How to Play the "I Don't Give a F**k" Game | Date Your Wife | Ep 027

Hello, my friends. Welcome to the date your wife podcast. My name is Garrete White, the founder of Wake up Warrior and your co host here at the date your wife podcast. I am here with my beautiful co host. There she is on video. You can see her. Her name is Danielle K. White. She is the founder of DKW styling and creator of natural beaded Rose.

Thanks for introducing me.

You're welcome. Talking to that microphone.

Welcome to my show.

Welcome to your show. I'm simply your arm candy and your bag. I'm your handbag. I'm a good looking handbag. Sure, sure.

I was like thinking, if you were a handbag, what handbag would you be?

What handbag would I be? For sure, Hermes.

Really?

Yeah. That's 40,000, right? Isn't that what it is? That's probably the highest $40,000 Hermes bag. Yeah, that is me.

Really?

Yep, that is me. Just so you know.

All right, my friends, I don't have one in my closet yet, so.

No. Well, you don't need one in your because you got one in your bed. You got one in your bed. Don't need one in your closet.

Walking towards Hermes.

Nope. Already have it in your bed. Good times. Ready to go. All right, gentlemen, ladies, here is the deal. We are currently sitting inside of a podcast that's allowing us to discuss the following, which is the ideas of being married while living the Warrior's way, which you can learn more about the warrior's way if you're a man and or a woman by heading to warriorbook.com and join over 20,000 men and families who have invested in the Warrior book and have begun the journey of learning the warrior's way to having it all across body, being, balance and business. So this conversation here in this particular podcast is about us taking a little journey down four topics.

Memory lane.

Memory lane. Memory. Memory lane.

On memory lane.

Yes. Topic number one in the first week is your favorite topic is what?

Qqp.

Qqp. What does this mean? It is my favorite topic. It is yours too.

We have four topics.

What's the first topic?

The first one is how to have sex.

How to have sex.

It's a how to guide to have sex.

It's a how to guide to having sex. Okay, cool. So first week is sex. What's the second week do do do?

Kids. Parenting. Communication. Money.

Yes, Money. Money. Money. Money. Third week is. And the drum roll.

Kids. Parenting.

Kids and parenting. And the fourth week, which would bring us into today's topic and Danielle for the quadruple crown, the Answer is.

Sex.

I like where you're going with this, and I'm happy to take it as sex, but unfortunately, today is the topic of communication.

Okay, so let's get started, because. Communication. Communication. I feel like I am actually somewhat of a shy person, I guess you could say, or just more introverted. I actually don't think I'm shy. I'm just kind of introverted. But it's funny because the first thing I saw in Garrett was that he was way over outspoken. And at first, I gotta tell you, way over outspoken. I gotta just tell the story.

All right, tell it. Let's go.

We're on the topic of communication.

Let's go. Because I'm an Aramas bag. Continue.

Okay. Wow. Okay, this won't play in the air maze category, then.

All right.

But working towards it.

Okay, good.

Give it to us. I met Garrett when I was 18.

18 years old.

Yeah. Yeah. And I. We were in college and I remember we met him. I met him at the first, like, event of the year for uvu, which is the college I was going to. He was with some of his friends, I was with some of mine. And literally the first thing, I couldn't see him. I. I just.

You couldn't see me.

He's a tall guy, so I saw, like, I had huge white hair. He had this bleached out, crazy, like, hair. And he was so loud. And I was, like, very loud. We were walking out of the event and I was like, what. What is. What is going on? Why is this guy so loud? What in the world? And then we're walking out to the car, and I'm like, oh, my God, that group of guys with the loud guy is following us. And my friends were into it. And I was just like, hurry, get in the car. Go, go, go. And they were like, no, they were all into it.

Yes, they were totally into. They were loving the insanity.

It's funny, because then we. Anyway, some of my friends started talking to, actually, Garrett. I was in the car.

Were you really in the car that day?

I don't know.

You ditched into the vehicle, literally.

But maybe that's what you were like, who's that girl?

Like, I always remember talking to your friend Shelly.

I've always been the more mysterious one.

