LET GO or LEAN IN? | Date Your Wife | EP 134

Well, here we are. Welcome to the date your wife podcast. Not the Mary game podcast, but it appears my wife has taken all the content with her girlfriend from work who stole all of our content.

It was a good one.

Heading into today's show, I. Nobody even knows what I'm talking about.

I'm full of content. I have a podcast.

You are full of content. Is right.

I have a podcast called big money stylists, and we. I decided to double up today, and I literally.

Why are you wearing a winter coat with a hat low? You're trying to hide.

I have not showered. I have no makeup on, and I literally went straight from a spin class. Took off my sweaty clothes, didn't even shower, put on new workout clothes, came to a team meeting, then I had an appointment, then I came back and did a podcast, and I'm doing a podcast with you.

Okay, well, welcome to the busy life.

Mondays are like my backtrack meeting podcast. Catch up.

It sounds like you got a lot more effective things done today than giving snow to our daughter yesterday to play in the courtyard with.

Oh, that was messy.

Still not cleaned up. Leaving it there for you. Your idea. You're a mess. You cleaned up. Oh.

I'm going to delegate because that's what I'm really good at. And I'm going to have Jasmine do it.

It's a good thing to do. It's above your pay grade or below your pay grade? It's above my pay grade. Yeah.

I was like, you know what's so funny? There's some times where I'm doing stuff in the house that I'm like, I should just delegate and have somebody do this for me. And then I'm like, actually, I really like doing this. Is it the most effective with my time? Do I make more money doing it? No, but it's like mindless things that I'm like, I'm really enjoying organizing this random whatever it is. Like, it's of kind. Kind of therapeutic.

I get it.

I don't know if you do. Men do. Men go through that. I know women do.

One time I was cleaning the kitchen.

I felt that way one time.

One time. Here last. I got.

I have a serious question.

All right, off you go.

So I don't know if you noticed, I got a new dishwasher.

Yep.

Have you put a dish in it yet?

I have, and I couldn't find all the fucking spoons because it's got a new tray on the top and it won't.

Okay. I just want to know if you actually did you put a dish in there or were you looking for a dish?

Both. Put a dish in and looked.

I put a dish in between myself and my full crew. I don't think you have ever had to actually put a dish in the dishwasher.

Why would I if I pay for it?

I'm not saying you would, but I.

Spent my whole life doing that.

That's what I'm saying. Like, there's sometimes I find myself, like, on the weekends doing the dishes and. No, because we typically don't have nannies on the weekend. And you do not. You still just, like, leave it out.

I seem to remember a woman on Thanksgiving night when I was trying to clean up the kitchen, which I did. Tell me, why are you doing that?

I know, but that's insane.

Somebody else is gonna get.

So was that because you didn't have to do that? So it was just something you kind of wanted to do? Like, sure, sometimes I clean. Cause I'm just.

Because you want to.

Yeah, I'm just like, I don't want to sit on the couch right now.

I was raised to do my own laundry. Our kids are not raised to do their own laundry.

Isn't it funny that Ruby, our little OCD child, does her own laundry?

She's great.

She's so funny. Like, I'm like, can I help you sort it? She's like, no. I'm like, can you have Jasmine do it? She's like, no. I'm like, well, then you're going to have to pick a day. Like, she's like, mom, I have three full bins of laundry. I didn't do my laundry last week, but I love that she's, like, responsible, like, to the point where she's like, don't touch my laundry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a big deal. You should be proud of her. I'm proud of her. She's doing a great job.

And there's Bailey. You walk in her room and you're.

Like, it's a little better than it used to be. No, it appears a little better.

It does. It.

I don't know. It seems better. Seems a lot better. Yeah.

It seems better on Tuesdays and Thursdays because the cleaners.

Could be. Could be. This seems better on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

I've never seen anything like it.

Yeah. So we've had a lot of sex in the last, like, five days.

Yeah. You're welcome.

Really good sex, too. Aggressive sex.

There's only one aggressive night.

Well, it was aggressive. It was great.

Yeah.

Well, you got a surprise. We're not gonna talk about surprise, but you got a surprise you weren't expecting.

I don't want that surprise anymore. We tried it. I'm done. So.

It was glorious. I tried to warn you, but you were like, I don't care. Let's go for it. I'm like, okay. Not only were you saying, let's go for it, you were passionately saying, let's go for it. Well, I liked it.

That's what happens after you've had a couple shots. Tequila.

Yeah. Well, I like it. So listen, we've had. We've had. We've had a lot of conversations going on. Here's the topic for today. You ready?

I'm ready.

