The Importance of Emotional Connection in Marriage

Yeah, I would say I'm good like two to three times a week, but.

I know you're good two to three times a week, but do you just think about it like It's Tuesday, it's 10 o' clock in the morning? Like, if you're in the middle of.

A productive day and you're like, a thought comes up and you're like, shit, I got stuff to do. I can't be thinking about that.

Have you had this happen?

It happens all the time.

Okay, tell me the last time.

I'm not going to. It's always like random times. Like, I'm sure it is for a guy. Like, you're getting your eyelashes done. You're like, why did I just think about having sex right now? I'm laying here getting. There's nothing sexy about this.

Were you thinking about having sex with the eyelash girl?

No. I think it's because your eyes are closed and you don't have something. You don't have a phone and you're not being entertained and simulated. So immediately my mind in the blankness, I'm either like, what am I going to have for dinner? Or should I have sex right now?

Welcome to date your wife podcast where my wife gets me boat shoes unnecessarily in Italy, and then I wear them for the next six. Six years straight.

Hey, you know what? You know, it's funny. You fought me, so that's actually a good topic. You fought me so hard on. I would say I watched you so hard. You fought me so hard. I did not say.

I thought you're going right off the reservation. I was like, I did that too. But I was like, all right, it. We're going straight there. Right away, I was just thinking one more time, I. What?

You fought me good.

Well, everyone, including me, heard the other.

And I have a little. I got a little bit of botox in my upper lip and so I actually can't drink out of a straw right now.

Oh, wow. Well, good thing I'm not a straw.

I can't do that either.

Can you drink out of a hose?

Dang it. Can't do that either.

Okay, so let's talk about these bow shoes for. For real. You were. You were pushing me to get these shoes. We were in Italy, in Europe, in 2017. I still have. These are six year old shoes.

I know. We should probably get you a new pair.

No, there's nothing wrong with them. Well, they're a little worn out on the tail. All right, they're a little worn out, but I like them. You pushed me to get these shoes. I think they were stupidest shoes that had ever been created. And now you're trying to. I'm looking like I'm. I'm a gay man, which I have nothing wrong with being a gay man, except for I'm not that style.

You have a. You associate being gay as having style. Like, you can't be straight and have style.

Why is it the guys associate that.

No, it's not.

Guys associate high style with gay.

Because there are certain guys that care about fashion and style, and there's certain guys that they just don't care. So they don't see the value.

90% of guys.

No, I'd say 90% straight guys don't care. Like. Like, a lot of gu. Are very, like, fashionable. You're like, there's, like, there's levels to fashion. So there's, like, guys who are, like, fashionable, but they don't want to spend the money on it. And then there are guys that, like, are really fashionable. Borderline gay style, like, love shopping. And then there's guys like you. No, fashion and don't. Does not see the value in spending the money. But then that's why you should hire somebody or have a wife that's like, wear this.

I did. I hired a wife.

You hired a wife.

You're my hire.

She can't drink out of a straw.

She can't drink out of a straw. Good thing I'm a hoes. So listen, this. This boat shoe thing was interesting because it. It's actually a symbol to a lot of how our life has gone, which is like this game of one of us doesn't want to do something, the other one pushes for it to happen. And then the person who was rejecting.

And you love your boat shoes.

Yeah. And I pushed you to do a podcast.

I just need you to buy more boat shoes.

You remember what you remember when. Remember when we started the podcast back in 2018, you weren't exactly a fan of doing the podcast.

You thought it was really say that. Like, you bring it up. Like, I was, like, resisting you so hard on doing a podcast.

You came to me and you said.

Hey, we're gonna start a podcast called Big Money Stylist. That was actually the first podcast we launched. And I was like, what, now everybody and their dog is doing a podcast? But then it wasn't really. A lot of people weren't doing it. And not only that, I was like, I'm a hairstylist. Hairstylists don't have podcasts. But you're like, no, we're doing it. So we started it. But I actually. It's funny. I was on my YouTube channel yesterday, and I'm like, wow, I have become a way better communic, communicator and speaker by doing a podcast. Prior to that, I did a lot of, like, teaching, but I. I was. When I watched those little podcasts, I'm like, I could barely articulate a message. You know what I mean? It's almost like I felt like I was talk. Watching myself talk in slow motion.

You were. I was having to extract it from you. Now you're just like.

But you're talking. It wasn't like you. I didn't really. It's not like I was, like, really fighting on you. I just didn't see the purpose of it. You're like, we're gonna do it. So I think a lot of times in relationships, it's like, you don't see the purpose of it, but you do. So I kind of submitted to, like, well, let's give it a. Let's give it a go.

Yeah, I didn't see a purpose in the boat shoes, but now I got them. I got the boat shoes. I didn't see a purpose in the. In the fancy pants, but I see those down.

You love your fancy pants now. Now everywhere we go, like, you get more compliments than I do. And I'm like, you're welcome.

Is that hard for you?

And then you're still like, but don't buy me any more clothes. I'm like, okay.

It's my way of resisting. It's like when you tell me, oh, I'm too tired. I need to go to sleep. What I know you're really saying is, please push. Cross the line. I'd like to have an orgasm.

Hey, you know what? That. No, but that is true. I think. I think a lot of times that women will say, like, I'm too tired. But really, I've. I've always told you I'm like, I am too tired. But, I mean, you can wake me up. That's always been my. I'm like, but you can wake me up.

Yeah.

