The Tease and the Tame | Date Your Wife | Ep 006

Well, hello there, my friends. This is Garrett J. White, founder of Wake up Warrior and also your co host here at the date your wife podcast. I'm here with this beautiful one itching her eyeball. Hair looks fab. Tabulous.

Thanks.

And she's the founder of DKW Styling. And together we have come together to do a podcast for married folks on the idea of, well, business and life. And pretty much four topics. The ideas of sex, the idea of money, the topic of parenting, and ultimately the topic of communication. We have made our rounds now through the pilot episode and the first four topics of sex, money, parenting, and communication. And we are back around.

Should we add another topic?

We should. We should add another topic called sex. Round two.

What's another topic? Married people.

I don't know. I'm need you to talk into that microphone, though.

No.

Yes. You refuse. I don't know why you refuse that microphone.

Because it's. Why are you all up in my bubble?

It's all up in your bubble. You're like, bubble. What fifth topic would you add? If you could add a fifth topic, what would you add?

I don't know. Let's ask the viewers. What do you guys want to hear?

Why would you add a fifth topic? There's only four weeks in a month. Are you just trying to be weird right now?

That's true, but it doesn't matter. The weeks keep going, the months keep going, the years keep going. You could add another topic, but why?

Like, that's like saying I could. That's like saying I could add, like, seven, tops.

Oh, I'm screwing up your order.

Why are you screwing up my frame? That's kind of like how the game works when it comes to sex.

I just like to mess with you sometimes.

Exactly how it comes when it comes to the topic of sex. So today we're gonna talk about teasing your husband. Yep, that's gonna be our topic. I just decided right now it's gonna be about how to tease your husband, but also as a man, how to tame yourself.

There you go.

So that your wife will choose to tease. So let's. Let's have a talk here. Date your wife. Danielle, give it to him. Why are we doing this show?

Seduction.

Well, seduction and sex, I think that is the teasing and that is the taming at the same time.

The tease and the tame.

The tease and the tame.

Okay.

Do you ever tame? Do you ever have to, like, hold, like, constrain yourself from trying to touch me? Has this ever happened? Shit. The answer is no, not one time. I'VE ever been, like, so amazingly fantastic. You were so turned on.

Yeah, it's just so much easier for guys, literally. I think it's a lot harder for girls. Guys, I could just be like, I want to distract him. Literally. Just walk through the bedroom in a pair of underwear. A cute lacy pair of underwear.

Ass cheeks out.

It doesn't matter how focused you are. You're so easily seduced. But women, on the other hand, it takes a lot more. And honestly.

So when I wore my thong across the bedroom and had my hairy ass cheeks, that was not inspiring to you?

You didn't ever wear it?

No, but there has been some times I fucked around. Remember, I did the tomfoolery and I wore. I wore my underwear and I pulled it up like a fan.

I see it when guys do it. You're almost like, oh, no, no, it's cute. You know what does it for girls? Maybe just for me.

Okay.

I don't know. I like it when a guy's like, specifically like you. Cause I'm married to you.

Well, okay, that's a good example.

Then you don't even notice me looking like. You're in your element. And you're not necessarily prancing around the bedroom naked. It's like, I'm more attractive to you when you're in your element. Like, you could be speaking on stage. You could just be like, I don't know. For me, I'm just like, oh, yeah, that's my husband. And then I get that same kind of butterfly effect. I'm sure that you do, watching a lacy thong walk across the room, but it's different.

Like, you literally get turned on. You imagine having sex with me on a. On a chair in the auditorium while I'm speaking.

Yeah. I'm like, I'll rip his clothes off.

Are you serious? You literally have this thought you like, I will. I will get it. I will give it to that guy.

Right now on his face tonight. Okay. Too far.

Oh, well, I like it. Not too far. This is great intel. This. I mean, this is fantastic intel.

I just like when you see a man who's confident and in his element, that is sexy.

Okay, I can appreciate that. So I've got my sexy back when I'm in my element. But what my element is not, is prancing around the bedroom, pulling my underwear up like a thong and doing the mockery.

That's more like scarring. You're like, oh, this went the other way. You might as well have left the bathroom door open while taking a shit.

All Right. You know what? Not too far. You brought us to a topic. We have a friend.

I never know how far I can take it on this podcast.

You can take it as far as.

You'D like to know how many people are listening. So I just.

I literally have no boundaries.

I know that's right.

With you. You could go anywh.

I just keep it real. Okay.

I might not like, you know, anyways. There's some places I probably wouldn't go, but nonetheless, like, now that I'm thinking about it, let's start with a random side topic. Here's a question. Are you ready? Dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Needed a drum roll.

Should a man and woman allow their partner to know that they fart and shit?

That's really where you were going with this?

Yeah, I'm going with that.

You need a drum roll to know that. Okay.

I just needed the question because I'm going to give an example of a couple who. He has never. Never once.

I think that's nice.

Ever known that his wife actually takes a shit and it smells?

No. You know, if I could give some advice to young.

This is a part of the seduction game.

Okay. But if I could give a little bit of advice to young married couples. Like, you get married and all of a sudden the doors left open. Like, gross. Like, pretend like you're still dating at some level and, like, shut the door. Like, that's just so you don't do.

So you, like, cover it up.

I don't know. If I came in the room and the door was open and you were taking a shadooby, I'd be like, oh, don't know. Need to know basis.

Really Inspiring.

Is it? No, No. I think, you know what? You just have to have common courtesy even when you're married. And if that means shutting the bathroom door, like, come on.

Okay.

I think most people do. I think it's weird when couples are like, oh, my wife, she. I always. I'm like, weird. Like, super weird.

Yeah. I'm not coming in to take a shit in your bathroom and talk to you while you're doing your hair getting ready for the day.

No.

And you know, it's not gonna probably work out.

For the seduction side, we get ready at different times. And now in our new home, we have separate bathrooms, so.

But we didn't have separate bathrooms. That was. That has made it much easier. Would you agree?

I think, yeah.

Separate bathrooms has made it easier.

I think that they should build all homes with separate closets and bathrooms. Like, but what if it's a small window. You know what? You know what grosses me out? Okay, this isn't really on the topic of sex, but, like, when we did share a bathroom, and I'd, like, go in to get ready, and I'm like, oh, my God, like, rinse your shaving hairs down the sink. Like, why?

That does not turn on. That doesn't turn you on when you see this?

No, like. Or I'm like, why is there toilet paper glued to the toothpaste? And how did that get there? Were you attempting to wipe the hair?

I was actually trying to wipe the toothpaste hard part off.

Yeah, see, so now I don't have to look at your hairy toothpaste.

So this is actually all very relevant. I want you all to listen here as our listeners to this show. As you can tell, this is not exactly the normal programming that you may find on atypical couples talking about marriage and that we'll gather together in marriage and we shall talk about the principles of marriage. Why marriage is amazing. Do you have a voice? Because I just. I just brought the voice out. Do you have. Oh, it's got a voice. In a marriage, you got a voice like this. You got one. Because you're literally on the camera right now. I'm not taking it off until you do a voice.

I can't.

You got a voice.

I'm not taking the voice. No, it's kind of like leaving the bathroom door open. There's some things that you don't need to do, and the voice is one of them.

You save that voice for later.

Oh, my God.