How to encourage your spouse to change without judging the shit out of it.

Oh, my gosh.

Yeah, you already saw the content. Use it on my show. Because you guys are having to get shit on your show. You had to steal mine.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, I am walking great content.

No, we came up with our own content.

You did.

You heard?

I was sitting outside for the scheduled time for our podcast while you guys are running over into my time and doing your idea.

You're trying to now stick my idea?

That's my life. How could it not be my idea?

Can I say it again?

I said, how do you encourage your spouse to change without being a judgy asshole?

Okay, so for me, I was actually talking about. I'm confident that nobody listens to both of these podcasts so I can reshare the same message.

There's at least four people.

There's at least three, maybe six. I'm not gonna listen to the whole thing of our podcast. Nope.

They just watch the reel and go, guy's an asshole.

So let me explain. I feel like I evolved as a human and as a wife and as a partner. I would say, you know, 10 years ago, maybe even eight years ago, five years ago, I don't know. I would get to this place where I wanted to win and I wanted to be right, which wasn't really giving me the outcome that I was looking for in the situation.

Why were you like that?

I think that most people are scared to be wrong. Like, they don't want to be wrong in an argument, and they'd rather be right and suffer. And I'm like, I got to this place where I'm like, that doesn't actually give me the outcome that I'm looking for, even if I'm in the wrong. Like, both people play a role in the situation. Right.

Have you ever admitted you were wrong.

But you used to get so mad.

Like, see how you glazed right over that?

What did you say?

You see how you glazed right over that question?

I would say I do.

When was the last time you acknowledged that you were wrong in a situation? Like, you said, I was wrong, you were right. When did you say that?

Probably last week.

When?

I don't know. When did you.

Last week? Like, 14 years ago.

No. You always want an example, but I feel like I've become really good with my community.

I always want it. You're an asshole. You always want something specific. Example. Well, yeah. When you make a statement, it's like, okay, well, what evidence you have to back up said statement. All I'm asking is, when was the last time you said to me, I was wrong, you were right?

I don't think we have those conversations.

You've never said it. You've never done once. Not one time.

Really?

Yeah. Not one time in 21 years have you ever said, I was wrong, you were right. Not once.

Can you tell me when you said that?

I say it all the time.

Really?

I said it to you last week.

You did?

Yeah.

Tell me.

We make conversation. You're coming at me about my feel freeze. And you're coming at me in several situations where you're like, you're doing this, you're doing this, you're doing this. I'm like, okay.

Specifically, come to me and say, I was wrong, you were right. We just had an open dialect conversation where you're like, I can see your. I can see where you were coming.

Yeah, because I wasn't wrong.

I know. Oh, you weren't wrong.

No, not in that situation.

Okay. I said, give me an example. You gave me this example, and now you're backpedaling and saying, I wasn't wrong.

All right, all right. I wasn't right.

We can do this. We can do this all day long on this podcast, Garrett, but let's not make it about who's wrong and who's right.

In our attempt to say that, we've moved past being wrong and right here we sit in the middle of a battle of wrongs and rights. Seriously, though, like, do you recognize that you don't actually ever. Like, you don't really apologize and you don't. You don't ever say you're wrong.

Really?

Yeah.

I really. I don't show that.

I. I didn't say. You didn't show words, and I like to show you, like, the show.

You don't like my apology.

I love.

Do you not like it you don't like how I show my apology.

Oh, see, that's the problem.

You stop trying to win, Garrett.

The vagina is like the ace in the sleeve, though. It's like you can pull out the nice peaches and the vagina in the booty. And next thing you know, I'm like, oh, forget about everything. Even when I try to be angry, I'm like, I am not being happy, right? But then. But here's the thing. All you gotta do is rub the cock and I'm right away happy.

You could turn me. You could turn. You could say, like, no to me, but you're really only hurting yourself.

Yeah, well, listen, it's not like I can lean over to you and just start rubbing you. Imagine we're in a fight, I start rubbing your vagina.

I might be into it. I don't know.

It works for guys. But it's bullshit that you got such a magic stick. You can just.

I would never be in the middle of an argument and be like, well, here we go, sir.

Yeah, well, you know, not.

I will take off my top first.

Exactly.

Continue the argum.

Exactly. You're like, here, you want to fight with me now with my tits out? I'm like, of course I do want to suck your tits. It's not fair. It's a superpower.

I don't use that to my advantage.

Totally do.

If you are a woman and you are not using that to your advantage, you're silly.

Well, I take my shirt off.