Unless I'm, like, physically, like, sick or whatever. Then I'm like, I am too tired, am sick, and go away. Like, it's a hard. No, but otherwise, if I just say I'm too tired, it's kind of like a maybe. It's just. It's like the universal maybe for a girl. She says, I'm too tired, it means a maybe. But guys immediately Feel shut down.

How many times a week do you get horny?

Really? That's where we're going.

How many times? Well, you start off with fucking you so hard. So I was like, we might as well go there. I was like, all right, well, I mean, you're just getting aggressive. I thought we could talk about some really quality things, but now you want to talk about fucking. So here we go. How many times you get horny every week?

I don't really think about it.

You don't have a conscious. Like, you're not just, like, sitting there and you're just like. Your nipple rubs against your bra. Weird.

I don't know how it works for guys, but, like, it's.

I'll tell you here in a minute how it does, but you tell me how it works.

The wind blows and the guy's ready to go. I'm assuming that's how.

We're not that easy.

Okay.

All right. We're that easy. Okay.

Yeah. I would say I'm good like two to three times a week, but.

I know you're good two to three times a week, but do you just think about it? Like, it's Tuesday, 10 o' clock in the morning.

In the middle of a productive day, and you're like. A thought comes up and you're like, I got stuff to do. I can't be thinking about that.

Have you had this happen?

Happens all the time.

Okay, tell me the last time I'm not gonna do.

It's always, like, random times. Like, I'm sure it is for a guy. Like, you're getting your eyelashes done. You're like, why did I just think about having sex right now? I'm laying here getting. There's nothing sexy about this.

Were you thinking about having sex with the eyelash girl?

No. I think it's because your eyes are closed and you don't have something. You don't have a phone and you're not being entertained and simulated. So immediately my mind in the blankness, I'm either like, what am I gonna have for dinner? Or, should I have sex right now?

Wow. That's just like a guy.

I feel like we're more, what should.

I have for dinner? Then we think about sex. Okay.

I'm also like, what should I wear tonight? Did I pack? But then there's like. I feel like in these. There's these moments where, again, you don't have anything to distract you. My eyes are closed. I can't go anywhere. I'm getting my lashes done. So immediately it's like, I think about food, shopping or sex.

Well, it's good sometimes.

My kids, I like them too.

Yeah, well, I. Okay, so you're admitting that you do. Is it every day?

Yeah. But it's like, you don't entertain it usually. Like, I. I wonder if a guy entertains it. More. Like, for me, I'm like. I almost was like, oh, it's just. I'm getting my eyelashes done, like, because it got real weird and intimate, so I immediately, like, push the thought away. I don't know how that works for men. I'm sure if you're in the middle of doing a webinar or a zoom with a bunch of guys and that pops up, like, you're not going to sit there and entertain it. You're like, I've got to focus. I'm training 50 guys or whatever.

Like, guys are getting horny while hanging out with other guys.

No. Like, the thought pops into your head in the middle of a work day. What do you do?

If I'm with. If. With a.

My.

If I'm with guys?

Yeah.

Never happens.

If you're trading.

I mean, I'm not sitting looking at my guys and saying.

That's what I'm saying. Like, the thought never comes in your head when you're, like, working.

Oh, yeah. About you.

Yeah.

Oh. Were you thinking about me?

I was just thinking about sex.

You paused and gave it all away. You're like, no, you were not. In my fantasy, the eyelash girl was. It's all right. It's all right. Listen, it's way more acceptable. Why is it more acceptable for women to be sexually drawn to women, but not guys to be sexually drawn to guys? Like, if I came to you, but you know, AK's hot as hell. I was thinking about fucking them. Like, it is. If I think of this in my brain, I'm like, gotta be. He probably looks good with his clothes off. But girls can look at girls and be like, oh, yeah, she's. Or like, if we're drunk and I kiss ak, that would be weird. It's weird. But if you're drunk and you kiss, you know, Jess, or you kiss somebody else or you kiss any. It's not weird.

I think it's more accepted. It's. It's more accepted. I don't know if it's not not weird. It's just more accepted. I think it would be really weird if we got drunk and you kiss ak.

I'm like, get over here, you son of a.

It's more acceptable for girls. Like, oh, we got Drunk.

You're not. Like, it's not. That's a double standard. Like, you're never gonna be like, oh, they're just drunk guys doing what you're doing.

Like, women are like, we.

Did he just grab. Did you just grab ak's ass? He's like, he did.

Women are, like, more flirty, especially when they drink, and they're just like, ah. Like, they don't. It's more of, like, a playful thing, I would say. It's like, I don't know you. Like, you could wake up and be like, oh, I kissed you. That was so funny. And the guys were like, that was awesome. And the girl's like, yeah, it was a peck. Like, whatever.

Yeah, okay. All right. So needless to say, there's a lot of different ways of looking at this game of sexuality. And there's also.

I swear, there's like, one in every third podcast is just directly about sex.

You know, because that's how much everybody's thinking about it.

Really?

Yeah, we were. I just ran an event here just last weekend. You got approached by a guy at our event, and what do you tell you? Don't use his name. Don't use any situation. Just, like, tell you.

Well, the first thing he said, he's like, can I ask you a question real quick? And I was like, not going to be real quick, but yeah, that shoot. And he was like, why? What did he say? He said, why do women in trap it set you up to get trapped or something? I don't know how he verbish it.

I was like, trap you?

