Marriage, Money & Intimacy: The Honest Truth About Staying Together Through It All

Hello and welcome to another episode of the date your Wife podcast here in Miami. We do not have guests today. We've had a lot of, like, back to back guests. But when we started this podcast, it was just Garrett and I really working out our shit online with you guys, and people liked it, so we decided to keep going. We always say we're not marriage counselors by any means, but we do. We have been married for 20. How many years?

22 years.

22 years next week. And we do have five kids and two dogs together. And we have built two businesses together and separately. So, you know, we're doing it real time and we try to talk about real life topics that other couples might be going through or, like, what we're going through. So what's our topic for today?

So we had two things. Two things we're going to run down. We'll do the second one here after we do the first one, obviously in that order. So today is an example of our life.

Yeah.

So you wake up, you're not feeling so good. We coordinate the kids, first day of school, take the girls to school. We have the plan. The day is set out, then we get a phone call from school. The little one's got a temperature of 100. You're trying to decide if you're gonna go get her. I'm trying to decide if I'll get her. I'm in business meetings. You've got commitments. We both go back and forth, and we finally come to exchange. I decide to go get her. I bring her home. We skip our podcast because there's supposed to be another guest coming for your podcast. Fifteen minutes into the start of your podcast supposed to start, he's not showing up. So then we audible to now do this show. It's like our whole life is one giant audible 24 7.

I mean, it was an. It was an interesting morning. Like, I. But I woke up kind of feeling off, and it was like one of those days where I'm like, wonder where today's gonna go. And then it was just, I could. A lot of times I'll wake up and if I don't feel good, I immediately am like, okay, I'm gonna cancel this and do this. And I don't do that as much anymore. I'm like, like, let me see. Let me see how I feel in like an hour or whatever. And I kind of go into my day of like, I don't know where the day's gonna go, and I'm just gonna have to go with it because if you fight it. Then you're just stressed for no reason.

So this is not a normal skill. A lot of people actually get so rooted in going to a place. This is how it's supposed to be. The way I describe it is this. I describe it to my guys in Warrior because this is how it's operated for me, which is there's a truth inside of you that says, I need to go to point B. I'm at point A, I need to go to point B. And you get very convicted. To point B is my destination. That is the promised land. That's where I must go. And then you go full commitment, Abrahamic style, commitment, Old Testament. I'm gonna sacrifice my son to the altar. There's no fake in it. It's like, I'm going to be. You tell the world around you you're going to be. You tell your teams you're going to be. You tell your wife or husband going to be. And as you're getting down the path to be about halfway, three quarters away, sometimes almost all the way there, a new path opens up called six C and Cs off to the left somewhere. You couldn't CC from point A and if you had been asked to go to C, it would have seemed impossible. But it was the progress towards B that set up the ability to even see and pursue C. I think that.

Sometimes you like miss a turn, like you'll have like this like nudge or this intuitive feeling like, I need to go here. So you listen to it and you're like, okay, I've got, I've got the feeling, I've got the knowing I'm going to go this way. And then all of a sudden, like you hit a speed bump and you're like, was I supposed to, was, was that. Am I supposed to do this? Was I not supposed to do this? And so then you kind of like fight it and you keep trying to pursue because you're like, no, I had a feeling, I had a knowing that this was so. But you were supposed to see the bump in order to take a turn, right? So sometimes the path's not always straight and that's why you have to be like accepting to whatever like you're supposed to be doing, but open to course correcting along the way. Because that's in my experience in life when you fight it, that you're like, we weren't ever supposed to go abcd. Like, maybe you're supposed to take a right. You're not. It's not a. It's not the calling isn't a straight path.

So I was at the gym this morning, and we had one of our guys show up that a client of ours, and I hadn't met him before. He'd just been in our program. He coached one of my coaches, and we were chatting, and I got to meet him and get to know him a little bit during leg day, which is a great day to work out together. And I asked him, I said, so, how'd you find launch? And he was explaining his situation and the darkness that he was in when he found Warrior launch and why he got joined the program. And then I found out he was going through an active divorce, which should be wrapped up in the next two months. He have three kids.

Oh, he's at the gym and he goes to one of your programs?

No, he. He came in town, so he's from out of town. He came in town to be in a coaching session with one of my coaches all day, but got to hang out with us in the morning, so. So I look at him, and I. And here's a guy been married 14 years. They have three kids, and they're getting divorced. And then you have other couples like us. We could have chosen divorce. Like, I think many times you and I both gotten to terms on this. I mean, I don't think the first time you ever language it to me, we were considering in 2016 being done, and we tried this on in a big way. I published a bunch of our text exchanges inside the Stackbook, which has been deeply inspiring to so many men and women, because everybody thinks that this thing is just some smooth, glassy place to the promised land of marriage, which it's not. And there was a decision that we had to make. We could have easily been done in 2016 for Via Korska. That was like the big moment. We went to date with Destiny. We started going to therapy. We started having different experiences. What had you then choose in when in all reality, it would have been much easier in that moment to say, no, I'm out. I'm young. This was like, almost 10 years ago. I mean, you would have been 34, 30, 33. Young, in your 30s. Hair brand was growing. What was the thing for you that had you? Because with world of people getting divorced around us, I'm now. People are now asking the question, like.

Back in, like, 2016, 16.

What was the thing back then that had you say, no, I'm gonna keep playing?

I think, well, let's back up even further then, because it was back in. In. When did we lose everything.

2008, 9.

So it was like, 2008, 9 that I realized how disconnected our relationship was. But I had just had my second daughter with you. So at that time, I didn't leave because I didn't believe, number one in myself. I had just had my second baby. So I was in a very vulnerable space. And I was like, well, I have two kids, so I should probably try to at least work this out for the kids. You know, I just think that if you're in that situation, you do have kids. If you can work it out, like, I think it's important. If you can't work it out and you're like, this is toxic. It's not going to work, turn the corner, then fine. Then at least you put an effort, knowing, like, hey, I give it. We did therapy. We did all the things. So for me, I felt like I had moments of where it was getting better, where we were at least having conversations, where we were at least, you know, going on the date nights. And so it seemed like it was like we. It wasn't always crappy, you know, so in 2016, it was just like, almost. I think in relationships, what happens is you get to this place where you're like, oh, like, we're good. And then you crave another space of growth inside of your relationship, and so then it can get rocky again. And that's the same with business. Like, your business, you don't just set it up and it coasts for you. Like, you're gonna have periods. You're like, I have to let go half my team and rebuild. And I think that in marriage, it's the same thing. And so a lot of people don't consider that, like a business, a marriage is the same thing because of how you're growing together. So we were in a really crappy place, but then things got better. But then we both wanted to get to an even better space. So that's why I'd say in 2016, it's all of a sudden this crossroads comes again, where you're like, hey, are we choosing to do this again? And I would say, powerful relationships, that's reinventing your marriage. Like, every five to seven years is probably just a part of the process. And people don't understand that in marri. And so they say, well, we hit this tipping point again. And I've done this five times with you now. So now I'm out. And it's like, well, then you're saying you're done growing and expanding as a couple. So that's kind of like in 2016, I think we just hit another wall of ready to take our relationship to the next level. And so that's what had me stay then. And I think we've had multiple times of that.