Okay. All right, so we're getting off the voice here. We're coming. All right, so literally, like, you may think there's no point to this show, and there actually is a point to this show. You're like, I'm not sure what the fuck these guys are talking about, where they're going.

We're on topic, Garrett. We are on topic.

We're talking about sex today, but we're talking about the things that actually get in the way of sex happening. And we're laying down some simple ideas. This is why you thought I was asking a random question about shitting, when the truth was I was asking a complete, absolute question about shitting. And these go back and forth. So what you and I are gonna do is we're gonna play a game. It's called the things you shouldn't do. The things you do that guarantee you don't get laid. Are you ready to play this game?

I think People don't.

The things you do that guarantee you will not get laid as a married man or woman. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this game?

Okay.

We've never pre planned this so we don't actually know where it's gonna go. I'm gonna start with you. Number one item on your list that should not be done. That guarantee that a man will not get laid if he does these things.

Go the hairy ass cheeks across the bedroom.

Well, that was easy. Right out of the gate. I tossed up a softball floor like a nice big one. Do not take your underwear, pull it up into a thong back location and walk across the bedroom.

Okay. I'll give you one.

You should save it because that was a good one. You might run out.

You know what is funny with you and I is we have so much fun together.

Yes.

And so there's this weird like fun friend mode and then you can't go too far or it gets weird and you feel like you're in the friend zone and you're like, well, now I want to kind of have sex. We were in the weird friend zone. Do you know what I mean?

Does the friend zone happen when I do the thong thing?

Yeah, like I.

Yes. It's like you're with a screw off friend.

Yeah. It's like I'm just with my friend, which is funny. But then don't flip into like, hey, baby. Like.

That doesn't work.

You can't go to friend. From friend mode to sexy man.

Alright. I want you to think about friend mode to sexy man. Because at some level we are friends. No, we're not friends.

No, I was gonna say, yes, we are friends.

Right. So that happens. But there are some. The transition. So we're gonna talk about the transition of today's show. How do you go from the friend zone? Is a. It's so funny. We're talking about the friend. How to get out of the friend zone as a married man. Okay. I'm gonna throw you under the bus. You ready? I'm gonna throw you under the bus. Number one thing a woman should not do to guarantee that her husband is well, ready to have sex is a married man.

Is there something that people can tell me, please?

Here it is. Are you ready? It is. Put your tampons on the back of the toilet.

That's where we're going with this.

And then get out of the bathroom into the garbage can on the top so that I have to see them when I take a piss. Well, there you go. How you feel about this. That was number one.

Okay.

You didn't really like that one.

Well, that's how you're feeling. That's how you're gonna throw me under the bus?

I literally got nothing else. I got one answer. That is it. It's my only thing.

It's the only thing.

That's the only thing.

It's the only.

You didn't say. It grossed me out about you.

I said everything else turns you on.

It makes me like. It's the one thing that like, it just when it ha. Like, I don't like seeing the tampons every day all month long. But that's why we have two bathrooms now. So now you can keep them out all you want in a little basket. You have them in a little basket behind the toilet.

Is it today?

I know, but I like, it's like this constant reminder of, like, shit, it could be the day, and then, like, whatever. So, like, that's my only thing, though. That's why I had to use it, because I got nothing else. Like, there's literally nothing else you could do that would, like, have, like, things not happen. You have literally the ability to slowly get naked and it will melt away just about, you know, anything we. So what else for guys?

Anything else, though. That's why it's funny. Like, everybody thinks, like, oh, I like. Women have so much power with that. It's craziness.

A lot of power. There's another one. I have another one. I just thought of another one. Don't criticize.

Oh, yeah, you guys. Yeah, don't criticize the naggy wife.

The naggy bitch wife mode.

I used to be there.

All right. Talk about this naggy mode thing that women do to men and then cause the men to have erectile dysfunction.

Yeah, like, nobody wants a naggy wife.

Like, not even a naggy wife wants a naggy wife.

No, nobody wants a naggy wife.

What does a naggy wife look like when you were in naggy wife mode? You know what Causing me erectile dysfunction. What? Little Ed, Coming from your criticism, actually, it's never happened. I still got a heart on, but no. Yeah, okay. Talk about it.

I think you were. No, you still always wanted to be. Have sex. Let's be clear with that. But you weren't, like, attracted to me. Yeah, yeah, there you go. You always, like, no matter. Even if you were not attracted to me, if I walked in the room naked, you still would want to have sex.

It was really hard. There's a few times I said that.

Just be clear that what you're asking, is the attraction okay factor? So a naggy wife. Yeah. I mean, we've all seen it. Maybe we've all been there. And it's like. We just. We. We're like the criticizing. Do you know what I mean? But we were. We were in a weird place with our marriage and our relationship for a while. And so, like, when Garrett would walk in the room, I found myself being so irritated, and. And I would point out, like, you.

Would point out all kinds of things.

You know what I mean?

Yeah. You're like, your chest is too hairy.

No, I wouldn't say your chest is too hairy. You did.

You said my chest was too hairy. And so then I shaved my chest, but then you said my chest was too prickly.

Well. And you know what?

And then you said I wasn't tanning, so then I went tanning.

Women nag about, like, cleaning and stuff. I would say a lot.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That never ends. I think you did that last night. Okay, so the nagging game. But what's the difference in your mind between, like, the nagging game and then the asking game? Like, because, like, the asking game, the requesting game, actually creates seduction and attraction. But the nagging game is bullshit. Go.

I think it depends on where your relationships at, because when we're in a more solid place, and I'm like, hey, babe, do you mind throwing those dishes in the dishwasher? And you're like, yep, I got it. And it doesn't sound naggy, but if we're in, like, a weird spot in a relationship and there's a lot of contention, it doesn't matter what the purse. The other person says. You could be like, hey, babe, we throw those dishes in the dishwasher. And it's like, oh, my God, I said I would. And I was like, whoa. So it just like, there's the nagging bitch, I guess you could say. But there's also, like, how is your relationship? And how. How is each individual showing up? Okay, how are you receiving that? Nagging? Is it nagging, or are you just like.

Well, maybe the nagging comes down to the energy of the relationship. Because, like, there's times you ask me to do things, and you're like, hey, this is. And I'm like, hey, I got this. You know when I tend to do it? You know, when I tend to be a little more Johnny on the spot.

Would you like to know when you've gotten laid?

Are you reading my notes? You reading my notes? Because, like, yep, that's exactly it. When I've gotten lazy. All right? So literally, do you notice a difference between how I'm Johnny on the spot when I get laid and when I'm not Johnny on the spot when I don't get laid?

We talked about this a little bit on our.

On our very first show, like, four weeks ago.

Even in last week's topic, too, how.

I was, like, parenting.

Like, I don't remember what show it was, to be honest, but I was.

Last week was communication, okay?

It was communication. And I was, like, stating, like, how, listen, like, we want things in life. Us women want things done. Maybe we do want the dishes done. Maybe we want to be provided for. Maybe we want the kids picked up. Maybe we just need help. Maybe we just want everyone to be happy. But the thing is, yeah, I notice when you're kind of on edge with work or anything like that, it's like I make sure I go out of my way to, like, relieve some of that tension for you, I guess you could say. And then, like, the next day, I just know you're gonna show up and you're like, hey, babe, I got the kids covered. Like. And so I'm like, oh, win, win, all the way around. You know what I mean?

