Owning Who & Where You Are | Date Your Wife | EP 078

Hey, everybody, this is your boy, Gary J. White, the founder of wake up Warrior and your co host here in the date your wife podcast.

Do you think when you're 70, you'll always say, it's your boy, it's your boy.

Hey, everybody, it's your boy, Gary G.

Whitey, 92 years old. It's your boy. It's your boy, Gary G. White. It's kind of like how everybody's like, hey, guys, it's your man.

How about it's your old man. Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody, this is your old boy's dad named Garrett. All right, welcome to the podcast Today. We're currently floating in our backyard pool.

Podcast by the pool.

Podcast by the pool. Let me ask you a question, Danielle. Why do you always make the pool 100 degrees?

So I'm like, super pregnant. I'm probably gonna have the baby in the next couple weeks and.

Not probably.

Yeah, no, I'm for sure.

Baby's coming out in the next two and a half weeks.

Yeah. Maybe sooner. And I turned my pool up to, like, probably. Probably usually like 80 because I'm not like, swimming, but I can't get. You're not supposed to hot tub when you're pregnant. And so I started turning it up to, like, 90. Cause I was like, oh, 90 would be better, but it's too warm.

And then 90 became almost 100.

Yeah, it's like 97. But it feels so good when you're this pregnant and you just sit in the pool and float and I don't.

Know, but you had a strategy. You asked me to get the hose because I can feel my foot over by your feet. It's cooler over there.

Well, I accidentally heated the pool up too hot today. So, yes, I'm sitting in the pool with you guys. Podcast poolside, you can't tab.

That is the sound of the paddle board that we have the phone sitting on that we're recording this podcast.

Garrett bought me a paddle board, like, three years ago, and he. We had visions of, like, date morning where we were gonna, like, go paddleboard at the harbor right by our house, and got me this super, super nice paddle board. And I was like, no, just rent one. Because I knew that it would happen twice a year.

And he's like, twice a year.

And so anyways, he bought me this nice paddleboard. But funny thing is, it's out of all of our. Gotten the most use. My kids love it in the pool. Like, they. I don't know why it's better than any floaty because we'll buy those, like, expensive floaties that are swans and all that crap, and they deflate and they pop and all this crap. So this. We've had this board in our pool for like two years and they love it. They, like, make a slide out of it. And Garrett likes floated on it on Sunday afternoons.

And I just said, put my arms on top, put my legs under. Just kick my legs back. And I've fallen asleep on the stand up paddleboard in the pool.

If, when I'm not pregnant, I'll lay out on it. It's like, no, you don't. Yes, I do.

You have.

Yeah. Lay out on it. Like I'm in the ocean, I get a tan. It's great.

Why don't you like the ocean?

The ocean here is cold most of the time. And we live in a beach where the. The waves crash hard. It's not like Hawaii or Tahiti or. It's like California waves and water is different.

Intense. It's cold. And they're surfing waves. I mean, they break hard.

Like if you get in, like prepared to get pummeled.

Yes.

And it's dark. It's dark. I don't like. It's not like clear water. So you're kind of like. You feel like you're. It's cold. I mean, it takes a lot for me to get in the ocean.

And then you get in the ocean here it's cold and there's. You can't see.

Yeah.

And it's cold. I like it, though. I love it.

Every day I'm in there.

Every day I'm in there. That's like two years. Two years.

I don't. You know, I have done a few surf lessons and I actually have pretty good balance and think I could surf. I used to wakeboard quite a bit, but I. The waves crash quick and hard here. Like, I. The only place I've ever surfed is this other little random kiddie beach where they do, like, kid lessons. And that's where it's fun for me. But here, like, if you go down, you go down hard.

Yeah. Quick and hard. Exactly how I like it. All right, so here's our topic today. We actually were sitting, we were talking about a comment that was made on social media here on Facebook, on one of my content pieces that we share. We share like two or three new pieces every single day now with my teams online, all over the place, hundreds of thousands. I think we broke our first. Like, there's like a million people just from a campaign we were running who had seen or Been exposed to one of, like, 15 different pieces of content that we had just put out in the last month.

And that was an ad?

Yeah, they were just content pieces we were promoting and just letting people get value from them. But there was a guy that came in and made a comment. People make all kinds of comments. I have full time team members that just manage the comment sections of my ads. They manage our customer support and then manage our internal networks.