Well, 2016 was interesting to go back because it was a topic which I'm understanding inside of the game at that time. Our friction point was around sex and intimacy. That was like the 2016 friction point. And there was a secondary friction point which was stability financially, which was production. So both of these sit kind of under this desire for stability in production, sex and intimacy with us and the conversation of money. Because we had been renting for, I don't know, a number of years at that point since we'd lost everything. And one of the things you had been asking for was a home that you could make your own. And I continued to jump as every two years to a new rental. Increasing, increasing, which was a strategy for me. I think I needed the physical change environment. So we kind of sat at a crossroads or two things because what you were asking for was a house and you were asking for stability and more time. And I was asking for more sex and more intimacy and for it to be normal, natural. So we had these two topic points which. Do you think there's any couple that doesn't deal with these? No, no, all deal with it. And 100% of my guys deal with it, which is the topic of sex and the topic of money, which is how do you. How do you bring stability to these two? So we made it through that. We move into our home in three oceanfront and things are amazing Covid hits. We move into nine ocean front and there was a shift because it was no longer sex, because we were having sex and you were finding yourself sexually in a deep way with me. And I was finding high levels of performance in production, which was making more money. So now we had the 20 million dollar house, we had the $500,000 cars, we had all the stability things financially. We're going on the trips, we're going on the travel, we're having sex, we're having passionate sex. You're unleashing a sexual side of you I'd never seen before. You're finding yourself. You're being courageous in that area. I'm being courageous in pushing in production. You're pushing in production. And then we hit another choke point which wasn't about production anymore. And that was like almost three years ago, which was probably the scariest time for me where I felt like. I literally felt like I lost you. Like, it was over, but it was different this time. It was like a different ask. It wasn't money, wasn't house, wasn't the things I couldn't claim. We weren't having sex because we were frequent and often passionate. So it wasn't even those things anymore. So the cycle you're talking about hit us again. And the cycle you were asking for at that time was what?

I think it was connection. But I also think that connection comes with not just sex, but women feeling safe and open. And what I'm realizing as I talk to you and hear more guys talk is they men actually want to feel safe to talk. So I think in a relationship, both people feel like they're not being seen or heard at the same time. They're not willing to share. And so I think that we were lacking a level of intimacy in some way. But I also think too, like, you can't. You can't force it, but you have to work on it. Meaning, like, people think you get married and it just should be natural. And it should be natural at some level. You shouldn't have to force it. But you also. There's a difference between forcing it and working on it. You can't force connect in connection, but you can create intimacy through setting it up. Like through whatever it is for you. Communication. Date nights, lunch dates, whatever. Whatever intimacy looks like for you. Because at the end of the day, like, if the woman doesn't feel safe or connected, she might have sex with a guy, but she's not. It's not intimacy for her.

There's no soul in it.

No, I mean, it still could be fun.

Well, sure. It's very physical. And it can be passion.

Still not get into it and still be like, hey, I'm glad. I'm fine to do this for my guy. I don't really care. But you don't. It's different than when you're like, oh, I feel like he really saw me today. He, like, poured into me. But it's interesting too, because it can't be like a checklist. It can't be forced. It can't be like, well, I. I showed up all day for you and I bought you those shoes and I went all in with the kids. And it's like, yeah, you did all the. The things that by checklist should now say intimacy should be open. But maybe we didn't really sit down and have, like, great conversations or whatever it looked like. So I just think. I don't remember what you just asked me, but.

Well, I was. If I go back to what you're asking for was presence. Like, you were asking for presence. Like, I was performing and you were performing.

I think I was looking for like you had.

You and I had become, three years ago, elite performers for each other. You figured out how to perform sexually, and you did an amazing job at it. You figured out how to perform as a mom. You figured out how to perform as a partner. You figured out how to perform as a support in warrior to me. You figured out how to perform the game with me, and I figured out how to perform, too. Buying the jewelry, take international trips every three, four months, overnight staycations, double date nights every week. But there was still a piece that was missing, and our performance was starting to crack.

I don't think it's a problem to perform. To me, I think of, like, that shouldn't be all what you do, but I think of when you say perform, I'm like, well, your love language might not be mine.

Sure.

So you might have to perform to meet me at my love language for sure.

Right. So what an example in this one is words. Right? Words. The words of affirmation actually land for you.

Yeah, I mean, I don't feel like I need them, but I. If somebody goes out of their way to, like, notice something that I am working on or did, I'm like, oh, thank you for, like, acknowledgement, I guess.

Well, we actually talk about this in the car this morning.

Well, that. Yeah, because I was saying, like, here's. Here's the crazy thing is, like, crazy.

Tell them what we just go through, what we talk about in the car. Because it's true for every single.

I hear, like, men all the time. They're like, I want to be respected and appreciated by my wife. They. They need those words. I'm realizing that men want and crave those words. And if they get those words or attention from any other woman, they'll want an even more from their wife. They're like, wow. I. This is what I want. But the crazy thing is, like, I was bringing up a point this morning in the car because I was like, listen, you tell me I'm hot all the time, like, almost every day. Like, right before this podcast, you're like, you look stunning. You look powerful. You look beautiful. You'll. You'll tell me nice things like that all the time. And I'm like, thanks. You know, like, I don't hear the same as, like, say, I'm. I was like, if I'm at the gym and I'm busting my ass every morning. And a guy comes up to me and he's like, wow, like, you're, you're like the most impressive person in this gym. Great job. Like, I'm like, which happens. Yeah, which happens to me frequently. And I'm like, oh, I'm noticed. Thank you. Right. And it just, it lands differently.

Talk about that.

It just all of a sudden. Well, I was trying to bring up the point where when I can't. You were like saying, you know, I, I, why is it hard for you to give me words? And I'm like, I feel like I do give you more words than you give me credit for, but maybe you just don't hear them the same. Just like I don't hear when you're like, hey, babe, you look beautiful. I'm like, yeah, I know. I like, I like when you tell me that. I'm like, yeah, I know this is a hot jumpsuit. Of course I, you know, but it lands differently when it comes from somebody else because you expect your or your partner sees you all the time. So I don't know if it's that you just don't notice the little things as much anymore. And like a random stranger, you're like, oh, other people see me too. Like, it just, I don't know how to describe it other than it lands differently.

It completely lands it.

But you can't let it, like, up your relationship.

Well, this is the challenge though, so.

Because I would.

Look what happens, look what happens to social media, right? So a guy can tell his girl. And it, it typically goes this way. And guys are doing what they want to receive. And it's an interesting dilemma because a lot of women, including you, at times, don't understand the power of it. If you imagine there's a reservoir in a man, and that reservoir has sexuality in it, and that reservoir has intimacy, respect, and words in it. There's not a man on the planet that doesn't have those two tanks. The feeling wanted and desired sexually and the feeling of a woman speaking prophecy and truth over that man's power. Acknowledging his power, acknowledging who he is, acknowledging what he does. Those two things drive in man world. It's the same way a dude in man world gets status by his wife. He also gets status by men's words to him about his power. So when those two things are missing in man world at all, if he does not feel status or connected to his woman, and that's not a status piece for him in man world, I'm talking lower level man world and he's not feeling respected by men. He feels weak. These are reservoirs. They go dry. So in marriage, if it's not received or if it's not given that reservoir in man, you can talk about it from a female perspective, but in men, it starts to go down. So even if sex is happening, if the words aren't happening consistently and done in creative ways that speak to the truth and the power and the effort of this man, it goes down. So the minute he's outside, at the gym, at the mall, at an event, speaking somewhere, doing something, and a woman who is beautiful, who is powerful, who is open, comes up to this man and speaks these truths into his world, which is trouble, I think, for guys that are on stage, pastors, big speakers, entrepreneurs, because there's all this power is pointed to them as speakers. Big on social media, all this power is pointed. So the contrast of receiving, that is different because this is just pure share with no attachment. No different than a guy speaking to you or guy speaking to you at the grocery store a few weeks ago. Pure unattachment to you don't know him. He doesn't know you.

Appreciate the words from other people and then not come back to your significant other and be like, I wish you saw me like that. Because is it possible for them to see you? Like a total stranger who's seen you for the first time? When I. When I see you daily. Right.

I believe you can.

