The Key to Communication | Date Your Wife | Ep 005

Well, hello, my friends and welcome to another week of date your wife, the podcast. My name is Garrett J. White. I'm the co host here with the beautiful woman, my wife, the queen, the creator of all things.

Of all things.

Not all things, but at least all things inside of our house. When it comes to the babies, I.

Feel like I'm slightly.

I feel like you need to be in the microphone. Are you in the microphone?

Listen, buddy, I'm always in the microphone.

You go.

But for those of you who don't watch this video, Garrett is like in a full on tie and suit and. Yep, I'm in a really cute striped tee, though.

Yep, you are. And that's how I do it. I actually told you to wear the tee so that I could deliberately come into the show today and one up you. Thank you to David August. David August suits, by the way, custom clothing. If you have not checked out. David August. But that's not a paid sponsorship.

I know, it's like, I feel like we're on a race.

You should definitely check out some David August.

You look shocked. I was like, dang it.

That's right. A little sharp. I outdressed you today. How's that make you feel?

I'm in my best tee.

Okay, you're in your best tee.

All right, well, hand me that water bottle.

That's not a water bottle, it's a Gatorade bottle.

I know it's buggy.

You're gonna move it. You don't like it. It's blue. It's causing you chaos.

It's causing me chaos. It's not with my feng shui, so it needs to be moved.

All right, so listen, here's the deal. We've been doing this show now for this will be show number five. Show number five. We're on to number five here. How you feel about. How you feel about the show series so far?

I like it.

Well, I like it. I like that you just didn't really try to put a lot into that.

How about you try it sometimes? I mean, is it weird that we listen to our own podcast? Like I like to listen to him and be like. Just to get. I feel like that's the way to get better, like at anything. Speaking photos, hair. Like, I always like to go back and look at my own work and I'll find myself like listening to our own podcast and I'm like, go, us. And I have to laugh a little bit.

Yeah, it's quite. I'm enjoying myself big time. I think it's quite fun, actually. To do this show with you. I think it's actually helping our marriage because it forces us to talk about even more stuff.

I know.

Like, it helps us get clear about some stuff. Now we. Let's talk about the problem, though. Ready? Let's talk about the problem.

We haven't talked about the topic yet.

Well, we don't need to talk about the topic because the topic is a solution of the problem that we're gonna talk about. So what is the problem that you see in relationships today? What are some of the problems that you see? It's the reason why this show exists. By the way, if you're not listening to the show ever before, I am actually the founder of a company called Wake Up Warrior, as well as Warrior wealth in financial services as well as business consulting. You can check out and learn more about that@wakeupwarrior.com Also, my wife is the founder of DKW Styling and the creator of a hair extension method known as natural beaded rose. And we run a small little army of stylists around the world with big money stylists. You can learn more about that@dkw styling.com now, we were not always on the same page as a couple. Danielle, this is your chance to identify the challenge and the reason why we're doing the show.

The challenge, like, the challenge for being married. So many challenges, so many life lessons.

Exactly. What's the real reason we're doing this show?

I just. I feel like we had a rough go for a while and.

What is a rough go?

A rough go? Like, literally, what does it look like? It wasn't just like, we had a fight, and I was like, screw you. I'm moving on. It was like, for probably a good four years, it was like, are we gonna stay married or are we gonna not? Are we gonna stay married or we're gonna say not?

And was this going on in your mind? Are we gonna stay married? Are we gonna not? Were you having this thoughts?

I was actually surprised with how long it drug out. I was just like. And then it like, did you think.

It was gonna end?

Yeah, I think it was.

I think I thought we were gonna end.

I didn't know. And I just was like. But then I was like, well, we're still here and we're still fighting.

And like, why did you stay in?

I don't know. My heart told me to stay in, so I didn't.

No, seriously. Is this really what said? Like, your heart said, always listen to my heart. Always listen to your heart. Always over Never once not listen to your heart.

Because in your head, you get too into your ego, and you're like, blah, blah, blah, and she's in this and that, and you don't take any fucking accountability. So I always go with what my heart says, and even when I don't want to, and I'm like, shut up, heart.

And your heart said, stay with this guy.

My heart said, he's a crazy motherfucker. You need to stay with this guy.

I like it now. Did your heart actually tell you the one night when you walked in, called me a bitch and kicked me in the back and literally kicked me out of the bed? Was your heart telling you to do this maneuver? You called me. You're a bitch. I'm gonna kick you in the back off the bed. Move.

You know, we've talked about.

We were in a battle.

We've talked about this in some of our other podcasts, but people are so afraid to collide and so afraid of confrontation that they just float around with being okay until all of a sudden they're not, and that's when they're divorced. And there's so many times, like, Garrett's a pretty strong personality, I don't know if you've noticed, pretty strong, and I'm pretty strong personality, but I'm, like, kind of passive. I'm just like, whatever. It's fine. Like, whatever. I'm kind of stubborn, a little more of a hippie. I don't know, whatever you want to call it. Like, hippie, passive, whatever, gorgeous, whatever. I have had to learn, like, being married to you, I was like, I have to learn to confront my feelings. I have to learn how to communicate. I have to learn how to stand up for myself. I have to learn how to hold us. Like, I have to, like, voice. Voice what I'm feeling inside my heart, I guess you could say. So sometimes it comes across a little aggressive, but I have to learn to, like, listen to those feelings instead of, like, push them away and just pretend like we're living in Castle and on the beach and everything's la la dandy.

So this. This maneuver, then, what you're saying is that your heart did tell you to come into the room when I was sleeping, tell me I'm a bitch, kick me in the back, and I fall off the bed.

I have been.

I literally fall off the bed. You realize that's impressive.

I am a small but mighty girl.

How much do you weigh? Tell the truth. 110, 112. There we go. There's a truth.

113, dear. All right, it's all in my ass.

Exactly where I like it. If we could get 10 more pounds back there, we'd be good to go. All right, listen. So you, you, you. You're a small woman, but you're big in energy and you came in and that's. Listen, that's probably not something you would have done back in the day, which is like, jump up and physically collide with me. I deserved it, by the way. I needed. I needed a little ass kicking, literally.

You know what I noticed with you is if I would take the passive aggressive approach and be like, gary, you just need to calm down your feelings. And we should logically think about this, it would set you off even more and you'd be like. And then the Hulk would come out. So I was like, how do I match my energies with his? I. I will bring out my own Hulk.

And we call her the Hiya Ninja.

We should have a name for her.

The Hiya Ninja.

What should her name be?

I don't know. She's the ass kicker. She literally came in. I want you guys to imagine the following situation. I'm asleep in bed. We have had some fights. I have gone to a little whininess, a little poutiness. Not exactly what you might call communication. And that happens to be our focus of topic for today.

It's like shut off mode.

Yeah, yeah. It's like it's shut off mode. We're talking about this communication. That's our focus for today. We spent our first week talking about sex. We spent our second week talking about money. We spent our third week talking about having children and raising them. And now we're going to talk about communicating because that's kind of like the glue between all of it. The sex, the money, and the kids. Communication. So anyways, we're sitting there, I'm being a little pouty, and I go to sleep, and then my wife comes in while I'm asleep. Mind you, I am literally asleep. I weigh 205 pounds. I'm 6 foot 2. Not a small guy. Not like the biggest guy. Definitely not the smallest guy. I would say I'm in the top 90%. Top 90% in size.

