The Unspoken Needs in Men and Women

There is a certain level of friction that comes with being in a relationship that is progressing. If the relationship is dying, friction will stop. If the relationship is growing, friction will continue. You cannot grow a muscle without breaking down the muscle. It doesn't get bigger because it stayed the same. It doesn't get bigger cause you didn't get sore.

But if you overwork out the muscle, you're actually counterintuitive and you actually don't build muscle at all.

Yeah.

So your haircut. What? What? How? What? Describe the vision of this haircut.

Listen, I'd like to welcome to this week's date your wife podcast. Well, my wife has questions about my haircut.

I mean, it wasn't. You had been growing it out, which I was like, yeah, that'd be fun. Like, I. I feel like I saw an old photo of you and you, like, looked a little bit younger. And I was like, yeah, you should grow it out because you've been doing the hard part thing for a while, and. And then you're like, I'm over. I'm going to get it cut. And I was like, cool. And I was like, well, I'll cut it for you because if it's a longer cut, I can do it. I just don't know how to do the whole fady thing. So then it.

That we went to the fady thing today.

I don't know. I don't just. It's a slick back thing.

Yeah. Do what? Just give us your first impressions of the new cut.

It reminds me of Brad Pitt.

Fury. Yes.

No, it does remind me of a movie, and I can't think which one. It's not Brad Pitt. It's like a. That's like another movie.

Except for Brad Pitt's cut was not a fade. It was a. It was like a military. It was basically no guard, straight up to the top.

All right.

What we want with it, I'd never done before.

Did he cut the top at all or no?

Yeah, a little bit trimmed a little bit of the top. Yeah. And then, like, faded up both sides. And then if you notice from the behind, we're going a little bit with the mohawk.

It's like party in the back.

Yep. But it's short in the back with this. With a fade. So.

But like, that's like a super old haircut that was, like, popular a long time ago. Is it coming back or what? What? Wait.

I've basically had this. I was having realizations when I basically had the same haircut for, like, 20 years.

No, you haven't yeah.

And the riskiest thing I've ever done with my hair was give a get a hard part.

So is this.

So I was like, it. I'm gonna go with the toe. How different can a guy really do his hair? He can't. I was like, grow long. I could.

I like your hair high. So I feel like this could work, but we need to texture it and wear it a little bit higher.

I don't know about texturing. We're gonna see you.

He needs to texture it.

We're gonna see.

Barbers know how to texture.

Of course they do. He's a Viking. He knows that texture.

He knows that texture well. Welcome.

I just went for a new thing, but I was literally sitting this morning. I was like, oh, you know what? I've never actually. Basically had the same hair, like, over and over and over again. My phone's gone.

I guess I change mine, like, every six weeks. So. Where you going?

Got your phone?

Yeah, my. See, that's the beauty with having extensions. And I naturally have, like, crappy hair, so it's easy for me to, like, change up the color. All I have to do is add, like, four highlights and a few new pieces.

Yeah, I've not had a major significant change like this.

I think it's long enough. You could literally go with, like, a man bun on top.

Nope, not. Not quite there. This is like Trump becoming president in 2016. That's what this haircut is. Yeah.

Is it?

Yeah. It's just like, nobody saw that coming.

It's not that different.

Thanks.

All right, well, welcome to the Date youe Wife podcast, where me and this crazy guy try to get together at least once a week and share about our chaotic life. What do you want to talk about today?

So we. We talk about a concept of push and pull, and we also had a conversation at dinner. I have a specific direction I'm going with this. We had a conversation at dinner, and you were asking me the question, does marriage have to be always a. It doesn't always have to be a war. You remember this.

Was this last Monday when you yelled at me at dinner?

Yeah. Was. Was it last Monday? Yeah, it was last Monday. And it turned into a bit of a debate. And then, like, we kept having conversation about it, but then, like, I. I asked you a question. I said, do you know of any relationships or couples that do not, who are powerful individuals, who are growing as a couple that do not battle?

Not all the time.

We don't battle all the time either. All the time would mean literally all day long. Every day. And that's not happening. So there's a, there's arguments and disagreements that happen every week. Not argument, arguments, disagreements. And I had some people like make a comment. I had some like, people always have an opinion about our marriage.

Really.

Because I'm always so public about it and like, what's going on. Right.

So it's easy because you'd be a little less public. Sometimes I'm like, I don't know if I wanted you to share it that way. Yeah, there's some stuff and then it's like, that's like your version of the story. That's not really my version.

You're welcome to share your version anytime you want.

I, I, I, I do actually. I don't, I don't, I'm not as open as you are, but I like.

