Sex, Passion & Communication | Date Your Wife | EP 117

The biggest turn on, beyond the fact that that was awesome, was the fact that as a guy, you know, that you made your wife come top three. That, like, for me, as a married guy, you're just like, that's what I'm fucking talking about.

Where did the show go? This. Where did.

Fly fly? Welcome to the date your wife podcast, where we're wearing glasses, and my wife can't seem to keep her microphone erect. That's the problem.

You know what's great about this week's episode?

What?

Your beard.

My beard? What's good about my beard? I trimmed it down. Yeah, you didn't like my beard last week. You talked so much shit about it.

You know what's so funny is I didn't even, like, in the past, I would, like, nag you and be like, ugh, like, little jabs, like, beard. I didn't say anything. I was just like, I do, like, reverse psychology now where I'm like, extra sweet and extra sexy. And then next thing I know, I'm like, oh, you want to shave the beard? Okay. If you want to.

Is this. Is this because you've learned that you get more done with sugar than you do with spice?

I have a principle in life with all things Danielle. How do you get what you want in the end? And then I'm like, and what are the steps required in between?

And I'm like, have you really. Have you really thought this way from the beginning?

No, not from the beginning. From. From.

I mean, you said you have a principle in life that you live by, and now you gave it to us. I'm just asking when you started living this.

I started living this when I. Honestly. Probably when you and I were having, like, issues and we were in therapy, and I was like, okay, I can. I. I can punish him by, like, being more standoffish and, like, not be involved and, like, do my own thing. But in the end, I don't really get what I want, which is, like, either, like, we're gonna do this, we're gonna stay married, we're gonna work on our relationship, or we're not. But either way, me being like, well, fuck him, and, like, going the other direction doesn't really help any kind of end result I'm looking for. So I think that marriage requires a level of submission in order to get what you want. And it's so interesting to talk to a lot of couples, because they're not. They're like, well, I'm like, so you want this? But then they don't want to do the Steps in between. I'm like, well, then you can have that. So maybe make a new goal so.

You get clear about what you want. Let's come back to the beard. So what did you want?

I just. I think you're a handsome man, and I don't like the beer. In fact, it's getting a little long again.

Like, it's getting longer again. Oh, my gosh. It's not. Oh, it is getting a little bit longer. I trimmed it, what, like, four days ago.

You trimmed it right after the podcast.

Oh, so it was a week ago. I trimmed it. Yeah. So we're back to the longness again. This is your nice way of saying you should trim it for tomorrow. I'm just, like, subtly bringing it up. Well, you know, it's like, I wasn't exactly inspired when he said, well, you want sex with Sean, your barber, blah, blah, blah. I was like, no, it was kind of funny. It was funny. All right, so you. You give. You came in, brought up an interesting point, which. This idea that you get clear about what you want. So let's come back to that for a moment. When you go back to the drama years. Dun, dun, dun. Did you actually know what you wanted or were you clueless? Be honest. Do not say, well, to be honest with you, because that means that you've been lying before that.

Did I know what I wanted?

Did you know what you wanted?

Yes.

I wanted a no or yes, because that's confusing. Yes, you did.

I didn't say no or yes.

She said no, and then yes.

No, I didn't. I said, is a firm yes.

Okay, firm yes.

I think that everybody knows what they want, but it's like deciding if they want that with that person.

Did you know what you wanted?

Yeah, I wanted.

What did you want? When things are going to hell in a hand basket?

I wanted that passion. I wanted to have good sex. I wanted to have good communication. I wanted to be, like, attracted to you and not.

Did you want this from the beginning?

I had this from the beginning, but then I think I. Like, I talked about it.

We had it. I don't know if we had it.

We did. On our dating.

Dating. Dating doesn't count.

But then it was like. I don't know what happened. Like, we got married and we stopped trying, and we started both working a lot. And then all of a sudden, I.

Was like, I don't know how I thought that was going to work out, this ignoring.

You know what? So I would think. I literally think back to dating, where you're like, you put in a lot of effort. Like, it's 9 o' clock at night, but you're like, you want to come over? Yeah, I want to come over. Like, you and you talk to like two in the morning, and then all of a sudden you get married. You're like, it's nine o'. Clock. You hit. You going to bed? Because I'm. I'm definitely going to bed. I got a big workday tomorrow. But when you're dating, you always have a big workday tomorrow, but you're always up till like, 2am you don't care. You're like. And it's these moments of having this conn. That's where the spark builds. And then all of a sudden you get married and you're like, well, I. I did my work. I'm out.

Do you feel like that was Mormon culture?

And it's all culture.

You think it's all cultures.

I think it's like relationships.

Like, relationship culture.

I think when you're married, you got to. You got to keep dating. But it's hard because you're like, all right, I'm in. I got it. Like, you kind of want to, like, stop the momentum. But it's like, it's like with marketing, right? With business, all of a sudden, if you stop your marketing, you, like, you might be okay for like, six months. But if you start for like 12 months, then like a year, you all of a sudden, you're like, why isn't my business working? Well, you stop marketing, weird.

