Why Most Marriages Fail: Real Talk on Rejection, Intimacy & Communication

Well, my friends, welcome to another episode of the date your wife podcast. And today, today we're going to start off with something a little sad.

Sad.

This will likely be our last podcast. Danielle and I have decided to get divorced. Said every social media influencer on the Internet that shows up with their goddamn pictures. I love my husband. I love my wife. We're so perfect. And then a week later, they're like, we are grateful for all of your prayers and your time of consideration in the season of our divorcement. Now, I brought this up because people have questioned me because of the fall of a bunch of other people who have gone online, couples who have constantly broadcasted how powerful I was a couple, and they end up getting divorced. There's having, like, seven or eight different couples in the last, like, two or three years. And so somebody asked me this last week, are you a lot like these? I'm trying to remember who the last couple was. It was, like, a year and a half ago.

Maybe the pressure just gets too heavy. And.

Well, think about the pressure of putting your life on display all the time. Yeah, like, your life's on display. So I understood it. But they don't put their lives on display. So why are you willing to put your life on display?

Me?

Yeah. We share all kinds of shit on this show that people won't even talk about it. Like, in a back bedroom with two people they trust.

I think in the beginning, it was hard for me to share. I think I'm a very private person. I would say introverted, but not so much. Not so introverted anymore. But in the beginning, I'm like. Especially the culture that we're raised in, we were raised in, like, at least with my family, it was like, we didn't share. Like, my family had horrible communication. They didn't even say, I love you. Like, it was like. Like, we just didn't talk. Like, it's crazy to think that that's how I was raised. So I was never taught to, like, share anything. And it was actually freeing when we started, like, talking more about, like, experiences we were going through. And, like, I was like, oh, that feels, like, good to get off my chest. And then I think it started to get easier, and it almost started to become part of our brand when people would, like, say, hey, I listen to the podcast. Like, thank you for talking about that. And I was like, oh, man, that was really painful to talk about.

Yeah.

And. And so I think for me, I felt like I was delivering at least people some hope, some permission, some value. But it's still not always easy to share. Like, it's still kind of, like, scary to share, but I think it makes us more.

I think at least my experience sets you free because, like, in the space of. If you're containing stuff, and we've had some people on the show, on the DJIB podcast show, who were. They were. Everybody's been awesome. There's some that are willing to share dark shit, and there's some that are not willing to share dark shit. And I respect both sides. I understand why. I just know what it feels like to not have secrets. Like, I should not feel.

Your whole premise of your business is stop lying.

Kind of makes sense. But there's two levels of lying, right? So there's lying about things like blatantly saying lies, which in the Christian, if you look in the Bible, when we talk about sin, we could look at lying as sin. There's sins of commission, things that you commit, things that you do, and then there are sins of omission, which are far more deadly, which is the shit you don't say. So you and I were lying to each other a ton for a long time because of one of those two. Either I was saying shit that wasn't true to you, or you and I were not saying what we were really feeling.

This is like, a big problem, though, with couples, and I'm seeing it more and more now with men and women, that neither person feels validated or appreciated. And I think the reality is it's because, like, nobody's actually sharing how they're feeling. And I think it's been hard for me because it's like, if I share how I'm feeling, what. What is this gonna stir up? Or what is his reaction? Or what is this? Where does this go?

Do you. So I'm gonna. We're gonna go down this path. I like where you took this. I'm gonna spin it for a second. I'm gonna come back to this piece. How much do you think social media has up this ability to feel seen by your spouse?

How much? I think. Well, I. I don't know.

Think about. What does social media do for you? Will you post? Why do you post?

But I was thinking, even when you asked that I was even thinking before social media, and that's when we had, like, our biggest drift. We were like. Like early married. Social media wasn't even. I don't even think YouTube was out. And at some level, neither of us felt seen, appreciated, or validated. And social media wasn't out then.

So social media, like, money Money doesn't turn you into an asshole. It just exposes if you are an asshole. If you're an asshole, you don't have money. People don't know when you have money and you're an asshole. Lots of people know. So social media amplified a problem that was already there, which is people not communicating.

Right.

Think of it this way. Here's the way I looked at it, right? As a woman and as a man. But it's different as a woman. If you're not feeling seen or appreciated or feeling wanted in your marriage, you have an automatic dopamine toy that you can go to. I'm not talking about a vibrator, like our last guest or two guests ago, although she sent us two vibrators, and one of them we lost, another one our nanny placed somewhere. Now we're screwed. We can't use either of them, so hopefully we'll get some more. So think about this, though. If you're not feeling seen, human nature is to go feel seen. We want to feel seen. You want to feel seen. I want to feel seen. We want to be seen by our partner. If our partner's busy or we're juggling kids or we're working a lot, or we're not feeling seen, social media becomes an immediate dump to get high, which creates a false sense of being seen. For Christ's sake, look at what happens. Instagram is hearts. I love you. I love you. Oh, my God, look how many loves I got today. I feel so good. Now take a girl who's not getting attention at her home with her husband. Starts posting the bikini shot. I'm not telling you. Stop posting bikini shots. Starts posting the bikini shots. Starts posting the hot clothes. Starts posting the my fit shit, which is cool. I'm not downing. Don't take it offensive. I'm not. I'm not downplaying it. Okay, that can now fill up your bucket of feeling seen.

