People Pleaser or Conflict Avoider? | Date Your Wife | EP 096

Hey, everybody, this is your boy, Garrett J. White, founder, wake up warrior and well, CEO of DKW styling and welcome to the date your wife podcast. Sitting here with the queen in the shotgun. Currently riding the lambo to top off, heading to date night by request, mind you. By request from the pregnant one, my wife, the queen of this show and ultimately the reason why you actually tune in. I. I'm simply the one who people like to say, why did you cut her off so much when they're talking? Although I have to say that I've gotten extremely better at not cutting off. And today we've got a topic and the topic is pregnant sex.

That is not the topic.

No, that is not the topic. I'm just seeing if she was awake. So we're going to hand it over to Danielle. Danielle's going to give us a rundown on why the show. Except it's not too loud. We literally have the top off. But we got like another 20 minutes or so until we get to Novu and Newport. So we're going to do this show. We're going to talk to you guys while we go. So Danielle, ask the topic for us today. Here it comes.

I'm sorry that it is not franken sex. As a girl, you know how that goes down. Like, if you're gonna get some, it.

Better be before 9:00pm Otherwise, like, our pillow looks amazing. Like, and I'll tell you, like, see, when you're pregnant, your hormones are actually like more like, oh man. But like, you miss your window.

That's on you, buddy.

Do you really get hornier?

I mean, like just random times, but like at night you're definitely like fall asleep. But the funny thing is if you don't even slee sleep that well, like you're kind of like in and out of sleep and maybe not just to prepare you for the actual newborn that's coming. Like, because then it's even less sleep. So anyway, we, I, you know, threw the same glasses on, put the heels on that I currently could not even buckle up because I finally got to.

That point where I'm like, oh, yep.

If there's no hiding it, I'm pregnant. So anyways, we got some time. I think it's too loud.

Yeah, it's not too loud.

It's not too loud. Keep on.

You don't even need to cover it up.

Can you guys hear us?

Can you hear me?

Okay? Are you there?

So my topic and I actually thought.

About this at a convention that we just recently did for hairstylist and no it wasn't a convention. It was my quarterly event with my mastermind students. And right now we have about 150 students inside of our mastermind. We do quarterly events. But the topic came up where one of my artists said, are you a people pleaser? Raise your hands if you're a people pleaser. And I sat there and listened to that. I think this may be applicable to get to the main office.

I'm sure you'll find a way to chime in.

I sat there and I don't know if men say, hey, Jude, stop being a people pleaser. It's more like when you stop being a person. As I'm sitting there letting this sit in and marinate, I'm thinking, like, people have always said, like, I'm a people pleaser. And I'm like, I just. I don't know if I'm that nice to consider myself a people pleaser. Like, I'm friendly, but I definitely am not, like, going out of my way to, like, please people. So as I started to think about it, I was like, you know what? Women are not people pleasers. They're conflict avoiders. And so as I worded it and reframed it like that, I thought that that, to me, makes more sense. I think that we're so afraid of confrontation, and whether you're working or not, we're so afraid of confrontation that we always try to make peace. But ultimately it's not because we're trying to please anyone. It's because we're trying to avoid conflict, which later on can just actually cause us more harm. So I just. I don't know. I don't know where we could go with this topic. But as I'm thinking about it, I'm like, you know, we have to learn to have better communication. And sometimes I think we think it's going to be confrontational. But really, if you even think of the word confrontation and flip it and reframe it into better communication, then I think that if you work on that, then it's not necessarily like you're a people pleaser or that you're trying to avoid or you're a conflict avoider. It's literally like, hey, I'm going to up my communication game so that I get exactly one what I want out of any situation in this life of business. Parenting, being married, and all that good stuff. I'm gonna let Garrett chime in on his thoughts.

Why can't you hand me the phone? Normal?

I am trying to.

