How you react will determine what you get in your relationship

I found out black people can get sunburned. Of course they can. I didn't know that. I was hanging out with some guys, like, why are you putting sunscreen on? He's like, bro, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm getting sunburned. I was like, really?

You can't see?

I didn't know that. I had no idea. News to me at 47 that you can get sunburned as a black person. I thought it was permanent. Don't have to use sunscreen. It's kind of like getting tan. You get tan, you don't have to have sunscreen.

I don't. I know. I. You know what?

I'm just pasty red. I got nothing to say. I go outside for two minutes, my face looks like a fucking tomato. Unless I've like sprayed it with 900.

Proof, a great topic.

Non organic spray on the face to guarantee that nothing about my skin even remotely close. Becomes to change any pigmentation or I die.

Hello and welcome to another episode of the day you write podcast. We are still doing this.

Beauty and the beast, rain or shine, I'm the beast. You're the beauty or you the beast?

I didn't say beauty and the beast. You did.

I know. So which is the beauty? Which is the beast?

I guess I'm the beast.

You're the beast. That's weird. No, not it. So we just had. We're not going any details, but holy.

Why? Why is there always a holy fuck moment? Why can't you just. Why can't you?

Why can't. Because we're married. And I don't think it's possible not have a holy fuck moment if you're committed to growing every week.

I felt like it's so weird because we'll have these moments where it's like when things are really, really good and it's like, who sabotaged things were going great. Why did this explosion need to happen? Is it because you're scared that when things are going that good that something bad must happen?

Well, you're assuming that somehow, because there was a conflict or there was a challenge, that that meant that we were sabotaging. What if that means that we're growing again or we're stabilizing? Imagine like you open up a warehouse and we just found out there's another 20,000 square feet on our warehouse we didn't know about in our lives. So we open it and then we go in there. But there's a whole bunch of things in that warehouse we're not aware of. So we have to deal with the things in the warehouse so we can enjoy the extra square footage versus just, I got keys to open up the warehouse. And we start investigating that new level of living, and there's other shit to deal with.

My theory also is, like, if you get too comfortable, you actually regress. Meaning, like, you could be like, things are good. Things are good. But you're like, you stop doing the date nights, you stop having communication, you stop doing therapy. It's like, if you go to the gym five days a week, and then all of a sudden you're like, I'm just gonna go two within a month. You're like, what the hell? My body is noticeably changed. I'm still going to the gym. But you're only going two days instead of five days. So sometimes if you get too comfortable, maybe the collision is to bring you back up to speed, to not forget to try inside a marriage.

There you go. So you just answered your own question.

I like that you said.

It's like, exactly what I said, which is like. That was a fancier way of saying it, though. Good job.

I like to be fancy.

So you are. You are not. You're not spray tanning anymore. We've. We've retired from the spray tanning life. No, I don't care. I love you. White or spray tanned? I like either way.

I have a spray tan machine. And I just like with spray tans, you know when they start to wear off?

Yeah.

And I. They would start. It would wear off. And so I would just be like, oh, I look splotchy. And I would respray myself. And then I finally was like, it's. I look freckly, and I'm not freckly. So I was like, I need to let this spray tan come completely off. And people are, like, noticing. They're like, you look. You look different. I'm like, yeah, I'm not. I'm not a tan person. Sorry to disappoint, guys.

It's different. Does it feel different to not be tan 24 7?

No, I don't care. I just. I got a little bit addicted to the tan after I started doing the bikini competitions because you just. You look significantly more shredded. And so I was like, one of the other reasons I wanted to stop spray tanning because it's almost like a false illusion of shred. And I'm actually trying to lean down for a show. And so I'm like, I'm not gonna spray tan because it's a false illusion of ripness.

Well, I have my tan. My spray tan from the, from first fitness competition was it lasted like four or five days.

Yeah.

Like after that second day, even the photo shoot, it was still awesome. It was still good for like almost a week. Like it was dark, like real dark. And then it, like it stayed nice and was kind of a nice golden brown. A brown that I've never been my.

Entire life until that, like super light.

I liked it. I mean, if, if I, if you gave me an option, trade your skin color for the skin color post, post competition, like 24 hours.

Everybody looks better with.

I would shade my skin immediately.

