Why Seeing Each Other Isn't Enough

I like that. And that's. That's where I feel like I really. I really. I really understand men. Like, I can sit in a room of, like, a bunch of warrior dudes, and I actually feel like I, like, understand them sometimes even more than a group full of women.

All right, well, welcome to this week's date your wife podcast. Podcast brought to you by the date your wife experience.

That's not out yet.

Well, it will be. And you're going to be excited about hearing about it, because the date your wife experience is your ability to participate with us live every single week with you and your spouse in a group of 100 plus men and women who are part of the wake up, warrior movement. Fluctuates week to week. You get to come participate with your spouse on a date with us and our therapist, simply known as the wizard. So we just had our very first one talk to him about how it was.

It was good. I. Every week when we meet with him, we're. It was interesting yesterday when we did our duf experience, and he said, there's three types of couples that he coaches. The ones that are like, I'm done. And they just kind of want to be basically given permission to be like, okay, you're done. Bye. Bye. There's the ones that are like, I'm. What was the other one? I'm having a hard time. Or like, I'm.

Or.

Or, oh, crap. Like, oh, crap moment. Like, we gotta fix something.

Like, we're, whoa, shit, we're stuck.

And then the other is, like, going from good to great. Which. We have been through all levels of therapy. Like, it could have been, we're done. Then it could have been, oh, crap. And now we're kind of in a space where we're like, hey, we're. We're pretty stable. We want to go from good to great. He calls it greedy. He's like, these are. The couples are a little bit greedy.

Yeah.

So we did a fun experience with multiple couples yesterday, and we did, like, kind of like. I think. I think a lot of people. I can only speak from my experience, but I was very nervous and apprehensive to try therapy because I was like, well, that's what you do if you're broken, or that's what you do when you think things are over. And I was like, I don't know if I'm ready to admit to myself that it was over. But then when I got to this place where I'm like, it might be over. So I'm willing to try this this was years ago, and then actually in therapy ended up saving our marriage. So I thought it was cool to. I think a lot of people are maybe like, scared to have a therapist. So we opened up this experience to where multiple couples and a qualified therapist and you can share. And that's really what we do on this podcast, is share some of our experiences to give other couples permission to have tough conversations. And so we're not. We're not therapists, we're not experts, but we have been married for 20 years. We've gone through a ton of. And so we thought creating this experience would just give more couples permission and almost have like, oh, I feel that way too, because there's a lot of common male and female perspectives. And I like that he breaks it down and he's like, there's different personality types, but then there. There's even like the male and female nature and perspectives of things. So I can't remember where I was going with that. Like, what did you talking about?

Date wife experience and you coming to participate. You can learn more at date your wife date, where you can get all the show tips and tricks. It's happening here every single week. But again, this is a sample. I want you to imagine being in a dynamic with our therapist and ourselves, as well as a hundred plus powerful couples getting to be in dialogue with you and your spouse, as well as getting to be in dialogue with other powerful couples who are part of the wake up warrior system. It's kind of your onboarding experience to being part of Warrior and learning the tools of it. But getting to have a weekly date night with us and participating.

There's something else you asked me, though, and I totally spaced.

I was just asking you how you felt about it.

Oh, you know, you're asking me about therapy today and how I felt about it. So then today, every week, Garrett and I, I call it marriage maintenance at this point, because it's not like we have a therapy session. It's like an hour and a half to two hours every single week. And it's. What we've done in the past is wait till things are oh, shit mode. And instead I was like, hey, you work on your business, you work on your. Your relationship with your children, your employees. Why would you not work on your relationship as a couple? And it's wild to me how many couples think that by seeing each other, that means working on their marriage, by passing by, that means working on your marriage. But yet then they go and work with their teams and their kids, and they're Actively involved in connective communication, but yet just seeing your husband or your wife, you're like, oh, well, I saw them, so I don't need to work on my marriage, right? And it's gone to the point where even so many couples that we hear it in warrior all the time, they're like, yeah, I don't. The last time I went on a date with my wife was a month ago. I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, you didn't actually take her to dinner and talk. I'm like, that's so different than like making dinner in the kitchen and then like being in your own house and having your own patterns and routine, especially if you have kids then, then there's no quality time to where like you can kind of like tune out the kids for a minute. So it's like mind boggling still to this day, I think, because that's one of the other things that saved our marriage was having those weekly conversations. Even in the beginning when we would fight, at least we are still in the fight. And so I find it interesting that the couples don't have date nights. And then number two, I was like, hey, let's, you know, Garrett was like, hey, we're gonna do therapy once a week. And I was like, I finally submitted. At first I was like, no, we don't need that. And we kind of drifted. Then I was like, okay, I see the value in doing it. So this week it took you a.