So let's go back. Let's go back. Let's go back into time. Back to a time back when, back before the deep of connection inside of our relationship. Let's go back to when things were a shit show and there was a. There was a time where you were like, you didn't give a shit. You were like. And I was kind of like, in this place, and you were in this place.

I know.

And there was like, I don't give a shit if you're Johnny on the spot. I'm actually going to do the opposite. I'm going to continue to isolate you sexually. What are your thoughts about this? Why do you. Why were you doing this?

I think that, like, I felt like at some level I was like. I felt like you were doing things, but it was, like, grudgingly. Do you know what I mean? Like, you were doing the dishes or you were helping this and you thought if you did it, then you would get laid. Let's just put it that way. And so I didn't like it.

I for sure thought I was getting.

Laid if I did the dishes. And I don't know about you, but I hate in life feeling like I'm in. And I'm sure everybody kind of feels this way where you feel like you're like, you're taking tallies yeah, it's not. It's like. I mean, we've all had even friends and neighbors who are like, hey, can I do this? And they want to do something because they're waiting to cash in. Does that make sense? Like, they're waiting to cash in on their. What would we call that?

That's like, you know, they're coupons. I did shit for you, not do shit for me. Coupons.

And I don't like when people come at me with that energy. Like, I don't like when people, like, keep tallies on that kind of stuff. So I felt like when. When we were in that place and you were, you know, doing the dishes or doing this, it was like. It was. There was some rough energy with it. Maybe. Like, it was like. And then you would even throw it in my face. You would say, the next day, you'd be like, I did this and this and this and this and this. And you were even sharing your tally list of things you did, which would then make me even be more turned off. And I was like, okay, I didn't. I actually only asked you to do these two things. And you just named 17 things you did for me. Like, I don't work that way.

I was keeping. Do you know why I was keeping track?

Because you track things.

Because I was tracking how much sex we weren't having, too.

No, you weren't.

I was tracking.

It wasn't helping the situation.

No. But it was making me very aware of how much sex we were not having. And then I was also starting to see, like, I couldn't figure it out. Like, as a man, I was trying to figure it out. I'm like, okay, there has to be a code to break on this. Like, I can break a code in marketing. I can break a code in sales. I can break a code with building businesses and teams. I can break a code with my fitness. I can break a code as an athlete. I was like, I'm gonna break my wife's code. I'm gonna figure out what it is. And so we would go back and forth and back and forth, and I did. I spent a lot of time tracking. Like, I remember it was like this isolation game of desperation. It was like a man in the desert who was tracking when was the last time he had a drink of water? And I. And I, like, now we're great, and there was some great times of this, and we've, like, done a lot of work to get here, but there were times where, like, there were years where it was just really rough and so what I'm hearing from you is that you knowing that I was tracking it and then me putting it in your face by tracking it was not helping you.

It was like the equivalent of a naggy wife, I guess.

I was a naggy husband. I was a naggy husband. I was like, ah, this scares me, miss, do you realize? And I'm looking on my spreadsheet and it tells me that we have not had sex.

Oh, that's common for guys to track what they're doing.

Guys. Guys know exactly how many days it's been.

You know what I don't like, I don't. Here's the thing.

You don't have a penis. That's okay.

No, I don't like it either. When there's gifts bought with, like, oh.

If you buy something for you, if I buy something for you, you don't like to feel like you have to have sex with me. Does that feel like prostitution? No.

A little bit.

I'd like to meet you.

To enter, as my time explained, there is just like an energy that goes. It was like a phase for us. Like, even you'd, like, buy me, like, a nice bag. And I was like, yeah, I was.

For sure hoping for a luggage.

I was like, how many What. Give me the equation of what this equivalent to. Because I'll just take it back and buy it myself.

Because one handbag equals.

I was like, I don't know if I'm going to put in that much. That much work. Like, if I'm going to be a prostitute, I'm going to be a very expensive one. So.

Well, like, there was a moment like, you. You were pissed because I was tracking. I was pissed because it was lacking. You were. You were like. There was just this, like, game of cast. And it didn't get better for us. Like, it actually got worse before it got better. We continued down this path of like, almost this power struggle between you and I. Now, I extended this power struggle because then I took it to money. But then you were. I had already helped you, like, do some stuff with business, and then you took off and you started making money. So I started losing my ace up the sleeve. M. Because now I. Now I didn't have the ability to actually leverage anything. A money game. Because now Danielle's making her own money. Well, this is why most men end up like. It's a. It's an equal harmony between a man and a woman because a man tends to leverage money and power to get sex, and a woman will leverage sex to get power. That she wants too. Like it's like this bad give and take, give and take game that happens inside a relationship. And Danielle and I were struggling big time to figure this game out. Like back and forth. Like I even feel like some of the tension even now when we talk about it, I still feel like a little bit of like we both start to anchor in and you start to fire missiles. Like, nope, fuck you buddy. And I'm on my side and I'm like, bitch, I'm telling you right now, I will lose my fucking mind.

But it also caught. Creates a lot of polarity.

Maybe there was a lot for sure polarity. What do you mean by that?

Like just there, there's like, there's like this like er. Like this competitive. But yet I don't know.

Listen, we've been together for 17 years.

15 years.

We'll be married this year.

Spice, spiciness.

A lot of spice because of greats. A lot of. There's conflict. So what I'm actually getting from you right now is that in order to have a great sexual relationship in marriage, you actually have to have some conflict around the topic of sex. Are you agreeing with us?

I think in just conflict, conflict.

Like not like fighting, but like what? What do you mean?

I'm like trying to wrap my brain around why we work.

Well, according to the astrology people, we shouldn't work.

I know.

We're actually like, you know, oil and water.

We are like oil and water.

Oil and water. But you're the oil, I'm the water. I'll let you rub your oil on me.

What happens? What happens?

What happens? What happens. Inside of this entire conversation was Daniel and I somehow we still to this day aren't even sure exactly what happened. But there was this moment of these shifts over a period of time for us where things just started.

You know what it was to get real, I think we realized we were both super stubborn and hard headed and both like a power struggle. And we just got to this place. At least I did. I can speak from me where I was like, God damn it, you're gonna do much more together than you're gonna do on your own. So like fucking surrender. And I think that we both got to that place and we were like, literally, I can't describe it, like we just were like. It's like we both realized that we're really good together. And so I was like, wow, good for us for figuring that out. And I feel like across the board since we've been good, even our businesses are like going Crazy.

No, we were. Our business was direct, responsive.

It was like we were missing this little golden nugget to life, and we kind of figured it out.

What did we figure out? Like, what is this golden nugget that you're talking about?

You can't give people, like, a magical formula.

Well, you said there was a golden nugget. What is the nugget? Even did the hand thing, like, you held up like you were holding a nugget in your fingers. Like, it was like, a diamond. I've got this golden nugget diamond in the rough. What is this nugget? Do you have any idea?

No, the nugget was. We both realized, like, the nugget was that we both, like, surrendered at some level.

How did you surrender?

How did you surrender?

No, you can't. You can't answer my question of the question. I will answer how I surrendered. You answer how you surrendered. How did you surrender?