I mean, you're a big dude.

If I'm Polynesian, I'm not in the top 20%.

No, but you're a big dude.

But overall, all people, you know, if you equal in all the small Asian guys.

Oh, my God. And you're a big Irish man.

I like the big Irish guy in there. And then you Take the Polynesians on the other side. And then we got you in the middle. I'm kind of like in the top 10% of size. So I'm not like the smallest guy ever.

Viking.

I'm a Viking and I'm not that small. You come in. What was going on in your mind when you walk into the bedroom? I'm asleep. Your 205 pound Viking is asleep.

We were kind of in conflict, but when you have kids kind of in conflict, sometimes you have to put that conflict aside. You know, you're like, gotta get the kids to bed. Then we'll talk. We're gonna talk when the kids are in bed. So I'm like, Garrett actually usually like, puts our kids to bed, reads them stories. He's really great like that. But I was like, but sometimes he goes in and. And he falls asleep. And I wanted to talk that night. And I was like, hon, I'll put the kids to bed because I know you're gonna fall asleep. And like, I'll just do it. Cause I'm quicker, I'm effective. I'm like, kids, you have five minutes. Like, this is how it is. But in a really nice, loving way. I put this on a timer. So anyways, I went in and I actually kind of started to drift away. But then I was like, oh, crap, I gotta like wake up.

Oh, you were falling asleep with the kids. Well, I mean, the thing you told me not to do, you were doing now the rest of the story told you. No, I hadn't.

No, it hadn't been very long. Literally, like, I felt myself drifting and like by the time I looked over, Ruby was asleep and I was like, oh, sweet. Okay. So then I come in and, oh, you know what? I think I might have said, hey, come in and grab me in like 10 minutes. And you didn't. Anyways, I can't remember.

Yeah, I didn't come grab you.

I just remember waking up and it wasn't like, I just like woke up. Like something shot me up out of bed. Like, literally. Like, have you ever had those moments where you like, sit up and you're like, whoa, like, what the hell? Just what? Just woke me up? Yeah, like, I swear it was.

You have those moments more than I do.

I know, I'm super. I just get.

No, it's good, it's good. You follow your heart. Continue with this tale though, because you get a little woosh and you get.

Up, but it's a surge of just so pissed. And I'm like, that fucker went to Sleep. And I marched in, and I was so pissed because you're always telling me, like, we need to communicate. We need to talk about this. Da, da, da, da, da. And, like, you fell asleep, and, like, I sw. You, like, intuitively woke me up in your mind, and that's what shot me up out of bed.

Anyways, I like your reframe analogy. Well done. Keep going.

I come in and he's, like, passed out, snoring, drooling. And I was like, ugh. And I was like. I couldn't come in and gently be like, babe, wake up. I was so pissed, I don't even know how I did it. My little Mighty Mouse body came in full force with, like, a body kick and pushed him out of the bed.

So were you propped up against something when you did this, or did you just like the chi? It was just the fucking chi. Cause you somehow literally threw me off the bed.

I know. Even when you fell, I was like, wow, that was strong. Good for me.

You know what's funny is when you did the chi kick, we're just gonna call it the Chi kick.

A jumping slide.

Yeah, it was like a flying spider kick. I don't know what it was, but all I know is I'm laying there asleep on the edge. Now I sleep on the left side of the bed. My wife sleeps on the right side of the bed. Occasionally when we travel, she tries to fuck this up, and she sleeps on the wrong side. Why do you do this? Why do you try to sleep on the wrong side?

I'm just gonna say this.

It's my side. The left side. Every time. Why you try to do this on trips?

I like change. I want to experience left side. I have fomo.

Tell them what FOMO is.

Fear of missing out. Such bad fomo.

It's such horrible fomo. And the only time she really gives a shit about having the FOMO activate is when we're on vacation.

And when you want the left side.

I know I want it more. And you're like, no, it's the right side. I'm like, it's not. I'm standing in front of the bed. It's to my left. That's the left side. You're like, no, the bedroom's turn this way. So anyways, let's get off the fomo. So you kick me. But the part that's funny about this is I fall on the floor, right? And I actually giggle. Like, I'm kind of giggling even.

I was pissed even.

And you were even more angry. Cause I was Giggling. And I was giggling because I rarely got to see you that out of control. And it was kind of like a turn on to me. Would that be weird for me to tell you that as you kicked me, called me a bitch, and I fell on the floor, I was slightly turned on.

I don't.

I was.

Because I'm, you know, hearing twisted ways.

I know I'm Viking guy, you know, I guess I'd be some kind of shift.

Like I said, I had to come down to that level to really get your attention. So you're welcome for the swift kick to the back.

I've never kicked my wife, but obviously she's kicked me. All right, so this was a form of communication. This is a game of collision. This is where we're going to start our conversation today. This idea around communicating and why most individuals really struggle in general, as a person to collide. But why individual struggle inside of marriage to collide? And I struggled like crazy with this, and I struggled with being able to actually tell the truth, like, to actually share what I was feeling, even though I was a guy who was prone to share my feelings and to communicate. And I felt completely unsafe to actually share in marriage, which was super crazy. Now, let's come back. Danielle, you were not exactly the most emotionally expressive woman when we first got together either. Although you and I were very good at talking. We had spent a lot of time dating. Talking a lot.

I'm a very logical thinker, I think.

You think you're a logical thinker? It appears that you are a. It appears your thinking is thunked correctly.

Thunked correctly. Now, I think maybe, I don't know if a lot of women do this, but I tend to, like, manifest my feelings because I play out, like, the whole situation in my head and it makes me more logical about things, I guess.

Okay. And so inside of that, though, you, like, you were a little bit different than what the books say a normal woman is. So I've read a lot of books about normal women that never seemed to work out.

When you tell me, I love when you're always like, you're not a normal woman, I might. Thank you.

Okay. All right. Now listen. I would give you a shit because I'll be like, you're not a normal woman. Because it says in the books that normal women talk about their feelings all the time. But I was a guy who wanted to talk about my feelings, so I wasn't exactly in the normal book. You weren't comfortable talking about your feelings, though. Like, why. Why was this I think I grew.

Up in a family that. Sorry, I'm stretching.

Stretching while looking at yourself on a video stream.

Stretching. I was making.

Yes, you're still there. All right, continue. Talk about your family not growing up.

With communication up in a family who. We didn't communicate a lot. Like, their. Their, like, feelings weren't really shared. It was, yeah, like, we just didn't communicate. But I also believe there's other forms of communication than just speaking. So, like, for us, it was like hugging. No, we're not very huggy.

You guys didn't hug either?

No, we're not very huggy.

Huh.

But I think as my parents have gotten older, they've gotten. I think they feel like they have FOMO of that. And now they are always like, they.

Have fomo because I'm in the family, because I'm a hugger.

I don't know.