You were a little mysterious. Does that mean you were just a little more, like, self conscious?

No, no, not self conscious.

A little less social.

I have this attitude of, like, I don't really give a shit. Let's get on the road.

Is that really what it was when you were 18. I don't give a shit. Let's get on the.

My attitude.

And all your girlfriends are sitting outside.

The car, but I have to, like, go out. Like, go out of my I don't give a shit attitude and actually be social.

Okay.

Because then I feel like I. Yeah, I just. It's like something I just have to do. So anyway, story goes where he's talking to my roommates anyways, like. And that was the first thing that I was attracted to. And Garrett later, when I met it, when I met him outside of that moment, was. He was, like, very outgoing. And I remember the first time he picked me up. And, like, it was weird. You asked me out for ice cream, and I was like, weird, because we didn't drink coffee. And I'm like, it's ice cream. Like, coffee.

But do you remember the first time we came to your apartment?

Well, no. No. Yes, but that was before ice cream. So you came in and this was, like, on our first ice cream date.

But this before the ice cream date came the meeting at the apartment.

No, no, I'll go back to that. So. Because I have to. My point being on communication, I remember I was like, God, he's really loud. Like, what's going on? But when we went on our first ice cream date, I'm like, hey, how are you? And you were like, hey. And you're like, do you want to invite me in? I was like, I guess. And you came in and we were, like, sitting there, and you were just talking, and. And then I was like, oh, he's cool. He's actually, like, super chill. And so. And then I saw, like, both sides of you. I saw a side that was, like, super chill. And we always had really good conversation. But then I also saw the side of you that, like, loves to be in the spotlight. And me. Me. And I'm like. I think part of me was, like, attracted and annoyed at the same time.

Yes.

And then with me, it was always like, I was kind of, like, quiet but mysterious, which that was kind of annoying and attractive to you. And so it's interesting because the two areas in communication, which I think we love and loathe. Does that make sense? That's like, that. That's the point that I was trying to make. And that's how it's been with both of us from the beginning is, like, this. This, like, attraction, yet, like. Like, kind of annoyed. But I think I've heard. I've heard that what you see in someone else is what you wish you had in you. So I'm like, maybe I wish I was more outgoing and more woo. I don't know.

Maybe I wish I was more quiet and not giving a fuck. Yeah, it's probably possible, actually. I'm sure it is possible.

And between the two of us, it makes a damn good couple.

Wow. Back to back. I mean, it just leads to not only great sex, but also to a great relationship of battling in good battle though.

But I always felt like our communication was decent. Except for the fact that we did fight a lot for a bit.

We broke up like nine times in two years.

We also fought a lot.

We fought a lot when we were dating. Fought a lot when we were married.

Yeah.

So we had two years of dating fighting, and then we had 10 years of marriage fighting.

Not 10, 10.

Really? 10 years of marriage fighting?

I think five.

We've been married 15 years. Coming this summer.

I know.

It is this summer already.

Best 15 years of my life.

Best 15 years of my life too.

Aw.

Isn't it interesting? Like 15 years is almost half your life. That means half of your life you have been with me. 17 years of your life you have been with me. In your world, you feel like you just met me.

No.

Are you saying that for real or you mean that for real or no?

No. You're always a good surprise.

Always a good surprise.

You gotta keep a girl on her toes or she'll just get bored.

Alright. Do I keep you on your toes?

I think the same. I think it actually goes in both situations. I think like if you're bored or you're safe, that's not necessarily a great place to be in marriage either. Like, I feel like there's a lot of couples that just like truck along, but I don't know. I don't know if that's a great place to be in either. I feel like you're just in maintenance mode. And I always say if you're stagnant, you're digressing. And I believe that goes in relationships as well.

So I'm gonna ask you an interesting question. Are you ready? Sure. If we'd had sex the first night we met, do you think we would have gotten married?

Yeah.

You do?

Yeah.

Okay.

It depends. I think. I think that they're.

Because we did not have sex the first time we got married. We did not even have sex before we got married. No, two years ago together. We did not even kiss for the first two months. I think you kissed me.

