The Power of Space | Date Your Wife | Ep 034

Hey, everybody, this is your boy, Garrete White, the founder of wake up Warrior and your co host here in the date your wife podcast, currently sitting in the Cabo airport with my wife. We are coming back from our 15th anniversary and we had a little two day trip here. I'm sitting right next to Danielle, who is relaxing in a nice purple, purple chair inside the VIP lounge in Los Cabos. Talk to us about this anniversary trip and why it was your greatest anniversary trip ever.

You know, we decided to plan this last minute because it's the end of the summer and we both had been working like crazy and I decided why not? Let's have one last hurrah. And of course, our anniversary was a good excuse to make it happen. So tell us today on the show, what are, what, what are we covering today? I'm pretty sure it's parenting. Correct, so parenting.

So we're talking about parenting via telephone.

We're going to talk about parenting as we're currently not with our children sitting in the airport waiting for our flight and see how this goes.

Okay. What that really meant was because we're not in studio, it gives my wife an excuse to edit pictures on Instagram for her MBR page while pretending like she's actually doing a podcast. Are you gonna participate with us today, Mrs. White, or are you going to just edit photos on the Instagram? So here's a question I have for you. Why is, why is away actually make you a better parent? That is a principle we're going to discuss today. Why time away from your children actually makes you better with your children. Here we go, mom.

Well, I find that a lot of people.

I'm not calling you, like, my mom, like, for real. I'm just saying, like, you're the mom. Let's go.

I find that most people, well, us included, you kind of end up volleyballing your kids back and forth. Meaning, like, especially if, for me, as a mom, like, if you're with your kids a lot, you're kind of like, okay, it's your turn. And I think it's crucial to have time together and not just kind of volley the kids around because then you can kind of reconnect. And then when you go back, you're both feeling like, I don't know, rejuvenated and like you actually want to. Your kids are not driving you crazy. And not to say that our kids always drive us crazy, but there's, I think that that time together just makes you go back and be more, I would say, present with my kids at Least because there's days that I just am, like, going, you know, going through the checklist as a mom, like, getting everything done that needs to get done, and I feel like it's. It's like, I don't know, like, when I go away, I feel like I just gotta go home and have a little more quality time with my kids. I feel like. Plus, it's like our relationship's on point. And I think that kids notice. I mean, kids notice when parents fight. They notice when they're arguing. They notice if they're kissing too much. Like that, you know, they notice. Well, like, I'm just saying, like, Bailey will be like, when they're. We're fighting, our kids will be like, don't fight. Don't fight. You know, and then if we're, like, kissy and, like, cutesy together, our kids are like, ew, gross. But, you know, they notice that. And I think that. That little things like that are like, as you get older, you're kind of like, oh, yeah, my. My parents liked each other. I think that kids can pick up on, you know, the energy you have with your significant other, and if you expect them to have good relationships, you have to lead by example.

So this time away, though, is a little less difficult of a thing for guys. Guys are always excited to go away because typically, going away on vacation with your wife or getting away means more sex. Not always, but sometimes. And there's a lot of guilt, though, that goes on for women, I've noticed, when it comes to leaving their children. We're about to do a. You know, the time this podcast drops, we'll be in the middle of Wake Up Warrior for Women, our first Warrior Big Edition 300 women here in Dana Point, California. You can learn more about that@wakeupwarriorwoman.com but we're gonna. This. I mean, this will inevitably be a topic that comes up for women, so. Sure.

Because I know, myself included, like, especially if you have young kids, it's so hard to leave them. And it's almost like, for me, there's, like, so much anxiety leading up to the vacation. And then when you're actually on the vacation, you're just kind of. It's like you're relaxed when you're finally on the vacation. But it happens, like, every time. And I talk to other moms, and I'm like, even though you go and you have a good time, there's always this weird anxiety leaving leading up to the vacation. But then you just have to tell yourself, no, it's Fine. And you can't be that. To be honest, I know some women who are like, oh, I can't travel because, you know, my kids are little and it's something that they do later. And I feel like that anxiety really never goes away unless you just push forward. So you just like have to go on these trips and, and do these and then you realize like, your kids are going to be just fine. And so I think that's kind of like a story that we create and it's very fear based. And so for me, I just like, I hate when I feel like trapped in a story. So for me, I felt like I was pushing the story away because it was almost controlling me and I wasn't able to like live my life and also like have fun. Like, I don't know what are your thoughts?