I force everyone to hug.

Hey, that's good. But I. But anyways, that's just kind of how I grew up. My family wasn't really, like. I don't remember, like, sitting down and having long conversations or communicating with my family. And maybe they just weren't comfortable with her. They didn't know how to go about it. But I just don't remember communication being huge in my house. And I know when you share about your family, I'm kind of like, just because you guys were louder, does that mean you had better communication? Like, what specifically? Like, I don't know how you were raised in the sense of when I just get the vibe that you guys were more vocal, not necessarily communicating, but just more vocal.

Oh, I like how you're reframing that coming from the anti hugging, anti communicating clan. All right, well, let me tell you what it was like in a Viking clan. In a Viking clan, we talked so much that there was a stick that my mom had to get made. This stick was given to the person who was given authority to speak at the table. Otherwise, everyone at the table, all seven of us, would fight for opportunity to speak. And everyone tries to talk over each other, and nobody could hear a goddamn thing. So my mom makes this talking stick. She gives a talking stick to us at the table, and we pass the stick around and we take turns talking. I don't even know how long this strategy worked out. I just remember it happening. So we talked a lot. But what I can tell you is we talked about our feelings a ton. So my mom was very good at getting us into a place of being comfortable with talking about our feelings and getting comfortable about Talking about what we were thinking. All right, so it was a very open game. My family's very touchy feely, very communication with, like, I love you. Hug you. I mean, so much. Such you get. You remember your first experiences coming to visit my family. It's a total shock for you. Not only were we in a pickup truck with hay bales, there was also some shit going down called the hug line.

Yeah. If I didn't talk about the hug line. Oh, my God, I love the hug line.

Just so you know, Mom, I know you're listening to this. I love the hug line. It was weird for Danielle.

Now I'm more of a hugger. Like, when I see people, I'm like, how are you? And it seems normal to me now, but when we met, I was super young. I mean, I met Garrett when I was 18.

18.

And we got married when I was 20. Right.

20 years old.

I remember going to his house for the first time and everybody hugged. And I was like, oh, everybody hug everybody. Like, everybody. Like, maybe the parents, but literally, like, the dog, the cat, the fish, the grandpa.

Come on. You can't hug every fish, dog and cat, for sure.

So anyway, I remember we go to leave and you're hugging everybody again. I'm like, well, it's his family. And then I, like, hugged a few people, and then I miss. And then like a week later, you're like, my. I don't remember somebody was offended. They're like, so and so. You didn't hug him when you left? They think you don't like him. I was like, I don't even know them. And the hug line was a lot for me. So that's true.

I mean, if you were. If you were to my house, and there were. Let's say there was mom, dad, There was the kids. They're seven, five kids, mom and dad. And then let's say, like, aunt and uncle over with, you know, their five kids.

I mean, you have to hug yourself.

And Grandma and Grandpa are sitting on the couch. You don't fucking leave that house without hugging everybody.

So and so. Yeah, that's right. You're out of the family.

That's right. Well, you are out of the family if you don't hug. So, like, it was. It was kind of a hugging mafia communicating.

I think your mom still holds that again, me against me.

Because you didn't.

Dad, if you're listening, I'm a hugger now. We got this. Yes, we got this.

Took 17 years. Let's hug it out. We got lots of loves and hugs on this. Okay, So I came from a family that was much more communicative in a sense of physical touch and also in communication with the just speaking. So much so that we had to have the talking stick. Danielle came from a family that didn't hug, didn't touch that way. Like, there was no physical contact. Like, it was weird for me because I got to her house and we left, and Danielle didn't even say goodbye. Like, we're at dinner and, like. And I look over and she's out the fucking door. Like, she's gone down the road. Like, she's already in the car, backing out of the driveway. I'm not even in the car. She's backing out of the driveway already. And I'm sitting there, standing in the doorway. I'm trapped because I'm like, listen, is this authorization? She didn't hug anybody. Am I supposed to hug someone? So then I did my thing, and I made everybody uncomfortable in the entire family on Danielle's side by walking and giving everyone a hug. But can I. Can we acknowledge that I have definitely introduced hugging to the Waffens?

And I think. And I.

Do you think there's more hugging going on in the Waffens? Yes or no?

Realize, like, they were kind of missing out. And now I notice my parents are better. Like, when I talk to them, like, love you. Like, we didn't say I love you a lot.

Even though never. It was super weird to me.

It was just kind of, like, known. It was like, it was known.

Was it known? Did you know?

It was like a fist bump or a head nod.

It was like a head nod. Love, like a. Like a dude. It's like an old school emoji, what you did with your own face.

I just always felt like we knew, but because it wasn't spoken, it was uncomfortable. And so, like, yeah, I knew my parents loved me. I felt loved. We were taken care of. I occasionally liked my brothers and sisters.

Sometimes loved them, sometimes liked, sometimes loved. All right, so we have this game of communication. You were raised one way, I was raised another. With your friends? Were you really communicative with your friends? Like, did you talk with your friends a lot about things or how did that go with girls? Like, when you were, like, you know, before we got married?

No, I didn't, because I wasn't taught communication when I was growing up. I remember I had, like, a few college friends that, like, went through, like, super traumatic, traumatic experiences, like, when I, like, live. Because I lived in the whole dorm life for a minute And I remember one specific situation. I had a friend named Haley. And I can't remember what happened, but.

I know what happened.

Or something.

No. One of the kids down in the orphanage she'd worked at had gotten molested. The guy down there was molesting all the kids at the orphanage she had just come back from. She was breaking down. Continue.

And, well, I didn't know. I was just like, are you okay? And I don't remember sitting down or talking to her, and I didn't know how. I was like, gosh, that's really sad. And I went and told Garrett because I didn't know, like, what to do or what to say. And he was like. And then I was like. I went and took her a Slurpee, though. And he was like, oh, my God. Like, your best friend went through this traumatic experience and you took her a Slurpee? And I was like, I don't know. I thought that was a. I was a big Slurpee. I don't really. I don't know.

We know there's no chance that Haley listening to the show, but we can say that, you know, we did act like there was deep love for Haley at the time. I was caring about her, too. And I was kind of stuck in this weird place. I was like, man, this girl's really hurting. My wife just gave her a big Slurpee, and I feel like some other shit should be done around here. So I actually sat down and had a conversation with her. So this is how we're entering into relationship. And you inside of your marriage, you guys have. You guys have identified. I want you to actually identify inside of your world. Like, you both did not come from the same communication place. You were taught communication by your parents. You were taught communication by your families. And generally, what I've seen inside of working inside the Wake Up Warrior movement and dealing with thousands and thousands of men and being those men, being married to women, is seeing that there are. There's always a touchy, feely person, and then there's a not touchy feely person, right? So sometimes it's the guy who is the guy who's all about touchy feel, and that's how he communicates, is I want to be touched, et cetera. I'm going to introduce you what I call ttf. Tell me. Touch me, Fuck me here in a minute. And then we have this other side of the equation, which is somebody who doesn't want to be touched, who communicates totally different. Danielle and I communicated from two very different places. You can see the background that we came from. So let's continue then. This was a struggle. I mean, I wanted to. Like. I literally wanted to sit down and just share my feelings with you for hours. But you had, like, a thimble. Thimble of container available for my 42 gallons of feelings. What was this like when we're first married and we're trying to get along in conversation and I'm this, like, bursting emotional. I want to touch you all the time and talk about my feelings, and you're not.