You still have to have. Here's what it does, is it can. Like, sometimes you can be in a heated conversation, like we were in a heated conversation. And then, like, we were both kind of quiet, and I just stuck. I just snuggled up to you naked. And then you were like. It kind of diffused the situation. And then we woke up instead of feeling angry, and we were both like. You were like, hey. And then you're like, hey, I stacked. What you were saying. And here's the conclusion I came to, right? Instead of, like, for me, that was like, my way of apologizing. Like, I'm like, hey, we just kind of had, like, a heated conversation. I'm okay, but I still love you. And if you want to. If you want me to back it up, India, like, I'm going to do that for you.

So you're never going to say I was wrong, but you'll use your body to show me that I was right?

No, I'm more of like, hey, like, I love you. Like, and I don't Want to wake up feeling like I'm angry at you. Like, if we. If we had sex that night and then we address that conversation, it's. I know as a woman, it's going to be different if I'm cold and standoffish and I'm like, well, good night. Fuck you. I know in the moment.

That's how it was in the past. That's all you used to do.

And so that's why. It's not like I'm trying to manipulate you. It's like, I know that, like, I love this man, and I want to still connect with them, so I'm gonna have. That's like how they say they don't go to bed mad. Like, I used to be like, that's fucking stupid. And now I'm like, you know what? There is a lot of power in, like, hey, like, let's. We were just quiet for a minute, and then, like, started. Obviously had sex. And then it was like, the next morning, we woke up, and we were. I was like, hey, how are you? And instead of it escalating into an. A heated conversation that maybe didn't. That kind of broke the ice.

So, well, it escalated. We ended up in the morning, we had sex again.

You're welcome. I'm a great wife. You are.

You are. This was a hard thing in the past for you, though. Like, you were. You were not sit down with it. And I was like, obviously not showing up in a way that allowed you to be down with it. But the way I was thinking about the last couple weeks, even before last time I went out of town, is there are. There is situation after situation that in the past would have spiraled us for weeks and even months and led eventually to a place of us thinking, nobody winning. I don't want to fucking be at this woman anymore. You're like, I don't want to be this asshole anymore. Maybe we should meet you with somebody else. All because of the way we couldn't handle the dialogue and conversation. But it's because we wouldn't stay in conflict. I sent you a little video today.

I watched it.

Did you see that?

Yeah.

Do you know who Jordan Peterson is? It's not random. Jordan Peterson's like, the fucking man. Are you kidding me? Hold on, hold on, hold on. I'm gonna play this video that's got a little audio.

People think, I know everybody. I'm like, I don't know.

You should. This guy's awesome. Here we go. So hold on, I'm gonna play this. Hold on.

This is Good, because we're gonna carry it with us.

Hold on, hold on. I love this guy. Jordan Peters.

Problem with me?

I don't want to watch a surfing video. God damn it. Hold on. Here we go.

It's getting weird.

You got a problem with me? Let's sort it out, because we're going to carry it with us. You want to do that? So people wonder why I engage in conflict. I hate conflict. It's. And I find it very stressful. But conflict delayed is conflict multiplied. That's so true. Like, you got a problem with me.

Listen one more time. Hold on.

Because we're going to carry it with us. You want to do that? So people wonder why I engage in conflict. I hate conflict. It's. And I find it very stressful. But conflict delayed is conflict multiplied. Oh, that's so true.

But number one, I love Jordan Peterson. I think he's fantastic. I also. I also, like, can't believe I just forgot his name.

I was like, I don't know.

Well, I don't know who it was. Obviously.

I feel like I always would say, and I've said this in so many of our podcasts, that women always are like, oh, I'm a people pleaser. I'm like, no, you're not. You're a conflict avoider. You don't want to have tough conversations, and you don't like feeling uncomfortable acting like you're a people pleaser. Right. Because I always felt like that was me. And I was like, you know what the reality is? I'm avoiding conflict. And I'm in this painful space because I keep avoiding conflict and conversations. That. That now it's multiplied into a really big problem.

Look, what Jordan Peterson is saying at the end of this. Conflict is voided as conflict multiplied.

Right, Exactly.

It snowballs, like, in a massive way. Right. So, like, you and I had a couple situations the last couple weeks where we would, in the past, have collision, and then we wouldn't resolve it the way we resolved it, which is conversation and sex. Like, we wouldn't use those two things. We wouldn't dialogue it anymore. We wouldn't have sex. You would push me away. I would get angry. Then I would go on a road trip, Then I'd come back. You'd be angry again. Like, we were. We would get into this thing that would just compound on itself and, like, where we would arrive today versus what we would have done in the past. We would have been in two different galaxies heading into the holidays, and literally, I would have dug in and said, fuck this. Bitch, I'm done with her. Da, da, da, da. You would have done the same thing, and we would have, like, dug in heading into the holidays, and we kept doing this for years and years and years.