I think.

I think it's exposure. Like if you see something. For example, social media does this. If you got two choices, like as a guy or girl. If you have the feels and a guy makes a comment to you. That's why, like, you told me about a guy at the gym recently. I'm like, of course you're gorgeous. He didn't see a ring. He doesn't know any different. He's been building up the courage to talk to you for the last couple weeks. Of course he wants to talk to you. I would think he was ridiculous if he didn't. The fact that he made the effort, I was. I get it. To me, that's not a downplay to me. I know there's feelings you'll get from that exchange that you might not feel from me because I'm with you every day, saying it every day, speaking every day.

There really was no feelings that particular.

I'm not talking about sexual feelings.

No. It's just. But you ask, like, do you like when people acknowledge you? And I'm like, yeah, sometimes I do. I think that I get so stuck in like my zone and working so hard. I don't even. I don't even appreciate my own work. So it's nice when somebody else is like, good job. And you're like, oh, yeah, this just is like the standard for me. But like, thank you for noticing, I guess.

Yeah. Well, we'll have guys like, if so if you look at this, if I see a. We've been training our guys and myself on this forever. If you see a beautiful woman and she triggers you sexually. For most guys who love their wives, the first thought is, she's hot. And I want to sexually connect with my wife. That's the natural thought. If the come home is no sexual connection with the wife and the triggers keep happening because they will all day on social media out in the world, if there's no outlet for this. This man is trapped because he's being stimulated. He wants to point over here to the point that we've had guys put. Get naked pictures of their wives, put them on their phones. We've had them put the picture of their wife on the phone. We've had guys, like, even down the path of stop masturbating to porn, masturbate to your wife.

They can focus on their wife.

Yes. To train their brains to say, anytime I'm sexually triggered, I'm going to think about my wife. How do I do that? Put sexy picture my wife on my phone. My screensaver. Maybe not my screensaver. So everybody doesn't see it. And then I'm like looking at it. So anytime you feel triggered, you immediately train your brain. Go to a naked picture of your wife. Go to a hot picture of your wife. Go to. Go to your wife. So the brain gets trained. Hey, when I'm triggered, I go to my wife. But that's a challenge. If a guy comes home and it's very infrequent, or the woman's duty booty, or she won't. She doesn't get into. Or it's not matter. So now he doesn't have anywhere to pour that energy. So where do they typically pour it? Either an affair or that's not most of them. They just pour into business. So then they work more, which of course creates a bigger fracture. Same thing happens with the words, though. If the words don't come and the man outside is getting praised by everyone, clients, teams, strategic partners, women, men speaking to the power of who that man is. But then he comes home to no words or minimal words in comparison to the words he gets from the world. All day, he starts dying because in the end, he doesn't really care about those words. The one place he wants to hear it is where he typically is starved for it. So you starve a man sexually and you starve him emotionally from words, and you put this guy into starvation. Starved men will either do one of two things, sedate or eat. And if there's no food here, they'll go eat somewhere else. And that was a story of the guy literally eat or literally go have sex with another woman.

I thought you meant like become a foodie.

I mean, if there's no food here at the house, they're going to go somewhere to go eat it. They're going to uber eats that in. They'll go pay for food. So you watch, because I'm trying to figure out behind all these divorces that are happening, what is the situation.

So I think the woman probably feels unappreciated too. So, like, she might be the problem. The problem, not the problem. But the thing nowadays. I was like made, I made a post on my social media the other day is I was like, the modern woman is like different because it's like, you can't just be the stay at home mom. You have to have passion and purpose, but not too much passion and purpose. You want to make money, but not too much money. You want to spend time with your kids, but be independent. You want like you. It's like, like you women put a lot of pressure on themselves to do all of these roles. Whereas it used to traditionally be like one or the other, or you're either a working mom or a stay at home mom. And now women are like, I want to do it all. And I get it. Like, because I'm like, I genuinely love my kids. Could I be full time stay at home mom? No. Like, like, as much as I love my kids, I need something that is that for me, you know, like something beyond my kids that is, is passion and purpose and creativity and those things. So I'm like, I have to learn how to equally put time in those areas. And I don't. It's. I think it's hard because men, they're just like, work, come home. Like, and women were constantly in this juggle in this battle of like, I should be doing more. And you're like, but I'm also being a mom and all these things. And so, you know, thinking back to women might feel unappreciated, might feel like they're doing all the roles. So they're like, you're working. So am I working. Plus I'm Covering half the kids or whatever it is. So the guy might come home feeling like he wants to be cheerleaded. And whether she's a working mom, stay at home mom, kind of doing both, like me, she might feel the same way he does where she's like, all I want when you come through the door is to acknowledge the clean house and maybe that your laundry got folded for the day or just check in and say, how did your podcast go? You know? So I think it kind of goes both ways that we just expect our significant other to be like, all about each other.

So talk about it from that struggle as a woman, because this is a new insertion. The last 50 years, which is the rise of feminism, which has brought that desire for women to have it all in a different way. And they declaim that being a mom is not having it all, being a wife is not having it all. That is the loser path, and the only path of the modern woman is to be the wife, be the mother, and be the producer and the influencer and all the things. How has that created extra anxiety? Because anxiety medication's through the roof. Anxiety and depression of women through the roof. It's not that. It's not with men. Men have a much higher suicide rate than women do.

I think it's. It's like, even for me, I'm like, why? Why can't I. Maybe I should just be a full time stay at home mom. And I don't know if I'm built for that.

I don't. I know you're not built for that.

But I like it. And I love my kids, but I really enjoy, like, even if it wasn't something where I made money, sure, I started my brand because we needed money and that became very fulfilling for me. But even now, like, say I was like, I don't care if I make money. I still need something to. Where it fuels me. Yeah, like it gives me passion and purpose. And not only that, I realized for me, whether, whether I'm making money or not, I feel that, that passion when I'm giving back in some way, shape or form. So that's for me, like when I, when I'm like educating and doing that, it feels like I'm helping somebody else better their life. And I think, I think that's part of the game here. So if you're just not just, but if, like, I'm only with my kids and I can't give back to the world, I think that's a piece in this game that we're supposed to experience as women.

So like it's created, it's created a tremendous amount of stress on women.

But that's what I'm saying. Like, I'm not saying you necessarily have to be this big entrepreneur. I just know that you have that we're supposed to be, we're supposed to help other people grow through our experiences. However, that looks like giving back to other people. Because when you do that, I grow. When I teach and mentor people, I grow.

Yeah.

And so I think that it's been roped into this feminist thing, thing that you have to be this ultra producer. And like I said, I did it out of necessity. And I was like, wow, that's very powerful. But what's more power, powerful for me is having something where I feel like I'm making a difference.

Yeah. So here's a question that came up last week in our Savage Call. So this is my top guys in the program and high performing guys, they tend to make money, they tend to be fit. They're doing the date nights, they're taking the trips, they're practicing the warriors way in their world with their wives. So these are not normal guys. These are guys that are. They're doing the things, they're sending the messages to their wife, they're sending messages to their kids, they're going on date nights with their children. They're taking their wives on trips. They're getting her out of mom mode and out of producer mode. They're supporting her in her business or encouraging her to launch a podcast or like they're doing these things by the spades. Right. So question came up last week. Maybe you can help me with. Because the common game is. Because our game is contributing deposits into people's lives. Not just your wife and your kids, but others that are one directional deposits, either through a text, a video and audio, where you send a message that's real about love, appreciation and honor that you see in that person. I've sent them to my bankers, attorneys, realtors, managers at hotels, valet people send them to you. I send them to kids. I send them every. And they make me feel amazing. And the response is amazing most of the time from people, even though you're not looking for a response. So the guys are doing this too. So the question came up, help me with this. Because this seems to be a common problem amidst high producing, high performing warrior men who are doing everything they know possible to add value to their wife. And here was the question, Garrett, why is it that my wife, who runs an online business has all the time in the world to write ads, marketing, do sponsored posts, comment on her feeds, be on her cell phone for six to seven hours a day doing her business, but can't seem to ever send me a message of appreciation. Like, how can she be on her phone that much messaging and performing for people that don't matter but me or husband, who's created this amazing life with her, built this empire with her, which, again, this became a group, dynamic conversation with about 25 guys. And I said, that's a great question. Let me ask my wife. So what do you think? Why is it? Because you were the one that said business and marriage should be treated the same. So if your husband was your client and you have your prospects in hair, how should a woman show up in marketing to her husband? The same way she would market her product.

