Quickie, Quickie, Porn Star | Date Your Wife | Ep 002

You like that?

I did like that. All right, all right, all right, all right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another episode here of date your wife, the podcast. It's actually started. We already went. We already began. The show began literally 15 seconds ago. My name is Garrett J. White. I am your host. I am here with my beautiful wife and the queen of the kingdom, Danielle K. White. Let's talk about this real quick. This K thing. I added your middle initial. How you feel about this?

It's so formal. I mean, I don't need the K like you need the J. I do need the J.

But why don't you feel like you need the K? You don't feel any. I'm going to move this back so you don't have to, like, move forward as much. There you go. Why do you. Why? Here, let me show you.

Whoa.

Nice. Just kidding. All right, so why. Why do you. Why do you. Why do you feel like the K is an improvement to your. To your name situation? Your mother gave you the name K. Carrie, it's fine.

I feel like middle names are in case you get older and you don't like your first name, so then you have option to change it.

I like it. And in my case, you just add the middle initial because it's amazing. And that's. That's what you do. Just throw a J in there. All right, today's focus on today's show is sex. How do you feel about this? The one you've been looking forward to the most? Right.

I just think it's gonna be fun to hear two different perspectives from both a male and female perspective, and.

All right.

Forever. There was, like, a couple years where we were, like, battling this conversation, and I literally.

A couple years, like 10. No, like a decade of struggle.

But you literally were like. You'd be like, you're just weird. You're not like most women. I'm like, I hate to break it to you, but I own a salon and I work just with women. I know women as well as, you know men, so I think our perspective shifted on, like, now I feel like I really know how men think.

Okay.

Because based on, like, your truthfulness to me, and then I feel like. I feel like I used to think maybe I was weird on the topics of sex and intimacy, but now I'm.

You don't. You. You don't think you're weird at all, any level?

No, I think you.

You literally. You literally think you're unweird at any level?

No, I think I'm actually more normal Than I gave myself credit.

Were you about to say smart, sexy?

Sure. Both smart and sexy.

Okay, so you. You came to a terms. And we're gonna back this up. We're gonna back this up a little bit. Want to talk about is like our backstory. Right, Our backstory. Not in the fact, the backstory. We're gonna talk about our backstory of sex. So you and I did not have sex before we got married?

No, we were. I was raised very Mormon.

Me too.

And I met Garrett at 18.

Okay. I was divorced at the time. I was not 25 at the time. Wait, I was 25 at the time. 25 and divorced at the time you were 18. And we meet and you have. You have not had sex with another person? No, I'm your only one.

I mean, if we're broadcasting that, sure.

All right.

Well, I mean, I don't have a problem saying you're my only one. Like, I feel like I'm not trying.

To expose a cover up there. I'm just.

I'm like an anomaly. Like, you are like, people are like, what? I'm like, yeah, it's true, it's true, but it's not weird outside of the Mormon culture or even like strict Christian based cultures, I would say.

Okay, so sex, being raised as a, as a young lady, what. What do you remember being the, like, the topic? Like, what was the focus as a young person? Because being how you were. How you were raised as a child and how your parents interacted with the topic of sex and how you interacted with that conversation as a kid affects a lot of how you see the topic of sexuality. So let's come to how did this go down in your house? Like, did your mom and dad talk about sex or how this worked out?

I think like, in a super religious culture such as being Mormon, it's always like, no, no, no, no, no. That's all it's taught is like, no, you don't have sex. No. Like, they don't. At least in my family, we weren't like, super open with communication. And again, I thought maybe we were weird and different, but it turns out that's kind of how a lot of families are. And there's some that are different. I feel like your family is probably a little more vocal and open with communication, but I don't know specifically about sex. So, like, being raised, they're open about the sex.

I think they're open about the topic of sex, but I don't think it was. It was still weird. Like, it was an open topic. But it was. It was not a real. It was not a real fluid topic. It was open, but it wasn't really fluid. So it was kind of an awkward open. It was like an awkward, open topic.

Right.

Okay, cool. So mom and dad. But you knew your mom and dad were having sex when you were a kid?

I think, like, every little kid knows their mom and dad's having sex. Like, you don't want to know. I mean, I.

But you did know.

I'll just tell you.

You didn't know you had one moment that I remember you telling me about. That confirmed this.

This is. This is awful. And I. I'd probably not share this, but in high school, that means you definitely should. I just assumed my parents, like, didn't have sex because, like, I was like, oh, Mormon people just have sex to have babies. That's how it is. And nobody wants to think of their parents that way. But I remember I had my room in high school. We moved into a new home. And this is super scarring, but my scarring.

See, this. This is exactly what I'm talking about. You're like, now you're talking about how scarring it was, yet we're talking about how sex is actually opened up. It was scarring for you as a kid because.

Because, listen, I didn't finish the scar.

All right, continue.

My bedroom was below theirs, and they had a large headboard. And I kid you not, like, three to four times a week. I was like, God damn it. At first I was like, what is thumping? Why? Who?

What?

And then I caught on, and I.

Was like, how old were you when you were hearing the thumping of the headboard by parents?

I didn't know it was, like, in high school, but I just remember I was like, oh, Jesus. Why do. Why do I have to be real?

Did it feel weird to you, or did it feel natural to you at all? Like, meaning like, hey, this is good news. My parents are having sex. I'm probably gonna stay together.

I think. I thought. I thought, like, good for them, but then I also was like, it. Like, you're like, your mind just automatically. You're like, oh, scarring. Don't want to see or imagine. No, don't go there. Like, you just are like, whoa. Like, you don't want to. You can't. You don't want to think about it. But you're like, good for you guys.

So I never. I never once heard my parents. Like, I never. Not even once. Well, it's. I didn't mean. Look at you. What. What is this? All this. You're, like. You're, like, shaming everybody for, like, even being, like, you know, I celebrate that your. Are you excited about the fact your parents have sex now?

I don't want to hear them have sex ever.

You don't want to hear your parents have sex now? Even as a grown woman?

Are you serious?

I'm just shitting with you. Okay, Obviously you don't want to hear your parents have sex. They're, like, in their 60s. Are your parents having sex in their 60s?