Why do they. Why do women trap you? And I was like, I don't know. Like, tell me more, you know? So he was talking about. He was just talking about his wife and. And a situation they had been in recently. He's like, if you buy me a navigator, then I'll. She basically was like, if you buy me a navigator, then I'll be more attracted to you, or whatever it is. And he's like, I bought her a navigator. Nothing changed. So I'm continuing to ask him questions to try to figure out, like, the root of the problem. And I'm like, how often do you have sex? He's like, we had sex three times last year. I was like, last week. Last year. I was like, oh, the problem's not the navigator. So then we kind of kept talking anyways. We didn't have a lot of time because it was the end of the event, but I was like, ooh, I gotta dig a little bit deeper to find out what the, the issue is.

What's your initial thought when you hear a woman?

Well, I said to him, I said, if you're not having sex, I said, if. I said, even when things were like crappy for Garrett and I, it was never, it was like, like the longest we went was like two weeks. I'm like, so if you're in a place and you're still married, I'm like, how is that not a red flag that you need to like get out of that relationship? You're our. And and then we went down like talking more and he got really emotional about his kids and he's like, I don't want to break up my family, which as a mother, like I completely understand and myself operated space for a while. And I was like, yeah, but I can promise you if you're only having sex three times a year, that your relationship's not great and your kids probably actually want to see you happier with somebody else. And so you never, I think that you know, whether you're a man or a woman, it, it doesn't matter. Like, people know when you're like, you radiate if you're happy or if you're not. Do you know what I mean? Your kids are going to see that. So that's kind of how I, I, I ended, not end of the conversation, but I was like, hey, like, that's not okay. Like that should be a non negotiable for you. As for her too, I'm like, so like, if you're in a relationship where that's happening, like, you should not be married. And if you continue to stay married only having sex three times a year, like, that's, that's just sad. And it's not. You're almost being selfish by like to your kids, by not allowing to move on and give yourself happiness and have your kids see that.

You know what I'm surprised by? I'm surprised by maybe it shouldn't surprise me, but it does surprise me at the volume of women who cheat right now.

Really? Is it more, is it more talked about?

It could be maybe they were cheating as much in the past, but it just seems way more, it seems like.

I think the standard is like, it's been okay for men to cheat and now the awareness that women are cheating has maybe been being brought.

I think women were cheating before probably.

But like, obviously because a guy, a guy in certain cultures, like you cheat. Like, like, like even the women know, they're like, yeah, my man cheats. I don't care. Like they. Not that they don't care, but that's accepted in whatever in that culture. Yeah, you know what I mean?

A lot in Latin culture.

Yeah, that's what I was just thinking of.

Yeah, a lot of machismo. Yeah, it is. I mean it's kind of a standard that the women stay home, take care of the kids and men go out.

And party because they go out and hunt and party, party. Like if they happen to sleep with another woman, they're like babe. But she didn't mean anything. Well then why. It's like it's more acceptive versus I think when, when women cheat it seems like a bigger deal because if they cheat it's more of an emotional thing. If they cheat, it's cuz they're not being. Their needs are not being met at home. They're not maybe being like seen or heard or whatever things. So women I think are more likely to go out and date and then cheat. Whereas men, I feel like would be more just like, hey, I was out at a bar and I somebody, you know.

So my microphone broke. I took it off there. It's all right, we're rolling with. I'm just going to hold it like this now. It's more comfortable. Like this looks cool. I'm just like right here. Yeah, yeah, I'm shouldn't right now. I just, I was fucking around with it trying to get it tightened up and it fell off. So here is, here's an interesting piece with though like women cheating, I believe it's happening more and more because men are becoming powerful.

How is it that's I singing. How is it not a wake up call to men then like why is it like this is the big conversation you buy and you and I have had lately is like it's not okay anymore just for the guy to be the provider. Do you know what I mean? And that's why women are cheating. Because they're like, hey, like I, like I have needs, like I want like. And they might even be like I don't know how it happened. Well yeah, your needs weren't being met, you weren't emotionally being taken care of. And so somebody came along the line. You entertained flirting, you entertained dating, you put yourself in a vicarious situation and you cheated. Like that's how that happened. Are you really questioning and confused with how that's happening? So your mic's broken now it's fixed.

Keep going.

So that I'm a savage. I, I think as much as you, I think that you and I are in this Phase of, like, waking up together or individually and collectively. But also it's kind of like getting the old traditional roles of Western society to not operate in the same way of relationships. You know what I mean? And it's. To me, it's like a blend of, like, what, What? Like, things that are working, like, go off of what's working. That both the. The husband and the wife both get their needs met in order to create a great relationship.

No. Well, women are cheating for a lot of reasons. Let me give you some. You ready?

I just told you why. I know you're not being emotionally seen or heard.

I think it's more than that, really. And I think it's more than that. I think women are. I think women are also being taught, trained and educated to constantly upgrade, like, upgrade mentality. Right. If you look at the. Like the. The propaganda and the drive, they've been doing all kinds of different interviews of women, young women in their 20s, women in their 30s, women in their 40s, about what women are after and what they're searching for. And the standards are interesting because there's unrealistic expectations from both directions. For example, a man. Most men have the expectation that their wives would look like you after four children. Now, may not be. Exactly. But I mean, like, lose a baby weight, be fit, have an ass, have nice tits, like, do their thing. Like, this is the expectation while watching the kids, managing the kids, having dinner ready, take care of the bills. And if you do a business, you're supposed to do both. So it's kind of an expectation from guys, even if you're producing that. That's the case. The expectations of women is that many men make money.