I literally like it, like, over a period of probably like a year or two. I was just so stubborn because I was like, I'm not getting what I want. I'm not getting what I want. I'm not getting what I want. I just finally got to this place where it was like, danielle, to get what you want, like, just. Just. He's trying to surrender. He's trying to. Maybe if you kind of surrender a little bit, maybe you guys can both kind of come across the table and meet somewhere in the middle and see what happen. But honestly, too, you know, what was a big thing for me is so I built my business, and I was kind of surpassing you. But then you built your business, and you, like, skyrocketed past me. And so there was this part of me that I just always felt like. I'm like, hey, come back and help me with my business. Let's work together. And for me, I don't know if that. For me, I felt like that was your level of surrender where you came over to my team.

Do you know why I didn't for a couple years?

I can guess.

Guess.

I think you were resentful.

Yep. And it was the only piece I had to try to leverage.

Yes. That's what it was. Cause I was like.

I was like, oh, yeah, now I'm destroying you. You are simply a peon in the business world. I will dominate you, and I would leverage that because I was feeling so hurt about sex.

And you know what else, too, though? I remember thinking, like, I was just, like, I enjoyed my business, and I liked where it was going. And I remember just Thinking, like, screw it then, because I know where this can go with him. And if he's not gonna jump on board with me, like, I'm not gonna do it. I'll just be a stay at home mom and just do my thing. And I kind of, like, put a hold, I would say, on my business for, like, a good year. And I was just like, yeah, just. I mean, I wasn't. Not, not on hold, but I wasn't. I'm always, like, pushing to be better and do more and all that. And I just wasn't pushing at the same level. And I was just kind of like. And I was, like, found myself, like, feeling like I was, like, selling out. I was selling out on us. I was selling out on myself. I was selling out on my vision. Like, everything about it. I was like, I'm selling out. And I kind of got to this place where I was like, okay, well, how can I get. How can I get back on board with Garrett? And I was just like, well, I know that him helping me with my business for some reason, like, it's. I don't know how to describe it. Like, when you would help me with my business, it was the one thing where I felt like I couldn't go out and buy, or if I bought it, if I went and hired a business coach or if I went and hired this. Like, they weren't. They couldn't do what you could do. Like, I had seen what you could do, and I was like, I don't want to hire somebody else.

Like, you tried.

I want.

I actually encouraged you to remember.

I know. And I.

How did that work out?

You know what? And I think because I went and, like, made. Made the steps to try and hire people, you would come and be like, how is. How's it going? Then you'd be like, what the fuck are they doing? And I was like, I don't know. And I think you knew. I think even you knew. You're like, I know exactly. I can see where this should be going. You know what I mean? And I was like, well, then help me. Like, I felt like I was like, I'm sitting here at your mercy. Like, I'm like, hey, I built my business up. I was successful, but now I'm kind of like, I don't want to go further unless you want to jump on board and do it with me. And so there was this surrender. I don't know if you knew this, but there was this surrender in you where you were like, okay, I believe I. It was almost like we were in and out of believing in each other. Does that make sense? And so I was like, you say you promote me on your social media, you promote me on your podcast. You promote me as the queen, you promote me as this, that and the other. Show me the money. Like, not in the sense of, like, money, but, like, show me, you know, like, come over to my side and show me what you're preaching is true. If you believe in me that much, if you believe in this business that I've created, if you believe in my vision, then jump on board with me. But again, we were always kind of holding each other hostage for this weird control thing. And when we both kind of let go of control, it was just like, oh, harmony, that's fun. You know? And not to say that we don't still have that, like, that tension and that spark with one another, but I think it's like a healthy, good one where it's like. Like it's good. There's that attraction factor.

I guess you could say I was literally furious. I had so much energy inside of just feeling rejected sexually. I didn't know what to do because I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? So I would actually use. I would set my wife up. I would create situations to get her in momentum, in business, and then I would intentionally pull away, and I would not let. I would not contribute.

And then you were. Why I didn't feel safe.

Well, I was showing you. I was showing you what it felt like.

But there was. For years, I was just.

I know I was showing you. I know I was showing you. For years.

I was like, on eggshells. I was like, oh, my God. Like, when am I gonna feel safe? Like, I wanna be with him, but I always had my guard up because I was like, what is he trying to prove? What am I trying to prove? What are we doing?

And I kept having the same, like, challenge. My challenge was like, when is my wife gonna want me? Like, when does a dollar figure happen? When does the amount of time that I show up as a husband, when is it? When I invest enough time and energy into our family and trips and doing the things we're doing and spending time and going on date nights. Like, when the fuck am I gonna feel wanted as a man? Because this was ultimately what I was wanting. I was wanting to feel wanted, but I didn't feel wanted. And so we were playing this weird game, and Danielle was wanting me to want to be in the business and to help and to support and to not be weird. About shit. And we were both stuck in this wanting the other person to want to do something. Like, I was wanting Danielle to want to have sex with me. I was like, what the fuck?

But I don't think I felt safe, which was, like, turning me off. And I was like, oh, like, I get it. I'm trying to get there.

And then I would get stuck in these patterns. Like, so my patterns were, like, crazy. Like, I would be so stuck in these patterns that I would actually leverage. Like, what are, like, crazy strategies that I thought, nobody in there. No, I must be alone in doing this. And then I started sharing this. I run Wake Up Warrior. If you're listening to the show, you're unfamiliar with this, you can check it out moreoverbook.com. so I'm running Wake Up Warrior and I'm having these conversations. I'm sharing this stuff with guys. And I'm saying, man, I would do crazy shit. Like, I would deliberately go masturbate, like, on purpose, like, twice, just to try to get rid of sexual energy so I wouldn't have to deal with trying to. Trying to submit to the game. And I would do things on purpose, sexually, to kill my sexual energy so I didn't have to worry about it. I would drink, I'd masturbate. I would do these things to try. Did you know this was happening? Did you know I was doing this to try to just survive and also trying to just keep my. It was almost like trying to take away the chip that I felt like you had this card that you had to, like, to own and control me. So it was like.

Well, and it's weird because there was a while there where you didn't seem pissed anymore, but you were just kind of like, hey, just floating around.

It was about a year and a half. Yeah, like two years. Like, I was just kind of in this place.

Like, you were kind of like, I'm not gonna let you affect me. I'll take care of myself. But, like, you weren't, like, excited to be with me. It was just, like, numb. It was, like, sedated.

It was. Well, it was an interesting place. Cause there was no attraction. I mean, I'd literally, like, gone about my own sex tour.

I mean. You mean you were there, and I was happy that we weren't, like, fighting, but I wasn't. And I wasn't, like, not attracted to you, but I wasn't really attracted either. I was just happy that you weren't seeming so pissed.

And I felt like. I felt like it was an improvement. Like, I was Looking at it was like, shit, we're not fighting anymore, but we're not exactly drawn to each other, right? That was the downside of my strategy. The downside of my strategy was, is that my strategy was actually killing attraction. We were ending the war, but I was killing attraction, like in myself. Like, as a guy, as a man. As you listen to, it's like, I'm going to tell you, like, you're going to like it. Listen. There's only. There's only two types. Two types of liars in the world when it comes to being a man. One, men who say they've never masturbated, and two, men who say they'll never masturbate again. Every married man is going to masturbate again. It's just going to happen, right? This is what it is. It's not like you wake up one morning like, oh shit, I'm masturbating. This must be an accident. Like, it just happens in the sense of, you're a guy, shit's going down, life's happening. And sometimes I think that masturbation has actually been a way to allow me to not like, bring my overwhelming energy into the conversation when things have been really, really stressful for you. And this is a strategy that I thought I was alone in. This was a lot of guys. But the downside. The downside to this is that it kills the attraction. So you start to feel what you were feeling. What was it like for you during that? It was like a year and a half or two years like this?