Is this about my parents having sex?

No, this is about our history and about, obviously, the problem you have with talking about sex about parents. So do you, like, is it weird? Do you want to have your parents have sex now? I mean, I'm not, like, saying, like, you're going to build a billboard and say, mom and dad, please have sex.

I'm saying, like, being how I was raised, like, we didn't talk about it. Like, even. My mom even never really asked me about, like, relationships. She wasn't like, hey, she never had that conversation with me. Like, hey, like, you have a boyfriend now. Like, you should there. She never even had that, like, conversation with me ever.

You never had that. You never had the sex talk at all with your dad either.

Like, you would know.

Did you understand what a penis was? I mean, how did you learn about a penis if your parents didn't talk to you about it?

I'm not saying I didn't. Like, I'm not.

I'm not saying you didn't investigate. I know we had some investigation went on as a young lady, but, like, how did you find out about some of your friends?

Well, obviously in high school, like, you just learn about that kind of stuff, whether your parents talk to you about it or not.

But you never had the speech.

No, but my point being is, like, it was always, like, nothing. It was always something we just didn't really talk about in my house. And it was kind of like, you have sex when you're married because that's what you do. And it wasn't like I could ever felt like I could go to my mom and be like, hey, I'm thinking about having sex with this guy I'm dating. Like, she would be like, oh, no. Like, you know what I mean? There's a lot of shame and guilt around it. But then in.

Did she have any talk? Did she ever talk with you before we got married? Did she have to say, hey, this. This is how it's gonna go down tomorrow?

No, I mean, I feel like at that Age, I feel like I should. I would be able to figure out.

But your parents, but you still. So no, at no point during the process you had any sit down speech. Who was the one person.

Did you have a sit down speech?

Yeah, my dad had a weird speech.

Yeah, see, it's.

But it was, you know, he had, he had the speech from this before my first marriage.

I feel like your mom would have had that speech.

No, my mom didn't have a speech. My mom taught us about my mom. My mom went to war with you. Well, it was a weird thing, man. Like, because the way my mom was very unbutched about this, this program, a Christian program called Focus on the Family when I was growing up, which Dr. James Dobson, I believe was his name, which fantastic. I didn't have any problem with it. And my mom would talk about sex with us as a kid and I would be taught about it. But the truth was I didn't even know what a clitoris was until I was like, you know, much, much, much, much older. I don't think, like nobody was teaching me the moves. My dad tried to teach me the move, but he was so awkward in talking to me about the movement that it kind of fucked up the entire move. I mean, what moves could I really learn from my dad?

Yeah, but I think too, like, you don't really figure it out until you start to have practice. And like, you don't figure out what works. Like, a lot of people have had lots of practice and multiple partners.

Right.

And even if you haven't had multiple partners, it's not something, it's like something you just figure it out as you go.

So I would think, I would say that you and I have figured we've finally gotten in a rhythm, but it took us a long time to get in a rhythm sexually.

Yeah, I just think, I mean, we.

Always had sexual chemistry with each other.

Yeah, totally.

But both of us kind of came from a fucked up background. And again, this has nothing to do with being Mormon. This is nothing. It's not something. We don't practice that religion right now in our world having for almost a decade. But it's like there's a process inside of my friends who are Catholic, Muslim, Jewish, any form of Christianity where there was some really intense orthodoxy around the topic of sex and sexuality was shamed at a certain level and not something that was open and talked about. And that has a huge impact on sex inside a relationship. So talk about for you. Look, okay, go ahead. You got something up.

I think that sex can Be very, very different for both men and women. Like, in my experience. I can only speak for my experience, surely, but I think. And I have actually talked to more girls and finding that this is more in common because there was this place in our marriage where I was just like. I was like, hey, I don't. I'm not really in the mood to have sex tonight.

But of course, I was blown away. Like, most men who don't know, they're like, are you shitting me right now? It's Tuesday at 2. 13.

And so I was just kind of like. I didn't want to, like, turn you down, but I was like, I really, like, I'm feeling like. I'm feeling bloated. And I just feel like I gotta take it.

Take a shit. Stole that from your friend.

I like it. I just. I'm just being super honest. But there's days I'm just like, no. Whereas I feel like a guy, literally, you could be like, hey, do you wanna have sex? And if they're like, no, I don't really wanna. You take off your shirt and you're like, hey, you wanna have sex? You're like, yes, I do.

It's almost impossible to say no with breasts in your face.

Well, I'm just saying, guys are easily sueded and women are not. So for me, being married, I was like, hey, listen, there's like, sometimes I'm not gonna wanna have sex, but you put one in for the team. Because it benefits me in other areas. I know that if you're fulfilled, I'm like, oh, he's traveling. I know he's on point. Cause he got laid or I'm like, hell, Garrett got up. He's like, being more helpful with the kids. And I just know it's because it's like. It's like, win, win both situations. And then there's times where we do have sex and it's really good and there's lots of chemistry and there's lots of foreplay and there's lots of this and that. And so I think when I. When we were first married, I didn't get that concept. I thought there was something wrong with.

You were actually disappointed.

Well, I just was.

The very first time you were disappointed.

I just share this.

Are you willing to share this? Well, I mean, I've already asked you now on the show, so I think you have shared this.

The first time is a little awkward, obviously. But then I realized, like, after practicing and being married for a while.

Yeah.

That, like, the lead up and the foreplay and all that is actually a lot better than sex itself. Sometimes sex can be really fun. But in the beginning I feel like it's weird and awkward and it's not like this magical thing that I thought that because it was so taboo growing up that I just, and I had like, I said I'd kind of mess around with some other stuff. So I thought this is so great. I think if this is so great, sex is going to be like mind boggling. And I was like, oh, right, right.

Penis and vagina doesn't actually pull it off.

I mean it does, but, but there's other stuff that's for sure fun. So I just think.

So you were actually disappointed a little bit the very first time because you had waited. You had waited. There's gonna be a lot of people who wait to get married. They have sex and. But then it scars them. It scars them. And this is what I'm talking about. No, it scarred you a little bit.