Minute to see the value in it though. Like, you were the first one to resist therapy. Even back in the day you did.

You were right. I saw the value in it, but I just looked at it as like.

Did you see that? You know, go back though? Like 2016, the only reason you went to therapy was because I had ultimatum do just like you ultimatum me this year in 2023. Like I ultimatum to you. And we were in a big argument and I said, we're gonna fix these now in marriage we've been working on forever and either we're going to figure this out or we're not. And if we're not going to figure it out, then I'm done. Kind of like you done me this year in 2023. And I was. And the solution at that time was standing in the kitchen with you. And you said, well, what's, well what's the first steps? And I said, we go to therapy every single week.

And then you and I took start out like that. It was like we went doing.

That's what we started though. We Went and tested sessions. We went and tested a bunch of different therapists. There were some times we were going to two therapists at 2016, and then we. That was our first experience with marriage therapy. And we went to a sex therapist. We went to a marriage therapist. We tested a bunch of different therapists. And what was your experience? What do you remember about therapy back in 2016? I have a couple memories. I don't remember a ton.

I immediately. I immediately liked it because I remember sitting in, like, one of the. One of the ladies I didn't really like. But then there was one lady. There's, like, two ladies. I didn't like her.

How come you didn't like her? How come you don't like them? Because they called you out?

No, I didn't like her energy overall.

Yeah.

And I know I just didn't vibe with her. I just. She wasn't aggressive. I just didn't like the energy. So then we went to the therapist that I liked is. I felt like she kind of. She would take what I was saying and communicate it. She was like a sounding board and not. And I felt like, for the first time, you could empathize with how I was feeling. Like, you were so angry at me, I couldn't even talk to you. I was like, because your. Your personality. If you've studied any of the enneagram, Garrett's an 8. I'm a 5. I would recommend going and checking that out. That's what our recent therapist had us do. But our personalities are. Garrett's very, like, fiery, and, like, his fire would make me wall up and close down and kind of retreat and hide. And so I felt like I couldn't have tough conversations with him without being verbally attacked. And it was very hard to. I felt. I feel like I'm a strong person, but it was just hard. I felt like we were always on this running loop of a conversation that was going nowhere. And so that's when in therapy for the first time, I'm like. She would say something back, and it was like a light bulb went off, and I was like, thank. Oh, my God. Like, you're finally hearing. And, like. Like, you understand what I'm saying. Like, you're not. Sometimes you would get triggered. Like, in therapy, there's a few times you did some burpees in the middle of it.

I was like, it's called a. I.

Was like, do you see what I deal with? Like, I'm like, at least he's doing burpees. Like, I'm. He usually chases Me around the house.

And yells at me, oh, God.

It was bad for a while. It was bad. Like, I literally, I'm not having this conversation. And I. You would get followed around the house. So I was kind of at a point where I was like, I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore. And so I found it was a way for us to communicate without, like, freaking blowing up on one another and having a conversation get triggered and go nowhere. So I had a positive experience, and it was just interpreting each other better through therapy, which I.

That was our first round. And had we known about Stephen and the wizard and. And our current protocol would date your wife experience, which you're gonna get a taste for it. And it can be $197 a month. You can come in, test it for a week. If you like it, great, Stay. If you don't like it, money, back, off you go. But it's an opportunity for you to come experience a date night every week. Cheapest date night ever. $50 a date. You and your wife, you and your husband, glass of wine, cigar, whatever. Sit back and be part of the experience and interact with us for an hour and a half as we go through the process of teaching. He teaches a concept, and then from the concept, we get to discuss and spend time talking about specific topics as a couple. Then we go into breakouts with group as, like, you and four or five other couples getting to talk about it. And then we come back into the main stage, and then Stephen processes myself and Danielle in front of everybody, takes us into it, or does that with one of the other couples, which we have a bunch of couples who volunteer every single week. So.

But today, specifically, our therapist was like, you two, I'm proud of you. This is one of your best sessions, because there's been so many sessions where we get triggered, and then we get in the. I call it the cycle, the fight loop, where it doesn't really go anywhere. And you're like, why I said this, why I said this, why this is. And then he always mimics us back and makes fun of us.