Yeah.

So what was the switch for you? How did you get to a place, like, for your own. In your. In the last, like, three to four years? Because the last three, four years have really been explosive for us.

On top of the fact you made, like, at a young age. I remember, like, getting in fights in, like, my 20s and. And like, the. I always call her. My higher self comes down. I was like, it doesn't. If you can't figure this out, you can. You're going to recreate problems with somebody else. You better figure out, like, it doesn't. It doesn't necessarily. Like, it's. If you decide you're done, like, it's not going to fix the problem maybe with somebody else. You know what I mean? Like, I really had to figure out who I was. And so for me, I think. I mean, I got married young, and I think I. You know, I think it's just, like, over time, we evolve as people, hopefully, right?

Well, not everybody. Most people don't evolve.

And some people don't devolve.

They go the opposite direction. They're worse now than they were five years ago. Their marriage is worse now than it was five years.

But for me, I was like, okay, if I'm going to be in this marriage, if I'm going to be in this relationship with this man, I'm not going to be. I don't want to be unhappy. Right? And a lot of people live in subpar relationships because they're afraid of what's gonna happen if they leave this person.

Were you afraid? Is that why? Because you weren't showing up that way, and neither was. I mean, we've been together for 21 years. You were not showing up that way. Realistically, our first bend in the road where you and I started doing that with each other was 2017. So 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22. So last six years, we really started turning the game. And in the last four years, we accelerated. In the last 12 months since the birth of Charlie, it's been nuclear. Why? What's happening on your side? Besides the fact that you just look fucking amazing and sex off the charts, I think.

I think.

I think sex has a lot to do with it.

I think I really have just, like, come into my own skin. Like, I'm just like. I. I feel like you saw me as a powerful person. And I didn't see myself as a powerful person. And so the minute I saw myself is like, when I really was like, hey, this is tolerable. This is not tolerable. This is how I'm going to. And inside of myself, not tolerable with you. If it's not tolerable with you, I'm going to have that conversation. Right. But it was like, there was things with myself that I was tolerating that was causing me to react a certain way. And I was like, I'm done tolerating this version of myself. Like, I'm done. And so I used to kind of always, like, maybe one of. Not always, but I would put it on you whether. Whether it was an argument or whatever it was. And I just kind of had to really look inward. Like, I was like, how do I get what I want? And I'm like, okay, sure. Sex is a great tool. All right, fuck it. I'll get in the best shape of my life. I'll have my boobs redone. Like, I had four babies and I have a six pack. Like, let's fucking do it. And I'm like, oh, wow. Actually, like, this version of me, she's kind of sexy. She's kind of hot. Wow. This is kind of fun. And it's not like, again, I'm not trying to be manipulative. I'm trying to use sex. And I guess myself, I'm using this as a tool. And in doing it, I'm like, this is fun.

Yep.

And so I feel very confident with it. And that has kind of changed our marriage. And even then, like, working on conversation versus, like, kind of being like. I say that women do jabs a lot. Right. Because we're looking. We just react. And I'm sure men do, too.

Yeah.

Where it's like, okay, instead of just reacting and jabbing, is that going to give you the outcome that you're looking for? Like, everything I do, I'm like, I could say that and feel, oh, yeah, I got him. Like, I really got him in the moment.

But I'm like, you used to do that a lot.

I know. And I think women in general, like, I think people in general probably. Probably do that. And then I have to ask myself, why did I say that? Why did I need to do that? Did that give me the outcome that I wanted? No. Then shut your fucking mouth. And that's just something that I've really tried to work on in myself and just kind of come to when I'm talking to people, whether it's our kids or you of, like, just kind of sitting for a minute and just assessing the situation, even recently with Bailey. So I'll share this story really, really quick. I know we're kind of talking about us, but I just feel like this might add some value. But Bailey's been a hard kid.

She.

Like, a very hard kid. She was in and out of boarding schools last year. Like, she got to this place where she was just super depressed, not getting out of bed. Like, she. I didn't know how to help her. And I was like, God, I. I don't. I. I would tell her, like, bailey, you can't. Sleeping all day is not an option. Right? Like, you can't do these things. But it got to this point where I was so frustrated with her that I was like, garrett, I don't think I can do it. Like, I was dragging her out of bed. We had her at high school. I started. She started high school, and she's like, mom, it's stupid. I hate the kids. Kids, they're freaking drunk and drunk and high all day. This is a waste of my time. And I was like, you have to graduate high school. Like, you have to get your ged. Like, I'm not even. My standards are not even that high. I'm like, you have to do this. And I was to this point where I was so frustrated with her that I was like, remember? I was like, we're gonna have to send her back to boarding school. Like, I don't know what else to do. Remember, this was, like, not even that long ago. And I was like, I don't know what else to do. And this calm came over me, and my higher self came to me and said, danielle, you need to lean into her in this moment and stop trying to control hers. She's not yours to control. You're here to guide and direct her. But in this season, you need to lean into her.

