Learning to Speak Your Truth: Overcoming Conflict Avoidance

He's the fucking greatest therapist I've ever seen. I'm not gonna lie. Like, he's.

I think you just liked it because you felt like he got you today. No, no, don't say like that. Don't say like that. But.

And he got me.

I'm trying to be combative. Well, that's.

How can I say it? That doesn't offend you?

No, no, no, no.

I. I'm trying to learn right now.

Okay, well, in the. The sessions were so short before.

Yeah.

That it was just you talking the whole time. How's he gonna get me if he doesn't? And here's the thing with therapy that every couple should know. If you go into it, don't go into it being Right. I went into it thinking, like, I hope I discover something about myself. And even though it's, like, painful. I know, but that's what I'm saying.

Are you sure you said that right? You didn't go into therapy to discover something more about your husband?

No, I usually.

I gotta pull this clip. Where's my. Where's my.

Welcome to another episode of the Date podcast that we've been doing for four years. Four years.

First time I think, we launched a Date Your Wife podcast, 2018.

Okay. But we haven't been super consistent.

Not been consistent at all.

Sounds like any good relationship.

Inconsistently consistent.

You got your ups, you got your downs.

Inconsistent.

You got your hots, you got your colds.

Yeah.

I was listening to one of our episodes. You probably didn't hear it. One of our episodes, like, two episodes ago. And the intro. The intro was a little spicy.

Oh, was it?

It was the one where I was like, don't fucking shush me. I hate when you shush me. And then, like, music played, and it was like. Then you brought us in. You're like, welcome to another episode of the day. Right. Podcast. I'm like, if that's not real, don't listen.

Well, you. You. You've proven that you do not like to be shished. Shushing is not your thing. Why are you so triggered by the shushing?

You know what I think I'm triggered by is I feel like I'm naturally a quiet, introverted person who holds her feelings. And you. You're like, yep, you know this. But I've always been that way. And it's more of like, I'm kind of, like, not internalizing it. Yes, I'm sure I do that. But a part of me is a very observant person, so I'm not quick to react. I'm like, oh. And I was always that person growing up that, like, if somebody said something mean to me or bullied me, I'd be like, shit, I should have said this. Whereas, like, I imagine you were probably like, shit, I shouldn't have said that.

Yeah.

So for me, the reason I think it bugs me or triggers me when you're like, shh, hey, is because forever it was like, hey, be a better communicator. I want you to talk more. And then also, I felt like. To, like, even out, like, socially, people, like, your wife's so quiet, and you're like, no, you don't see her. Like, I do because I would open up with you and talk a lot. And so you saw this other very communicative person. And then in front of people, I was just like, oh. Because I was just kind of, like, introverted, and I wasn't great at communicating. And I feel like I've come such a long way at articulating and communicating and sharing my feelings, whether it's with you, whether it's with staff. Because even with, like, my work staff, I felt like I was, like, kind of passive aggressive because I was a conflict avoider. It wasn't even that I didn't want to. I just was like, yeah, everything's happy, clappy and good. Because I was avoiding conflict. But then conflict can never be avoided. Always manifests in some way, shape, or form. So I think I short. Long story short, I've really worked on not being that person that is just quiet all the time. And it's helped me build my teams, it's helped me build my relationship, and then sometimes it hasn't helped me with my relationship. You know what I mean? Or it's like learning not just how to not be quiet, but how to communicate it correctly. Right. So I went from, like, not communicating at all to bottling it up to being very, like, blunt and direct, even with my team. You know what I mean? And so I've had to learn how to be like, okay, how do I get what I want out of the situation? And now in this place where I'm like, I need to think before I speak. You know what I mean? But even then, I'm like, sometimes I don't think before I speak, which everybody does that.

What about feeling before you speak? Learning about your feelings.

Learning about feelings.

Yeah. Tell us about that.

I mean, we just had a whole. We. We started therapy again the beginning of this year, and we've been kind of on and off. And then recently have Been very hot and cold. So started back up with therapy this week. But for me, I've never been against. I've actually wanted to learn how to read people, how to communicate. It's not that I haven't really wanted that. Do you know what I mean? So I think it's just like learning how to communicate with each people. And then like, they were talking about, like, the Enneagrams. And like, our therapist is like, here's how you.

He's a fan of the Enneagram. He's really good at it, too.

He's.

You can tell everybody's fucking amazing. He's great.

I like that. He. When things get heated, he laughs and makes a joke.

He does on purpose. He'll throw.

He does it so that you're not, like, derailed and like, fuck you, I'm out. Like, you're like. All of a sudden you're crying and then you're laughing. You're like, what?

He's the greatest. Because he'll take a situation and he'll take a situation we're in, and then he'll be me, and he'll role play me back to Danielle in a better way than I was saying it or in a way that Danielle can hear it. And then it'll do the same thing with Danielle to me. And it.

I've never had anyone do that in therapy.

Never. It's the best therapist ever.