Unless you have like really pretty, like that. Like, I think Bailey has really pretty fair skin. Like, I think she, but she can tan, which is weird. But like I said, I think if you have that really pretty, like ivory skin, but every other than that, like most people look good with a little bit of color.

I wonder if, I wonder if this is like, like our kids, how our kids don't really care about the beach and they live right on it and they just want to go to the mountains and then their cousins live in the mountains and all they want to do is come to the beach. I wonder if skin tone ness or tanness is a function of that. So like, you don't, you know, I have pasty white skin, so then I want to have tanner skin. And people who have naturally olive skin, maybe they want pasty white skin. I don't know. There's a disadvantage having pasty white skin. You just get sunburned everywhere. Side note, I found out black people can get sunburned. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I was hanging out with some guys. Like, why are you putting sunscreen on? He's like, bro, just because I'm black doesn't mean I'm getting sunburned. I was like, really?

You just can't see it as much?

Yeah, I didn't know that. I had no idea. News to me at 47 that you can get sunburned. As a black person, I thought it was permanent. Don't have to use sunscreen. It's kind of like getting tan. You get tan, you don't have to have sunscreen.

I don't. I know, I, I, you know what?

I'm just pasty red. I got nothing to say. I go outside for two minutes, my face looks like a fucking tomato. Unless I've like sprayed it with 900 proof.

This is a great topic.

Non organic spray on the face to guarantee that nothing about my skin Even remotely close becomes to change any pigmentation, or I die. And I'm hairy. And HGH is definitely causing more hair.

You can grow a beard in, like, five days. That's. I remember, like, I was telling. I was telling him, like, hey, your facial hair is a wee discussion. And I find that a lot of women feel this way.

Or a we.

A we discussion. I realize, like, a lot of women actually believe that their husband's facial hair belongs to them and that if they choose to shave it or grow it out, it has to be a we discussion. So many women inside my training, we were talking about the other day, they were like, well, my husband trimmed his knee as a beard. I yelled at him. And the other one's like, my husband shaved, and now you're like a baby face. And I yelled at him. I'm like, see the beard game? It's not. It's not about you, hon. It's all our beard.

It's wild because if you take the beard and the penis, you guys think you control everything, which you do. It's bullshit. Control my face hair and my crotch. That's a lot of power. It's a lot of power to control a man's face hair.

They had. You're like, how do you get the perfect beard?

Well, you'd require it. Request it. Okay, so listen, we've had. Let's talk about the following principle, which is the principle we were going through in therapy today. I actually went to therapy the first 30 minutes by myself. Danielle put me in therapy by myself today, which is probably a good idea. And then she rolled in halfway through. And we dealt with some pretty sensitive topics, which we're not gonna talk about on air. Yes, there are some topics that we don't talk to you guys about. Cause we're still working through them in a big way. And I'm not gonna talk to you about them. But the one concept is this, like, us being able to have dialogue has been hard.

Okay? So Garrett and I are very different. I'm sure you've noticed if you follow any of our stuff and communication. We have good communication, but we had to really work on our commun. And whether, like, being married, like, you're always gonna see things differently. So I'll see something some way and you'll see something another way. So for me, Garrett always references me as the Barbie in the box or, like, stone cold killer or no emotions. And I'm so offended because I'm like. I deeply feel like I'm such a passionate, caring, loving person. Like, I genuinely, like, really like people. I love working with people. I love training. I love. I feel like I'm a very caring person. So to hear that, I'm very, like, cold and shut down. I'm like, oh, that's really hard for me to hear. But I'm very. I'm. I'm not emotional. I'm a problem solver. I'm like, always. My mind is always thinking, very logical, and just always my. So I can't turn my brain off sometimes. So I have a hard time, like, just kind of not trying to solve a problem all the time.

And which is funny because when you share with me, at times you're telling me not to solve a problem.

I know.

I'm like, don't solve the problem. Right now. I'm trying to release you. Is that when you're not a man.