Do you think that your significant other is supposed to fill up your entire bucket?

Depends how big your bucket is.

Like, I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I think there's a fine line, like, because even for me, like, I get asked a ton on. On fitness, and I like sharing it to an extent. But also, I'm kind of like, I. I'm like, I'm not going to be in a bikini, like, flexing my abs every photo. But then if I do it, is that wrong, like. Or saying it's wrong like, that's what I'm saying. I. I feel like there's like a healthy balance. Because I'm like, I. I'm a mom. I have four kids. Like, I look great in my bikini. Like, I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna.

You look hot as well.

But that's what I'm saying. Like, I posted one with you, and you look great, too. We did a fourth of July one, and we both were like, oh, we look great. Like, is that a problem?

I think it can be a problem. No, no, no. It's not a question of whether it's a problem or not a problem. It's a reality. It's a truth. Human beings want to be seen. Every day, hundreds of guys get worrybook every day. My guys on my teams have hundreds of conversations with guys, and all these guys want is to be heard. That's why we have the highest conversion of guys that we talk to. Order the book. And then we call them, we talk to them. They will sit and talk to us for hours. Some of these guys, because they don't feel heard at home with their spouse, because they don't know how to communicate with her without her being reactive, which, by the way, women are as reactive as guys are. I'm deciding this is a truth. I didn't think this was the case, but I believe that the reactivity in women is the same as the reactivity in men. It's just we always look at reactivity in men.

Well, I think we look at it in men because men can be more, like, angry and, like, aggressive, whereas women's reaction might just be. The woman's reaction might be, like, closed off or what am I retreat? Or it could be like they mishear the tone. They're like, whatever, I don't care. Like, you know, So I think women's. I would say women's reaction. I would agree. Everyone has a reaction to an action. It just. Men's are pointed out more because men have the tendencies to. To be more explosive.

Or I know more dudes who say their girls hit them in the face. Then I know chicks can tell me their dudes have hit them.

Well, yeah, guys.

Hopefully guys, but so just look at. Look at the game, right? So there's just. I mean, I don't walk around. Tai Lopez told me this. He's like, he. Remember we were in the Mastermind. He said, all right, had this big dude stand. This big black dude stand up. And he had this, like, little, tiny, like, Asian girl stand up. And she stood up. She was tiny. And this guy was pretty big. And he said, do you ever Feel threatened when you walk into an elevator? He's like, nah. He said, any of you guys here ever feel scared walking into a room and sitting down? No, not really. Then he looked at the girl. Do you ever feel scared walking into an elevator? If men come in, yeah. So there's always, I'm way bigger than you. I'm like, two and a half times your size. So, like, there's always going to be a tendency to go to the bigger force, because the bigger force can deliver more force. But there tends to be more conversation about the bigger force. But we know relationships close to us, family, friends, and others, where the women are highly explosive. But most of the conversation still is about the guy. And I think there's a piece in this, too, of not feeling seen and heard. But I think this thing has to go both ways. We haven't been able to listen to each other up until recently, like, the last couple years, like, really listen. I think we're still figuring it out.

Yeah, it's hard. I think it's all about, like, your tone and your delivery. And, like, it was. I'll share this on the show. Even this morning, I woke up and I was like, I. I get, you know, this. I do not like being tickled like, it. I just don't like being tickled. I love when you, like, cuddle me, hold me, whatever, but for some reason.

Don'T move those hands.

I like it.

Just don't do the moving hands on me.

I don't like. I know some people like to be tickled. Like, I just don't like. If I. Like, when we're in the car and you put your hand on me, I'm like, oh, but if you were to start tickling my leg, I don't know why it is. It just, like, I don't like it. So I was like, ah. Like, I feel like I woke up this morning. I'm like, am I broken? Am I. Is that. Is that wrong? And I was like, I think it's just, like, a sensory thing. Like, I just don't. I don't like it. Maybe.

What do you think started it?

I don't know. It could be. Like I said, I was raised in a family that wasn't very affectionate, but either way, I'm like, I'm feeling like I'm a bad or wrong person because I don't like this. And then I was like, how do I communicate this to Garrett? And then I was like, oh, well, he think. And I. I'm just saying this out loud. I'm like, oh, he thinks of it. Not that I'm broken, but he feels rejected because I tell him to stop doing that. And I was like, oh, he doesn't. Cause I thought, scene. He's making me feel wrong and broken because I don't like to be tickled. And then when I thought about it, I was like, no, he might be feeling rejected because I tell him to stop. So that's why I came to you this morning. And I think it's so important in a relationship, not just communicating, but learning how to communicate. And for me, I'm like, okay, how would I communicate this where he doesn't feel attacked? And I literally. That's why I came to you this morning. I was like, can I have five minutes? And it was. I just wanted to share that with you. I was like, hey, I just realized that you might be feeling rejected, and I don't want you to feel that way. And I. And that's what I said. So that instead of me being like, hey, I really don't like it when you tickle me, okay? Like. Like. And you make me feel wrong and broken. Instead of me doing that, I just came to you and said, I don't want you to feel rejected. Those are not my intentions. Was that a good delivery?