I think I didn't know how to handle it, to be honest with you. Like, it. It was like it. How could I describe this? Like, it was like, in my bubble. Like, it was so. You were, like, so much in my bubble, but I was like. And you're like, I'm married. I'm supposed to be in your fucking bubble.

And I was like, that's right.

I know, but I can't. Like, I'm feeling, like, overwhelmed a little bit because I wasn't taught this, because it's not like, my ammo. Like, I was feeling kind of overwhelmed. Like, whoo. And so I think I would, like, push you away. And I wasn't meaning to, but I was just like, I just need some, like, breathing space. But I do remember when we were dating, I think you held back a little bit more. And I don't know if that's just how it goes when you're dating. Like, you're playing it more casual, cordial.

And, like, could be.

I don't know. And then you get married and you're like, there's just, you know, more about each other and it's just like, there's less of a boundary or a filter or anything else. You know what I mean? Because I remember when we were dating, just on the subject of communication, like, feeling like I, out of all guys I dated, like, we could see and talk for hours.

Yeah, we could.

Like, we just could.

This was before texting.

Yeah. Yeah. But I just remember that was one thing with you and I. Like, we literally could just hang out and we'd go to dinner and we would, like, talk and I'd be like, holy shit, it's like two in the morning. So, like, we always, like, kind of, like, even though I always thought of myself as kind of a little bit quieter person, at least growing up now, I don't feel I'm that much that way now.

You've opened up big time.

But I think that, like, even then, like, knowing that I was kind of a Quieter person. I was like, always felt like we had really good communication there. And then, like, when we got married, I think that's when things get a little bit trickier.

Do you feel like that your age at the time that we got married, do you think that played into just on the maturity side of things? I mean, you're 34, almost 35. You've been 35 this year. Congratulations. Not forever. 21 and looking better every day, babe. Looking better every day.

I'm cool with 35.

Few more pounds on that backside.

Oh, my God.

We are good to go. Right in there. It's Viking Garrett J. White coming at you. All right, anyways, so you were young. Like, you were young. I mean, you were in your 20s clear through, you know, 20 to 30. Our first 10 years we were married.

I was in my 20s clear through 29.

Yeah, you were in your 20s clear until you were in 30s. Welcome to the show the fucking obvious. All right, so you're in your 20s and you're to trying. Trying to figure yourself out, but we're also trying to figure out being married. Plus you're trying to figure out how to be a mom, and you're doing the business thing. Talk to me about, like, just what was going on for you. Because you were young, you were young. We were married. And I had already been married before, so I'd already messed this shit up once, I was messing it up again with you. But you were young, going through it. It's like what was going through your mind in the first, like, first, like, five, seven years we're married? Like, how are you feeling and thinking in your brain about this communication idea? Because I was working my ass off all the time. You're young. You're trying to figure yourself out. You're hair, you're getting pregnant. What's up?

I think that I don't know how to describe this. Like, when we got married, when we first got married, I remember you working a ton.

Yeah.

And I remember thinking like, you worked a ton. And we weren't communicating. We weren't talking. We weren't taking that time. Like, it's like we would live together, but we weren't taking that time to connect and to communicate. And then I remember. I don't know if you want me to share this yet, because you have your TTF thing now.

You can share whatever you want about it.

Well, I was like, you're.

You're.

You were like, you needed to talk and you wanted to have sex, and I was just kind of like, we're just like, kind of drifting into two little roommates, and I don't give a shit if you want to get laid. Like, I. Like, I'm not really feeling connected, and there's no communication. And now you're invading my bubble because you want to talk about your feelings. And I was just feeling like, oh, my God, like, whoa. You know what I mean? Like, it was just. I think that's probably the case for a lot of young married women. Like, we probably need a lot of time and attention.

Well, and here's the truth, too. I didn't even really know how to deliver that. I think back, and I'm like, man, what the fuck? We would go out. But I don't remember actually looking at it dating you. I don't remember spending a lot of time seducing you as my wife. It had never crossed my mind. I had gotten in this place where it was like we were dating, and then we get married, and all of a sudden, in married mode, I go into work and grind guy work a lot, which has benefited our family. But I worked and grinded. But I kind of ignored you. Not even kind of. I did. I think back, I feel like I ignored you. And so then I would come back home from working, and I would have this desire to want to be connected to you, but the only way I knew how to be connected to you and to feel wanted was sex and touching you and having you touch me. And then us talking, which, of course, I'm hearing from you. You're like, listen, asshole. You know, you're not showing up. I'm not having anything to do with this. And so we kind of got into this. This impasse, if you will. Talk about what happened over the years, though, because this just continued. We had Bailey, and we were, you know, then married seven years, and things just continued to go. The money goes away.

I think what forced us to get kind of, like, reevaluate the situation. Like, it was, like, it started out good, and then we slipped down the slippery slope of, like, not communicating, and life was busy, and we had kids, and, like, I don't think we realized that things were bad, and they. They didn't seem that bad. And it was just like, tuck things under the rug and they're fine, and you just keep trucking along. And it's crazy how fast people get stuck in the same patterns. For, like, a period of, like, six.

Years, we were totally stuck.

You know what I mean, though? But that's what's crazy, is time flies so fast that all of A sudden you're like, I was feeling this, like, six years ago. And, like, then you get to this point where you're like, well, now it's too late. And so I think, like, for us, we had. We'd gotten to that point where. Let's see, we. Let's see. We'd been married for four years, and I got pregnant with Bailey. Then I had Bailey, and she was four. So we had been married eight years at this point. And then I had Ruby. And that's when I felt like things fell apart with, like, the market. Garrett was in, like, real estate at the time. Like, shit just went sideways real fast. And I was just like, wow. I think I was like, we lost kind of that spark, and then we lost money and financial stability. And then I think I lost trust. And it was just like there were so many pieces of the puzzle that we had to put back together.

It had gotten. It had gotten so. Like, it had just gotten so difficult to actually talk. Like, I remember getting a point where I couldn't even talk to you. I would end up talking to clients, I would talk to friends. I would talk. I found myself in conversation with guys. Like, talking and bitching and moaning and whining with each other about how marriage was like, we were not having sex that much. And when we were, it was like this very rough thing. Like, we didn't know how to talk, and so we would almost ignore.

It's like both people are at edge.

Yeah. But it was like we. Like, we would find reasons to go out with other people or not go out at all. Like, it's almost like a fucking blur. Like, I don't even hardly remember what was going on. I just know that it was like years were being erased from our lives and we had no connection.

But you know what's weird? I'm a firm believer that, like, in any area of your life, whether it's body being body being balance, in business, you should.

That's a core four, well done.

