Yeah.

You're sitting there looking at me like.

Like, I'm wondering where you're going with this. I'm like, what? What else?

So we have.

Can you just introduce our guests already?

I'm gonna get there. We're getting there.

You don't need to mess up your last name. That's why he's lagging.

I'm not. No, I'm. I'm reading it right.

Fernando, I believe. No, I mess up, didn't I?

It was close.

Close.

I told you, dude. Give him the. Give him your full. Give the full.

Give him.

Because it's just cool. Say it slow so everybody can understand. Ready?

Go. You got it. I'm going to say it in the accent as well, that it's meant to be the pronunciation, that it should be pronouncing Stefanos Spiros sifandos.

Now, listen, if you're listening to show right now, you already know. You felt the vibrational tone of that name, and you heard the accent. You're like, whatever comes next. I'm excited because I'm an American in the US And I like the people who have accents that sound awesome.

So it sounds cooler.

So it sounds way cooler. It sounds very cool. Okay, so listen, we have an interesting piece in today's show, though, too, because Steph has worked in the space for almost 25 years in working with men, working with women, working with couples, and almost exclusively spend his time in intimate settings, meaning not just large broadcasts. You can tell this on his social media page. Has huge influence online, but most of the work that he's done is in very powerful relationships and with very powerful people struggling. And our dogs are barking. Really? Is this happening right now? We have our dogs barking. It was your name. Stefano. What was your name? It inspired our dog. And now our dog's running around. How can we not get the dog's hand?

Sorry, I Literally locked her up. That's where I went. And she got out.

Okay.

It's real time.

We still roll with it this way, so we're gonna keep going. So, bro, talk to me. What actually started you down this path of actually giving a shit about the topic of marriage and relationships and the dynamics of humans?

Yeah, you know, I was at a conference, was a deep dive conference with Dr. John DeMartini many years ago. It must have been, I don't know, 15 plus years ago, right, In Australia. And he. He said, our greatest voids become our greatest values. And it hit me like a smack in the face, right? I thought, oh, I'm really fascinated by humans and fascinated by how we interact with each other and how we treat each other and how we care for each other and don't care for each other, because it was so missing in my life. Now, caveat to that, right? I grew up in quite a volatile, violent family home and environment. And my parents were at each other a lot, at us, me and my brother. It was just a very dysfunctional, uncertain dynamic that I grew up in. And the confusing part was that there was also a lot of love that I experienced. I genuinely experienced love from my mother and my father and also experienced a lot of pain and lack of safety. And so growing up, I just wanted to know, well, how can I be a better human or how can I stop people from hurting me? Right? So I just. Just became very naturally fascinated by how we treated each other. So it started from a very young age. And I remember when I was, I don't know, maybe seven or eight, I said to. I came running out of the lounge room, I was watching tv, and I. I said to him, I want to be United Nations Secretary General because I can save all the kids, right? I was very. I was eight years old. What the fuck did I know? I didn't know that it was such a corrupt organization. Well, maybe let's not.

You were 8. I didn't realize you were 8 years old and you wanted to do this at 8. How did you even know it was even a thing at 8? I could barely spell my name.

I was literally watching because it was interesting because I was watching, I remember this, with my grandparents. So we used to live with my grandparents up until about the age of eight, my maternal grandparents. While. While we're figuring out where to live. We didn't grow up in. Grew up in a little bit of poverty, right? And so it was. It was my dad trying to make it work. But I was watching something, a documentary with my grandparents, I think it was a documentary or news. And I saw all these United nations people. I'm pretty sure at the time they had blue hats on, you know, the blue helmets, the, the, the UN troops. Right. And the, the story was that they were saving these kids in impoverished areas. And I thought, oh, I'm a kid. I don't, I don't really like where I am at home. Maybe they can save me. And I started asking questions, right. I was just a very curious kid. And it got me thinking about, oh, well, this is what I want to be when I grow up. Because I can help people and I can. And ultimately, it's a way to save ourselves. You know, we help others or we teach what we need to learn the most. We help others because we want to help ourselves.

So you go down that path and then that bends into the conversation. Relationships, specifically with couples. So right now you do a lot of work with couples. You and your wife work together with couples. So before we jump to that, talk to me about this amazing woman that you call your wife. How did you two. Take me back to when you guys met? How did you guys meet each other?

Yeah. So I'll try and make the longer story short, but not too short, because I always it up and she tells it way better.

I know. That's the problem. When, when the bulb went full when she's here, she's like, that's not how it went. All right, give it to us. Best version you got.

He's far more articulate than me. So I was about a year and a half single, very deliberately at that point. And I was working in a company, in a startup, and we had mutual friends, so we're introduced by mutual friends. And I, I connected and bonded with this couple that were working in this startup. And they, Christine was at their house in, in San Diego, and I was in Perth, Western Australia at that point. And now I've been living in the States for seven years. I'm a, I'm an American. I'm. I'm all good now. Happy to be here.

Yeah, let's go.

And, and so, but back then I was in Australia and she was at their house and they were doing some media for our company, our startup at that time. And he had asked her to ask Christine to go in front of the computer on our website, look at it, scroll. And he was doing some back of the head shots, right? Just B roll stuff. And she saw my picture and she said, I know him. And they said, no, I don't think you Know him. He's a cool guy. We just met him, you know, a couple of months ago. A few months ago, she. She'd known Akira and Renee for years, right? But I think. I don't think you know him. He lives in Perth. And she said, oh, I'm pretty sure I know him. And so they checked. She didn't know me. And then Renee said, well, why don't I do an intro as a really cool guy? And you guys are both going to be in Europe at the. At the end of. Oh, sorry, mid, you know, at the end of June, early July, in fact, I think I saw Chris and Laurie on your podcast. Chris and Laurie are dear friends of ours and we were in Greece with Chris and Laurie. That's where I first physically met Christine. She's known them for years. Small world, right? So. So we developed this WhatsApp relationship and we just start to get to know each other virtually, obviously, because we're at other ends of the world. Until we were going to meet each other in four months and we just made a commitment. We just started out as a friendship, but before that I just like maybe a week or two before that, I was in a deep meditation. I thought, oh, I'm really loving my life right now. I'm really appreciating the deep inner work I've been on for the last few years. That was a real game changer for me. And I'm open now to maybe being in a relationship again, but I'm not attached to it. And then, you know, a week and a half later, a week later, I get introduced to Christine and there was just something there in terms of a knowing and a connection. But we forged a deeper connection just communicating with each other, calling, videoing, messages. We committed to asking ourselves a number of different questions. I would ask four or five questions, she would answer them, then I would answer the questions I asked, and then it was her turn. And we just got to know each other in this way. And the thing is, there was nothing that was off limits. So we went really deep. So we didn't just put our best foot forward, we put our worst foot forward as well. And over time, not that long, we started developing an understanding that, oh, there could be something here, but we need to smell each other. We need to be each other's physical presence. You know, we need to. We need to make sure we're a sexual and physical fit as well. And so did you think, did you.

Think she was hot?

What's that?

Did you think she was hot before the. WhatsApp chat.

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. I thought she was very attractive and very beautiful. Yeah. And I was also attracted to her magnetism as well. Not just her physical appearance, but what she was doing in the world and who she was in the world. And as. As a result of who she was, what. What I guessed and what my sense was she had to do to be that person. And so I was very attracted to that because I really wanted a person that had done a substantial amount of inner work, but also valued growth as a high value, as a top value in relationship. Right. Because I just. You know, we have a saying in Australia. I'm not here to fuck spiders. Which means.

Say it one more time. Say it one more time. We need it for the Americans. That's fucking great. Do it. Say it again.

I'm not. I'm not here to. Spiders mean. Meaning I'm not here to waste my time. I'm not here to mess around.

That's so good. I'm taking that one. I'm taking that one to the bank. I'm not. I'm. I'm gonna do that on stage in front all my guys. Like, listen, gentlemen, I'm not here to Smiles, quoting my friend.