You gotta hand it over here with the speaker from the bottom. All right, so listen, here's the deal. My wife is a conflict avoider at the highest level. So most women are. Yeah, well, it's not even about most women. Like, my wife literally avoids conflict. If we go back in the history of the last together, 17 years coming up this year. And if you go through what has happened with us, like, Danielle was never a conflict person ever. Like, the only way that we could ever have a real conversation was if I brought the collision to her and then inside of it actually would hunt her down and force her to have a serious conversation with me. So I'm going to bring the question back to you. Why in the first 10 years did you avoid now? You are way better at it now. Now you'll have a conversation. You'll do it. I think this podcast, a lot of podcast work over the last couple years has done a lot of good to help out with that for you. But, like, you legitimately avoided conflict with me and wouldn't have a real conversation about hard shit. And even then you would run away from it and. Or just ignore me. I'm not having this conversation with you. So I'm going to ask you a question. How, as a woman being a natural conflict avoider, how did you actually get to a point where you were willing to have a conversation? Because for the first 10 years, if I didn't bring the heat to start a fight with you, you wouldn't actually have a real conversation with me about hardship.

So then it comes back to, I'm going to flip this on. You ready?

Of course. You always flip it.

All right, so sometimes speaking from my perspective, I think, since I, I think that men tend to be a little more hot headed. Now, I'm not going to generalize, but I am going to generalize because I think that men, I don't know, like, does that make sense? Like, men are like, more hot headed. So, like, say you get in an argument and from my perspective, you're like, I'm, I'm not trying to avoid this conflict. I'm not trying to avoid this argument. However, I am not going to have this conversation with you or this communication with you right now because we're not like both in a logical frame right now and this, this argument is going to go nowhere and we're just going to continue to circle around with the same thing. So if you're trying to avoid conflict, it's also like, I think you can have communication with your spouse at certain times. And I still do that. Like, there's Times when Eric gets a little, like, we actually, like, flip your lid. Or like, he gets to this place where I feel like I can't reason with him, and he's one to flip his lid quicker than I am. And so also be in this kind of, like, logical space, and I'll see. And I, like, will refuse to argue. And my daughter does the same thing. Like, my kids do the same thing. And I'm like, I'm sorry. Like, it's not in a healthy place for me to continue, because then I'm gonna flip my lid, and then nothing's gonna happen. We're not gonna solve any kind of problem. And in that situation, it's not that I'm trying to avoid confrontation, but I just know, like, we're not gonna get anywhere. And then you might say things that you can't unsave, and it could turn into, like, more of a hurtful conversation. And again, I've done it even with my kids, I guess. My daughter gets older. She's 12. She's like that preteen mode. And usually when she goes into psychopath mode, I know her emotions are running high. And I go up to your room, get out of my face. Because I don't want to flip my lid. I have to remind myself, like, you're the adult. And sometimes I do flip my lid, and I say, can I yell at her? And I say things about that I'm the parents, you know? And I think that that can happen in a relationship with your spouse where you're like, oh, my God, like, why did he say that?

How did that happen?

And for years, I think that that.

Happened with Garrett and I, and it.

Doesn'T happen very often anymore. But if it does happen, I'm not.

Going to say it doesn't.

Like, we're not perfect in this whole marriage game.

But I think if it does happen, we get to this place where we.

Both can come to this logical faith, even if the next day and be like, how did. Why did we have that conversation? Whereas before we blow up and we would talk for, like, you know, a couple days, and then it would just keep distancing us and distancing us. So we just have, like, another blow up. Because we're like, we can't continue to operate in this space like, everything's okay, and not talk about what happened. So there's. There's confrontation avoiding, but there's also, like, knowing when to have clear communication and knowing when, like, hey, let's put this conversation on pause. And then even if it's five minutes. Like, seriously, like, sometimes I'll be like, I'll walk away. Garrett will go for a walk, like, whatever it is, and we'll try to revisit a conversation. And sometimes we can be like, okay, all right. Like, here's where we're at. And sometimes we can. I'm like, well, I'm gonna go to bed, and we'll see if we can retalk this out in the morning. So.

So you thought an answer to the question. The question was, why did you avoid conflict? So you give me one reason, which is you said because you wanted to not have to go down the path. Me. But that was also, like, that's one piece. Okay, I'm gonna give it to you. I was a little more. I'm way more emotional than you, for sure. I definitely want to fight and get into collision, for sure. But you were never an initiator of any type of, like, if shit was. If there was a hard conversation to have about sex communication or about a disagreement about things, your. Your mode was to just swallow it, ignore it, reframe it in your mind, let it go and move on and pretend like it never happened. And this was, like, the only way that we were like, if you think about the big, serious conversations about sex that led us to therapy, if we talk about, like, things, like serious topics for you and I inside of a relationship, you would acknowledge, ignore them until I blew up on it.

