Is your business your mistress?

Because when you, when you don't do wind sprints a lot and then you go do wind sprints, you tend to throw up quickly.

There you go.

There was not a lot of wind.

Sprints, but now we can vacation together and you have a lot of fun. I think, I think both of us look forward to these, the vacations together. I don't.

Of course we do.

Now I feel like now it's been like last few years. Our vacations have been really positive.

But what's the shift? Right? So let's go back and talk about the shift because this is the thing that goes on for a lot of couples, which is that guys are not able to say the reason I don't want to go on vacation with you or why I'm an asshole the whole time is because it's still up in the air about whether or not I'm gonna have sex with you. Hello my friends, and welcome to the date your wife podcast sinus infection edition. Coming at you live with a deep sexual fire from Los Cabos, Mexico. We're actually not even in Los Cabos anymore.

No, we did just get back and it was fun. I blame you for getting me sick. I literally, I never get sick. And the day we were leaving, you sounded stuffy and I was like, babe, are you sick? And you're like, no, no.

Do you want to know why I sounded sick?

Because you were.

Because I was sick. Do you want to know why did you lie? Do you want to know why I was sick?

Cuz you're our daughter.

Cuz I. Cuz I handle night duty. I'm the night ER doctor around here.

You know what?

Let's talk about how you don't get up in the middle of the night.

Okay, I know this is a great topic because here's what's funny. Say you were to go out of town and you're like, how'd the kids do? I'm like, they slept great. Because I don't. The kids know if, like they just know. Mom's not going to save me. I'm not going to tell her I had nightmares. I'm going to suck those tears back and go back to bed.

So you're teaching her children to be non emotional?

No, I'm teaching them to be self accountable. It's like even with Charlie, you go, when she was sick a couple of weeks ago, this is our two year old, she go, you go, charlie, if you don't feel good, you just yell daddy in the middle of the night. So then even when she felt Better. What was she doing? She got in the pattern of doing every night, and I was like, she learned.

She.

No, but moms know. Like, we're like, hey. Like, they're going to have to self soothe. They're going to have to figure it out. So it's like. It's funny, I. You say I put you on night duty. I'm like, you put yourself in night duty by default.

The care and concern of our children during the dark times.

Yeah.

Falls upon moi.

Mm. Well, you did it to yourself.

Well, I'm not. Listen, I put the sperm in you, and then you made the. You baked it. I baked it. You baked it, so I get it. That's how I got sick, though, because Isla was sick and I was laying in bed with her for three straight nights. Cause she was having nightmares. And then she asked me for a big kiss, and I couldn't turn her down, so there I am.

And then you asked. You could have at least been honest with me. I'm like.

Cause I'm like, there was no way with the amount of sex we were having, we weren't kissing.

You know what? If we didn't kiss, though, I wouldn't have gotten sick.

Sick.

We can.

If I just stayed, like, on your neck. Your breasts.

Yeah.

Glutes.

And you don't know. Isn't that funny? You could, like, have sex and not, like, get a cold, but, like, if you kiss somebody, you get a cold.

Can you transfer a cold through sperm?

You cannot, because there's been times.

You know this for a fact?

I. Well, I don't.

You're making this up.

I'm not. I'm just saying there's been times where you've been sick, and I'm like, nope, don't kiss me. And I literally, like, wall up. But we still have sex and I avoid the sickness.

Are we gonna have sex tonight?

I mean, we're both sick at this point, so.

Yeah. But do you. Do you want to have sex tonight with me?

I'm pretty sleepy and sick. Can I get a rain check?

It's raining today. How about today?

Okay. So what are you gonna talk about on the show? It's going nowhere fast.