How should she show up?

Yeah, how? If. If the marketing is important in business, how does that translate to marketing with your husband?

I think if. If there's two things, okay, because there's. The guys might be. They're like, coach, I'm sending her a text message of appreciation. And she's like, that's not what I want. She's like, I'm lacking actual presence.

You're answering the wrong question. Answer the right question. Which is not that. That's the wrong question. That's a different question. We can look at that one in a second.

I am answering the question. You gotta listen. Okay. Okay, So I had context.

Okay, got it.

So she doesn't care because about getting him, she does not care to send him a text message, even though she has time and could create space.

Why does she not care?

Because obviously there's something in her needs that are not being met. Whether it's he's showing up present, maybe she likes acts of service and she wants him to come home and do the dishes. I don't know. Whatever it is, her needs are not being met. So she doesn't feel that she needs to meet his needs. And I think in a relationship, we try to communicate with our own love languages and wonder why the person is not responding. So if I were to answer that question, I would say, what is it? Like, don't say, well, I'm doing this for you, so you should do it back. Don't say, I'm doing. I'm. I'm busy. And I'm sending you these appreciation texts. Maybe she doesn't want those.

What if he asks for them and she still doesn't? And he. And she knows that's his love language, and he asks for Them and she doesn't. She still doesn't do it. And then she's asking for things from him and he's willing to show up in those areas. This is a fundamental problem for our guys.

Is she clear with what is important to her?

She's given a list and he's continually finding ways to serve her in those ways.

Maybe she has past traumas, doesn't care.

It could be. But this is a real question. This isn't like just us situation. This is a real question coming up with my guys right now that we're trying to find the answer. It's such an easy game. And if, you know, that's what your husband and I told you, there's these two tanks.

Here's what I'll tell you, though. You know how they always say, like, women are really complicated and men are just, like, super simple? I actually think men are as complicated as women. Like, because you'll say, no, I just want these. These texts, like every day. I think. I think both people want the same thing, which is presence, connection, and intimacy.

But what if. How to get there, Bridge to it.

Well, that's what I'm saying. It doesn't necessarily mean, like. So you could say if you wrote me an appreciation paragraph every single day, then we'd be good. I'd be fulfilled.

But what if.

Hold on, hold on. But then if I was kind of like, cold and not huggy with you and not intimate, not cuddly and not doing the date nights, didn't take care of myself like all these other little things. But I sent you, you know, the paragraph or the text of appreciation. If there's lack of connection, if we don't, like, actually go out and talk or have these moments where we can just look at each other's eyes and we're like, oh, my God, you're my person. If you don't have that, the checklist shit doesn't matter.

But what if you do have it?

The to do list stuff doesn't matter.

But what if. But what if you do have it?

If you do have. What?

What if you do have those things and she still doesn't? Is it just defiance? Is it control? Is it a manipulation? Like, look at this from just a tactical place. She's on her phone all day sending messages to the world, broadcasting, marketing, messages to everyone. Most of the people don't matter. They're never going to buy from her, but they like her posts. They comment, they dm. She gets the attention. The man who she's with is asking her to do something and she is defiantly not doing it.

I really. We're only hearing one side of the story.

But I'm asking you, from this situation, we don't need any more context. Why would the woman not do it?

I just thought she's not feeling, she's not feeling her needs are met.

So what need could. What. Why when you don't send them at times, what are the needs that you feel like you're not getting fulfilled? Like, if you let's make it about you and me, then so it's very specific. So if you don't send them to me and I ask for them, what am I not showing up as that has you choose to use that as a path to not send me messages?

I don't know. I feel like when I send you messages, they're just like short and sweet.

But think about this. On a daily basis, you post on social media a daily basis. You comment when, go back and forth with your teams. You're working on a business every day. You're working on your brand every day. If it was as simple as work on the business of your husband every day with a message, why is that so difficult for you and so many other women? Do you think just talk from your perspective?

I think I hear what you're saying, but I also, I'm going to go back to when you're with somebody every day, I don't think you see the little things. So it could not come across in a text, but it could be like, me being like, hey, how's. What's up with Midda? Like that, like, this is so cool. Like me being inquisitive and like wondering is like, I want to know more about you and give you validation of like, wow, I'm so impressed that you put that together so quickly. That's so cool. I'm so excited for you.

What if all that was said in a text during the day when he's grinding and building and working?

I don't think it makes me think, like, then is he not seeing the other things?

But why do you think, why is.

He always chasing the something, the one thing that. And he's not. Maybe he's not seeing what's true. In fact, just recently you've been like, very good. Like, like you've been like, oh, I can finally like see you. And I'm like, finally, like at a new level. I was like, just like our whole life. And now you can finally at a new level.

At a new level.

That's sad.

It's not That I see you, I've never seen you. It's. I'm seeing a new level. You're the one that even said on today's show, every marriage goes through a cycle of regrowth and they want more. Why? For one reason. Because they want more. Right? So on this one subject, there's.

But on this one subject, there's. There's forced connection and there's doing work. There's like, it could be like, natural and it could be, like forced.

A lot of stuff that men do for their wives is not natural.

It's not natural.

No. They have to train themselves to operate that way because they're men. Like the idea of sitting and not solving problems, this is not natural for men. Yet women are asking men to sit and listen like a woman. No asking to listen like a woman. Stop trying to solve my problems. Guys solve problems all day. So they come home and this is where they fuck up in marriage a ton is because they come home and the wife doesn't actually want to have a problem solved. She wants to share. This is not fucking man world. If a dude showed up in front of you and starts sharing his problems, immediately the whole group is like, all right, dude, we hear you, okay? Shut the fuck up. Here's what you're gonna do.

We feel like you're not supporting.

So that's my. That's not natural for a man to do. But men are fighting to do it. Even though everything in the fabric of their being wants to just go, there's a nail in your forehead. Take it out.

Well, why? Why can't guys just appreciate duty Booty.

Then you quit switching the topic. Stay on.

I'm being, I'm being serious.

But stay on the top.

Girls don't it, like, why? That's like asking, like, why don't you want to have sex with me every day? It's like girls just not all, but look.

But sex and sex and sending a message every day are totally different. If I was coming home every day, or a man was coming home every day and saying, listen, I. I want to fuck every day. Now, the truth is, guys do. Most dudes want to fuck every day. Particularly high producing, high performing men want to have sex. Sex energy is involved in everything they do. Again, remember two tanks. Tank is sexuality. Tanks of power, respect and positioning of words. These two things matter to men. They're tanks. And if they start to go down, the men starts to starve. He starts to go, what the hell's going on? Why? Because you're asking me like how, how can a man outside make a comment to a woman? Or how can a social media engagement with a person give them so much validation when their spouse is giving it to.

It's like, I think maybe that's up relationships a little bit.