There was all you. Always.

You did. Let's tell it how it is. You came after Me. You said this guy. You know what?

You. I Don't Give A Fuck game.

That's right.

That's the title of our show.

How do you think I Don't Give a Fuck.

I Don't Give a Fuck game.

That's the communication strategy. I Don't Give a Fuck. That is our communication strategy.

So this is how. If we're talking about our first kiss.

Yeah, let's talk about it. Because you went in for the kill.

Well, oh, my God.

I mean, some people go in for the sexual kill.

17 times.

17 times we went in for ice cream. And then you decided finally you couldn't handle it anymore.

No, I just remember, like, we were, like, kind of snuggling, hanging out.

We were laying in my bed.

We were laying in your bed. And I was like.

And then you kept creeping closer. And then we were.

Massage is, like two hours in. What else is next?

Yes, yes.

And I was like, I gotta be classy. I can't go in for the kill. So I just remember you did go.

In for the kiss.

No, I.

No, you went in for it. You kissed me.

I remember you, like, lined your face.

I was right next to you.

This was you. If you guys are not watching this, you can go to my blog, dkwsigning.com or you can also go to dateyourwifenow.com but we're laying in bed and his lips on my lip like this.

Like this. Like what? Did you just lick the microphone?

No, like, you were just, like, rubbing that.

Look, I was rubbing your.

Don't go to those websites.

I love what you're doing there on that microphone. That's quite the case.

I just remember your lips were, like, nuzzling on mine.

They were. We were nuzzling lips.

I don't know what this is, but I should probably go in at this point because his lips.

Okay, so wait a second. You have just acknowledged that you went in.

Your lips nudged my lips first. No. Yes, they did.

We brushed.

You were just like.

We brushed.

I was like, is this a dead fish kiss? This is weird. Like, let's get going with this. Like, pick up some moves.

Yes. And you did. You landed one on me. Do you know the thing that's interesting about that is that I actually had to give away my cell phone and my roommates would hold me in check because I had a pat. Burning out relationships with girls very quickly. Like, two weeks and be done. And I was like, I really liked you.

I had that attitude of, like, I really liked you. We could date if we don't that's cool, too.

I know. And I was like, hey, you know, we can kiss you too. But I really wanted to kiss.

That attitude.

I really want to have sex with you. Well, then I did.

You still always want to have sex with you.

I still want to have sex with you all the time.

All the time.

Okay, good. Well, at least nothing has changed in 17 years. All right, so we have this communication strategy thing. We're going to talk about a specific angle in this. Are you ready to do this?

Sure.

Okay, so there's a book I'm gonna recommend. Are you ready for a book recommendation, Mrs. White? No. Do you read?

Is it occasionally? ITunes on speed read Occasionally?

Yes, you can listen to it on audiobook. Speed read.

Speed read. Listen.

All right, so here is the book. The book is a book by the name of crucial conversations.

Oh, I haven't read that one.

No, you have not. This book was a book that we actually studied back in my original companies almost 15 years ago when I first launched one of my mortgage companies. And we got this book, crucial conversations. We hired a consultant from the firm to come in to work with me and my teams and all of my employees in helping us deal with conversation because I was not very good. I was very good at talking, but I was not very good when tension was high in a conversation. I would blow up or I would shut up, meaning I would run away or I would destroy the first.

Like, 10 years.

10 years, yes. So obviously the book didn't do me any good because I was studying at the beginning of our relationship.

Weird.

So communication changed, though, over the years, but you had a natural tendency to do one of the things that communicate. Shit. What was I saying? Crucial conversations. One of the things that crucial conversation teaches. Well, there's a lot of things, but one of the aspects is this triangle of thought process. So we're going to talk about this triangle because you naturally do the triangle. I had to learn and be trained on the triangle. And the triangle is actually the favorite sex move of one of our friends.

How did this go into sex?

Because it always does. This is literally. Do you know a game that we.

Play at warrior Normal for guys, or are you just more vocal about it?

I'm very vocal about it, but guys are actually like this. The more they're around me and other guys like me, they give themselves permission to talk about it. You know, we play a game at our warrior events.