The show's always going somewhere. So we're gonna talk about a few things, one of which is going on trips and finding your soulmate. We have. We have been going on vacation for a long time. For those who are not aware, there was a period of time when social media did not exist and truth existed in the way that vacations went for most people. Most Couples go on vacation and are either drunk the whole time or go on vacation and they fight. This is a fact. And we didn't have social media to document all the plastic, happy, clappy bullshit. Now, that being said, part of our game. Let me finish. Part of our game was in the beginning, a rough game. You wanted to go on vacation. And I thought it was horrendous. It was a horrendous plan. You're thinking to yourself, why would it be a horrendous plan to go on vacation with a gorgeous, beautiful woman like this with just you and her together? I'll tell you why. Because she was a locked up Barbie in a box. She was a babe in an ice cube.

A babe in an ice cube.

A babe in an ice cube. Frozen princess. Yeah.

No, I think.

Why was it that that was my reason for not wanting to go on vacation? Because I'd, like, hated being around you and then not having sex all the time.

It was weird for me on vacation because my love language is quality of time. And you would remember when we went to Hawai and you packed an entire suitcase of books and I was like, we're going to Hawaii. So I found, like, when we would try to go on vacations, you. You literally, like, I remember, I can't tell you how many times you get up and be like, hey, I think I'm going to go run a marathon this morning. Or I think I'm going to go, like, you would just, like, take off. You, like, didn't. So you didn't want to give me that quality time even on vacation. So then I'm like, shutting down and like, walling up, and then we end up drinking and then getting in a fight. So then it's like we were in this pattern of like, trying to take a relaxing trip, but neither of us wanted to actually spend time together or talk or connect, you know? So it was just like, it was just rough, I think, for, for me, like, we both started to kind of slowly work on our relationship. One of the things that was important for me was taking, you know, like, these vacations. I'm like, hey, we need time together. Like, we need to figure out how to vacation together. And I realized that one of the big important things for you on vacation is, like, you, you're like, cool. I'm around this hot woman. Like, I just want to have sex all the time. Which I'm sure that's probably pretty normal for guys if they were just in their. With their wife for a beach vacation for a week straight. You know. So for me, I was kind of like, okay, well, if that's the ticket to get him to spend quality time and connect with me, why don't, like. Instead of, like, waiting till it gets awkward and then being like, okay, fine, we can have sex. This was years ago, by the way. It was like.

Like, 2022. It was, like, years ago.

Yeah, whatever. But. But my point is, like, I got to this narrative with vacations, whereas I was like, well, how can I make them different for myself? And. And I was like, okay, so that. This is like, when I started, like, literally the first time we went to Cabo, I was like, all right. Like, we get. We check into the hotel room, and it was like, let's have sex right now. And you're like, really? You were almost, like, caught off guard. And I was like, yeah, why not?

Completely caught off guard.

But I think it's because, like, I said, I would kind of, like, wait till it was just uncomfortable enough where I'm like, okay, fine, you know? And then I was like, what if. If I want him to, like, want to hang out with me and spend quality time and go play and have fun and do all these things, let's get this 30 seconds out of the way.

That's what it was back then. It's because when you. When you don't do wind sprints a lot and then you go do wind sprints, you tend to throw up quickly.

Well, there you go.

So it was not a lot of.

Wind sprints, but now we can vacation together, and you have a lot of fun. I think. I think both of us look forward to these. The. The vacations together. I don't.

Of course we do.

Now I feel like now it's been, like, last few years. Our vacations have been. Been really positive.

But what's the shift? Right. So let's go back and talk about the shift, because this is the thing that goes on for a lot of couples, which is the guys are not able to say the reason I don't want to go on vacation with you or why I'm an asshole the whole time is because it's still up in the air about whether or not I'm gonna have sex with you. And when I'm at home, at least I can distract myself with work, kids, the gym. But when it's just you and me in Hawaii for six days, there's no distraction in work, gym, or the kids. So now it's just me staring at your ass, being sexually frustrated and getting blue balls and jerking off in the Hotel room. It's like, there's no trip that's exciting.

And also, I don't think you like to take. You almost felt guilty for taking the time away from work.

Oh, for sure. That was definitely a piece. I did feel guilty getting away from.