That's what that was my point in saying, like, we try so hard to avoid, like, confrontation that inevitably, like, if it happens over and over and over with, like, your spouse, it's gonna come back up. So sometimes it's hard to have those. Those tough conversations, and sometimes.

But why wouldn't you?

Why wouldn't I?

Yeah, why wouldn't you?

I think because I was avoiding confrontation. I literally was like, oh, it'll go away. Oh, it'll quiet down. And it gets to a point where, okay, sometimes it would, though, to be honest, and, like, I can't think of a specific situation, but sometimes it would kind of, like, calm down and go away. And then there was other situations in our relationship where it didn't go away. Like, we kept running into the same problem and avoiding it wasn't the answer anymore. So. And it even goes like, when I was saying this to my mastermind students, we were just talking about, you know, clients and situations that we get ourselves into, and they would always say, oh, I'm working until, you know, 9pm and I'm like. And they don't Want to tell a client no. And I'm. They're people pleasers. And I'm like, no, you think that that client won't come to you anymore if you tell them you're not going to take it them at the appointment or whatever it is. And so instead of having a direct conversation because you in your mind think you're risking like, losing a client, so instead of having a direct conversation, like, you're so emotionally charged by it, that even if you did tell them, hey, I'm no longer taking this it, like, they probably are offended because you're so emotionally charged. But that was like, kind of the point I was trying to get across to my mastermind. But I still think, I think that it goes in relationships as well. And like I said, like, sometimes, like, conversations will continue to loop and you're like, okay, this isn't necessarily, like, we gotta, we gotta have a real conversation here. And then there's times, honestly, like, I feel like, okay, we were both heated in the moment. And like, yeah, that was silly.

So the answer was because you avoid conflict. The answer was that. That was the answer. I said, why did you avoid conflict in having a serious conversation? And all you said was, I would avoid conflict. No, but stop talking about me being heated. You love to do this. You're like, turning it on me about me being heated. I'm talking about you being withdrawn. So we are very clear that I'm heated. But you're. I'm talking about you being withdrawn in conversation because you literally were a little turtle that would disappear into your shell and unless I fire blasted your shell, you wouldn't come out and have a talk about things.

I don't think that some, I don't think that some things. Like, like I said, if you were heated, I was like, I know you. I know you're heated. Like, just give you a minute to cool down and you'll be fine. And sometimes you would you come back the next day and be like, hey, I was an. And then sometimes you wouldn't say anything. And like I said, it would create distance and nothing would happen. And then we'd have to force ourselves to have, like a conversation. So I never, like, with you specifically, Like, I never knew. I never knew. Like, well, I did. I was like, oh, this Garrett. He's going to calm down. And then there are situations where I just was like, I don't know how to have this direct conversation. Like, what. Whatever it was.

There were, there were a couple moments that you, you finally had direct conversation, but you you seem to always have to get to a place of deep, like, deep emotion before you would ever, like, just have a call. Like, it's fun to watch because, like, listen, you'll have conversations, very direct with some clients, but you won't have it with all clients. You'll have some direct conversations with some people, but not with some of your employees. And you force me to go have the hard conversations. Like, you'll avoid it like the plague. So, like, how have you. You've gotten to a better place with me, though. And. But, like, natural push comes to shove, and you have to have a hard conversation with somebody. Like, your natural tendency is just to let it go. You brought up this topic today, by the way. Not me.

No, no. And sometimes it. Honestly, sometimes it does. Sometimes I'm like, okay. Like, it does go away. Sometimes it just has a way of, like, okay, that wasn't. I'm, like, avoiding conflict. I process it in my head, and I'm like, all right, everybody was heated in the moment, or it might even. I have to think of it as a specific situation. The only thing I can think of is, like, with clients, like, usually I have to go in more of a, like, logical frame of mind and be like, hey, I'm no longer, like, taking you on at this time or whatever. And either they're like, oh, really? You can't. I'm like, no, sorry, I can't. Usually they'll respect that and be like, okay, make this work. And then I realized I was telling myself so many stories by, like, oh, my God. I built it up. Like, she was gonna hate me, and she was, like, never gonna come to me again. And then I was feeling, like, guilty that I didn't want to cook anymore. And I was like, so many stories were, like, running through my head, and I was like, all I had to do was say, hey, no, and stick to my boundaries and say, no, I'm not gonna do this. So give me. Give me a specific situation with a relationship.