Yeah. That was the first time you ever did it.

Well, that's. That's why I was proud of you. Well, that's. I was thinking this morning, I was like, it's so important to, like. To think about what we're. I'm assuming he thinks I'm broken because I don't like being tickled. I never actually considered, oh, maybe he just feels rejected. So I'm, like, putting it on me.

I never once thought, you're broken. I'm just like, but that's what.

That was my story.

Does she.

But that was. That was my story is. I was like, he's making me feel like I'm, like, wrong, because I don't like being tickled. And it just bugs me for some reason.

Is there ever a time, though, where, like, think about this. Because you hug everyone now. You never used hug anybody. You are much more affectionate with the world now than you ever were. So can it be learned?

I don't know. It's still one of those things. Like, it's like, what.

What if. What if? The thing is, actually, even when I.

Get a massage, like, if they're going too light, I'm like, oh, like, I only like a nice, firm massage. Like, it's. I don't like Being rubbed. I don't know. I don't know why.

I'm just. I'm just saying, if we go back. I remember sitting in Hawaii with your dad in the car, and you and I were. It was like 2009, 10. Things were in chaos. We lost everything. And, like, you were not hearing me at all. Like, I don't mean, like, hear my words. Like, you were not down with the Garrett J. White train. The stock value on Garrett J. White had gone real, real, real low. It was definitely a sell moment. If you had a chance to sell that stock, that was probably where you should have just fucking got out. You're like, fuck this bitcoin. I'm out of here. But you're stuck, and you reap the rewards. Good job, Penny stock buyer. So I'm sitting there with your dad. Oh, see, there we go. I love it. You're beautiful. Anyways, coming back to the one of the story. I'm sitting there with your dad in the car, and. And we weren't touching. We weren't affectionate. We weren't kissing. We weren't having sex. It was like, nothing. And I'm in Hawaii and I'm trapped, and you were in a bikini, and we're not connecting, and I'm just, like, trapped. I'm like. I would rather work doing nothing, just making up, than sit in this prison. So I hated traveling so much because we were in such chaos. We go on vacation with your parents, and I' this is a paradise fucking hellhole. I'm literally sitting here with Barbie in a box. She's not gonna touch me. She's not gonna talk to me. I don't know how to talk to her. I've lost everything. I have no credibility. I have no certainty. I don't know what to do this. I don't know what I'm doing. So I'm talking to your dad, and your dad starts crying. I'm only seeing your dad cry maybe four or five times. And I share with him what's happening. He starts crying, and I pull over, side of the road. I'm, like, just kind of holding space for him to share. And tears are coming down his cheeks. And he says, I'm sorry, Garrett. I think. I think I did this to her, and I think I did this to my wife. And he started telling me stories about when he was young because he wasn't raised with any affection. He told his mother, I love you, days before she died for the first time ever in his life. So your father raised you to not be Affectionate. To not kiss, to not hand hold, to not hug, to not cuddle. Where I was raised in a totally different environment. Kissing when you're older with your parents, hugging, kissing your parents making out, just fucking all.

That's not weird. You said that so.

No, I mean like you, we were older, we were still like, I'm gonna kiss my mom on the cheek. Even up until the prime, I was probably 30, my mom would kiss me on the lips. She wasn't making out with me. But that was just like. And I know a lot of families like that too. Particularly when you get out of western US and you move into Europe. Kissing on the cheeks and hugging and affection is like part of life, right? So I look at these two realities that we were raised in. I've had to learn how to be more stoic. Maybe you're learning how to be more intimate.

For sure.

So here we are in a vine. Look at our girls. Anytime I leave, what do the little girls all say?

I just want to share this about my dad. Is my dad, although he was not affectionate, has the biggest heart.

Biggest heart.

Like literally that man would like give you the shirt off his back. So it's unfortunate that he was not raised that way because I think internally he is like such a giver and such a big hearted man. And I think it's been a blessing for you to be inside with my family because now my family, you've even like, my parents are more huggy and lovey and we don't hang up, we now with my parents, I, I don't hang up on the phone and say until I say, love you mom. Love you dad. And it's sad because it's still a little bit uncomfortable for both of them. But I understand what it did to me as a child. I like, I understand the backlash of that. So I'm like, I don't care if it's uncomfortable. And even with our kids now, like to what you're saying, like it's, I always tell my kids, I love you. Like, I'm like, love you, love you. Like, I don't ever hang up on the phone until I say like, k love you, love you. Like, even if Ruby's walking upstairs, I'm like, k love you. I'm doing a podcast.

Look at the impact of the man you marry.

No, I think that's a good thing. But I also think, I also think too it's important, like I like that you're acknowledging that you have to almost become more stoic because I have to Be honest. Like, your energy is so big that sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating a little bit.