So I will give you example. There's a guy inside of Wicker Boyer and we'll use his name, but he had a vacation planned. They were going international for 10 days. And the only people who they give permission to watch their children driven by the wife, just so you know, is the mothers. So the mom of the mother of the husband of the man and his mother in law, which is a mother obviously of his wife. Well, there was. One of the mothers was already out of town and the other mother was scheduled to handle stuff but got sick and had some problems. And they didn't trust the condition of the mom to be able to watch their kids for 10 days. So they canceled this entire 10 day trip for the two of them. They've been planning now for, I don't know, three or four years they were planning this trip. They lost a ton of money on flights and all these other things and they didn't go. And there was all this like, well, you know, we can't go, we can't go, we can't go. And I asked him a question. I said, bro, can you see how your entire world has been held hostage by the fact that the only people who you will trust to watch your children are your parents? And interestingly enough, as much as I love grandparents, I don't know if grandparents are actually the best people to watch your children. So Danielle's got an opinion on this. Off you go.

Free help is never the best help. Free help is never the best help. I think it's, I don't know, I find that, no disrespect to my mom, but when I've had her watch the kids, like to deal with my own nervousness and anxiety. I, I like Things done a certain way. And not to say that she wasn't a good mom, but I know my kids and I know what, what schedule I like them on, what structure I like them on. Like, I just know. And so I. If my mom would always say, I got it, I got it, I can help. But then things were not done the way I liked them to be done. And she would always come back to me and say, danielle, I've had six kids. I don't know what I'm doing, or I know what I'm doing. Why don't you trust me? But it was just for my own anxiety and for my own stress. I'd rather pay somebody so that I know it's being done the way I want it being done. And so for me, it wasn't worth having free help. And I don't know. It's not to say that I don't appreciate when. When my parents help from time to time, but I also think too, I know in my experience, my mom had a lot of. She had six kids and she's got many grandchildren. And it got to this place where I felt bad because I had older siblings that were always using her when their kids were younger. So I felt bad. And it was just like she was obligated to watch them. And I never wanted her to feel like she was obligated to watch my children. And I didn't want her to feel, like, guilted into it. So I'm still okay if my mom, you know, I'll have them. We've had them come down and watch for an overnight stay or, you know, if they're in town and we want to go on a date night or whatnot that we've had my parents watch. But I just don't want my mom to ever feel like she has to watch them or any kind of guilt towards it as a mom. And then also for my own anxiety, just kind of, I. I'd rather pay somebody. So on a regular basis, it's done the way that makes me feel more comfortable. So that's kind of my story with, like, hiring help versus, like, having family help. And I think that a lot of people just expect family to help, and I think that's weird. I think it puts a lot of guilt on both sides.

So I'm going to keep adding this conversation. You're going to look around so you can see our tickets.

Oh, I have them.

Okay, good. I don't know where you put them. Are they in that bag?

Yeah, I have. Right here.

Okay, good. I look Good. I couldn't find the tickets. I was like, right, we're gonna miss our flight. First day school, miss the event. Okay, so this entire game, then, that Danielle's speaking of, from a guy's perspective, really comes down to you as a man taking a stand for creating space for you and your wife. This means one of the big hurdles you're going to have to overcome is getting your wife to be okay with hiring help that is not free and is not part of the family. Now, Danielle, you're going to have to put your Instagram away because I have to, actually. Nope. You're looking at pictures and clicking and editing. Put your phone down and stay focused. When your energy leaves the show, everyone listening knows that you just went to Instagram. So anytime you feel I was looking for our flight tickets. That has nothing to do with Instagram. All right, listen. What was the transition for you in going from. Because you used to be in a place where we only had free help, and then we made a shift, and we moved to Arizona, and we didn't have family anymore, and you had to make the shift. And it's when we first started hiring, like, nannies, and we started hiring babysitters, and we started going to websites like care.com to find a babysitter. It's how we found our girl called Tori. Right now. Talk about the transition, though, going from, I'm not gonna have free help anymore for my family. I'm gonna actually start paying for help. And how you overcame the idea that it's not just. It wasn't somebody that you knew.