I'm sure it is. Because if you can, like, think about this. If we get in a fight and I, I, I don't do, it doesn't work the same way for guys. It works this way for women, though. If a woman doesn't feel seen and heard, she now has social media to go feel seen and heard, which means she can actually release the dopamine of feeling seen and heard with social media every day. Not the same. Really not the same. Because girls want to be seen, but they want to be sexual, etc. If I'm a gay man and I'm doing it, it's different. When I'm a guy and doing it, yes, you can get tension, but it's man attention. It's not the same. Women, when they post, get female attention and male attention way more than guys do. Guys will get male attention. Women post to get men and women attention. I mean, I watch even on your post, tons of guys I know, like, heart follow your stories are on it. You're getting masculine attention all the time online. Me, go check my DMs. Go check everything. Most of my followers are dudes.

I gotta be honest, I, I don't feel like I care that much about social media. Like, I post more because it's like a pattern for me. And every once in a while I'm like, oh, that's a pretty photo. Like, I'm gonna. And it feels nice to be, like, validated or whatever, but most the time, like, I don't know if it's because I'm more introverted. I'm like, kind of annoyed that it's, that it's there. Like, I, I don't think I need as much validation.

I'm sure, yeah, I'm certain you don't. I, I'm certain, you know, a lot of women do, and I'm certain that's true for you. So come back to the one top.

Because there's a lot of things I'm like, oh, I should be like. Even when I tried to do, like, my fitness page for a minute or like, I love fashion and clothes and I get to this point, like, where I'll follow other influencers and I'm like, I just, you don't, I don't know if you're making any money off this So I just think you're doing it for attention.

For sure.

I'm like, in fact, well, most of them, I'm like, I personally know when you were.

When you were going through your fitness journey, you were definitely looking for some attention. I mean, you worked hard on your body.

Proud of myself. Like, I was like, wow.

Which is attention.

Yeah. But then I kind of got over it. I was like, I don't like you. How you're like, I'm tired of performing. Like, I kind of got to this place where people wanted me to create some kind of fitness program and sell it. And I was like, it's not my calling, and I'm proud of myself. So sometimes I'll post random things, but I don't, like, I don't care. I don't want. In fact, I kind of got this place from, like, I don't want that kind of attention. Like, I'm married, I have kids. Like, I don't know if I want that kind of attention. But it's like a balance, right? Because it's like, I am 42 and I do work my ass off, and I am proud that I get in the gym every day. And I don't think that it's a problem to showcase that as part of my lifestyle. And attention comes with it. But I don't. I don't necessarily feel like I need a ton of validation. So it's not like I'm on my phone all day looking for validation or somebody. That for sure.

Well, what's the difference between validation and attention to you? Like, being validated, which I agree. I don't. You're one of the most powerful women I know in not needing people to validate your decisions, your path, me or anybody. If you decide something, you're doing it because you don't need validation in it. Attention. What's the difference between the two? Getting attention versus validation?

Validation to me would be like, somebody like, job well done. Like, attention is just like, I see you. Yeah. I don't know. Attention. I don't know how to answer that question.

I think attention probably falls into the line of feeling seen. Because a lot of women, like, women.

Who have cheated on, usually don't like attention. Like, I kid you not like, I give off a solid off vibe. Most places I go, I feel uncomfortable. It's like, I don't like that kind of attention. Like, it's very uncomfortable for me.

Why is that?

I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I should be more open to it. Like, maybe I like. And there's part There's a piece of me, like, even when I relaunch my podcast, I'm like, I need to stop. I need to. I need to share more of me with the world. Like, why am I so closed off? But it's. It's kind of a balance because I feel like I'm. It's. I don't know how to describe this, but, like, when I connect with somebody and I open up, I'm very authentic and I'm very big. So I, like. I'm like, I'll just give you all the love. And that takes me over in my business a lot of times because I'm like, I won't connect with. With somebody. And then it's like, the minute I connect, I'm like.

Like, yeah, you've been betrayed. You've been.

I've been betrayed, like, a lot. So I. I'm very. I think I'm very guarded in a sense where, like, just with my energy, because I. I want to show it. But then I'm like, do you think.

It'S possible to be guarded in the world but unguarded at home, or do you believe that if you become habitually guarded in the world, it. That guardedness comes home?

Oh, I'm sure it affects a lot of me. Like, I'm sure it affects me. Well, and every things that have happened with me and you, like, it's. For women, it's all about safety. Right. So I'm sure it's affected me and our relationship, even, like, when we work together. And then all of a sudden, I'm, like, guarded because of situations happen there or it. It's just, I have. I'm sure everybody has these little, like, scars where you're like, okay, that's why I'm now operating in this space. But, like, you think back to a child before you have all these scars and how cute kids are, and they're just happy in their butterflies. Nobody's made fun of them or done anything, and they're just so free.

Yeah.

And then these scars, we slowly start to build these walls, and we don't fully express ourselves to where the world can really see us.

So that happens in marriage. There's. There's scarring that goes on between both, and people scar each other their whole relationship intentionally and unintentionally. Right.

And not even just in marriage.

Like, you have everything.

You develop these scars in life, and anybody in your circle is affected by.

Your scars, which is wild, because in order to let go of the scars and to let go of the walls, you actually have to let go of your identity. A rebirth, which is very difficult when the pattern of survival and scars got you to a level of success in every area of life under that identity. So come back and answer so we can close the loop on this one. Because the answers that you're giving are the answers that many of our guys are getting, which leave the men confused over this topic. And first it was a top ground sex because guys were like, dude, I am doing everything I know how and this woman is so shut down and I cannot. So a lot of our guys have.

Fixed that, I think consistency.

But then there's a second piece that we still have not had a solution to and hoping you can help me find one.

The only other thing I can think too, and we've struggled with in our relationship is so you decide you're gonna rebirth and you're this new version of you and you try it on and you'd given it six weeks and six months and maybe even a year, but your past patterns and behaviors of six years aren't fixed in six weeks for sure. And so you, your guys are like, you know, I'm, I'm going all in. And it's like, well, maybe she's, maybe she is still working with scars from six years ago. I don't really know. And I'm sure that every situation is different. But what I do know is consistency builds trust. So for like a lot of your men in Warrior, we'll hear this a lot where they're like, I'm showing up. You're like, but how long did you not show up? You're, you're awake now. How long were you asleep for? And so the women, I think because we get this question asked a lot, they're just like, how do I know if this is gonna last? So they've got these walls up of trying to protect themselves because they're almost like, don't even know how to deal with it. And they're like, I don't know if this is gonna last. So I would say to the guy to keep showing up, like, and if he's like, well, I am. And he's like, I've been showing up, every situation is going to be different. Right? If she's not responding at all at any efforts over like a year, then that's a problem, right?

Well, the challenge we have is that our guys will grow so quickly in our Warrior vortex, right?

But it doesn't matter. It, what I'm telling you is if he showed up a certain way for like Six years. Maybe he cheated on her. She was like. She decided to try to forgive him, which she may not have fully forgiven him. And she's in the marriage because they have three kids together. And that scar is rooted so deep that she's just like. She says she's forgiven him, but there's a chip on her that, you know. And maybe, like I said, he didn't show up for six years, and now he's on fire for a year. And she's like, cool. Like, how about you show up for another, you know, six years? I don't know.