No, spiders, Spiders, spiders.

I was like, oh, I thought it was smiles. I was like, that's the weirdest shit I ever heard. I guess spiders is probably a little better. Let's see. I mean, you can't even. A spider. That's weird.

That's way.

That's the whole point.

Okay, continue. So.

So I wanted that. Anyway, we first met, she opened the door, we're in Mykonos. Beautiful 180 degree view of the ocean. She opens her hotel room door. I see her. We kiss. We kiss passionately. We connect. She smells good, feels good. We moved in pretty much that day. We got married three months later.

Okay, so hold up, hold up, hold up. So we've been to Santorini, we've not been to Mikonos. So the first time you see her, I mean, as you're talking it out, I'm like seeing this movie unfolding like the Notebook. She opens up the doors. There's the drop of the ocean in Greece. Yeah.

You can literally see it through the front door.

Yes. Okay, so you see her for the first time and you've connected with her through WhatsApp. What's the first feeling you have when she walks through the door? Like you see her for the first time physically, what are you feeling inside?

Yeah, it was a combination of excitement and a little bit of Nervousness, because here's the thing, I'm half Greek, half Italian. I speak the language. I've got a Greek citizen as well. Greek was my first language. And I've made this very clear to her. Hey, if we're not a match and we're here on holiday with all your friends, I'm just going to go back to Estonia because that's where we were going to originally meet. But she ended up asking me to come to this holiday thing with her. And it was a couple's retreat, but she was the only single one. And I was, I said I was cool and I said I'm not going to stay around, I'm not going to make things difficult for you. I'm not weird. I'm just going to do my thing. And if we don't bond and mesh, it's all good. I'm going to stick around the island for a bit. Probably going to meet some people that I know and I'm out. It's all good. But when I first met her, that's. So that was sort of my nervousness. I wanted to make sure that she was going to be okay with that because a big step for her to invite me to that, that I felt comfortable because again, I'm not in a foreign country, I don't know where I am. Not like, you know, I don't know in Algeria and I don't speak the language or Mongolia or something. It's. And even if I was, I mean, I'm pretty well traveled and I love traveling, so I'm very comfortable there. But I was nervous for that. And I was also nervous, like, oh, what? You know, we've had such a beautiful bond, like a really deep bond and an honest bond. What if the chemistry, the physical chemistry is not there? But it was. So that was great. So I was excited. And then it was just. It was just a really beautiful, picture perfect backdrop, you know, and the lead up to that as well. And we had some challenges leading up to that too. Like some of my, my stuff and my patterns were coming up. I'm very open with this. Like, some of my, my insecurities were coming up because I was just coming off probably about six years of really deep work and I mean really deep stuff, man. Like, I guys, I was. I was suicidal at some point. I was. I went some. Into some really dark places within my own psyche and it took me quite some time to get out of that. Right. And to really move through that. And I committed to growth irrespective of where it Took me mental asylum, suicide. Out of that, out of that pain. Right. And so I was, you know, there was still just, I guess, fragments of that still coming through. Not so much the intensity of that, but just patterns developed from a very early age. Right. And so we, we hold up real.

Quick, hold up, hold up real quick on that. So you. Yeah, because this, this is an interesting challenge, right, because you have. You go and do all of this work on yourself for six years and then you found a girl. Right? But right now you work with a lot of couples who are together. They haven't done the deep work, and then they're trying to do the deep work together. Together, which is like what we went through. And we know a lot of couples who have done this, which is they've done like a ton of work. And then they're getting together in their late 30s or early 40s and they've done all this work. They've kind of had their fuck around years. They've got like their 20 years where they were. All my guys were fuckboys for 10 years. And then they were, I'm gonna go heal myself and find myself. And then they find the girl, Right. A bunch of my guys are in that place. And then you have this other group that have been together for 10 to 15 to 20 years who are hearing of these relationships like you and Christine have, and they've gotta go to square one to do this work as a married couple, as individuals. What have you found? I'm just gonna pause your story, then we'll come back to the story. But that piece right there, now that you've experienced it, but you're guiding couples through this, how do you guide a couple that wants to be together but doesn't have six years to go be on their own and discover their psyche?

I always say a lot of married people, especially have kids and things like that. It's not as glamorous where they're in the islands and the doors open and there's passion. They're looking at their husband or significant other and they're just kind of like, well, where do we go from here? You know, it's not this like, grand thing. And they're going through trauma and things like that, and they're like, well, I want to rebuild, I want to reconnect. But, like, how do we do that?

What are your thoughts? Because these are people that you're working with right now. What have you. What have you seen?

Yeah.

To be able to pull that off.

So, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we had a very fast we had a very short honeymoon period as well. And so what you're speaking to, it's not quite, hey, we've been together 20, 30 years or 25 years with, you know, two or three or four kids. But we've also done very deep work together. You know, we've. We've been at the precipice of uncomfortable places. You know, do we separate? Do we stay together? What do we do? And we've chosen to work through that. We also, you know, we both came into, I think, unconsciously both came into the relationship thinking like, a little arrogant thinking. I've spent a lot of years doing inner work. This is going to be a great relationship. It's not going to be any problem. Well, that was. That was very quickly debunked, you know, and so we, we have very similar challenges. But to. To answer your question, I think the. What's the benefit that we have is we have that benefit of meeting, you know, in our late 30s, so to speak, or mid-30s for me, late 30s for Christine, and, and having that benefit of doing inner work and meeting then, but then also having the benefit of really working through some big stuff together as a couple also while she was pregnant at the, at the birth of our child as well. You know, the last couple of years have been pretty intense for us, and it's required a lot of willingness, a lot of effort and a lot of focus. And so, you know, I used to. I used to own gyms when I was. When I was studying psychology in my early 20s, and, and in that space as well, I used to own CrossFit gyms. And I used to teach. I used to say to people, I'm not going to give you anything that I wouldn't do myself or haven't done myself. I wouldn't teach you how to squat if I don't know how to at least squat the basics. I'm not going to. I'm not going to take anyone through a process that I haven't been through myself, or I'm not going to preach or impart any wisdom or knowledge or guidance if I don't adhere to that myself. And so we put ourselves through the ringer, man. We put ourselves through some pretty big challenges because we're committed to growth. And we also, over the years have learned when to back off those challenges and just be more intimate with each other or be closer with each other and let the, let the dust settle of inner work, because it can bring up a lot of stuff, right? And so it's just try My, my, I guess how I'm answering your question is it's trial and error. We purposely put ourselves through what we, what we teach and support people with.

So when you come into working with a couple that's going through that, you know, it's like we have a whole bunch of couples who have gotten divorced in their attempt to make this run at finding themselves and healing themselves. And ideally that's not an outcome, but that outcome happens quite often. Not from, it's not like, I wouldn't even say it's half, it's probably a third that once you've been together for 10 to 15 years and one of you decides to take the game on or the other one does and you go like, exposure is inevitable and now you have this reality in front of you, you gotta make this decision, am I going to play this game for the next 20, 30 years that I've been playing for the last 10 to 15 or 20 years and the decisions come up right. One of the posts that you made content wise on social media that you pinned that I was deeply, I mean I resonate big time with it was empowering women to speak up and that wounded women who share their truth. It's coming from this deep place of soul. And like Danielle, share, I mean share with Steph like what you had gone through with me two years ago because that's even how Peter and Caitlin, that's how Caitlyn described it, what you were doing as a woman.