Well, no, I think I just described how I was feeling. Like I was just happy that there was a little bit of peace. But at the same time, it was almost like I was just watching a ticking time bomb. I was like, eh, he seems okay, but maybe he. He's just sedating it. You know what I mean? I was like, there's like. I knew. I knew there was. I was like, eh. He's. Yeah, I was like, eh. But I. I don't know. I didn't know how to approach it. Cause I was like, I don't want to set off the ticking time bomb. Do you know what I mean? So I was like, I don't know.

Well, you wouldn't approach it. And then I would, like. I would kind of sedate it, neutralize it. And then we would kind of exist in this almost like facade reality that was like, better than war, but it wasn't like victory. It was like in this middle place. So amidst all this, though, you're kind of enjoying A little bit of no war. You're enjoying a little bit of no war. Don't lie. Because we had been, like, a decade of war on the topic, and then we went through the transition piece years.

There was, like, weird tension. Like, if. Like, if we did have sex, I was just like, sure, But I wasn't really, like that into it. I was just like, eh. And no guy really wants to feel like, like, yeah, he's gonna be like, all right, cool. But he, like, he. A guy's gonna know. Do you know what I mean? So I think it was just like. I don't know. We were just both in, like, meh meh zone.

It was a complete meh zone. Meh meh.

I think I would bet. I would bet a lot of couples are in meh zone.

Ton of. Most couples are met, and they don't.

They get so awkward. Like, they're even having sex, but they get so awkward.

It's awkward sex.

It's. But. And they might be having sex, like, you know, two, three times a week.

But it's still awkward sex still.

And neither. But they just are like, well, you.

Know, do you know what we call.

We got a great family. We're having sex. But what's wrong? Yeah, what's wrong? You're like. Well, like. Like sex. Like you're both liking sex or just, like, your husband needs to get laid and you want peace in the house. And so you're like, yeah, listen, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna be real direct right now. You ready?

Okay.

You ready for me to be direct?

I'm super.

I'm not gonna say it's not gonna be direct by you. It's gonna be direct about me to all of our listeners.

Oh, how direct?

Very direct. All right, so here's the deal. So I was. I was like. So I knew I needed to get control because this game that we were playing was not working. We were ended. We were going to be in fucking divorce land. Like, it was not going to work. And I was like, I've got to stop being a sexual victim. So I'm going to talk to the guys for a second about not being a sexual victim. And I was like, how can I not be a sexual victim when the fact is I'm committed to this woman? I want to be with this woman, and I'm not going to strip clubs. I'm not getting escorts. I. I'm not getting a girlfriend on the side. There's not another pair of breasts and vagina that I can go take care of this with. I want to be with my wife. And the challenge that a businessman has is that the more powerful and more productive you get in business, the more sexually charged up you get. And there's a release for this. There's a reason why there's so many affairs and so many divorces and so much shit that goes on at the top of the game, particularly with successful businessmen, because there's so much dysfunction at home on the rise to that power in trying to figure it out. And it's not the woman, it's not the man, it's both parties. So I'm sitting there and I'm feeling that this sexual victim. One of my friends says to me one day, he's like, dude, stop being a fucking sexual victim. I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, you're acting like a goddamn victim right now. I was like, well, bro, what am I supposed to do? I'm not going to a strip club. I don't want to cheat on my wife. I don't, like, I don't want to necessarily get divorced right now, but this shit's not working. He's like, dude, neutralize the playing field. I was like, what's that? He's like, service yourself. I was like, what are you talking about? At that point, I got introduced to a tool for men known as the Fleshlight. Have you ever heard of this?

Yeah.

You know what this Fleshlight is?

I actually remember.

You remember when I came home with the Fleshlight?

I don't think you showed me. I just was.

You saw the Fleshlight in the shower?

I was in the shower and I was like, what the fuck is this? And it was such a turn off.

I was like, you were turned off for sure. Oh, it did not make matters worse. It did not make matters better for us, no, but it made matters better for me. And here's why. Like, some of you guys are going to be listening to the show and you're going to be in a precarious situation. You love the woman you're with, you want to be with the woman you're with, but you have no idea how to get out. I'm going to have you consider you've got to take the victim, sexual sexual victim card off the table for yourself. So I get this Fleshlight. You can look it up, Google it, you'll see exactly what it is. It's a masturbation toy for men. And I'm sitting there and I'm handling myself. And interestingly enough, what it started doing is it Started forcing me to deal with, like, I kept blaming Danielle for so much shit. I kept blaming her. I was like, this woman is the reason why I cannot feel connected. I cannot feel happy because she doesn't want me. And then I reckon I was like, man, dude, maybe I need to want myself first. Which I know sounds like a very, very crazy, crazy topic. Last time we talked about sex, Danielle threw out quickie. Quickie porn star. Right Now I'm throwing out don't be a victim card for the men. Now, ladies, I want you to hear this as a woman. I know this sounds like a turn off. You see the flashlight? You're not turned on. Look at the conditions of where we were at.

Yeah, just.

Can you understand why I went there?

Yeah, just hide it.

You saw it. It was in the shower. It was right there. I know, I know that was hard, right?

I just. It wasn't. I wasn't attracted to.

Well, I hope you were not attracted to the flashlight. No, the Fleshlight was supposed to be my tool. So I. Listen, I. You guys are even hearing this real time on this conversation. Like, this is not even like a. This is not a soft topic.

You know what?

It's not a soft topic, but it's a fucking.

What I noticed, too, is I'd always. There was like, pouty Garrett, which was when. And like, I don't know when this happened, but it was kind of like girls don't want to see their guys be pouty about it either. But then it's like we're kind of creating that situation for the men. Do you know what I mean?

The more desperate a man gets, the more pouty.

Yeah. And so it's like a cycle. It's like a crazy cycle. People were like, well, how do you get out of the cycle?

And I'm gonna. I'm giving you a strategy to the men. Take the sexual victim card off the table. Service yourself right now. This sounds completely fucked up. If you're in a situation where you are with a woman, you were in a relationship, and you are a married man, and you were trying to figure out how to make things get back into the. I'm going to tell you. Danielle and I, until I could stop the war and the triggers from myself, I did not have the ability to actually build to what we had. So I'm going to have you consider. We did not go from war crate straight over here to prosperity. We went from war to Switzerland. And how did we go to Switzerland? Part of the strategy was I serviced myself. Okay. That was part of the strategy. And whether that makes you, as a woman, feel comfortable or not comfortable. Danielle doesn't like it. She doesn't like how that sounds. She doesn't even like how that feels. She doesn't like to see it. She doesn't like it. I get it. But I was stuck in a place of man. I'm like, what else am I supposed to do? Like, this woman will not connect with me. I do not know how to connect with her. The more I try to do, the more I feel like I'm not getting credit for it because I'm keeping score. Not recognizing the keeping score is actually putting me more in the penalty box. And then I'm stuck in a penalty box, not sure how to get out, and I am just losing my fucking mind. I'm like, dude, I cannot do this. And I became consumed. Consumed with the frustration, the anguish, the pain and the fear and the doubt and the anger around this topic of sex. Now, this is what's going on for me inside. Now. What's going on for you? Cause I'm going during the. During the Switzerland. We'll call them the Switzerland years. Yeah, during the Switzerland years, when I'm like, I unplug for now.