I like how you went down that path of like, I, I'm, I'm. Nope, never mind. No, I'm not back in a box. So I, all I was pointing out was, is that there is a certain level of friction that comes with being in a relationship that is progressing. If the relationship is dying, friction will stop. If the relationship is growing, friction will continue. You cannot grow a muscle without breaking down the muscle. It doesn't get bigger because it stayed the same. It doesn't get bigger because you didn't get sore.

If you overwork out the muscle, you're actually counterintuitive and you actually don't build muscle at all.

Well done. Tell me more about how that would apply to us in marriage and war.

If you're constantly at war, you're not actually figuring shit out.

Well done. You're over training, you're over fighting, over fighting, over polarized. Over polarized, over stimulated. It's like being too stimulated and you can't have an orgasm. I don't even know if that's possible for a guy. I think it is possible for a guy.

Yeah, I'm sure it is.

I think it is. I think, I think that could happen. So like you, you and I were sitting out of that conversation though when it was like, oh, it was open to it. And then I started having that conversation with a bunch of guys in my event and gals and interesting what came up during it is Whitney Carahan Carnahan, Kyle's wife, who there are trainers for date your wife experience as well as Whitney is the wake up warrior woman lead trainer for CEO moms, which is like essentially dealing like with stay at home moms who have kids etc and helping them learn to live the War's way. But she stood up in class. She made a comment. Because I said that you and I. I just shared. I didn't share any detail. I said, danielle and I got probably one of the biggest fights we've gotten into in the last couple years on Christmas Eve. And then we found out Bree and Mark got in a fight on Christmas Eve. We found out Whitney and Kyle got in a fight on Christmas Eve.

Really?

And we found out six other couples that were on the training inside the event with us got in a fight on Christmas Eve, the day after, or the day before. And so we're all, like, laughing. And Whitney stood up and she said something, and she said, the reason why I will start, because I had shared my perspective, and the women in the room were, like, chomping at the bit to share their perspective as a woman. And I was like, okay, take the mic. So Whitney took it, Bree took it. We just, like, Holly took it, Molly took it. We gave everybody. We give all these women a chance to share, too, which was great. But Whitney says something, and she said, sometimes Kyle's so disconnected. I'm not gonna get anything from him until I provoke a fight. And it's in the provoking of the fight that I'm actually just looking for his attention because he's giving me none. He's numb. He's sucked into work. He's on his phone. He's doing his thing. Yeah. He's with the kids. Yeah. He's this. But, like, I'm not feeling him at all.

Yeah, it's like. It's like a. It's a. It's like a punch. You're like, okay. Like, it's a collision.

Do you think that's what happens for you?

Some of the major fights we've had? I am like. I'm almost like, wow, that needed to happen that way. Like, and it's. And I. And it's really. It's, like, hard. But I. It's like, I feel like we're at a strong enough place in our relationship that it's like, okay, that was. That was rough. But, like, why did that happen? Why did that happen at that specific time?

Right.

And, yeah, I would say the. The battles we had last year, I did feel like you were very disconnected. You were on the feel Freeze all the time, and I didn't feel connected or seen. And I know I told you this, and I've shared this on the podcast, like, our first explosion, the beginning of last year. And I was like, I need to be connected to you. Like, I just do. And so I. I would imagine that it's. I would agree that that's probably how someone would, like, get attention. They're like, hey, wake the up. Like, I'm like, we need to. I need to get your attention. There's no soft way to go about it, probably with powerful men like you. Just. I mean, maybe there is. I don't know, but that's.

Do you think. Do you think women that cheat in marriage, like, the reason they cheated was because they didn't. Weren't getting attention?

Probably. And I think that's. It's crazy because I was, like, thinking about that the other day, and I was like, maybe, maybe they cheat because they want the attention. But I'm like, but then why not? Like, you know, that's going to end your marriage, so why not have a tough conversation instead? Do you know what I mean? So I. Because I would imagine, like, any woman that goes out and cheat and the husband finds out about it. Do they. Some of them might work through it. But I would say a very successful, powerful man, if he finds out his wife cheated on him, he'd be like, I don't need that shit, just done.

He's like, I'd say that there's. I don't know necessarily why I'm like, I mean, I think it's. I think it's just a level of certainty and power and who you are, too. I mean, if I cheat on you right now, would you stay?

No.

No. And if you cheat on me right now, I wouldn't stay either.

But I think, too, because we've become more powerful human beings, so it's like, you wouldn't tolerate it, just like, I wouldn't tolerate it.

Right.