I can have a man and a woman trapped in a woman's body. Like, I'm both. Like, I can be that funny video where the guy's like, we have a nail in your head. But I also am like a woman. So I'm like, I just want to cry sometimes. I need you to listen. And I want to talk shit about so and so. And I just need to just shut up and not solve my problems. But for me, I do the exact same thing. I'm kind of like the guy in the relationship. And so it comes across like, I don't care, and that's not my intention. So all I've realized is, like, that's fine if that's how I communicate. But if in turn it's hurting another person, I have to really look at how I'm responding to somebody sometimes. Like I said with our kids, with Bailey, I'm like, I wanna help her so much. Cause she's my kid. And I'm like, I can see the clear breath. You just need to do this. And then I'm like, she doesn't need me to draw a blueprint plan for her to follow. She just needs me to listen, tell her her music's cute, tell her her shirt's cute, and tell her I love her. And that's all she needs. She just needs somebody who listens and feels heard. And then just answer back with like, well, I love you. And so it's super hard for me to do that. But in turn, sometimes what I would do is by fixing a problem, I would start an argument because the person I'm trying to help. Coach. Doesn't want coaching right then. But then people pay me to do that. So it's fun to do it in a different environment, but I've had to carefully choose when to coach and when to be a lover and when to be a fighter, when to coach and when to be a wife.

You know, I think that the key here is that they didn't ask for coaching. This is our piece, right? People want to give coaching to everybody on a coach, to other people on social media. You want to tell people how to think, tell people how to operate, and you don't even have permission to give a fuck about what they're saying. All kinds of people have opinions every single day. People have opinions about you and I and our marriage, opinions about how we raise our kids, opinions about you, opinions about me, opinions about how you talk things, about how I talk. But in the end, it's like, how do I. How do I deal with me and how do I get permission? This is what we've been working on. Like, we. I mean, let's be straight. Up until about a year and a bit ago, you were honest at level 7 on a scale of 1 to 10 for 20 years. And then you got real honest at level 10 for a year.

But my honesty comes out differently. My. I think you thought I was not being honest because how I would communicate was very logical, instead of, like, coming back with, like, feeling. So then, like, I've just been. I've told you this today. I was like, hey, I realize that sometimes I come across, like, probably a little bit socially awkward because that's how my brain works. It's a blessing and a curse. So I've had to, like, really find this. This other piece on how to communicate, not just the logical side or the problem solving side, but even when I'm in pain or when my feelings are hurt or whatever it is, because you like to see that vulnerable piece in me, and a part of me, like, doesn't feel safe sharing it because I'm like, well, you didn't like how I gave you feedback or this advice, and so now can I share my truth, how I'm feeling sad without you not liking how I'm describing how I'm feeling sad?

Well, we've learned this in therapy with Steven, which is. We have two different languages. I'm an 8 in the Enneagram, and she's a 5, which means I deal with life through feelings and fire, and she deals with life through frames and. And walls. Like, there's, like, logic and walls. And so behind her wall are all these feelings, which is probably why she was drawn to me as her Husband. Because all the feelings on the inside of her castle walls are on the outside of my castle wall.

You're attracted to me. Like, she's so controlled, and so.

And then I knew there was fire on the inside.

Yeah.

All it takes is tequila, and the drawed bridge comes down and out comes the fire. She. So, like, we. This has been tough because the more you would not share what was going on in the inside with you, the more I would blow fire at your walls, and the more I blew a fire at your walls, the more you would put up walls. And so then we would go back and forth until something blew up, and either your fire came in or I walled up. So, like, my way of, like, if you emotionally explode on me, my way of emotionally exploding on you is I just shut down, which is I do your move to you, and you do my move to me. It's like we go shut down. And that was like, our pattern forever and ever, which, like, we could never get through any conversation because both of us were so fucked up in the way we dealt with each other, and we had so many triggers from the past of not understanding the language the other person was speaking that there was so much trauma in trying to have dialogue that we just stopped having dialogue about anything real.

I still think that happens at some level, but. And I don't. I'm just speaking for me is. It's. It's an ego thing, right? And so I get in this space where I. Even if I'm like, I'm a hundred percent right, like, who. Who cares? Or who's to say who's right? But what I've gotten to this place in is you're not right, even if you think you're right because you're hurting this person you love. So why don't you just kind of, like, let go of your ego a little bit and be like. Say what they want you to say right now. There's been times with you where I'm just like, I really want to defend myself right now in this argument, but instead, I'm just gonna, like, grab your leg, jump on your lap, and be like, hey, I love you. I'm not going anywhere. And you immediately, like, melt. And then in turn, I get what I want, and I'm like, oh, thank you. There's not this. There's a softness within you. And then it opens up this really fun space to have dialogue with less triggers. So for me, I'm not saying I do it all the time, but I have consciously made an effort to drop My ego and try to say something that where you feel seen and heard.