Yeah. They don't care if you're.

So, like, if a man's making money, he tends to get a whole pass for a lot of other things.

Right.

Right. You know, have hairy back, be 70 pounds overweight, and just be rolling in his world. And he tends to get a hall pass for it. But there's a piece that's rising, which is when women started making money. I think it flipped the script.

For sure. It did.

I think it just changed things because.

Sure did. All of a sudden they're like, I'm not gonna be. It did for me. Like, the minute I started making money, I was like, oh, wow. Like, I started to, like, question why I always felt bad for the feelings I was having. And then I realized I'm like, well, because I wasn't being fed emotionally. Right. I wasn't happy because I just thought I have to just accept that you're the provider. And we had the Range Rover and we had the car and the house and the two kids and the picket fence. And like, I was confused why it wasn't enough for me. Do you know what I mean? And so when I started to produce and make money, that's when I really was like, no, like, I can provide for myself, so I want somebody who I can actually emotionally connect with. And I believe that when you meet somebody and you're dating you, you do have that emotional connection. Otherwise why would you get married? It's not like we're living in a day and age where it's arranged marriages. People are choosing to get married, which means, like, there's got to be some kind of cording and chemistry in the beginning and then that, that fizzles out and goes away. And so it's kind of like, that's why we even named this podcast date your wife, because essentially you kind of have to go back. Like, how did I operate when I was dating? You know, like, you might be courting me and paying for me, but you're not, you're not actually paying my bills, you're not paying for my house. So maybe in some situations you are. And there's a lot of relationships with the, the girl. Like, that's where they have like their sugar daddy. They're like, I just want my bills paid for.

Yeah.

But when I realized that I could go out and produce for my own and, and almost to a point in our marriage where it, it was like more work and it was like, you were a weight, I was like, well, this is stupid. I'd rather be single. I can produce on my own. And it wasn't that I was like, I'm going to go upgrade in the sense of financially, but I was like, I will go upgrade with somebody who I feel like meets my equal, but also could emotionally be with me. Because for women, at least for me speaking like, if I'm a producer, I want a man who's an equal producer. I know I have a lot of friends who, they want a purse glory and that is fine. I do not want that. I want somebody who is, who, who is a producer themselves. And I also want somebody who wants to be with me. And the feeling is, is mutual between both of us. And I think that's, we've, we've done that. We've kind of pushed back and forth to, to make one another rise.

Yes, we have got kind of warm in here.

I know it looks like it got stuffy in here.

Stuffy, huh? I'm gonna turn the air on for you while we're talking. So here's a question for you, okay? How. How does a couple actually get on the same page when it comes to parenting? Because we have. We have situations we're facing right now with our kids that are pretty intense and particular our teenage daughter. I mean, we're trying to, I think, figure the game out with her.

I think, though, it's hard because, like, first it's like, we had to get in a good space with us because kids add a lot of stress and drama, especially having four girls. They add a lot of stress to the mix. So if you and I weren't on the same page, any little thing that Bailey does or Ruby does, it, like, triggers an explosion of character between you and I. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? So I. I think parenting is hard, but I think parenting should be after working on yourself individually and working on your relationship as a. As a couple. Because, like, when we're good and. And. And, like, say, Bailey does something, I noticed both of us are, like, on the same team. Does that make sense? If we're not good and Bailey does something different or stupid, we fight each other just to fight each other. I'm like, why did you tell her to that? Why did you tell her to that? So when it comes to the topic of parenting, I'm like, how good is your relationship? Because when your relationship's good, I've noticed we can co parent better in the sense where I'm like, hey, what did your dad tell you? Okay, what are the consequences? And the same with you. You'll kind of lean in and say, like, well, what did you. Instead of being like, what did your mom do? You're like, you'll come to me like, what did you agree to do? You know what I mean? And instead, in the past, I felt like you were always defending Bailey, and I was like, you should be defending your wife. How dare you? You weren't even in the situation. But now I feel like there's more. A little bit, like, again, like, more respect for me, where you're like, you kind of submitted to be like, what did you agree to? Like, even if you disagreed with what I did, you at least would come to me. Does that make sense?

Yeah. So we've had. We've had a couple different situations in our marriage where things were pushed to the limit, meaning where, like, divorce and. Or, like, radical change was a topic on the table. And in those environments, we've had this Opportunity. And one of them was in 2016. Another one was probably two, probably just this year. I can't think of more bigger ones since this year. So we got this year, 2023, and we got 2016. I collided with you. Look at the massive ultimatum. I'm saying for sure. Both directions. Then you collided with me in 2023, earlier this year. And both of those collisions shook up the game. And both those collisions gave us both an opportunity to Done. Both gave us an opportunity to consider looking at another relationship or looking outside and saying, okay, we're finished. What if we're done? What does that look like? But you've come back with a couple different things. Him like me, which is like, you've said a statement on the first time back in 2016, which was, I am confident my life could be easier, but there's no guarantee my life would be happier. What do you. What did you mean by that?

When did I say that?