It's interesting because you can. It's almost like you hear. It's. My face is not on his face. Right. So you're. It's almost like you hear versus reacting. Because you're like. Because he's like, if I'm Danielle. And I said this. And it makes me laugh when he first did that. Except first off, I'm like, you don't look or act anything like my husband. So I'm really just gonna have to listen to what you're saying and not. And not react, which is the point.

Yeah, that's why it works.

Yeah.

Yeah, He's. He was. I mean, he got through a bunch of. Bunch of things today. How would you rate today's session?

Um, I thought it was progress is how I would rate it. I wouldn't really give it a rating because I. I do think sometimes I'll. We'll leave a session and I feel very, like, unfinished. But it's not that I feel finished. It's almost just that I feel like we accomplished a lot. You know what I mean? So it's. But that's kind of when we were. When we have done therapy in the past. That's how we do it. We, like. We were going like, twice a week, so I felt like we got through a lot. Whereas, like, we don't necessarily have two times per week. So we doubled up on a session.

Two hour sessions. Fucking great.

I do think an hour is not enough. I think an hour left high and.

Yeah, we never solved shit. And then we were like, go for a week and I'd be fucking pissed.

Yeah, it was. It almost like you're like, did that make it better? Did it just uncover halftime?

He even takes a piss break in the middle of the day, the session. He's like, well, all right, we're at the top of that, or I'm going to go take a piss.

Do you think he really has to piss or is he like.

For sure he does. He's, like, older. Okay? He's older and he's drinking coffee all day. He's got to sit and listen to couples in their drama. He's the greatest therapist I've ever seen. I'm not going to lie. Like, he is.

I think you just liked it because you felt like he got you today. No, no, don't say like that. Don't say like that.

But I got you and he got me.

I was trying to be combative. Well, that's.

How can I say it? That doesn't offend you?

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm trying to learn right now.

Okay, well, in the. The sessions were so short. Before that, it was just you talking the whole time. How's he gonna get me if he doesn't hear me talk? And here's the thing with therapy that every couple should know. If you go into it, don't go into it being right. I went into it thinking, like, I hope I discover something about myself. And even though it's, like, painful. I know, but that same thing.

I'm sure you said that, right? You didn't go into therapy to discover something more about your husband?

No, I usually.

I gotta pull this clip. Where's my. Where's my phone?

Usually I dip yourself, and I feel like. When? Why?

Because I have this clip I want to pull up. Oh, damn it. I didn't text it to you. It's by Bill Burr. It's. He talks about. He talks about couples and couple therapy, and he's hilarious because his wife is, like, half of his bits. And he's talking about, like, being married. He's like, well, you know, being married five years, I've learned a few things. One of One of the things I've learned is that we're always working on improving me is that it's like, my wife was, like, born in the pristine. Christine Chapel is like this perfect statue that should be honored and adored, and we should just view her for who she is. And, well, me, I'm like, those buildings in New York City with the fucking scaffolding around it that's been there for three years. And you're like, for fuck's sakes, just break it. Burn it down. And I'm laughing my ass off about it because of the fact that every guy feels this way about therapy. Oh, every guy feels this way about marriage.

About what?

Which is. We're always working on the problem of the guy. I promise you'd line up a hundred dudes. And I say, who's the problem with your relationship in the bank now? What do we really feel? It's both of us.

I think I'm a very conscious woman, to be honest with you. Like, I don't think you are.

You are.

I understand that, like, even if somebody's, like, playing the role of. I'm a victim. I'm like, it doesn't matter. You were still in a relationship. So at some level, you. You were either unconscious or you didn't take accountability in probably more than one area.

You and I are finding out in therapy something interesting, though. We're actually want the same thing.

I knew that from the beginning.

So did I.

And it's funny because I think, like, I told you, like, I was. And I can share this on this session. I don't really care. It was like the. It was like the beginning of the year, and I was like, Charlie was. Let's see, she just turned 1 years old. And when I had severe postpartum when she was born, which I didn't have with any of other kids.

Never told me.

I know. Well, I just knew, like, stuffed it. It's not that I stuffed it. It's. It was my fourth baby. And I was like, I was. I just knew. I just knew it was short term. Does that make sense? So for me, there's no reason. Like, I was like, I don't. Like, I was sad, but I was, like, happy. Because when you have a new baby, like, they're just so freaking cute. Like, you're just like, they're just so cute. So I was, like, sad, but I was like, it will pass. So when I understood that, I was like, I can handle the pain or the mud or whatever, because I know. Why are you getting all teary eyed. It was hard. I just didn't know how to share it and I didn't want anyone else to. I don't know, I just am like that person that doesn't share it. But it was hard and I got through it and got in shape and did another competition and I was like, my family's complete.

And.

And it was crazy because I felt like I had like all the cars, like the houses, the money, like I had everything. And I asked myself like, how could I still feel like a piece is missing?

Yeah.