But how many. I mean, we've been doing therapy with him since we came in with Stephen. Like, 91 1. Because we were in a oh, we're done moment in March. You were. You were in a oh, we're done moment in March, April.

Yeah.

What was that all about?

I. Well, I think I've shared this on a few podcasts, but I'll share a piece of the story if you want to hear the rest of the story. You're gonna have to come do our DURF experience because I'm not gonna. I'll be more vulnerable and open with that group. But I. Garrett and I had our fourth daughter in 2022, and I got back in shave, like, lost all the baby weight, entered bikini competitions and won, had full time support at the house. My businesses were taking off, like, everything. Garrett's businesses were doing good. We were flying private, going on vacations. Like, just kind of like in this fast pace, fast track pace of life. And I hit a wall last December where I was like, what is missing? Like, I just was like, God, like, what is missing? It felt like the year had just blown by and I was like, why am I still not happy? Like, I. I did more than just a checklist. Like, we're living a very, like, purposeful life. And like, I got. Had my fourth baby recovered. I'm like, what is missing? I'm like. And why am I, like, having these thoughts and these feelings towards my husband and our relationship and to the point where it was so painful that I was like, are you willing to have these tough conversations with your husband if you lost everything?

Well, like, with the risk of losing of the.

Yeah, with the risk of losing everything. And I kind of was like, yeah, I refuse. The money is great, but the money, when you have it all, you're kind of like, what else? What am I missing? It's like it becomes almost hollow in a sense.

The wild part to me was that you were. It's not like I didn't necessarily say faking so much as that you were pursuing and attempting to find what this thing was you were looking for. Feeling wise.

Well, I thought it's funny because like I said, like, I had a very, like, purpose driven business, and I really loved what I did. It was. It was like I was specifically missing something with you.

You were. And what were you missing?

Connection. And I think you were feeling the same way. And so the way you were communicating it to me, like, I kind of was feeling the same way, but mine was a little more aggressive. How I had to share it. Yeah, but you're an aggressive man. And I don't know if I would have gone through any other way I could have just been like, you don't see me, you don't think I'm pretty. Like, it had to be like, hey, here's how I'm feeling. And I realize it's risky telling you this, but that's where I'm at right now. But I was getting.

I was getting a lot. In 2022, I was getting a lot more amazing photos texted to me than 2023. I'm sorry, I just was thinking about.

That I was recovering from a baby and got a new boob job. Hell yeah. I was like, you like this angle or you like this angle? You decide, sir.

You're like, we are. No.

You know what?

Closed down for the.

That's not it. For the year. No, I.

You realize you are. You're like. You sound way more.

You always take a good conversation and turn it right into sex.

It's not right into sex. I mean, we're. We're sitting here. Well, here's that fact. Because that led up to it. What I'm saying is, in 2022, we were having the best sex ever. You were the most open, the most free. We were the most adventurous. We were testing all things. And yet there was still.

I think I was like, doing all these things. Like, oh, yeah, just more wild sex and, like, more fitness competitions and more, like, more, more, more. Let's, like, do it. And then I was like, it literally, like, I hit a wall. Like, I'm like, okay, there's still. I'm still not fulfilled. And I was like, God, I should. I almost, like, I felt guilty about it. Like, I literally was like, I feel guilty. Like, I should just be. That's how we were raised. Like, you hit a certain point, you hit the checkbox, and you should just magically be happy. And then I was like, there is no such thing as a checkbox. And just when you think you hit it, like, you're missing the pursuit of having. It is where you find the happiness. And so it was like, I hit these things at so many areas of my life, but I felt like there was a next level with you and I. And I think a lot of couples, or not a lot of couples, I would say people in general, like, if they feel like something's missing and they have a shit ton of money and they're just pursue more work, I'd maybe have you consider that maybe you need more with your partner.

Well, I'll tell you, we have. We have gotten to a place in our relationship where it makes. I actually have a deeper empathy for producing families that make a bunch of money. And why Orange county is kind of the way it is with the sense that you get to a place where you are pursuing and you have. You're checking all the things on the box. You're having sex, you're going trips, you got the kids, you're fit, both of Us are fit. Like, we're having it all across body, being balanced, in business, spiritually, both of us on fire, plugged in our path, our way with God. Kids are on fire. We're homeschooling the kids. Like, right now we're living in a reality that our pit was beyond our wildest dreams in our previous peaks. So, like, looking at our world, remember you were sitting there one time, you're like, hey, if I could have taken a snapshot of my life now and then showed it to me in Gilbert, Arizona.