2016. We were going through our three to four weeks of, like, trying to figure out if we're gonna get separated young.

I got married when I was 20 years old, and I remember our very first fight when we lived in Las Vegas, Nevada. And I remember I went and I was so irritated, and I went and slept in the guest bedroom. And I was like, I. I'm. I should be done. Why did I get married so early? This. Like, we don't have any kids. Like, this is my. I should just get out. I should just get out. Get out while I can. And then it was like, I have these moments where it's like me, but it's like, I call her, like, my higher self. Like, like, comes in and speaks, like, a tiny bit of wisdom to me at a young age. Remember thinking, you know, you could go out and you could be with somebody else, but that doesn't mean you're gonna have any. It's gonna be any easier. It just means you're gonna have a new set of problems to work through. That's what life and expansion is about, is learning again to grow individually and grow collectively and together. And so I was like. And it was something as simple as that, where I was like, okay, if I can't figure it out with him, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be any easier. It might, in a sense, like, it might, in a sense that, like, this guy doesn't trigger me, but doesn't mean I'm going to be happier because maybe I'm bored. Maybe he doesn't fight as much. Maybe he's not constantly colliding with me, but ultimately I'm not growing. And maybe I'm bored and depressed and I don't even know why. Right. So that's where I got to two points of, like, it might not be any easier and I might not be any happier. So what if I try to figure out how to work in this relationship instead of call it quits so quickly? And I realized that it, like, again, like a young age. I was 20 years old. I was like, all right, let's. Let's give it a go. But I. I think too, like, the. You and I have had the biggest changes for one another. When the other one's like, I'm done for real. All of a sudden it's like, shifts change, and I'm like, holy shit, I've been asking you to do this for two fucking years. And now when you realize that I'm not joking around anymore and that this not threatening you, that we could be done, but where I'm going, we won't stay connected.

Yeah.

So. And I shared that in your last event, I was like, hey, there's been times where I'm like, I hit this point of growth, and Garrett hits this point of growth where I'm not threatening him. I'm literally like, this is where I'm going. And I hope you're with me. But if you continue to operate on these patterns and behaviors, I won't tolerate them any longer. And I think you and I have gotten into big spaces. And mine was this year I was like, like it. I've had four babies. I'm in the best shape of my life. I'm a producing woman. I'm like, I. I want a man who wants to be with me, who sees me, who wants to go on trips, who wants to be with me, who isn't just going to tell me he's just going to hustle and grind. And I should be happy for that. I'm like, I'm not going to do that anymore. I will not tolerate it. And for. This was like the first time for me. I've always kind of felt that and known that. But this was the first year. I don't know if it's age and wisdom and life experience, because Even though I'm 40, I have like the life experience. I swear, if like a stuff 16 year old, I'm like, I started this game young. Do you know what I mean? And so I kind of got to this place of maturity where I was like, this isn't a threat anymore. This is where I'm going with my life.

So what was it your, your, your question or your concern was the ability to be seen. This was a statement. And you were like, I don't feel seen. I don't feel like you're seeing me for who I am. And I admitted too that like for about six months I'd been feeling a numbness when I was in the grind. I was feeling a numbness that I didn't know how to deal with, I didn't know how to solve. And you said, I feel like I don't, I'm not being seen by you. And guys hear that and like, this is, you're not the first one to make a comment like, this is a woman. Like other, other women have said this to their husbands or to their partners. Said, hey, you know, I don't feel like you see me. What does that even mean?

Two things. So number one, because you've said things like that to me where it's like, you don't see me. And it's like when you've been together for as long as we have, I, I don't acknowledge you or praise you for how far you've come as a man. So that can be frustrating with your partner. You're like, do you see this freaking 22 million dollar home and the cars we drive? You don't fucking see me. So it goes both ways, right? And I was kind of at like that point this year. I'm like, I've had four of your babies. I got a six pack, I have a producing company and you don't. I'm like, I'm like, this isn't normal for women. You know what I mean? I'm like, you don't. I'm a catch. I need you to understand that. So there's that version of like, where I both, I think that both men and women want, like, where it's like, I need you to see me for who I've become and the efforts that I've put into becoming this person. And then there's this other point of being seen where for women it's like, love me, dope me, like, don't just slap me in the ass when you come in the kitchen, tell me you appreciate me. Same as like, guys want validation. Women want the same thing, except for we want some flowers and diamonds with it. But it's like, there's this element of like just you working and then coming home and having three cocktails and being. And then starting the next day and then not taking me on dates or Taking me on one date night a week or never taking me on vacations. But you're the provider and it's okay. But when you're home, you're kind of numb or you're playing Disneyland. Dad, that's not. I don't feel seen. And me just saying, like, oh, well, you were playing with the kids. Hey, you weren't. You're fucking around on Instagram or you're having an ipa, and then you're like. Then you come to bed, slap my ass, and want me to roll over. I'm like, like, no, sir, I will not be doing my wifely duties because you are not doing your husband duties. You didn't show up. You didn't see me. And. And men act like it takes a lot. I'm like, I'm sorry that it's hard to be with me. I'm sorry it's hard to not unplug because you feel so awkward in the conversation of just hanging out and seeing me and being with me. And so then it's, like, painful for the women because, like, there's been times where I've been like, I'm sorry that I'm so hard to be with. Like, it was almost, like, hurtful for me. I'm like, why doesn't he want to be with me? Why is he hiding in his office? Why is he hiding? Even playing with the kids? Like, I'm like. I got to a point where I'm like, you don't even get. You don't get points for hanging out with the kids. I would rather you come hang out with me. Especially when we had our last two kids, I looked at you and I said, we have the opportunity to do things different. And that's why when you were, like, wanting to introduce nannies and all this stuff, like, when I remember being pregnant with Charlie and I was like, we're gonna do it different. We're gonna act like a cute retired couple, but we. Even though we have more babies, we're not going to operate in this sense of, like, guilt of hanging out with the kids. We're going to co parent together. We're going to hire help when needed. Like, we have the funds and the opportunity to do this again. So I think when I think about this concept of being seen, for me, it was two things, right? It was seen for who I've become as a woman, and it was just being seen on a daily basis and feeling loved and appreciated. And, like, some of you actually wanted to sit down on the couch with and just put your Hand on my leg and be with me. You know what I mean?