And so I think that like that's kind of what I'm after with you is I'm like. And you interpret it as like, hey, I want more like words of affirmation. And I interpret it as I want more time. But really it's like we both want to. We have the money, like we have everything. We have purpose. Both of us have very purpose driven businesses. Like, like, if you dropped me in this house and said this is your life, I'd be like, what the. How. That's awesome. How did I do that? And so for me it was like, why do I still feel like I have this piece missing? And I think it was just better connection and communication with you. And because we're so different and, and we are so individually successful, it's hard to hurt. It's. I was explaining this in our class yesterday. I'm like, it's almost harder to grow when you're at a higher level because it's like if. And you were describing it perfectly inside the class. You're like, hey, if you're crossing a bridge but the drop off is two feet, you're like, eh, if I fall, I'm not gonna get hurt. When you've worked so fucking hard and you've built something and you're on that same two foot bridge, but now all of a sudden you, you're 200ft off the ground. If you fall, it's a really rocky, hard fall and there's a chance you may not survive that fall because you've got more at risk. And so it's interesting to be in this place and I don't know, I just know that we're both in the same space where we have it all in a sense. And it's not that this will complete the chapter, but I just know that it will. It, it, it's like it's just a piece that I feel like we're both kind of like sensing that is missing and we both want the same thing. So it's like okay. We've got to put in the work to get there, just like we've done in every area of our life. You know what I mean?

Yeah.

And not to say, like, things are awful or bad or, like, we don't respect or love each other, but what I'm realizing is it really comes down to learning how to communicate to the other person. Truthfully. Like, that's what I'm realizing. How you communicate to me, how I communicate to you. And that's. I think what I liked about our session today is he was like, let me just. He'd be like, say something. And then he'd be, I. Like, normally when you'd say something, it kind of trigger me. And my response would be like. My response would be like. In my head, I'd be like, you dummy, that's not really what you mean to say. But instead, I'd come back and be like, well, you. And he's like, danielle, what if you came back and said, okay, silly pants? Or what did he say? Okay.

He calls me doofus.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Doofus. I know that's not what you're really thinking. He's like it immediately. Like, he's like, it's not even. If you know that about your man, it's not even worth, like, entertaining.

Yeah.

Like, don't let it trigger you. Like, know that that's not what he's trying to say. And I was like, I get it. I was like, it's really hard for me. Like, I'd have to consciously stop and think about, okay, he's riled up, he's angry. Instead of me reacting and instead of me shutting down, how can I come back with love and say, I know you're hurting. I know this is not what you mean. What do you mean right now? You know what I mean? And I think for me, like, when you were like, I need, you know, more words of affirmation. I need to feel appreciated. I need to recognize when you're in pain and when to support you. It's not necessarily like, your biceps look great in that shirt, babe.

Do you know how you do it?

Well, I'm learning.

Yeah. You feel.

I don't think it's that I. I understand these.

You let your feelings out. Like, that's like. You don't keep them locked away. That's the problem with you being so beautiful is the fact that you. You can from the outside. And I'm not saying you don't have personality. You have amazing personality. You have huge communication skills. But a vast majority of Your life. You've been a beautiful Barbie in a box to the world. To me, you've been this. Since the first time I met you. Yeah, right. It's been like this deep connection and communication. Like, I saw it the first night that we hung out. Like, we would sit for, like, three months straight, and we just, like, sat and talked for, like, five, six, seven hours. Watch tv. We didn't go to any clubs. We just sat and talked for hours and hours.

That's how we know there. Is there a connection there?

I think a lot of times that's like the piece that we're trying to get. I'm trying to get back to, not in the sense of going back to it. So, like, if you envision it, like, it's like this Everest expanding eternal, like this. This divine helix that's opening up. There's this point where you're crossing the same. The same place, the same. There's a. Like when we. 22 years ago, we crossed this place. Then fast forward 22 years later and four kids and everything we've gone through in life and. And we're still crossing the same threshold. But right now, we're knocking on this door. It's why, like, last year, the message of Warrior, like, completely opened up for me before Warrior Con 4, and I fell in love with Sean Whalen's Freeman T shirts. And people were like, why are you fucking wearing Sean shirts all the time? I was like a. I love Sean. Don't have a problem with them. We did have our heat for four and a half, five years, but we're fucking dudes. Which means once we get over shit, we fight it out, we're good, whatever. We're straight. And I liked that. It just. I don't know why. It just came off the shelf at me. I was like, fucking Freeman, sure, don't wear that every day. And it was when I started recognizing that we had Done the impossible. The book that Russell and I had published, have It All. We had accomplished what I thought was the top of the mountain. And when we both got to the top of the mountain, we were both still sad and, like, drinking and plant medicine. All these things started coming up that just started creating almost like a riff between us to not allow for feeling. Feeling to occur. It was fun. Yeah, we had a lot of fun.

And I think it.

Even sex when you're numb, though, is not. It's not. It's fun, but it doesn't. It doesn't feel. There's no healing power to it. There's no there's no love to it. There's no growth from it. There's just like, we fucked. That was fun. And then it's over. And you're like, eh, yeah, I get it.