But you create all the content.

Yeah, so the content's me, but they manage, like, the manage comments with me. Right. So sometimes I'm managing the comments, sometimes they're managing the comments. So there was a comment that came in today. Actually, it was a few hours ago, and we're recording this on a Sunday. And so I went and I looked at it, and a guy was making a comment. He had long hair, which is not indicative of a guy making this comment, but he's like, long. I'm just trying to paint a picture for the guy. So I always go check people's profile pics when they make comments, see what it was on Facebook. It's got long hair. He's got, like, Megadeth star, you know, Megadeth posters and a bunch of other things.

Whenever I'm triggered by a comment, I quickly can diffuse it by looking at their profile. It's. It's always somebody random or it's like a cat face. And you're like, cool.

Always hidden behind the Megadeth posters.

Yeah, like, you can't. Like, you get triggered and then you're like, I can't even. That makes sense. Okay.

So I'm sitting there and I go over to this guy's Megadeth page, and he makes a comment. His comment was, I'm gonna. I'm gonna abbreviate it because I don't have my phone right here in front of me. But he said the following. Said 2. Me and Danielle were in a. It was a clip from our Date the Wife podcast. And we had been talking about the wife not being responsible, necessary to pay the bills. Meaning because I had a business and my wife had a business, I'd hand it off to her to be responsible to pay the bills and run the bills. And then I took the bills away from her. And the whole topic of the show was about taking away the bills.

Yeah.

Did you have something to add to this?

I was like, why did you make me pay the bills? Like, in the beginning of our marriage, you took. You would, like, pay the bills. And I always worked. And then sometimes you'd be like, I.

Felt like I wanted you to contribute.

I don't feel like I could contribute. I was contributing. I remember, like, in the beginning, you'd be like, hey, I need five grand to pay, help support the bills. And I'd be like, okay. Because Garrett, I had always worked, and Garrett worked, but I didn't pay the bill. So my money, I would just kind of stash away. And then sometimes you'd be like, hey, I need an extra five grand. And I'm like, yeah, cool. And I never questioned it. And then all of a sudden, you were, like, stressed, and you're like, you're doing the bills. That's the wife's job. And I was like, oh, man, I really hate details, but okay.

And then. And then you would. Then you wouldn't pay bills.

You. Okay, you would miss, like, half of the bills. I am sorry, but let me just miss, like, half before you share this comment. And they get penalties. And they'd be like, we're shutting your life out because you can't pay the fucking bills. Listen, I would pay the bills. Most of them were on auto draft. Like, I was really proud of myself. I, like, set everything up. I was feeling very organized. Then every now and again, the gas would go off, something crucial, and Garrett would get so pissed at me. And I'm like, listen, here, you pay the bills. But really, I was like, okay. Like, I was like, I'm sorry that happened. I don't know. Like, I don't really care. But the funny thing is, is then you took over the bills. And I remember the first couple months you took over the bills, we'd get, like, notices and things that didn't get paid or whatever. And I'd be like, oh, that's weird. You didn't pay the bills. And so I feel like it was, like, really had to rub it in your face. But you don't even pay the bills anymore. You have your other. Your guy, whoever, on my teams. Yeah, you don't pay the bill. So neither of us pay the bills.

But no, I took over the bills.

You took over the bills.

And then I tried the people and paid the people to take care of the bills.

I can guarantee you didn't train them.

I did train them.

What'd you train them to set up auto pay on you, on your bank.

You act like people just show up and they know.

Oh, my God. I'm just saying I paid the bills, so I know it's not that hard. And I know when you start. When you started missing bills, I Was like, yeah, see, you were missing bills. You were missing bills.

You were missing.

Okay, keep going with your fancy costs comments.

Obviously we still have emotions.

How are we successful?

We should go to therapy over this, like, topic right here.

We know how to make money, we just don't know how to manage it.

No, I know how to manage it. We just don't know how to. No, we know how to do this stuff. It's just a week. Like at some point you've got to hand it off. So anyways, my point being was that I took it back from you. Quit fucking up the story. So I take it back from Danielle. I take it over and I paid the bills for years. Years. It's not like I just did it like, oh, I did it for two months and I handed off my team. No, I didn't have a team. I have me. I took over the bills, I started paying the bills. I took over our credit repair. I took over everything. And you were like, fine, asshole, take over it. So anyways, I do this anyway.