And what are you bitching about?

I mean, seriously, think about that for a second. Like, take. Go to Gilbert, Arizona to Shamrock Estates to your little. Your little strip mall salon. What was that called?

I just had my own salon.

But what was it called? It was like salon studios or something like this.

Just like a spa salon studios right.

Next to the Taco Bell and right next to that little apple sandwich shop that right there. Like, we would. I would ride the scooters. Lucky. We were happy. Like, we were happy in a different way.

Yeah. Yeah. Simpler times.

I mean, it was like, no pressure, no nothing. But like, you fast forward to like, this reality we're in today, and I see why people get to. All of us get to this place, though, where you've. You've obtained having it all at a certain level. And what was new becomes numb and inside of. Or becomes normal, and that normal becomes numb, and that numb leaves you in decision, which is either I'm going to accept. Accept your calling, let it all go and rise again, or I'm gonna destroy or sedate what I have and destroy myself and have to start over again. And we had gotten to that place where we had literally checked every box, but you were still unfulfilled. And I was still, when I was able to be honest about it, was feeling the same way.

There was a lack of chemistry and connection with us. The sex was great. And I was like, nope, there's more. Like, it's connection is not just about sex. And I hate every Christian woman. It's like, yeah, thanks. Not. I'm like, no, sex is a huge part of it. Like, don't get me wrong. But connection is. Is with great sex is. They go hand in hand.

But I mean, bottom line, we had.

We had some. We had some connection, but I was looking for even more.

Yeah, I mean, you. Let's be straight. Could you have great sex with hundreds, if not thousands of other men? I'm not saying that you would have sex with thousand men, but I'm Saying, could you have Great. I'm not saying cheating on me, but, like, if you take the biological side of it, there are thousands of men on the planet, at least, who could deliver up a very potent sexual experience with you.

Right? But, like, that's what I'm saying is, like, sex is very. It's more intimate than just like, the act of it.

But what I'm. But I'm saying that piece of it, if just look at the physical piece of it, like, there is no question about it. There's, like, other men that you have sexually.

There's not enough good orgasms that can equate to good connection.

Right? But that peace physically could be delivered on. Could be delivered on physically for me too. Right? So that peace with it when it's missing in relationship and marriage is a massive issue. But once you have it, it's also not enough. So even though you could have all these, like, you could have deep sexual impact with your spouse, or in theory, you could end up being in a sexual relationship with a thousand other people, you could have a relationship with somebody different than who your spouse is. There's still a piece beyond sex that we were both looking for, which was what?

Connection. And just for each of us to. The only way I describe is like. Like, I'm. Like, I would be. Like, I want to be seen. Like, I want you to. Like, I want there to be that chemistry. I want to be attracted to you because there's times where I'm, like, completely annoyed and turned off by you, which I'm sure is normal in marriage.

But.

But I was like, I'm missing. Like, I can tell when we're better connected because you can walk into the room like, he's freaking cute. You know what I mean? And I don't know if men feel the same way. I'm sure they do, actually. I don't know. I think men see women walk into a room and they can have those feelings no matter what.

But for women, you have to be pretty pissed off.

Yeah, I was like, for women, it's. It's different. Like, we can be. Our guy can walk in the room and we can be severely turned off and annoyed. It doesn't mean we don't love you, but we know when we're connected because when you walk in the room, it's. It's. There is a sexual chemistry that you're just like, he's cute. Yeah. Like, it's when it. Like, you're like, I'm.

Let's.

Let's go. So for me, I Mean, I don't know if all women are like that. It's interesting. Our therapist today was like, saying he's like, you really understand men because you're so in your head. I was like, thank you. But I've always felt that way. I've always felt like I'm very feminine and masculine at the same time. But it's because I am very much a problem solver and like, analytic and very much in my head. So I don't think take things too personal. So I did. That can be good and bad. You know, it can be. It can be. I can relate and understand you, but at the same time, she. I. I don't know. But I feel like you are always telling me I'm not emotional or I don't empathize, but I do. I just.

I just don't.