I think during the Switzerland years, that's when people cheat.

Okay, tell me more. Well, you think they don't cheat during the war scene. They just cheat during Switzerland when they kind of just become numb to each other.

Yeah.

Okay. Talk about it.

They're looking for some spark.

For sure.

I just think that you and I both work so much that I had my. I was just focused on other things.

For sure. You were. Well, you were able to. It's got to be a little bit easier on some level when you focus on a business. Plus, you have the kids.

Yeah, I think that's.

And you're not sexually driven. Really hardcore.

As a woman, our relationship wasn't great. And I think I was just like, well, I'll just work. Because I'll just work. I'll put my energy into something else. And that's what I did.

Do you remember when I shared with you the. I shared with you the TTF formula?

Yeah, you've shared that.

Do you remember when I shared this with you the first time? I just came. I came up with it years ago.

You told me your formula, and then I was like.

And you couldn't give me your formula?

I was like, I don't have a formula. My formula is like, read my mind. You said, no, I just.

You did say, read my mind. Do you remember that this was, like, five years ago, you said, read my mind.

No, I just felt like you were like. When you told me your formula and you wanted me to have a formula, I'm like, love and sex shouldn't be like that. There isn't. There's not a magical formula.

There was a formula for me. I'm gonna share it.

I know, but is that really the formula?

I don't know. You said, quickie, quickie porn star, and everybody's gone fucking crazy with that formula. Literally, I'm getting emails from men and women who are loving it. And hugely enough, you think that men would be most excited about this. What you don't realize, Ben, you know, you set a lot of women free with the quickie, quickie porn stuff.

You know why? Like I. Like I said when we did our last sex podcast is like, men are just gonna be.

When we did our last sex podcast. I like how that sounds. I would have never imagined that was happening after sex therapy. Well done.

So I just think that women, like guys always can get into it, and women, we got so much shit on our minds. We're like, did I pack the lunches? Did I do this? Sometimes it's hard for us to turn our minds off.

And.

And so I just know the formula. Quickie, quickie porn star works. It's like, the guy doesn't want to have hollow sex every time or he's going to go searching for something else somewhere else. So I was like, you got to give him a little bit of spice. So there's nights with kids that it's just going to be the quickie, and then there's nights that are date nights that it's going to be the full show and you just put in the work and that's all right.

So we're going to come back to this because a lot of this was sparked because of some really hard conversations Danielle and I had. So let's move past the flashlight strategy. Get your victim card off the table, and let's go into it. I started identifying what is it in me that I wanted? And I realized that sex was, like, one of the things, but it wasn't all the things. Like, the things that I really wanted was the TTF formula. And this is not just like a man. Some women have fallen into the same TTF formula, which is I wanted to be told that I was amazing and that I matter. Like, because part of, like, Switzerland that we were creating. Yeah. I was not feeling appreciated for what I was creating. I wasn't Feeling appreciated for what I was making.

I did appreciate you, because I don't think I felt safe. And I was like, he's always holding this card that he's gonna pull out the rug for me, and he wants me to tell him that he's the man. And I'm feeling like I'm gonna fall flat on my face because he's gonna pull the fucking rug out.

Yeah.

And that's why I was like, well.

Because we were talking about divorce. Oh, shit.

Sorry. I had to release a little bit because that's really what was going on in my mind during those times.

I was like, tell yourself, motherfucker. That's gonna be the quote. That's gonna be the quote of the show. The. The strategy. When your husband's in Switzerland mode, tell yourself, motherfucker. Tell yourself you're awesome. Which I did. I would just record audios and listen to myself on the way with my fleshlight in my backpack. I was like, you know, masturbate and then tell myself I'm awesome. So Danielle's, like, hitting on this point, though, where I'm like. TTF would just tell me I'm amazing. But again, it was, like, a really fucking tough deal because I was. We would get into arguments about divorce, and then, like, the game would come up, and then it would be like, well, I'm gonna fucking bell. And so then I would, like, want her to tell me I was amazing, yet I was creating all this contradictory conversation going on at the same time. So she's not feeling trusted or feeling safe. I'm not feeling wanted. She's not feeling wanted. I'm not feeling wanted. It's just not working. So the first step was telling me. Second one was, touch me now. You like this. This was something you just were not about. Like, even when we were dating. No, like, tell me about this.

I actually, like. I actually like cuddling. I'm not, like, I've never been a big, like, PDA person just because of how I think I was raised, but even then, like, I've become more that way because being married to you, you are so, like, touchy all over.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I think I have become. But I wasn't raised that way, and so it always seemed weird. And people in my bubble and I was like, no, but I. No, I think forever. The reason I would get so annoyed is because I was not attracted to you at a period of time, and you would reach over. Like, now when you reach over and, like, say, you grab my hand in the car and you're like, hey, babe. I'm like, oh, I love you too, you know, And I can, like, feel it. But in the past, it was different. It would, like, you put your hand on my leg, and you would, like, start inching in. And I was like, he's just horny. Like, this isn't a. I don't feel loved right now. I just feel like you want some ass. And so this whole concept of, like, touch me. It's not that I don't like being touched. It's just I don't like being touched. And maybe this goes for a lot of women with the intent of, like, if we're not in a good space and I'm kind of, like, bugged you. And then you come in and you rub my back, and I'm like, asshole. Like, we just. We just got in a fight, and now you're like, it's okay. I'm like, I'm not okay. And this is not. I don't want to be touched right now. And so that's kind of why. That's kind of why, like, naturally my M.O. is like, yeah, like, I'm not super touchy, but at the same time, it's the energy behind or the timing or things like that that I was just like, no. Like, no. Like, you're. You're. You're crossing the line, buddy.

I was crossing the line, and you're.

Kind of, I think, in your mind, and it was like, we're married. How am I fucking crossing the line?

I was like, literally, I had that exact thought. I was like, how the fuck is this? Like, give me a. Are you fucking kidding me?

You told me you're like, why can't I rub your leg? Why can't I do this without you getting pissed? And I was like, because your intent is like, hey, I'm horny and I want to get laid, and I'm pissed at something else. And so I'm turned off now that you're, like, going up my leg right now with your hand. I'm like, no.

Did you ever see. Did you ever see that maybe the problem was you weren't putting out?

No, I was just always genuinely, like, I wanted to. It's not that I. It wasn't that I didn't want to put out. It was just like, I couldn't. I couldn't. There was that. That attraction thing was not there, and I was trying to figure out myself, and I was trying to figure out why, and because I knew it had been there, you know, I always felt like we connected Good. And we had spark. And I was like. And in fact, even when we were dating, I felt like we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Like, we were always like, we grew up in a super Mormon culture, and it was always like, you don't have sex before you're married and all this. And so it was just like, oh, my God. Like, don't. Like, I felt like we had a hard time not being all over each other, right? And so it was interesting. Like, fast forward, you know, into marriage, like five, six years, and I was like, like, ah, please don't touch me. You know, and it's just. Cause like, things slowly, progressively got worse without us even realizing it.