Work, but we've come a long way, and I think now I tell couples all the time. I'm like, it's for us because we are so busy. These little, like, weekend trips to Cabo is like. It's a reconnecting piece. Like you. The end of this month, you have, like, eight days, you're going to be gone, right? And it's. So if. If you know you're going into. I call it war. If you know you're going into work war, whatever, then that's fine and I can support you, but I can't go too long in, like, not feeling connected to you. So that's why it's like, even for us, like, you can look at the calendar and be like, hey, let's plug in a little weekend trip here. Because we know we're going into battle over here. And I can support that battle, but I can't support it, like, for long periods of time, like we've experienced, where I get, like, really disconnected, and then I, like, wall up and shut down, and then neither of us get what we want.

So the shift was a big one, and it was a decision that you made. And it was about 20, 15, 16. It was right around the time that we went to Date with Destiny. First time we'd gone to Mexico was Cancun. It wasn't Cabo, really. I think it was.

No, it was Cabo first, and then.

We went to Ben Cabo. We didn't. You still hadn't made the commitment in Cabo. You did make the commitment in Cancun, which is when I remember you telling me, hey, every day you're gonna get fucked. Every day that we're on vacation, every day you don't need to worry about it.

So then you.

I'm ask you to do is not touch me. I was like, what do you mean? You're like, I don't want you needy all day. Don't touch me.

Yeah, you're super. You're super grabby. Like.

Yeah, well, you know why I was grabby? Because, like, you go. It was weird to you as a guy. You either have to shut down or you go into this weird. And I don't do it anymore. But it was a thing I used to do, which was I'd go to this Pouty teenage boy kind of poke your boobs.

And that's such a turn off for women.

Yeah. And again, it's. I'm not even saying there was even a possible game of this strategy was going to work. It's almost though, that was more entertaining than suffering in silence.

Yeah. And it was like a. I'll be.

A pouty bitch instead of suffering silence. The truth is, I needed to take a stand a long time ago. I just didn't know how to do it. And once I took a stand, just like you took a stand with me, I got what I wanted. And now fast forward, I think it's.

Like taking a stand. But also I'm like, okay, if my needs are not being met, what can I do to cross the line for him? Then in turn, my needs are met. Right? And then it's funny because even now I'm like, I enjoy having sex on vacation. Whereas before pouty, bitchy Garrett, I was like, oh, like, let's just distract. Like, there was just. There was. There was no attraction there. So it was like almost like repelling. I was like, okay, I'll just wait till I feel bad enough and then we'll see what happens. I mean, it was a fucked up place that we were in for years. But I don't even think. I don't even know how we got out of it other than we both just kept choosing each other and choosing ourselves. And in it, we just kind of like all of a sudden started reconnecting and clicking.

But there has to be a level of, like, there has to be a level of honesty. And I think that's what the reason why I bring this up is. Because, like, people who see what is right now and they don't see what was, and I'm like, you have to understand, if you rewind back to what was, what we had was a sexually dysfunctional relationship. We couldn't talk about the topic. We couldn't address the topic. And it's a topic that affects marriages 100% of the time. And vacation was a place that was never fun because I was a constant me thinking like a desperate guy in the desert, not sure when he was gonna get water again. So then even when the water comes, it's a weird place. Cause you're like, man, if I drink this water, here's how my mind would go. I would get to a point where I would not want to have sex with you, even though I want.

Because then you'd want it more.

Because then I would be left with More sorrow about it's probably gonna be another two weeks before it happens again. That I would rather not get the machine in the factory and call all the boys back to work at the warehouse. Hey, guys, come on back. We're back in production. All right. Just kidding. You're all laid off.

The four load for two weeks. We would both wall up, and then we'd get to this point of, like, explosion where we're like, are we gonna stay married or not? What are we doing?

And it was around sex in the beginning. It was around sex, sex, sex. So that there was a. There were two shifts had to have happened between us, though. One was a shift in you and one was a shift in me. Let's talk about the shift was, I.