I communicate it in a very analytical, like, problem solving way, which I think I'm helping and just not communicating it well. I disagree, but I.

You think you're communicating, but it's not receiving.

Yeah, right. I am still communicating. I'm speaking. But I realize that I almost have to, like, sit and pause and acknowledge and listen to what somebody's saying that validate what they're saying and then go in and give them my two cents. But I immediately in my brain just goes to like, you should solve this problem. But anyways, it's a blessing and a curse. But I'm.

It's a dude thing.

I know. And that's. That's where I feel like I really. I really. I really understand men. Like, I can sit in a room of like, a bunch of warrior dudes, and I actually feel like I, like, understand them sometimes even more than a group full of women.

Well, you're natural. Your natural MO is not to default to the emotional side of life. And that's the five in the enneagram, which is very logical. Very, very headspace about it. But, like, you have deep amounts of feeling, so where are all the feelings at? Because the thing is crazy is you have tons of feelings. Yeah, they're like incredible amounts.

I think I describe it as like, I have like a big heart. Like, Like, I almost am. Like, I can't shut it off. Like, I feel like that's why I have, like, such anxiety because I'm always in my head and I feel so much so. So, like, at the end of the day when I go to bed at 9, I'm like, I'm tired. Like, I just. I really take on, like, it. That's why I think I have the skill. You're like, you wall up to me. It's like a defense mechanism because I feel so much. I'm like, I almost. I literally have to tune people out because I, I think I genuinely. If I connect with you, I really care. And so I always say, like, like, I, I'm like, You're like the person in the grocery store that, like, says hi to. Everybody wants to spark conversation. I'm like, don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Because immediately I, like, I literally can, like, I just, yeah, like, pick up on people's energy quite a bit.

So you're an empath, then.

What does that mean?

Like, you take, like, empathic, like, you, you literally take on people's energy all the time.

Like, I could. If I, if I physically look at somebody and they look like they're in pain, I'm like, oh, I hope they're okay. Like, I.

You take it on. I'm looking up this definition of this word for you because, like, the interesting part is this came up. This came up at NBR Council recently, and Bridia is an empath. And she. Let's see, let's see if it defines it. Empath, a person who has a particular tendency or ability to enter into or psychologically identify with the emotions, thoughts, or attitudes of others.

I think that's why I'm good at sales.

Yeah. But, like, the interesting part is, like, part of it is that when you have that as a gift, if you don't know how to use it, then when your shields are down, everybody's energy comes into you. Right. Is that true for you? Is, like, how you feel? Like if you're, if you're.

I naturally. What I'm telling you is I naturally have my shields up. I'm very protective of my energy. And so if I have my shields down, I'm. That's why when people get to know me, they're always like, saying, surprised. And I'm like, well, you're in my space. I let my shields down. I'm very vulnerable and honest in that space.

So you think the alcohol helps the shields come down?

I think that's why I. Yeah, that's why you drink. I think that's why I drink and kind of. I, I. It's like the only thing, because I've tried weed, gummies, other things. I can't shut my brain off. Like, I literally am like, if I have a drink, then I'm like, finally, I'm like, oh, I can't. I, like, I. Everything Relaxes, Like, I can't, I can't. I can't use the front part of my brain anymore.

I'm like, do you know, like, like maybe you know or don't know. Do you know the meditation, like mantra based meditation actually trains your frontal lobe to shut off. To shut off, like, to clear the slate. Like, I do not have too many thoughts going on right here consciously at all. But I've been meditating since 2000.

But can you. I can't be in that space when I'm at dinner with people, so. Really?

Yeah, because now you're just float. So all this knowledge that you have is sitting in servers in the back of your brain and like your conscious thought is all happening up here. So if you, with meditation and discipline meditation over time, you're able to like, wipe the slate clean on your brain so that there's just pure, like, being is right here. Like, the thinking is all happening here. So I wonder what happened with your sleep, but I also wonder what happened in conversation with others if you had this, if you had control of this piece at a new level with meditation. But you seem to be kind of resistant to meditation.

No, I mean, I have my own form of meditation. Like, I'll give you an example. Like, I know how to turn it off. Like, in fact, if I'm tired, I don't drink caffeine. I literally will go upstairs and I go in this weird dream space where I feel. I feel the frontal part of my head close off and I'm not fully asleep, but I'm like in the pocket and. And I set a timer for 30 minutes and I wake up and I'm refreshed. I know how to meditate. Yeah, I do the same thing when I go get my eyelashes.