Like, so here's. Here's a thought they come with which I completely respect and understand that side of it. Here's the other side of the equation that's interesting. So I talked to the guy this morning. I said, okay, so let me. How old are your kids? And he told me the kids. And I said, okay, I'm gonna ask you some very direct questions, okay? Just to see if I can identify the pattern. He said, yeah. I said, at what point did she start starving you? And he's like, what do you mean? I said, both tanks. When did she stop starving? Start starving you with her words? And when did she start starving you sexually? Like, when did that start? Now, a common pattern for a lot of our guys is when they had the young kids. There's a three to four to five year window between young kids. A lot of people stack the kids so hard, so they stack them. So here's what happens, though. The guy goes into control mode to try to contain. He's in sexual starvation. He's in verbal starvation because his wife's attention's on the children. They make it through that season in order to survive as a man in that season, he ends up pouring himself into work because the pressure of the kids, the pressure of more production. So he does the only thing he knows, which is, okay, I'm going to pour myself into work now. Look simultaneously at what's happening. Woman's being starved for presence and attention. The man's being starved with sex and verbal affirmation. You have two starving people. So when the. When one of the two wakes up, like, I've woken up and triggered you. You've woken up and triggered me. I've woken up and triggered you. You've woken up and triggered me. I think that's how it's supposed to go. Somebody becomes more conscious and commands and demands the other person to rise. Someone becomes more conscious, commands and demands the other person rise. This is healthy. This creates a lot of collision and battle too, though. But you have two people that are starving. I've not met one guy whose wife cheated or he cheated where the other person was not starving them, not one time. And the starvation either came through lack.

Of sex or people accountable for it.

Most of the time, the women, like you're saying, feel scarred. Yeah, I rarely hear the woman take accountability for the four years of desert she put her husband in. Some of these guys went with just listen. They went with no words, and they went with limited sexual exchange. Some of these guys, two, three months of no sex. And at the same time, the woman solely focused on the kids, never speaking validation words into his life at all. So he's starving. So now, coming back to my point, your comment, guy at the gym, or the woman at the gym or whatever, he gets fed for the first time. And you can have a guy that's deeply having sex with his wife without words, and he can get fed from another woman in a way that reminds him that he's starving. So then he comes back to his wife, not to this other woman, and says, this is what I need to not starve. And her response is, that's not my love language. How is this guy supposed to operate with this when he knows he's starving for it? He's felt the validation outside. It's reminded him of his fire. And the one woman that he wants to receive that from consistently, continually dances around and doesn't do it.

I don't know, maybe he's not seeing.

It, but he does. It's on his phone.

He could track it as long as he can track it.

Well, if he can see it on his phone, then he knows that's the hard part. Because how do you measure.

Presence is all praise. It has to be in the form of a text message.

No, but if he's asking for it, some specifically like that, with no clouded interpretation, that's what he's asking for. Why would a woman, if it was that simple, why would she still be in defense mode and not do it?

To be honest, because you've asked it for me. So I feel like this is actually an indirect question for me.

You can listen to our recording. It was me and a bunch of the guys last week.

I. I personally think that that's not all you're looking for. I'm like, but it is that easy.

It is, but it's not something you've consistently done. And these other guys, wives can. They're beautiful women, they're powerful women. Many of them are on social media. Many of them run their own companies, they make their own money, and we're all running into the same choke point.

I don't know, then.

Well, that's. Let's ask you.

I know. I don't know. Like I said, like, I feel like I give you, like, short little texts here and there, but I'm. I'm more of, like, conversational with you.

But think about this. Think about your Instagram posts and the work that you put into crafting a message. Every day you craft a message. You craft a message, right? And you post it online for people who matter and don't matter. But that same energy.

For me, it's just checklist for me, but it doesn't. It doesn't mean anything for me. So for me, I'm like, if you just want a checklist thing, if it.

Doesn'T mean something, why do you do it?

It does. It doesn't mean anything for me.

I know, but when you're posting it, why do you post then?

Oh, just for business.

Exactly. You are the one that said, treat your husband and marriage like a business.

But not, like, in an AI form. Because. Because I just put that into ChatGPT. If you do want me to put in ChatGPT, hey, tell my husband the four great things I saw about this him this weekend and chatgpt and send you a message.

I'm just asking you why it is such an obstacle and block for you and why it's an obstacle and block for a lot of beautiful, powerful women married to great men.

I don't know.

Are you open to investigating that? Not on the show. Are you open to investigating that for yourself as to why that's such a block for you when it's such a simple ask?

I think it's a block because it's like, it almost is. Like you don't see all the other things. And it comes back to my point.

Why does your mind go there?

Because it comes back to my point when I'm like. I literally was, like, thinking that our conversation in the car this morning, I'm like, how come you can hear something from somebody at random stranger? And you're like, wow. But your husband can tell you every day that you look stunning. And you're just like, yeah, thanks. Like, you don't notice it as much. So I'm like, I feel like you're. Then you're just. You're not noticing all the little things, and it's just going to be one of those checklist things.

Have you ever consistently done it? No, I don't okay, so why not try?

I feel like I send you short.

Little messages, but why not try?

I gotta be honest. When you send me a novel every morning, I don't like it.

Okay? And you told that. And I realized that when I send them to you, I send them for myself.

Okay?

So when I'm asking for it, why is there such a resistance to the simple thing I'm asking? And this is not just for me. This is a conversation. It's going on with 35 to 40 different guys that are all very powerful.

All your asking for.

But it's what I'm asking for right now. It's what I've asked for for years. This simple task, simple action. Fuels my soul, fuels my love, fuels my energy. And words done in chat. GPT. You know how to type, you know how to do message. You could send an audio note.

I know. I guess maybe I'm feeling like I'm missing something from you. And I think it just in like.

But pause. But before you go. But before you go.

I don't how you showed up in the last, like. Like, like three, four weeks. Like, kind of unmovable, more calm. Like, I'm finally. I'm like, oh. I'm like. I like this new kind of version of you. And you're like, yeah, I don't know what's happened. Like something. Something broke. And I'm like, it's so nice. Like, I feel like I can share more with you and you're not going to be reactive. But I still question myself. I'm like, is it going to last? So honestly, maybe what I have been wanting from you our whole marriage is how you've shown up in the last, like three, four weeks. I'm like, this is great. And I see moments where you kind of go back to old version of. Of Garrett. But then there's this calmness about you that's very attractive, that's very immovable. It feels very safe. And so maybe when you had been asking me for more words of validation or whatever it was, maybe I was like, I'm not fully getting what I want.

So now that you are, would you be willing to test while I'm testing? Because I'm in a new phase. It's been six weeks. Five, six weeks. A big shift happened for me almost two months ago. Broke me from the inside. You didn't see me in the mornings sobbing in tears with God every day.

For weeks that you had that made you.

Lots of shifts are two big shifts. One is the story for most men is that they are carrying their woman, that they have been the ones supplying the path. I'm not saying this is 100% accurate. I'm saying this is the narrative. We've been providing the money, providing the provision. And look at the challenge for a guy. He works all day hard. Most guys work hard. They're war all day. They come home and wife needs a break. The kids are then thrown straight to the man. The man then goes into kid mode. Now he's got to be with the kids after being at war. But he's got to be sensitive but open and caring and emotional. We'll talk about the kids because all my guys have kids. Don't worry about not kids because that's not our situation or any of the guys I work with. So we got kids now we come home, we have to flip the gear. Now we have to be dad. Then we have to flip the gear and try to be present girlfriend. And listen, this is all within 6am to 9pm it never stops for a guy. So another game comes for guys like, dude, my wife at least gets a break at night when I come home because the guy gets devalued even though he's at war all day providing for the family. Most guys are not getting any feedback from their wife of, thank you, thank you for the home, thank you for the cars, thank you for the trips, thank you for fighting so hard to provide for us and that. And just looks at do more for me. And so the guys get his performance. But okay, I can just do more for her, I'll do more for her, I'll do more for her. And then when the guy asks for simple things, there's only two simple things guys ask for, for. And most high producing men, if you say they're like, listen, my wife wants me to help around the house, great, I'll hire people to do it. And then they don't get points for it. Cleaners, garden people, nannies, assistants. Because they're focused on their mission and their purpose. Coming and doing the garbage. It's a control thing. It's interesting from women. No, I want you to do the garbage. I was like, well, I'll pay someone to do the garbage. I was like, I know, I show you the garbage. That's one thing I do. So there's this piece going on for them is trying to figure out how. Because they're burned out. They're burning out in performance. They want to be present with their wife. So when they get clear about things, they need, need not want, need words and Hear in our specific situation throughout the day. If it's like one o' clock randomly on a Tuesday and I get a heartfelt message from you and audio like minute a minute. Babe, yesterday when you did this, holy cow. I was so. I love you. Thank you so much. Hey, babe, I know you're war right now. I appreciate you fighting so hard for our family. Hey, babe. The private school we just put our kids in. Hey, all these things have to be paid for. Thank you for covering the taxes. Thank you for covering the bills. Thank you for covering the insurance. Thank you for covering everything that you covered to help our family. Something to the man.