Maybe. What if they gave you permission to, like, not give a fuck mode? Like, what if they gave you permission to hold Back a little like that first kiss. I'm just putting it out there.

I am holding back. Do you see me touching you? No. Simply touching you with my words.

That might be weird.

Simply touching with my words. So anyways, paid and laid is a game that we play. And one of the things we create is we talk about our favorite sexual position, and in that, we name it. You share that we name the sexual position.

Keep it classy.

It is classy.

Tell me more about the triangle.

All right, exactly. This is why I'm telling you, because the triangle is the favorite sex move and the name of one of our friends. I'm not going to tell you who it is. I'm going to keep it. I'm going to keep it classy. You don't even know it. Do you know who it is?

If it's about sex and one of our friends, there's only one person that.

You thought about that is who it is.

Exactly. Exactly. There's one friend that I'm like, we.

Are not talking about them on this show, but we're not talking about on this show. We're just simply going to say their favorite sexual move has a name, and the name is triangle. All right, so now, not to be confused with the favorite sex move our friends, some of our best friends, called the triangle. We are going to discuss the triangle, which is a natural thing that Danielle does when it comes to putting herself in another person's shoes. So, Danielle, before I introduce the triangle, we're going to talk about the natural mode modus operandi, which is the words that use fancy talk for how somebody naturally shows up. Okay, you can't sit a foot away from the microphone. You're going to have to sit.

Playing it cool.

You're playing it cool, or, okay, sit forward and play it less cool. Here's the deal. You naturally have the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes, meaning when back when tensions are high, when there's a lot on the line, when shit is spicy, you seem to have an ability to put yourself in another person's shoes and you defuse the situation. And you did this for decade or longer before I was able to do this. Talk about this whole ability that you have to put yourself in another person's shoes. This is all gonna wrap around, I promise. So what do you got here?

I think that I find myself getting emotionally riled up, and I don't like being in that space. And so then I turn to. Okay, now if, like, I try to take some accountability in the situation, I'M like, if I was this person, could I understand why they were feeling this way? And I literally try to, like, envision that. And then I'm like, it helps me calm down. And then I'm like, okay, that makes sense. I may not agree with it, but it makes me understand why they are reacting the way they are. That's triggering me.

So you would do this with me, then?

I do this with everybody, but I just naturally do it. I naturally, like, flip things. Like, even Garrett will be like, you'll be mad about something. Situation. I'm like, well, maybe you were doing this and this and this. And I automatically put myself, which. That gets me in trouble too. And I'll be like, well, maybe they. And then. But. And I. So sometimes I have to tell myself, like, just listen.

Right?

I'm just here to listen.

Yeah, you're here to listen. Because sometimes using that mode, you would actually say, no matter what was going on for me, you would take the other side.

Yeah. And I wasn't meaning to do that. I was trying to understand the story from both perspectives.

Right. Okay. So you have this natural ability, then, to go into where you are, but you also have an ability to go into where the other person is in the conversation.

Sure.

You put yourself in that space, and it does what to the energy. So if you're angry or the other person you're talking is angry, logically and.

Helps me think clearer.

Okay. So it gives you some clarity on thought.

Yeah.

All right. You able to do this.

And it makes me like, I just said the biggest thing is I'm like, I may not agree, but I can understand the place they're coming from. And it's not even about right and wrong. It's just about, like, this is why it collided, and this is why it happened. And it is what it is. And it's just like, poof, into thin air.

Poof, into thin air. You go, yes.

And I'm like, poof, poof.

Buh. Bye. Okay. So I was not naturally good at this at all. Like, zero. So it was pretty much my way or the highway. And so we got in battles all the time. One of the things that would happen is I would come to fight with Danielle because it was my way or the highway. And Danielle would put herself into the, you know, other person's chair, and I would come at her ready to fight. But she did something that was really fucking tricky.

I reframe.

Do you remember what this trickiness was?

I will tell you what is this.

That the magical trick she would show me her breasts.

That is not the best.