And I was like, you know, you're being told. At the same time you're being told to lean in was the same being told. I was being told to lean out. I was being told to let go. God was telling me in my medicine journeys, let her go. And specifically, the idea that there were too many voices in her world talking to her and telling her what to do. She couldn't hear God's voice. So it was really difficult for me to let go. And it was difficult for you to lean in. I let go when you leaned in. The minute I let go and you leaned in, shit started working.

I was. I Remember right before you had your big travel spurt, I was like, I. I need you to just say, ask your mom. I'm like, I need you to give me all the control right now. Just say, ask your mom. Stop. Because you're like, you always want me to be the cleanup. And I was like, I don't want you to be the cleanup. I need you to get out of my way. And so it. Like in that period when you were gone, I was almost just kind of observing and, like, just, you know, I'd be like, get up and work out with her and things like that. And then she expressed interest in doing hair. And I was like, there's my window. And I was like, did you know you can get. You can go get. You can go test out, get your ged, start hair school. You can be making great money within like a year. She's like, really? So then I hired her on at my salon, and she's so much happier and she's working out and she's doing. And she's doing so much better. Well, then she randomly gets invited to this. This music thing last weekend. And normally I would have been like, ah, it's 400. It's clear in Huntington Beach. I don't have time to take you. Who are you going with? What? I don't know this kid. I don't know this friend. And I immediately would, like, shoot opportunities down and be like, no, you can't. And I was like, yeah, you can do that. I'll pay for that. She's like, really? And she was super excited. So she goes. And long story short, like, this guy, this one of the. The guy, this producer in this music thing, I don't even know what it's called, but, like, this kind of music experience she went to, he's like, hey, I'd love to meet with you and Bailey. And I'm like, what. What's this about? So we meet with Bailey and him, and he's basically like, you're like the next, like, Billie Eilish. He's like, you, like. He's like, I. He's like, I see so much star quality in you. So anyway, she's, like, pumped, and I just kind of felt. And now she's starting in that while she's working at my salon, we're going to. She's going to still go to hair school, which conveniently, Paul Mitchell Hair school is right next to this music studio.

God's lining it up.

And I was just like, sometimes you ignore opportunities, and when you say, yes, the Fucking cards just line up and you're like, I just hit. I just hit the fast track. Because you said yes to an opportunity that you kept saying no to, that you weren't listening, that you weren't letting go. And so in letting go, you have to be observant to listening. And by listening, I saw this and I leaned in, and all of a sudden, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but everything started lining up and people were like, how do you and Garrett, how did you do things so quickly? And it's like we both in our lives, kind of had to let go and lean in. And also we had to kind of do that with each other, right? We had to kind of like, hey, you're going to be working your ass off. I'm going to jump more into mom mode, right? We had to kind of play this song and this dance with inside of our relationship, with where we're both leading, but we're leading in different areas of our life to create kind of harmony.

You know what I love about you? Yeah, I love you. You know what I love? One of the things I love watching you do is thinking about the first podcast I said we're doing in January of 2018. You're like, no, I won't do it. It was like trying to wash Isla's hair in a bathtub.

And she's like, blah, give me a towel, blah.

And you're like, I'm not doing it. And then to sit here, watch you 2018, 19, 20, 21, and 22. Five years later, and we have totally different situation. You not only own a microphone, you have deep certainty in yourself. You speak like a fucking savage. You lead with commitment. Your content's relevant, all of this. And when we first started, people used to get pissed at me, saying, oh, God, you're over talking, you're over speaking, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, dude, the woman just sits here. The show will be six minutes. If I don't do something now, we go for, like, 10 hours. We're late on this show because you went over 40 minutes with your last show. It's fucking great. You feel good about yourself. You should. You've done amazing work. You've, like, you've done it. And if you look at what happened, our marriage, too, we did the same strategy we just did with Bailey. I let go and you leaned in. I don't know if there's something there, but there seems to be me and my agenda to control shit. The more I let go, which has been the Message all of 2022, God, through every medicine journey, every meditation, every experience has been like, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go. And the more I keep letting go, the better things continue to operate well.