Why did you do that?

Why did I do that? Yeah, because like I said in turn I felt like I got what I wanted. Like it almost kind of squishes the argument or this cycle of like walling up and I'm right, you're wrong. Like nobody's essentially right when you're hurting the other person.

Well, what's tough as a guy is this like, like the mixed message for guys, which is weird because like and for girls it's a weird, it's a weird game. So here's the risky proposition. So on the one side, women want their husbands to be honest. They want their man to be honest. Be honest with me. So. But there's a lot of honesty for guys that's very untapped. You know, having had 65,000 men as clients at Wake Up Warrior, the one thing I can tell you about 98% of men is that trying to communicate their feelings is in a way that's not in anger or a way that's not in pouty. So it's like either I'm fucking angry and raging or I'm like feeling super weak and a victim. It's like one of the two guys will go to. So because of the only experiences of emotion and feeling and sharing with their wife, if they do get to a place where it's powerful vulnerability which is like neutral, I can share my truth and my hurt and my fears, et cetera. It's actually here comes the catch 22. It's a fucking turn off to women. No, women are. You are not more turned on, the more emotional I get in my vulnerable pain. You're not like, I want to fuck that guy now, guys. And this has been the common for all guys. They'll come to us in meetings like, coach, what am I supposed to do? I was honest with my wife and like she's acceptance of me being honest. But now she's like less turned on by me because I'm not this masculine figure that's immovable. I'm actually scared and I'm worried and I'm fearful. Woman's not trying to have sex with a guy who's filled with fear and doubt and worry. The opposite is women are drawn to men who have deep certainty immovable. And women can be crazy and do their thing and men don't move. The problem is guys stop telling the truth. That's why Warrior exists. They come tell us the truth. So in your world, like as I've Been vulnerable. You've even demonstrated this, which is I try to be vulnerable with you. It's not a turn on. You're not turned on by it. Be honest.

Here's the thing, though. Vulnerability there with you sometimes comes like you want to share something, but then you just seem angry. So then I'm kind of like, oh, my God, is he picking a fight? Is he yelling again? Like, you're trying to, like, share your feelings and I'm. The only thing I'm feeling is, like, it's not that I'm like, turned off.

I'm.

I'm like, why does he want to fight right now? So sometimes men trying to share their feelings.

Sure. But that's not all the time. Sharing it. When I'm angry, I've learned how to share it. Not in angry.

Yeah, but you were just bringing up the point of, like, how do we share our feelings and feel hurt? And I'm like, well, you can't. If you come across, like, angry, then we're going to, like, close off and shut down and be like, whoa. Or it's going to start a fight. But if there's times where I see you going through something and I'm like, oh, that pouty bitch. Like, I'm like, oh, my God, are you hurting? Like, I feel like I would want to be there for you. It's just in those times where I feel like it, where it's like turns into a fight and then I'm acting defensive and I'm. And then it's kind of weird. So I. But there's been times too where you've shared your feelings and it's very attractive.

So when have I shared my feelings? It was very attractive. I'm not being a dick. I'm asking seriously.

I think there's been a few times, like in bed when you're just like, holding me and I'm like, hey, you're safe. And like, you, like. There's this vulnerability in you where it's like. I don't know if it's more of a feeling and less of a communication, but it's like, it's less words. Yeah.

I mean, there's been moments where you've. You've offered it up. I mean, in some of our huge fights, there was a big fight we had like last year, and we ended up in the. In the garage and we had this huge fight. We got out of the car and we had that spark with our eyes as our souls looked at each other's. We knew what we were about to Step into as a fucking shit show for about 90 days to get our marriage and lives on track again. And I was trying to, like, run away from you. I didn't want to see you. I didn't want to talk to you because I knew what I'd already felt, which is like, I love this woman, but I'm so hurting right now. I don't need to hide. I have to even have. I don't want to fucking look at her.