I could see that. You know what I realized too is I think that could go both ways. Ways not necessarily in a text because like you'll give me really long text, but it's not for things that you like necessarily notice me do, like that day or that weekend or whatever.

It's just like you haven't felt that in the last four weeks on the text I sent you. I think those are very specific.

Really?

Yeah, about everything. They were about moment to moment. Things were happening in the morning of I saw you do go back and look at them. They were very specific the last six weeks because I know you didn't like the blanketed. I love you. I honor you. I appreciate you. I'm going to puke on myself. I get it.

Because it's like you want to feel like you noticed for the, like the things that you did.

Well, coming back to our notice factor that you brought up, go back and scroll back on your text threads and go look at the last four weeks of text.

Like I said, Nick, you've showed up differently in the last like three or four weeks. And I've, I've acknowledged that. And I think my soul was like dying to this point where I was like, I, this is rough.

I get it. You were, you were. And I didn't see that that was why I had so much grief in the last month. That's why you've not seen me breaking down and sobbing at 2 in the morning. You've not seen me do it day after day after day as a reality of God flipping the script on me and saying, you weren't carrying her, she's been carrying you. And it's heavy. And I'm grateful and I think I'm sad that I couldn't see even amidst everything I've done.

Well, then I would say, give me time.

Okay, I can give you time.

That's good. We've been through it for 24 years so far since we met. So.

But we'll know that sometime when you're ready and it's natural for you. I would love to receive daily messages from you when I'm at war.

Okay.

Like messages from my queen while I'm on the front line providing and protecting our family. These words hit in a way an orgasm could never. They inspire men like myself to rise. They allow us the courage to continue to take risks and to continue to take the heat while shielding the family. And for a long time, I wasn't that guy. I used you as a shield and it was weak and I was asleep and I had no idea. And I watch millions of men doing the same thing and they don't know and they're clueless and they're asleep and we're doing everything we can at Wake Up Warrior. With the ushering into the new Warrior Eden scrolls to try to help men see what we could not see. I'm sitting with young couples this morning trying to help these guys see in the beginning of their production not to screw it up.

You have to allow yourself a little bit of grace.

For sure.

Like, I was even like, with what we've. With our kids being sick the last couple weeks and both of us have kind of hit this, like, tipping point. And then we'll be like, ah, see? And it brings up all these past triggers. And then I'm like, or maybe we had a great day and we've just been dealing with two sick kids for two weeks that have been not in school or camps or anything. And like, maybe. Maybe we shouldn't make this little argument into more than it actually was.

I agree.

Maybe we should look at the positive things that happened amongst toddlers being sick.

I get it.

Maybe we should not dwell on that. Life is. Is crazy sometimes, especially with toddlers, and say, see, this is why. And bring up all these past scars and traumas and things. You think your needs aren't getting met because reality is you just didn't get a lot of sleep and you got sick. Toddlers, allow yourself some grace. Allow yourself that you're human. Allow yourself to rebuild from where you're at that day, not on where you were at yesterday.

I agree. So when you're open and it's natural, know that you have a starving king who only cares about getting words from one person. I can be praised by a thousand men every day and be praised by powerful producers. I can have people tell me every day, you saved my marriage, you saved my life. I didn't commit Suicide because of your message. You liberated me because of your commitment. And although all those words are powerful and I receive them for what they are, just like a negative comment on a social media feed, you can get a thousand positive comments, but your mind is drawn like a moth to the flame, to the one message that talks shit. The inverse is true for a man with his wife. The world can praise him, but if he doesn't hear it from his wife, in words, in texts, in random audios that seem like nothing, he goes to war and begins to question what he's fighting for. Why does he fight this hard to provide this life if the one person that he's doing most of it for cannot see him?

Are you doing it for me? You should do it for yourself, too.

Just receive the message for what it is. Because that's a lot of pressure. Of course you think the pressure is small. On me. The pressure is massive on me as a man, the pressure is insurmountable. Women could not carry the pressure that men carry. You're not built to do it.

I think in the end, if I'm being very transparent, I think that both people want to be seen and heard, respected and valued and. And I think at some level, both don't really know how to communicate that. It's like, for when. No, I hear what you're saying, but like I said, I. This is just my thoughts and feelings that go for it. Like I said, you're not seeing. You're focused on this one thing that you're not seeing all the other things that I might be doing or saying or contributing or supporting. So I'm held hostage. Hostage that you're not. No, that's how I feel that. That this one thing, this text exchange every single day that you think you need, I don't know if that's going to ever satisfy.

And yet you've never tried, so how would you know? This is like saying, I can't ever get skinny because I've always been fat. And then one day it switches and you say, what if I changed my story? What if I don't feel hostage from this? What if I'm actually set free? What if the one thing that my husband's been asking for is actually a gateway to setting myself free, which is freely expressing my love through words to people that matter to me, to my husband, to my children, to people close to me? Instead of just feeling it inside and hoping they get it, you just made sure they got it. And maybe instead of it being a place where you're in Hostage. You actually the one holding yourself hostage by not expressing the love you actually have for me in the world. Because this is what you're doing on your podcast for the first time. You're expressing the beauty I've always seen. It's what you're doing with your books. It's the beauty I've always seen. It's what I've wanted. I'm not pushing you out to other men. I'm not pushing you out to other people. I glory in the fact that. That people are seeing what I have seen in you forever. And just in the last four or five years, people are seeing it. I championed you with your fitness. I was so excited because I saw who you were becoming afterwards. I saw what the process did to your certainty, your confidence, your power, your certainty in yourself, the way you walk.

Like there's a piece of you that's dying. And I think there's probably, like, a piece of me that's dying for sure. But it's like. And that's probably how it goes for each couple. So it's in. It's like. Is your. Is it your partner's responsibility to fill that void?

Yes. At a certain level, yes. The same way that I provide this house, I provide the cars. You don't worry about money. You don't pay the bills. You don't tail with taxes. You don't deal with insurance. You don't deal with health care. You don't deal with conflict resolution, with finances for the family. I deal with all this. I face this pressure every single day that you're alive. You don't worry about paying off the Amex bill. I do. You don't worry where the money's coming from. I do. You don't worry about planning the trip. I do.

I don't worry pretty much everything.

You worry about a lot of things, but you don't worry about those things. So there are things that you worry about.

To say I don't worry about those is not. Okay.

Reword it for me so it sounds better.

Just because I'm not physically paying the bills. Like, I'm always worried about that kind of thing.

Okay.

Like, you even, you know, for women. I read you that funny thing on Instagram this morning about, like, all women are expensive. Like, choose your budget.

But.

But in thinking that, like, women are always stressed even about that, they're like, oh, my God, can I spend this? Should I spend this? Like, I don't know, like, there's a lot of guilt, like, to say, like, I don't stress or worry. I take that just because I'm not physically doing it.

Got it.