I didn't say, fine, asshole. I was.

Doesn't even matter. Alright, so the. So that happens. And that was a clip that was shown on Facebook. So the guy makes a comment, he says, they're too perfect. Like, they're too, they're. They're too perfect. They're too scripted, they're too beautiful. What? They shouldn't have gotten models to display this message because they're missing the point and not connecting with midstream Americans.

I only heard models and I was.

Like, like, literally was like too pretty, too perfect. Two models. They shouldn't have hired models to display this message. They should have actually had people who could be relatable and label.

At what level, though?

Well, this is my topic for today's, Today's podcast, which is serve and play from the level that you at. And don't be a. Don't be ashamed of where you're at, regardless of where that is.

Because you'll see people with money even like, try to hide and play humble. And you're like, dude, you worked your ass off. Like, I'm not saying you need to lie about it, but you don't have to act like you're in the poor house either.

And then you get the other situation, which is you don't, you don't have, you don't have things like on lockdown and you're trying to pretend like you do. So it's like the inability to actually own where you are at any given time. Right? So this is like This I watch happen. I'll give you a simple example with Lamborghini, right? I've had this car for going on. Let's see. I got this car.

It's like two falls ago.

I got this car, I think In August of 2017, I bought this car. So it's coming up on two years. Coming up on two years I've had the car.

You sure we're recording?

Yeah, I'm sure we're recording. I'll verify we're recording. Yep, I'm recording right now.

Okay.

Okay, we're good to go. So I've had this car for, like two years, and I have a handful of guys. Not like tons, but maybe five, six, seven guys who have made the comment to me as business owners. They're like, I bought a Lamborghini because I always wanted one, but I felt so uncomfortable driving it around because of all the. What people were saying to me.

Yeah.

That I ended up selling the car because it was just too. It was drawing too much attention.

He was uncomfortable with it where he was at.

Yes.

Yeah.

And so. And the interesting part was. And I'm just gonna put out there, the interesting part with this is all these guys were from the Midwest. Every single one of. From the Midwest. They were all like. Like. Like Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Alabama. They were all like. They were Midwest guys.

We live in Orange county. And I will say, like, people buy expensive shit. And so it's like. I feel like it's not normal, but it is less obvious. It's less obvious. Like, if you have.

It's not as big a surprise.

Yeah. You're just like, oh, cool, good job. Like, it's not. Yeah. Where I could see more eyeballs on you if you're in, like, a smaller town or whatever.

One of my clients has an Aventador and he's in Kansas City. And Kansas City is big, but not big at the same time. And like, you do not see there's maybe three in the entire city.

Yeah.

Versus here, where there's like multiple dealerships.

Within, like a. I mean, even in. I'm originally from Salt Lake City, Utah, and that's a very. It's not too small, but it's very conservative. And like, you would. You don't see, like, you wouldn't see, like, a Bentley. Like, very few. Like, I mean, your highest class is, like, BMW Mercedes. Like, you're just not going to see a lot of fancy cars.

So you get to a place where you've created the success to produce something inside of your world, but then you Start apologizing for it. So, like, look at the crazy dynamic of this, right? So you're a marriage, you're in a relationship. You're not where you want to be. So then you lie to everyone about where you are, pretending that you're somewhere you're not. Then you get somewhere that's legit, but then you feel weird about being there. And so then you lie about where you are and try to downplay. So it's like you're in the bottom and you try to up play.

Yeah, you're in the down, you're at.

The top, and you try to downplay. And when the fuck are you gonna just accept it?

Who's the poser? The person who's downplaying or the person who's up playing? Like, people always say, like, oh, you're such a poser. Like, not you, like, individually. Like, if people are buying, like, I don't know if they're buying fancy cars or they're trying to pretend like they're traveling all the time or whatever. Bloggers, influencers, like, ah, just posers. A bunch of posers. But then you have people with, like, a shit ton of money that, like, are they posers? Because they're not they. Or they just, like. I see. I hear this a lot where they're like, well, I just don't. I don't need those things. I'm like, do you not need those things, or do you like the attention that comes with those things?