No. I'll tell you what happened. I remember on our honeymoon thinking like, what? Oh, what's wrong with me? Why didn't, why wasn't that as fun as I was anticipating, right? And because I didn't know, like, even if I had friends in college and that they were sleeping with guys, like you don't have like that clear of communication with your college friends. You're not like, you're more like, oh, you slept with him. Haha. Like whatever, blah, blah, blah. And now as you get older, I feel like you're open with your communication and even just like talking to other girls and stuff. And like I'm like, oh, I'm, I don't think, I'm not that, I don't think I'm like not normal. You know what I mean?

Okay, so we have, we have two things. We have two things we're looking at here in today's show. The first one is the background of you sexually. Like where, where did you come from? What was the frame that you came from? Our children are being raised in a very different environment about sexuality. We actually will tell our children, hey, you need to go to bed because mom and dad are about to, I feel like have sex.

There's gotta be a backstory to that. Like my, I have a little 10 year old daughter who has like the worst anxiety at night. She like cannot sleep. She literally like wants me to like hang out with her, like tell her stories and like just calm her down. Whereas like my 6 year old will pass out anywhere. I could be like, go to bed. She's like, okay, good night, Mom.

My 10 year old just fall asleep on a kitchen.

She has, like, anxiety at night. And I like, I would be like, I'm so tired of doing the routine like, you're 10. So at 10, she's in fifth grade, and she's also like, mom, what? Sex? So we had the sex talk with her. We told her.

Who had the sex talk with her?

I can't believe you did that.

I had the sex talk. We'll talk about that here in a moment. Because I have the sex talk.

I was kind of bugged at. But so anyway, I was like, I cannot get this. Like, she's old enough. She knows I don't need to go lay down with her, tickle her back and tell her 14 stories. So I just literally, like, one day.

Which worked when she was young.

Yeah. But she was milking it. And she was like, my anxiety. And I was like, no, you. Like, I think she was just saying that to stay up later. So now I was like, I. Like, we had. We had the sex talk with her. And like, I said, I was like, bailey, you need to go to bed. I'm like, and don't come in our room because dad and I are going to be having sex, just so you know. And she's like, that's so gross. And I was like, I'm sorry. But I knew. I was like, yeah, no kid wants to walk in on that. So, like, literally, it's worked, like, every time.

Yeah. The only fun part is that Danielle's a liar because only half the times that she says that do we actually have sex.

She's gonna just grow up and be like, my parents had sex every night.

My parents had sex. She's gonna be. My parents had sex literally every night. How did you know? Because my mom and dad told me they had sex every night. What they only knew is that Danielle was lying and only 50% of the time they were having sex. Okay, cool. So listen, let's continue. Young married sex and the exposure comes down to belief systems and behind it. So if you were looking at this from a parenting perspective and trying, like, Bailey asked me about sex, like, it came up because they started having their sex ed talk in fifth grade at school. And I actually got taken out of sex ed training in school. My mom had me pulled out.

That makes sense.

So I had to go to the library. So this is why I didn't know what a clitoris was, because I was literally in the library studying social studies or something.

Keep you sheltered.

Well, I mean, it kind of worked for a time. And then I was like, well, I don't know what a clitoris is. I should find out what the fuck all the rest of this is going on. And then I went off the deep end. But here inside of this would debate the deep end. Not in the deep end. Deep end.

No, you never went off the deep end.

All right, I appreciate your. I appreciate your vote of confidence. Let's continue to be here in this topic with Bailey. So Bailey starts asking these questions, and I just said it was a kind of a moment of decision for me. I was like, how far do I. You know, where do I go with this? Do I take this all the way? Do I have this conversation? Little. I realized that I was actually doing something that would scar Danielle for life, which was I was having the talk. But you were connected to having the talk with her. You wanted to have this talk with her.

I just felt like I still think of her as, like, so little. And then she started asking questions, and he just told her, and I was like, why don't you, like, tell me? Like, that feels like. But, you know, I don't know.

Maybe it was something.

It was just kind of upfront and casual.

I mean, here's the deal. How many times did you see anything truly sexual on television when you were growing up? Do you remember seeing anything sexual on television?

Because I was on, like, sex.

Did you see naked bodies on tv?

Let me tell you what happened.

All right?

So I had older brothers and sisters. I was like. I was the youngest. Well, I wasn't the youngest. I had a little sister.

But there's basically the youngest because she's, like, a decade behind you.

Yeah, yeah. So I had. I was, like, the youngest. And I feel like at the end of five kids, my parents were kind of, like, I would get babysat a lot by my older brothers and sisters.

Right.

And I feel like I'm more scarred by that. But anything. They were always watching bad movies. And, like, oh, man, I felt like I got exposed a lot from being babysat by my older brothers and sisters.

Were they bad movies or they were just movies that showed sex? Isn't that crazy to see?

I don't know.

Like, even your. Like, even the little training that we're talking about, it still comes out like, you know, like, people. Like, we're around family members of mine who will call it, you know, bumping uglies, like a vagina and a penis is ugly or something.

I just am, like, a big fan of, like, correct terminology, so I'm like, they had sex. That's a penis. That's a vagina.

We've never told our kids from a young age that they should call it anything else.

I think, like, yeah, it makes it less weird. You don't want to get married and be like, you want to bump uglies?

Hey, babe, you're looking fantastic. You want to bump some uglies right now?

I just feel like that wouldn't go over well.

Yeah, that wouldn't go over well at all. All right, so you and I were raised not. Not really open in the topic of sex from our parents. It wasn't something that we were naturally talking about all the time. We didn't have tons of experience with it. So here we are married, and we're kind of stepping into a bit of confusion. There's a bit of confusion for you and I as a couple and this continues. And I. And I'm. I'm hurting about it. I'm upset about it. We're not communicating well about it. We're. We're having talk. It's like, we're not having sex, but we're going through of ups and downs. And I get it that it happens with couples, so don't pull that justification bullshit on me that you always do. Well, it's how it is normally with everyone. You and I don't talk very good about sex in the beginning.

You know what I'm realizing too?

All right, what are you realizing?

I think that regardless if you had sex before you're married or not being married and having an open relationship to talk about sex is like, totally.