I think for women it's like we don't want to burden the man, we want to support him. We don't want to ruffle the feathers, we want to avoid an argument or whatever it is. So it's like, oh, don't burden him with your feelings or your thoughts or I don't want to trigger a fight or things like that. So there was like prob, there was like a lot of years where I feel like I didn't, things were good, but they weren't great. And then I realized there was like a few issues that I was like kind of tucking away and I just was like, you know, I, this might be painful for him to hear, but like I'm dying inside, you know, I'm like, so I have to speak my truth because otherwise I'm like building this resentment for him and he doesn't even know why. So I think that's why it's so important for women to speak and communicate because otherwise, like there's this weird energy and you can feel it. And for a lot of women it's like, they're like, I'm resentful because I don't see my husband, but I want to support him because he's providing for the family. So I don't know. I'd like. A few years ago, I had this moment with Garrett where I just was like, I gotta. I gotta tell you something. Like, I'm not doing good. I don't accept this in our relationship. Like, there's a few things we need to fix, and I have to. Like, I just had to share more of my truth, whether it was painful or not. And still I. I have a hard time doing that because I'm like, I don't want this to turn into an argument. I'll just go to bed. So it's just. It's. It's interesting. I feel like. I feel like women, they do. They kind of, like, hold back because they don't want to either start an argument or start a fight, but then that keeps them from truly connecting with their husband.

So what do you see inside this with couples? Like. Like, as you're driving into it, you're seeing a woman who is trying to speak her truth, or you have a guy who's now willing to take on responsibility and accountability for being an asshole for 10 to 15 years and not even knowing it half the time. Like, walk us through how you work through that, knowing that you've done the work yourself, knowing that you've gone that direction. I don't think that was even the angle of my question so much. It is when you see couples that have got to do all of this work you're talking about, but they do it inside of the confines of their marriage. They're not in open relationships. They're not dating other people. They don't have a history of being with lots of people. We have a lot of couples who've been together, and that's it. They picked each other, they were virgins, they got married, and now they're together. So how do you work through that, knowing that? That's the container of giving people perspective and permission to just go for it anyways.

You touched on something, and it's. The word truth goes a very long way in life, right? Because when we're not in our truth, we're wearing masks. And, you know, you spoke to Danielle around the resentment that you were building. You're not. You're then not giving a full present version of yourself to your husband, to your family, to your life, right? Like, there's a contraction in you. There's fear. If Fear lives in one area of our lives. It lives in other areas of our lives. Right? And it permeates and it compounds and it grows and it festers, and it causes more contraction. You trust less. And when you trust less. See, I'd want to ask you, Daniel, if you don't mind. You don't have to answer this, but I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna ask this anyway. Yeah, we can speak broad brushstrokes. You know, women don't want to upset their husbands, or they don't want to upset. But for you, what was it for you that didn't want to cause an argument? What was it for you that didn't want to, you know, shake the foundations of the home? Because that. That there is probably tethered. Not probably, but more than likely, definitely tethered to something really deep, probably from your childhood, a pattern that you develop from a very young age in what you witnessed, maybe in your parents or how you survived. Survival strategy that. I'll be safe if I don't speak my truth or I don't use my voice.

I don't know. I. I feel like I came from a home that was not very open with communication at all. Like, we. I grew up in a home where they didn't say, I love you. It was very closed off. They didn't hug. It just wasn't. It wasn't until I actually met Garrett and his family, I was like, whoa, this is how families are. They're very open. They're very like, I love you, hug. Like that. And my family was just very closed off, and I didn't know that that was wrong, bad, different, good, whatever it was. And then it was interesting, when we got married, he brought that into our family, and I was like, oh, I want this in my relationship with my kids. This is natural. This should be how it is, you know? But I was very. I was. I guess, as a child, it was just, like, not a thing, like, at all. My dad was, like, such a good man, but, like, grew up in a generation where it just went and worked and worked and worked and worked and worked and provided. But, like, I never felt a lot of, like, connection with my dad. Even though I felt like he was a good guy. There was just no, like, real connection. So I don't know, probably at a young age, I was just taught to, like, don't share your feelings. Nobody cares. Or don't. Like, we just didn't talk, you know? So for me, it's just. That'd probably be a big a Big piece of it. And I think another piece of it is like, yeah, you're right. Like there's this piece where you're kind of scared. Like, if I say this, what's going to happen? And I don't know, maybe you guys can say, but like high producing men, in my experience, it's like women have this in the back of their mind of like, he's too, he's gonna like be almost like, I don't have to deal with this. I'm a high powered man. I don't have to deal with arguing with the wife, right? I'm too, like, don't bring me your burdens. Like, I'm too high producing. Like, I don't wanna, I shouldn't have to fight with my wife. I just want a cute wife that smiles and has sex with me. And like, like, don't burden me with your fights. Like, I've been working too hard. Like, I don't wanna, like, I think in the back of the mind it's like, well, I don't wanna upset him, you know, I don't wanna make him feel, I don't know, does that make sense? Like, just like, I don't want to burden him.

Yeah, yeah, I totally. So if you go a few layers deeper, there's probably a few inputs, right? We're fully, we're multi layered beings, right? And so the ideas that we have as adults and the belief systems that we hold as adults usually stem from what we're exposed to at a very young age during our formative years where those imprints are just pushed upon us or they just, they just, they come into our field and we sort of take them as truth, right? And so even, even, you know, what you just shared a moment ago around, oh, you know, my feelings don't matter. Like, even that, we can turn that as kids because we're very self referential, right? It's all about us. We're very self absorbed. We can turn that into, well, if my feelings don't matter, then I don't matter that I'm not important. And all of a sudden you have somewhere in your psyche, oh, I'm not important, I don't matter. So I won't share what's important to me because it doesn't really matter to the world. Or also, again, you grew up in a place where what you said was, you know, father worked and worked and worked. And you know, I know Garrett gets it, right? So he's working, he's working. What if you speak your truth when it's not welcome, because that's the idea or belief you have. And then that work stops because he's now busy or focused on being with you and being with your feelings that shouldn't even have a place in the relationship. This is all unconscious stuff, right? And then what if I lose that sense of security and safety? Because as a, as a, as a child, when we're so reliant on our parents, we're so reliant on our environment, right? And so if that environment is destabilized or becomes unfamiliar, we don't know what to do with that. And that can be a really big wound or pain in your nervous system, right? And so why is it important to understand this? Because understanding and awareness is one aspect of healing or helping us remember that we're whole. But it gets us through the door. It gives us insight, it gives us a reason to pursue that knowledge or that wisdom to make changes. And when we understand ourselves better, we can respect ourselves better. We can often carry less shame. We judge ourselves a little less. That's a process. But we can get to that point through the entry point of understanding. That's why I just wanted to unpack.

That a little bit.

Right? Because the other side to that, if I was using myself as an example, my wife's very much like you in that sense, Right. She has struggled to bring her truth because I can be a very big energy. And if I don't like what she's saying, like when I'm in my shadow, if I don't like what she's saying, I can be very big and very loud and very defensive and very dismissive. Yeah, I know. I own it. Yeah, I get it, bro. I get it. Like, I, and, and over time, when I've done that without even realizing it because I'm so in my pattern, she's developed in a pattern of, I can't bring anything to this guy. He's safe in all these other ways, but if I trigger him or he's in a defensive mood or whatever it is, I'm not going to get my truth shared, so I'm just not going to share it. So then what does she do? She slowly pulls back and retracts. Then what do I do? I get butt hurt. I get, I get offended. Why is my wife pulling away from me? It's a fucking vicious cycle.

Yeah. Yeah. Night. I, I, I'm sure a lot of.

I'm sure most of the couples we.

Know, this is the, When I've talked to them, they're like, well, my husband's so reactive. So. And then I do share and he's reactive. And so then it's not safe to share. And then it's like. You're right. It's just like this, like, cycle. Like, how do you. And here's the thing. We're all human. So how do you get over that?

Well, we are. But here's the thing. So. So this is where relationships are such beautiful mirrors. I. I've got a book coming out at the end of this year, September 23rd. Right. And I speak. I go really deep into this. Around the.

The.