I think there's some people that just don't need them. They don't. They just don't.

They just don't care.

But I think there's a larger percentage that just don't like the attention.

Yeah.

And so they end up having to answer a lot of questions for it. And it's tough, like, at either end. Right. Like, we've been at the very bottom multiple times. And inside of that place, like, it's difficult to own where you are. I mean, I wasn't like, the most. We were not the most honest about where our marriage was. Like, people didn't really know where we were. People don't really know what was going on with us.

I think we were more honest, though. I wouldn't ever paint a picture of, like, oh, we're doing so great. I was just kind of, like, frustrated, and I would more retreat and be quiet and just not really say a whole lot. And then when I. You got to be careful, too. Because I felt like in a marriage, specifically, if you're not in a good space, and you go tell your mom or your friends or whatever, they're. They're gonna, like, not like your husband, because they've only heard one side of the story. So it's. It's super. It's a super hard place to be in because you're like, gosh, I want to be authentic. I want to share where I'm at. I want to, like, be able to be like, this sucks right now, but you have to be careful, because then if you figure things out, you could create bad relations. I'm just saying, like, your mom or your sisters or friends or whatever could be like. And I learned really quickly, like, yeah, like, that doesn't work. And so it forces you to get in a situation and maybe be more honest or communicate better with the person you're actually having problems with.

So we use. I'd say in the first, like, We've been married 17 years, coming this August, and inside of our relationship, I think we've had, like, probably seven, eight years, nine years, 10 years where we both kind of went to. I went to my. I went to my family. You went to your family? In the first, like, seven years we.

Were together, I never really went to my family. I've always been. I've always been. It's not that I don't care what people think about me, but I just. I think I'm more quiet. Like, if I'm in a painful space, I more retreat, and I just get really, really quiet. And so I know some people want to, like, go blah, like, word vomit to their mom or whatever. I've. I've never been that way. I've just kind of. I retreat. So I don't know if that's health as well, but I don't know.

So mine was not retreat. Mine was like, talk. But then I got to a place where I realized I didn't want anyone in my world about, like, dealing with myself. And a lot of that was me trying to deal with me, period. Right? Which is like, if we wreck this back around to the Facebook post comment, like, it's like, people will make comments, oh, that guy rents that car. He must rent these houses. They. This is all bullshit. And I get it, because the vast majority of society right now is filled with this, like, idea that you can't be okay with where you are.

Like, you.

You have to constantly pose yourself to be something that you're not. And this was a message that, like, didn't really get beat into my head for a very long time. Like, I did. I kind of tripped under this one, which is like, listen, your greatest access to power inside of yourself and inside a marriage is to actually be honest about where you are. Right? And most marriages don't. They're not honest with each other. They lie. Like, they, they hide, they, they filter, they suppress. Like, I give you an example. Like, we went like, right now, one of the things that I get a little nervous about. You ready for me to get a little straight with you?

Sure.

All right.

On a podcast.

On a podcast.

Okay.

One thing I get a little bit nervous about is like, we had, we had like sexuality for us had been something. It was a bit of a struggle. It was like on point, but it was kind of a struggle for like a long time. We were never on the same page about it. We finally got on the same page with it roughly 20, 16, 18. So 16, 17, 18, we finally get some rhythms. And then it's kind of been the desert for the past 10 months with this baby. And I've like, learned to deal with myself in a totally different way than the last, like two pregnancies with you, pregnancy with Parker, when with Christy, like 20 years ago. Like, I'm just, I'm obviously 43, so like, I'm at a different level, more mature, so I'm handling it better. But I get a little bit nervous because I'm like, we've created a new routine that is obviously warranted because of the baby.

I'm not really worried, you know, but.

I get, I get nervous as a guy and I talk to other guys that are pregnant wise right now, they get nervous too. They're like, man, what if it never comes?

Okay, well then don't you have to give me, don't you have to give yourself a little more credit? Like in life, where we're at, in relationship, like, everything. You know what I mean? I, I, I mean, I keep hearing this, people be like, oh, because my other two are 12 and 8, and then I have a new one coming. I started babies pretty young, but people will say, oh, this, this will be a different experience for you. And I believe that, like, our kids are a little more independent now. They're little helpers. Like, I'm not necessarily stressed about that and I, I can sympathize. Like, there's, in a lot of ways, there's, I feel like I'm in the desert, but I'm literally like, I'm so big.