Free help is never free. Like, it's not. And I hate that there's, like, this. I feel like there's, like, this debt in the universe with family, where it's like, well, I watched your kids, so you have to watch mine. Or, I brought. I brought you dinner, so you have to bring me dinner. I sent my kids over to help you, so now you. It's like this. Always cashing in of a favor and especially with family and close friends. And I hate. I hate that universal rule, like, ice. Like, if I do this, then you have to do this. Like, it's one thing. It's like, hey, I want to do this for you. And then karma brings it back and somebody does something nice for you. But I hate the game of feeling like you're in debt and there's no such thing as free help. When you go in with a mindset of, like, I'll do this for you, and then you owe me, and then I Also hate asking a lot of times for help, because then I feel this weird mom guilt that I do owe them even. So it's like, for me, like, if somebody wants to genuinely do it, I have to work on, like, okay, I have to accept that they want to give this to me or help with this or whatever, and I don't have to feel, like, this guilt of, like, having to give back to them. But everybody's different because there are some people that operate, that we've had with friends and family where I'm like, I don't want you to help me because you're gonna want to cash in chips later. And I don't operate that way. And so that drives me nuts. And so that's when I get to this place where I'm like. I think I'm kind of, like, stubborn and independent, too. So I'm like, I don't want to have to rely on anybody. I want to be able to just kind of. Basically, yeah, I just don't want to have to rely on anybody because I don't want to. I want to be able to, like, plan a trip and. Or plan a date night and not feel like, will you. Is it okay? Like, I don't want to put you out, but can you help? You know what I mean? I'd rather just be like, hey, can I pay you? And this is an opportunity for you. And you like my kids, and my kids like being with you. So I get it. It's like, family can be a great thing. And I'm not saying, like, you shouldn't have family help at all, but I think that there's. I find there's so many couples, especially if they live in the same town, like, forever. They don't even. They're like, well, why would I pay a babysitter? Like, my mom is happy to watch him. I'm like, is she. Is she happy to watch him? Is she watching him because she's guilty? She feels the guilt, like, she has to watch him. Like, it's just. It just seems like a weird relationship that, in the long term, may not be the healthiest choice.

So my mom went through this with my siblings, and my siblings were very, very, very much. I appreciate. Look at that. You didn't go right back to Instagram. You instantly went there like, you're the addict, like, little cocaine head. And then you went back, and then you were like, something visually entertaining. Well, how do you do it in the studio?

I watch us on video.

Just watch me. Watch my face.

Okay?

Watch my glowing Face. So here you can watch football on tv. So there's a situation my mom, like, years ago, where my mom, like, finally got this point where she was like, I'm sick and tired of like, like, wearing myself out for everyone. She's like, I've already raised all my kids. I don't want to. I don't want to raise your children too. My job as a grandma is not to babysit every time. And you need a babysitter. It's not to take care of your kids anytime you don't have things handled. My job is not to come to your house and clean up for you. I already did that with five children and I did that for 30 years. Like, I'm done. I'm gonna do my thing. And it was funny when my mom took that stand.

Single parent, too. The single parent who, like, I think the parent feels bad if, like, literally the parent can't avoid or not avoid afford child care. You know what I mean? And then they feel like. Then the grandma steps in and feels.

Like she has to help, which that happens. I mean, we've had single people on our side. My. My brother was single with his son for a while. Your sister was sitting for a while with her kids.

I think it could be like a season. Like, if. If somebody's in. Thank you. If somebody's in, you know, struggle or whatnot, it's great. Like, maybe they can help them get on. Get on their feet for like a year and help them with the kids. But if you're like the long term play of like watching somebody's kids or raising them for like 5, 6, 7, 10 years, I don't know if that's like, the best solution.