That relationships are actually one of the most profound ways to know God and to be in the slipstream of divinity, because they activate our deepest wounds and they bring out the best of us and the worst of us. And it's our responsibility. So it's my responsibility to deal with my aggression and defensiveness. And it's Christine's responsibility to really look at her patterns and how that feeds into our dynamic. And then it's our responsibility to come together and be committed and willing to. To work through that shit together. And if we're not, we're losing valuable, precious moments of growth that. That can. That can have an imprint on our children, on the things that. And the people and the projects that matter most to us and importantly the world. But even more important than that, ourselves. We can actually break free of patterns that are reactive and repetitive, that are just there because they're familiar in their survival strategies. So many of us are stuck in survival patterns. Like, even people that are super successful. Not everyone, but most people that are super successful, that's driven from a wound. It's driven from an inadequacy. It's driven from an insecurity. It's driven from a pain. Right. That's just unresolved and unprocessed. And that's the stuff that we go deep into with couples and individuals and actually provide them with ways to get through that. And there's a simple. There's a simple. I'll pause there because I don't want to keep going. I'll pause.

Well, listen, I like the piece. I'm like, number one. I like you a lot. I think you're great. There's always people that you're like. They say they know some shit. I'm unfortunately around a lot of people who say they know some shit, and they're all full of shit. That's the only thing they know. And they regurgitate shit from everyone else. It's very clear that you've done oh fuck, tell me about it. I'm like Jesus, dude. There's a group of people who should be punched in the throat daily. It's like 90% of the coaching space. So you live. This is clear. Here is the angle that's interesting with it because this kind of work seems super weird to. I don't even want to call them normal people, just traditional couples and trying to confront it, right? Like we come at em at wake up boy with like tell the fucking truth bro, stop fucking lying. And they're like ah, that's hard enough. I've gone down that path. I mean I spent seven, eight years in energy work and healing and Reiki and all kinds of modalities and therapists, et cetera and meditation and psychedelic medication, medicine and journeying for three straight years and stacking which is a tool we use and everybody under the sun. I've worked with Byron, Katie and Debbie Ford before she passed and all these people to try to find this truth in me. Danielle has not gone and done any of that. Not saying she's not done work on herself, I'm just saying I've gone down that path and I see it and I feel it. Most guys have a hard time with doing this. Because you're a psychopath, because you were called to lead people. I'm a psychopath because I was called to lead people. So a normal person stepping into this, it seems super like energetically woo woo. It's like this is bullshit. I don't really believe in this. I don't really get it. How do you bridge the gap for a guy? Because when I talk and go, you and I could go off for days, do it together for sure. But when a normal dude hears this and I got a lot of dude and I say normal in the sense they've not even started the person like the idea of just telling the fucking truth to their wife is still like cataclysmically huge. That just be honest, let alone healing. How do you onboard the conversation with them in your world to get them to a place where they're willing as a man to open up and be vulnerably honest with you in front of their wife or just with you as like a one on one coach?

Yeah. So I make it pretty simple man. If, if I'm talking to someone, I'm connecting with someone and I say to them, you know, what are the areas of your life that aren't working? And if they're, if they're telling me everything's great, everything's perfect, I'LL keep digging and I'll tell you in a moment how I'll dig. But if they're, if they're resistant and every, everything or they genuinely, maybe everything in their life is working, I can't help them from that perspective. I can help them from enhancing performance because I also do that. Right. I also support people with say, hey, here's my baseline. I just actually want to perform better in all these areas of my life. Generally when we can't perform, we've hit a ceiling. And the ceiling is tethered to unprocessed, unresolved stuff. So if a man is sitting in front of me and saying, you know, everything's okay, why are you here? And if we can get to a place where, oh, you know, you know, I live in a sexless marriage or, you know, I'm doing really well in my business, month over month, we're increasing revenue, but it's, I'm sort of dissatisfied. Okay, awesome. Then I start talking to them about what happened in their past. I want to just pluck events from their past, significant events, and I'll start asking questions and then I'll start making connections for them. Right. Or I'll help them make connections for themselves. How do you think that when you were bullied when you were 13, do you think from that day when you decided to never be bullied again and now you've developed a nine figure business, do you think that non figure business is actually connected to that? They may say, oh, yeah, yeah, maybe it is because I just didn't want to take shit from anyone again. And I really wanted to prove that I was something important. And I want, I needed to, this is my words, not theirs, seek that external validation. But I needed to make sure I was valuable and no one would with me again if I had lots of money. They wouldn't do that. Cool. Okay, great. How do you think that attitude plays out with your wife when you're arguing? Because that shit from being bullies actually unresolved, you haven't solved it. It's still in your nervous system. Yeah, you've created great success for them. But that's not a solve or that's not a fix or that's not you healing from that. That defensiveness and that need to be the best is coming out in your relationship with your wife. In fact, what would your wife say about you? I can just make it really simple, man. Like I just, I pull what, what's happening in your life now? What's happened? Make some connections for them and that Helps them understand. It's not.

Woo.

It's just basic psychology. It's, it's, it's a cause and effect scenario. It's not, it's nothing too complex for me. I don't feel it's too complex. I just help simplify it for them to make them. And help them understand. It's not too complex for them.

Yeah. When you, it's almost like you make it like more logical. Like you're like, well, let's go back and look at different.

When I'm working like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But here's. Can I. Let me say one thing to that. Yeah, but let me say one thing that you're right. So I'm a little bit of a chameleon like that. So I can, I can sit down with a homeless guy and, and talk to him and I've worked in men's. Homeless men's homeless shelters for years as part of my tertiary education, as part of what I just wanted to do. I work in nursing homes with older people with dementia specifically. Like, I've really put myself in different places in the world. Right. And. And I can also sit and speak with a billionaire. The thing is though, if I'm. If I've got a guy, like, I want to assess the type of guy, I want to assess how does he learn and where does he come from in understanding himself and what, what does he value most? And for most men, it's. It's logic. It's rationale. Right. It's. It's really understanding. Well, this is. This, that is that compartmentalization and helping them, where do they fit in that? But the other part to that is that what everyone needs. And I'm pretty absolute with this. Right. And this is a, this is a relational adaptation that we've had is one of the reasons, I believe, where, I don't want to say advanced as humans, but we are, where we are as humans is.

Yeah.

The advent of fire. Yeah. Psychedelics. Yeah. Eating meat, cooking meat, like all that stuff. Right. Yeah. Our brains develop in a particular way, but this is called social neuroscience. The way we've actually developed in groups of people has had a massive effect on how our nervous systems have developed and how we've been able to be an access creativity because we're out of survival places. So when, eg Garrett, some of the best things you've done in your life in terms of your career, would you say in part has been tethered to the support of your wife? Yeah, yeah, in part. Not completely, of course. The Other factors there.

Right, right. Yeah, yeah.

But you, you know that she's got it down with your children. She's got you. When gets real, like there's a, there's a sense of relational emotional safety there. And as a result of that, you're not busy surviving in all these other areas of your life and you're able to be creative and through your creativity you're able to generate and generate success. Right. However you define success being very broad brushstrokes here.

Right.

So when we're in the presence of compassion, non judgment, curiosity, understanding and empathy, when someone actually extends that to someone else, which is so often than not the first time we have actually experienced that. Danielle, you said this like I grew up in a loveless household. I met Garrett and you know my words, not yours, but my heart started to open and I started to feel, oh, this is really what I want. So not only did you start moving to deeper level, you know, expressions of femininity, natural femininity, but you also started to tap into all this love that's coming to me. I'm being met with love and understanding and curiosity, first time of experiencing it, but I really want more of this. When people experience that, because most of our wounds are devoid of that, it's in isolation, it's in rejection, it's in abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, etc. When we start to experience being met with compassion, non judgment, understanding and empathy, we start to soften in our nervous system. We regulate. So we move into a parasympathetic response which can be very shocking for people because it's so unfamiliar. But we actually start to create spaciousness in our bodies and psyches. And from that place we can generate, we can create, we can love, we can start thinking and feeling in deeper ways. That is something I very much focus on when I'm working with people. And it's very subtle, it's all, you know, you can call it energetic, but it's all non verbal. It's not so much me saying, hey, I'm going to be really compassionate and loving with you right now. No, no, I show them that through action that there lays people's defenses down. Doesn't matter, brother. I've worked with the toughest guys in the world. I'm sure you have as well. Special ops guys, guys that have seen war, some of the best fighters in the world, world champions, when you meet them in a particular way. And they've got to be ready as well, they've got to be open to it, at least enough, man. They Open and soften.