Like, like in the desert.

Yeah. But I'm just saying it's not like the girl doesn't want to either. And sometimes Even I know you're like, oh, it's awkward for the guy. I can assure you, it's awkward for the girl. Like, literally, we have a human growing in us. And it's not like, I always say, when you're pregnant, you're kind of operating at, like, 65%. And so it's like, you. You. You're trying to be sexy, but you're like, you. Yeah, I got a baby in me. And so if there's, like, no, like, you know, there, It's. It's even, like, bringing up sex. You're kind of like, should I kiss him? Should I just straight up be like, hey, do you want to have sex? Like, you there. It's a little bit more awkward to approach it because you have a human in you, and you physically, as you get bigger, you're like, I kind of want to have sex. I've got tons of hormones going on, so I'm not really concerned about, like, that next chapter. Yes, my body will need to heal and recover, and that's just kind of how it is. I'd say, like, the last period of pregnancy is a little rough, and then, like, the first couple months after you have the baby is pretty rough. But then I think it's like, I'm excited to be back to me as well. You know what I mean?

Right.

So. But I'm sure that crosses your mind. I'm sure that crosses every guy's mind. I don't know.

Well, it's. Well, I think it was. I think the difference now is it's almost like. It's like going into surgery. Right. So, like, when I went into my last surgery with my achilles tendon, like, two summers ago, summer of 2016. Three summers.

Yeah. You weren't yourself for a while, even. I mean, I remember when you were having all those surgeries, I was less attracted to you because your spirits were so down, like, and that was a hard place for me to be in because I'm like, God, I want to be, like, this supportive wife. But, like, he's. So you were. You came across kind of pouty, you know what I mean? And I. I don't know, for a woman that's not, like, super attractive, but.

You'Re like, oh, God, the first times or 2016, just.

I mean, you had a couple rough years with everything. I mean, remember, even your jaw. And, like, you had, like. There was a few periods of time Garrett had. So Garrett had a tumor in his jaw when he was young, before I met him, he. They ripped out all of his teeth, they took out the tumor. And then right after we were married, he gets like this infection in his jaw. He has to go get his like implants taken out on his bottom teeth. He has this like gnarly scar. He's on a pick. A pick, what do they call the medicine ball? And even then, like that made it awkward. I'm like, yeah, let's have sex. Can you take off your picc line? Like, you know, like there was a few times where you were injured where I just, I'm like, God, I don't want to sound like a. But it was, it's not like you were like your, yourself either, you know what I mean? So I think it's hard.

I never thought about it.

Yeah, and you don't really think about how much the body plays like Stella having her groove, you know what I mean? Like for both men and women. And so you just kind of have to be in, in a patient, solid place in your relationship. But even with situations like that, I think it can also help you grow stronger as a couple as well. But I, I think I want to go back to like going back to, you know, people just like playing at every level you're at. I think in the beginning and I can talk like, you know, I have a couple businesses with hair and things like that. And people always say, well, I'm not you and I can't do this. And I'm like, I need you to stop right now because I started where you were at. And people ask me in my business, like, you know, I've heard your story, but how did you do? It was just timing. And that's one thing I wanted to talk about on this podcast because I'm like, so many people think that it's God's graces or timing or whatever it is, but I can promise you it doesn't matter if you have the most amazing timing in the world, if you're not a hard working and persistent, then you, you won't make things happen for your life. And oddly enough, like with timing, you know, if you start something that nobody else is doing, you're going to feel like a dork and you're going to persecute yourself. It's not even others persecuting you. You're going to persecute the shit out of yourself and you have to be able to like take a punch, fall down and keep picking yourself back up. And if you can consistently do that and be persistent, you people start to notice. And if you can improve at whatever you're doing in your craft and your business and your marketing and your skills, it gives you enough of certainty where you continue to do that. So when people say, oh God's graces and luck, I'm like, you know, you have people who can step into the game now, and that's not necessarily an exception. You just have to be willing to, you just have to be willing to be persistent and figure it out along the way. So every level you're at, you have to figure out how to be better. So, and you. And Garrett said this on a ton of his other posts. He's like, you have to be willing to suck. And very few people are willing to be crappy at something. They're embarrassed, they're, they, and again, they self persecute themselves, you know, and they worry about what other people think. And you almost have to just be like, I'm, I'm gonna suck. And that's okay because that's the only way you can learn to do anything. Any craft, any skill, any marketing, any business.