It's tough. Yeah.

Because, I mean.

Why do you think it's tough?

Well, I have, like, friends that have, like, oh, I've slept with like, X amount of guys, and then, like, they still deal with the same problems that you and I have. I think just being married and it's just. It's different. It's like, you get married, what do.

You think is different?

You know, what is different?

What is it that creates a difference? Go.

When. When you're. And I think I had this conversation with you before. Like, okay, when you're dating, even if you're super comfortable with somebody, like, you just. You always kind of play the game a little bit. Do you know?

Okay. Okay.

So, like, even if you're, like, not in the mood when you're dating, you're kind of like, oh, and you, like.

But you'll still kind of go along.

Yeah. You kind of are, like, flirty and sometimes. And this can even go being Married, like, sometimes you're like, I'm not in the mood at all. But you kind of play that role, and you're like. You're like, all right. And you're like, I don't know. Something about getting the guy's attention. All of a sudden, you're kind of into it. So I think what happens when you get married, at least. At least from my perspective and talking to other women, is you get married and there's, like, that. There's no longer that role play of, like, being kind of flirtatious. You're like, I'm fucking tired. And, like, when the husband, like, comes on to you, you're like, there's no more flirting because you're. You're usually pissed. You're like, I worked. I put the kids to bed. I did this and this and this, and you don't turn it on. Do you know what I mean? And so, guys, I think going into the whole married role of having sex, they start to. At least this is what we experienced is like. I think the guy starts to feel super shut down. Because in the dating world, you're like, oh. And you're like, yeah. And even if you're not in the mood, you always, like. You always kind of entertain it and see where it goes. And so, like, when you get married, you're just like. You're just tired and there's no filter. You're just kind of like, I'm tired. You know what I mean? And it loses.

Oh, I know what you mean.

It loses a lot.

I have. I have a lot of experience with that one, with the shutdown.

But it loses, I think, for guys when they. When they feel, like, shut down, then they. They're kind of like. It puts this weird tension on marriage and sexual relationships within being married. And so for me, like, I think we kind of had to come to this place where we both kind of chilled out a little bit. And I don't know how to describe it other than, like, I finally, like, understood. I was like, I still need to be, like, kind of flirty, or I still need to be like, hey, yeah, let's go for it. You know what I mean? And not be so like, ooh, I'm tired. You know what I mean?

Okay, so let's stop there for a second, because this shit that you're talking about is an important one. You just, like, blew past a decade and sex therapy and a whole bunch of other counseling sessions and, like, a hundred fights at big restaurants over dinner, over sex. So you and I, you And I were not good communicators about sex. And this is a struggle that I watch happen with men inside. A wake up warrior.

Right?

You hear about it at the salon, Right. There's this challenge with married couples being able to talk about what they want and being able to talk about what's not working and be able to come to a place of creating something that's working. You and I couldn't do this. Like, we would fight about this over and over and over again. What did it feel like from your side knowing that inevitably a fight about sex was coming? Because I was probably at war with you and. Or, like, hiding from you or, like, emotionally withdrawing?

Like a really serious question.

No, only funny questions on this show. Sure. Go.

Okay. So there was a point in our relationship, and I don't know if I kind of surrendered. And you kind of surrendered, too. Like, you. When we would, like, talk about sex or when we'd get in an argument. I don't know how to describe it, but I feel like you kind of chilled out a little bit. Like, do you feel like.

Did you just answer my question with a question without answering my question? You can't turn this on me. Reframing queen. This is exactly how shit used to go when we would try to talk about sex. You would reframe it on me. You can't reframe me on my own show. I will answer your question second after you answer my first question.

What was your first question?

See, that's exactly what happens, is you, for you, literally.

No, I'm just.

Right now, real time on this show, you were hearing what happens.

In order for me to answer your question correctly.

Oh, shit.

I need to know.

You're such. You're so full of shit. I love that you're going here right now. Okay, all right. So I'm gonna answer my question.

Hold accountability, babe.

Again, here's. Here's one.

Own your shit.

Okay, I'll own my shit with Ms. Reframe. Never answer question. Make it about the husband. Here's the deal. There are men out there right now that are listening to this, and you get exactly what's going on here, which is the man. Because the sex drive is typically higher than a man. The man is the one who's left in this confusing game of trying to figure it out. Here's what would happen. Danielle and I would. I didn't know how to approach the conversation about sexual. Not in a healthy way with her. So I would come in kind of this weird game, and my wife is what I Is not. Not a touchy feely person. Maybe you're married to a touchy feely woman. So it was weird because my wife doesn't want to hold hands too often, doesn't like to cuddle, doesn't want to be touched.

Cuddling.

You don't like cuddling unless it's 6 o' clock in the morning.

I like.

You don't cuddling at night.

I like cuddling at night.

Since when?

If there's no expectations.

See, Exactly. So I'm cuddling with her, obviously. I mean, I've got this beautiful ass leaned up against me. Right up against my penis. Yeah, well, exactly. It's like she's leaning. I'm being totally turned on by the cuddle thing. You know, Johnny's waking up down low. But there's no. Anyways, we didn't know how to do this. And so I would try to be in this place of connection with Danielle, but I didn't know how. So then here's the game that I would play. So I'll explain the game that stopped and then Ms. Reframe over here is going to get fucking honest about this for the first time. Okay, here's what happened to me. I would go from hey babe, let's go. But it was like this twisted 15 year old, like this 15 year old, like weird seduction game as a married guy which was kind of like this desperate oh my God, I just saw titties thing in the bathroom. Oh, hey. And then I would do this weird thing. Now it was not in my advantage to do this right? It was not. I was not getting anywhere with this. But I continued to do this for like a decade, which is this weird kind of like I felt uncomfortable so I didn't know how to approach it. When you're dating or you don't have kids and you don't have the mortgage and all the stress, you just kind of approach it from the way they.

Are entitled to sex if they don't know any better in the beginning for.

Sure you're married, you're like woman. A part of being married is me getting laid. This goes through every guy's mind. Every guy. What goes through a woman's mind about the sex topic once you get married? Because guys feel like in most men that I've ever met feel like, hey, shit, we're married now.