Hey, I hope you're enjoying the show. This quite interrupt here from whatever it was we were talking about. Probably my wife's ass on the Internet or some other thing like my balls on the Internet. Something in that genre. Listen, inappropriate as it is, what I can tell you is that Living the Warriors Way is the backbone to everything we've built. It is the foundational operating system for a man and or a woman to learn how to have it all every single day. It is the pursuit of freedom in a very systematic and gamified approach. We've been doing it now for 12 years. We've guided tens of thousands of men and women to figure it out themselves too. For a free trial today, go check it out@warriorlaunch.com. yep. So when you look at the topic of reactivity from guys, how much in your experience is the reactivity? There's versus a shitty approach by their wife, meaning her activity is causing the reactivity. We're going to end this debate for all. We have a professional on this show, for God's sakes. Because there are times, bro, I'm telling you, she will be like, your reactivity, reactivity. And I said, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hit the fucking brakes. Wait a second. There's always a Genesis. Adam and Eve didn't just show up. There was a beginning. So let's look at Adam and Eve showed up, AKA my reactivity. And let's rewind this bit back to the start of said problem, which was your tone and these words.

Exactly.

And you said this this way. Then I reacted. You punched me first, I punched you back. And now we want to go to therapy and talk about my strike. My counter strike. Why are we going to therapy talking about my counter strike? You were the first one to punch flag on you. We're not throwing a penalty on the second punch flag on the field. Illegal maneuver by the woman has said dumb shit in a bad tone with bad words to her man. He of course acted so. Dude, that was my comical overtake. You probably deal with this every single day.

Let's talk about the tone. The tone is like, hey, babe, do you think you could put your towel in the basket instead of the floor? That'd be great.

Yeah. Do you hear that? That's aggressive. Don't ask it like that. That's aggressive.

Just like a legit question.

That was aggressive.

I should make my voice a little higher.

Do it sweet like you want. Call me Poppy. You know, just say, puppy, you're in Miami now. Just go like this and just Rub yourself and say, puppy, can you pick the towels up? And I'll be like, oh, my God, I'll do anything for you now.

But me. Me asking to put the towel in was like me saying, like, you piece of. You didn't work hard today. I'm like, what in the hell? I just asked you to put the towel in the basket.

All right, we're going to stop talking. Let the expert tell us why it's your fault.

Yeah, G, You. You're gonna like the answer, brother. But I'll.

I'll be.

I'm just gonna speak the truth. My truth, at least.

So go for it.

The actual answer is both. The actual answer is both, right? You're both. You're both coming. So, Danielle, you could have. You could, if you really wanted to, say it in a different way, right? But that. That's. That's also for you. Like, do you want to say it in a different way, or do you want to just be in your anger, in your frustration, or whatever it is, right? In your annoyance? And, Garrett, that reactivity lives within you. That expression, that outward expression is. Is an agitation that lives within you. And she can't be responsible for that because she'll never be, because she can even talk really sweetly. And she may catch you on an off day, and she may be saying it really nicely, but it's still going to annoy you because you still may interpret it as why she. On me. I bring in all this money. I do all these things. I do A, B and C, X, Y and Z. That insecurity or that pain point or that frustration or that unspoken thing lives within you. And just like you, Danielle, if you're making him mean that he misses that, that he doesn't appreciate you, he doesn't respect you, whatever it may be. These are just deeper conversations to have around what's really underneath. What's really underneath. And so if you both. Or we can't take responsibility for our own, we're constantly going to be projecting that on someone else, and we're constantly be going to. Going to be in A, lose, lose game because, A, you can't control it, and B, it's putting such a massive expectation that's also building resentment. It's like, well, you just say it to me nicer. Well, you don't. Don't be reactive. Will you just say to me nice? And I won't be reactive? Well, if you just do the thing that I'm asking you to do, then I won't have to ask, like, it just never Ends. It's infinite. It's an infinite loop. But what's underneath him not putting the towel in there. Like, can you both get honest and real with each other and also really fucking kind? Because underneath that reactivity, Garrett, for you, is probably an insecurity, probably an unspoken frustration that stack. Because, you know.

Sure.

You mentioned stacking, you know, modalities or stacking, whatever it may be, it works the opposite way as well. Anything that's unspoken stacks and it leaks out. And so you just gotta be responsible for both of you. How's it leaking out?

So when you look. This was like. The conversation I was getting to, like, a few days ago was like, there was my reactivity to your activity, and I was trying to get to a place of like, hey, own all your shit, and how you said it and what you said. I'll own my shit, and how I responded and why I acted. And, like, owning both sides of the street opens up the opportunity for conversation. Is that what I'm hearing?

Take you somewhere? Because, man, I think you and I are so alike, it's probably not funny, right? It's.

It's.

We're so, like. Because I'm here to speak, and I'm like, is he in my head? Is this kind of my. Does he live in my house? Okay, so here's. Here's the thing. If we're talking masculine feminine dynamics, and. And you two. This is. I wanna. I'll just say the word. You. You seem to have a traditional. Which is, again, very arbitrary and subjective, but for the sake of this conversation, traditional masculine, feminine dynamic. That's what it appears like. In order for the feminine to submit and surrender, she needs to feel safe with the masculine. So the masculine needs to lead. That meaning in this specific dynamic. Need is a strong word. It's useful if you do. In this particular dynamic, you don't need to react. You could say, hey, darling, I totally hear you. You want me to put the. The towel in the basket? Is there another way that you can ask me. Could you ask me in a nicer way? And I know I need to be more attentive to that and aware of that because it's important to you. I'll make sure I get onto that. Because here's the reality, man. You're 200, £215 or 210. You ripped. As. You're strong, you know, you could. No offense, Danielle, but it's. That's. This is basic biological principles, right? Like, he's a strong guy. You don't need to be reactive to protect yourself. There's no threat there. It's.

It's.

It's an activating something deeper within you and you. And I'm saying when I'm speaking to you now, I'm speaking to me. When my wife says the same thing to me. Like, I might catch a look that she gives me, and I make that look mean, that she's spiteful, angry. So I'll say to her, why the you looking at me like that? And she says to me, looking at you how? And I said, the look. The look that you're just giving me. But in reality, that looks reminding me of a past partner. Or it's compounded, right? Or that happened when I was younger. Or me not being in. In a responsive tone with my wife and living in frustration, reactivity, ready to pounce on her, to show her that I'm the boss. Because in that moment or in those moments, I'm feeling insecure, for sure.

Oh, it's interesting too, because, like, one of the conversations he'll have, I'll be like, listen, I can own my tone, but my. Your reactivity is way bigger than my tone. Like, they're not equal playing fields. I'm like, you spark. And the fire like me. Like, I was asked for a towel, and I got, like, a freaking tsunami coming at me over a towel, you know? So that's where I'm like, I can own that. I could have been like, hey, I know you had a long day. Say it nicer, however. But, like, there was, like, literally, like, flames were thrown, like, so aggressively. So that's where I'm like, I'll take accountability. But does that slow the reactivity down?

How did the Los Angeles fire start?

Somebody.

It's a fire. They came in and blowtorch some big fires everywhere. It wasn't like, magically out of nowhere, God threw fire on the earth. And there was burning. Somebody was like, pyro, pyro, pyro. All right, I'm around, but I'm kind of serious.

But I think that's why women, like, stop sharing.