And it's interesting, too, because we want opportunities, but you can't see opportunities if you don't let go. Right?

Yeah. So we're trying to create let go or lean in. Right. But look at the different play here. You leaned in because I let go. So, like, I have my agenda. If I look just around the topic of sex and. Or we look at the way I was trying to raise Bailey, I was like, compelling force. Let's go. Fuck this. It's gonna work. And you're like, no, it's not gonna work. So I let go. You lean in inside of our relationship, too. Like, we went explosive in the last, like, four years. Like, the stuff we do. The stuff we do and operate as a couple. Like, I have to pinch myself at times to remind myself of who we used to be.

Yeah. I think that's what's the most impressive probably about us is we speak to couples, and our content's very relevant. But what's really cool is that we actually, when a lot of people maybe would have called it quits, we kind of had to redefine who we were as individuals and couples while letting go of all of our old stories about one another. And, yeah, we still get triggered. Right? We still get triggered about old.

Triggered on Saturday.

Yeah. Like, there's old stories. Like our last podcast, I was, like, triggered. Right. But the thing is, is we've evolved so much as humans, individually and together, that I feel like when I am triggered, it's almost like I tell myself, like, I'm like, I had a human moment, get back on track. And a lot of times the power is just getting back on track and not letting it spiral you in the other direction that you work so hard to get to here. Otherwise, you're just staying stagnant. Right. So the biggest thing I do, whether it's in work or in my relationship, is I'm like, I'm human. I fucked up. Get back on track. And there's so much to be said about consistency, and consistency does not mean perfection. It means progress.

Well, you are smashing it, that's for sure. Like, this game itself we've been into as a couple has been exhilarating, terrifying, death, gripping. And we're going through different seasons, too. Like, there's, like, this is opportunity. We're learning more and More the balance. And again, I'm letting go more and more in the house too. And you're just taking over my castle? Yeah, your castle. You run the castle. I just pay for it. And we just get to place. I'll buy the castle. You take care of the people on the inside of the castle. Make sure it works. This is, like, an interesting piece of it because we're sitting in a generation of society that continues to empower women to be men, continues to tell men that they should be more like a woman. We got people confused about their sexuality. I got a penis. I think I might be a dolphin. You're like, no, fucker, you got a penis, you're a man. You got a vagina, you're a woman. It's like there's so much gender confusion that's being propagated and used as propaganda to constantly in the media, and couples are falling the apart with these roles. But you don't seem to have a problem with being a powerful woman who also is very feminine, who also plays a role in our relationship.

But I think that for me, I love being a mom. I love being a wife. Like, I love all those things, but I really love what I do. I love building things. I love having, like, a purpose. I love having a craft. Like. And I think that a lot of times, for women at least, we might kind of say, oh, I should just be happy being a mom or doing just this. And for me, I love being a mom. And that doesn't take away from that. But I want more for myself, right? But I think a lot of times I was in a painful place where I felt like when I started my brand and my career, I. I was like, I don't the. I really felt like I was at rock bottom. And some people. Well, I'd say a lot of people that have great stories, they all start with a story they started somewhere. I don't know if I would have built what I did with business or become who I am today if I hadn't kind of hit that low in my life, right? Like, because I look at maybe women that are comfortable and they have money and their husband's producing, I'm like, there's no pressure. There's no pressure for you to bridge that gap. And for me, when I kind of went all in on myself on this crazy journey of figuring out who I am, fixing our marriage, building a brand, it was because I was like, I have nothing to fucking lose. I'm like, my. My. I have two kids. We have. We're in the hole. We don't just not have money. Like we're in the hole. Like our relationship was non existent. I'm like, I, I have an opportunity to live her or have an opportunity to start from scratch and build whatever, whatever my little heart desires. And it was very freeing. It was very freeing to lose it all and know that like I'm already pretty. I'm already feeling like we left our religion, my all of our friends turned on us. My, our families were like, what the hell are these guys doing? Like, I was like, I got nothing to lose. And so that's when I really kind of flipped gears and I was like, I was like, I'm going to do what I have to do and I'm going to tunnel vision. I don't care what anybody thinks about me. And in doing so, the person I became, I'm like, I will. I'm so glad I took that, that leap or I'm so glad that I just went for it, right? I, I could have, I could have divorced you and been like. And found another guy and married and I'm cute and young, probably could have done it, but I don't know if that would have. I, I know that wouldn't have created the woman I am today.