I think this is a real question. Is there this scary piece for men that you're like, oh, she's. She's powerful. So I'm going to, like, wall up. Like, I don't.

It's not just that she's powerful. You gotta understand, though, like, the leverage ship you had on me forever is you weren't emotional, so you had leverage on me all the time. Because if I was emotional, you could keep your shit together behind. That's why I called you Barbie in a Box. Because you were able to keep your emotions in check, hidden from me. Like, you didn't put your cards on the table. My cards were all over the fucking table and the floor. And you're like, see all your cards on the table, on the floor. And I'm like, yeah, well, where the fuck are your cards? Locked away in a goddamn safe lock box with, like, inside of a vault, inside of a prison with five alarmed guards. If I try to get close to them, I get fucking shot. It's easy. My shit's all over the floor. Look at all my cards. So it was hard for me because I always felt, like, disadvantaged in any conversation with you because I was the only one being emotionally honest. You were being logically honest.

But again, I told you this today. I'm like, that is how my brain works. My brain is literally computing, trying to solve a problem and explain my actions. And so I've had to work on. You don't need to explain why this fight went down. You just need to be like, I love you. I'm sorry. I'm here for you. I'm not going anywhere. And that's in turn, really gotten me a lot of points with you this year. You're like, you're less of a box. You're like, you're less of a Barbie in a box.

Say it to me.

I just did.

No, say the thing from therapy.

I don't remember.

You know the thing.

I really don't.

You don't.

I love you and I'm not going anywhere.

Say it the way he said it.

I can't I'm not a guy.

Say it. Say it to me. You can say it.

That's what he said.

No, he said, I love you and.

I'm not going anywhere.

No.

What did he say?

I love you and I'll never leave you.

Oh, I love. I love you.

You can't even look at me when you're saying it. Say it. Look at me. Babe.

It's like, for me, I'm like, you should.

Oh, my God. You can't even say it. No, I shouldn't. Just. No, say it.

Unless you, like, up and, like, go cheat on me. Like, you know, always be.

I mean, that's. Asterisk. No, I don't always know. Tell me. Tell me.

Do you really not know?

The fact that you're resisting saying it right now is troubling.

Is it?

Yeah. Say it.

You know I love you. I'll never leave you.

Okay. Say it.

I just did.

No, don't say, you know. I just. Say I love you and I'll never leave you.

I love you. I'm not going anywhere.

Say, I'll never leave you.

I'll never leave you.

I love you. Why was that so hard for you?

It wasn't. I was just trying to tease you.

You weren't teasing. You were uncomfortable.

I think I get annoyed. I think I.

You weren't. You weren't trying to tease me?

Hey, don't force this connection.

There's not a force. Did you not feel connected when you said it?

No, I just said, baby, you should know that.

Yeah, but I shouldn't know that. That's the point.

I know. And that's one thing that I've had to work on.

I should know that.

I don't. I know. I know, and I.

You should know that I love you. No. Fucking tell me you love me.

I know, and I've been working on that more. I'm not great with words of affirmation. I'm just like, yeah, obviously, you're awesome. But I've been doing better. Like, I've tried to. I've been trying to send you texts lately.

I'm like, we've been together for 23 years. Look how hard that was for you to do it.

It's really hard.

Why was it hard? Help me understand why that was so hard.

It's.

I like to say, I love you and I'll never leave you.

I don't like when people say their personalities are default and that's why they can't do something. I was explaining this earlier today. I'm like, I don't like when people are going bipolar, so you should accept that of me. I'm like, hey, well, my brain's wired this way, so you should accept that in me.

Got it.

So instead I'm like, it is hard for me. My.

Why is it hard? What does it feel like?

Because it feels like it's being forced. I'm like, babe, you know I love you. Like, if just feels like you're like.

But what's the difference between. Babe, I know you know I love you.

Of, like, this forever ago, but we went to this. I can't remember where we were. We were at some kind of an event, and they were like, we just want you to stare into your husband's eyes. I don't remember where we were. And I was.

We were at an event where they asked you to stare in an event? Yes.

You partnered up with me.

I can't imagine you'd ever be agreed to this event.

He agreed to marry you.

So, yeah, it was like a lifetime event.