Do you do some kind of mantra or anything with it? Or like, do you. No.

I don't know how to describe it because I used to do mantras or I try and then I'd be like, this is worse.

It's like, what mantras were you using?

Not mantras, but I would like repeat sentences in my head. Yeah, so what were you repeating?

My husband's hot as hell.

No, I would just be like, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep. Like, I don't know, like, close your eyes, close your eyes. I just repeat something over and over and then I found it annoying. So I just physically imagine like a piece of my brain lifting up and like, just moving it out of the way. I can do that. I do that too when I Go to, like, the red sauna thing. The first 20 minutes, I just lay there, and I. I just kind of unplug. And then when I get my eyelashes done, same thing. I tell the girl. I'm like, I'm not going to talk. This is my meditating time. So I know how to meditate, but I couldn't be in that space and have a conversation with somebody. I don't know how to do that.

Well, if. I mean, you're. You're used to doing it with your eyes closed. So there's a certain level you can get to where, like, you can run the mantras, like, I'm gonna be talking to you, and, like, running mantras to keep myself present. But, like, I've learned how to, like, do that. And this happens to everyone that meditates over time as they get to a place where they can clear that part of their mind. But I wonder what happened if meditation became, like, an active practice for you, really, and you used it before bedtime, not your phone and not tv. Like, if that would help with your sleep, because it would, like, calm your brain down. And then, like, if you had, like, some kind of, like, a stretching routine that you did at night that would calm your body down, calm your mind down, and then you went to sleep, maybe even. I read you a book. Not, like, reading you to sleep, but I'm like, I read you a book that you fell asleep.

Hey, I'm up for anything. I. I'm a light sleeper, and I feel like I have to get a good night's sleep. I have to set myself up for perfect conditions, which means, like, eat great, don't drink, work, work out. Don't go to bed too early, but don't go to bed too late. Make sure your husband doesn't snore. Like, if I hit all those things, I'm like, wow, I slept great.

But it's not working.

It's.

I literally.

I feel like. I feel like every week, if I get two nights of good night's sleep, I'm like, wow. And part of me is like, I'd be like a superhero if I actually, like, could sleep.

Maybe that's. Maybe it's the deal. Like, God's like, hey, she is too powerful. We're gonna need to give her some sleep. What's called when you can't.

Sleep deprivation.

Sleep deprivation. Some.

When I'm running at full capacity, I always joke around. I'm like, I'm a monster.

Like, seriously. Like, so.

But it's. But it's. Don't you feel like some days when you're like, you have so much energy, you're like, that was amazing. And I felt like a superhuman. But like, I don't know if I could do that every day.

I mean, I feel like that every day.

Okay.

Like, I feel like energized, like naturally. Like I have like a ton of human life, like just a lot of life force. But I would be interested to see what would happen for you if. Because when you do get a good night's sleep, you are on pure fire. But part of it is your brain's going, part of it is like your energy is just flowing different at night. I almost wonder if it's like all the feelings that have not been expressed all of a sudden come out.

I was so excited to get a night's sleep last night. And you literally.

Is it really a snore?

I'm sorry? You have a sleep guard and like instead of being.

I got a mouth guard instead of being like.

It's just like really? You're like, I'm not soaring. I'm like. You are, you're like. You're like. Are you sure it's not heavy breathing? I'm like. Heavy breathing would be like.

You're like, Is it really that loud?

Yeah. With a mouth guard in. Before it was like a gurgling noise. It's like gone down from.

It was like. That was before the mouth guard. And now what's the mouth guard sound like?

Now the mouth guard's like this.

Really?

Yes. And I'm like. You're like, do you want me to record?

Am I doing this like continually?

Yeah, I have to kick you about every 45 minutes. So like you. You wake up all peppy at 4am and I roll out at like 6 and you're like, are you okay? I'm like, no.

Am I really snoring the whole time?

The funny thing is the other night I literally. Cuz I feel bad for kicking you, so I just give you like a tickle on the back to be like.

The other night you wanted to.

I know you've done that twice in a row. And I'm like, I swear to God, if you touch me, I should just kick you. But I'm like, I'm so. It's not that I'm not open to.

It, but it felt too good. You were enjoying it. No, otherwise you gotta push her out.

I remember when it was. But like two nights ago you literally like rolled over and like cuddled me and then started snoring in my ear.