And I think we, we'd done that for so many years that it was like, even the craziest sex isn't fun anymore. I'd rather have a quick intimate session than crazy drunk sex that we've done. We've done it.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And I, I would, I would put, I would put us toe to toe with any of the married. Let's put it this way, let's classify ourselves like a fitness competition. You know, you like under 5, 8, above 5 8, 35 right now. No, I'm putting us and who we are as a couple in our sex game, as a married couple. If you put us in the Christian category, we're like a 12 if we put it. I mean, I slept with two people. You slept with one person. So like, he's awesome though. That guy. That guy you slept with.

Wait, what?

It's me. I was with my ex and you and that's it. And I got five kids with son for my first.

Yeah, but here's the funny thing. Like we have.

It's not like we were.

It's not like we've been sleeping around and people are like, how do you know you're good? I'm like, you just know.

We just know. We're pretty sure in the Christian category of virgin married, we're at the top.

You know what's so funny?

Maybe the porn star people. We got some moves we could learn. But.

So our 16 year old daughter, who's very sexually curious, comes to me with questions all the time. And then she'll be like, she'll say things like, I bet you and dad are like super boring. And then immediately I'm like offended. I'm like, oh, you think so? And then she's like, tell me the. I'm like, I'm not telling my daughter. She's like, where's the. Where's like the naughtiest place. Like, what? And then I'm like, if I told you, you wouldn't believe me. So I told her one thing, not gonna share on a podcast. She goes, I don't believe you. And I was like, yeah, I'm just kidding. But it was actually true.

Are you talking about the jet?

Oh, no, I didn't share that one.

That was great. I'm gonna tell you right now, let me be a little straight with you. Here. One of the greatest reasons for you to ride.

Can I be honest? That was fun. Yeah, but it wasn't like, crazy passionate, connected. It was almost like just to say, we did it.

Of course it was. Well, it was fun. It was fun.

It was fun for sure. I mean.

Well, you were stressed out because you weren't sure if the pilots were gonna come back. And we're back there.

Like, we ran out of private jet last year, and we did sound like we had sex in the bathroom. We just had sex right in the middle of the chest.

We just took it down right there. We took it down both directions, there and back.

Yeah.

I hope that whole. That was a fucking penny.

Would they come out? Like, is it like. We put a Simon on the door.

They were fucking. Do not come out here.

I remember it being kind of noisy, too, and being like, it's a bad.

Idea, but it was awesome. It was awesome. I remember in the middle of having sex on the jet, and I'm like.

I think you said, this is awesome.

I did. Really loud. We were fucking on the jet right now at 40,000ft in there. This is awesome.

On the way over, it was in the bathroom, but. But then on the way back, I had a little margarita, and I was like, yeah, I don't care anymore.

We're going on the couch.

Yeah.

So anyways, in the virgin, Christian category. Raised, Christian raised, virgins raised. Wait till you're married.

We got gang, which is wild because we got gang for the first, like, being married at 20 and very young in the Mormon culture. And you're the only man I've actually slept with. It's not as I didn't, like, play around, but you're the only one that I've actually slept with. And the fact that we didn't really have great sex for 10 years, I definitely feel like we've made up for it.

Yeah. I mean, Jesus, dude, we struggled.

It was just awkward. It wasn't that we. It wasn't that we. I'll just say this out loud. It wasn't that I wasn't having orgasms. It just was, like, very robotic. It was like, in the Mormon culture, you wear what's called garments. So the most unsexy thing on the planet. And so, like, you cook, you go to bed, and you're like, in this ugly onesie. How is that sexy?

Not at all.

It's not sexy at all.

It's not. There's nothing.

And even, like, when we got married, I mean, maybe it's different now in the Mormon culture.

What? They have thong version?

No, no, no. Like, I've. I mean, I've talked to my, like, my sisters who are still active. They're like, I don't wear that to bed. I'm like, so then your husband knows when it's go time. Like, if you don't come to bed in garments, like, they know it's go time.

What an easy sign, though. That's right. As a guy, it would be super easy. Like, you know, you're like, well, you got the baggy. Baggy sheets, or you got the thong back with no top, or, you know, real quick.

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure you didn't wear lingerie much at all in the first 10 years.

It was super taboo. And you know what, though? Like, I got. I got more into lingerie when I got more fit, and it was like, I was proud of my body, and I felt more comfortable and confident. And I also love clothes. And so for me, I was like, whoa. Lingerie is like fashion. Like, you know what I mean? I'm like, this is fun. And it was funny. We had some. I don't think. I don't know if it's normal for girls to want to wear lingerie or not. Like, I'm mixed reviews. Some of my friends are like, yeah.

And then, well, people would make jokes. Who. You're saying you're the. The organizers?

Yeah, they came over and they, like, literally, I have this cute box, and everything's organized, color coordinated.

Were they lds girls?

I don't know. But. What's so funny? I was like, where'd you put my. I didn't want to say it out loud, but I was like, where's my. Where's my naughty box?