Like, Whereas, like, women on the. On the flip side, like, say, you cheated on me, but I'm not working. I. You take care of all the bills. I might tolerate it. Right. It might be like, oh, he's my safety, he's my security. It's fine. We'll just work through this. But who I am right now, and I know I can go out and produce on my own, I'd be like, that's unacceptable.

Yep. So there's a level of standards that shift and, like. But a lot of it is, like, looking to be seen.

Well, I was telling you that the other day. I was like, I used to. I. It's so funny because I'm kind of introverted. I'm kind of quiet. But even me, I love attention. Like, I love putting on a cute outfit. Putting on a cute Swimsuit. Like, even though it's kind of awkward for me, I love attention. And I realize, like, women need attention, whether it's from their husband or they're just in a sexy dress, and they. They just need to acknowledge, like, we need that. Like, and I used to be like, oh, I don't want. I don't want to wear this. This outfit or this dress or this swimsuit because it's too sexy, and I don't want to attract that attention. I was like, why? I need attention. I still am, like, married my husband. I'm still only going home with you, but I like the attention, whether it's from male or female perspective. It's like you were telling me the other day, you're like, yeah, this girl, like, showed up to the gym in, like, a freaking cat suit. I was like, oh, yeah, those are hot. You're like, can you work out? And I was like, she probably wanted attention. I was like, good for her. She have a cute body. You're like, yeah. I'm like, good for her. Whereas in the past, I would have been, like, judgmental of her. I've been like, what a slide. Like, why is she wearing that to gym? She's just trying to get attention now. I'm like, of course she's trying to get attention. Why would you wear that if you didn't want to get attention? And guess what? It feels good. I'm like, you'll see, like, other women who are also very flirty with other men. They might not ever cheat, but they're very flirty. Why? Because they're not getting that attention at home. So, I mean, I can think of some very close people that I know that are very flirty. And I'm like, I don't think she would ever cheat, but good for her.

Yeah, they're very flirty. Like, very flirty. I think everybody's like, I don't know if it's actually possible. And I don't even know if we were physically meant or emotionally meant to be fully satisfied in living by one other person.

Right? Well, no, like, that's what I was thinking is like, I know you think I'm attractive, and I know when I look cute, you're like, oh, you look good. But I came to realize about myself, I'm like, I need to not stop acknowledging that I don't like being seen by other men, too. I like that. Why do you think I wear half the shit I do? Why do you think I post half of the shit I do on my social media? Look, Cute. I like the attention. So I don't think it's a problem. I think it's like just acknowledging that. But that doesn't mean I'm like looking for another guy. It means I like the attention.

Some women are going to be fired up about that.

Why? Because they don't like, maybe they should give themselves permission to like enjoy that.

It's true. So where does a.

So I can only, I can only have attention for my husband. That's the only thing that's allowed.

That's the thing. It's interesting, right? Because it's not like that's not what's happening. If you're in a child, I think it's powerful. But if you're an attractive woman and you walk into an environment and you get attention from other men that are not your husband, I am confident that 99%.9% of women enjoy that. And the same thing. If you're a guy and you're good looking dude and you walk into a place and other women give you attention, that's not your wife. You like that. Now you may not stop, you may not entertain it, you may not get numbers, you may not exchange and have conversation. You may not do anything outside of just. But it's happening all the time. But that's like the same thing. Like if you look at this from an attention perspective and you're saying, okay, I like the attention, that attention and I don't know how it is for a girl, but that attention. Guys are triggered by this. It's not even a need for attention. Guys are triggered by women around them all day long sexually. Like now not every woman, but there are most.

Are they entertainer or are they just kind of like, oh, that's nice.

Every guy's different and every guy is in a different season. There's some seasons where I was entertaining it and there's some seasons where I'm not entertaining it. And like not in a season. What's that?

What season are you at right now?

Not entertaining it.

That's good.

But like I'll get triggered by it. It's impossible not to like and like for guys to. The guys to pretend like that's not happening. Is this bullshit?

Yeah, like, but I'm not saying why. Like it's one thing to like sit and like entertain it for a while, but it's one thing to. Well, good for her. She's hot.

So the guy plays it from that side and he's seen getting stimulated by the same woman that you're being in what you Say like how you dress in your pictures, which means you are the woman to another married guy that's causing the sexual trigger.

Well, he should ask an inner self question to himself. What do. Why, why am I entertaining this?