So the hard, the hard part is to create a relationship of dynamic expansion requires for you as a couple to be willing to collide and go to war. And most people either avoid war or when they do have war, the casualties are just so significant. There's no recovery, so there's no growth from it. So either avoid having war with their spouse or they don't know how to handle war and it becomes just the end. And you do that enough, you end up in a place of divorce, which is where we were going and then we chose this opposite path and now I see where we're at and it's like trying to explain to people, I'm like, listen man, this thing on the other side, if you can get it right, is un. Fucking believable as a couple.

But. And it's here. There's a lot of richness to our relationship where it's like, yeah, you could probably get divorced and marry a hot little whatever, 22 year old.

Oh my God, you just keep dropping the years. We had this conversation at date night.

Sorry, you could, you could date a hot little 28 year old.

Listen, I'm going to tell you right now, I, there is not like I've already come to terms anyways. Continue. There's no point to go down that Line.

My point was like, just saying, like, there's so much richness to our relationship. So if you can take that richness and you can figure it out, like, you're this whole nother level in your relationship. Whereas if you. You get married and get. Or if you get divorced and get remarried, that's fine, but it's going to take you longer to build that richness and then hope that you kind of get to that another level. And I was like, well, we already have, you know, we've already got something going on here. And honestly too, what kept me fighting too was it's not that I. In the beginning, when we were first dating, there was a lot of chemistry with us.

A lot.

There was a lot.

Soul chemistry. Soul level.

I mean, I don't know if I thought it was soul level or not.

It was soul level.

I was 19 when I met you, and everyone thought I was crazy because you're seven years older, you had a kid. And I just moved away to college. And they're like, you're dating this guy who's been divorced and has a kid? And I was like, we kept breaking up and I kept dating other guys, but there was just a lot of chemistry with us. And so when I think when things were crappy, I was like, ah, God, I know there's still that passion and there's that chemistry, but we've just created all these bad stories about one another and triggers about one another. So I kind of. That, like, kind of kept me afloat is like, how do we get back to there? You know, how do we get that passion back?

It's incredible. Like, I just. I mean, the fact that we can battle, the fact that we can argue the fact that we can go to war, the fact that I can get as angry as I do and you can get as angry as you do, and yet we still have figured out like the golden nugget to life as a couple, which is the ability to wage war for what we believe, or just to have our human moments and then to have the other person be like, listen, you can be a psychopath. You can do what you're gonna do. And just so you fucking know, I'm not going anywhere. So bring your heat and all your insanity. And I'm here.

And I will say too like, that for women, we want to feel like we can. We want to be able to. I think I had a hard time having collision with you because divorce was always on the table. And I kind of had to come to you and say, like, women Want. They want to feel safety and security, not just financially, but inside their relationship. You know what I mean? And I was like, I don't feel safe when you keep bringing up the divorce card, so I'm willing to work on this relationship. But you need to go all fucking in and not one foot in and one foot out. And I just needed a level of commitment where it's like, permission to argue and fight and have conflict. But know that that doesn't mean, like, the next day we're calling the lawyers. It's just like, hey, we had a fight. We committed to each other. So now we're gonna commit to having a tough conversation, right? And I think it just took me a long time to regain that trust, specifically with you. And then you kind of kept pushing me away. And finally when you were like, stop trying to push me away is when I think I started to shift and our relationship got good, which is probably. I remember it was back in, like, 17 or 16.

Probably after that, it was probably right around, like, 2018. It might have been 19 was like.

No, but there was finally this year, it was like, literally, we were at this point where we were considering having an open relationship. Like, I was like, if we're in that bad of a space, I don't think we should be married anymore. And I kind of got to this place where I just needed to feel some safety and some stability and. And a little bit of foundation where we could build more of a relationship. And that's. And that's when we. We were like, we're not going to do that. And then we started therapy, and then we. The next year, got our home in the Strand because we had been renting, and I was. And it was just all these little things that kept, for me, kept showing, like, he, like, kept showing me safety, kept showing me. So in turn, I was like, okay, I want to have conversations with you, even if it's a yelling Maxim match, okay, I want to be more vulnerable sexually with you. You know what I mean? It made me feel safe to show up in both, you know, in the bedroom and in conversation with you, because I felt more safe, because these little things that were happening in our life that were building a stronger foundation in our relationship.

It's not a lot to add to that. That was money. I'm gonna add one last little piece, and we'll wrap this show up. So check this out. We had one of my most popular Instagram posts. Of course, it's funny. Of, like, my top Instagram posts in the last, like, Three weeks. Like, out of the top five. Like, two of them are. Danielle, there's nothing to do with me. That's a great deal.

I love it.

This means I married a savage. Hold on. Here it is. Okay, so she says, this is really. This from one of our past shows. So here we go.