I know. And sometimes. Sometimes when we're cuddling in bed, long before I was £230, I'd put my hand on your thigh and not tickle. You would be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. What do you mean? I can't breathe? Are your lungs in your quads? Like, you would. You.

You would put your whole leg on me over the comforter intentionally, like, to pin me down to be funny?

Oh, no, no.

Yes, you did. Don't lie.

That was a sex move. You were.

No, I was like, oh, my God. I'm literally, like, suffocating under this blanket. I'm half your size.

Exaggerator.

Oh, whatever.

So think about this, though. Look how much you progress. I'm just trying this on real on the show with you. I have had to learn how to be more neutral, more calm, more logical.

You know when I think you're the sexiest, when I'm like you? Yes.

Do you know? And I think you're the sexiest when you're like me.

Well, there you go. Like, we were in a business.

Did you hear that? No, no. Don't let that slide by.

I did.

Let's pause on this. A big breakthrough.

I never like you, though.

And I'm more like you than you actually know.

Like me, actually. Vacation mode. Danielle, she's fun, but. And I'm very.

You're starting to sound like the Latinos that lived in America in the US for, like, 35 years and still can't speak English.

It's so funny that you say I'm.

Like, I speak your fluent langu Spanish and English, and I've never. I never grew up in a Latin country. What's the prep? What's the deal here? So I have learned. Your stoic language is now your turn to learn the crazy language.

Here is what I would say a lot of couples will say. They're like, oh, you don't love me for who I am. And I'm like, I love you for who you are, but I also need you to, like, meet me at my needs. And so it's.

Tell me more about that.

Well, that's why I became a stripper for the last five years. It was, like, to come outside of my shell for you.

In a way, you did great with that.

And I'm just saying, like, I. I have really done that for you, and I Will, I will say you.

Like.

It's not until this last year. Yeah. Where I have noticed a significant difference. And I've told you this. In your reactivity and your just ability to hold space. And it's very sexy. Like, it. Like when we were having a business meeting the other day, and you normally. In a business meeting, if you don't agree, you will bury that person. Like to. And I'm like, there's no need to do that. Nobody wins. You're too powerful. You're too powerful. You can. There's power in. Not always striking. And I watched you in this meeting so eloquently. Like, you use your words to create power and, like, prop this person up. And I was like, that was beautifully done. Like, I found you so sexy in that moment. Not because of. That wasn't you, but it was the refined version of Garrett I've always seen. And that control that you demonstrated was just. I was like, why am I so turned on right now?

I'm turned on right now. Listen.

So I'm just.

You know why, though? Because these are words I've been telling you for your whole marriage. I'm like, words, woman. Use your words. Yeah, tell me these things. Words. Use your words.

So for me, words is not just like, I'll have these moments with you, or I'm like, wow. And it's never. It's. It's not when you're posing in a Speedo.

Listen, I wore her cheetah panties last night because I told her to put the cheetah panties on. They weren't panties. They're like little short boyfriend shorts.

He always does this. Like, I'll be in a cute pair of sweatpants. And he. You'll be. You'll come in and you'll be like, get those off. Put on the cheetah panties. And I'm like, dude, these are cute. And so I said last night to you, I go, you go put on the cheetah panties. I go brush my teeth. He sure did. He put.

And then she said, go in the closet pictures of yourself in them and send them to me. I was like, I don't know how to do these sexy photos with cheetah pants on, but I'm going for it. Full send. None of those pictures turned out.

No, I was like. I was actually, like, a little bit turned off. I was like, turns out the cheetah panties are better on me, and he needs to stay in his lane.

Hey, listen, simple request, though. Think about this. You like the gray pants, but they're Cute.

They're like cute skims. They're, like, super tight and kind of see through.

You're not hearing me. You like the skims. I didn't say I don't like them. I said cheetah. Cheetah boy shorts are hotter. Wear the cheetah pants. But now it's like this. Like, now you think it's a game where I'm trying to control you.

I have a question.

When are you gonna go to Victoria's secret and get 12 more?

I can. I don't. I only have one. I've been hearing that somebody put on the same ones every day.

You got one. If I. I told you go, like, 12 times. You don't go.

Get them Secret in the mall.

What s. I'm ordering them today.

We can go there after dinner.

All colors.

Do they have to be cheetah?

I like those. I like the thong, too. But I'll be honest with.

I kind of like the little ash boys underwear. You guys. They're like.

They're not boys underwear at all. I proved that last night. Gay boys, gay boy shorts. That's what they're. If I was gay, I'd be definitely wearing those. I'm not gay, so I look gay. Last night.

I have a question.

Why the photos?

Didn't I just shared you your love language, which was like. Like, it wasn't just like, good job. Thanks for bringing home the bacon. It was when I saw you in your brilliance and you felt it there. Like, wow, she does see me, right? I saw you in your brilliance.

Do you see how you communicated right here?

Right? So when do you see me in my brilliance?

I'll get there.

Not in cheetah panties. When are you like, shit, that's pretty brilliant. That's my wife.