All right, okay, so I. Now she does that to distract the conversation, but back in the day, that was not what she did. Here's what she would do. Ready? She would not fight with me.

I feel like a lot of women probably do that, though.

No, but it was different, though, because you would just vocalize it, and you would look at me and say, listen, I'm not gonna fight with you about this right now. And you would not give any energy to my anger. How did you do this?

I think I've talked about this on some of our other podcasts, but everybody has this, like, emotional state where they flip their lid, and some people flip their lid quicker. It could be like, 1, 2, 3, bam. Mine could be like, 1, 2, three. Verizon 79, 10 bamboo. So I have, like, 17 more levels. The math was wrong there, obviously.

That's a lot of levels. Continue. Don't worry. Everybody's averaging.

I have more levels. Before my lids flipped. And so I would be in a logical space, and I'd see that Garrett was irrational, illogical, and I. For me, I'd have to be like, I'm not gonna fight with you, because what happens if I fight with him? Then I hit a level, Then I hit a level, and then I hit a level, and then I hit a level. Then we both have flipped our lids, and then it's like, war time. So if I can catch it before I get to that space of getting pissed off, and I'm like, I'm not gonna fight with you, because in fighting, I flip my lid, I'm like, I'm gonna peace out. Because I know when we both have gone crazy, then it's really emotional. And you can't really unsay things that you said when you're in that space. And there's always truth to that fucking madness. There is. And so I'm like, is that good or bad? But it's like, it leads to more bad than it does good in my experience.

Okay, so you would diffuse the situation by not actually engaging. You would engage, but you wouldn't give it energy. So I'm gonna spin this through this model that is taught in the book Crucial Conversations. Great book. Wonderful book. We've studied this hundreds of times over the last 15 years. I've used it in and out of all my companies, but also have used it in a way to be able to support how I deal with and engage in conversation was what Danielle naturally did. So here is the space, Right? The first premise is in A communication or in a conversation, you need to create space. The only way to create space is to be able to put yourself in what Danielle naturally does, which is to put yourself in the position of the other person in the conversation. But Crucial Conversations lays this down and giving you three key points. The first point is to get clear about what I want for myself in the conversation, right? So in the situation, if Danielle and I are fighting, asking myself a question, what do I actually want? In the past, what I wanted was.

You just wanted to fight.

But I did. That's not what I wanted. What I actually wanted was to have sex, to communicate, to be connected, to feel wanted, all these other things. But I would lose sense of what I wanted in order to be right, right? So I would want to be right instead of getting what I want.

I think I had to kind of come to that agreement, too, with like. With things. I'm like, why am I so. Because I tend to be stubborn, even though that I can, like, flip and put myself in a different perspective. There's times when I'm like, you motherfucker, you're wrong. And that's when I like stubborn Taurus. Danielle comes out, and I'm like, I will mow you over before I admit that I'm wrong, so watch out. And the crazy person I have to be like, danielle, you're not gonna, like, get what you want. And so that allows me to dial it back in, because I realize that's actually not getting what I want. And what I want is more important than being right. Mmm.

Did you just hear that?

Yeah.

Getting what I want is more important than being right. Well, this was not something clearly evident to me, although it might be something that clearly evident to you was not clearly evident to me. And so I found myself constantly in a fucking situation where I would fight to be right instead of get what I want. So crucial conversation says, listen anytime that you're going to enter into a conversation that is crucial. And they define a crucial conversation as anything where their tensions are high, where emotions are high, where attention is high, emotions are high. And also there is something significant in the conversation, meaning the outcome is significant. There's something that's coming up, right? So you're in marriage, you're having a conversation. Bam, off you go. For 10 years, I would just want to be right. I would fight to be right over getting what I wanted. Part of this was I didn't even know what I wanted. So the first step in this is getting clear about what you want. The second step, this was Life altering was to ask yourself, what do you want for the other person? This changed me because I started asking myself a question in situations with you and I where I would flip it and I would say, okay, what do I want? And I would get clear. Then I would say, well, what does Danielle want? And on the topic, I know I bring it up about sex, but I'm going to bring it up again on the topic of sex. What I wanted was to be sexually connected and wanted right then I stepped back and I said, what does Danielle want? Danielle wants me to plan shit. She wants me to show up and be on time. She wants me to be and invest the time and energy in her and to show that I give a shit about life with us as a couple and spending time with her. So before I was like, what do I want? I want to have sex. And then I'll be like, what the fuck, Danielle, what's wrong with you? Why are we not having sex?