Think, though, like, it was about sex. But for me, it was like I didn't know how to communicate what I needed. I didn't know. And I. I have expressed this so many times on this show that, like, it's almost like I. I'm not allowed to complain. And I thought of it as complain, but really it was. I didn't give myself permission to communicate, but I thought of it as, like, I don't want to. I. I'm the strong one. Don't complain about it. He's working. You just let him work. He's the provider. You shut your mouth. And I realized it was like, my lack of communication where my needs were not met. So then there was this repellingness where I felt because my needs weren't being met, I was just like, I was very turned off by you. I was not feeling connected or seen or heard and felt like I couldn't ask to have my needs met because you were paying the bills.

And it was weird, too, because I didn't feel like I could ask for my needs met because of just how much rejection had been there. So after years and years and years of being told no, and years and years of building up this experience of anytime you approach the topic of sex with your wife, it's gonna be weird. Anytime you go, 90% of the time, you're gonna be told no.

Cause you were so angry around it. You were like, why don't you wanna do this? And I'm like, I don't know. And I didn't have an answer. I'm like, I don't know. I would love to want to have sex with you. There was, like, a therapy session, like, years ago where you're like, why don't.

You wanna fuck with me?

And I was like, I do want to Fuck you. I'm like, I just. I don't.

Oh, no, no, you didn't say, I wanna fuck you. That's not what he said.

I can't remember what he said.

Oh, I don't know exactly what he said, okay. Because it shattered the world, right, that I operated in.

Okay.

Because I'd gotten to a place of just being in this consideration. Okay? I just have married one of maybe 12 women on the planet who don't want to have sex. And you thought you'd married one of 12 men on the planet that want to have sex all the time. Only did we find out on both sides that we are way more like the rest of all the rest of the dudes and women than we ever anticipated. So we're at this collision point. And I have the collision with you about my non negotiables in the kitchen at Via Corsica, Dana Point. And I have a collision with you about it. I say, here's my non negotiables. One, I'll be married to a woman with a purpose beyond me and our children. Two, I'll be married to a woman that has an open dialogue of relationship, can be authentically be all of herself. I can be all of mine. And three, I'll have a woman who inside of that co creates something with me. And four, I'll have a woman who wants to tell me, touch me, fuck me, tell me, I'm the man, touch me often, fuck me frequently. And your response was, well, what if I don't agree, number four? And I say, if you don't agree to number four, then you'll leave me a choice. I have to go find a side piece. We gotta to get a divorce, whatever the case is. And you're like. And that led to this dialogue. And that dialogue you opened up for the first time to going to therapy. And I said, good. And then I slammed the gate on it. And we went to therapy. We found a whole bunch of therapists we didn't really like. And then we found one we did. Now we're on the couch talk where this conversation's happening with the sex therapist. And I'm doing the triangulation talk where I'm sharing my opinions with the sex therapist. And then Danielle sharing her thoughts. And this person, this woman's translating. And I asked, she asks you the question, do you want to have sex? Like, is sex even something you want? And then you said, I want to fuck. I want to be fucked. I just can't figure out how to do it with him. And you turn and looked at me on the couch and I was like, she wants to fuck. How is that even possible? Like, this is like being with somebody who your whole life, you don't know they speak Mandarin Chinese. And one day you're around a bunch of Chinese people and they just break out in Mandarin Chinese and you're like, what the.