Okay, so right now, when I gave you a compliment, right now, learning how to use your words to communicate my value makes me feel respected. Okay. When you only feel it and then you keep it inside you and you don't share it with me eloquently in text or otherwise, then I don't know. Women live in the land of assume. You know everything I'm thinking. Guys don't operate that way. I'm like, just tell me. I'm not even going to try to pretend what you're thinking. Just tell me what you're thinking.

I did. I did communicate because we went to dinner that night, and I was like. I did say when we were at dinner, I go, well done. I'm really proud of you, of how you handled that.

That was Great.

But this. I. I were on a podcast, so I, I.

So I need to carry mics around.

No, no, no, no, no. Not.

We're recording our whole lives.

No, not because you're on a podcast. It was like, I wanted to describe to you how I was feeling. Not just, I'm proud of you, good job. I wanted to describe who I saw. I was like, that's my man.

And I want to hear that.

Okay, but then. So I'm Women, ladies, if you're on men think, like, they just want to pat on the back, thanks for bringing home the bacon. No, they want to know those moments when you're like, he is sexy as right now. And I want to express these feelings. Right.

I love that you're having a breakthrough right now. This is great.

Okay.

Don't take it offensive. You're, like, trying to be offended. I'm not, I'm not.

No. Cuz you said it to me yesterday. You're like, hey, I want to be told that I'm appreciated. I'm like, God, I feel like a shitty wife if he doesn't think I don't appreciate.

Pause right there. So let's talk about this for a second. So when I ask you, when I make a request, why does your mind immediately think you're a woman?

If you make a request, we'll be like, I feel like I am being a good wife. Maybe I'm not. We immediately, like, spiral.

Why?

I just ask. Ask.

You're a woman. Tell us.

Okay, I think, why do you spiral?

Don't make it about women. Make it about the woman you.

I think, because I'll be. Well, for me, I'll.

Well, I like. We're going here.

I'm gonna say a lot of women, we're in our feelings. And it's like, it's funny because I coach a lot of women and I coach a lot of hairstylists. And I'm like, you're in your feelings. Those aren't the facts. You're in your feelings. Get out of your head. You're in your feelings. And so I have to do that with myself.

But you normally don't.

What?

You normally don't. So let's uncrack this, because this is not just a problem for us. This is a problem that I watch that with all my guys and their wives, too. They try to share. So, like, here's all the cool shit you're doing, and we acknowledge that, and we say, you're doing amazing. And then there's a request. Hey, I'm asking For whatever this is, fill in the blank.

We thank you, don't see what we have done. And so we immediately take it as attack.

But. But why is that okay, but is that my responsibility? Your responsibility?

Then I was, like, thinking about it even further, and I was like, okay, if I can go to Garrett this morning and I can say, hey, I realize that you might be feeling like I'm rejecting you. So instead, how could you. How could you communicate that where maybe instead of saying, I need more praise and words of validation, just saying, think about my feelings before you asking for that. Because again, this morning, I was like, how can I validate, like, his feelings? I don't want him to feel rejected. But I do want to tell him. I don't know why that bugs me. I'm not saying I can't work on it. My biggest thing coming to you this morning was like, God, I don't want him to feel rejected. No man wants to ever feel rejected. Like, truth. Truth, right. Whether it's like, hey, I don't want to have sex, or, hey, don't tickle my back. Like, that's probably, like, I would say for women, they don't want to feel that too, but I would imagine it's a little bit stickier or harder for men to feel that from their wives. I don't know. But it seems like a big conversation in the man world. And so that's when they stop, like, trying to initiate cuddling, hugging, sex or anything, because they're like, my wife is just. Doesn't. She rejects me all the time. So, like, like I was saying, my intention for my conversation this morning was, God, I hate. I hate that he feels rejected. So if you want more praise or words of validation, I'm literally asking you, if you were to think, how might my wife interpret this? How is she feeling? And how could I communicate this in a different way? Go.

So when I ask you, not trying.

To be an ass right now, I'm genuinely asking.

I know. I still think a little bit about cheetah pants. So now that my cheetah pants are out of my mind now, I just thought about myself and the cheetah pants. Now we've ruined those cheetah pants. We'll throw them away. Can't use them anymore.

So they are stretched out now. Your ass is bigger than mine now.

So when I come to you and I say, hey, I would really appreciate it if you use your words to give me respect and praise for the things I'm doing.

I know. And you said that. So I'm asking, how could you communicate it a different way? Just really asking, babe.

I really appreciate everything you're doing. You're doing amazing work. You're the best stripper I've ever had. You are the best wife I've ever known. You are an amazing mother.

What if you were an inquisitive. Okay, like, what if you said, hey, was there any moments like this week where you felt taken care of or provided for or things like that? Then what I would do as I would cue into like, oh, he wants to hear about those moments. And then I could think back, you know what, babe? We were in the pool with the kids, and you were just, like, playing basketball and being Disneyland dad at her birthday. And I was like, I have the sexiest husband I've ever seen. He's the only one in the pool. He is the. The number one dad. He loves his kids. You can see it, right? And right now, even me communicating that, you're like, oh. So instead, what you could do is simply come and say, hey, were there any moments you had this week where I showed up for you? Instead of, hey, I really need more praise and validation from you because I'm not getting enough from you. Immediately, I'm like, what the. I'm like, trophy wife of the year. But instead, was there any moments.