But there's some truth to that, right? So. But we're only focused on the conscious parts of this. There's the unconscious, the unspoken, the unresolved. Yeah, that's the thing, guys. Like, there is no manual for this stuff. Right? I really commend both, and I really mean this sincerely, because I. I can't imagine what this would be like. I commend both of you for being together for so long, having multiple children at different ages, and still wanting and willing to do life together. And my thing that I would just say to you is, like, it's gonna be okay. You guys are awesome. Like, it's gonna be okay that your comes up and. And because multiple realities live at the same time, for me at least keep being willing to. To. To go into the. The minutia of where the stuff comes from in terms of how you communicate. And again, I'm just speaking to myself here. And it's a constant humbling of self. And it's hard, man. It's hard when you know you're so powerful in all these other areas of your life. But then you've got to humble yourself not to someone else, but to your own reactive patterns, to your own defenses, to your own stuff that's not really working, that's causing friction that doesn't need to be there. It's the humbling to that that I find personally very difficult because it's constantly. And it's not saying that I'm not good enough, but it's constantly saying, I could do that better. I really could.

How do you play out the reality of like being gaslit and like the tendency where like. Cause there's some will be radically responsible. And we have guys like this too, where they're radically responsible. And frankly, the wife's just a fucking bitch. Like she just gaslights the shit out of him about everything. It's always his fault, no matter what. And in our culture, the hard part we got to was gu are so radically accountable for everything. Like, this is what we're teaching you are the epicenter of creation of your life. You can't be a victim to anyone else. Own all of your shit. All the results are your fault. Because in that place you have the power to go create something new. But then we'll get in a situation with guys where the whole group will be sitting around going, bro, you need to drop this woman now. This shit had never get any better. How do you deal with it when you're in that place, you're managing your activity, you're owning it. But these guys are still in a relationship with a woman who is just. Or vice versa, the other direction, by the way, a woman who's doing it with a guy who's doing that. How do you know the difference between I need to be healthy and own my stuff versus I'm being healthy and own my stuff and that person is a gaslighting narcissist and I need to get the fuck out of here.

Yeah. So the starting point for that is Some really sincere self evaluation. So self evaluation and peer evaluation. So in other words, do I have enough self awareness to know that I'm. Can I keep doing better? Can I put aside for a moment and we'll come to this in a second, that, that he or she is a nas. A gaslighting narcissist. Put. Put that aside or has narcissistic tendencies. Just for a moment, but can I be doing better? Let me verify that through my peer group of accountability. So I'm going to go to my man. And again, it's all predicated on honesty and truth. You've got to be truthful with yourself and with your brothers or with your accountability group. Could I be doing better, guys? Yeah, maybe you can in this area. Cool. Let me go practice that. Am I witnessing or seeing any change in my dynamic or with my wife in the instance that you gave? No, I'm not. Okay, now let's assume that there are gaslighting practices, these are real and there are narcissistic tendencies and that person is unwilling to change. Then I would be looking at, well, you're still choosing to be in this relationship. I get it. You got businesses together, you've got trusts and wills and deeds and everything is tied up together. You've got children. I get it. Okay. And what is the fear or the fears that are stopping you from leaving are stopping you not even from leaving, but from putting a boundary in place and a request of hey, here's how I'm showing up. Here's how you're showing up at how I perceive you. This is what I need to change. And if these things don't change in this way, I can't be in this relationship anymore. And that's a self honoring truth. It's not a threat. You know, it's not a threat. It's a. So it's because it's coming from a grounded, it's got to come from a grounded place within the come from really matters. And if they're not doing that, why are you scared to make that request? What's underneath that? Because that's where the healing is. Because once you hear the source, you heal the source of that and the core of that, then the decision making of being so in a self honoring position for you and for your children. Because it's not healthy for your children to watch their father be, you know, hurt, emasculated, gaslit, etc, by their, their mother or vice versa. So you're not making a great decision. I get there. There's nuance to Circumstances, being a father, I get it. But there's fears that are underneath that. That need to be addressed.

So that piece, as we've talked through this as a couple, and it's tough because you have the world that you go from in coaching where you're doing the thing you do, and you're respected for what you do, and you have people who are leaning in, saying, oh, Steph, you're so amazing. I love your content. I shared it with 900 of my friends. I'm a client of yours. You are the man. You are the man. You are the man. You are the man. You are the man. You were the man. You were the man. I love you. You're the man. Oh, my God. And then thousands of women are like, oh, dear, Steph, he's the. The man. If I just had Steph as a man because he's so great, I'm gonna comment on all his posts and send him DMs. I shouldn't, because I want to be with Steph. And now he's a man. And then you come home to Christine, and Christine's been at home with the baby, and she's like, hey, guess what, asshole? Don't give a shit about anything you've done today. If you saved the world, hero, I still think you're a dick because you didn't put your towel in the bin.

It's an important towel.

You know what I'm saying? It's like, you go save the goddamn world. Nine suicides don't happen. The world's all over here. And then you come home.

Home.

And your wife walks in. It's not like, hey, babe, thanks for killing us for us today. Thank you for the castle, thank you for the boats, thank you for the house, thank you for the cars, thank you for the trips, thank you for the travel, thank you for all the kids, thank you for showing up, thank you for love, and thanks for running night dude with the sick kids. No first comment in the house after a long week of war.

It wasn't the first.

Hey, babe, you see what's on the.

Floor right there wasn't the first.

And my first thought is, I don't give a what's on the floor right now. I'll hire 12 people to handle that right now. Don't ever ask me about that goddamn tal again. Woman. When I come through the door, you asked me the right question, which is? King Garrett.

Oh, my God.

We honor your return to the castle.

This is who I'm married to.

He knows exactly what I'm Talking about. Chris knows exactly. Seth knows exactly what I'm talking about.

So I just really wanted to chow in the bin.

How. How. Like, when you're. When you. Now let's talk about you. Just like you. Because there's, like, Eminem and Marshall Matters. There's Garrett J. White, and then there's Garrett, and then there's seducing, you know, provocateur extraordinary. We call him Garrett. And that guy's got some mad skills in the bedroom. Then there's Garrett J. White running the movement. There's Garrett at home. There's. Got it. So talk me through the dynamic, you and Christine. Where. Where is a game for you two, where even though you got it figured out out here and could guide the world to it, there's just a piece still where you guys are working through, figuring stuff out. Because this is a part two with our listeners. Sometimes they'll hear particularly as well spoken as you are and as great as you are in your messaging people. I would take my new assistant who came and started working for me six weeks ago. I was telling her about an addiction I was in two years ago and problems Danielle and I were having. And she looked at me and she's like, how can you lead this movement if you were having these problems? I was like, bro, it's the fact that I have these problems, I'm honest about them, and work through them publicly in the public domain that qualifies me to lead. So, like, where do you see, like, for you and as a couple, like, what are the things that you guys have, like, figured out but also are still working on right now to try to take to the next level?