It was like an event. And I was like, this feels so awkward. It's like, can I stare into your eyes and be like, God, he's cute. Yeah, I can. But when somebody's like, I want you to stare into your partner's eyes, I'm like, make.

I think it makes you uncomfortable. Why does it make you uncomfortable?

Because it feels forced.

Look me in the eyes and tell me you love me. You'll never leave me. That makes you feel.

When you say it nine times on a podcast, I'm like, oh, my gosh, I'm getting.

Well, it only took nine times because that's how long it took you to say it. Well, seriously, I was like, and I want you to look at this, because this one's something there. But, like, this is the challenge of being, like, in a relationship at all. Is that you. The person you're with has, like, these patterns. And typically we marry somebody whose patterns are complete opposite, which means, like, I need, like, you know, I need, like, a Gatorade to live, and the only thing you're selling is Sprite. And I'm like, I need Gatorade. You're like, I just fucking gave you a case of Sprite. Be happy. Shut the fuck up and drink the Sprite. I'm like, I realize drinking the Sprite, I will live, but what I am desiring is blue Gatorade. That's what I want. You're like, I can't give you blue Gatorade. I'm like, why can't you fucking give.

Me, I'm like, why can't you accept the sprite?

It's not natural. I got blue Gatorade.

Why can't you accept the sprite?

I know. And I'm like, why can't.

The sprite's awesome.

And I'm like, why can't you offer up some Gatorade once in a while? Just throw me in.

That's where. That's where.

Analogy, by the way.

What?

The Gatorade and sprite people are going to get that one.

We're going to do that one.

Yeah.

See? So I feel like I am slowly working on myself in the sense where I win. If I get uncomfortable in communicating in a way that I'm not used to communicating. And I've won with my teams. I've won with you this year. I've won with my kids because I'm like, hey, there's the Danielle response. But I again, I hate it when people are like, well, it's my personality, it's who I am. I'm like, cool, then don't evolve and just stay that version of you, if that's your excuse. So I do that. But what. Where. And I've. And hopefully you've noticed it a little this year. I mean, you've given me feedback 100% last year. So then I'm kind of, like, wondering what it is that I want specifically from you. And I think it's just been more like time and connection.

I think you have a hard time just expressing feelings with words, probably. Like, there's, like, an assumption that people should know, but, like, there's a power in the words and your energy. I know when you look me through a little Rupert Popsicle eyes, I know that you love me. I know these all things, but at the same time, there's a part of my soul that needs to hear it, not wants. Needs to hear it. The man cannot live on sprite alone. He must have Gatorade in the word of the Lord. Give me some Gatorade. Like, and that for me, language.

But that's what I'm saying. I get that. I think that in a relationship, you have to cross the line, even if it's not your love language for your significant other. But I'm telling you, I have to make a conscious effort to do it because it's not natural. But the more I do it, the more it becomes a new pattern, the more it becomes something that I love, because I love the version of you I get back. Same thing with sex. Like, we had a really. We were raised Mormon got married young. Sex was hard for a really long time. We both had our theories and opinions and whatever. And I was like, hey, what if I change the narrative? And now I feel like I'm like. I was like, oh, I'm not the one that's gonna pursue and this and that. I don't need it now. I'm like, oh, I like it. I love connecting. I really like having sex. But it took me to making an off conscious effort to change my story.

Yeah.

And now it, It's. I've become a different person. So that's kind of like new phase of Danielle is like, hey, I really do care about people and I. If I need to figure out how to better communicate it, I'm willing to do it. But in doing so, you have to understand I'm gonna sound like a robot half the time, but I'm just gonna keep talking because essentially I'll figure it out.

You are figuring out. You're doing great. Here's the thing is interesting. Like, there's a. So, like, in the spirit of, like trying new things, I'd tell people, like, I got to a place where for about a decade, I did not pursue you sexually at all. Even the last, like. Like, it was probably like eight years. I just. I didn't try to smack you on an ass. Nothing.

Girls don't like that, by the way.