You stop dating your wife weird. You stop marketing. You lose leads.

But then it's not even like you stop. You almost like, hit this place where you kind of like, you're like. There's.

You're just.

You kind of settle, and then it's like, peaceful.

But what did you want in the beginning? So I heard you say you're wanting. So you're saying, listen, we went off the path, but you were saying you wanted some things. You said you wanted passion. What is passion?

I felt like when we were dating, we had a lot of chemistry.

Like, I feel like we still have a lot of chemistry.

We do. But then there was like. That's what I'm saying. Like, when we.

So we had some natural chemistry. What do you say to people who don't have any natural chemistry?

Why are you married?

Wow.

Seriously. Like, I look at people that are like, well, I got married because he looked good on paper. I'm like, do you want to have sex with him? They're like, yeah. I'm like, but do you want to have sex with him? Like, honestly, like if there was no spark, I'd be like, I'm out. Like, honest. You. When I, when I met you, I was 18, you were 25, you drove a beat up Chevy, something with stick on hub.

It was a Dodge Spirit.

I don't know Dodge Spirit. You had a kid, like there had to be some chemistry. Like, come on.

It was the Hawaiian seat covers and.

My 18 year old and I was like. And everything on paper looked bad and said, no, this guy is not for you. Like our first, from the first time I met your family even I was like, man, this is a different experience for me.

Wow. I took my wife to go visit my family in northern Utah and our very first experience at house. Which is so funny because at the time I didn't think this was a big deal. When I think back on it now I'm like, oh my gosh, I don't know how I thought that was gonna work out, but I was being me.

You know what?

So we went to my parents house.

It's a good thing that I met you at 18. Because there was. Honestly, I, I, like, I think I.

I, you wouldn't have been down. Let's tell them what happened. Because you come to my house, it's Christmas time, Christmas Eve. We decide to get in the pickup truck with some hay bales in the back.

I thought it was the weirdest thing ever.

And we drove down dirt roads to Walmart.

I'm gonna tell you, it was a little weird. Like your family was like, hey, we need to go Christmas shopping. I'm like, it's Christmas Eve. Who goes Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve?

Obviously the whites.

And then I was like, and what, is there a mall in this town? Like this?

There was no mall.

And they're like, there's a Walmart. And I was like, cool, is there a Target? They're like, no, there's Walmart.

Target's too high end.

Yeah. So I was like, that's fine. So then I'm like, oh, should we, should we drive separate? And they're like, oh no, we got a truck. And I was like, oh, there's hay, there's hay in the truck. And they're all, oh yeah, we'll put a blanket down. And I was like, oh, okay. And then we, we, we galloped in.

Our, we galloped in our truck down the dirt roads to the back entrance to the Walmart.

And then I remember you got you.

You, I decided I wanted to buy everyone's sweats. Everybody got sweats, everybody got matching.

And I got to this where I was like, this is funny.

What you really thought was, what the fuck am I doing here?

No, I was just like, oh, they're a tight family.

We were. We are. I mean, that's how it goes. I mean, my family kind of. We didn't have money. So like for us, getting in a truck with a bunch of hay was like, okay, let's go. Buying sweats for everyone, that was a big deal.

I thought it was kind of weird, but what sold me is like, when we went back to your house that night, I remember your family brought up board games and they were just like goofy and stuff, silly. And we had fun. And I was like, oh. I was like, they're weird and funny and I like it. Like, it was just like. It was just kind of like it was fun. You know what I mean?

If you want to have game night, you come to the White House. You don't come to our house. Our house right now. We don't do game night too much. You go to Deb and Brett White's game night at my parents house growing up.

That's serious.

No, it's serious shit. Like you don't, you don't fuck around at the game night. Game night's a big deal. Everybody shows up. My sister makes game board tables right now for a living. Digital. Well side business. You honestly, Haley. All right, so we get clear about what we wanted. What you wanted was a guy who would take you to Walmart on Christmas Eve on the back of a pickup with some hay bales because you were super used to that lifestyle. Oh, man.

Man, you must add some real. You were super certain.

Man, I was so confident. I was like wearing my JNCO jeans and my, my Jinko jeans and my plaid shirts.

You've always carried yourself like, very, like, well. And I was actually talking to a friend of mine. I'm like, the hottest man in the room is the guy who is like, comfortable and confident with himself. He doesn't have to try too hard. Like he just. It's an energy, right? And I just remember like. Like when, when I would see you and you didn't even know I was watching. You carried yourself like, in a very confident way. And that's what I liked about you. I was like, that's really sexy. But. But then I. But then, yeah, well, that's true.

So one of the things that you wanted was passion, which we had some of that. You wanted sex. Now this was not a normal topic for us. This Was kind of a rough thing right out of the gate. Like, it just was. Oh, yeah. Married sex was, like, rough for us. You know, you weren't sure if you liked it. I was. I mean, it was rough, and you had birth control issues and all kinds of crazy shit going on.