I think that women don't.

Sex is part of the game. Let's go.

I think in life there's a lot.

Of women that say this is true too. How do you feel about this.

You know what? It's interesting. Again, it goes back to when you're dating, and maybe specifically because for us, it was very taboo. But I think you guys get married and they just maybe do they want to just get laid every night. And women are like, we didn't have sex every night when we were dating.

I don't mean you and I don't have sex every night. I mean, we've never had sex every night for longer, maybe a couple nights in a row. So I don't think it's like, to that point of I feel like I need to get laid every night. I think what most men end up struggling with, particularly married men who come from conservative backgrounds and. Or men who came. And the crazy part is for me to connect with guys and to know men who were completely sexually, like, fulfilled when they were single. But then shit changed once babies came and the marriage came and you were together for a decade, and things started shifting. All of a sudden there was this new experience with sex, and it became awkward for a man to try to approach it in marriage. Like, there were many times I felt like it would have been easier for me to go flirt with the neighbor woman than it would be to actually flirt with you. Because I was so triggered and felt so rejected for so many years that it put me into this weird place where I didn't even know how to approach you.

Do you want to hear my magical formula?

Do you want to know? I want to hear you take responsibility for rejecting for a decade.

Oh, for sure.

Okay, talk about this to women who might be listening. After you talk about the rejection, I'm.

Telling you my magical formula, and then.

You'Re coming back to the rejection. So you're going to try to do this to forget. I'm going to bring you back.

Okay, so the rejection part, I realized by me rejecting him, he went into pouty mode, which made me less attracted to him.

True.

So then I wanted to not have sex even more. I'd be true because he went into this pouty asshole mode, and I was.

Like, explain pouty asshole.

It was almost like you were like, I'll show her. But so you're very stand. You were very standoffish, but you were also, like, an asshole. Like, things you would normally do that you like are like. Like, that weren't a big deal to you. Like, you take the kids to school and you loved it. But it was like when all of a sudden you were in pouty asshole more, you'd be like, I need you to take the kids to school every morning. And I was like, okay. It was like. It was just like you were punished. Trained to, like, punish me.

And I was trying to punish.

So then I was almost like, it wasn't working. Less attracted to you. I was like, dude, like, do you ever want to get laid? And then we ran into the problem where it was like, I was put. I was. You were getting laid, but I wasn't really into it. And you were like, I want you to want to have sex. And I was like, then fucking man up. But I didn't know how to, like, describe it other than I was other.

Than say, fucking man up.

I know, but I.

And I would be sitting there going backfired.

And then you're like. And then I was like, well, you're a dick. And like. So here's my magical formula.

All right, I'm ready. Give it to us.

Then here's my magic formula.

Okay, magic formula. Three, two, one, go. Everyone's anticipating the magic. This is a big build up to this.

Okay, here is your magical formula. Cause guys will. In my experience, men will want to. I know there's a lot of guys that, like, travel a lot and work a lot. I know you work a lot. But I do know that when working.

A lot causes a high demand for sex inside of a man.

But no, let me not lose focus on my magical formula. Magical formula. So you can't lose connection. Like, we both work a lot, but we make a lot of time to reconnect, like, date nights, things like that. And my magical formula to do that is you have to have porn star sex at least every third time.

I didn't even know about this magic formula until right now. Yes, I like where this is going. All right, continue with this porn star.

Sex so you can have.

Okay, I like this. Keep going, keep going.

I'm taking notes so you can have. Just. You can do, like, quickies. And if your husband's like, you know, rubbing you up and down, you're like. You're like, sitting there. You're laying in bed. You're like, I literally want to throw up right now. Not because you're touching me, but you just don't feel good. Or you have a. You're just like, I had a hard day. Or I feel like I need to take a shower or whatever it is, but you, like, Garrett comes over and he's rubbing my back and whatever. I'm like, oh, he wants to have sex. I'm not in the mood. But instead of like, saying, like, not Tonight, I'm just like.

Which you did for like.

I know, because I was like, I'm not into it. And now you get so comfortable in a relationship. I'd just be like, no. And then I. So now I'm just like, if the. If you're kind of like, we. If we happen to go to bed at the same time and the kids are in bed, and it's like, wow, that doesn't happen. That, like, it. Like, that's kind of rare. I mean, right? You know? So when it does happen, it's like, Garrett's always like, it's go time. So I know that. And he'll start, like, tickling my back. I'm like, okay, he wants to have sex, but I'll be like, hey, babe. And I just jump on him and screw him. I mean, it doesn't have to be like, porn star sex. I just jump on. So that's. We call it a quickie. I'm just like, hey. And I know that's what he wants, and that's great. But if you don't have porn star sex about every third time, I think you start to feel a little bit disconnected. You're kind of like, oh, you didn't have fun. And I'm like, no, I have fun, but you got to make it. You got to make it really fun.

Well, there's two things. Oh. Continue with the magic formula. All right, so we have. We have quickies for a couple times. Then we have porn star.

Yeah.

So, yeah. What it Describe what this means to a woman in case she doesn't know.

You just. You just put on a show.

I mean, what does a show look like?

I don't know.

Like, give me energetically how your attitude changes.

No, you just. You just, like. You act like your opponent porn star. You put on a show. I don't know how to describe it.

So if you're not sure what that is, go watch some porn.

Go watch a porn so you can.

See how we're going.

See how. Just have a good time.

Like, do you have a good time when you're in porn star sex mode?

Yeah. I mean, okay. Sometimes when I have porn star sex, I have to have a drink in me. I'm not gonna lie.

For sure. For sure. Well, it loosens you up a little bit. I'm sure some women can do that without that problem.

Yeah, for sure. If you don't drink, if your husband gives you a nice massage, like, I know with.

We use a massage technique.

Yeah. Like, if I'm not drinking and I'm like, I want to relax a little bit. I'm like, hey, will you give me a 10 minute massage? And it just like relaxes me and then I can, like, kind of get into it. Okay, so anyways, that's a lot.

So resolution of the cocktail could be a massage.