I don't know why this one took off so much. Guys love words of affirmation, whether they'll admit it or not. They want to be told they're the man at any given time in some way, form or shape or another. They just want to feel appreciated. And men aren't so simple in that way. But women also want to be appreciated too. But I think we're a lot more complex than men. It just cuts off at the most.

Random because it stopped. Well, it's because, you know, 40 seconds. True. Like, there was a piece on this. We both had to get to a place of appreciation with one another. You appreciating me physically and mentally and emotionally. Me appreciating you physically, mentally, and emotionally and allowing us to create a life that self that, like, I'll put us against any couple in the game. I don't give a fuck who you are, how big you are, what you've done. That's why I like people who are like, dude, I found my. My soulmate. I'm like, I'm super happy for you.

You know how the reps we do.

That's marriage number three for you. And I'm okay with it. I'm totally okay with it. And you're two years down the road. Talk to me. Talk to me in 20 years. Talk to me in two decades when you've lit this fire up. And it doesn't take away from the fact that there are couples who are new. I have tons of clients that are new in relationships, and I'm super happy for them. And I'm. No question they're in better relationships than they ever been in their whole lives because they've changed. But I'm like, there's kind of a reason why we're the fucking standard. And people, like, get upset with me at this. And even some of my close people around me, they're like, well, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, dude, I'm the number one fucking case study in living the warriors way, period. That's going to be the case forever until I fucking die. That means I'm going to push. We pushed for this. We pushed for this life. We pushed for this marriage. I pushed for this body. My wife pushed for her Body. We pushed for our children, we pushed for our money. We pushed for our business. We pushed for our connection with God. We pushed for unification with each other. And we were not willing to stop until we got it. And when we got it, we only came to recognize that there was even more available. And so God said, do you want to go again? And we said, fuck it, let's go again.

I also think, too, there's this place where it's like, we've. We've built this up so far that it's like nothing. Like, we can have an argument or whatever, but it's like, we've done so much work to get here that that little argument is so insignificant now. Right. Whereas it might have been. Yes. Compared to what? And so that's what I really think, that what keeps us together is what we've built up together, both individually and as a couple. It's like, yeah, we can have arguments, but it's not gonna ruin us because we've put in the work, we've done the work. Right? It doesn't mean we're not human. And that shit doesn't happen. A perfect marriage doesn't even exist. People. Couples are always gonna fight, right?

Always. You know, it's funny, People tell me, I'll wrap this up on this thought. People tell me, yeah, my wife and I, we never fight. And I was like, cool. That means one of you had chosen to unplug from life. Like, no, no, no, no. We just, like, we get along. I was like, you do? That means that neither one of you has been growing because the minute one person grows, it will tr. And that person now is going to be led uncomfortable because you're going to have to move and shift because you're connected to them as your partner. So the fact that you tell me, oh, we have an argument. Fuck you. That's like, bullshit. It means that your marriage itself is watered down. Now, does that mean that how you define fighting? I'm talking about collision on difficult conversations. Because human nature is to not grow. Divine soul nature is to expand. Human nature is to contract like gravity and compress and constrict and completely confuse us for what the purpose of this life is. We were put here to grow. And when you can find a partner who helps your soul find its way in the deepest and most profound ways, well, that's a keeper. That's one you should have in your world. That's what I got here to my left, bundled up like an Eskimo, like, we're going to Park City, Utah already to ski and thank you for being here in the show. I got to run and go do handle a few other things too. You're amazing. And you know, if you want to follow Danielle on our fans only page. Oh, it's so creepy. All right, we're out of here. It's not a fans only page. Thank goodness. DKW styling can follow Danielle Danielle K. White on Instagram or Gary J. White on Instagram. We always got fun going up there. Also, if you are looking down the path of what we do here at Wake Up Warrior, you can check us out@wakeupwarrior.com we have opportunity to give you free books we'll ship to your door as well as our Warrior launch program onboarding you into the art and science of having it all a game. Here we've not only figured out but we've mastered and tens of thousands minute figured it out. You might be the next one. Check that out. Wakeupwarrior.com for those also interested in the hair industry, we run game inside of DKWStyling.com and our entire thousands of hairstylists who have trained with Danielle, myself NBR.

Education to find out more about natural be to real hair extensions.

There you go. We're out of here. We had sex four times in the last five days. Actually five times. You know what? We double troubled.

That means we need to end this.

Because every guy wants to know our sex stats. That's it. We did five. We went five for five. We were down on a day. We got up to bat twice in one day. It was five for five. We're done it. We'll see you guys later. Ciao, Ribadechi. Say you're not.