Because I think you got. Did you call the naughty box? Oh, that's awesome. We should have a box named the Naughty box, and we can put the toys in there. So, Tyler. So I like to keep grabbing sex toys, going, oh, my God.

So embarrassing.

Hey, dad. What? She comes in and she's holding. She's holding that vibrator this morning, the butterfly one that has the remote, you know, like, goes in plus hitch clit, like, right there on top. You know what I'm talking about?

Yep.

She's holding it by her hand, and she's carrying it around. She's like, dad, I can't figure out what this is.

Then I shouldn't tell you about the one that Charlie thought was a binky.

Oh, no.

I was like, somebody wash her mouth. It's the wrong winky.

No, she didn't. She Did.

It's fine. I washed it and scrubbed her little teeth. She'll be too young to know, so it's not gonna be scarring later.

Just to show when she's an adult. Did you know they used it?

My mom used this as a toothbrush. No, she did not.

She. Oh, man. You know, I remember. I don't know if you had the super parents. My parents had that wand every. And my mom. My mom said it was from massages, but now I'm very confident.

When you're older, do not think back of, like, all, like, different creepy parents or not creepy, but maybe just super sexual.

I, like, have, like, look at that training coming out. Creepy. We're definitely the creepy parents, though. You know, Bailey's had her friends sleep over the years.

I had one friend, literally, he had, like, a work garage that had, like, all these, like, literally, like, naked girl photos in the garage.

Of course, that's like, pretty much every non Mormon guy.

No, they were Mormon. He was Mormon. That's why we thought he was creepy. It was, like, Christian guy.

Probably why he thought he was creepy.

And. Yeah, and his.

That's pretty good. His wife was not topless girls in the garage at the dude working on the car. That's just good old American. Good old American?

No. He also laid out in the backyard in a thong.

Oh, it's not so American. I was like, it's right up there.

I was like, listen, is that the pool boys? And then I found out it was the dad, so that was creepy. They did have one of those wands.

Yeah, I. I think it's on their.

Bedroom ceiling, I think.

Oh, that's awesome. We should have mirrors on it. You should have mirrors on a ceiling that you can tint. So you probably could. You could just push a button and they'd look like.

If you go into someone's house bedroom.

And they have mirrors on the ceiling. On it.

You know exactly what there's for. It's not like, of course that's a designer mirror that we just.

How many people are coming in your master bedroom?

It's surprising at our house, a lot.

We should definitely get a mirror on the ceiling now. Do you think that'd be cool? I think it'd be cool.

It's like watching you just be what?

You know, I'll be watching you the whole time.

So with one of my kids. I can't remember.

You could be watching me too. And now that I'm doing my glute workouts, that'll be better for you. And back workouts. Now that I'm getting some lats, backs and, you know, some delts. That'd be good if I had a little mirror up there, then you could watch me. You're not inspired by that?

Well, I was gonna say you're gonna.

Be inspired when I'm done with all this working out.

No, I wasn't gonna say that. I was, like, thinking which position would look good.

I'd have to be a missionary. Yeah. And then I was thinking about it too. I was like, no, I mean, you couldn't really arch it. I mean, if you're dogging, you're, like, arching. I'm trying to look at yourself. I guess you'd have to have a mirror on the wall. I think the new.

The new thing, like, back in the day, it was mirrors. Now people are like, hey, babe, pop open the camera.

Oh, yeah. There's no reason for a mirror. You're like, let's just video ourselves. Yeah, but then that's actually quite a thing. I've talked to more and more couples that, like, they. Instead of, like, being weird about porn, like, this is a great gift.

Oh, there you go. So then you're like, great.

It's better than pictures.

And then you can. When you're thinking about it.

Just talking about that in mind. On my.

Guys. Don't guys have, like, a secret file on their phone?

All guys have a secret file, and all guys will have a secret file. But what all guys really want, we. This is actually a practical real. This is a value add. Right. So if this whole show has just been me crying for no reason outside of feeling bad about my wife and not being there for her, literally, I did. That's why I was crying, because I felt so sad about the fact that you were going through all of that. And I had no.

I think. Can I be honest if we come back to that. You were in work hustle mode, and I didn't want to burden you. And that's really how women feel. They're like, I'm the powerhouse, he's the producer. I don't want to bug him. I'll buckle up and get through this.

I wish you'd have told me. Do you know that that stuff fuels me, though? Like, you understand when you bring you. That's not weight to me.

Yeah.

When you bring your feelings and your hurt and your pain to me, I'm a fucking savage.

But I would say it goes both ways.

But, like, it fuels me, though. It fuels me. Like, when you share your hurt, you share your pain, you share your Stress your anxiety. Share it with me. This is what I do professionally. I'm a fucking professional at this. I'm the best in the goddamn world at it. I will go toe to toe with anyone, including Tony Robbins, at what I do. And in this game, if you'll bring that to me. It's fuel. Of all the people in the world, I'd want to feel their hurt. It's you.