Okay, I'm just gonna.

Well, I appreciate the truth is coming out 20 years later. Give it to us.

So in any kind of Mormon or Christian culture, it's like, don't have sex, don't have sex, don't have sex. And probably. That was probably a good frame for me. I'd probably had lots of sex and ended up pregnant. So it was a good frame, however, because, like, just the one thing was off the table. I had a lot of experience with other things. And the other things are. I realized I was like. I got married and had sex, and I was like, the other stuff's way better. But then.

So what you mean by other things is oral sex?

No, just, like, all the foreplay. Like, everything. I was like, man, yeah.

Like, everything.

But penetration, actual penetration. I was like, that Is it. Is it?

Did you think that it was gonna be better?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

When you're.

It's a little disappointing for you.

Yeah. But what I realized, I was like, all this stuff in between is the stuff that goes on for a while, and that's the fun part. So I was like, okay, so you.

Thought you just dropped all that part and you went straight to.

What I'm realizing is, I was like, oh, I'm. I'm. Because, like, I talked to my girlfriends, and they're like, how many men have you slept with? I'm like, one. And they're like, what? You're a fucking unicorn? I'm like, I know, but I'm like. I feel like I had lots of fun with, like, lots of fun before that. So I feel like I'm good. Like I'm complete.

You got some reps done? I got some reps, Little warmup reps. But then we kind of went to the dark zone, which is like, all those warmup reps that you had and the fact that I had had warmup reps and we still weren't really figuring it out. I don't feel like we really had our sex life dialed in at all until about three years ago, I think.

It was so good before we got married. And then. And then we had sex, and then it was like. It was just like, a lot of quickies. It was just like.

It was bad.

But then I think I, like. I was like, we gotta go back to the fun stuff.

Well, there was a lot. If I take responsibility on my side too. There was a lot of a lack of confidence on my side. I had a lot of confidence in a lot of areas, but I didn't have a lot of confidence in the bedroom. Like, I just didn't. I feel like I was like, kind of it up most of the time. Like, I didn't really know. I felt like I just didn't even know what I was.

It's a very vulnerable space for men, I'm sure. Like, I'm not a man, but like, I feel like women could pro. I could probably like jump on you and do whatever, whatever I wanted. But like, men, you're like, God, I gotta be like, I gotta be polite. I gotta be like. But I kinda want to take her. But I kind of like, like, like 100 accurate, right? Like versa woman. Like, we are. We are the most powerful person in the bedroom. We're like, yeah. Let me tell you how this is gonna go down.

Let's paint it this way, though. If. If your wife says, I want to sit on your face, there's just not a guy that's gonna turn that away. If he says, I wanna sit on your face, you're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? So I mean, it doesn't play both directions.

Please do not sit on my face.

Or like, if you ever came to. Like, if you aggressively came after me, it's like, I don't push you away. If you wake me up in the middle of the night rubbing my balls. Like, if this happens, I am excited about this. Not one man's turning this down.

You will never get turned down. I mean, I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure there's some women that get turned down. Few women who do get turned down. These guys are weirdos.

I. That is.

I don't know these guys, you know, I think they've been banished from manhood.

It's an insecurity thing.

It is.

If a man turns his wife down in bed. That's. He's not, he's. It's.

You know what, though? This actually does happen. This happens because guys get addicted to porn. Did you know this? This is actually a thing. And this also becomes a thing because guys get. Guys get erectile dysfunction.

Confident in how their body looks though, for sure.

Same situation. Guys have the same lack of confidence. So they're like, you know.

But I will tell you right now, a man, whether you're. If you don't like Your body. We don't fucking care. Like, just own it and be certain. We're like, please take me, like. But if you.

This is, you know what, you say that it turns me on. My ball stink when you say that. But let me tell you why that's a hard thing to do. Because of this weird thing that you're talking about here. This dynamic of if a woman does whatever she wants, the guy is, we're game. I mean, we're just game, right? We're like, we're game, right? We're game, Bread. We're like, we're like. We're like mastival in ufc. We're game bred. We're natural born. Let's go.

High sexual energy. Like, you. You have a very high sexual energy.

I do have a high sexual energy. This is why it was such a problem for me. I didn't really know what to do with you because I was like, I feel like you were Barbie in a box. I was like, I don't know how.

To do this, see, But I'm like, very giving. It's just like, you have to, like, you gotta. I, like, take you. Ha. I gotta really get some trust in there.

Like, there has to be some trust.

Like, I'm like, I'm here.

Which I didn't really do a good job with the trust game. So we have this one dynamic then of like, this, this back and forth weird thing. It was hard for me to approach. I approached you a few nights ago, like a week ago.

That was probably top.

Top three sexual experiences. It was last Friday after the show. It was in the middle of the night. I, you know, I woke you up in the middle of the night. That's the first time I probably woke you up in the middle of the night ever. I was feeling aggressive.