I think because guys think, like, I'm providing, I'm busy.

Yes.

Women are like, well, that's great. I want you to provide. And I actually want you to want to genuinely want to spend time with me.

That's a lot of wants.

So guys want you to genuinely want to connect and want to want to have sex. Want to want to.

Yeah. Want to want to have sex.

Want you to actually want to hang out with them and cuddle on the couch and do nothing without any. Without any pressure to have pressure to have sex. Like, we want you to actually want to spend time with me.

This was quite a dilemma because I was like, man, I know what I want. I want to have sex. I want to be connected. I'm like, what does Danielle want?

You're not getting late. If I don't get quality time, and if that quality time comes with an expectation, you can fuck right off.

That is a hard one.

That is a hard one.

It is a hard one.

I bet that happens a lot with couples.

It happens a ton. Guys trying to put in the time because they want to get laid.

Well, and it's not like we figure out the magical solution. I think we both realize that to get the results that we want, we know how to, like, create that for ourselves.

Yes.

Instead of, like you said, just engaging in, like, fighting and. And always having this battle that wasn't getting us anywhere. It was like an element of surrender on both sides. But really it was just a matter of flipping it, like, okay, put myself in his shoes, which I naturally do, but I would have a hard time Doing it with you because you would come at me with swords and knives blazing.

Yes, well, it was interesting inside of that I was not holding and crucial conversations causes again, a safe space. So there's a safe space for dialogue, which is this place where you hold the space open so that people can talk. I couldn't do that. I didn't hold the space open at all, particularly with Danielle. Particularly when I was feeling triggered sexually at all where like I felt like I wasn't getting laid or there was like no connection or what was happening. I would become this crazy person that was not only clear, I would get clear about what I wanted, but I had no concern about what she wanted. So this opened it up. Right, you ready for the third piece in the triangle? It's very intense.

Oh, wait, wait, hold on. Break down the triangle.

No, I'm coming to the. I'm coming to third piece of the triangle. I'm just asking, are you ready for the third piece of triangle?

I think so.

Right now we have a straight line. We don't have a triangle. We're about to make a triangle. All right, so the first thing that we're looking at is what do I want? The second thing we're looking at is what do I want for my partner, in this case, Danielle? And the third piece is what do I want for us as a couple?

There's three and I.

There is three triangles, three angles to the triangle. One, what do I want? Two, what do I want from my wife? Three, what do I want for me and my wife as a couple? What are you hearing from this Danielle? What are we seeing her here? Yeah, that's it. Just, I like it.

I've never really thought of it like, what do I want for us as a couple? I think I've always thought of it like, well, maybe I did. I was like, okay, my needs are met. His needs are met. Both needs are met. I don't know. I don't know. What is it? What? Give me an example of what you mean by what do I want for us as a couple?

Alright, I'll play through. You ready? All right. So we get into a situation, Attention. I say to myself, what do I want? I say, I want to be wanted. I want to have sex. I want to be connected. I want to be wanted by my wife. Then I say, okay, well, what does Danielle want? Meaning, what do I want for Danielle? Well, I want Danielle to feel wanted also. And I want her to feel connected. How does she feel? Wanted. She feels wanted when I take her nice places if she feels wanted. When we spend time together, she feels wanted. When I clean up some kitchen stuff, she feels wanted. There was all these things that I was like, well, the fuck I don't want you to dishes.

I want you to want to do the dishes.

I know. And I wanted you to want to have sex. So there was this weird want to want to thing going on. But the minute I started asking that second question, I'm like, well, what do I want for Danielle? And I realized I wanted the same thing for Danielle that I wanted. It wasn't necessarily sex. It was, I want her to feel wanted. Then I came back to us as a couple, and I said, okay, well, what do I want for us as a couple? It was really simple. I want us to feel like we can honestly communicate, and we both are getting what we want. Would you like to hear what this did for me and why this helped you? Sure.