I think it's hard, too, when you feel like you're a strong, powerful woman to be vulnerable, like you said, and you want to be strong for your husband. And so you think by being strong for your husband, it's like, hey, babe, I got the house front. If I was like, I'm melting at the shambles. You'd be like, oh. Like, I'm like, you got to work. What are you gonna do? I don't. It's almost like, I don't want to stress you out more when you're already stressed. Does that make sense? So I'm like, I'm not gonna. It's not that I don't want to communicate. It's. It's literally like, I'm like, he's already dealing with an immense amount of stress. I'm gonna get through this. I don't need to stress him out. But at the same time, I would ask that when you're in pain and you're hurting, it's okay to. Instead of coming at me feeling like. Like, it's okay for, like. I think guys have a hard time being vulnerable too.

Of course.

Like, just come to me. I'd rather. Instead of you, like, say, for example, you come home and you have a hard day, and you're kind of sharp. Like, instead of being sharp, instead of you just being like, I'm hurting, I'm stressed, and I'm in pain. If you said it to me like, that, I would never be sharp with you. I would never be like, what? That's stupid. Like, if you were like, hey, like. So it goes both.

More than being sharp, not sharp.

Like, I mean, like, I know, but.

Like, if that's the case and I come to you with it, because here's a. Here's a challenge. You guys have. Guys have a challenge with it. Because if. If a guy, like, in. In man code, for real, like, the challenge with sexual traction is that. That is all complete turn off. Like, it kills sexual drive for women. Women aren't turned on by this shit.

I'm going. I have to interrupt you.

So, guys, this is what. But I'm telling you, this is why guys shut it off. Because from the time we're young.

Is that what you're taught this?

It's what we're taught and it's how women respond. If you get a super emotional guy who every day is like crying about his shit. Listen, I just cried.

Be weird.

I'm saying it's not a turn on, right?

No, but.

So there's a. There's this line that guys. That's why guys don't share feelings. Because guys in the man world get made. Fucking pussy, dude. Just fucking get over. Fuck her, dude. Just let's go. So the answer is always. The answer is pretty much always. Fuck her, dude. Fuck her, fuck them. Fuck that. Let's just do it. Stop your pussy, dude. Fucking rub some dirt on it. You're fine. Let's go. And then nobody talks about shit.

Isn't that interesting that both male and female do that though? Women are like, I gotta be strong. And the guy's like, but women talk.

To each other though. You don't.

I don't. Cuz here's. Here's the thing. The reason I don't talk to each other people is I don't ever. I know that there's going to be ups and downs and I have had so many friends and family members come to me and talk about the person they love and then I'm like, what a. And I'm like, why would you ever want anyone to think that the person you love and that you want to be with, why would you want them to think negative of them? Do you know what I mean?

Pretty smart.

So I've never done that. Even when we dated, like, I was like, I hate him so much. But I'm not going to go blab to my mom because what's going to happen is my mom's not going to validate you. She's going to validate me and my feelings. And I don't know that my feelings are right.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? So why would I if somebody. If I went and blabbed my mom about half my problems? I mean, my mom loves you, so she would never say this, but in the beginning she might be like, well, you should. Why were you putting up with that shit? You know what I mean? And so then I would be like, yeah, why am I putting up with this shit? So instead I'm like, okay, I'm going to just sit in the space of being mad. I'm not saying that's healthy. I just am saying I don't go talk to Friends and family about it. Would I talk to a therapist? Sure. Obviously, I have no problem doing that.

Our therapist. Great. Here's what I'd love. I think our biggest breakthrough. I was sitting there watching you in therapy today.

I had. Wait, I want to finish one thing before I forget though, about how you're talking about guys and how they feel like, oh, you're being a, you're a very alpha man. I would never. I love watching you when you are confident on stage, speaking, training. I'm like, he's sexy. And I realize it's because of how you, you know, you're good at training, you know, and that's. Women will always be attracted to certainty and confidence. Right? But men, I believe, wanna, they can be certain, but they wanna feel safe with your wife. So I'm just speaking with my thoughts and what I'm kind of gathering here is that a guy's probably scared to be vulnerable at home with his wife saying, I'm in pain, I don't know how to communicate it. So instead he retreats and the wife is like, but I need time, I need to be seen. And he ends up kind of retreating into work because he's hurting.

Same method you had for trying to protect me with the baby situation is what guys will do.

That's what I was saying.

And they'll drink or they'll dummies or smoke weed.

So they're sad and they don't want to share this vulnerable piece. So they sedate or either with alcohol or drugs, or they pour themselves back into work because they're like, well, at least work gives me purpose and I can at least get that high. But ultimately they're like, I just want to love my wife and I want to feel safe. And I, and, and this isn't a new concept. And so this is like a code where I'm like, I really want to crack this. Like, we're dealing with it right now, real time. But ultimately I'm like, we are high producing, very conscious people. That could help a lot of very high level conscious people to, to, to get this piece of the puzzle.