So my mom took a stand and she's like, I'm not doing this anymore. And my brothers and sisters got super angry. My sister got angry, my brother got angry. Like, everybody got angry at my mom. They're like, what's wrong with mom? She has no clue. She's like the worst mom ever. La la la la la la la. Like, this became the speech. And I was like, oh, my God, are you guys listening to yourselves? I was like, we never have my parents watch our kids ever. Like, never. Danielle's mom would watch her kids occasionally, but I was like, I just, I just wasn't my thing. And you have all my siblings looked at my mom as this obligatory. Because we're going out of town, because we're going on a cruise, because we're going here. You need to be wanting to watch our kids. Like, I'm telling you right now, I'm going to love my grandkids but there's going to be zero desire in me to want to watch their children for them. I'm not going to watch your kids and raise your children for you. That's your job, that's you as a parent. So my mom like stepped away from this and she took on her own path and it was so bad that my mom had a moving to out of state, to Hawaii so that she had a justifiable excuse to be able to live her own life literally because she was in the same community. So sometimes we look at this and we look at this from a position of oh, you know, well, I don't, I don't trust anyone else. My mom loves our kids. My mom loves our kids. Or maybe, maybe a lot of your mothers that you are putting this compelled action on, maybe you're actually fucking their lives up. Maybe it's not so joyous as you think it is. Maybe not only if you handicapped yourself as a couple because now you're constantly restricted by what the other parent can do, but what somebody else can do for free. But on top of this also you become a parent who is highly assumptive and entitled in the sense that you think that your parents should be watching or your sister should be watching your kids for you. When in reality, gentlemen, you producing a solution to be able to take your children and have them watched by someone you care about, who's inside the circle of trust with you that you can bring in. Like we have with Tori.

It's so funny too. I wanted to add like, so my, we live in California and my parents are, they currently live in Utah. And it was so funny because I've always had to hire help and wanted to hire help and they would always come in town and I would get so pissed off because I'd come home from work and when my parents were in town they're like, we sent the babysitter home and yet the house was a mess. The kids were outside playing on the street and that's when I was literally, literally on the street, like, right? And she was like, oh, they're fine. And I'm like, mom, this is not like, I'm not saying you weren't a good mom, but we don't like this day and age. Like we don't send our 4 year olds out to ride around the neighborhood. Like we just don't do that. And so she like the way she parented, you know, 30 years ago is not the Same way we would parent. And it's not to say that she wasn't a good parent then, but I was just bugged because I'm like, mom, I'm not even paying this. This babysitter hourly. She works salary for me. Like, why don't you go get a pedicure? Why don't you take a nap? You don't want. You didn't need to send her home. And my mom was thinking, like, feeling guilty that the babysitter's there and she's not doing anything, so she should just send her home, and the kids are fine. But my mom was tired and she didn't want to watch the kids. So it was this weird. Do you remember that? It was, like this weird thing where I was, like, so pissed because she sent them home because she was feeling guilty that she wasn't helping out. But I was like, I was bugged because my house was a mess. My kids are out riding on the street by themselves. So that's what I'm talking about when I'm like, there's certain, like, a babysitter is there and she's working. She's with the kids. She's keeping the house clean. She's not just, like, there to monitor. And I didn't want. My mom was on vacation. I didn't expect her to watch the kids. So I told her, I'm like, mom, you didn't need to do that. And I was trying not to be bugged, but she didn't understand the situation.

So all of this, when it comes to babysitter side of it. Did you go back to Instagram? You went right back. You are a little crackhead.

Going to see what time it was and what time our flight was on Instagram? No, I just always scroll down out of habit.

You want to.

You. It's so hard for you.

The minute you say an ide, you immediately want to go to Instagram, you little instagracket.

Okay, you guys, he's giving me. But I'll tell you what. Like, when you're in the middle of, like, writing some copy or editing some photos or preparing a post, and then somebody is like, he. We started this podcast when I was, like, right in the middle of preparing a post, so I put it on hold. But my brain. I'm a very checklist person, and my brain keeps going back to, the job's not finished.