This. What this does is I realize, like, Garrett wants to. You want to put more into me. You're like, how can I help with the kids if I'm like, hey, can you do this for me? Hey, can you help me with work? Can you do this? You're more like feeding my needs.

Yes.

And so then it's like, win, win for everybody. But we can't just, like, have I noticed in our sexual relationship, it's like, we couldn't just have cookies every time because you're like, I want you to want. I want it. And like you said, men's sex drive is typically higher than women's. And so I was just like, okay, like, that's fine. I need to kind of put one in for the team, but then also make sure we connect and then everybody gets what they want.

So it started like this. This conversation we're having right here. Like, it would have been just. It was just a win to get to a point where she was willing to have, like, was open to it. And the rejection factor, which I'm going to come back to after your magic formula. I had spent a decade being rejected, and I didn't know how to deal with it. Like, literally didn't know how to deal with it as a man. You know, here you are. I love this woman. I want to be with this woman. You know, we have children together, we're building this life together. Yet the truth is, I feel horribly inadequate as a man around her because I've been rejected so many times. No, no, no, no, no. Was like she was being taught as a teenager. And then we got married and it was like, no, no, no, no, no. And so I'm asking you, like, as a woman, like, were you. Do you just not realize or did you just not give a shit about the emotional consequence for being in the. No, no, no, no, no. Constantly. Before you made the shift to the.

Magic formula, I kind of felt like my needs weren't being met. So I probably was maybe being a little selfish in the sense that I was like, screw you. My needs were being met. But I realized when your needs were met more, you would kind of even chill out with me. You weren't. So the pouty, needy thing didn't happen like, you were more like. You just naturally would do things for me.

Right.

You know what I mean?

For sure.

Like, it wasn't, like, a big deal. You, like, we actually wanted to spend time together. I didn't feel like I was, like, walking on eggshells. So I don't know. I think it. I think every couple is going to have kind of their. Their formula with what works in that department, but I forgot what specific age that was.

Just. It was just a rejection factor. And the rejection factor is what led me to the pouty, angry asshole at.

The same time that I was rejecting you. I definitely feel like you've gone more all in as us as a couple hundred percent.

So let's just talk about. Let's talk about where we are right now.

But what shifted in you to.

I started realizing that I.

You kind of backed off, and you weren't in, like, pouty asshole mode, but you kept coming back. And, like, you really. What I noticed for us is you just kept coming back wanting to, like, help. You're like, let's do counseling. Let's do this. Like, which for me is like, hey, he's all in. Like, I have to give him, like, some credit for trying, and maybe I need to look at myself a little bit different and see what I could do. And I'm stubborn. And so I was like, no, you shouldn't want to have sex to want to do these things for me. But that's how men operate. And it's not just about the sex. It's kind of like give and take on both sides.

Well, there's two things inside. I'm going to share three points. Point number one, There is a desire for penis and vagina. No question about it. Orgasm, want to have it. But there's also something beyond that as a man, at least for me, which was I wanted to be wanted, which means I wanted to feel like I was the prize of desire from my wife. And that's where the porn star sex idea came in, which is, like, this willingness to be all in. And it's not just like, I'm talking about the quickie. I started calling the quickie vaginal master. And there was a point inside of this in our marriage where it was. That was like, all that was available was this quickie sex where, honestly, there was even times I had to, like, move your ass. I had to grab your hips and, like, move you because you were not into it at all. It was like, I'm just doing this to help him. And I started to build up this huge resentment that supported a story. Point number two, I had a story, and my story was that my wife didn't. My wife didn't want me and didn't want sex. And I was like, maybe there's another man she's supposed to be with where she would actually be sexually activated and want to be with that man. And maybe I just need to be with a different woman who sexually would be with me in that way. So there was a story that I had playing that Danielle wasn't a sexually intimate woman. She was an ice princess. So I had a story that was running. Now we're sitting in therapy. Sex therapy, you and I. Sex therapy. Newport. Newport, California. No, no. Huntington Beach, California. Is that where she was at? Where was our therapist there?

I don't remember. We had two.

We had to. We had two. I just heard kids.

I did, too.

I forgot there's, like, kids way outside the studio. I was like. I was like, the jujitsu studio outside of our offices. Okay. I was like, oh, my God, is there kids? Like, here? Our kids are here. How the hell did that happen? So we went to therapy, and we're sitting in therapy, and I. And you say one thing to the therapist, and maybe it was the first therapist we gone to. I don't know. But you said something. You're like, I want to want you. Like, I want to get laid. I want to have sex. I want to have orgasms. And you use some terminology like that, sitting in therapy. And I'm sitting next to you when you say this. And I'm like, my story shattered because I'm like, wait a second. This is the same woman in my mind. I'm not saying that's what she ever told me. In my mind, I created a story that my wife didn't want to have sex and she didn't want to have sex with me. And that she was a. She was just one in a million, where she was the broken one who didn't sexually want to be sexualized. And she was beautiful. And this Barbie. And I called her Barbie in a box. This beautiful woman in a box who didn't want to have sex and didn't want to be touched. And yet in that moment, you shattered my story. And it came out of your mouth. And I was like, whoa. And so that led me to a whole new game, which was this idea that I could create a new way of operating as a man with my wife. I was like, wait a second. If my story that Danielle doesn't wanna have sex and she doesn't wanna have sex with me. And she's not into sex if that story's not true. Cause I just heard her say, I wanna be fucked, I wanna get laid. I wanna have orgasms. I wanna want you too. And I'm sitting there in therapy like, this does not line up with what My truth is that I've been living for like 12 years. I'm sitting right next to a woman who my story has been does not want me, does not want to have sex. And I probably need to be with somebody else. And she probably needs to be with somebody else is shattered in the middle of therapy. And from that place, I chose to change. And that's when I started dressing better. And date nights became like a. I started dressing better, I stopped putting all this weird pressure and I stopped the weirdo.

Yeah, you had less weird energy. Like, it's like I wanted to want you, but I was like, there was like a wall. Like, you wouldn't let me in. And maybe it was your story. I don't know.