Told you. I'm like, we should have morning sex. Because I'm like, always, like half asleep, kind of relaxed. Like. Like, I feel like that would be the best time. But you always get up like 4am and I'm like a 7am or so. It's like, I'm like, you have to sleep till at least six. And you're like, I can't commit to that. I'm like, well, okay.

Well, the challenge is that I'm making love to the ocean at that time. And she puts out every single time. Yeah, today she put out real well. But let's come back. So I have made a move. I was nervous to make this move.

It's funny that you were nervous.

I was nervous to make this move.

I was actually. When you made a debate. Is that his hand?

And then I was like, I was making the move.

Snore louder, Daniel.

Oh, stop. See, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

That's his hand. Okay?

I was like, so my wife's laying there, thongs on, hanging out on top of the sheets because she's hot, but I'm not sure if this is a move. Like, I'm, like, sitting there. I know, but, like, I was awoke from my slumber, and there it is right there. And I was like, is my wife making a move right now? I was like, I was supposed to make a move. I don't know. So I had about nine seconds of debate in my mind. Finally, I. There was a piece of me that just screamed right internally, was like, fuck it. And we just went. And so I was like, you know what? I'm gonna approach this. Nice. I'm do a little massage. We're gonna see where this goes. I don't know if she's gonna respond. She could kick me. I don't know. She could punch me. She doesn't do so much.

When was the last time I turned you down?

You. It's not been a while. It's been a while. When was the last time you turn me down?

Yeah, I don't.

When was the last time I really asked, though? Well, I don't really ask. I just kind of go for it.

Yeah, I see. See.

But I used to ask all the time, and I get.

Yeah, that was weird. You can't ask. You just have to go for it.

Well, I don't. Babe, I know I didn't have it, so that's why I asked. So anyways, this is the middle of the night. I make a move. This thing goes for, like, we go for like an hour. Like, the experience is really intense. It's kind of like a dream. It was great.

What? I think I woke up and I was like, that happened?

Yeah. The next morning, you, like, leapt on to me. You were like, hey, that was top three.

It was. I literally. It was, like, euphoric.

So here's the crazy part. As a guy, right? So, you know what's. What's the biggest turn on, beyond the fact that that was awesome, was the fact that as a guy, you know. You know, that you made your wife come top three. That, like, for me, as a married guy, you're just like, that's what I'm talking about.

Go. This. Where did you took it here?

I didn't.

I didn't.

Maybe I Took it here.

I don't know.

Well, you were talking about passion sex. So anyway, so we have the sex as a topic, which we've kind of discussed now. Let's look at that. You said another thing, said passion sex. I don't remember. The third thing was intimacy.

Communication.

Communication.

Okay, so let's change about our communication, those things. Like, I felt like dating in the beginning. It's like, we had the passion, we had the foreplay, and we had the communication. I was like every. I was like in. You know how they say, like, you have the goggles on? Right? You're just, like, aloof to anything else. But I believe that, like, that's kind of how it should be. Like, when you get married, all of a sudden you're like, the things that I thought he said were cute are now annoying. And it's because you don't have those goggles on anymore because you, like, lost that little spark in that chemistry, right?

Yeah.

So you're like, how did you. You didn't like that before, but you were so in love and so infatuated, and people think, well, I'm married, so I don't have that anymore. So now all these little things bug me. And I'm like, well, you could probably work on building up that chemistry, that communication. And it. It takes. Literally, you have to go back to, like, how you operated when you're dating. There's things you say when you're dating that you don't like. Like, when you're married, all of a sudden, like, you have less of a filter, right? Even, like, you're going the bathroom, you leave the door open. Like, for dating in the bathroom. No, the door's closed. Like, keep it classy.

Well, I'll give you an example. I used to smack you in the ass all the time, and I thought it was awesome.

But not when we were dating.

Not when we were dating.

And then all of a sudden, when women get married, why does our ass belong to our husband? It's like, they walk by and they're like, my property.

Bam.

I see so many guys and you're like. And girls, like, might be like, huh? But at some point you're like, I stop fucking smacking my ass.

I start, listen, your ass is better looking now than it's ever been. You've been working at it real hard for the past year and a half. Well done. And I can tell you, I don't do ass smacking. You know, I don't do ass smacking because, you know.

You know what is more sexy Is like, when I, like, come in in my cute workout outfit this morning, and you, like, you can't even focus, and you're like, hey. And I'm like, hey. And I'm like, I own him. But you don't smack. It's not like I walk by and you smack me on the ass. And you're like, have a great run, babe. You're literally like, oh, shit, that's my wife. And I'm like, do you know what.

I used to do, too? When I was like, I would look at you in that environment, and my mind was so sexually triggered, all I could think about was having sex. So I'd be like, oh, yeah. And so then I come and try to, like, grow, grope you, kiss you, hold you, and you're like, get off me. What the fuck? I'm going for a run. So now you know what I do. You know my triggers. The trick is now I get sexually triggered. And then I do. I hold it all back. I hold it all back, and I feel the buildup. It's like my factory workers start going, what the overtime? I was like, you get yourself ready.