And then I like think about the kids and like, always worried about the kids. Am I showing up for the kids the right way? Am I like to say that I'm not feeling the equal amount of stress? So. So here's what I'm saying. I think that. I think you're. We're trying to play this weird comparison game that I'm taking on so much and she's not validating me and women on the same level might be thinking the same thing. Like you are thinking I'm taking on so much.

Do you think that?

And I'm not feeling safe.

Okay. Do you feel that?

And it's not just safe financially. It's like I'm not feeling safe because I don't know how my husband's going to react to the situation. So there's this thing of like, I don't feel safe at some level. So you're trying to create more safety in your recent calmness for the first time in our whole marriage. And I'm like, this is nice because you're very reactive to the point where I just would figure out how to dodge and navigate and work on me and do all those things. So I'm hearing what you're saying. But there is a lot to unpack here.

There's a lot for me to unpack and a lot for you to unpack. Because I can only deal with my scars. I can't deal with yours. Those are your scars to deal with. I can work through my accountability and my responsibility and how I've shown up. And you and all women and all the women married to my men at some point have to own their side of the relationship in a place of radical responsibility. Exactly. And the challenge we have in Warrior is that most our men are in programs and surrounded by men and coaches and trainers who hold up the mirror to them. And their women are not. So they end up trapped in this place because their women don't have coaches, they don't go to masterminds, they don't have a sisterhood to hang out with the. That speaks truth to them. So they have their social clicks and their social media and the kids. And then the men are rising quickly and they're rising fast because they are high performance men, machines. Once they decide they're going to do something. Some of my guys don't need money. These guys will work on warriors six to eight hours a day. These guys start meditating for an hour to two hours. A day they start ripping and gutting themselves to the ground like I have and like I have for 15 years. And like 5,000 plus stacks. That's 8,000 hours of dealing with myself over the past 10, 12 years. This past week alone, I've been to last four or five weeks since Mexico. And even a week before that, I've been not small. You've seen this. God's waking me up at 1:30 in the morning and he is shredding me for four or five hours. It's the only reason this calm is available. So when you are ready. I have now demonstrated two to three weeks from your perspective. Five to six a month.

How about we close this show by this weekend?

Okay.

We can both share three things. Not just like three things, specific moments that we saw over the weekend that we had appreciation for one another via text. No.

Do you know why I like it via text?

No, I'm saying we're practicing just through communication right here. Okay, let's pretend this is. I'm texting you right now.

Okay, Got it.

Just pretend this is. You're sending me a text. I'm sending you text. Except we're doing it live on a podcast.

Okay.

I can type it out while I do it.

Well, no. Do you know why I like it in that form? Why you haven't done it? Why I would like it? It's like having a beautiful picture of you. I can see you right here in front of me. But when I'm not around you, when I'm not around you, I go to my files of beautiful pictures of my wife. When I'm having a hard afternoon and it's heavy, I go to pictures of you because it inspires me. When you send me a message digitally that mattered, it doesn't just live once. When you share something with me, it lives in the ether of me. But I. I can recall and go back, but I can recall it specifically with what you sent me. And now I can save those. And now as men, we've got a vault. So when we're feeling starved or things are rough with kids and toddlers, we have something to go back to. When you're feeling, as a woman, emotionally stressed and tapped out and you don't have any more to give, that we don't have to push for it because we've got a vault of it. And I can come back and listen to it. And I know this is true because we have guys who's winning this?

Go away though. You.

I save them all. I have massive thousands audio saved from people. Massive storage on icloud. I don't care. I think I have multiple terabytes. So this is my invitation to you as my wife. Not from a place of pressure that you have to. From a place as a husband and as a man. And as a man representing thousands of men who face us and men who are going to face it is I'm asking for something no different than I may have asked for something in the past. And I'm sure I will ask for more in the future because once we unlock this next piece, just like every piece that's been unlocked. Like when you asked me in presence three years ago for presence.

What?

When you came to me about presence three years ago? Yeah, presence and how you couldn't feel seen and you couldn't feel me, I knew this was the case and I didn't know how to get out. So instead of saying, well, why? What a look at the rest of our life. Look at our house. Look at the jewelry you wear, look at the cars you drive. Look at the trips we take. Look at the date nights I take you on instead of going to that which I didn't. I wanted to, but you had punctured a situation of you were asking for something specific from me. And truth is, it's taken me multiple years to try to figure it out, and I never stopped trying because you asked for something specific. I need presence from you and I need attention from you. I need to be seen. So I'm asking for something specific from you. And whatever you choose to do with it is what you choose to do with it. And I'm not attached, but it is what I'm asking for. And if you choose to do it, great. If you don't choose to do it, great. Just know there are two tanks in me and every man. And if those tanks don't get filled.

If it took 20 years, then I'll.

Continually have to fill it up outside of our relationship until you're willing to fill it up inside, which is I'll have to feed off the praise and the words of people outside of our relationship, men and women around me all day at work who have no problem doing it. And then when you're ready, which is a thing I've always wanted, I will be happy to receive. So this is not a you have to do it. This is me asking. It's not saying you have to do anything. You could ask me for another house. I don't have to buy it. You could ask me for a lot of things and I don't have to do them. Just because someone asked for something doesn't mean it has to be done. It's just, now you're clear. This is what somebody's asking for. So I'm open. If you have things that you'd like me to do and you're asking for them because you want them, I'm here, and I'm ready for whatever that is.

I would like consistency.

Got it in what?

Just how you show up.

Okay. Any more specifics?

If I be specific, I'm always like, I wonder what's gonna set him off. So it just leaves me. And then you're like, but I need you to communicate. I'm like, yeah, I don't know how well this is gonna land. I'm trying to work on my delivery because a lot of men will be like, they. From doing this podcast, talking to other couples, we hear that the delivery is wrong. So I don't know. I just kind of.

So consistency and showing up so that you can share your truth.

I have to go get kids. So we have to actually end this podcast.

Okay, so we'll end on this one. So consistency and listening to your truth.

No, just showing up immovable. Like, it's like, I could. I could say something stupid or do something stupid, but then it doesn't nullify a whole amazing day we had together.

Got it.

And it doesn't need to drag out for weeks. It's just like, hey, what triggered you?

Got it.

Cool.

Like a conversation. Not many. We can have a conversation about it.

Like, because I felt like we'd been having a great couple weeks. And then even yesterday, our conversation at lunch, you. When you were sharing how your day went, I was like, wow, I don't think that's actually how your day went. But now, because we got in that argument at the end of the day, that's how you're projecting your whole day went.

So I got it. So consistency in. So we have two things. Be inconsistent and immovable. In all of my forms as a woman, that's your ask, and my ask is a daily text of appreciation. And audio or video or text from you, that gives me fuel so I'll become an immovable man in all the forms you are in feminine, not a big ask. And another little ask. You speak to the power you're seeing in me being immovable so that I have it. And we do those two things. Next level. Are you in?

Let's give it a shot.

Okay. Well, we'd like to wrap this show up and welcome to why we actually started this show when our shows become therapy. So we hope that you get value from this. I am 100% certain that you will. These are some of the purest and the funnest shows that we do are us just talking. Not that we don't love having guests, but the conversations are different. So you know the best way to help us out with the show? Share it up. Listen to this with your spouse. Give it a. Give a comment. Share it up to other people. Let other couples know about it. And also, again, here at Wake Up Warrior, we've got foundation tools available for men just like you or the man you're married to that can help him get to this place. And it's a lot of work, but he can't do it alone. He needs help and guidance being around other powerful men. Send him to warriorbook.com pick up the free Warrior book today. We'll ship it to his house. You could do it for him and get on the way. As for me and Danielle, we are wrapping up. We got a second kid we got to go pick up because we already picked up the first one who was sick. And this is another episode of the date your wife podcast.