Because you're hot. Like this is what. But I'm saying this, what happens with guys, right? So look at this weird cycle that's happening. You have women, women who are dressing to look for and are operating to get attention because they want to feel seen. Men are naturally stimulated sexually and don't have a choice in that. It's just natural. Like it's in the coded DNA of men. And now you've got this thing going on with guys being constantly stimulated by sexuality. Women more and more in social media, taking more and more clothes off, looking for more and more deep dive attention. Guys feeling sexually triggered, women looking for attention. I don't know if guys are looking for attention in the same way, but.

You brought up a good point. Is it possible for one couple to only be satisfied by the attention of one another? Is it because it's like you, I see you every day and like, like I said, like I'll come downstairs and cute little slutty outfit or whatever and you're like, I know you're like, my wife's hot. And I like that. But I also like, we're married. I see you every day. Of course, you know, I'm like, I, I, I like that you still feel that way, but it feels different when other men are looking at me. It's, it does. Not that I would ever act, but it feels very powerful. It just feels like powerful. You're like, you men, you're so easy. But it's fun. Like I used to feel weird about it. Now I'm like, it's fun, why not? Like that's why when I see another girl that's like dressed in something that's like, I'm like, wow, that good for you? Well, for, but when we weren't in a good season, I'd be like, bitch, cover your, cover your tits. What are you doing? Don't be flashing those out. My husband's gonna be looking and now he's gonna be entertaining. And now I've gotta be worried about him thinking about your tits all night.

So guys are, from the beginning, I think guy, I think it's been more socially acceptable to say like, like it, like in this standard of society, it's more socially acceptable for a guy to be like, hey, I'm sexually driven. And I'm triggered sexually by women all around me than it is for a woman to say, hey, I'm sexually driven and I like attention from men all around me. Like, look at it. Just saying it about the woman sounds like, what a whore.

I guess I'm a whore.

Been married in the guy world, you know, it's being a guy. It's why like, if you think about this, if a guy says, if a guy says I slept with 10 women, everyone's like, okay, a girl says, I slept with 10 guys and guys, what a whore, What a slut. Like there's a different narrative that goes on for women around it. I don't know if they would attend, but I'm just saying like that, like it's different. I don't know why it's different or if it's because society's made it different or because our training has made it different or because biologically it's supposed to be different, but there's just like a standard different game that happens. But I, do you think it's been going on forever for women? They just weren't talking about it or do you think because more and more women have become openly talking about just their needs and desires this way that.

Women, I don't think, I actually don't think women are talking about it. And that was like a realization I had over the last couple years and like just doing my fitness stuff and like just wanting to be like seen and connected by you. Because I'm like I said, I'm kind of introverted. I'm actually, I'm, I can be quiet. I guess I've kind of come out of that. But I, I almost like felt bad for wanting attention and I felt like I only needed, I only needed the attention of this guy. That doesn't mean I'm gonna go out and cheat on you and go have sex with other guys. That just means I have a need. Just like a man has a need, a man needs to have sex. I don't know if women have that same need to have sex, but a woman does need to be seen and have attention. Like, it's just, it's every, every woman I, I, I know needs to have attention. So I think she starts to feel bad when she is not just getting it from her husband. But that's why women go on social media all the time. Because then there's, it's guilt free attention. They're like, I don't know who's watched me. Oh, you know damn well who's watching you. A ton of guys and women. Right. And so it's like it's guilt free attention to do it that way. And so I feel like women just need to acknowledge that they need attention, they need to be seen. And if it goes, you know, there's places where it can be unhealthy. If you're in a not so healthy spot in your relationship and all of a sudden you're putting yourself out there and you're getting attention from attractive men or whatever it is, then that's when a woman might cheat. That's when she might entertain that possibility. Right? She's not getting seen. She doesn't know how to have that conversation with her husband. But she has a need that needs to be fulfilled.

Some would say that that's just dancing on thin ice. Either way, like whether you're in a healthy place or not healthy place, like it's like opening up invitation. It's like you look at how like, like, like, let's face it, like women, women across the board are more nude on the Internet than ever before. Yeah, across the board, all ages. Just more nudity now than there ever was before. And I can't imagine being a young man like being like a teenage boy now. I mean, I was horny as hell as a teenage boy. I was. We would masturbate to bra ads and JCPenney magazine, Sports Illustrated Post, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, which was nothing compared to Sports Illustrated and basically straight nude shots now. Like we had no content. Now these boys got porn access and girls have porn access 24 7. Porn consumption by women is like five times more than it ever was before. It's like starting to compete with male porn addiction nowadays. Like, and there's like this rise of in the dating world for guys like I have daughter, divorce guys. The women that they're dating with, these guys are like, actually they're like mal equipped. They go out to go date and they're like, coach, I'm being, I'm getting used. Like, what do you mean? He's like, I'm getting used. I'm like a fuck toy for them. I'm like, what are you talking about? They're like, I'm getting used. I think women are more and more aggressive now in that place which is kind of spilled over everywhere. Websites like AshleyMadison.com, these sites are blowing the fuck up. Desperate Housewives. It's an entire thing of like, for.