So scene defined then is a feeling or is it a function? Is it something a guy is doing?

It'd be like, when you would be like, I want you to want me. Like, I don't want you to just put in your time. I don't want you to put. Go play with the kids and then cash in those points. It's. It's back to when you're dating, when it's organic and you get off work and you're like, I'm excited to be with you. You. You know, when I get disconnected with my kids is when I'm not with my kids. When I stop wanting to be with my kids is when I don't put in depos Deposits within my time is one of them. So what happens with married people or couples is they put all these deposits in their kids and they forget to put. And they want to be with their kids. They genuinely want to, but they forget to put deposits into one each in each other daily.

Well, I will tell you, like, the piece you were looking for was time. The piece you were looking for is energy and presence. I will tell you as a guy, this is really easy to get off track with because do you think that guys.

Do they not want that, though? Like, do they not like. Okay, let me rephrase that. So does say you meet a new girl and you're excited and she's hot and you got those butterflies and you're like. And you're like, I really want to be with this chick. Do. Once you get married, does that. I mean, I guess we've only. Well, I'm your second wife. But does that desire go down? Like, you're like, I don't really care. I don't have those butterflies. I don't want to be with her.

Because butterflies obviously go down well, not butterflies.

That's a stupid verb or a stupid description. I would say, like the desire. Did the desire just go down? Because it's like, I want you to want to be with me. I don't want to have to constantly nag you and be like, hey, can we hang out?

Yeah.

But I think that that disconnection comes with lack of consistency.

Sure. Well, the example would be like, so, like, guys will be in the military and then they will go get deployed, and we've had guys in Warrior like this will get deployed and then they come back and they've been gone deployed like three, four, five months.

Are you in the military?

No, but I'm Saying they get deployed, they come back, and inside of that, they're in a pattern, and they're used to operating a certain way in the military. And then they come back to the house and they're not sure how to interact and engage. For a lot of guys going and building, particularly entrepreneurs that are building businesses, are dealing with high levels of stress. Every day they go do the stress all day, and they're not sure how to translate that when they come home. So it's difficult to translate. It's like, how do I translate this game? From being in this business grind to coming home and being emotionally available, when all day long I've had people needing me, wanting me, desiring me, and needing me to give them, or I've had to work real hard and do this thing like the military, day to day. But business wise, I'm like, you have.

To be very focused, right? And you almost have to shut off this other energy of like, wanting to go ravage and have sex especially, I'm sure. I mean, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but if you're out on the battlefield, AKA entrepreneur field, at some level, you've got to say, shut down that sexual behavior and channel it into work. You channel it so that you don't cheat on your wife.

Yeah, well, it's sexual. Sexual transmutation.

So word.

It is a word. It's actually taught in Laws of Success by Napoleon Hill. And they said that some of the most successful. The genius of a man is found in his sexuality, meaning his highly sexed men are the highest producers. It's just that they have figured out how to take sexual energy and transmute it. And that the most powerful and successful men have had years of a woman that has been sexually inspiring to them, but instead of her, they take that energy and they build with it. So I tell people that my success is attributed to my sexual frustration for 12 years with you.

So I just need to hold out now.

Yeah, if you just keep holding out, we'll be billionaires.

I'm gonna have to go find me a purse. Boy.

The key to big money. Don't get laid. So you have the transmutation of. Transmutation of it. Right. Which is like, literally, like the transmuting of that sexual energy into creative energy. The other thing that's interesting though, too, is that because we're so close and we see each other, we don't see each other.

Right.

AKA Walks in today. AK Walks in, and he immediately acknowledges my gains. He does. Okay, let me finish.

Okay, but now I'm.

Let me finish. He immediately acknowledged my gains, Right. Because AK hasn't seen me for two and a half weeks. He comes in, he sees that I'm up. He sees I've been training, eating food, etc. He can tell. Compliments me, tells me I look great. Biceps are popping, veins are popping. You? Nothing. Two weeks. Nothing.

Really?

Not one comment. Except for maybe see how your back kind of does look a little softer than you thought it did? I'm like, there's nothing productively positive about anything you're saying.

So yesterday when we're. When I'm cooking dinner and I'm like, yeah, your upper body looks a lot bigger.

Yeah, you did say that.

Yeah, I think I've said that daily. Oh, bullshit. As somebody who's done bikini competitions, I notice everything. That's the one thing where I'm like, yeah, I can totally see your shoulders, babe. Every day. Here's what's. Here's what's tricky. Why do you only notice when AK says it to you? Because there's a lot of times AK Cares about. Because we're so close. Here's what you all. I'm just gonna give you a ship right back to your point. Because we're so close, you don't hear the compliments anymore.

So maybe you weren't hearing the compliments for me when you thought you needed to be seen.

No. No way to flip it.

Well, I'm just saying the principle plays both ways.