But what I realized. What I realized is, like, I don't. I don't know why there's. I'm not feeling my needs met or feeling connected. And for a long time I was like, well, I've got kids. I've got to. I've got to persevere. I've got to stay in it for the kids. And then it wasn't until I started producing that I was like, no, I'm over persevering. I'm not in it for the kids. I'm making money. Like, things have to shift. But that's also when I really went and looked at myself. I'm like, okay, I'm 50% of the equation. Why? Why is this not working? And like I said, I think I've really worked on my communication over the years versus just being passive aggressive or just saying in my mind. It was like, literally like, nope, you. You don't get to. You don't get to speak up. You don't rock the ship. Like, he's gonna. He's trying to figure out his stuff. But it was when I started making money that I was like, no, I'm gonna rock the ship. Like, I can go out and produce and do this on my own. So now I've got to figure out, do I want to be in this relationship? Not for the kids, I. But because I want to be with this man. And so that's when I think it was like chapter one of our relationship, right? Was like, got married young, did things totally backwards, were raised Mormon, didn't really realize all of a sudden, like, five, eight years went by and we're like, what, we don't even like each other? And put two kids in the mix, then going through this, like, building our brands and trying to make it work honestly for the kids. I don't think we were in a very connective, functioning space. Space at that time. So that was like chapter two, and then chapter three was like, okay, we kind of like each other. Chapter three is when we had two more babies and doubled our family. So now I'm like, I feel like we're in a new chapter and a new season and we're stepping into this. Like, okay, we're our marriage is good. Let's take it to great. And so that's why we're willing to have these tough conversations, even on podcasts, and sort of expose ourselves that, like, hey, we're just willing to do the work on ourselves and together and to go to the next level. So vacation is now amazing, and it's part of the equation. But it didn't take us. We didn't just decide to go to Cabo, you know, overnight, and things are magical. Like, you literally, like, I look at my life in, like, chapters. I'm like, oh, that. That was like, it's 20 years together, right? So it's. We've worked really hard to get to this space, and I think both of us are in a. In a good space in our relationship, but we're just wanting to take it to the next level.

So the adjustment that we made sitting from that couch in therapy, there were two adjustments that were made. Danielle started crossing the line sexually, and I started showing up more as a provocateur, meaning I started being more conscious about actually seducing my wife, because on my own side, I had no idea how to do that either. No, I didn't do that.

You know, what you started to do is, is your energy was less. Like, I was one of your dudes. Like, you finally, like, opened up to me, and, like, you. I saw, like, the softer version of Garrett, right? I'm like, I'm your wife. I don't need to be one of your dudes. And we'd gotten to the space where we were very closed off, and I felt like I was, like, being treated, like, literally like one of your dudes. So when I started opening up more vulnerably sexually, you were more vulnerably open with me. So I don't know if you necessarily, like, learned how to seduce. It was just there was an openness between our relationship. And the other thing that you did that I knew was really hard for you was like, you know, I love. Like, I like shopping and gifts and time and, like, those are my love languages, and I wanted to puke on myself. And so you. Like I said, I shared this in one of our last podcasts. I'm like, I went and bought, like, my first designer bag, and all you did was like, tell me how bad it was and why would I do that? I'm like, I'm not gonna feel guilty. Like, I wanted this. It's important to me. I'm buying it. I'm not gonna let you be a dick and tell me I don't need it. Women already suffer so much guilt spending money on themselves. And I was like, no, I earned this bag, and I don't care that you don't think. You don't find value in it. And so for me, when you. I know it sounds stupid, but when you started investing in things that you knew I enjoyed, like bags, trips, shoes, whatever, it wasn't even about the bag. It was the fact that you were doing it because. Not because you valued it, but because I valued it. And so for me, it was, like these little efforts that you were making, even though I would have to laugh so hard because it took a. It took a lot for me to, like, let go of this guilt and spending money on myself. At some level, especially when you have kids, I always say, like, there's this mom guilt. Like, you literally, like, buy a shirt, and you're like, oh, maybe I should have got my kids something. I'm not that way anymore. But I had.

You've overcome that.

Yeah, I've overcome that. So for me. So for me, I. But I look at.

You're healed. You're cured of that.

But for me, I looked at you and I was like, this is so stupid that he's literally. I'm like. When he's trying to tell me, like, you don't need this, I'm like, I don't care if I don't need it. I'm going to get it because it makes me happy. And so it didn't trigger me, like, whereas in the past, it would trigger me. But what I'm saying is, I like that you were putting in the effort, and now, I mean, you still have moments, like, we were at the Cabo airport, and I'm like, oh, I love their sunglasses. They have so many good sunglasses. So for me, like, every time we've gone to Cabo, I come home with a pair of sunglasses. It's, like, fun. It's, like, part of the experience in the trip now.

I didn't know that was part of your experience.