I know 100% now. Like, I, I 100% know why most high level producing couples do not stay married.

It's hard. I told you it's harder.

In your nearly impossible, like the amount of work required and the, the consciousness required to navigate the train when the temptation of shut it down and replace it. I mean, the guy world, it's called this. Replace your 50 with two 25s. Yeah, right. And it, and it's happening everywhere. It's easier because it's way easier. And then you have the flip side of this. Women are now doing the same shit. It'd be much easier. And there's like a crazy epidemic happening, particularly amongst wealthy men. If a guy loses, like, you gotta take a look at this way. Imagine, like, I'd like. I'd like lost step quite a bit, put on a bit of weight. I was struggling. We were having a hard time. You are in a. Based on the state of California and the way the government and the laws work, you are better off as a woman to divorce me and take my money than you are to stay with me and try to work it out.

Right?

Like, there's just. There's so much stacked incentive to women to not stay married and leave their husbands or vice versa for the divorce just to happen. And the guys are like, literally on the backside. Guys get. That's why a lot of younger entrepreneurs are not getting married. Like, fuck these women.

No, I'm not getting married.

If you could divorce me. And then this just happened. A massive soccer player. I can't remember his name big time. From South Africa. Like, one of the top five, 10 soccer players in the world. And the woman he married, they were married for 24 months. And then she tried to divorce him to take all of his money. Like 60 of, like. Which was like $185 million or something. But he had moved all the money into his mother's name. But when they got married. So he didn't own anything. He didn't own one house, not one car, nothing. She got nothing.

Nothing.

Well, that's what happened. Gold digger. She deserves that hope. She rots at Taco Bell.

Wow.

Yeah, that's right.

What happens when he marries another girl?

I guess we got to look at him for marrying. That's the hard part, though. Like, that's. Yeah.

And then his mom's decides. She's like, you're an. I'm keeping all your money.

Yeah, well, think about, like, even. Even, like. Like trying to.

There's no way around it. That's what I'm realizing.

Like, no matter what you do, it.

Doesn'T matter if you divorce. It doesn't matter. At some level, you're just gonna have to say. And even our therapist said today, he's like, you can have a good marriage. You can have a C plus marriage. He's like, but if you want a great marriage, it's going to require a lot of work. And you and I have experienced so much greatness. In every area. That would be really fucking hard to settle for a C plus marriage.

We don't even have a C plus marriage. Like, in the world of marriages. We're like, A plus, but, like, we're below C. We're A plus right now. Everything we fucking have going on, fuck it. We are at the. We are at the top of the food chain. Then it come when you take across the board, both of our fitness, both of our spirituality, both of our parenting, all of our kids, what our kids are doing in life, our money, our businesses, our brands, our house, our cars, our trips, our travel. Go fuck yourself. Line me up with a couple that can compete legit right now with us in that place. Like, cross the board. I'm not talking about one dimension. I don't care if you got bigger delts than me. Don't worry, I'm coming for you. You might have bigger glutes. I hope so, because they're fucking pancakes right now. If you don't, you're. I don't. You're working. You got some pancakes. Little butter cakes in the back there for you. Mine are coming, though.

Girls don't care about big bums for guys. No.

Well, they. You don't care about big bums. Except for the fact that I have no ass to keep my pants up. So I've got to get at least a decent. It's the only part of my body. It's not proportioned to the rest of my body.

You have good arms, though.

Well, it doesn't help with the ass if ass and arms are the thing.

That's how I feel about. I'm the opposite. I got ass and then I had to buy the top shelf.

You did great. You did great. So here's one thing. The pointer. Ready? I'm gonna give a pointer to the guys. Gentlemen, listen up. And ladies, if you're watching this, this is the gift you give Bourdois photos. That's like 1994, okay? Let them go. They're super fun. Do them. But they're not gonna get anything for you. Here's what you do, okay? Every guy at the end of the day wants to fantasize sexually about his woman. He does? Yes. He's triggered by sexuality all over the Internet every single day, every single week, all day long. Instagram. Tits and ass all over the place. Right? So how do you go about getting your mind as a man when you get triggered sexually, you think about your wife. Well, you need content. That means. And every guy knows this. To masturbate, you need Content. You can't just, like, imagine some shit. You need content. It's a phrase in a man world. You know exactly the fuck I'm talking about. You need some content so you can do your shit. Well, when the content is your wife.

You feel more connected.

You feel connected? Yes. Because now you got the photos coming up.

Why don't you just go to your wife?

Because you're not around. Or maybe you're being a psychotic bitch that week.

And so even if you don't like.

Him, you still like you. Are you kidding me? Sometimes you want to fucking. You hate me.

That's true.

Come on. So anyways, like, you do this and then you take it further than the photos. We did our own movies.

We did.

Yeah. We had our own home sex tapes.

We only did one multiple. It's buried a couple. It's buried in buried archives.

And seven I didn't tell you about. I'm just kidding. But you got content. And we've actually watched our content before with ourselves.

That's when people are like, how do you know you're good? I was like, well.