Yeah, you know, some of the things that we're really working on, and it's a. I think it's a constant evolution, man. Yeah, just there's, I guess, always something to work on. Not at every moment of every day, but things just arise as you. Because we're different people to who we were a minute ago, yesterday, or six months ago. And so that newness brings new challenges. Right. And so for us, one of the things that we're working on is the. Is the reactivity. So for me, you know, I mentioned that I grew up in a. In a really quite a violent, volatile environment. My dad was very moody, and, you know, we inherit the best and the worst of our parents, and, like, relationships bring out the best and the worst of us. Everything's connected. Right. And so for me, you know, I don't like to admit this or own this, but I can. I Can be moody. I can be very rough and reactive for no. No apparent reason. Right. And I can bring that energy into my household. Like, I'm basically a lighter version of what my father was now, definitely not how he was. And I've, of course, worked on this a lot, but there's still a lot of room there to grow. And it's not just psychological. There just could be some, you know, base biological stuff that needs addressing, you know, neurochemical stuff, hormonal stuff, whatever it may be. Right. I'm talking about brain physiology specifically. And so that's a big challenge for us because it really, with all the pressure Christine has felt just from being a mama. Right. And just from being an entrepreneur in the world and, you know, being successful in her own business and holding so much the tolerance she has now is a lot less to hold that reactivity or that moodiness that I bring. Right. That unpredictability, essentially. And it rattles her interior femininity. It rattles her sense of safety. And so, from my perspective, just speaking for myself, that's something I'm very actively working on now. That doesn't mean that I'm like that all the time. I'm not. But I'm like that enough of the time that it causes friction, it causes withdrawal from her. It causes her to retract and be contracted and fearful and not want to open to me, you know, whether that's sexually or emotionally or trust me. And so we. We. That's a dance that we're in right now. And, man, like, I'm a big believer in coaching and therapy and support. Right. Doesn't matter what it looks like, because there's therapists and coaches out there as well. You know, there's great and good and there's bad and effective and ineffective. But we have our own coaches, we have our own therapists, and we work with people as well. We work with couples people, too, to help support us. Because you can't often see the forest through the trees, Right. And so that's. That's a big thing that I'm working on at the moment for me personally is. Is I've sort of come a little full circle to that around. And then, you know, another thing that I just recently worked through. Well, when I say work through, yeah, actually, it's made a massive, massive dent in. Was the mother wound. You know, we touched on this. Garrett, I think, before we. Danielle, before we spoke about that nice guy syndrome. That's a whole other podcast or conversation, but how I was unconsciously projecting my Mother and my dynamic with my mother onto Christine. And nobody wants to their mother and nobody wants to their son in that dynamic. Right? Yeah, it's not, that's not healthy. And so I was unconsciously projecting all unhealed stuff around my mum onto Christine because she sort of replaces that core feminine. It's all unconscious. Right. And I've done a lot of work specifically the last year, but again in different pockets of my life for the last 20 years around that. But something really shifted in our relationship because it shifted within me a few months ago around that because I've been very deliberate with that mother wound. This stuff. The way I'm seeing Christine and the way that I've seen my mum in the past and the annoyance and the frustrations and the reactivity that's being provoked, not so much from Christine, but from unresolved shit within me. And that's made a massive dent positively in our relationship because that, that energetic is not so much there now. And so many men hold this and don't even realize it because how many divorces are out there? More than 50%. The like the chances are in those divorces the mother is, is with that son more than the father is. And I'm not blaming mums or dads yet. Please be very, be very clear. But they do the best that they can. And often that young boy becomes either over feminized and, or enmeshed and entangled with that mother. And that can lead to a nice guy syndrome, that can lead to disrespecting women, that can lead to dishonoring self and prioritizing women and people pleasing is a whole bunch of patterns that are evoked from that. But we men particularly have to heal that mother wound or that that wound with the feminine.

So this is, I mean for sure was a piece for me like just dealing with my mom and like how I was raised. My dad was like not alpha, not aggressive, not intense, not really present, always gone, never saw him, struggled to make money his whole life. So my mom was like alpha and omega at the house. That was the game. And then I got so like I got this thing with my mom and then I come into our relationship with you and you don't. I come to a world where you talk about what you're feeling and we talk about what you're expressing and you say I love you. It's like part of the protocol. And then like you don't talk about your feelings and you don't say I love you. I mean there was times like I'd be like, I love you. And she'd be like, great, thank you. I'm like, thank you. I'm like, no, no, no.

I don't do that anymore, though.

I'm like, what the hell are you doing right now? This has to go the other way. But even if you look at our tendencies still, too, when you're feeling not seen or feeling like we've tried to work through this with the work dynamic too, which is like, when I'm in war mode and I gotta go, we just moved to Miami. We, like, move the companies, move our family moved everyone. Like, I'm under. We're running man in the arena tour. And all these big things that are opening up and all these things are occurring. And side note, we need to talk about that. So I'll talk about that offline. But there is all this happening, like, juggling new environments, moving from west coast to east coast, all of it. And there's a piece in that where we start to just do our thing, which is almost like this survival thing with each other. Where I go into, like, I'm gonna grind and I'm gonna cover the kids, and then I'm gonna love you and not. And then I'm like, not gonna say something. Cause I'm kind of tired, so I might say stupid shit. So I'm not gonna say anything right now. Cause I'm probably gonna say stupid shit. And then she'll go into, like, protect mode. I know she's in protect mode too. Cause she walks around like she's a giant Barbie doll without a heart. She's just like, walking around like, very pretty, red bottoms on, but all feelings are shut down. They're like, you are getting none of my energy right now. I am in survive mode because I don't see you in a enough. So, like, as you guys, are you traveling a lot for, like, work? Like, are you and Christine doing most of your stuff together? Are you just traveling by yourself or how does that work?

Both. So I do travel a fair amount, and we used to travel a lot together. And obviously having a child is a little. Little more challenging for, you know, several reasons. But we bring Athena with us wherever we go as. As often as we can. Right. Especially if it's not a massive time zone change difference. But yeah, I do travel a fair amount. I've got some business in Australia as well. And so I'll be going back there more and more now. And we have to be very deliberate with intimate time. We have to be very deliberate with connection time. We have to Be very deliberate with not being too much both of us in our masculine where, it's all about logistics. It's all about, you know, setting everything up, like, you know, moving. Moving a whole home and interstate. It's a lot, and it's very unsettling. So we have to be very deliberate with how we ground team together and how we ground separately as well, because we're, you know, separate sovereign beings. And I'll tell you right now, man, we do not always get it right. And most of the time we go to that default pattern of survival, which is just get done check boxes, because that's going to feel more fulfilling. But what feels really more fulfilling, and I'm sure you both can attest to this, is when you just slow down. You with yourself and you're with each other and none of the other shit matters. It doesn't need to get done. It's going to be okay. And that's when you feel most connected, and that's when you can open to each other in a more profound way.

Is that true for you? Yeah.

I feel like for us, it's like, it's very. Like a week will go by and even though he's seen each other, we really haven't seen each other, you know, And I'll be like, man, did I. Did we. Did we, like, talk last week? Even though we see each other every single day, but there's this like, yeah, just get shit done kind of mode, where then I'm like, hey, we can't let that go on for too long, which we have in the past. And then there's no chemistry or connection or even a want, you know, and there's just. We're not even attracted to each other physically, and we're just kind of there. So for me, like, when that happens, I try to be very intentional as the woman, to be like, I gotta bring you back to earth. Like, let's. Like you said, like, let's have a moment where, like, we don't need to fight about that happened, but, like, let's just kind of try to reconnect, if that makes sense. Let's like, yeah, of course. Come back together. So that's. I mean, we still go through that. I just, for me, at least, I try to not let it, like, drag out.

I was like, we've been in the last month. We've been in the last month with everything moving. As I'm saying, we had pure fire momentum. And then the fucking move from Orange county to Miami and the no offices, and now we're getting our offices and all my teams are moving and all this shit's happening and we have Christmas and New Year's and go fuck yourself holidays and all these things are happening. And I feel it like, I feel like that's what I was telling you. I was like, I feel like we disappear for a week right now and then like we see each other on Saturday. We're like, oh, hi. And I'm like, I should not. We should have way more sex this week. What the fuck is going on? Like, I need to have more sex with you. I need to connect with you more. But it's like there's so much happening all at once. Is it? You hear this from, you hear this from other couples.