I know. And so we're walking through, and they have a really good sunglass selection. So I get really excited, and I'm, like, looking. You're like, you don't need these. You don't need these. And you're like, come on, let's go. Come on, let's go. And I was like.

I didn't say, come on, let's go. I said, you don't need.

I know you said. But I finally was like, hey, I don't need your energy. I'M gonna browse. We have plenty of time before the fl. So quit fucking up my moment here. And you were like. And then you were good. You're like, okay, that's fine.

And imagine if you had not had sex with me for five days.

Oh, it went bad.

Yeah. Given.05.

But I'm just saying, like, we both kind of had all the. These little moments where we crossed the line for each other. And that's what really, I think, how we got to where we are today. And even now, like, we'll do therapy once a week. And it's like, just trying to figure out how to better communicate because it's like, I'm always going to be me. I'm always going to be a five. You're always going to be you. You're always going to be an eight. So it's. It's.

Those are the numbers from Enneagram, Right?

So. But it's like he. Our Steven, our therapist always laughs because he's like, oh, my God. It's so funny because you're a five. And I was like, oh. At first I was, like, triggered. Now I'm like, yeah, that makes. That makes sense. Like, I don't see the world like you do, and you don't see the world like I do.

So look at. I want you to come back. Bring it back. So you had a thing that was important to you, which is buying gifts, quality time. These were two things that are important to you. And I struggled with both. I struggled with delivering up quality time, which is like, being around you just as friends and connected as partners. And I struggled with the idea of spending larger amounts of money on things that, to me were bullshit. On the flip side of this, you felt the same way about sex. You looked at sex with me as, like, this chore. And you kind of had to throw up in your mouth. And you were like, I don't really wanna do this, but I guess I'm gonna do this. And at the same time, I'm like, I don't really wanna buy her all this shit and spend all this money and do these things. I kind of having a really hard time, like, fucking shaking right now, trying to not shoot myself in the face over this $4,000 handbag. The same way you were feeling about having sex in the shower. Is that what I'm hearing?

I think no. I think that it felt like a chore in the beginning because I didn't feel connected to you at all. So I was like. And we were, like, going through a space in time where we were losing everything. So then I was like, I'm so repulsed by this man. Like, he's not providing. We're not connected. I'm like. Like, I just physically did not want to have sex with you. Like, I didn't. It wasn't like, it. It wasn't that I didn't want to have good sex. I just didn't want to have it with you.

I didn't know how to do that for five years. You never did either.

But I. But I also think we got married so, so young. And you literally, from the time I married you, you went into like, right after we got married, you're like, things change. What changed? You went into, like, you. You opened your own mortgage company. I remember living in Vegas, and I'd be like, it's 10 o' clock at night. Like, I worked till like 7 or 8 because I was hairstyles. But I remember countless nights where you were at the office till like 10pm And I'm like, wow. And you always work like that when we were dating too, but you always still made time for me. So it was weird. All of a sudden, it was like, you went into like, hunter mode. Like, I don't have to work on my relationship anymore. I got the girl. I'm just gonna grind and build my business. And I think a lot of men probably do that. And then they're confused. Like, why doesn't my wife want to have sex with me? Does she not see how awesome I am and how much money I'm making? And she's like, no, you just left me for 10 years. And I signed up for a tennis team too.

If you had realized that you had such power sexually, would you have used it differently in the first year we were married than what you did?

For sure. I mean, as I get older and I'm obviously more mature and wiser, I wouldn't do half the shit I did. I didn't. You don't know what you don't know.

Me neither.

And so, yeah, we were both exactly like. You went into this hunter grinder mode, build my cousin, my. My cousin, my companies. Because that's what the narrative was. That's what you do. That's what our generations told us. The guy goes out and works and hunt and the girl stays home. And what does that lead to? Lots of divorces. Like, truthfully, it does. And so it's like, that's not the married game anymore. The married game is not just like, hey, we. We got married. Now we don't have to try Anymore. That's why even physically, couples let themselves go. What is it about being marri committed that you have to stop trying in your relationship or even care about yourself anymore? Then the minute somebody gets divorced, what happened? Super fit also loses weight. They get hair extensions and the lashes. The girls get all skinny. You're like, what the hell? Why? Why? Why couldn't you. So that's what I'm saying. Like, for me, what the old narrative of being married is, like, not acceptable anymore. Otherwise, you people are just going to continue to get divorced.