I'm hearing you. I'm being serious with you. I'm not trying to laugh at you. Keep going.

I know, because I'm creating really good content right now.

You're creating really good content that completely describes the dichotomy between men and women. And it's wonderful. And I'm not saying it's wrong. I'm saying it's beautiful. This is great communication for us. We should have this conversation. I want to see.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Like, I do.

If you were. If you were like, God, I really had a hard week and felt like I was Disneyland dad and showed up for my wife, like, chances are I saw that too.

So do I have to come and dig for compliments? Is that what it is?

Well, I'm just saying, if you frame, like, if I'm.

They call that a pick me girl. That's our teenagers call it.

Yeah. If you want. If you need that. If that's. If I didn't give it to you and you need that just, like sex. You're like, if you need sex, you're communicating. You have no problem community. You're like, babe, get your cheetah panties on. I know that he means he needs Sex, Right?

That's three times. They're all asked for the cheetah panties.

And show up with the greatest. I'm just saying, like, you. You have no problem in communicating what you want. If this is something that you're like, hey, I need to see what she saw this week. It could simply be like, hey, how did I show up for you this week?

Do you know what I'm thinking of? I'm thinking of this visual. One time I saw this guy draw this in a presentation. He said, here's how men think a B straight line. He said, here's how women think a B. And then he draws squiggle lines all over the board in 900 directions, and eventually the squiggle lines end at B. So when you're asking men who think a B. Yeah. To go A, let's go on a field trip for 15 minutes and then find our way back to B. At what point does a woman have to cross the line and just be cool with a B? This is what I asked for. I agree with you. We have to learn the art of 164 pack crayons when we've only given training on.

But I just gave you a cheat. I was like, you want to go to A to B? So I'm like, you have no problem. Be like, I would like to have sex. You know what video I think of? The crazy hot matrix.

I know.

And then I remember, I'm the unicorn. You are. So if you need to Google that and watch that, that might be helpful in his demonstration of squiggly lines next. You'll want to watch that video.

Listen, the Lord brought patience to me.

Yeah, I'm the lion tamer. Thank you, Jesus. When people are like, oh, you're married to Garrett. I'm like, I sure am. How is that? It's incredibly challenging. Thank you for asking. And also rewarding.

Oh, boy.

So we had a prophetic prayer done, and they literally said. They literally said, you are a lion and she is your lion tamer. We've had good.

You were the mother of champions.

No, they said that too. We've had good friends of ours, men who are very similar personalities to you, and they. They think they need one of me. And I'm like, I can't. I'm the crazy hot matrix. I'm the unicorn. But I can give you some principles to help your girl tame their lion.

Oh, my God. I'll give you real simple. It's really easy to tame my lion.

Have sex with you until you're the man ttf.

Ttf. I mean, it's like A to B. It's like so simple. It's like I. You don't even need four.

I just gave you. I just gave you.

No, no, no. You're giving me the answer and I love it and I appreciate it and I will do it. And I'm just telling you the reason why it's challenging for a guy is because when a guy is trying to solve a problem, he's not going to take 19 roads.

But I am telling you to arrive there. When you say women are reactive. We are. Because if you try to bring something up, we're like, what do you mean we? We are very offensive. We get very like, we like.

So when does it.

Oh, my God. And I understand we have to be responsible for our own interpretations of things, okay? But so does the said delivery of it to not ruffle our feathers.

So then when you say things that cause me to react, you need to be responsible for how you said things.

Nope. I'm a woman.

Jesus. Gentlemen, you're listening to the show right now. Many of you are laughing in the car because we live in alternate realities. There's called the land of the penis and the land of the vaginal, and the land of the vagina does not speak the land of penis until it does. And it definitely doesn't in the cheetah shorts. So listen, I'm hearing you in all these and I agree with you. And I really just want to solve.

A problem so we can go to Victoria's Secret tonight.

No, no, that's easy fix. Obviously not. It's taken three weeks and we still haven't gotten anything, so. And I stretched out the only pair we had, which means I've ruined my future. So let's come back. And we lost both sex toys because those got hidden somewhere. Anyways, I don't know what our nanny did with it.

I don't want to share that she moved it somewhere because the three year old's like, what's this? And the nanny's probably like mortified and is like, I don't.

I've had time, Judah. I remember Charlie ran out with like a vibrator and like a cock ring and rolled out in the middle of the living room swinging them in front of your mom. And your mom was like, probably never seen those in her whole life.

We were raised Mormon.

She never saw those. We were like, yeah, give those to me, Charlie. Your mom's like, embarrassed looking down. Anyway, so I'm. What I'm hearing. Let me just make sure I'm getting this. My reception as a man to what you say needs to be bridled.

Bridled?

Bridled, like control?

Yes.

My delivery to you as a woman, as a man has to be bridled at any time. Does the bit on the bridle go into the mouth of the woman? Does she have to be bridled? Or is this a perpetual game of the man?

I think the woman would be.