So marriage, the same way marriage is like, like that, that play. Like the comparison you make inside a business or the comparison inside of creating a family or being pregnant. Like all of this is, all this comes down the same thing, which is like in the beginning, it's just not going to be, it's not going to be simple, it's not going to be easy, and it only gets simpler over time, I think almost driven by like the increase in mindsets and skill sets.

But people too. You know, it bugs me is people are like, oh, I was just, you know, I was dealt the wrong cards or whatever it is, you know, they look. And even going back to that guy's comment, he's like, can you relate to more normal people? And you're like, you're normal because you chose that. We don't understand like how powerful we are creating what we want in life. Even down to, I mean, I thought it was funny. I was like, oh, you're models. Even down to like how well you take care of your body and you know, that comes down to how you look. You know what I mean? So you take me, if you put, you know, if you put an extra 200 pounds on either of us and I didn't take care of myself, I didn't do my hair, I didn't take care of my skin, like I would look like a radically different human being. Do you know what I mean? So ultimately, like even down to looks like you can kind of create the best outcome for yourself. Like you can if Somebody who's like, oh, well, that's not relatable. That's not relatable because you've decided that there's a cap on your life and what you can achieve to do, and that goes with your body, your mind, and your business. So when I hear comments like that, part of me is like, oh, you're a fucking dork. And then part of me is, like, sad. Sad for you, for. For labeling yourself that you. That's as far as you can go in life.

There's a peace inside of, like, all of us has to make a decision, and that decision has to be made, like, every day. Not once, but multiple times every single day. A decision to, like, rise. A decision to build. There were so many times we could have been done with the marriage. There were so many times it could have been done with the businesses. I could have not recovered. You know, we know plenty of people who. From 2008, which is 11 years ago, which is so funny to me. 11 years ago, during the mortgage crisis, you're like, dude, that was a decade ago.

Yeah. And they're still using the story.

Decade. You're like, fuck, bro. Like, you weren't as good as you thought you were.

And what the thing. The thing is, is, yeah, maybe they weren't, but that doesn't mean they couldn't come better. There's even same thing with people that have injuries with their body. They have injuries with their body, and then they slowly recover, and then. But then maybe they're carrying extra weight or whatever it is, and they're like, oh. And it's like, they almost. They hold on to that story. So hard to limit them from creating other opportunities or anything with their body or business or whatever it is. You know what I mean?

I think a lot of couples just, like, individuals just don't. Individuals. And then couples don't take risks. I think there's a lot of risk to being honest inside of relationship. A lot of risk. Like, there's a lot of couples listening just right now where one of them's ready to take that risk and one of them's not ready.

Yeah, you'll hear that a lot. Like, you'll hear people in both of our programs. Oh, my husband, he's. He's excited for me, but now he's resentful. I'm like, because you're making more money than he is, and he's scared. And then. Same thing with Garrett. Like, he. The wives will be nervous and be like, why are you. Why are you doing all this work? What Are you saying we're not broken? And like, chances are you are broken, but they don't want to admit that to themselves. And that kind of holds you back too. And it's scary, and change is scary and growth is scary. But then it's like when you start to kind of. I feel like when you pick up that momentum, though, it starts to get easier and you start to build a stronger foundation as a couple. Like, you're like, okay, well, that really sucked. But you know what, We've gone through a lot together, so I am, I'm positive that this is another hiccup that we can get through. But you have to be willing to, even in relationships, like, you just, you have to be willing to, like, admit that it's maybe not that great and move on past that. You know what I mean?

What suggestions you give to people if they're in a relationship where things are not where they want it to be, but they know they've got to take risks. But if you're a woman, like, what suggestion would you give to the women about taking risks and starting to address shit that's ideal?