All right, all right. Well, we're almost done with the show, and then you can get back to your action. So the point of all the babysitter and the nanny. And any of this conversation is space away from your kids so that you can be a better parent. Now here's what I can tell you. I get space away as a man inside of my business, and so does Danielle. But getting space away for a man, for some of you, are in situations where your wife is home with the kids all the time. Like she doesn't have her full time job, CEO mom at home, dealing with the kids all day long. Then you come home from work and you want a break from work. But then you're in a situation where what she's, what's going to happen, either she's going to transfer the kids to you and you're going to start to run it so she gets some space. But more often not. What ends up happening is a woman ends up running the show. Clear until nighttime, clear through the weekend, never a break in sight. The same woman never gets taken on date nights, never gets taken on vacation. Feels guilty that she wants to go anywhere at any time because the man has literally created a game where he's like, oh, dude, I'm tired of working all day, I need some space. But then the kids come to you, but then you feel overwhelmed, so you're pushing back to her. And all this can be avoided if you just did a couple things. One, you want a one or two date nights a week. Two, you went on a trip every quarter together, overnight trip away from your children. It's not a hard game. Everything else can maintain itself exactly the same. But you've got to pay for the time, the energy, effort. Some guys are like, well, I don't have enough, I don't have money to get a babysitter. I'm like, bullshit. You got enough money, Put gas in your car. Yeah. I was like, you'll have enough money that you'll have enough money to get, you'll have enough money to get what you believe is important to you. And if you don't believe spending time with your wife every single week away from your children and giving her space away from the children is important. And if you don't believe giving yourself as a couple a chip every quarter away from your children together, then of course you're never going to have enough money for this.

Well, and what's so funny is like I, again, I own a salon in the Gaona beach, so I speak to a lot of women and it was funny. I was, I was recently talking to a woman who has six kids and also works and she was like, I don't Know how you guys go out once a week? I'm like, once a week? We go out twice a week. And she's like, oh, my God, like, we're. We're lucky to go out once a month. And then she goes, but you know what? I just don't have the desire. Like, we don't need it. And like, the whole time I'm like, this is fucking bullshit. Like, this is your story because you feel guilty paying a babysitter and not being supermom. So all you ladies out there also listening to this. Stop trying to be superwoman. It's not serving you. You need to surrender, like, to the fact that date nights are important, vacations are important, regardless of the anxiety you have of anybody watching your children. Guess what? You're not the only person that can parent for your children. The. I think we want to be superwoman, but it's really kind of a control thing. So you have to let go of the control in order to have what actually serves you best. And I know that sounds crazy because as women, we are control freaks. Like, let's be real. And yet we don't get ultimately what we want. If you want something, you have to kind of let go. And this goes with having somebody help you out with your kids and also making it a of part priority. I know with Garrett, he. I had to make traveling a priority because I saw what it did for our marriage. I saw the importance it did, and I literally was like, no, we're. We're taking. We're taking two mandatory family trips a year, Big trips. We went to Europe a couple weeks ago. It was an eight day trip. And it was. It was an amazing experience. And then we have probably. We probably take about six or seven little mini vacations throughout the year that are like, amazing for our relationship. Plus, we go on two date nights a week. So, ladies, I'm telling you right now, like, stop trying to be superwoman. Stop trying to say, oh, I don't need it, I don't need it. That's the guilt telling you that you don't need it, and maybe surrender to another possibility, another story, and see how that serves you.

So what does space away give you? Space away from the children. You just went right back to Instagram. I can tell. It's a habit. The minute there's a space in any action, you immediately go to Instagram. Should do finger puppets.

Like, I'm that person. Like, I. Yeah, yeah, it's all good.

All right, so here's the point. We're going to summarize this show with the following Space away from the kids creates perspective and power. Perspective on your children, perspective on your marriage, perspective on your life. This step away perspective is no different than a business owner stepping and working on the business versus working in the business. Do you know why they have executive retreats? They have executive retreats because that's the leadership. They take them away from their environment. I lead these executive retreats for large companies that bring their people to me in California. We run huge experiences and evolutions with them for two to three days. Then they head back to their towns, back to their home where they're at, where their corporate offices are and they get to work. Why do they take these retreats every six months to a year? Why? Because these retreats are required to be able to get guys outside the business enough to be able to look at the difference the business from a different place. When you move away from working in the family and in the relationship and you start to work on the relationship and on the family by taking trips away, taking date nights away, you gain perspective. And that perspective gives you power. It gives you the ability to discover, discuss things about your kids. It gives you the ability to discuss things about your future. It gives you ability. We were doing this yesterday in the pool. We were setting our targets for 2018 and 19 of where we expect to be by January 1st of 2020. That conversation is not going to happen normally in between peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Lucky charms and fighting the kids during shower time. Like this is not happening. Like we're not going. Hey, babe, by the way, I know the kids are screaming right now, but where do you want to be? January 1, 2019, you know, or 2020, that's that conversation's not happening. So hiring help, creating the game. Regular date nights every week we say minimum one up to two, one day nights longer one is shorter. And then we have the trip. Doesn't have to be long, doesn't have to be for you don't have to go to Europe or somewhere small. You could even be a staycation where you actually stay inside your city, but you go to a different part of the city and you stay in a hotel overnight.