If any area of your life, if you don't figure it out, it's like, do not pass go. Do not collect $300. Like, you'll stay stuck in your same reality until you choose to do it differently, and you'll just continue to make loops. You know what I mean? And I think that goes with all areas of your life. So if you have a shitty marriage and you stay in that shitty space and you don't, you're just going to repeat. Even if you get divorced and you go on to the next person, if you don't learn from your mistakes and, and try to better your situation, you'll just keep repeating the same thing. And so I think we both kind of realized, at least I felt like I had that realization. And I remember saying with you, like when you were like, why are we still in this? What are we doing? And I was like, because I don't know if it's going to be any fucking easier with anybody else, so we better figure out our shit.

That was when we were having talks, that was when we'd even gone into therapy. And I was like, maybe you need to date some other people. You remember this?

Yeah, I'm kind of a committed person. Like, I'm not open.

But you opened your mind up to it.

No, I didn't.

Like you didn't actually go. But I'm just saying, like I said, listen, maybe you need to go date somebody else to figure out if I'm the one. You remember this?

Yeah. And I was like, really? I feel like that would actually make it worse, right?

But we opened up the door, we started talking about things like that.

We had that talk. Yeah, we talked about it. We're like, where would that take us? How would it be? Would it bring, Would it help? Would it make it worse?

And I was like, but I was willing to put on the table, which was kind of a nerve wracking thing as a guy because I was like, man, shit. You know, I had just gotten to a point. We had gotten to a point as a couple where our inability to communicate with each other. Cause here's the phase we went through. We went through no communication. And then we went through, I don't even know how long, how long was our communication phase where we pretty much just fought every time. Like you actually decided to fight. I tried to fight with you for years, but you would do this ignore me strategy. You were like, I'm not fighting with you right now. And you would just like block me out. And I would get even more pissed. But then I would have to go.

Communicate with you because you would get pissed. But then I felt like you would pop your lid. Like we learned this, this phrase later in therapy, but you would like pop your lid. And then I was like, you were in like a whole nother zone where I couldn't communicate to you because you were not at my level anymore. I was like at a different level. So we couldn't communicate because you were like somewhere else. And that's when I realized, like, I'm like, if I gotta pick this fight, if I Gotta communicate. I'm gonna have to take it to his level and vice versa, so that we can actually figure some stuff out.

Okay. So we. All that surrounded this entire game of communication was the power to collide. Like, we had some very intense collisions. Very. Do you remember. Do you remember the collision with. You were pregnant with Ruby. Yeah. And you woke me up in the middle of the night.

I always. It's the middle of the night.

Something about the middle of the night. So you're pregnant with Ruby and you completely.

It's one of my spirit guides. Come to me and tell me to.

It's like the middle of the night. When is this? 2010.

2010.

We are not. We're not doing well. But you're pregnant. This has got to be horrible for you as a pregnant woman, knowing that we are not doing well and you're pregnant. Like, this is like, I'm sitting here right now at this moment. I'm having this feeling with it. I'm like, man, that's fucking really shitty.

Yeah.

Like, what was that like, being you then? Because, like, it was not good. Like, and I was hardly around.

I think I gained a lot of courage in that year. I think I, Like, I stopped looking at you as, like, somebody I needed to rely on to produce my happiness or success or financial obligations. And even though I was carrying our child, I was like, fuck it. I got this. And I gained a lot of courage that year because it wasn't about me anymore. I was like, if he's gonna be working all the time and he's not producing, at the time, I was like.

I was gone all the time. I wasn't making money.

I was like, I have two kids, so I can't. I can't count on him for shit. Like, that's literally, like, what I had to play out in my mind. I was like, I have two kids and I want a nice life and I don't need this. And so I just. I don't know. I mean, that sounds real harsh, but I had to kind of play out that situation in my head. Like, okay, well, figure it out. And that's when I actually birthed my business and was like, wow.

Now, during that phase, I had brought on a lot of emotion, but I was actually draining my emotion and having conversations with other women. Like, this was just like, most. A lot of my clients were women. And so I would end up. I would get all this emotional fulfillment of feeling like I was connecting and being able to talk and communicate by not talking to my wife. I would Go talk with other women that were in business. So it was justifiable. They were in work with me, et cetera. And I would have these conversations, and it would allow me. At some level, I felt like I was trying to survive because I did not know how. It sounds so crazy now.

I remember you telling me, though, like, you were like, I feel more comfortable sharing my feelings with these women who are, like, kind of who I'm not married to and who are kind of strangers. They're like clients of mine. But I feel more comfortable expressing my feelings to them than I do you. And I was like.

Wow.

Like, that hurts. But I was kind of like, okay, well, like, I didn't know. I was like, that's. Why are you putting. I was kind of like, why are. Why are you in that situation? Like, what do we need to do?

Well, and I was in. I was in a place where I was. I felt like I was dying inside. Like, I was dying for physical touch. I was dying for communication, like, feeling. But really what I was dying with was this battle with me. And I didn't know how to express that. I had no idea. And if you got to listen to this, I can promise you. Wake up, Warrior may be a solution for you. I'd encourage you to go check out WarriorBook. Founder, WarriorBook.com There's a massive brotherhood of thousands of men from 27 countries gathered together under this banner and this belief system of the warrior's way to having it all. It was my path out of the shithole that I had created for myself and for my wife in our marriage. And so I'm completely accountable for how I was showing up and I was not. What happens when you start to put your energy as a man into other women or you start to put your energy into other or your friends or your sports or your business is that when you come home, you don't have any more courage to actually have a real conversation with your wife. And I remember, would you not want.

Like, would you not want to. I know. Like, if I'm, like, really passionate about business, I'm like, oh, I'm really into business right now. You know what I mean? And then you're like, we should go out. And I'm like, ooh. Like, if you want to choose your business versus your spouse, that might be the first, like, sign of, like, oh, shit, we probably should make time for.

One another was kind of my deal. Like, I did that for seven years. I mean, that was a blatant message to you. Not communicated. Wathin Style, which was the non spoken game, which is my businesses come first. Did you feel this?

Yeah. And I think that's why I was like, you don't care about me. We're not communicating, you're not getting laid.

And I would work more. And then when the money, that was a bad cycle. When the money was there, we could fake it.

Yeah.

But when the money disappeared, we couldn't fake it anymore. Yeah, we couldn't fake it anymore. So you confront me that night, you're pregnant. And I remember the conversation. You were like, we're fucking figuring this out. Like, we're either gonna be together or we're not gonna be together. You remember this?

I know. I think that's when I had the.

You were emotionally crying and you were pregnant.

I had the intuition where I was like, listen, I'm gonna do this with or without you, but I want to do it with you. So like I saw the path of me and where I wanted to go. Literally. Like, I'm a very visual person and I like see years play and I'm like, okay, well, before I choose that path, I'm gonna just give him like, I'm gonna communicate with him like where I'm at right now. And I want him to know, like, I wanna choose to work this out. Cause obviously it takes two of us to get to the point we're at. And I'm gonna own my shit and take accountability. And I got a baby in my belly, so yeah, for the kids at that point too, even I was like, you know, I probably owe it to like this future baby in my belly to at least acknowledge my husband. Like, hey, let's try to work this out.