Being seen is not about a. A verbal compliment. Being seen is just like an attraction and an energy of wanting to be there. You know, when somebody doesn't want to be there or they're just kind of like, going through the motion. And I'm not saying we have to be like. Like Monday you got. You were working the Monday we hung out that night. I knew I didn't care about even talking that much. We had great sex. Whatever. Tuesday, it was a little bit chaotic down here, and I didn't sleep good the night before. So it was literally like, hey, babe, love you. You don't have to have, like, these. These wanting moments every single day, but it has to be more than once a week or once every other week or one date night a month. You know what I mean? It just has to be one of the biggest.

One of the big shifts that happened was your desire. I've felt over the last four years your desire for the first time sexually for me. Yeah. Like, I'm gonna put it. I'm gonna put it out there.

Well, I felt Safer.

Yeah. Well, you felt safer. I'm gonna put it out there. Even, like, blow jobs or things like, I'm just gonna put it out there. It's like a. Want to. Want to. It's not even like, oh, I have to.

Exactly.

Sure.

It's like, that's what I was trying to get across is it's like, now it's fun, and it's not. I have to.

Yeah.

And that's how a relationship should be. And the only way to get back to that, especially if you're that couple that's like, I've only had sex three times last year. You're like, I'm. That's why I was kind of like, oh, this is hard to hear, but you should probably get out of that because you. To. To build back up that consistency. It's gonna. Energetically. Like, I know what we went through where it was like, okay, we've gone adrift for so long. Like, we went adrift for, like, five years. It now took us six years just to get back to square even. And then after that six years, then it was like we were at a kind of an even playing field where we could build upon that. But most people aren't willing to put in that. That time, especially if you're producing or whatever, you're like, I'm out. You and I are a very interesting story because we were both at rock bottom at the same time, emotionally and financially broke. Like, I had just had my second baby. I didn't have any money. I was a hairdresser. You had just had your second baby with me. You. We had no money together, so we kind of were in this place where it was like, there was no. What were our other candidates? What were our better options at that point in time? We were like, well, we got two kids, and our two kids is what kept us together in that moment.

Yeah.

But I. You should never be, you know, 10 years down the road where you're like, well, I'm just in it for the kids at that point. You're just too. You're just too blind and you're too scared, and you don't believe in yourself enough to go create happiness with somebody else.

Yeah.

And I think that both of us, although we were in a situation like, now, like, if anything, we're too stable. Like, you cheated or I cheated. We would be like, it's been fun. We gave it a go. You know what I mean? Because we're too powerful, and we have too much going on, and we. We both realize that we're a good catch, and we could go out and find somebody, and even if we didn't want to, we'd go around for a while and still produce on our own. And so that's where we get in this place where it's like, again, we've talked about this a lot, but a place of, like, want. And when you're in this place of want, all of a sudden I'm like, yeah, let's try. Let's do whatever. Let's have fun with it. And I'm not saying that we don't have our married moments and our working moments where I'm like, babe, I'm tired. Please just go away.

Yeah, I get it. I think there was one thing I was talking about the guys this last weekend was this idea that there's. Once you get to a place of man where you recognize in your mind, like, you have a moment in your mind where you eliminate the following reality, which is there's no orgasm and there's no vagina into which you could orgasm that could justify losing all that you've built.

Yeah.

Like nothing. What do you got? An hour of passion, licking, sucking, touching. And then what? It's like, what's on the other side of that? Nothing. Hollow. And everything you've worked on for 20 years, gone. Yet so many couples are choosing this path with each other right now, which is like, fuck it. I'm not going to confront truth my spouse. I'm just going to go fuck somebody else. And inside of fudgeing somebody else, I'm going to fuck everything up, and then I'm going to sit in this PTSD moment forever.

And then they live in this guilt phase, and then they're looking for the next high. They're like, well, how do I? And that's why you'll have men or women cheat multiple times. Because it's like, oh, I had the high, but then I felt the guilt, and I want to get rid of the guilt, so I'm just going to go after the high again. And it's. It's a loop. It's a loop in which whatever you tolerate, right? And ultimately it comes down to. In your relationship, you. You create whatever you tolerate. Like, truth be told, like, if. If you want to be happy, then choose it. Like, if you're like, well, I don't think I can do any better, then you're not going to do any better. You know?

So it's really good. Create what you tolerate. You know, I've said that I've got.

Golden nuggets that come out of the.

Blue golden nugget that flew right out of your mouth right there. That was great. All right, so let's wrap the show up with a couple ideas. Number one, consistency has been our key. We started, even when we were first arguing with each other constantly on every date night. We still started going out every single week. And people think we just started, like, down this path of like, I love you, you're glorious. Now, 90% of our days were fights.

One of your guys I was talking to at the event and I was like, he's like, you know, I want. It was the same guy. He's like, I want to go out on dates. And I set something up. And she says her ovaries hurt or something. I'm like, I'm like, she doesn't say that, but I'm like, well, the truth is she doesn't want to start a fight. You guys are in such a painful place in your relationship. And I go, and I go, to be honest with you, like, Garrett and I, he's very, like, hot headed. He flips his lid, easy. And then I would go to dinner and feel embarrassed. Like, he was yelling at me and we were arguing and I'd rather just not go out.

Yeah.

I'm like, but that was one thing Garrett and I did. I was like, hey, I'm going to go out and if we fight, we fight. And to the point where I got. I was so tired of fighting, I was like, well, let's go to counseling. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, but you have to be even willing to get through the fights. And, and ultimately, if you're constantly fighting at dinner, that's when I was like, can we get a sounding board? Can we get therapy? And both couples, like, I'll talk to a lot of. Or like a lot of those guys at the event too. They're like, yeah, we've, we've done counseling. I'm like, there's. But it's different. It's like saying, I go to the, the gym. But do you go to the gym intentionally? Are you just going it to, like, put in your time? Because that's not actually going to give you the result that you want. So if you say, me and my partner are going to therapy, which one going to therapy intentionally and which one's going to therapy to just say, I'm doing it for him.