It was for sure my story. My story was that I was like. My story was such that it was so powerful for me that no matter how you showed up. So that's why I would go to this weird kind of giggly sabotage, 15 year old boy bullshit. Grab your ass, pinch it. But not like in like a I'm the man way. It was like in a I'm the boy way. And you're like, why is this boy currently touching me? I'll throw one in for the team. Boy, man.

I think, yeah, your energy definitely changed and shifted. And I don't know, I noticed. I noticed. Even for you, it was like you kind of learned to hold back a little bit, which was like, sexy to me. Yeah, I don't know. Like, yeah, for sure. Energy kind of change. And so then I'm like, oh, you holding back?

My story changed. And inside of my story, our relationship sexually changed. Now we're gonna. We're gonna kind of bring this show to a conclusion. Okay, We've talked a lot about sex. We're gonna talk about sex once a month on one of the shows. Not gonna be our focus every single week. Some shows talk about sex all the time. We realize that's an issue. There's a lot of other shit going on besides sex. But we're gonna summarize this with a couple key points from today's show. First off, give them the formula. What's the formula? This is for the ladies out there. What is the formula?

Find. I don't Know, because I was just thinking, too. I have a lot of other friends and people I know that are not in the best place in their relationship.

Sure.

And some people will say, oh, I'm never having sex. Like, I'm having sex, like, once a year. And I'm like, oh, that's. That's a problem. And then there's other couples that are like, I have sex, like, every other night. And I'm like, oh, weird. But I realize it's the energy behind sex, and you have to find out the formula that works for you. And so for me, because your energy shifted and changed, I realized that I desired you and wanted you more. But not. Not as probably as much as you want me, because I'm. I think guys are. At least in our experience, like, you're more.

I could realistically have sex every other day.

Yeah. Yeah.

Every day would be too much. We've. We've pushed this. Like, it'd be too much. It's like. It's like, oh, I don't really want it every day. It kills all the tension. But every other.

I like the tension every day.

Two days to three days, four shots. Sure. And every third one has to be porn star sex.

And that's my formula with you. Like, if we go more than three days, I'm like, oh, ooh, he's. He's not pouty, but I'm like, he's getting a little edgy. And so I'm like, I need a happy Garrett. Happy Garrett. Happy marriage.

Oh, Happy Garrett, Happy marriage. Used to be happy wife, happy life. Happy Garrett.

Happy Garrett.

Happy Garrett, Happy marriage. Okay.

I realized, like, I'm like, well, I need my needs met as well. And they may not be just, like, sexual needs, but I need other areas, like, my other needs met. We can go into those later if you want. There's a book called, like, Love Languages that helps you kind of figure out your partner's good resource. Yeah. So anyway, you have to kind of find out what your specific formula is. But my formula was like, okay, don't go more than three days. And about every third time, make sure you just really give it a go.

Yeah. And when we use them, the porn star sex thing, we're not saying, like, you have to look at porn together. We've used that as a tool in the past to learn a little bit more about each other. But I'm saying I think it's just.

More than, like, a quickie. Like, it could go a couple hours. You could have foreplay. You could just. I mean, Just have fun with it. You know what I mean?

You could open up the doors in your master bedroom and allow the brisk ocean air to flow in while the waves crash, causing goosebumps to appear on your ass cheeks.

I think that you like, I think that you. Hold on. See, here's what happens.

I fucking love that night. I love porn star night. I didn't even know. I'm finding out on this show that this is actually a thing and I fucking love it. It like makes my mind fall in love.

When you do have porn star sex, they have something stored in the database that they can go back to when they need to.

Yes.

And it's with their wife.

Say it one more time.

Say it one more time.

Say it one more time.

I was just saying like, if you have really good sex, like I think for men. I don't know, I'm not.

No, I'm gonna guarantee. That's why I'm saying I think that.

Sex is just something that pops up in guys head. And if you have like really good sex, they're not like thinking about somebody else or thinking about pouring. They literally are like thinking about last night with their wife and, and they're like, that was fucking awesome. And then they're like, you know what? I think I want to take my wife on a trip or whatever. Then that puts their focus on the wife and not wandering like, oh, I wonder what it'd be like to sleep with this girl over here. So that's the benefits to women getting into it is like, you want to keep your man focused, have a good time.

And that's our formula for this week's show, which is change it up. Quickie, quickie porn star. Quickie, quickie porn star. However you play it off, you want to call it, we'll call it the Quickie, Quickie Porn Star. We'll call it the qqps.

Let's not. That's too many.

Hashtag qqps. Nah, that doesn't work out so well. So anyways, there's our formula, the second piece on this. And this is going to be my tip for the guys who wrap up today's show. Gentlemen, you have stories about your wife sexually. I had a story about my wife. She's beautiful, she's amazing. I knew all these things, but I had a story about her that she could never escape from. No matter how she behaved, no matter how she operated, no matter how much she reacted to me, no matter how much she loved me, no matter how much she tried, no matter how much effort she Put in. I held my wife hostage inside of a fucking story. And the story was, my wife doesn't want sex, isn't sexual in nature, doesn't want to have sex and be sexual in nature with me. And that must mean we're not supposed to be together. We should be with other people. Like, this story was running in the background forever. I'm gonna ask you a question on this. Could you tell, like that energetically I was a little fucking bipolar because of this story? You may not. You're just finding out about this story right now on the show, too. I don't think I've ever told you.

I didn't. I didn't know how to describe it, but that makes sense. You just shifted your story. Because I was like. All of a sudden, you just relaxed, and I wasn't. So I wasn't on. I called eggshells, right? Where you're just like, oh, is he gonna blow up or not? It was like a combination of finding the formula and you kind of relaxing that made us both just be at this, like, harmonious place, right?

No, it was like that. That harmony came down to the story change. So we have two tips inside of this. This week in our show, we have one for the women, right? Which is. We call it the. What did you call it? The formula. You didn't call it Formula.

Find your. Find your formula.

Find your formula. Okay. Find your formula. Find your formula. Right? It might be in the shower. Maybe that's your. Maybe that's your porn star.

Your formula is like, how often does your guy need to be laid? And how often do you need. Does putting on porn star sex help in your relationship? And there's no way to find out unless you test it, so it doesn't. I'm not talking about positions. I'm just saying find your formula where everybody's happy.