Be bridled.

I think that the. Yeah, for sure. Like I, that's why this morning I shared that demonstration. I'm like, I could come down and be like, hey. I just didn't like when you're like, I could have been a total. And I was like, I need to. I was like, how is he feeling?

What changed? Because that's not normal for you.

But I just was like, I woke up like feeling kind of like sad. And I was like, why do I feel sad? And then I was like, I don't. And then I just literally went into like, I don't want to feel like, why does he make me feel like, broken? Because I don't.

Did I make you feel that?

No. And that's where I caught myself. I go, wait, he doesn't make me feel that way. That's a story that I'm creating in my mind. And now I'm going to be resentful towards him because now I'm projecting that he thinks I'm broken. He doesn't feel like I'm broken. And so I flipped the script on myself and I thought, well, if I'm feeling what might he be feeling? Immediately I was like, oh God, he just feels rejected. And no man wants to feel rejected. And so my approach to, to instead of making it about me, I was like, my approach was like, hey, I don't want you to feel that way. And that's why I think I, I woke up sad. Not cuz I was sad, but I was sad that I made you feel rejected. Does that make sense? So it was a big aha moment for me.

It's a big one. So can we keep it up?

Yes. But I'm saying we both could do this, right? Cause I think this is the, the big problem is we want to be so quick as, as a couple to be like, well, you're not listening to me. Well, you're not validating me. And instead if we just sat and we're like, how is my partner feeling? Like if you just thought about your partner first before going into a conversation and not make it have you done.

That any other time besides this morning?

I think. I'm sure I have.

You had those thoughts.

Yeah, because I get to these. These places where I'm like, I don't want this to turn into an argument. Why? And then I'm like, okay, well, I. It doesn't need to be an argument. And I have to, like, literally, like, extract myself from my body, and I can do this with anybody else. Like, I could, like, see a couple or something in business. I'm like, oh, you're not doing this and this and this. That's fucking why. But it's so hard to see it in yourself. So it's. For me, it was just like, okay, if I. And I teach hairstylists all the time, I'm like, yeah, if I can fire your clients, I can see this and this, and this is not working. If I can apply this to my students, why can't I apply it to myself? Why is it so hard for me? So I was like, I'm going to have to, like, take an outside perspective of being like, danielle, he's not really feeling that way. He's doing this and this. And then I'm like, oh, okay. Well, that seems like an easy fix. So if you're listening to the podcast, what I would suggest is think about how. What stories are you currently creating that are not true? Not to say that you don't have feelings that shouldn't be validated, but what stories are you currently telling yourself that are not true? And if you could literally take yourself out of your body and experience what might my partner be feeling? You'll come back into the situation with more of a calm and, hey, these are not the facts. These are stories that I am creating. That doesn't mean I can't validate my feelings for having them. And for me, it could just. Like I said, for me, it just took the approach this morning where I said, hey, babe, can I have five minutes before you go to work? And I could have let that sit all day. And I was like, you know what? I'm guilty of doing that a lot, where I let things sit and then they snowball. I'm just gonna ask if I can have five minutes and share something.

Hey, I'm proud of you because that's what I wanted to walk on the beach with you about tonight. Oh. Because I was like, somehow we've got to figure out a way for me not to perpetually feel like I'm being told no, which leads to feeling rejected. Now, the difference in who I am now Is I know who I am, which means I don't spiral in snowball with the rejection. But you can imagine couples have been married, you and I were married for so long where even touching you was rejection. Like so many years. Years, decade plus of our first part of our relationship. Sex was rough. Not rough. It was rough to have. I mean, it didn't happen. Touching you is rough. You always were pushing me away.

It all comes down to communication.

Don't you think I understand that we couldn't communicate?

Yeah.

So I have a decade of what I felt was rejection from this beautiful woman choosing a monogamous relationship. I'm with this woman. But now I'm not saying I was showing up in a perfect way, because I didn't have any coaching either. So I wasn't taking the dates. I wasn't sending the messages. I wasn't sitting and spending time with you and talking to you. I was working hard.

Yeah. And when I look back to that, too, I'm like, of course I didn't want to have, like, sex with you. I literally was like, we weren't hanging out. We weren't dating. We weren't communicating. We were just kind of like, living together, just working. And it was just. I went from a place of like. Like, such resentment, where I was like, yeah, here's. What do we call it? Pillow, pincushion duty, booty or whatever and call it. I was just like, oh, okay. But I couldn't. I thought something was broken in me. I was like, why don't I want to have sex with my husband?

Did you know, why did I build.

Up resentment from 2000? I didn't realize that marriage was work just like anything else. Like, literally, we were married so young that I was just like, this should be natural. Marriage is not natural. You don't naturally stumble upon success. You don't naturally become a millionaire or a billionaire. You work your ass off to get there. And so for me, it's like, oh, okay, well, that makes sense. Why the first, you know, five to seven years of our marriage was fucked up, and then most people call it quits and restart. And I was like, well, at this point, we have two kids in this situation, so let's see if we can dig ourselves out of this.