I'm saying, like, we had gotten to not like a. An aggressive smack. That's kind of annoying. From the pervert side. Yes, from like a gentle caress and rub. Total the opposite. Which we don't now. And it's fine. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, there. But there was a piece of it just like unplugged. And I was like, I'm not gonna approach her anymore. Just gonna create conditions. If it happens, it happens. And it put all the sexual control in your hands. And I sat back in a place saying, okay, you know, I'm done being rejected. I'm not gonna play this way. I'm just gonna let her control what it is, because I'm tired of being rejected. And then we got a place where you're like, I'm not gonna play this game anymore. I'm not gonna pursue you now. You pursue me. Now comes the catch 22. The catch 22 is that even in my pursuit of you now, you still hold the advantage because we have all of this relationship history and you can say no. And you do. You have no problem saying no. You're like, no, not right now. You're like, no, not Right now, I have about a 50% chance of seducing you.

So you're gonna stop trying.

I didn't say I was going to stop trying. I'm batting 50% and MLB, I'm like, fucking all American. I'm all Pro. I've been, like, playing baseball forever. Hitting.500. Are you kidding me? What I'm saying, though, is, like, there's still. Even in this game, there's still an element of control. Even though you've not played that card, there's still an element of control. And sex in marriage, if we were dating, you wouldn't respond half the ways you respond the way you respond to me married, there's no way dating, you'd respond that way. You wouldn't push away some of my moves. You wouldn't say no. You wouldn't reject it. There wouldn't be, even if you had 5 kids.

I agree too, though. Like. Like, I remember the ass slapping didn't start till we were married. So even the behaviors when you're dating, the guys change too when they get married.

I love.

All of a sudden, it's like, I'm your property.

You are. You are my property.

Why. Why is there ass smack every time I enter the kitchen? I know. So you. If every time you picked up my.

Beard is yours, yours is mine.

Every time you picked me up for a date and you're like, hey, babe, I'm like, this guy's a weirdo. I get an ass slap every time I come to the door.

It was funny, though. When we were dating, you wouldn't, like, you didn't reject any moves I made.

You for sure. It wasn't.

I know, but I'm saying.

But I'm saying you didn't reject any.

Sexual move I made when we were dating. But then we got married, it went both ways. I kind of went a little pervert style.

No, it's like. It's like literally like, you and like, she's my property. I can just like, poke her and prop. And I was like, whoa.

Well, I did pay for one of.

I did. I shared this on my. On my blog today, that when we got married, what happens? Because people are like, what did you guys start doing? I'm like, you have to continue to date. Like, you have to abide by those same dating rules even when you're married, to keep the spark in the chemistry. The problem is, a lot of times people get married and they're like, I got the guy. I got the girl. My bills are being paid for. Even if they're having sex. They're like, I got it. We're having sex. My bills are paid for. I don't really have to try or do anything else. And a lot of couples, like, then all of a sudden, they get divorced, and they get skinny and fit and all these things. And so it's like, you have to still play the game when you're married. You have to wake up and be like, hey, we're together and we're committed. But, like, am I gonna be sexually attracted and emotionally committed to my husband? Well, yeah, then you gotta play the game.

This is what, like, Stephen was saying and today's therapy was like, he was like, this is the. This is the paradox of marriage. He's like, there's the ability to provide safety and security for your partner, which says, hey, I love you and I'll never leave you. And on the flip side, I'm strong enough to leave you if I have to. So it's this weird game of, like, I love you and I'll never leave you. Safety, security, and then the flip side, strength of if you fuck up and you do it for a long period of time, I'm strong enough to leave you.

Yeah.

Which is a weird game because it creeps attention. It's like, how do you have this, like, sense of security while at the same time, it's push and pull, though?

It's push and pull because, like, he made the comparison of, like, yeah, you know, if I come home and my wife's in bed with another guy, he's like, I have no problem being like, see you later, or I would come home, my wife's doing a meth lab. I'm like, see you later. I'm gonna call the cops. Those are two, like, extreme examples. But what if you have a partner who stops taking care of their body and they stop physically and emotionally and spiritually growing? At what point are you, like, I can't tug you any longer. You're either gonna come with me or I have to leave you. Right? And so there's that. That situation where you're like, if you're not gonna grow with me, then I have to. I have to go grow with somebody else. And so it's a game of push and pull. There might be times where we've had in our relationship where I'm, like, feeling like, hey, like, I'm growing. I need you to keep up. And then same, you're growing. You're like, I need you to keep up. Yeah, well, and sometimes we're growing kind of together too. Like, we're both like growing at the same time.