So we started doing a lot of things. One of the things that I picked up was a book called the Five Love Languages years ago. That thing has been read by millions of people and it wasn't the answer to everything, but it started getting us down a path to understanding each other. One of the things we came to understand in it was I was like, my primary love language was the idea of physical touch. Which was interesting because Danielle was like totally opposite. Like, we could be laying in bed and Danielle would be laying there and I would like, I would put my arm or my hand on her leg. And at that time in our relationship, here is what would be heard next. She would be like, oh my God, I can't breathe. Now we have a six year old, does the same shit. Like I have my hand on her quad. Unless I was like completely off the anatomy cycle. It's impossible to not be able to breathe if a hand is on your quad. So this was a challenging thing because I'm like, I was giving the gift to her that I was actually wanting, which is I was giving her physical touch because I was wanting to be physically touched. But this was not working out. And this was not working out for you because we found out your love language was, what, gifts and quality time, I think.

Yeah, I think.

But I had no idea what that shit actually meant.

I like all of it, but those are probably my top.

You definitely like physical touch more now than you ever did before.

Yeah, no, I like physical touch.

I know you do. I like to give you physical touch.

That went wrong.

That went wonderful. I like where this is going. All right. So anyways, we get on this thing, but we're colliding because neither one of us actually understands ourselves. And inside of that, we keep expecting the other person to do what we want done to ourselves. But. Go ahead.

We didn't feel respected in our own homes. So even though we were communicating our love language to one another, what we wanted, because we didn't feel respect with one another, we were like, fuck you. I'm not gonna cross the line and give you physical touch. I'm not gonna give you words of affirmation. I'm not gonna give you gifts. I'm not gonna give you time. Because we didn't respect each other in our own home. And so it's like, a lot of times with your love languages, it's like, it's not your love language, but you gotta cross that boundary to get your own fucking love language met.

Whoa. You're getting into some deep, deep teachings. Go for it.

And so I was just, like, thinking, like, there was this point that hit me that I was like, I don't want to do this. It's not. It's not. Because I'd always say to Garrett, it's not me. It's how I was raised. And that was, like, always, like, my excuse. It's like, well, I'm just not touchy huggy. Well, I'm just not very good with this. Well, I'm just not that. It's not me. And then I was like. I realized real quick in life, I'm like, okay, well, if his needs are met, then he comes across the table, and my needs are met. So I learned real quick and that if I want my needs met, I have to serve him and vice versa.

Whoa. Weird. Was there, like, a moment. Was there a moment that you. I mean, it took us like 12 years, 10 years together to figure out.

Because I was so stubborn and I think you were kind of an asshole. And so between.

I was an asshole.

Between the two of us just being big giant assholes. Like neither of us were willing to meet each other's needs and so we just kept colliding and kept. Cause we're a lot. I mean, yeah, everybody has their love language, but Garrett and I's personalities are kind of a lot different as well. And so it was just like tough to kind of get on the same page. But we always, like, I don't know, we all, we just kind of, we had to figure it out.

So the, the battle continued for Danielle and I with this communication game. We struggled again to put this together. This took us a long time. We started having these discoveries in 2010. It's now 2018. At the time we're recording this show, 2018, eight years later. I don't think we actually found our real hardcore rhythm until about two years ago. And about two years ago we started finally connecting some things together. One of the decisions we made that was crucial was that we were willing to collide and go to war. How many fights, how many fights do you think we've had?

I think that there's disagreements and then there's blow up fights.

How many blow up fights you think we've had?

We used to have one, I'd say three really big blow up fights a year where I was like, I am, I'm out. Like I'm going to get a lawyer, I'm fucking out. And then.

And I would feel the same way. I was like, it's fucking bitch, I'm out of here.

And so it was kind of scary and felt unstable for a while. Now I feel like we'll get pissed, but it's weird. Like something is shifted in our relationship and our perspective of one another. And there's a lot more respect now so that when we're disagreeing, we're literally, we can literally be like, okay, well you know what it is what it is. Like we're good. Like we'll talk about it, we'll figure it out later, we'll finish it there, whatever. But it's like it doesn't, it feels like a disagreement and not a fight, you know, and, and oftentimes I feel like when we do have a disagreement, both of us, like, I can be like, he had a shitty day at work. So like, I'm just gonna be like, whatever, like, you had a shitty day, peace out. And he might be like, well, you had a shitty day, too, but we're not like, screw you. I'm calling the lawyer. We just both understand that we both had shitty days and something triggered it, and, like, we're fine, but it's okay to, like, manifest those feelings of, like, I'm really pissed right now, and I don't. I don't have to like you right now, and that doesn't mean that our marriage is over tomorrow. But, like, I'm kind of pissed to you. So, like, you do you, and I'm gonna do me.

So, two things I'm gonna point out here. I think one of the big reasons why we struggled was because both of us were trying to figure out who we were as individuals. Like, I was trying to get clear about who I was really, and I was also trying to get clear about what I wanted. And that's really tough to do by yourself. It's even more difficult to do when it's you and your wife both trying to figure this out at the same time. And then you add kids into the mix. Some rabbits, guinea pigs, dogs that shit on the floor, businesses and chaos. And you add life to it. And what you end up with is a really fucking hard place to figure out who you are and what you want.

So much noise.

So it took a lot of years. It took a lot of years to figure this out. Now, one of the strategies that we've become very okay with was collision. But we took collision to a confined environment. We went to therapy, but you were not about the therapy. I wanted to go to therapy. You were like, no, I will never go to therapy.

I was always like, I'm not broken, so why would I do therapy? You can go to therapy because you're broken. That's how I looked at it. And then finally, again, harsh reality hit me in the face. Got married young. Hey, guys. Just trying to figure out life like you are. And I was like, all right. It takes two people to get into a story. Even though my story is Garrett's an asshole and he works all the time, and he doesn't know how to communicate. Like, clearly, I played a role in this. So, yeah, I'm at the point where I'm open to a little bit of help, because, again, I'm a firm believer if you don't figure out here, that doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna be easier with anybody else.

So we're sitting in the kitchen. What led us to therapy was I had spent a lot of years trying. Danielle was trying to figure out what would make her happy. So she would give me lists of things to do. For example, be more tan. Shave your body. Body hair off. You're a Viking. I would try to do things. Be home at 5 o', clock, do this. I would test all these. Like, I was so desperate to be connected with my wife that I was like, I'm gonna figure out exactly what it is. So anytime she'd be like, well, I just don't feel connected to you, I say, well, then what would that look like? And she would give me, like, two or three things, and I would do them. I would shoot them like a fucking sniper. Ba, ba, ba. Well, eventually we got to the end of the whole list. Like, there was literally nothing. And we were sitting there, we were talking about purchasing a new home. It was before we moved to the home we're at. And she said, well, you know, I just feel like if I got my own home and we weren't leasing, because we were leasing at the time, if you bought me a home, I would feel like we were established and we were like, I could trust you again. And I lost my fucking mind. I was. And I was like, woman, I will not buy a fucking house. I'm not only not gonna buy a house, I'm not getting a fucking house. If you're not already committed. Like, I am so tired of trying to shoot everything off this fucking checklist that you've given me so that I can feel wanted by you as a woman. Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck the house. I'm not fucking doing this. Now this. You remember this fight in the kitchen? You have to remember this fight in the kitchen. You remember this fight? There was a lot of fights in the kitchen.