The first time, I think other people, I think for the first time women are like in this space where they're like, let's just go out and have sex. Like, it's not as big of a deal. And it's no different than. I think guys have been operating like that for a long time. It just wasn't acceptable for women to operate like that or they're a slut. And so now it's kind of just all. It's the wild, wild west.

So what is it that keeps a couple like, you and I are not out fucking other people. We're not in an open relationship. There's a lot of people going that direction. There's a lot of couples going to swinger parties and open relationships. And they're like, getting to this numb place in their marriage. And so they're attempting to do these other things to try to spark it up. It's happening a lot, like, way more than I.

You talk to way more guys than.

I do, so I don't know, like, it's way more. And what's interesting is that the proposals aren't coming from guys. The proposals are coming from. From women. There's women, like, because they want to be seen. So. But like, talk to me more about this because, like, they're like, you're not running out of time.

They're like, we're not going numb. I need something to spice this shit up. And she. So then it's like, let's try this and try this. And the guy's like, hell, yeah. But what they're lacking is intimacy and connection. So they're looking to spice it up. But that. And my mind has gone down that route. Anybody who's married whose mind has not gone down that ride is route is a liar. Or they just don't want to talk about it.

Down the swinger path.

No, just like entertaining. Just. Just entertaining. Yeah. Open relationships, dating other people. I mean, even sure. Swing apart. Like, whatever. If you've been married, you're not all happy clappy all day, every day, your mind is going to go like, hey, well, maybe I need to be dating this guy. Or what if I was with this person? Or whatever, like, opening up possibilities across the board.

Well, it's so funny to me is like, just. I can sense people even listening to this show already who are uncomfortable with, you know what, like just listening to the show right now. You're uncomfortable with the topic.

Here's what. I'll encourage you if. Which I understand if you are that person and you are like, hey, like, we need to spice our marriage up. I would suggest role playing. Honestly, like, we. We've done that and it's like, we're so Good at it, like, in the midst of it, I'm like, that really happened. That fucking happened. Didn't. Didn't. I'm just. I'm just really good with my words. But saying, like, there's been intimate moments with us where I'm like, wow, we were just at a swinger party in our mind. That was fun. So there's like, no need. It kind of spices it up, so there's no need to actually go down that route. And I think that's, like, a healthy space to be in. Like, when we were talking to our therapist, he's like, you know, as long as it's like, a we thing. Right? And I'm like, okay. So I think there's other creative ways that you can spice things up, but it depends on where are you at in your relationship.

Yeah. So listen, there.

I feel. I'm, like, pretty. Like, I'll be, like, pretty satisfied in that area. So then I'm like, yeah, I just. I really don't. Actually. There'll be. I can't believe I'm saying this on a podcast, but there will be, like, a few times the next morning, I'll be like, wow, that just happened. Okay. I have no desire to. Like, in my mind, it was that real.

Yeah.

So I had to, like, laugh it off.

I'm like, okay, well, when you're drinking and you're role playing and you're fantasizing together and you're having this sexual experience with each other, it does have a bit of the brain's inability to tell the difference.

Yeah. You're just like, I transported to some strip club, and that was amazing.

Where am I? Here I was having this conversation with a couple guys in open relationships, and I was like, because it's not like, my jam. Like, I just. Like, I've played this scenario out over and in my mind, and I'm like, I can't do it. Like, the idea of you and I being in a relationship where you go out with your girlfriends on a weekend and you find some guy in Newport and you fuck in his condo or his house, and then you come home here to this house with me, the idea that that even happened puts my mind in such a place that I could not. I couldn't have sex with you again. Like, I would be done. Like, my brain was like, I'd be done. Like, I can't. Like, my brain can't do it. And then I was talking with these guys, like, how do you do this? Like, how do you even handle. Like, how do you mentally Deal with the idea that your wife was just blowing some other guy. And he came on her face like.

But aren't they doing like the same thing? Like he.