Well, we thought about this same thing over and over and over again, which was sex. And that finally led us to a place where we got into a huge fight in the kitchen. And you had said this one last comment to me, which was, well, when I get a house, like, there was a full checklist of things for years and years and years. When you do this, then I will. When you do this, and I'll do.

I don't think it was necessarily about the sex, though. Like, I think it was.

Sex was part of it. It was a deep part of it.

Okay, but.

And then that. But that was what.

The connection. I think it. I don't think it was specifically the sex. Like, we've gotten in a place in our marriage where, like, sex was very much like the to do list. Like, all right, let's just get this done so that he doesn't bug me anymore. And any girl who's been married for a while who doesn't say they get to a place in our marriage is a liar. So I'll just tell you that right now. We had been in that place, and I kept thinking, I think what you wanted was like, hey, why don't we have this chemistry? Why don't we have this attraction? Why don't. Why don't you want to have sex of being. And I was like, whatever. We're, like, we're having sex with. And I don't know necessarily if, like, I mean, right now I'm pregnant, so it's rough to say, but I don't know if the sex actually increased that much or if there was more of a desire on both parts to not just have sexes because we wanted to have sex with each other. You know what I'm saying? And so I. That was, like, the conversation that we'd argue about is, I think that you wanted me to be, like, more into the relationship. And I was having a hard time because I just felt like that chemistry and that trust and everything else was not there. So even though I was putting in the checklist X, like, I didn't know how to be more. I didn't know, like, where our marriage was going. And for me, it was very much based on trust, and I didn't know how to communicate that to you. I didn't know how to be like, hey, still working on this trust thing? Like, I want to be married, but I'm not sure 100% if I want to be married. So I think that we had to build that back up. And with doing that, like, knowing, like, hey, we're going to get fights, we're going to get disagreements. Like, knowing that I felt like, hey, if we're going to get in a disagreement, we're not both like, hey, fuck it, I'm out. Because we were, like, dancing on thin ice for so many years. So this conversation effect kept coming up. But it was because, like, I think we were just in a weird place energetically with our marriage. Like, it was. It was like it was happening, but there was just no, I don't want to say spark or chemistry, but it was just very much that checklist to do live check.

I don't think it really changed, like, until we went to therapy, I guess. I think it took. I took, like, if you look at almost every major fight that we had on a date night, and there were some pretty explosive ones. I remember quite a few of them, like, explosive ones. And all of this led to you and I having. But we were having conflict over the same thing over and over again. We had conflict over money, and then we had conflict over sex. I don't remember hardly having conflict over anything else except for those two.

I think my big thing, my big conflict and my big things was literally trust. And I think. I think for women, that's a big thing. We want to have that safety and security. Even if, like, I mean, I'm a pretty good producer for myself. I work hard and I know I can produce myself and I have a successful business. However, at that level, I think that women still want to be in a relationship where they feel that they're taken care of and they want to feel that they have that trust there. If they don't have that, it's like a scary place to be. And like, and either like, sex is like non emotional, you're in the beginning stage of your relationship where it's just sex and sex, or you're in a place where you're like, I don't really care, like, I'll just jump on you and jump off. Like, that's just what it is. And it's because the only thing I can tell you for women and from my perspective is I was like, still kind of working on that, trusting. So I think the cost, like, you can take therapy. But it was almost like I finally, if I'm being real honest on the show right now, it was finally like, Garrett was like, hey, I'm in. And I felt something shift where I felt a little bit safer. And he didn't do that once, but he just kept showing up. And slowly over time, I kept feeling safer and safer, which led me to feel more open and led me to feel more. More vulnerable, which made me want to actually, like, be like, oh, he's cute. And all of a sudden I was attracted to him again. And that's kind of how we, like, rebuilt back that, like, spark of chemistry in our marriages. Because all of a sudden I was like, oh, yeah, I like him again. You kept, you kept showing up. And I think when I saw you start to show up, I started to show up. And we both started to show up in our relationship in which we both Wanted to be in again.