Like my students, a lot of my students are like the, they're the full time income earners. Like, they, in my business, I feel like they're kind of probably with yours too. Like, they come in and they want more out of their husbands or whatever. And then the husbands don't want to budge. And then ultimately the husbands are like, what's this program you're doing? I'm like, the business program that makes your wife more money. What do you mean? And I don't know if they're just scared or threatened or whatever it is, but I think I, I. One of my, a good friend and, and a girl that's in my program, I'm not going to say who, but she recently got a divorce because she's like, I feel like I'm dragging him and I'm so excited. And I refuse to be, like, refuse to submit to not going anywhere in life and saying that everything's good. She's like, I love him, but I do not want to drag him anymore. And I think that's something you'll see in your program too, where the white husbands might be frustrated with the wives. And, and so I'm in a situation where I'm like, I get it. And for you and I, I felt like you wanted more out of me, but I wanted more out of you. So we were constantly in this toggle of pushing each other back and forth, and I Think that's part of the reason why we've been able to accomplish and get to where we are. But I get it. There's times where I feel like I'm dragging you and you're dragging me, or I'm leading you and you're leading me and whatever, you know. But if you constantly have somebody in the relationship who's never leading, that will never work ever. Like, you have to be able to volley back and forth and. And somebody in the relationship has to step up, like, whether. No matter when. And so if you have somebody who's just never really stepping up. I don't know. I don't. I don't want to, like, support divorce and say, oh, well, then just maybe they're not right for you. But that's. That's a problem.

At some level, though, there has to be a spiritual divorce to the way things work. Yeah, Right. So even if somebody does not get divorced legally, there's a separation and a divorce that has to happen spiritually with people as they start to shift and change. Like, they can't. Like, your marriage the way it is has to die in order to become the marriage that you want it to become.

And I think, too, you have to. With you. And I. I remember, I was like, your path is not my path. You know what I mean? I think people maybe think they need to grow at the same rate, and you. Nobody grows at the same rate. You know what I mean? And who's to say is the correct rate for each individual person? So I think. I don't know. I think for you, you. I felt like you were constantly pushing me, like you wanted me to be more and do more. And I was like, you need to chill out. Like, I have no desire to run at your speed. You need to actually come to my speed because it actually benefits you a lot in life, too. So I think.

And so what happened?

I think people and couples get fed up. I think couples get kind of judgy too. They're like, well, he can't keep up with me, so I. And I'm like, maybe you're giving yourself too much credit. Is he. Is he really, like, no, he's not supportive. He's not keeping up. He's like, I mean, I don't know. Every situation and relationship is different. So I don't really know what the. My advice would be for that. I mean, what is your advice?

Well, you've got to take a risk at some level of the game. You've got to be willing to take a risk and first risk you have to take is just being honest and with yourself.

Actually, here's my advice. You have to get a little uncomfortable. Like Garrett said, you have to take a risk. Like, for me, even though I was like, well, things aren't broken, I remember I was like, I don't want to do therapy. Like, I'm not broken. You are. But I think I was just scared because I was like, oh, well, therapy's gonna make it worse, and what's gonna happen if it gets worse? You know what I mean? But I guess my advice is, like, you have to be willing to change or do something, and it can't just be all about you. If you want to stay in that relationship, you may have to do things that are for your man, and he's gonna have to cross the table and do the same thing. And so you have to be willing to cross the table for one another. And it might be uncomfortable, and it might not be in your personality, and it might not be something you normally would do. But that ultimately, I think, with Garrett and I, is what helped make things worse, is, like, we're both a lot different, but we both started to adapt, like personalities of one another and do things at each other's speed, which created this, like, harmony in our relationship.

You sped up, and I slowed down.

But I slowed you down, and that was good for you. And you kind of, like, pushed me, and that was good for me. You know what I mean? And so it just became a game of putting in effort for one another, which ultimately served each other and ourselves.

So step one for the guys is this. You've got to take an assessment at some level for reality and the facts and the truth for you as you are today and be able to own it with you. And once you've owned it with you, the next step is to begin to take what are the most crucial steps that you could use to begin communicating that truth to your wife. Like, whatever it is, whatever the hot topic is, or maybe even start with some of the smaller topics. Like, I had an issue was going on forever, which is just sexuality and intimacy with my wife. That was it. That went for a long time. There were a couple other issues with it, but that was a big one for me.