Like, there's probably like six or seven crucial fights where it's like we're trying to make a left turn as a couple. And then the fight is like. And we made it right, good for us.

We're like, here we go. We're gonna take a left. And bam. And we got off the exit again. All right, so we get into this battle, and in that moment, in that moment, you and I, you open up and you. And somehow therapy comes up and you say, we're gonna go. I say, well, then we need to go to therapy. And for the first time, you say, fine. And I. And what do I do? Tell them what I do next.

I don't remember.

You know what I do next. Come on now, don't play silly. You know exactly what I did next. How many? What did I do right then I literally got on the Phone right then. And I booked something and then I made it happen. What happened in the next week?

We went to two therapists, right?

Talking to the microphone.

We went to two. Right?

Two therapists.

Two in one week?

Two in one week. We were continuing. We went to two therapy sessions a.

Week for like a six week period of time.

Okay, so let's talk about going to therapy for our last part of the show here.

Because communication, when people tell me they don't have time, I'm like, well, we're going to four hours of therapy. We're trying to. We're hoping there's a fast track button here.

Can we get the accelerated version of therapy, please?

The accelerated version did work.

It fucking worked great.

We didn't have enough time to be in between to, like, get back in our old patterns.

No. Because we'd be right back in another therapy session. And we had to be honest. Okay, so, like, therapy. What did therapy bring for you? Because, like, a lot of couples think that therapy is talk to the ladies. What does it give to them?

I was really scared about therapy because I thought somebody was going to be like, danielle, you're just being stupid. You're wrong. And like, call me.

There was a part of me that was wanting that.

I know. And like, call me out on my. And I was like, I don't want to be called out on my shit. Like, no, nobody wants to hear that. And we went to therapy and I, like, literally, I felt like it was a sounding board, but I felt kind of like I had somebody on my team and maybe you did too, because she could kind of see it from a different perspective and relate to both of us. But I was like, oh, she doesn't want to shame me at all. She's actually kind of on my team and she's helping me figure out why I'm acting the way I am and why Garrett's acting the way he is. And she's giving us a different perspective on how to look at it. And the other thing it did for me, I remember, like, when Garrett and I would get into. I mean, like, I have friends and I talk to couples that are having, like, not great marriages and they. Everybody gets in the big blow up fights and.

Which is most right now, by the way.

Yeah. So when you get into that big blow up fight, I don't know, it seems like the guy is hard to. At least in my experience. It's like, it was hard to communicate with you.

Right.

And so I.

Because every time you try to share something with me, I'D get triggered and I'd lose my fucking mind. I'd start yelling again.

Yes. And so I felt like I was in a safer environment to share, to be honest with you, because I was like, well, maybe we'll get more covered and more communication, because Garrett's gonna have to, like, bring it.

Shut his big yapper.

Yeah, well, no, just, like, control the emotions. And I remember. I remember there was a couple times where literally I saw something trigger you, but instead of blowing up on me, literally. I'm not kidding, you guys. In the middle of therapy, Garrett starts doing burpees and push ups. And the therapists look at me. And there was two different therapists. And they looked at me like, dear Lord, what is that? I was like, I.

They looked at each other with the acknowledgement of like, holy shit, you are fucked. You are married to this guy. This is really happening right now.

I think I got a validation of my feelings. I'm like, he's crazy. I can't talk to him. And then when he does burpees, they were like. But it was good.

It was good. Hey, listen, that's called the shift move. It's something I teach in warriors. It's like a mini meditation. It's like a cocaine meditation. It's a really quick. So literally, I was losing my mind in therapy because here's what you don't hear. Here's the other side of the story. So I'm sitting there for, like, the fifth time this analogy is being given. Our therapist is comparing Danielle to a little seedling. Imagine this little hippie woman sitting there. She's comparing Danielle to this little seedling. She's like this little plant that's just growing, that needs to be sunlight. And I'm like. I'm mocking it in my mind. I'm like, bitch, please. This is the worst fucking analogy of all time. She's growing and Danielle's like, fuss. And then who am I? I'm not the plant. I'm not the, like, the little plant. I'm a tsunami. She says, and you're like a tsunami. And you just come rolling in and you just storm the plant and the plant can't grow. And Danielle's like, that's right. Tell him more. Tell him more about how he's a tsunami and I'm a plant. Finally, I'm sitting there like, I'm literally going to pick this couch up and throw it through the fucking wall right now. And I could do. There was nothing to do except for do a shift move. So I was like, Breathing hard, and I'm doing burpees. Yes. I look like a complete lunatic. And the therapist looks at Danielle with the acknowledgement of it is, there is no help for you two. You're both fucked. Yes. You should probably run. Very. She literally had the look in her eyes like, you're fucked. You should probably go find someone else. You know what, though? I think she did.

After you did your burpees, you sat down and you were like, I'm good. I got it. And I was like. And I was, like, cheering inside, like, Jesus. But really, she's singing, dear Lord, thank you for. Thank you for the hippie therapy.

Oh, I love it.

I literally. But you kind of, like, collected yourself. And then it was like, we could get past where we had not been able to get past in our arguments in the past, because I'd get pissed, and you get pissed, and they'd get yelling, and then shit would fly, and, like, we're like. And so.

And then we went. The problem was, if we were alone during that, what would have happened?

Nothing. That's. I'm saying we got past that. That initial, like. Like triggering one another. And my. When he triggers me, I go into robot mode where I, like, say things where I'm like, oh, yeah, she'll just jab the shit out and I'm gonna twist a little harder. Because girls are bitchy like that. Okay. So sometimes we like to jab when the guy's blowing up. I'm just throwing my daggers. I'm twisting them around. Like, how does that feel? And that's not productive. No, it doesn't do anything. And so anyways, we were. And I'm like, either way, like, don't let us fool you. Like, that's kind of what's going on. But it made us get past that point of the conversation and actually, like, uncover more. I guess you could say, well, she.

Kept us in the fight is what she did. She kept us in the fight, and we weren't able to stay in a fight. And for those of you listening, like, I literally cannot say. I'm not saying most therapists are horseshit, but what I can't do. I'm gonna give you some pointers on this. We went to two different types of therapists. We were going to two therapists a week. We literally had, like, a main therapist and a mistress on his side therapist. And we told them both every week, I like perspective. It was because one was more like me and was, like, kind of looking at Danielle, like, you know, why don't you Just give him blowjobs. And I was like, I really like this therapist. And then we had another therapist, was the hippie one that was comparing me to the tsunami, and Danielle was the little plant. And of course, we ended up with that. Both were true. Yeah, both were true. I didn't need a blowjob, and I was a tsunami. Needed a blow job.

Bring down the swamp.

I guarantee it would. All right, there are some theories that if. If there were just more blowjobs given out around the world, there'd be less wars. How do you feel about this theory?

Should we ask Clinton?