And for those listening right now, I'm going to tell you right now. Came on the wake of, like, six years of fighting. So don't sit and listen and think, oh, somehow we just figured it out. Like, went to a weekend retreat with Tony Robbins, and all of a sudden it turned around. Like, I'm not joking you. We were fighting every week. And if we weren't fighting, it's because I would just shut my mouth and not say anything. And then I would do the opposite, which is instead of colliding with her, because I was so exhausted with colliding, then I would just, like, withdraw. And the problem was when I would draw within. Within five to six days, like, here's exactly what would happen. Like, we wouldn't have sex for, like, three, four days, and I would get, like, super horny. And then I would. Then I wouldn't know how to deal with it because we couldn't talk about it. But anytime we try to talk about it, Danielle would act weird. I would get angry. Like, it just would become this weird thing. So then, like, by day five and six and seven, I would just get angry and then accept day seven, I would just shut down and I'll be like, fuck you. I'm like, I'm done. I'm not. I'm not even. I'm not even going to have a conversation with you about. I'm not even gonna worry about this. Then by, like, day at 10 or 11, which happened a lot, there was this time where I would be. I would be completely shut off to Danielle, like, just unplugged. And then Danielle would come back. Danielle would. But it was beyond, like, mode. It was just in complete apathy. And Danielle would come back from that place and that she would wait until that time to, like, come back and try to do something about it. But this is what all of our conflict was about. Like, 90% of our fight were about sex and about intimacy and about being able to feel connected and feel wanted. So Danielle's sitting here not feeling trust, but she also wouldn't collide on the subject. So it's not like she was telling me, hey, I don't trust you. She wasn't saying these things. She would just kind of go into her own shell, withdraw, tell me she didn't want to have sex, reject, reject, reject. And then I would sit there and be like, so then I would get angry, and that wouldn't work. And then. But I was like, we were literally sitting at an impasse. And I am telling you Right now, if we don't go to. Like, I saw a window that opened up. Danielle and I got into a big fight in the kitchen, and I looked the girl. It was about buying our new house away. And I said, listen, I'm not buying. Like, if it takes buying a house for you to trust me, then it. I'm not doing it. And then I said, you need to go. Either we're going to therapy or, like, we're fucking done. Like, I'm not doing this shit anymore. And that final push, you agreed to go to therapy. You had rejected going to therapy for a decade. You were like, hell, no, I'm never going to therapy. I'm never going to therapy. So what changed in you that had you say, okay, I'll go to therapy? Because I'm telling you right now, fucking two and a half months, three months of therapy for us completely altered our communication with each other.

And we share this on some of our podcasts with. Or I think I thought of therapy. I don't know, like.

Like, what switch for you in the kitchen that day that you never would.

Agree literally was like, before, I. I don't know. I think I was literally like, I'm really done. I'm really done this time. Like, what else do we have to lose? I mean, it's fine. And I think part of me was scared.

I was.

Part of. I was probably scared to face my own feelings. And what's interesting is when we went to therapy, I actually felt like for the first time, we had, like, a sounding cord. And I think that that still happens to this day, like, because we work together. And, like, I was thinking that the other day when we were doing our meeting, and Jeff's in there. Jeff literally, like the most logical person on the planet and like a robot. And we did still, like, when we're talking about work and ideas and things like that. And Jeff was like our sounding board. And I didn't know how to communicate with you without it going to, like, an irrational place. And I think that's why I shut down with my communication, because I just. I was like, I'm just gonna get yelled at. Like, if I tell him, like, hey, here's really how I'm feeling, then I. He's gonna be like, well, fuck you, you're not showing up. And dah, dah, dah, dah. And I'm sure that happens relationships. And so it's hard to get anything covered because you just trigger the fuck out of each other. So you sit there and you try to have a conversation. And both these parties end up being like, well, you're doing this. Well, you're doing this. And it's hard to take accountability inside of a conversation when you're super hurt. And so I think going to therapy, for us at least, it was like we both had a logical sounding to hear one another's feelings. And we couldn't get. I couldn't shut down, and Derek couldn't get as triggered. Trust me, he got triggered. There was one point in therapy, literally jumped up, started doing burpees in the middle of a session, and the lady just looked at me, and I was like, I know. And normally that wouldn't be a burpee. That would be him yelling and screaming at me. And I just got to this place where I'm like, I fuck it. I'm not going to open enough. I'm not going to have communication, because it's not going to go anywhere. And all I hear is, I'm not taking any accountability. But if I share my feelings, it's just going to come back at me in the form of yelling. And so, honestly, literally, it helped me open up and actually try to communicate better. And I felt like Garrett, like, was able to have more, like, get further into the argument and further into the. Into the. Further into the story or the conflict or whatever we're having without hitting a tipping point and being able to hear what I said, and vice versa.