You hold it all back, and then.

You are a holder backer.

I know how to have a good time.

This is another thing about guys, though, is guys. Like, a lot of guys. I know I was one of them because a girl can go forever. Like, a girl could go forever. Like, in theory, you could go for two hours, three hours, four hours. I mean, that's a lot of work. But, like, you could go and like, even if you came, even if you came, you could still go.

Yeah.

With guys, it's kind of this, like, what if I come? I come too soon. And so you get a lot of guys that are also paranoid about this because they're coming so quickly. I was one of them. I didn't think this was just a me thing. There's a lot of guys. Like, guys don't expect to be really in the game for longer than about two minutes. No, seriously, you're giggling because that's where I used to be.

Why don't you just, like, stop and switch positions?

Yeah, well, we try. Yeah. That's the thing, though, is, like, if you get, like, a lie, like, a lot of the guys that we have talked to over the. You have a couple different issues right now. Number one, in the 40s, you got. I've got guys with erectile dysfunction. That's a stressful situation for both people involved. That means guy can't get a hard on. All right. Unless he takes a pill, gets a shot.

That would suck as a guy.

Yeah, that's. It's super like. And the crazy part, a lot of them are guys who are big muscles, big fitness, a lot of cycle steroids and different issues that cause a problem. Some of it's just like, shit, stop working. Which caused some issue. You got people disabilities, but you have this bigger disability, which is disability of the mind. So a lot of guys are paranoid. They want to please your wife, they want to be sexually taken. But it's also a weird thing because if I'm sexually. If you aggressively sexually come after me, I. I got Nothing more than 43 seconds for you because you're just. If you're in my ear and howling and doing the thing and talking dirty, I'm like, God, fucking keep going. Except for the fact that inside you're like, I can't last. I got nothing. She's come at me with all single. She's come at me with the audible. She's come at me with the visual. She's coming at me with the physical. She's coming at me with the spiritual. She's coming at me with the psychological warfare. I am literally being so stimulated, I can't even keep it in anymore. So then the challenge becomes, you're like, I only last 45 seconds. But then. Then I found my superpower.

Okay, I know, I know, I know your superpower, babe. Let's not share too much on the show.

So this is.

I like to think of it as my superpower.

It is your superpower. I like to think about it as my superpower. Okay, I like where you're going with that. All right, so let's bounce a bit here from the sex topic over to the what I want, because that was one of the things that I wanted. I tell guys about my non negotiable list. You know about my non negotiable list.

I don't know about your non negotiable list.

Stop it. Don't pretend like you're being silly like that.

I don't know.

2016, we're having conversations is what led us to, like, the big war that ended all wars that led us to therapy.

I don't remember your non negotiable list.

Well, let me remind you about our non negotiable list. So I started asking. So here was the thing. I was. I was sharing a guy, one of my. One of my buddies teaching trains a bunch of people, and he said, hey, man, what do you tell guys who are having a hard time with the sex topic. And I said, well, I said, you got to do a couple things. He said, number one, the guy's got to admit that sex matters, right? Did sex in our marriage matter to you? I don't know. I'm asking you right now. I mean, I think it did, but I don't know where you're at.

It did, but I, like, lost trust in you, which then I was like, not willing to give myself to you. So I was like, well, nope, like, but it definitely creates like the goggle eyes. I'll just say that.

Okay, so. So.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like when you're date, like, literally, like when you're dating, you're like, you're like, dude, like all your friends, like, he's this, this and this. And you're like, I don't know. Because you got like the goggles on.

Yeah, you don't see. Okay, so sex mattered. If sex. Okay, so here's the first piece, right? So first thing is acknowledging a sex matter. Second piece is, is it non negotiable? Meaning can the marriage go forward if sex is not an active party relationship? Would you have been okay with a non sexual relationship?

But I think for a girl that's like, that's kind of, that's something that I really. Look, I would like.

I think as a guy, that's something I really would like too.

No, I think that I know some women that they're okay with it. They have marry older guys or they're married to get taken care of, and they value that more than chemistry. And I'm like, but do you.

So do these women, do these women actually have sex or are they masturbating with vibrators?

I don't know. I don't ask them.

You don't have direct conversations about this? No, you don't just ask them, hey, how do you. Do you have sex with your older man?

I do. I. I have had conversations. And I'm like, does that bug you? And they're like, yeah. And I'm like, but, but, but my theory is they value being safety and security more than they do security more than sex. Whereas I'm like, sorry, I want it all. Because I think I got to this place in our relationship where I was like, I can take care of myself. Like, I don't care. And I would rather. I mean, I don't know, I kind of. I wanted both, I guess. I don't know.