I was watching episode three of the Real White, Real Life, Sexy fans only, fans only edition. And it was. So there's your piece. And like, as much as I'm joking around about it, we'll have guys who are having a hard time in the relationship and I'll say, I want the hottest picture. Your wife is your screensaver. I want you to get a scandalous shot. If you can get some tit shots, that's great. Like, get that on the homepage so it's not everyone can see it. And then on the security page, get like a super fucking tricked out hot picture you want.

A lot of women are not comfortable doing that, though.

Well, that's what I'm saying, though. What do you want your guy to do? Go look a podcast porn.

But I.

So even if you don't feel confident in your body, here's the thing. It's crazy though. Do you know, not one time in our 22 years have I ever once in my brain thought, God, my wife's not attractive.

You know, it's cute. This is one thing my.

Even when you're pregnant and after, I'm still like, God, look at her tits are huge. It's amazing.

But here's what. That's not cute.

But to you. It's not to me. I'm telling you guys, don't.

I will. To your point. This seems weird saying it now, but I'm gonna say it anyways. My Parents are in their 70s. And I remember my dad one time, he's just, like, staring at my mom and smiling, and he's like, you know, your mom, she still looks like she did when she was 30. And I was like, cute. She's 70. Like, he still looks at her, like, the same way.

Oh, yeah. He still wants to have sex.

Oh, yeah. Like he still sees the woman he met.

Like, he sees.

He still sees the. I think they met when they were, like, 16.

They did. They were teenagers.

She was pregnant. That's when they got married. She'll never say that. It's so funny. And then when I ask her, she's like, no, no, I wasn't like, mom. You were showing in your wedding pictures.

Savage, though. I love you, dad. Oh, it looks like we got kids. Come back in and bring them in and wrap the show up.

Sure. What do you want them to say? Hello, goodbye, good morning, good night. Good night.

Bring them in and say a little something. We'll wrap up the thought. Here's the deal.

I didn't give guys. You gave the ladies.

Okay, the ladies. All right, all right, all right. Give it.

I don't have any words of advice to the ladies.

You got any words of advice for the ladies?

No, I would say don't. I would say sorry.

Come over, and you guys can be part of the show today. Come here. Run over here. Come here, babe. Run over here. Come here. Run, run, run. Come here, baby. Come here.

What is this walk? She's like, I got one shoe on.

Come here. Oh, once. You want, you want.

You want. You. Come here.

Oh, you got ice cream in there. What you want to Chick fil a good job. Come here, mama. Come here. Come into the show. Why does your hair look so red today?

I know. She looks like a little strawberry blondie today.

A little strawberry little mama. Oh, can you say hi?

This is the one that. That we were talking about with postpartum, but she is the best, sweetest, cutest, best bonus baby ever. Like, so chill, so freaking cute.

Say, hi, Anna.

Like, if I. If I'm, like, so happy I had her and so blessed, but.

All right, we'll wrap us up for the show. I'll hold the baby.

I guess. My, my. Oh, you talking.

Hi, guys.

I guess my final words are either settle for a good message or shoot for the stars and go for a great marriage. So that's how I can wrap it up. And I think that a lot of times it's. It's not easier. The path that looks the easiest is not it's not. It just creates another place to choose different battles. It's like you were talking about the other day. You can shape shift or you can transform. So you can give up on your marriage and you can shape shift or you can transform and transformation truly comes within yourself. And once you get that, then you can create whatever you want. And it's going to be hard and it's going to be ugly. And just when you think you're at the top, there's another level. And every new level, the higher you get, the harder it gets. So if you're listening to this and you're a successful entrepreneur and you feel like you've, you've got it all and you've hit your ceiling, imagine the next ceiling.

And if we can help you out with some tools here at Wake Up Warrior, we are the number one training company in the world for married businessmen with children who are wanting to have it all. As you can see here, we're pursuing the next level of freedom in our world. Having it all is not our issue. Being free inside of having it all spiritually at a soul level with each other is what we're searching for now. And we're gonna keep you updated on that journey as you pull that off. But to learn more about the tools of Wake Up Warrior and how you too can do this game better and how to improve yourself, improve your marriage, improve your life. These are for men and women. We've got tools, challenges and unique things available both for free and for Investment. Found@wakeupwarrior.com so check it out as well as get ready as the well anticipated release of the real White House TV series is coming. Our new video show demonstrating our have it all lifestyle so that we can show you, not just tell you here on the podcast. So have a great day. This is Erik White and my beautiful, gorgeous, stunning wife who has tons of feelings and beauty and it's going to be committed to sharing all of them with me as it goes forward. Whatever you need me to do. Mine's committed.

Sharing feelings. So is yours. In a productive way.

In a productive way.

In a productive way. Don't hide, don't sedate. If you're in pain, please tell me. There's no sense in trying to be tough. The only person you're hurting is yourself. By doing that, I can promise you that women are beautiful, compassionate people and they want their men to share as well. So no sedating. No sedating.

The end.