I think therapy was the first time also where you were. You were being held accountable for what you were doing, what you weren't doing. And so there was both my side of blowing up, but then there was also your side of the. Like, anytime we would get into a conversation, Danielle would flip it, and it would always be about me. Like, everything was always about how I was fucking up. So we would get into these fights, and she would always, like, I would be, like, trying to talk to her about stuff, and she would never take any responsibility for herself. Never, like, nothing. It was never, yeah, you're right, I fucked up. Yeah, you're right. I'm not being a wife that shows up in a great way right now. It was never that. It was always about me. And so I would get in this place where I was like, you're out of your fucking mind right now. Like, I cannot get these conversations anymore. And then we go to therapy. And sitting in therapy is the first time where Danielle was being required to actually own her shit. And so I could. And I allowed me to relax a bit more than I'd ever been able to, because I knew we could go to therapy. I could say something to therapist, and then Danielle would have to have. Danielle would actually have to stay in the conversation, and she would have to own her own. And if she tried to make it about me, the therapist made her make it about herself. And so what's that?

I don't remember her trying to make it about me.

No, she always will. Put it back on you. Every therapist who went to put it back on you, so you had to actually deal with your own feelings.

I've had conversations before. The reason I felt like they wouldn't go anywhere. And you're like, I want you to take accountability. But you come at me like, saying, I want you to do this. And I was like, you, I want you to do it lot of things. And so when you would say, it's me, I would just say, okay, well, I'm not reacting this way because you're doing this and this and that, so you can say that. But I didn't take accountability because I felt very unsafe and threatened in this situation whenever we try to have a conversation.

So we got therapy, and all of a sudden, there was a better chance for Danielle and I be able to.

Pull off conflict and be in conversation.

In a way that requires both of us on our ship. Like Danielle, Danielle, here's our tendencies as a couple. My tendency is to blow up, and Danielle's tendency is to shield and deflect everything. So if you were to look at us visually, I'm like a blowtorch, and Danielle's like a giant heel, like, deflecting everything. So nothing is her. It's always about everyone else and holding up the shield. And all relationships end up having somebody. Like, you have one person who's like a fire breather, and the other person who just shuts down or emotionally is not available and deflects and shields everything. And that was Danielle. So we had to. There were two things that had to happen. I had to learn to bring the.

Fire down, and Danielle had to learn to put the shield down and take.

We both had to take responsibility. Danielle, I take responsibility for the fact that she would turtle anytime that we tried to have conflicting conversations. Hard to have. And every time we would get into a conflicting conversation that was hard to have, I would get triggered in the moment and then blow towards the whole fucking building and burn everyone to the ground. So, like, we were both each other. Like, every time Danielle would go to shield mode and shut down and try to refrain me, I would blow even more fire. And yet, if she saw Any sense of me going to blow fire. She would immediately go to shield, which would trigger me. And I was back and forth. My fire triggered her bringing in reinforcement shields, her shields and reinforcement shields would trigger me to blow more fires. So we were completely. We were completely.

Do it now. How do we do it now?

Good, you brought it up. Keep going.

I know. Like, how do we do it now? Because I'm sure people.

We're doing it right now.

I'm sure people listening to this show is like, oh, I'm in that same situation. Like, I think as couples, we don't. We don't realize how. How many similar problems we all have. And I think that's probably why there's a lot of marriage divorces, because you just keep circling the same fucking problems. And so people will say, well, how did you fix it? So I'm going to turn the question on you. Like, what's different now? Like, how do we.

That's the question. You answer it first and then hand it to me. Otherwise, you're going to do your.

You want to make sure you don't miss the turn. You have to get on this weird, loopy freeway.

I don't think it's this one.

It's not this one. Next one. Sorry, guys. So much suspense on this question. So much.

You're gonna answer it first. You're not handing it to me.

Okay, you gotta get over there. So.

Okay, you got less than four minutes. You need to answer a question. You don't get it. Turned on me. You get to answer the question, how have you changed? Not how me.