I went to the. And a lot of guys go to the strategy, too, that we're married young and have been with her wife for a while. I went from the rejection era to the I'm never gonna ask era.

Oh, yeah.

And I would never pursue you, not once.

Oh, but you're such an asshole.

Did not pursue you at all. And then there were even times where you would be horny because it had been like 10 days, and I would reject you.

Yeah.

And it may interesting enough. What you need to know is I felt joy in rejecting you.

Oh, I know. You told me that later.

I was like, fuck off. I would literally jerk off on purpose on date night, so I didn't have any sexual desire to be with you. And then when you would approach me, I would reject you. And I said, yeah, see how it feels after you did that for 12 years to me, I'm not saying that was healthy at all. And I'm not the only guy that's done this. I know tons of dudes who have just flat out, they have tapped the fuck out. They do not even pursue their wives anymore. They're like, fine. Some do. The ones that cheat are handling it one way. The ones that suffer are the ones who just look at porn and jerk off. And then they just never. It's awkward. They don't even know how to approach their spouse about it. We have dudes that have come in a war and had sex for three to four years with their wife, and they're still together.

Well, we cracked that when we were in therapy when you thought, like, I just didn't want to have sex. We've shared this before, but, like, you were like, something's wrong with my wife. She doesn't want to have sex. And I just thought it was like, it's not that I don't have sex. I just don't know how to have sex with you. But it's. Because we had such bad communication. We were emotionally disconnected, and it was just like, we didn't. There wasn't. Now I feel like with. Even though you're like, saying social media is bad, there's. There's actually a lot of awareness, too.

Sure.

Like, people, like, they're like, oh, I can't pay for a therapist, or I can't pay for this. I follow tons of people on social media. I'm like, wow, that is great. Oh, I'm going to apply that to my marriage. That. And it's free. Right. So as much as social media is like, oh, my God, we're so disconnected from. There's a. It's a. It's an era where we can of awareness.

Of course. It's like, it's podcast. None of this existed back when we first married. I was like, I try to explain to people now, like, young guys. I'm like, dude, you guys have access to so much content, so much information, so much insight, so many people to role model after dads that you didn't have dads that showed up. You got tons of dudes online, can act like a faux father to guide you, and you have help. We didn't have any help. That's why even dude's coming to warrior now. I'm like, dude, you're going to fix it. Figure this shit out way faster than I did. I had no blueprint, no roadmap, no brand, no books, no apps, no brotherhood, no tribe, no programs, no proven track record, nothing. It was just me floundering in the fucking darkness trying to find shit.

As much as people say, like, oh, people like, in their 20s and 30s, like, they're screwed. And where the world's going, I'm like, you can say that. And there's definitely, like, a divide. For sure. There's all. There's all the crazy people. But I do believe that with the awareness, it can save a lot of marriages. Had we had this kind of a, like, awareness when we were first dating, we might not have gone through that show.

If we'd had this podcast to listen.

To when we were first married, it wasn't available. So even though you have, like, the left side of who knows what the they are? And, like, literally, who knows what the they are? Yeah.

Purple hair, binary, transgender, we don't care.

You also have.

That's why our population is going down, by the way.

But. But let me finish my point. Let me finish my point. You also have people like your son Parker, who's like, I just want to have a family, and I want to be a good man, and I want to have, like, I want to figure out. Have a good relationship. Right? And it's, like, cool. Then you need to figure out how to communicate and have all these. These tools to create a beautiful life and a beautiful relationship. So I think it's. It's. Yeah, there is, like, a bit of divide, but it's also in an age where, like, we can. Awareness is key.

You heard it here. We had a therapy session, and we had a breakthrough. We had a breakthrough. Danielle had a breakthrough. I had a breakthrough. We both had breakthroughs, and we cannot break through with this show. So my wife can go pick up the kiddos. So, listen, here's the deal. We have told you this every single time on this show. We are not trying to pretend we are perfect. We are not marriage therapists. We are not licensed psychologists. We are not psychedelic medication facilitators. Or gurus. Although I've used quite a bit, I am none of those things. Remember, you were taking advice and counsel from the highest paid PE teacher in the world. I'm a pedagogist and a hairstylist. So when you question what we're doing, you got a PE teacher and a hairstylist giving you advice right now. You do with it what you want. But if it's working for you, here's the deal. Share this show up with your friends. It's the fastest way to get the show out. We are doing this show to help couples just like us who were stuck, who were struggling, didn't have anyone to listen to. Many of you listen shows like this. It opens up conversation. We're putting our lives online. We're showing you what's going on. This was real time shift for us. Today was happening here on the show. Hopefully it helped out for you. So share the show up. Also, along with this, you can get a free copy of the worry book@worrybook.com Fastest entry point to understand the warrior system. Ladies, if you want your man to be on fire and empower in a way I never was for most of my life and how I've been for the last 13 and how tens of thousands of my guys have figured it out. We've helped restore marriages and families and power and now it's going into the church world, which is exciting for us too. Check it out. Get a free copy or send a copy for your husband or your boyfriend to warriorbook.com from Danielle and I. That wraps us up here for another episode of the Date you Wife podcast.