Well, they're both doing it. Yeah, but I'm like, how does that. Like I don't understand how you can do that. And then on the flip side, the one of the things they said is like, listen, one thing I can tell you about open relationship, which I actually agreed with. I can understand the principle behind it, which is because it's the same way with clients. If a client thinks they have you captured based upon how much money they pay you. I got a client just do this this weekend, like this last week. And because they wired me a bigger, larger amount, they thought they own me. I was like, you don't fucking own me, dude. I'll rewire you the money right back. I was like, I don't need your money. Like, you are in this relationship with me because you wanted to be. Which means you're going to play by my rules, we're going to play this way, et cetera. So I'm in this exchange with him back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. But I'm also quickly in this place of recognizing inside of that I could walk away. He could walk away. He doesn't have to stay in my client and I don't have to stay his. I don't have to stay his coach, his mentor, his consultant. I don't have to stay in that position. Here's your money back. Goodbye. So there's a tension now. We're still running together and we had a massive breakthrough as a coach and a student. That was massive. Which happens with all my guys. And now we're at this new place and he's. And he's a powerful guy, creates big shit. He does big shit. He makes millions and millions and millions of dollars. A great marriage, great family, great kids, great life, great fit dude, big and jacked. He's got it all. And he wants another level of life. And that's why he came into my world. But I don't need him. But if I played from a place of needy, I'd have played the game completely by his rules. So in a marriage, most marriages are kind of needy based, so open relationship. The premise I'm just sharing with, the premise I'm sharing with this.

I just wonder where you're going with.

This is that if there are options and I'm not the number one option, I have to keep showing up. Oh, that's because I'M competing for your attention with the 75 guys at Lifetime Fitness. Like, I'm. I'm now compete. I'm not just, like, guaranteed that I'm the one. Like, I have to compete.

Like, we were dating security in that. Because what if.

Not. That's.

But that's the thing. Like, what if. If you don't keep showing up, then. I don't know.

Like, it's a weird place, right? So it puts this constant tension. On the flip side. I came back on him. I said this, and I said, I hear you completely. I get how that could happen. I was like, that also seems like something that would create incredible amounts of anxiety.

Yeah, exactly.

Like, safety and security be threatened every day, all the time.

And not a healthy way, like, being. I. Like, for me, I'm like, hey, we can get in a fight. I just need to know, like, we're gonna work through our. Like, I just need to feel like, hey, wow, that got real scary. But, like, that's not who we are. So let's not let this one argument be like, well, it. I'm out, you know?

Well, like, because if you look at. If you and I were in. If you and I are an open relationship, like, some of these couples, like, again, it's not. And it's more and more and more. And I'm also noticing a lot of couples are getting together, moving in together. They're not getting married, and they're kind of staying in this quasi. We're together, but we're kind of open, but we're kind of together. I'm like, how long you been together? Nine years. Why are you not married? Well, we're kind of. You know, we don't. We're doing this. I was like, hold on a second. Like, you're hating on that girl. Like, what's going on? We kind of, you know, we have, like, an open. Like, an open relationship, too. So ways that you're together, but you're not roommate.

And then, like, I don't really get it. Well, then. Then it's. I could see it. They're kind of like roommates. The. And. But then they're really not in a relationship. They're just roommates, but they love each.

Other and they're in deep relationship.

I have a lot of friends that I love to pieces, but a lot of these.

But for a lot of people like this, like, sex is just sex. It's nothing. It's like. It's like having to drink a Sprite. It's like, I just had to drink a Sprite what's the problem?

Well, that's. I feel like it's, it's gotten to that for sure.

Getting there, like crazy.

Yeah. But people are missing the mark. Like sex is, it's a human thing, right. And it can be really, really fun, but it's ultimately a tool to unlock something even bigger. Right? So it's, there's, there's definitely a lot of just like confusion across the board with married people, young teenagers, and it's like, where's the sacredness of it? It's kind of gone. But for me, I'm like, I get it, it's not that big of a deal. But then what are you looking for? Truthfully? If you need to go out and be fulfilled and sleep with all these other people, what truly are you looking for inside of yourself? Right. If you flip it that way, you're like, why am I doing this? Instead of just saying, oh, it's not a big deal. Right. That's the easy path out. Instead, say, why do I need this?

Yeah.

So for me, like I said, I realize I need attention. I. I must have connection and attention from you to stay married. But in general, I just need attention and I'm okay with that. I realize that is a need I have and I realize that so many women are the exact same way. And that's why you see, like I said on social media, girls just taking off their clothes or whatever because they have that need. So I don't know, I think, like.

The girls that are like, just making my. Just making my vegan smoothie this morning, huge tits, nipples popping through it, holding her shake, just making my vegan smoothie this morning, not trying to use my tits for attention at all. It's easy though, like as a girl, like, I mean, guys can't pull that shit off the same way.

I mean, I follow, I don't follow, but like, I always have, like fitness people pop up on my feed and guys do it in a different way.