Don't turn this on me.

You. You take accountability for yourself, and I'll talk about how I change. You said, how have we changed? So how have you changed? Don't stop. We. You. How have you changed? And then I'll talk about how I've changed.

How have I changed?

Yes.

Let me play Jeopardy music for you.

Yeah, I'm, like, trying to think what I do because I've noticed, like, we know we can diffuse the situation pretty.

Good, but how do you do it different?

I've been good at diffusing a situation.

No, you're kind of good at avoiding situations. So you diffuse by avoiding. So how have you not. I'm going to take responsibility for what I do. I'm not going to tell you what you do.

Okay, then I'm just going to tell you guys what I think. Gary. I know.

Don't say.

Don't say.

Everyone's listening to you right now on this show. Do exactly the Thing you always do. You don't. You don't take accountability for. You talk about you.

I don't know what I do different. I think that I. The only. If I'm.

You brought up this whole topic of conflict.

I want to be really honest.

No, I want you to lie.

I think for me, I'm less scared to, like, really dive in and share with you how I'm feeling. Like, I'm like, hey, yeah, you.

Like, so what's different? Then you share more.

I think I share more, but it's. I only share more because I feel safer to share more.

Okay. Which has to do with you, not me. Like, you personally feel safer in the relationship. And so in that you share more.

And so in feeling safer, I feel like I can now face conflict, and it doesn't seem as scary to me, and we can have conversations. And one thing that I work on that I notice for myself, like, even in this podcast, when I can feel Garrett, like, you just started. Like, he's like, no, yeah, I'm in the past. I find myself, like, getting, like, I can feel my lid about to blow, and I finally. And then I go, fuck you. And I shove it all under the rug, and I push and I push that away. I go a bit little myself to flip my lid. I'm like, fuck you. And now I'm like, you're okay, Danielle. You're not gonna flip your lid. And I talk through it, and I'm always surprised that I can emotionally talk through it, and I didn't flip my lid. And so that's what's changed inside of me is that I'm like, I don't. I don't shut down because I was so scared that I would flip my own lid. And then I realized I'm like, no, you're good. Like, you're good. Like, I talk. I talk to. I talked through it. There. That's good.

I'm so proud of you. Look at you. You did it. You did it. Yelled your shit.

Does that make sense? I think I would shut down because I'd be like, I'm gonna blow up. I'm gonna blow up.

And then I. I will tell you what I did.

And I was so scared from past times where, like, I would blow up and then Garrett would blow up, and it was literally, like, just a yelling match to, like, the extreme. You just, like, imagine the ugliest yelling match, and that's what you got.

So I shifted in the following, which is I started. So where Danielle got to the edge, and she would not blow the fire. I got to the edge. Sorry about that, guys. I would get to the place where in my. In my game where I just wouldn't blow the fire. Like, I would get. I would get clear about what I wanted, and there was less tendency for me to take it beyond the limit. And more times and more times than not, I would just shove my mouth. Like, I wouldn't even bring it up. I wouldn't even bring up a fight when he bring up an argument, wouldn't bring up anything. I'd just be like, okay. And then if I did bring it up, I would. I was able to stay more focused on what I wanted instead of trying to be right. And in the past, for like, 15, you know, 12, 13 years, all I wanted to do was be right. So I would get into an argument, and the minute it got spicy, at any level, my entire commitment became being right but not trying to actually get what I wanted. That's true.

I think we argue in relationships, you argue. It's like you argue to be right, not to get what you want. And I think that's one thing that we both did. We both realized that there's some submission in getting what we wanted. And so we were less willing to be right and more willing to get what we wanted. Yeah, that's it. That's a good. That's a good note to end on.

Very good note to end on. We're gonna end this podcast. We just got into note, boom, let's get out of the car. And we're gonna see if my wife can get out of the car pregnant style. And if not, either way, it's all good. So we're gonna wrap this show up. You guys have a great rest of your week. We will talk to you guys next week here on the D2I podcast. Again, a couple things. If you haven't checked out@warriorbook.com, head over there. Also, Danielle, you can follow@dkwstyling.com and everything on this show available at d. Hypnow.com. all show notes, tips, tricks, questions, challenge, and action guys for this week's show. We are done for today. We'll see you guys next week.