Right.

Otherwise it's not going to work.

Right.

And so I feel like that's where another pivot that you and I made along the way is like, okay, how do I win in this situation?

So key is consistent time. And that time is under tension. Intentional, intentional tension, which is intentional time going on date nights every week, we're having time at night every week, we're having conversations every week. And the biggest piece is the ability inside of that to speak the truth, right? And that's hard. This is hard for individuals to do, period. And let alone trying to have that conversation with somebody who they have history with, who they may have felt rejected by or they may have trauma with, or they have pain with, and they've got these kids and life, which is called marriage. And in that, they're saying, how do I step past this? And what we have experienced and what I would speak to with the witness of hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of couples that have followed the worrisome way system here at Wake Up Warrior is the following, which is. And a willingness to take you on first, right? You have no chance to take your wife on or your husband on until you've taken yourself on. If you're unwilling to take yourself on, there's no chance in you creating change in your partner. Your partner's not going to change if you stay stationary. The only chance is getting you to change and in you changing. You now have an opportunity to raise the bar and no longer tolerate mediocre behavior in yourself or in your partner. But to expect your spouse to do something that you have been unwilling to do, to expect your spouse to rise while you continue to sit and close your eyes, to expect your spouse to do anything beyond what you've been willing to do yourself is hypocrisy, insanity, and stupidity.

I think it comes down to my final share would be like, look. Look in the mirror. Like, truthfully, like, look in the mirror. And always come back to like, how do I cross the line? Or what do I need to do to ultimately get what I want? And I believe that you can create whatever you want with whatever individual you're with. And far too many times people are like, it, I'm out. You're like, okay, well, life's about timing, right? So you might meet somebody else and just feel like, you know, I'm just gonna cruise control. I fought for 20 years and I'm okay with just cruise control. And maybe that's good for you and that's fine. But I believe that you can create whatever you want with. With your spouse. And I keep posting this, like, I could be good here, but I even want to grow more past this, and I want to do it with you. And I know that doing it with you will challenge me and push me. And although it, like, drives me crazy at times, it's like I feel like I'm like, okay, challenge accepted. Let's. Let's go. You know what I mean? Not to say it always has to be a war, but there are going to be seasons of war in order to grow.

You're crazy.

I know.

So am I. You know that, right?

People are like, you're Garrett's crazy. I'm like, oh, you should meet his wife.

My wife is crazy. I'm crazy. And that is a perfect container for marriage. So, listen, if you're watching this show, we have a couple things coming out. We have the real White House TV series coming out. We're going to be sharing more and more about that over the weeks. Come by here with date your wife. We also have amazing programs and function happening inside Wake Up Warrior every single week. We have hundreds of individuals, men and women, who join us here at Wake Up Warrior, studying the art and science of having it all, which is the backbone of what Danielle and I use to put our lives back together, put our marriage back together, our families back together, our world back together, to rebuild our financial empires and to build a life that matters. You can do this. And in a game where the political games and the race games, the nationality games, and all of the bullshit that's happened, the sexual sexuality and dysfunction that's happening in the marketplace and confusion all over in that place, you've got to be stable. And one of the places you can be stable is here at Waco Borrier, learning the tools and the techniques and the tactics and ultimately the power to transform who you are, transform you, transform your marriage, transform your marriage, transform your family, transform your family and build a life that God has given you the capabilities to build. But that requires you to start. One of the first places you can start by going to wakeupwarrior.com begin your journey with us in the challenge and. Or pick up the books and start your conversation of learning the warriors way today. Along with this, if you're a hairstylist, happens to be here watching this show, or you're connected to the hairstylist Danielle and TKW Styling and ourselves in the hair brand.

You can go to MBR Education to find out more about natural beautiful hair extensions, which is a system of hair extensions, hand tied hair extensions that I created over a decade ago, now educating thousands of artists around the globe. And that's. That's my empire. Empire and Garrett's got his own thing. And we come together and do this podcast for you guys weekly and get ready because we're going to do the white the real white House because we got four daughters and our stepson and there's days in our house where I'm like, what the hell is going on? So everybody's going to have a very unique character inside of this new series and we're excited to share more inside our family with you guys to show you we're the real deal and you can create whatever you want.

Two eight figure brands, five children, two entrepreneurs, three nannies, two homeschool teachers, and a ton of fun. With thousands of clients every week, the show is going to blow your mind and give you an inside scoop as our daughter pursues her music career and what she's up to right now. Crushing it with our son, launching his new business. First month doing 25,000 revenue and following him and his girlfriend in their path. Following our youngest two as they grow up under a new frame and container here in oi. We live life today looking at our middle daughter, Ruby, who's kind of our best child of all of our children, who sits calm in the middle. And what happens inside the homeschooling environment as we pulled our kids out of school. What happens in our fitness journeys as we pursue a stage together?

You want me to do it with you? Shit, now I gotta cut.

Here we go. Stage together with us together this fall in a physique competition. And just a whole bunch of exciting games that we want to show you behind the scenes. So many people talking about doing big things. We're just going to show you the big things we're up to every single week. So until that show comes out and until next week with date your wife, check us out here at wakeupwarrior. Com.