Guys do it well. Sebum, who's like a five time Mr. Olympia, like a classic physique competitor and a five time Olympian champion, he walks around at 260 pounds, he cuts down to 235. He wins a fucking Olympia five years in a row. The dude is massive. And he, I was listening to him on a podcast because he's like the physical Greek God of our generation. He's 28 years old. He's.

Should we go to the stash?

Yeah. He's this fucking jack. He kind of talks like a chick.

I was Gonna say, I heard he.

Has a high vibe, but he does. He's kind of got a little bit of a thing going on, but whatever. He's huge. And he said, he said the case with the follow me said. He's like, if you think. He's like, it's not what you think. I was like, what do you mean? He's like, if you think that getting to be five time Mr. Olympia is gonna lead to your DMs being filled with women, you'd be wrong. He's like, 90% of the people that follow me are dudes. He's like, when I go out in public, I get approached by guys. When I'm in my DMs, it's from guys. When I am like on the road, it is guys, my waiting list for signing, for getting autographs, guys. He's like, bodybuilding is the sport where dudes get attracted by the physique of the dude. He's like, it's not what I thought. If you told me this when it first started, I would have never believed you. He's like, you get the least amount of attention from women, 90% of your attention.

When you first started practicing your posing routine, I remember you're. It was, it was like when you very first learned it. And I was like, baby, look, a pinch gay. Like, I thought you should throw in some spirit hands there. And he said, your coach was like, yeah, you're in the sport of bodybuilding. We're all, we're all pinch gay.

No, he said, he's all, we're all like. He's all, we're all like three. What is it? He's like, welcome this board of bodybuilding. It's like all like three feet from gay. I don't know, it was like some comment around it, but like, listen, like this, this entire premise though, is a decision of commitment. And people are. Couples are looking for this because the alternative is what? Is to pull the sedated Christian card, which is, I would never open a relationship. I would never cheat on my spouse. I will never this. And these same people do not have any passion in sexuality and they have no family and they shut all of their sexual energy down. And guys will do this. They're like, oh, I would never have an open relationship. But you'd have a sexless relationship. And is a sexist relationship any better than an open relationship? Like, I mean, look at these two things. You're suffering in both in one, you're instability. Like, if I. I was thinking every week I was on Edge thinking, okay, you know what? I gotta mind my pains and cues because if I do not, Danielle's gonna go somebody else this week. Or if I'm in a place where I'm like, I might have sex this year.

How do guys do that?

There's couples like this, you would never believe it. Good looking couples.

They're not getting fulfilled anywhere every.

No, every two to three months. But then you got to put wife is not cheating.

Dude is going to put that energy somewhere.

So dude goes to porn or he pours it into business.

Yeah.

Or he pours into physical training. So many fit guys in sexless relationships. Christian dudes who are good men with wives that will not put out because they don't know how to seduce them. And these women are beautiful women too. And you would never guess the way.

The guys don't know how to seduce them.

The guys don't know how to seduce them. Is the first woman they've ever been with. They neither one of them had sex with anybody else. They're just with each other. They don't have any moves outside the bedroom. They don't know how to put it on.

They pour all their energy into work.

So they work and they get buff and get jacked and take care of their kids and then are frustrated and then they quote scriptures and then when they're in rooms with me, in the rooms with Kiyaki and the rooms with our teams, the truth comes out and these guys are like, yeah, dude. Like, yeah.

Why are they okay with that?

What other path they have change? Yeah, this is why they listen to the show and it makes them horribly uncomfortable.

You know what though? Like I always like whenever I'm in a situation where I feel guilty over something because we were raised Mormon and there's like this, this, this guilt like even, even half the shit we do in the bedroom, like if you like as a Christian girl, I should feel guilty for that shit. And I'm like it, I'm married. This is, this is my guy. Why should I feel guilty about that? Why should I feel uncomfortable about that? Right? So I think that there's even like this story with inside of relationships where they're like, they like, they just don't know how to operate so they would just shut down. But both of them probably actually want to be free. They just, they literally don't even know how, where to start. And I will tell you, it's not something that happens overnight when it comes to specifically like connection with sex. Like I realized we were married young and we were There was a phase where we were very awkward and you didn't know how to seduce me. But I also was like, pretend you're asleep. I don't want to have sex with him. This is so awkward. Right. And so it goes both ways. So the guy, yeah, he needs to take some. I just can say classes, but he needs to make some effort on how does he seduce his wife, what does she want? But also, the woman has to just kind of be more playful, kind of be more feminine, be open to it. Be like how you were when you were dating. Like, I'm not going to, like, constantly, like, push you away. Right. So I think that women lose this kind of, like, feminine flirtiness about them, and they shut off, too. So then you have two couples that are completely numb and disconnected and shut off because they're not making a conscious effort like they. They did maybe when they were first dating. Like. Like. Like I said, like, I make a. When I were dating, it was just kind of happened naturally. Being married for 20 years, you better believe I make a conscious effort to act feminine, to act flirty, to act. To have you be attracted to me. I don't put on those little skirts by accident. I don't put on that cute sports bra to go to the gym. I want your attention as well. So I think that, that. That kind of gets lost in marriage is like they kind of stop trying to seduce or attract or get attention from their significant other. So I can see how, you know, just talking about Christian couples getting stuck in that. But you're. You could get divorced and then probably go have wild sex with somebody else, because it's way more easy to do that. Or is it easier to do that?