So this is the second piece, right? Which is, is it non negotiable? So I Got to a point in our relationship, too, where our sex life had become so, like, just dysfunctional for both of us. I just got a point. It's like, I cannot endure this way longer. It matters to the point that I would end this marriage if we don't fix this, which is what ultimately led us to therapy, led us to a whole bunch of other things, right? And I realized I had a history of fucking this up, right? I did a lot of things to create distrust, and I showed up in ways. For the first 10 years. It caused all kinds of issues, too.

We shared this before. Like, you had a little mini affair, like, 10 years ago, but it wasn't even that. I think that the reason I didn't have trust in you is I felt like you were always pushing me away. You're always like, you should date other men. You should do this. I want a divorce. Like, anytime we'd get in a fight, you were like, we're fucking not gonna make it. And I'm like. I'm like, I need you to understand, like, you're. You're the one that fucked up. But I realize I played a role in that, and I want to work this out with you, but I can't if you're, like, dangling the carrot in front of me and keep every other fight or conversation we have, you're like, I'm out. I'm like, I need stability. I need you to say, you're all in. I need you to fucking work on this with me. And I think we had, like. There was, like, probably, like, four or five years where I just felt, like. Literally, I was like, I just need you to be all in. Like, I need you to commit. You want my trust. You want my sexual vulnerability. Like, I need you to be all in with me in this moment.

I wasn't. I mean, I didn't realize I wasn't, but I think I did realize I was. Like, there was a piece of me that wasn't. I think. You know what was interesting? I think about you saying, me pushing you away. I did this. Like, I did this a lot. And I know a lot of guys who do the same thing. They do the pouty push away, but.

Then when you would do it, I would kind of retreat, too.

It was bad.

It created a. I would wait till you were, like, so far. Like, just. I visualize it like, you were so far, just, like, literally, like, dangling off the cliff. And then I was finally like, okay, fine, here's my hand. I'll bring you back up. Like, I would I. You would push me away, but then I would push you away even further until I was like, oh, crap.

Well, I hit, like, the dark zone where I was, like, out. There were a couple of times I hit the dark zone when I was out, and you pulled us back. Like, I'd be sleeping in a different room in the house, and you'd show up in the middle of the night and have sex with me. And then I'd be like, oh, I guess everything's okay. Even though we'd been, like, two weeks.

Of chaos, but secretly, like, I knew. I. I was. I was like. I knew that that would, like, get us some bias some time. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't necessarily think that fixed the problem, now that I think back to it, but I was like. I felt like we were, like, on such a fine line that I was like, all right, I gotta pull the sex card. Because, like, worse, like, you. You go to this place where you. You close.

You're like, I shove people.

You shut people. Like, you're like. You're fucking.

People are dead to me.

And I don't do that as much because I'm like. I don't, like. I don't like that weight that it carries. So I'm like, the type of person that's like, you're not dead to me, but this isn't gonna work. Like, whatever, but you. I felt like it was like a garage door, and it was almost closed, and I had, like, a window where I could slide in before it completely closed off. Because, like, once you close off, like, you just. You internalize it, and you're just. You just are like, you're dead to me. You're fucking dead to me.

Yeah. I mean, that's a pattern.

Yeah. And I saw you do that with, like, friends and relationships, and I was just like, that's. That's scary. Like, I don't know. Like, now I feel like you're a different human being. But there was a while where I was like, garrett, you keep pushing people away, and. And you kept pushing me away. And I was like. I felt like I had to fight to break the cycle. I'm like, no, no. Like, whether I'm stubborn or scared or whatever it was, I was just like, no, we're. This is your. This is not happening.

I didn't really know what to do with the fact that a lot of my narratives and storylines were being completely shattered between 2016, 17. There were all these stories I had about myself, about Danielle, about our marriage, about our life. About what we were up to, what we weren't up to. And I just kept. There was this fantasy in my mind that there was this magical place I was gonna arrive where the guy that I was was going to magically have the woman that I thought I should have, being the guy that I was, which was like pure fucking fantasy, because there's no possible way I could have the woman that my wife is now. If Danielle was who she is now and I was who I was in 2016 and we dated, we'd have hung out once or twice and probably be done, like, legit. Like, probably because that guy then would have no idea how to engage and be in a relationship with a powerful woman. Like, I was still trying to figure that out even in 2016. So, you know, fast forward five years and another baby. Like, I obviously figured that piece out and there's a dance and a game to it that we had to really come to terms with. But that all started with me, right? So this whole thing, the third piece in that equation, when he was asking, well, how do you help guys that are, you know, we're having a problem with sex in their marriage? And I said, one, does sex matter? Two, is it a non negotiable meaning? Is a relationship make or break if it doesn't happen? 3, what are you doing to show up in a way such that the problem even originated?

Do you feel like. I feel like powerful men, like, even we were talking to my brother this last weekend and he's going through divorce and he's dating this girl where I was like, I don't know, she kind of like, she seems sweet, but, like, kind of a pushover. Like, you need. You need like a more powerful woman. But he's so controlling, right?