Think I'm most excited about is wrap up the show about where we are is we're both, we're still fighting, but we're both willing. There's a purpose behind the fights. There's more of a sense of coming together and emotional honesty than there's ever been before. And that emotional honesty is allowing for us to connect in a way we've not been able to connect before. And it's fucking scary and it's exciting all at the same time. I don't know if it's scary for you to be dishonest. Emotionally honest. I don't mean like words.

Sometimes it's exhausting because I'll be like, okay, I really, I just want to have a week where we just start chill and sometimes we'll have that and then. But if we're constantly battling that, it really gives me like stress and anxiety. But if it's in a now, if we have an argument, I'm like, I'm not like thinking like, oh my God, like things are over, we're done. It's like, okay, let's work through this.

Yeah.

But we're both at a place where we are connected. You know, last year when we were a little bit disconnected and we did a had a huge fight because of where we were at in our relationship, it was on the table. But now if we work on our marriage and we're in a good space, I feel like we can have an argument. And although scary, I don't feel not safe.

Well, the wild thing was too is that there was a whole season of time where like you were not feeling it, but you thought you were feeling it, but you weren't feeling it.

It's because I was like, I. When I've shared this so many times, but it's like as a woman, you're like, hey, you should be happy. Like, so we have, you know, beautiful family, great lifestyle, great house, cars, business purpose driven jobs. Like freaking got in the best shape of my life. I was like, what do I have? Why, why do I have this sadness? I'm not allowed to feel sad because I have hit surpassed every blueprint. I've surpassed every box. I hit every checkbox. And not just kind of like I came in first. So I'm like, I can't feel sad. You don't, you're not allowed to feel sad. And then I was like, okay, well.

I said feeling sad.

Yeah. So I was like, well, what needs to shift and why am I feeling this way. And I had to. That's when I was like, oh, I need to stop telling myself because we look perfect, that I'm happy. Like, I want to be with my husband more. I want to connect with him. I want to talk, I want to. Like, I was missing a connection piece with you.

And we found it.

We're working on it.

Oh, you don't feel like we found it?

No, we found it, but we're still working on it.

Of course we're still working on it. I'll be 60 years old and we'll be having the same podcast and we'll be talking about how we're still working on it. That's the challenge is like, no matter what level you get to, it's like this house, this house. Had we seen this house and been in this house like 15 years ago, we'd have lost our shit. Now we live in a 28 million dollar home on the beach and it's normal to look out and see the greatest view as we're doing this podcast. There's not one hotel we've stayed in.

Anywhere in the world that has better.

View than our backyard. There's not one room we slept in. It's better than our master bedroom. None. There's not one hotel, not one five star resort anywhere in Europe, anywhere in Mexico, Nowhere. We stayed, we're like, oh, that's better than my house. So we've gotten there, but that became normal. And in normal, things become numb. So it doesn't matter, like how far you progress, if you're pushing, new will always become normal and normal will always become numb. And in numbness, you will have a decision. You're either going to choose to rise or you're going to blow shit up so that you can go back to a sense of purpose and grow in a false way by having to restore what you burned down or you're going to choose to grow. And that's what we do here at Warrior. It's what we've been doing here. It's backing up this entire podcast, the Warrior's Way system. We have this available for you now. A free 30 day trial for men and women to learn the tools and techniques Danielle and I have used and the principles to put our marriage on the fast track as well as to put our businesses, our families and our lives on that too. Through the process of having it all, ultimately, the freedom that maybe you are searching for today. So to gain access to that for free, head to warriorlaunch.com you can check out a free 30 day membership, our software, all our curriculum, join some of our coaching calls and get excited about what that's about and see if it might be a fit for you. On top is also we have date your wife experience. Talk about that, Danielle, on Tuesdays, Tuesday nights. What's this all about?

It's where couples get together and share that we're all a little bit fucked up.

So if you'd like to join a call with a bunch of fucked up other couples who are pursuing being less fucked up, well, you know what to do. You can head to dateyourwife.com My friends, that's all we got for you this week. And we will be back again next week. And our topic next week is going to be this sex, surfing and success. Gore could be nothing, none of those at all whatsoever. And it'll be something else. We'll see you later.