So it left us in this precarious situation, like a very, very tough place to be as a couple. And I'm gonna finish my TTF formula.

Okay, sorry.

So that we can finish it. And I'm gonna come back over to another idea. Nope. So first part was touch. Tell me. Tell me I'm amazing. Second one was touch me. Like, touch me frequently. I'm not talking about, like, touch my penis. I'm saying just touch me. Like, touch my arm, touch my back. Like, I'm a very physical person. So I hug me, kiss me. Like, something. Like, even trying to give my wife a kiss or hug her was like, super awkward. For years, like, I would try to hug her and then I would feel rejected by it because I would put my hand on her. But my intentions were interesting because I was in this drought and I was dying of like, this sexual starvation. I felt like trying to service myself with the fleshlight and dealing with all of this. Like. Like I'm trying to manage this fucking circus while build businesses and run the kids and deal with life and figure us all out. Like, the fact that we even made it through all this is like a goddamn miracle. At some level, like, there's some blessing at some level that came through with some insight for us to just continue to hold strong. Like, just this message was like, just keep holding on. You're gonna crack the code on this. You're gonna figure it out. And then the third piece inside of TTF was Fuck me like, which was like, tell me. Touch me. Fuck me, ttf. Like, I just tell me I'm amazing and you're grateful for my efforts. Touch me frequently so that I know that you care. Like, tell me every day. Touch me every day and fuck me frequently. Like, couple times a week. Like, let's have sex. Like, I'm not a hard formula to crack. And you would, you would even make the point of that time when I was sharing this with you were like, I swear you're just a guy that could just have sex and you'd be fine and everything else would be like, whatever. And at the time I was always a. And you would bring these points up, but we were not having sex a lot. And so I would. You would say it and you'd be like, how do you even know? Like, you act like if you would just had more sex that you would be more happy. And I was like, well, we don't fucking have more sex, so how the fuck do you know? So like, when did you decide to. Like, when did things shift for you inside of the game? Because now we're in. I don't ever feel weirdness for us, like, sexually ever. Like, it just doesn't happen. And like our sex is better and our connection is better and it's fun and it's inspiring and it's not. I don't go to pouty. My question is like, how did you, how did you get to a point in your world where like you just submitted sexually? Because you did. And I know your mind wants to make it all about me, but that's bullshit. So tell us how what fucking went on for you?

I think started to feel safer. There was like so many years where I just, I didn't feel safe with our. And it wasn't just about money. Like, didn't something. There was something else. Like I said, like we. It was both a kind of a power struggle with us, you know, and so I never, I never felt like the respect wasn't there. I never felt safe. So I didn't want. I don't know, I was like, I didn't want to, like, I didn't want to cross the line. I didn't want to. I didn't want to come to your terms because I was kind of always in the back of my mind, I was like, it was like I was sabotaging so I could be like, see, that's why. It's. See, this is why. And I think in life a lot of times we self sabotage because we're like scared what would happen if I did surrender? What would happen if I made an effort. But I will say, I know when you shared the formula with me and you were like. And I was like, gosh, I didn't realize I was so cold to him. And so I don't know if you remember this, but like every morning when I'd wake up, I'd Come downstairs. And you'd always be there. You always wake up before me. And I'd come down. I'm like, hey, babe. And I give you, like, a hug.

Yeah.

And you're like, oh, thanks. And it would kind of, like, fill you up a little bit. And now it's funny because I'll come down and I'm like, hey, babe. I can't even get your attention. I'm like, hey. I'm like, hi. I'm trying to, like, jump on your lap. Like, you're. I. Because I can tell you're more fulfilled. So you're not, like, waiting for that hug to get that, like, touch in where you're like, oh, something. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And now you're. I'm just like, hey, babe. Okay. And it feels more. Like. It feels more chill. But I think. I think that I kind of. When you told me, I kind of was like, okay, well, what can I do? Like, how can I come across the line? I think we were just in this situation where we both were, like, wanted to do things for one another and not just for ourselves. So we would try and be, like, communicate and say, okay, what would be important to you? And, you know, you're like, here's my formula. And I'm like, okay. And then you'd say, well, what would be your formula? And I. I didn't really know my specific, specific formula other than that. I just know that women in general want some form of safety from their guys. That's just. That's just how it is. And if they don't feel safe, if they don't feel. Women, if, you know, at least for me, like, when I don't feel safe or validated, I'm kind of like, it's hard for me to, like, cross over to your side. That kind of goes both. Both ways. I think that the guys, I don't know, maybe you should touch on, like, men maybe don't feel safe with, like, being vulnerable with their wives, and they don't know how to approach them.

Don't feel safe at all.

Yeah. So it's this weird space where both the man and woman don't feel safe, and it just causes more. Most people are not willing to. To confront the problem, and they just think, well, it didn't work with this person, and it's gonna take way too much repairing, so I'm just gonna get divorced and I'm gonna go try and rebuild with this person. Because right now, rebuilding with this person actually seems like less work than trying to Rebuild it with you. Do you know what I mean?

Well, the big challenge with social media now and Tinder and a bunch of other social media bumblebees probably is easier. And all the dating apps is it's easier to get the initial high in sex. So what's happening with a lot of guys? And we're seeing this happen all over, we see this on the fringe, on the internal and external game of Wake Up Warriors. We see men who just see it as an easier cause to not go to war anymore and just shut the fucking door and disappear.

Especially powerful men.

And they're like, fuck this. Like, I can go get a woman who is like 15 to 20 years younger than me. I'm 50 years old. I can go get myself a 32 year old woman.

But are they ever going to be.

Puts out like crazy and they know.

Is that what they want?

Well, this is what they're after because it's what they think they want because they're in this interesting situation. Well, they're in this interesting situation because, like, even you and I, like, you became unattractive to me because you wouldn't put out, like, people would look at us as this attractive couple. And I was like, fuck that. I got a goddamn frozen ice block Barbie in a box going on. Like, I don't get to touch it. Nothing. It's like a doll that I get to look at. I'm like a dog on a leash. It's held just past where the hamburger is, like sitting and I'm not ever getting it. And then if I do take a bite, I get beat with a fucking stick. So, like, we were in this really, really painful place, and so the solution, the solution that ultimately opened up.

You make me sound like such a. A bitch there.

You were kind of a bitch.

Well, you were kind of a dick.

I was a dick. But you're not. Like, I'm not taking away from it. I'm owning, though. I'm a dick. Are you owning that you were a bitch, that you were withholding and a bit of an ice princess? Yes or no?

Sure. I'll go with ice princess.

All right, you were an ice princess. I'm not saying I. I'm not saying that I wasn't. Listen, I deserved how I was operating. I didn't show up. I was not concerned about your feelings. I did not show up as a man that had any sort of shit for you for seven years.

You showed up, but there you still held your. You still held this key of like, I'll show her. And you know, you still held. Like you were showing up and saying, like, hey, I'll do this for you. I'm checking your checklist. I'm doing everything.

It was all with strings attached.

Yes.

And I. I didn't want to do.