So we had so the chance. The choice, though, was a choice. And the choice was to change our stories. And that ultimately required us to collide with truth. You had to get honest with me about how disgusted you were, and I had to get honest with you about how desperate I felt. And the interesting part was like, chicken and egg. Chicken and egg. What came first? The fact that I was being starved sexually. That's what caused the desperation. And so it's your fault, or was it my fault? I was acting desperate, Was just having you continue to withhold. And I was like, here we are in a relationship where we're together even before we lost everything. We lost everything. It just made it worse. Expose us exposed how weak we actually were as a couple. So there's this piece. If we're talking to couples and they're hearing this, even young couples listening for the first time, what do you suggest they do now so they don't have to be on the day? Let's see. We've been together for 23 years.

One simple thing. It's called date your wife. That's why we created this. This show is because you get married and you don't have to. You stop trying. You forget to. You forget to date and seduce your wife. When you're dating, you want to marry this person for a reason. I mean, most normal couples, unless it's like an arranged marriage or whatnot, but you want to marry this person because there's that connection, there's that chemistry. And then, like I said, you. Even if you're not married, and you're just like, well, this is my wife, and this one I'm committed to. Same thing. Did you just stop trying because that's your committed person or who you're married to? What if you continue to always chase and be in the game of dating, it's called date your wife. If you always are in the pursuit, it's always exciting. Imagine if, like, every day you're like, I gotta keep my wife every day. That The. The commitment in the piece of paper doesn't matter. I actually, to keep my wife, I have to try and act like we're dating again.

That's why people go to open relationships, so they can create the triggered situation of the feeling that I need to show up.

Right. But imagine if you didn't have to do that and you're like, hey, I'm in a relationship because I want to be here. And otherwise if I didn't, then I would move on.

Yeah. It requires honesty. And this is the piece that, like, people just not really struggle with. And it's what we struggled with. If you wrote everything back to the core, there were a couple fundamental issues. We didn't know who we were. Number one, however, we were young. We didn't know who we were. We didn't know what we want. And even when we got clear about what we wanted, we lied. Lied. We didn't tell the truth about what we wanted.

Well, we didn't know.

But even when you did know, there were things you knew you wanted from me, but you had your stories that had. I know. So you lied. You didn't tell me. I had my things that I wanted, and I was blatant about saying them, but even in that, I was not telling you the full truth about where I was at with it. Like, I never understood the emotional pain you were in. You didn't understand the emotional pain I was in. And so the more we continued to just isolate from our pain, it pushed us further and further and further.

Apartment of like, if I tell them the full truth, then I'm so exposed. Right?

It's 100%. You're so exposed. And that's scary, right? Super scary. What's scary to you about it?

I don't know. Though it's getting less scary is what I'll tell you, is because the more I do communicate, then I'm like, oh, I'm so glad I felt fully communicated to me. It almost builds more of a trust. Like, I'm like, I look at it as, like, he can read my mind. Of course he knows I'm full right now. Like, you know what I mean? It's this element of, like, I can't lie to you. I'm so just exposed right now. Like, I can't lie to you. And so it actually builds a stronger bond and a more feeling of safety and security. Even though we tell ourselves this is scary and I'm going to be too naked, too vulnerable, it's in my. In my experience, I've ex. It's been the opposite where I'm like, oh, I actually feel a little bit safer and I know I can share these scary things and I feel more bonded and connected, if that makes sense.