I think my big thing, too, then was, like, I felt like I wasn't getting the validation and the time that I wanted. And so I was kind of like. I was like, I'm sorry, you're not getting your needs met, and I'm not getting my needs met either. And so it Just became a relation or a problem in both sides.

Yep. So as I, as we started to address, like, whatever the issue is for you, you've got to figure out what that is and then you've got to be able to own that. That's actually an issue for you now. Once you've owned it, that's an issue for you now it's time to have collision based conversation, which is to actually collide with the person your relationship with and start discussing what it is that's true for you and being able to be real about what is for you. And if you can't be real with yourself, there's no way you're gonna be real with your spouse.

Yeah. It's hard to even admit to yourself, like, what's going on. I think it's so funny. I was just thinking, like the last few doctor appointments I've had, it's when you're like, you need to speak up, you need to tell them what's going on. I almost hesitate because if it's bad news, I don't want to hear it. And I think that's what people do. It's not like they're trying to be tough. They don't want to find out if it's actually, they don't want to find out the harsh news. You know what I mean? It's not like, I mean like, literally, I was like, oh, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. So people often tell themselves, they hide it because they're. They say they're trying to be tough, but they just don't want to face the reality of what if it is bad news.

Right.

So I've tried to be better too, because if you know the bad news, then you can prepare for it. You can prevent and same goes in a relationship. You know what I mean?

That's why I continue to address things head on with the doctors I know.

And it's good. It's helped, like, ease my anxiety a little bit. I have been so nervous with this one.

You were so you've got other issues.

Going on with your blood clot, high.

Blood pressure and potential preeclampsia and a whole bunch of other stuff going on that makes this super different than in the other two pregnancies.

Yeah.

And you're 36. I don't think she's different than being 20, you know, 24.

My last baby was 28, but 24, Bailey and 20. And I feel like I'm healthier now than I was even going into my 20s. But I don't know. I mean, my mom's had six kids. She told me it was. She's had. She had her last baby at 41. She's like, that youth pregnancy was easy. And she's all. And then my hardest pregnancy was when I was 20, 27. So she's like, just. Every pregnancy and every baby is different. So I'm trying to just chill out. I stopped working. And not only that, I was secretly working. I was still secretly working. And I was like, I can't. I just need to zone out. I just need to, like, sit in the hot pool and do nothing. But anyway, all right, here we are. Here we are. So we're gonna wrap up this podcast today for you guys. And we would encourage you every level that you're at, Be authentic, be in integrity with yourself and where you're at, give yourself credit for the hard work you put in. And also, don't ever put a cap or a box on where you're at. And careful when you comment and you say things like that. Maybe take a real good look in the mirror and say, is this. Is this all I can expect in life?

There you go.

Ask yourself that.

There you go, my friends. So that brings us to a conclusion here with the date you wide podcast. We are hit or miss with these as we come into the final stretch for the baby. We'll do our best to get one to you next week, but once this baby comes and things start to settle, things get a little more consistent. But we're excited. We're able to bring you a new show this week. Hope you guys have a great rest of your week. And for all the men listening, we do have opening on July 1, which the time you listen to this podcast will already be available. The new Be the Man challenge found@betheman.com and or you can head to warriorbook.com both will direct you to the same place and thousands of men every single month joining this experience inside of betheman.com and my wife is now upset because she didn't get to do some kind of a pitch for herself. Did you want to talk about something for yourself?

I just noticed it's the date your wife podcast, and then you always do a warrior pitch.

I don't do warrior pitch. I did a Be the man pitch. You did a Garrett pitch, which is a marriage pitch. Because we can get the men on fire. No, helping the women get on fire with hair does not help.

It has to do with creating the best outcome for yourself. I talked about it. I'm like, hey, listen, take care of yourself. And that includes good hair. Now, if you want to catch a repeat of the show, you can catch it on my blog, which is dkwstyling.com I own a salon, a large education company, and a new hand tied hairline. So if you want more information about that, you can catch all the upcoming news on my blog. And until then, we will see you guys maybe one more time before the baby. But if not after the baby, sometime after the baby.

And then there will be babies all over us with messages. And Danielle's Instagram will be filled with baby pictures for probably a year. All right, my friends, all I got for you. We're out of here this week. Again, check those out. Dkwsadling.com or betheman.com and we will talk to you guys here next week.