Might be happy in the shower.

Okay.

All right, the second piece is, gentlemen, this one goes to you. Is you're going to have to change your story. And I'm going to challenge you to investigate the story that you have about your wife inside of the topic of sex. And that the story that you're telling yourself may not be giving you the tools that you need. And if you're a man and you're looking for a little more guidance inside of this, there's an entire brotherhood of men around the globe found at Wake Up Warrior that are studying the doctrine inside of the habitual lifestyle. This is a lifestyle and also the belief system that helps shift the way I saw my marriage My business, my body, my being, and my entire life. You can pick that up and check that book up found@warriorbook.com for ladies listening to the show who have a man in their life that you'd like to start getting on this A. We'd love to have you back here on this show, but the Warrior book will be a huge resource for you. Also, you can pick that same book up@warriorbook.com and give that resource to your man and invite him to join us and take a stand into this idea of what it actually means to be a man. Now, our final idea inside of this, around this show, though, is this. Hey, I love you.

I just wanted to kiss the mic.

You. I love you. You're like, oh, I kiss you here. I kiss you. It's like doing FaceTime with the kids. I love, love you. Give a little kiss on the mic.

It's like I can hear you right there.

Yeah. Oh, you're welcome. So anyway, sex is a great for us. Like, I love it. And I sure appreciate, like, the investment you made in our sex life. I appreciate who you've become inside of that. And you know what? I love who we've become as a couple sexually.

Last thing.

Yes, go. You got something?

I got one thing.

Okay.

Women may not want to hear that. Hey, you have to have porn star sex. I'm not saying that, but I like that you touched base on, like, your story.

Yeah, the guy's fucked up story.

I know. And when you changed your story, I wanted to have sex with you. And, like, putting on, like, having good sex wasn't that big of a deal. What? Whereas before, when I felt like, awkward, intense, and I was so pissed at you, the only thing I could offer you and be like was like, was.

A hand job and a quick no.

Because I was like, I can't, like, I can't like. And I think guys would know if you weren't getting into it. And so it would. It may start with just a shift on your story versus it's my story on you or your story on me. You may have to shift your story of what you. On that topic.

Well, I think at some level you shifted your story about me too, because you think I was like a total psychopath.

I told you because I was like, oh, my God, like, guys. Do guys really want sex? You, you're almost like, oh, you're such a pervert. Why do you want sex every day? And then I was like, you know what? It's like, it doesn't have to be that Big of a deal, you know? And then I realized I'm like, if I'm being real honest, I know we're closing the show up, but I was like, if I'm being real honest, like, and we have talked about this before, I was like, you don't. You don't really need sex every day.

No, I don't need sex every day. You thought I needed sex every day?

You could, but we're both so busy. Like, you have to schedule in sex every day. Really?

I wouldn't want a sex.

But, like, every. Like, yeah, like every three days in.

Cabo for four days, I could have sex every day. Yeah, because we're on vacation, but Hawaii for seven days, I could have sex seven days. But just regular life, not having sex.

That's what I just wanted to say is, like, it starts with a. I would say a mind shift or a story change on both sides, and then from there, find out what your magic formula is.

Well, there you go. I hope and light.

Good night. This is Garrett J.

White signing off, saying love and I. Actually, one last piece. I'm gonna add to this for you guys. Not in content, which is if you'd like to participate and. Or we'd love to hear about how things are going for you. One of the biggest solutions to being able to take your marriage to another level is date night. Many of the conversations that we talk about here on this show are actual conversations that we had during not one, but many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many date nights. And if you're not going out regularly every single week with your spouse, without your children, and without any friends, just the two of you having a conversation, we would challenge you this week to not only do that, but also to begin the initial conversation of the topic of sex with one another. And if that helps, you may even just listen to this particular show or watch it together, and then afterwards begin to have a conversation about the history from where you've both come sexually, and also begin to open up. Even here in this conversation, Danielle and I have opened up some ideas that neither one of us had actually shared with each other before, too. So we're still learning and growing. And it looks like my wife has one more idea.

But I'm saying I think in the beginning, you're both going to be triggered, but you have to be in a.

Place of, like, going to be. Not. Not think 100% going to be triggered.

Yeah.

Any suggestions for this? As they go into the date night knowing they're probably going to be triggered all Couples.

I'm like, we did therapy for. For a minute, and it made it nice.

One minute. Don't downplay it.

It wasn't like.

Like, we did, like 27 sessions.

But it. But what I was saying is it creates a sounding board. So if you cannot have that conversation with your significant other where you're constantly getting triggered, if both of you are willing to go see somebody who can kind of intervene and be that sounding board for you, you might have better luck with your communication. And then when you feel like you're in a safe space where you can start to talk about it more outside of a therapist, then that may be, like, the start that you need to take.

I agree 100%. We were not doing so well. We were doing okay on the date night topic, but it was really therapy.

There was so much triggering.

So much.

It was a lot of triggering. I think we wanted to be on the same page, but we'd end up fighting and then nothing. Then you're just running in circles and nothing really progresses forward.

We have one last invitation here as part of the show. We want you guys to be part of the show with us. Now, to do that as a listener is going to come down to the following. You can hang out over@dateyourwifenow.com which is a place where we find all the show notes, tips, and tricks here. For this particular show, you'll be able to get the written version, audio, and video version of this show. You'll also be able to find a place where you can submit questions and topics that you would like us to discuss here on the show. And if you'd like, we'll even let you submit videos, audios, or emails with your thoughts, inserted ideas, or the results that you're seeing when it comes to your particular date nights. We'd love to get those from you. To get more on how to be involved in the show, head on over to dateyourwifenow.com My wife is. You're just smiling. Okay, cool. You're just smiling. And we're ending the show. This brings us to a conclusion here of episode number two of the Date your wife podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Make sure you're subscribed in itunes, Google Play, or Stitcher to the show and or following us on YouTube or Facebook by the same name. But you can gather all of that information by heading on over to dateyourwifenow.com Last Thoughts. That's it. You're just doing the smile. All right. That's it. All right. You guys have a great rest of your day. This episode is coming to a close now.