Like, what if that's what they do? I've watched it happen with not one, not two, not three, 13 different guys in the last year who I am directly connected to, who had sexless marriages with frustrating sex, get divorced, and then watched every single one of these guys.

Go out and they're. Yes.

And they fuck like, 10 to 15 different men.

But then that gets old. It's a cycle.

I know, but I'm just saying, like, the same moves. But it was a challenge because they can make moves now as single guys that women will respond to that their wives were like, go fuck you. But also, and vice versa, they had shown up in a way that had probably that rightfully deserved some of the stuff they were getting.

That's the thing, too. Like, if you think about somebody, like, say they. The man gets success while being married and so all of a sudden he's older, he's got all this money and he's like, oh, my stock value just went up. I can get some young ass. Like, I'm not like a broke, you know, 30 something year old anymore. I'm established. So when he realizes that he's less tolerant. So then he's like, bye, bye. So then he goes on the fuck bender. And then he realizes how unfulfilling that is because what he's looking for is connection, which is what he actually wanted with his wife with good sex. So it's just, it's, it's, it's a loop. And so I don't. I think that both parties are responsible. I think that women have to remember how to flirt and be feminine. And I also think that men have to realize, like, you can't just go out and hunt and grind anymore. You still need to seduce your wife. It goes both ways.

Listen, we're going to wrap this show up because we got to shoot a second one today. I will tell you this much.

We're doing a podcast.

Babe. Yes. What's up? Oh my God.

Oh my gosh. Me.

We're in the middle of a podcast.

Bye. Yeah, sorry.

16, almost 17 year old yelling from.

Just woke up for the day and it's one.

So we'll talk about it in our next show. Yeah, so he. But, but like at the end of the day, like the message I'm trying to get across and it's like a very. It's been an interesting conversation because it requires you to try on a lot of different things. Things that most of you, you gotta let go. Are terrified to even consider alone in a journal that no one read, that you burned with a gallon of gas in the middle of the backwoods and then buried it like you can't even admit some of the things sexually for you, about what you want, about what you desire, about what you. Let alone talk about it with your spouse, let alone make it public. So part of the reason why we do this is so that you have the space to have a conversation, so that you have the permission to be able to have a conversation. Because it's been awkward for us too. It's been super awkward for us in the beginning to try to talk about it just to ourselves than to talk about it with each other. We felt like we were running tons of risks to have these conversations. And what we recognized was that we were experiencing a higher risk of failure of our marriage. Not talking about the truth about what we were feeling sexually mentally and emotionally than we ever did by talking about it. That, like, talking about it has actually set us free. It's given us a chance to communicate. Doesn't mean it's always easy. Doesn't mean it's always fun. Doesn't mean it always feels good talking about it. But what does feel good is the result from doing it. And that's like a really hard deep tissue massage. Doesn't feel very good. Kind of fucking hurts. But by the time you're done, you're like, man, I feel amazing. So listen, if we can help you out here at Warrior, one of the things that we have is tools to support men and women and having these kind of powerful conversations with themselves so they can have these powerful conversations with their partner. To learn more about the tools here at Wake Up Warrior and our day to wife experience. You can learn more by going to wakeup warrior.com check it out. We've got amazing content over there. You can test for 30 days, take it on a trial run. Software, curriculum, content, as well as our Ditch wife experience opportunity allowing you to dive in deep with us and a whole bunch of other couples every single week live. And a virtual training with our therapist and helping you, too. Anything else you want to add as we wrap up today's show?

If you like my hair, go to NBR Education. There's my plug.

And if you like my hair, well.

I didn't cut it.

Danielle did not cut it.

I didn't get it. I didn't do men's hair.

My Viking hero, broken blades in Dana Point, California. All right, we're out for today. We'll see you next week's episode.