So you wanted us to both to make as a couple, to make sure we both got what we wanted?

Yes.

Yeah. Okay.

So I find myself then with this thought process on not being as aggressive sexually and as vocal. I would do this weird pouty thing, and then I would do this weird kind of like, not gonna get me what I want thing, kind of almost jabs. And then I stopped backing off on that. I just stopped doing it. And I started getting a place where I was like, I want Danielle to feel wanted. And part of the way she feels wanted is I've got to seduce her. I can't touch her all the time. I just got to be in this place. And it became more and more natural for me to help you get what you wanted, knowing that getting what you wanted, I would get what I wanted.

I think in that space, like you, it was interesting because you'd want to come spend time with me, which would be like my love language or whatever. But at the same time, I remember you were very. I don't know how to say this, but just very gropy, which made me feel like, dude, like, back it down. Like, literally. And I noticed this. This is like a guy thing. Guys with hand just wants to be glued right to the ass. It's like they can't right to the ass. And it's not just Garrett. I see it all the time.

Like, you used to think it was just Garrett. I know you thought I was an idiot.

I think you're pretty vocal about it. But I see it in a lot of men where literally, I don't know what it is. It's like they own the left cheek of their wives. And I will tell you right now, that is so fucking annoying. If you're working a ton and you're spending time with your wife and refrain your fucking hands. Okay, I'm just gonna say it, like, and I. That probably, like, triggers you because you're like, I just want to have sex with you. But from a girl's perspective, like, it's almost. I always think about it, like when you're dating, like if you're dating somebody and it's the. At the beginning stages, like, I just feel like you're not. Like, you're my piece of property. Like, that's what it says to a girl. And so that would trigger me. And then like, even the time was kind of like, oh, my God, I want to spend time with you, but literally you're all over me. And so it's like playing this not a game, but it's like, it's a game. It's. It is, but it's not. It's like meeting. It's like giving that. What did you call it? The space.

Creating a safe space.

Creating a safe space. And that's what it is. And so by kind of like not being standoffish or pouty like you said, because I'd be like, oh, my God, like, I'd be kind of triggered and annoyed, but then it would turn into like, you being shut down. And I wasn't trying to shut you down. I just needed a safe space so that I could, like, enjoy time and warm up. And then it seemed like the night always would end better, you know?

And by embedder, that means sex.

Well, and usually a good sex. It's not just like.

Not just vaginal masturbation.

It's not just like, Jesus Christ, he needs to get laid. I mean, obviously his hands been on my left ass cheek is his the whole night. So like, let's. Let's just, like, let's just do this and be done. And I think that happens a lot for women. And so it's like to want your wife, to want to want you, you have to kind of play the game of, like, giving her a comfortable, safe space.

So as we wrap up today's show, here is a piece I want you to consider. Guys, I'm going to let Daniel give her two cents. You're going to ask yourself these three questions again, not created by me, but by crucial conversations. What do I want for myself in this situation? Number two, what do I want for my wife in this situation? And number three, what do I want for us as a couple in this situation. So when tension's high and shit's on the line, you're going to ask yourself these three questions. You're going to put yourself in three different spots. In the spot of, what do I want for me? In the spot of, what do I want for this woman that I love, that is a mother of my children? What do I want for us as a couple now and for the future? And as I answered these questions, it would give me clearer actions and clearer distinctions because it would force me to not be right. It would force me to let go of things, because holding on to certain things, stories, being right, situations, it didn't give me what I wanted. It would actually give me the opposite of what I wanted. But again, I spent most of the first 10 years of our marriage wanting to be right about shit. And in being right, I would get nothing that I wanted. So there's my challenge. Do you have any thoughts on this to wrap up the show?

No. I think it logically plays out quite a bit of our marriage.

Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?

Yeah. But, I mean, I think it takes, like, two people to kind of come to that realization, too.