I think what happens is the following. I think, how are we doing time? Are we like close to 30? Yeah, we're close. How much time we got? Three more minutes. We're just going to keep this live on here. We're trying to keep these shows a 30 minutes so you guys get captured for the next episode. So what I think occurred for me is that there was an opening of truth. And that opening of truth exposes you and exposes one of the deepest fears in marriage. If I'm all of me, will they still love me? And for fear of being rejected and no longer wanted by your spouse, you end up building a fake false narrative. And then you suffer in silence in these plastic boxes called your marriage. And then people see the divorce is happening and they see all these things occurring and they watch the unhappiness. You know, look at this from a place of like even dysfunctional divorce. There's like more than half the relationships that are considered married or not happy. They're just enduring for the kids or enduring because this is what the religious contract said they have to to do and they're going to hell if they don't. So it's like being able to create that vulnerability and being able to take a risk. And we've both done that and we keep doing that is taking risks with each other by exposing the fullness and wholeness of ourselves. But also we both continue to push ourselves personally to a higher level. Which is not like I'm sitting here expecting something from you while I'm a lazy piece of that does nothing with my life. And you're not sitting over there expecting something from me while you're just become this 300 pound job of the hut, sitting at the house eating donuts all day and not doing a goddamn thing with yourself. You're not romping around in a ponytail taking showers every six days. You're pushing yourself, I'm pushing myself. And in that it gets actually easier to be honest because you start to recognize you are a powerful woman and you don't need me. You don't need me. I'm a powerful man. I don't need you in that. And it's so uncomfortable for our minds to even hear this talk when the truth is at a deep soul level, the need is real. But on a surface level, the neediness is what causes all the problems and so as you get honest, you've gotten honest, I've gotten honest. The neediness has begun to fall away because there's a certainty in ourselves. The interesting part is that certainty in ourselves gives us the ability and willingness to be more honest with each other because there's not a fear that you're going to fall. Like, Keith says this all the time. He said, listen, the bird doesn't get the courage to stand on the branch of a tree over a canyon because of the strength of the branch. It has courage because it knows no matter what happens, it can fly. And when individuals in a marriage recognize that the branch is not the other person, that their strength is themselves, then they can come to the marital relationship with truth and build something unbreakable, which is what we're doing, which is why Cabo was like, fucking amazing. Ramifications are amazing. And I'm painting all this. I know you don't like to go back there, but I go back there because a lot of people listening, they don't get it. They don't see where we were. They just see the slow motion. Great video shots I took of you on a horse in Cabo and fucking great music at 0.5% five speed. And they're like, these guys live in a goddamn movie. I was like, no, that was me on cinematic with a cell phone on the back of fucking ponies for, like, 15 minutes trying to get the perfect shot. All right, so go wrap it up for today's show. Here is the deal. Couple things for you. Danielle has a new blog out. Talk to him about your blog.

Well, I launched a blog called DKW Signing 12 years ago. It's how I built my brand. And then as my companies and life and families picked up, I stopped blogging. But recently, I'm a different human being than I was 12 years ago. So I relaunched my blog as a representation of who I am today and what I have built. So we have weekly content from podcasts to fashion, fitness, family, and all those good things. So you go to Danielle K. White to learn more about me and my hairline and everything that I have built and catch some fun.

Daniellekwhite.com Daniellek white.com Daniellek white.com all right, awesome. On top of this, too, we have an amazing opportunity here at Warrior, which is the sponsor of this show, which is an opportunity for you to learn how to live the worst way. This is the tools and mechanics I wished I'd had back in the day. Had I had any even remotely close to this type of curriculum, conversation tools to deal with marriage, myself and life. Our marriage would have experienced a larger percentage of the 23 years together in joy and happiness like we are now than a lot of the suffering that we're in. And I know for a lot of marriages that end divorce, this would have been the answer that would have fixed it all. You can learn more and get a free 30 day trial of all access to the most amazing, powerful automating system for personal power and production in the game of purpose in life. You can check that out by going to wakeupwarrior.com or warriorlaunch.com we'll see you guys here next week and our next episode, which will actually be us with my wife changing her outfit. And we'll be back here in about five minutes to shoot one that you're going to hear a week later. We'll talk to you guys here in five minutes or one week. We're out.