Yeah, most powerful guys are controlling and they don't want somebody who can battle.

They say what they want, but it contradicts, like, what they do. I'm like, okay, you want somebody to kind of, like, be sweet and kicking ass, but, like, you also don't want that. So I think it takes a little a level of submission for a powerful man, too, to be like, this is what I want. And here's what I'm.

Here's.

Here's. And I need a kick in the ass. And I'm willing to do this because ultimately I think a spicy woman will actually make her man be a better man. And a hundred percent men are scared to have a kick in the ass. And I'm like, I need you to understand, like, this woman might actually. You think you're like, powerful. Like, imagine you being even more powerful. Right. So that's kind of how even how I look at you. And I, like, I expect a lot, but I think me pushing you and you pushing back is how we've gotten to where we are as a couple, as our business owners. And everything else is because it's this level of, like, pushing one another and then kind of like submitting a little bit.

That's 100% submission. Right. You can't have two alphas sitting in the same tent. Two alphas headbutt and go after each other. Right. So you have powerful men who are used to being alpha and then again a relationship, and they have a woman who's rising in power, which is happening to a lot of women, because women empowerment is a big thing, has been a big thing since the launch of Frozen.

If you're a powerful woman, I still want to be taken care of. I want a man who can produce as much, if not more. I want a man who opens the door for me, who takes me out, like, who treats me like a woman who doesn't.

But that requires. But that requires you to become, you know, submissive to that.

And I feel like I do that. Like, there's times where I'm like, oh, I can do this on my own, but I'm like, hey, babe, can you help me? Because then ultimately, I'm like, what do I want in the end, Danielle? And then I'm like, okay, well, I should use Garrett because he's really powerful in this area. Maybe with business or whatever it is, I'm like, hey, so it takes, even for me, like, submitting sometimes a business and being like, I could do this on my own, but I'm kind of stressed, and I kind of want to be a mom, so why don't I, like, allow my man to come in and do this role inside here? You know what I mean?

That same revolver still has to happen for guys. This is why powerful guys have a hard time being powerful women. Because there are times where you're in pure alpha. And in pure alpha, if I stay in pure alpha, it's trouble. Which means I have to actually submit down to beta, whatever you want to call it, which is I actually drop down to feminine. You rise up in masculine.

Then the.

And the flow still. The detraction's still there, though.

Yeah. But no, I was going to say, for even, like, you know, alpha women, if. If the guy doesn't kind of. If you submit too much, we're like, oh, it's kind of A turn off.

But there's a give and a take, right? Because when you're in powerful business mode or you're in powerful get shit done mode, there's a ton of masculine intensity that comes through you. And when that happens, if I'm in that energy. And I bet. And that was our problem constantly. So you were coming, I would come back from the office. You come back from the salon. You were in alpha mode. I was in alpha mode. And then we come together. Neither one of us would submit. You wouldn't submit. I wouldn't submit. So the more we would headbutt, the more the war would just continue. And then they would lead to this.

Place of like, still have like little. Little jabs here and there. But I think that's why it's. I think it's hard for us even to like, talk about business together. Like, we'll go over, like, small details, but then it's kind of like, okay, like, we just like, hang out and talk about, like, whatever, you know what I mean? We don't. Like, we used to talk about business all the time when we were on date nights. And then I was like, God, this I just need to unplug. And so now we kind of have.

Fun and we go back to just dealing with us. It's like not talking about the kids all day.

But then it's funny because people will be like, what is your husband? And I'm like, wow, he's got these apps.

Boy.

And he's got the Sinkholed Warrior.

He's got the Sinkhole Warrior. He likes to wear glasses. And he's quite a great catch in the bed. That's why I got him.

That's exactly what I say. It's.

He makes some money. I don't exactly know how. He might be a drug dealer.

No, I always talk you up. I just am always like, yeah, he has this program. You should check it out. It's like a 90 day thing. And they're like, what is in the 90 day thing? I'm like, stuff, guys. Trust the process.

What do you think? I actually do.

What do you think? I actually. Mine is so much easier to describe.

No, it's not. I am just more invested in yours. So that's why I know.

No, people are like, actually, I actually. I will say that people. People don't actually know how successful I am. Like, oh, she has a salon and this cute. She's. She owns a salon in Laguna. And that's so fun. I'm like, that's good.

Yeah, you did 10,000 last year. Good job.

I did 10,000. I don't care. I mean, I care, but I don't care.

But. Yeah, but mine's much easier to describe. What I described you are multi, multi, multi, multi, multi.

Seven figure, and I have a hairline pushing eight figures.

All right, so listen, you. You have done some big shit in your world. I've done some big shit. And the biggest thing we did was keep our marriage together. Of all the things we could have done that would have been lifelong and legacy building and eternally impacting, it was keeping us together. Isn't it crazy sometimes you think about the fact that we had not gotten this little baby? Isla would not be.