Oh, for sure, man, for sure. And it's, you know, there's so, there's so much, there are so many layers to this though as well. Like how you perceive deep and intimacy and connection could be either slightly different or a lot different to how Danielle does as well. Not all the time, but sometimes. Right. And, and how, you know, whether it's a love language thing or it's something else. And, and again, you know, the, the complexity in the busyness of life, we let it take over. And, and again, like if we slow down enough and actually unpack why that's happening, it's usually tethered to a belief of I have to. Yes, you love being creative, you love generating, you love being of service. All those things are true. But ultimately, if we're in an extreme expression of something, it's usually tethered to low self esteem, low self worth, insecurity, a belief of I just have to do this to be valuable and worthy or I have to do this because this is all I know and this is how I've survived, like underneath the stuff. And that's the, you know, man, like you. I've done a lot of plant medicine and I've been in the, in that journey space for many years. And some of the deepest work I've done has, has definitely been in with, with plant medicine and with those sacraments, so very sacred sacraments. But some of the deepest work I've done has been getting into the minutia and the intricacies of why I do what I do and actually verbalizing, vocalizing and being in truth with that and, and really owning it. And then, you know, combined with somatic work has been very, very powerful for bridging this gap. So this pattern doesn't keep happening with you guys, whether it's because of a move or because of something else? Because there's always going to be a reason.

Yeah, I mean, we were definitely a place better than we've ever been in our whole lives. And things that we keep coming back to on it with us is like we're trying to give. Trying to give as much hope as we can to couples like us that have been for. Together for almost 22 years, married, we've got five kids, we've got two businesses that are major brands. And we're pushing life to the end of the game. We're playing habit of lifestyle. We're both physically on fire. We're spiritually connected and plugged in. We're pouring into each other two date nights a week and trips every quarter and overnights every month and messages every day. And then our kids and pouring into our children and then continue to both fulfill our vision of building things we feel God's asking us to do, like giving people hope. Like, listen, you can do this. Like, it's possible. Like, you can do this. It doesn't have to end in divorce. It doesn't have to end in chaos. It doesn't have to end in losing half the empire because you couldn't get your straight because inevitably you're going to end up. You're going to end up in a program. Whether you're doing all. You're going to end up in my program. You end up with Steph and you're going to end up in a place realizing, dude, this is all I could have done if I actually just committed to it with the woman I was with, versus ending it. And if you're in Miami finding a Colombian woman to be with, which, you know, they're all over the place. I get it in Miami. Welcome to Miami, papi. Do you know I got Danielle to call me Poppy once.

I think I had some tequila.

I said, we, yeah, literally we're having sex. And I, she, I said, listen, I just want you to call me Poppy.

She's like, just once.

I loved it. It was so good. You were so funny. It was so good. It was, was so good. Well, bro, listen, how we'd love to have you back on with your wife next time and hear her perspective too. When you with the kind of wrap up for today's show, talk to me about like, like the thing that people like. The best place people can start following me on me. Obviously, we've been consuming a bunch of your content on social media, which is fantastic. Like, your Instagram content's like fire. Is that where you. Would that be A good place to start. Would it be going to another place as well as that or TikTok or where would you say?

Yeah, I'd say Instagram, YouTube, tick tock is going to be a good place to start. And it's at stefanosafandos is the, is the, is the handle. They're the great, the best place to start. And then my website, stephanosofanos.com or if you want to work with me, coach with Steph.com to, to apply for coaching. Yeah, Pretty straightforward.

I love it. The good news is.

Yeah. Oh, go on.

If you can't spell your. If you can't spell his name going on the Instagram, then don't worry, go to his website because you'll still not be able to spell his name.

That's right.

So what we're going to do is we're going to tag both of those up. You had the easy one though, too.

What was it? What was it?

Work with Steph or was it coachwithstep.com what was that one?

Coachwithsteph.com yeah.

Yeah. See, there you go. For all the people who draw with big fat crayons, like, you know, four colors, you only have four and a big fat crayons. It can't break because you just don't know what you're doing. You got work. Coachwithsteph.com and then for the really, like highly, like very elite, logical, very smart people who can spell really hard fucking names. That's where you go either way. For all of us who are dummies, we'll put the links down below the show as you look at like, what has like kind of last question for today's show. What if you were to summarize all the work you've done with couples and you brought you back, you came back to all of the work you've done with you and Christine as a couple, plus all the work you're doing with couples in your events, workshops and also in one on one. What would you say is like of all the things, what is the singular which you've come to determine as either like the most critical primary domino in causing all of the success to happen or the thing that when a couple does this, it opens things up for them faster. Obviously there's a lot more work to do after that. But there's like the entry thing. What would you say is the entry thing? No matter who's listening to this show, they're saying, hey, if you're in my world and you're working with me here's what we know, or here's what I found has been true over the years.

I'm going to give you a couple of things that are all connected, right? So the first is stay long enough in the relationship to bear its fruits. You guys are, case in point, example. We are an example as well, but in a different way. You know, we've been together seven years. You guys have been together 22 years, right? That's a real, real beautiful example. Stay long enough in the relationship to bear its fruits. The other part to that, that's connected and tethered to that is go. You have to go to the really uncomfortable places within yourself and within the relationship. So you've got to be very truthful. And. And if you don't go to those uncomfortable places and you're not willing to do that and you don't face that stuff, you're not willing to work on it staying, you. You can stay longer, you can be 50 years together, but you won't bear any fruits at all, right? You've got. You've got to stay in the relationship long enough to bear its fruits, to get the wisdom, to extract the lessons, to grow out of patterns that don't serve you. But you can only do that if you're willing to do the work. And doing part of doing the work is getting very uncomfortable with and facing all of yourself, like, really turning that mirror in and using the relationship as that mirror. If you can do that and you can take ownership of, of you, and you can begin to really feel the stuff that's been unfelt in your life that you've suppressed. Chances are, again, this isn't about staying together or divorcing, but if you do separate, chances are you'll separate in a very conscious, healthy way, in a mature way. And if you stay together, you're going to experience a very beautiful life, one that you couldn't even dream of because you've helped each other grow through that.

True. That's what we're doing. Yeah, we're doing that. If you look at those two things, those two things are exactly it.

Well, we've had that exact conversation. Like, yeah, we could probably part our ways and be just fine, but what could we do together? And who would we become in being together as long and not just like coexisting together, but actually really building something? You know, like you said, your fruit is your fruit and things like that. So me and Garrett are on that journey. Just sometimes he needs to put his towel in the bin.

Yeah, just put your towel in the fucking bin. It's not hard.

Just put your towel in the bin and the order of the universe will be restored. Yeah, it's always gonna come back. Some basic stuff like that, you know, it's like me coming back and telling on this show. I'm like, listen, ladies, make your life easy. Just help this guy come a few times a week. He's so much happier when he does this. If you put him in the pressure cooker and the testicles start filling up and then he's like overwhelmed, and then he's got cum brain and he can't think of anymore, and then he goes to porn and jerks off and then he does stupid shit and then he feels guilt and weird. And then he feels weird because he's getting images all day long in his brain and then everybody looks at. All of a sudden he's seeing porno images. And all of this could have been solved if he just put the fucking towel in the Ben. And then he would have got late.

I know.

True story. See, I kind of loop that back. You're still right. You win. You're great. Steph, it has been amazing having you on the show today and I'm going to hit you up offline too to to connect. We'd love to have you part of something for doing with man in the arena tour. I think the conversations you have in her, like, amazing. And I know men need to have them. I know their show has been amazing too. Gonna really put out their show. Listen. Coachorstep.com and also the hard ways of spelling his name, which I'm not going to try right now. Stefanos. Say the last name again.

Stefanos.

Stefanos. That's the last name.

Stefanos.

No, that's his first name. That's your first name. What's your last name?

Stefanosafandos.

Oh, sofandos. Jesus. Dude, now it's all starting to sound exactly the same to me. So fandos.

There you go.

Why are you looking at me like. Because I'm like. You were about to say. You weren't about to say it.

You both said it. Good.

Yeah. All right, close out the show, man. Let's go.

All right, you guys, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of the date your wife podcast. We are not experts, but this guy seems like an expert, so definitely check out. Steph, it was so great to meet you, have you on the show today. And you guys, we ask of one thing. If you're hearing this and you're relating to it or you think it could help somebody share this podcast. Thank you so much for listening, you guys. We'll see you every single week on another episode of the Day your Life podcast.