There's a. I think happens too. So if your kids are older, literally like you can do a date night every night if you wanted. What happens with a lot of couples? I find when their kids are out of the house, they're like, I don't know if I want to go on that many date nights with you. Or they go out and they will we'll sit. We'll be at dinner next to somebody, and they literally are just, like, staring at each other. And, like, there's no. There's no conversation. And it's like. It just seems weird. I feel like if the time that you have kids and you're raising your kids is so crucial. So if you're listening to this and you have young children, this is the time that's most crucial to make sure that you keep that connection, to keep those date nights. Because you don't want to be, you know, in your 50s and your kids are all raised, and you're looking at them like, well, I don't hate you, but I don't really have anything to talk to you about. You have to work on having that chemistry, that spark. And it's so much simpler than people think. They think, like, oh, 10 years, I'm just gonna raise my kids. And then at the end of the 10 years, like, we did it. Check the box, and we're good. But all of a sudden, it goes by so fast, and you realize when there's no kids in the home, how much you have grown apart. So it's important to kind of keep that connection, regardless of the cost.

So you can look at it this way. You're going to either hire help, stay connected, or you're going to get a divorce, and that's expensive as shit, Way more expensive than a babysitter. Or you're going to stay together and not get a divorce and not get help, and then you're going to pay for therapy when you're in your 50s and 60s, and you're going to deal with this emotional place of dysfunction in which you hate your life, and you end up taking sleeping pills to go to sleep, and you take caffeine pills to wake up, and you hate your life. And literally, you look at your husband, you look at your wife, and like, what the are we doing? So people tell me, oh, it's too expensive. I don't have the money. I have the money. I'm like, bullshit. If there's anything, anything that you don't have that you must have the money for, it's creating time and space for you two as a couple, because without it, literally, you are creating yourselves down a path to hell.

And also, like, I think when children are. I think when children are younger, like I was talking about earlier, like, they notice every little thing. And so you think, oh, we're just. You're. We talk about a lot how you kind of go into roommate mode, and maybe you're like, not arguing. And maybe you're just busy and content and, and you love your husband or wife, but you're just kind of in this content mode. And I genuinely think that kids notice, like, if parents actually have that chemistry, that spark, that love for one another. And it's important that we teach our children that that's what you want to aspire for with your future, with your future spouse. So it's, I don't know, I just think that, like, raising your kids can be such a blur, but it doesn't have to be. And I would encourage everybody who's listening to this, if you have young kids, to make an effort to keep that connection so that when your kids aren't, when your kids are older, you don't have to rebuild that connection. I'm not saying when your kids are older, you're like, screwed. I don't want to be married. But I'm sure that there's this place where you're like, oh, we have to rebuild this connection. And what if you always keep kept that connection through the crazy times of raising young children?

So that gives us a summary for this week's show. We're in Cabo and in a few minutes we got to go board our plane and hope you guys enjoyed this podcast. Again, a couple of things I look to note there. We have some huge opportunities that opened up recently, one of which is the acquisition of Be the Man the Book. So if you're a man listeners, you have not got a copy of this book. It is available currently in Amazon. Search Be the Man Garrett J. White. Search Be the Man Garrett J. White and you will find Be the man the book, $20. We'd love to have that shipped to you. Yes, Amazon prime is available. We'll ship that game to you overnight. Quick, quick, quick. Like we also have the audiobook coming available in Audible and itunes, Google Play and any other place where you find audiobooks here in the next three weeks, this will be amazing tool for you to get started on that path. Go check out the Be the Man the book today. On top of this, also, viewer stylists happen to be listening to the show. Again, we encourage you to head on over to bigmoneystylist.com and if you are looking for any other further conversation around the idea of Danielle and her style and fashion, anything else she's up to. You can catch all of that by heading over to DKWStyling.com thanks so much for being here this week. We look forward to seeing you guys next week. And we'll have a full report from the Warrior Week woman event with 300 women that are happening here over the next three days starting tomorrow. Until then, have a great week.