She's so cute. I thought about having another one, and then I was like, you done?

Are you done?

I don't know.

You're so non committal with this.

I know.

Why are you so non committal?

I feel like it's like one of those things. It's like God's like, if you want, great. If you don't, that's fine too.

I'm like, like, if you had to make a decision right now, if you had a decision right now, like, five.

Seconds, part of me is like, it.

Would you say yes or no?

And right now, part of me is like, let's just not protect and see what happens.

You know? Exactly.

I'm like, very planned out, and I'm.

Like, I know you say don't protect and not happen, and I don't pull. We are forgetting pregnant, but then we'll.

Probably have a girl. I want to be strategic.

There's no. You're gonna have to go buy a male dog if you want to do that, because there's no way you're gonna.

Be able to buy a meal. Come on, go buy a meal. Okay.

They say at the end of the. When the guys get older, they only make boy. Only make girls.

Yeah. Your sperms are dying off, babe. Need you to man up those sperms.

I am manning up as far as all I can create is women anymore.

No, I think. I think you have a higher female sperm count. I don't really know how it works, but I was thinking we could, like, we could. We could pick out the boys.

Oh, you just want to put it on a plate, and we'll just separate them out.

Take a syringe.

You're gonna do it yourself.

I'm like, that one looks like a boy. Get him.

They're not ants. They're not ants on the table. Come on, now. They're not that Big if they were. That'd be intense.

I don't know.

All right, so dating. Date your wife. Listen here. We're gonna wrap this show up with the following idea right there. There is a point inside of your relationship where you're going to have to get clear about what you actually want. Like, you personally, not you as a couple, you individually. What do you actually want? Number one. Number two, what are you willing to sacrifice to get it right? What are you willing to sacrifice to get it?

A lot of people are not willing to make that sacrifice. And I'm like, if you found out the person you were going to be on the other side, you'd sacrifice all day long.

Wow. It's impressive.

It is. It's impressive. We are. You're impressive.

You're impressive. All right, you guys, your squawk game's been impressive.

I. I'm winning in life.

Do you know what's funny? When we do this podcast on date night when it's been a few days and there's been some close, close encounters but no actual touchdown scored. It's not that. It's just there's a sexual tension on the show that I think is palatable. You cut it with a knife. We'd have people send in response details if that's what they're hearing. But we don't have a live show, the audience, and we don't actually track anything. We just put the show on. We hope you like it.

We actually come in half the time when we don't have a topic, but I feel like we always add value.

I always add value. All right, so we're gonna wrap this show up. Get clear. Let me. Let me summarize it, okay? One, get clear about what you want. Two, what are you willing to sacrifice? Number three, inside of that sacrifice, who must you become to get what you want? Notice process, right. What do I actually want? What am I willing to sacrifice? And who must I become in that sacrifice to become the person who where that would be normal and natural. This was a question I asked myself. I was talking about in a training today with our Wake Up Warrior Challenge graduates of challenge number eight. Side note, if you have not checked out the wake of Warrior Challenge, you can enjoy and get any value from this show. And you're feeling like, hey, I'd like to know the practical side, how they actually pulled this off. And not just us constantly talking about sex, which I love that my wife is in that position in life now where she likes to talk about as much as I do. That was not the case for a long ass time. If you'd like to figure out how to get your wife to also want to talk about sex all the time with you, well, go to wakeupwarriorchallenge.com we run a 42 day training. It's $100 investment. You're gonna have all of our app suites downloaded to your phones. You're gonna get access to all the curriculum of the warriors way. It used to be $10,000 just to begin the process. Now fully available to you for $100 it is. At the end of this 42 day challenge, there's an opportunity to continue with us or to continue on on your own. So check that out. Wake up warriorchallenge.com now, the three things, what do I want? Two, what am I willing to sacrifice? And three, who must I become? And that was the question we were talking about in today's graduation Wake up Warrior Challenge 8. Which was, who are you going to have to become to be able to pull this off? Where the things that you say you want are normal and natural in your body, in your being, in your balance, in your business. Our marriage right now is a function of an impossible game that I took on with Danielle almost eight years ago to restore our marriage and put it back into a place of trust and responsibility and power and connection, sexuality, communication, intimacy. It was impossible. Who we are today as a couple, impossible based upon where we were and who we started in and the pit that we were in in 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011 to get to this place. Impossible. Our economic games across all of our businesses, the way that our family dynamics work, the way that our money works, the way that our life works. Impossible. But the greatest thing about playing inside of the warrior system is the ability for you to turn the impossible into the possible. So check that out. Wakeaboardchallenge.com and right now, I'm gonna go head off to date night, hit some balls.

Should we hit balls or go ride bikes?

Hit. Oh, really?

Well. Cause yeah, I need clubs. We need clubs.

Riding bikes are fun. We'll go do that too. All right, we're out. Have a great week, guys. We'll talk to you next week here on Date your wife, the podcast, and I might even have my glasses then.