I didn't really realize it till later when things are better. I was like. You were like, essentially, like, whole. Like, I look like the total bitch because you look like you're available, and maybe you weren't at one point in business, and you were off, and you weren't with the kids, and you weren't with me. And now Garrett's just the man of the year, and he's doing everything, and every girl wants this. And I was like, I know, but there's strings attached. And no women feel safe if there's fucking strings attached. So if you're a powerful man and you're going in with that attitude, and then you're wondering why you're not getting that connection back, I don't know. Like, am I not painting a kind of a clear picture? I get. I mean, you can call me the bitch all day long, but I just held my man to a higher standard so that we could get this shit figured out.

Okay, so let's be real. No, I get it now. The one thing my wife has which is, like, super funny, she has this ability to just, like, constantly reframe everything, which means that rarely do you ever hear my wife acknowledge her role in this. So this is one of the first time. Like, you're acknowledging that you were a bitch in this.

Yeah.

Okay. And I'm acknowledging that I was in. No, but just acknowledge and put a paragraph.

I was just sharing the other thing. Side of the story. Nope.

No other side. I'll share my side. You share your side. Were you being a bitch about this? Yes or no?

That's why you love me.

Yes or no? Just simple yes or no. Put a period on the end. Yep. We're just gonna keep the camera on you until we get an answer. Yes or no.

Was I being a bitch?

Were you being a bitch about it? About sex? Using it and withholding?

For sure.

Okay. All right. So I was being a dick and a complete asshole. Withholding time energy. And I would deliberately set up situations for my wife to fail so that I could feel like I had control, because I didn't feel like I had control. I didn't feel like I had control at all sexually. I felt like she controlled all the cards. I had nothing. And I would hear these speeches by these really nice couples therapists like, well, you can never use sex as a game, Chip. You can never use sex as a game, Chip. It needs to be equally. And I was like, man, I'm hearing you 100%. Yet I don't know any couple where that shit exists, but yet my wife and I created it for each other because we both submitted to a following reality. My wife needed me to show up and give a shit even if I wasn't getting laid. Like, I had to show that I gave a shit as a husband and as a lover, that I could cuddle and be okay with it and that the pouty, whiny bitch didn't come out and that I wasn't going to hold her or anyone hostage tomorrow. That I was going to show up and I was going to be a man and I was going to own my shit. And when I was having a hard fucking time, if I needed to service myself, I. I did. And that I would show up in a way that would give my wife space and show her over time that I wanted her. Not just I wanted her vagina, I wanted her as a person, beyond the body. I wanted her that I was ride or die with this woman. I am all in. And I remember the day that I shut the door in my mind. I said, there is no fucking retreat. There is no car sitting and idle in the driveway way. There is no halfway in and halfway out. I am all fucking in. And if she wants in, we're going to find out because I'm all in. And inside that place if she chooses all out, okay, at least I will have known I was all in. No more back doors, no more emotional escapes. No more escalating and sedating inside of masturbation. Like, I'm going to keep my full frontal assault of sexual energy in check and I'm going to point my energy to her. Her. I'm gonna lock the door, I'm gonna create security for her and I'm gonna show the fuck up and I'm gonna say, woman, God damn it, I am here and I want to be with you. And when that door shuts, some interesting things happen.

I think we both got to that place. Like, we both finally were like, I don't know, like, tired of fighting, tired of our egos, tired of we. Just like, we were at this place where we were like, we. I want to be with you. So why don't we just, like, why don't we do that?

And we did.

Why do we have to make life so hard? Why do we try 10 years? Why are we trying to learn so many lessons?

So many lessons. Like, for 10 years we're fighting like this, and really, it came down.

10 years. I don't know about 10 years.

We've been together for 15. It's not been smooth sailing except for the last five. Last five. Things got smooth sailing prior to that. It should show. Yes.

I'm not gonna say we've been good for the last five years. I'm gonna say we've been good for the last year, if we're being real.

We've been great.

We've been great.

We've been good for years. We've been great for the last.

We were good for the last three and a half. Okay, We've been great for the last year. And then we probably had four years in Utah that were ugly, fucking horrible.

Those were the dark years.

So we had four ugly years.

Four very ugly, dark, dark, dark years. Dark years.

Then a couple medium years, and then a great year. Let's keep on the greatness.

Keep on the greatness. All right, so our tip for today.

Let's close this ttf. That's your formula.

Mine was, tell me, touch me, fuck me, tell me, I'm a man. Touch me frequently. So I know that you care about. Have sex a couple times a week. No vaginal masturbation style. What we call that is. Is when you women decide to just, like, flop your body on top, and then I've got to move it. At that point, I might as well go get the fleshlight. So that doesn't count. No points, right? So tell me, Touch me, fuck me. So for the men out there, this is my formula. It's what I started to recognize was important for me. Danielle, what do you got to say? You said you had another formula.

Another formula?

Yeah. I don't know. You said you had a formula. Or is yours QQPs?

I don't really have a formula this week. Maybe the guys should just go with your formula like the last.

Take the victim card off the table.

Yeah.

Don't.

There you go.

And by the way, you don't tell your wife you're taking a victim card off the table. It doesn't work out so well. I've tried this. You don't just, like, go, you know, flaunt the flashlight or if you're gonna go do this, or like, whatever your strategies, you're not. You're just gonna handle it. You're gonna handle it, and then you're gonna connect again and do your the best you can inside of Switzerland. I could not go to power until I went to peace. My peace I had even if the peace itself was created with all kinds of strategies to keep peace in check. Sometimes a half sedated game creates opportunity for an ultimate game. This is what they do to individuals who are having bleeding on the brain. They will actually put them into a coma so that they can live. My friends, we're wrapping up this show. Danielle, final thoughts here on sex. I went at the men today. You and I had some spice. Today. We had some spice. People say they like the show because it's like they can tell we are literally.

They can tell we're literally.

We're literally like going at each other.

A little bit of an argument right then.

All right, final thoughts on today's show.

My final thoughts would be to. My final thoughts. My final thoughts. My final thoughts would be to choose to listen to our podcast.

All right, here's your date night topic of the week. Date night topic of the week. My wife is out of thoughts for today.

I'm out.

She's beautiful. She's won. Wonderful. Fresh out of thoughts, here is your date night tip of the week. This week, again, we're focusing on the topic of sex, but we're also going to talk about the formula, which means you're going to begin to share during a date night this week. What you find is your fantastic formula. If you are a TTF person, maybe you can use tell me, touch me, fuck me. Maybe you got a different one which is all about a different formula we don't know about. But again, today's topic was about sex. We're looking for the formula that you've got. Share that in your date nights. We'd love to hear from you. You can head on over to D dateyourwifenow.com where you can get all of the action guides, tips and tricks for each one of these shows. Simply head over there, put your email address and click submit and we'll send all of those your way. With this show as well as all the other shows we've run. We'll be back next week. Our show and topic next week we move on to the topic of the dosh. The money. Are you ready to talk about the money next week?

I am ready.

You ready to talk about the money, honey? All right, we are wrapped up for today, my friends. We are out of here. Here. My name is Garrett J. White. I am your co host with the beautiful queen Danielle K. White with DKW styling. You can check her out at dkwstyling. Com. You can follow any of the stuff we're doing here. Again with the show at dateyourwifenow. Com, we are out of here. We will talk to you next week on the topic of money. Money.