Oh, shit.

Sorry.

I know. I like it. I like where you went with that. Okay, cool. So we'll come back to this. Like, here's the thing that therapy did, though, is therapy kept me as a man in the fight. And I was deliberate about making sure my wife had a place to feel safe to talk. That's why we ended up with hippie woman in Newport, because she was like. She was a safe place for Danielle to feel heard. And also, I could yell at her at the therapist. Like, I was yelling at Danielle. So, like, instead of yelling at Danielle, you yell at the therapist, then the therapist translates. But even though she's sitting right next to you, you're not yelling at her anymore, and she's not yelling at you. You're both yelling at the therapist and the therapist. It's this weird thing. You're, like, sitting there, you're talking, but it's not like you're talking to each other, but you are. And occasionally you'll turn and be like, are you fucking kidding me right now? And you'll. You'll remember that the person you're talking to is right here. And you're not talking through a tin can with a string connected through the therapist.

Hear it differently. It comes less emotionally charged, and it comes across a little bit more like, hey, here are the facts.

Yeah, it was good. She would put the facts back in front of us.

Facts. And then painting a scenario like, hey, look, you're a seedling. He's a tsunami.

So we went to two therapists. We went to four hours. Four hours of therapy. We started going as couples, and then we went individually and as a couple during weeks where I would go by myself, she would go by herself, and then we'd go as a couple. And we did this for two straight months. Like, we were going four hours of therapy. We were going, like, three, four hours of driving time just to get to the therapist and then get back. And then we did the Same thing with. We went from that therapy to sex therapy and actually got to open up the topic of sex with our sex therapist. And inside of sex therapy is when my entire world fucking changed.

And it's not inside of that.

Yes.

Weird. That girl did nothing for me.

I was like, no. But it wasn't what she did. She didn't do anything for us. I mean, it's not like it was a threesome. We're like sitting there though, in sex therapy and Danielle makes a statement that shatters my story forever and opens up communication for us on the sexual front. Do you remember what you said?

What did I say?

You said, I love giving blowjobs.

No, I didn't.

All right, you didn't say that. You didn't say that. But you did say something down the line of communication which was. What did you say about sex?

I think you had a story. I think. I don't know.

I did have a story about you and sex.

Yeah.

The story was very simple. My wife doesn't want to have sex. She doesn't want to touch me. She doesn't even want orgasm. She's a fucking robot.

I like sex. I'm not like a touchy feely, huggy person, but I like sex.

Yeah, well, and in that one, you said to the therapist in sex therapy, after six weeks of the hurricane of therapy with the other therapist, we go to the sex therapist and you make a comment sitting on the couch right next to me, you're frustrated and you look at her and you say, I want to get laid. I want to have orgy. I want to have sex. I want to have great sex. And I'm sitting there like I don't know who the fuck this woman is. Like, I don't even know who they have transported into this room right now. But she's shattering all my stories. Hello. Hello, Mrs. White. So anyways, my story changes inside of this one moment. So people say was the eight weeks of therapy that you guys went to. And you know, we did eight weeks of therapy, which normal people would do in a year. We accomplished in eight weeks. I was like, we're gonna fucking do this and we're gonna do it right. And this is where I'm gonna leave our show today is on the suggestion that many of you right now are never gonna get to a place where you can follow some three step strategy to communicate. What you're going to need to do is get into a threesome. That's interesting advice.

Oh my God.

You're gonna need to get into a Threesome, but not the kind of threesome. Where's your dirty mind going here? I'm trying to keep this show clean. For God's sakes.

You're never trying to get this show.

Listen, a threesome in the following. A threesome in communication. You're gonna need a third party in the communication chain to keep you on point in the heat of the battle, which is to go to therapy. Are you suggesting they go to therapy?

Yeah, but you know what, it's different for everybody because I'll have people tell me I've been going to therapy and it's not doing anything and I'm like.

I'm like, we're a little interesting though people. But overall, would you say, can you. Is therapy gonna hurt somebody to go as a couple?

No, I think if you're in a place where you want to work on your relationship, it was great for us. Cause it again gave us a sounding board and I felt like we were able to move past. You know what I would say? One thing I would say about therapy really, really quick is when you go to therapy, be real. If you wanna do fuckin burpees. Do fuckin burpees.

That's right.

Because you have to get past your shit. So if you're that guy or that girl that's throwing jabs and you're that or you're that guy that's blowing up, be real. Don't be afraid to even like be real in front of a therapist. Like you're paying them, it should be a safe place. I'm not saying like you have to blow up and like attack one another, but I'm just saying like be real about your feelings so that you can actually like accomplish what you went there for.

So yeah, so there we go. We're going to wrap up today's show on communication and we're going to leave you with a little challenge for this week. Your date night challenge of the week is to actually talk about going to therapy. Now some of you were in shitty situations, you wanted to get better. Makes sense. You're like, we're in a shitty situation. Some of you in a good situation, you want to go to. Great. Some of you were in a great situation. Therapy and three way conversation is not just for people who are in a completely fucked up situation. It can help you across the board. That is the challenges week for our date challenge, which is to engage in the conversation with your spouse about starting therapy together. And it may take a little while to find the therapist who you like and somebody that can get you back into the communication chain. But it definitely had a huge impact on our ability to communicate, our ability to go through the game inside of marriage. I would say even therapy came at a perfect time for us that even saved our marriage. But the thing that saves our marriage more than anything and it's happening tonight, is what Danielle?

Date night.

Date night. Tell them why date night is the simplest form of the game to restoring communication, connection, intimacy, passion, fashion, love, and everything else inside of marriage.

Well, I said this before, but if you want something good, you gotta put in the time.

And the time we're committed to is one day a week, one night a week, or during the day without children, without friends, just you and your partner going on a date night or a date day or a date morning and enjoying the communication and connection with just each other. My friends, thanks so much for being here in this particular show. If you'd like access to the show, notes, tips, tricks, and all the video, audio and text versions of this show, make sure you head over to dateyourwifenow.com DateYourWifeNow.com Also, this show is available in video, on itunes, in Google play, in Stitcher, in SoundCloud. I should say audio. And we'd love to have you subscribe and leave us a review. Thanks so much for being here. We'll be back next week with my favorite topic. My favorite topic. We're back around the loop. We just finished up communication. We're heading back to blowjobs.

Oh, my God.

I don't know why I like to say that word. Do you like to say that word all the time? You do? Really?

I'm just saying that we're gonna be.

Back with the topic of sex and marriage, and inside of that, we're going to be discussing how to communicate what you actually want sexually. Do you need more with your partner? I would say I do need more blowjobs.

Listen, there's Christmas. There's your birthday.

Oh, boy. Yeah, exactly. We're gonna be able to communicate this live on air, it appears. My friends, thanks so much for being here and we love having you here at the date your wife podcast. Raising up the ranks here, sitting in the top one or two in all categories that we're currently involved in. Thank you so much for your support. Share the show with somebody else. Make sure that you're subscribed in itunes, Google Play, Stitcher, SoundCloud, leave us a review and we'll be back next week to talk about, well, blowjobs and sexual preferences in married life.