To tango.

Yeah. And I always feel like there's two sides of the story. And I feel like we were both kind of, like, we would dial back in and try to take accountability in our own relationship. Even though we would fight a bit and, like, it was crazy for a bit, there was something where we'd always. We valued growth and we wanted to stay together. We were not going to just call it quits. And so we kind of went into it with that mind frame of, like, okay, well, it can't always be the other person. And it kind of takes you a minute to, like, look at yourself and, like, how could I show up differently? What could I do? And in the same space where Garrett was like, you know, not maybe being overly touchy or not being in the pouty mode, sometimes it was me being more flirty and me being more the, like, engager, you know, with conversation or even sex. And I think both of us kind of got to this space where we saw what in order to get what we wanted, we kind of had across the line a little bit. And then it ends. It just kind of creating and keeping that balance in your relationship is key. And I can tell when we've emotionally shifted. I'm like, all right, we just. Maybe we need time and sex right now. Like, and that's why we do date nights.

A lot.

That's why we do this podcast, because it's times for us to have communication through such busy lives that we have with kids and both being entrepreneurs and running our own businesses. It gives us this time to really work through our stuff with you guys and have those crucial conversations.

That's basically what this podcast is.

Crucial.

It's one giant crucial conversation, everyone.

Crucial Conversations by Danielle and Garrett White.

Danielle and Garrett White. All right, so that gives us.

I think you guys are finding some value in this. And there's think. I think this is something that, like, a lot of couples like, they know. But to actually hear another couple that is like, oh, I went through some crazy shit, and here's what I found. And they're like, oh, okay, that makes sense. We should apply this in our relationship or we should try that, or like. Or whatever it is. Every time we do this show, we try to be real, but also kind of create some value for you guys based on what we're going through. And like I said, we're always valid. We value growth, and so we're always trying to figure out life together and just living our best lives.

So your final challenge here inside of this week's show is this to sit down in a situation that might be a little emotionally triggering for you, for the guys, and for the girls, and ask yourself the trifecta questions. What do I want for myself in this situation? What do I want for my partner, my spouse in this situation? What do I want for us as a couple in this situation? What I think you're going to find is when you get clear about what you want for yourself, what you want for her or him, and what you want for yourselves as a couple, there's a lot of shit that you are doing that will not get you there and just makes it easy, makes it easy to shift gears and to say, I'm not gonna do this anymore. I am not gonna do this anymore, and I'm not gonna do this anymore. And I am gonna do this and this and this, because those are the things that will get me what I want. They're not necessarily the things that are right. They're not things that are wrong. They're not the things that are gonna make me right in the face of other people. Because 99% of the time, the first 10 years we were married, I was committed to being right, not committed to getting what I want.

I think I always felt like I was right, but because I didn't want to argue, I was just like, I don't care that's not gonna give me what I want. So peace out. So I wouldn't talk to you.

Then I would get pissed and I would fight you.

I would say that I was right. But everybody thinks they're right in whatever their argument is. Otherwise there would be no argument. So everybody stands in this place of like, I'm right, asshole. And so if you can kind of like dial it back in and then literally, like, cool down, like, don't let your lid flip, and then come back and revisit the conversation, having put in yourself in the other person's shoes, then you can have a more logical, effective conversation.

So you got your challenge for the week. Ladies and gentlemen, have a wonderful week. Again, this show brought to you by WarriorBook, found@warriorbook.com and the King's Kit with the King's Kit 30 Day Challenge. Encourage you to head on over there. Also, for those that are in the hair industry, head on over to haerextensionsecret.com and or bigmoneystylist.com no, Danielle always wants you to go to her blog.

It's like the hub of everything.

It's like the hub.

It's the hub.

It's the hub. Fine. DKWStyling.com and WarriorBook.com thanks so much for being here. We'll be here next week to have a conversation in our next show about sexuality.

We'll be in Cabo. Cancun.

We will be in Cabo when this show. Nope. When this show goes live. It'll be good. And then we get back from Cabo and then we do the show.

All right, peace.

All right, we'll see you guys next week.