And I was like, no, I didn't.

Yes, you did. And I was like, how do I squeeze out of here?

Like, oh, wow, that's troubling. Well, listen, like, part of it is, like, my. My snoring has definitely gotten more intense in the last, like, two months, and that's the price you pay for getting bigger muscles.

Your snoring's been bad before you got bigger muscles, but I do think you.

Think it's worse now than it was, like, four months ago. Yeah.

I don't know if it's muscles or age, but heavier.

So we're doing the tape your mouth.

Shut strategy this morning. I was like, babe, I'm gonna tape your mouth shut. I'm like, no, it's not like a bondage thing. Like, it's called snort tape.

I know BDSM on this one. This is just a. This is just a. Give it a. Give it a shot.

Yeah.

So one of the things that come up with a lot of couples that a lot of guys I've been working with, like, I work with right now in our programs, is there is a. There's a lot of couples having real talk about sexual desires. Meaning, like, it's become way more of a. Like, a topic where, like, individual men raised in a very orthodox Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, Seventh Day Adventist. Yeah. I'm not talking to the girls, but I've been talking with the guys about it, and the women and the men are all having these more real conversations than they've ever had before as a couple. And it's making both. It's pushing both of them to have just dialogue around sex that they've never had. And many of these individuals been married for five years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years.

You know what I liked in therapy today? The parable he gave us. Like, he's like, yeah, one. One day my wife came up to me, and she could just tell I was frustrated. And she's like, hey, you're. What she say you're full of. What do you call it?

Sperm overload.

Yeah. He. She's like, come here. You have a case of sperm overload. Let me help you out.

It wasn't sperm overload. It was something different. It was like semen.

But I find that, like, ladies, like, if you're feeling friction, I'm just going to give you a word of advice. Men need it more than women. Don't take it offensively. If they didn't take out the garbage, if they didn't hit your checklist. If you want a happier Husband, take him up to the bedroom, you. And let him get his overload out. Because there's a lot of times, like, Garrett will be sharp with me. And I'm like, I'm not taking this personal right now. You just need to have an orgasm. And so I don't even say anything anymore. I just like, if it's been a few days, I literally will, like, pursue you because we both get busy, we get tired, whatever. Maybe it doesn't happen at night. And then one day turns into two days, three days, four days, five days. So there's times I recognize this with you. And lately it's, for some reason been on a Saturday. And I'll be like, babe, it's middle of the afternoon. Like, you're coming with me. And sometimes I have to be kind of aggressive about it. You'll be like, oh, I gotta go meditate. I'm like, no, I'm. You can do that after. And then you're, like, happier. And so I kind of realized this like, a while ago. I was like, he's not mad at me. He just needs. He needs a release. I have no problem helping him out to do that. Like, it's. And most of the time when that happens, like, you understand that it's not. It's like, it's like a five minute thing. Like, it's not that big of a deal.

Well, a lot of people do, like, are, like, A lot of couples are unable to be this, like, be honest with each other.

Well, that's why I was sharing that on this podcast. I'm like, hey, if you sense that your man's kind of being an asshole, and you're like, I did nothing to you, but you haven't had sex in like four or five days. Just like, go, like, don't take it offensively. Don't be like, oh, my God, he's using me. I'm a piece of meat. He's providing for you. Like, help the man out. Like, I mean, I wasn't always this way, but when I figured it out, I was like, well, that was like an easy button.

What switch for you? Because you were. You were. You've probably been that way for five years.

I was. I knew. I always sense this about you and I. But the problem on the flip side, if I didn't, like, be like, hey, babe, come here. Because there was a lot of times I could tell you weren't mad. Like I said, it was just you were sexually frustrated. But if my. I would hold it against you, I would almost be like, well, I'll show him. But then what would happen is then you would go four or five more days. And then you were like, there was no sexual frustration anymore. There, it was almost just like numbness.

There was.

And so there was almost like I was like, oh, he's not even mad anymore. He's just, he's just numb. I was like, that might actually be worse. And then there was no happening. Yeah. And then there was like no conscious effort to do anything to try to do the date nights. Then, like, there was no desire. You were just like, you were like, shut off mode and just work and grind. And I was like, I actually think that's worse. And so that's, that was my old pattern. And then it would finally, we'd blow up and I'd be like, what's wrong with you? Like, blah, blah. And you're like, I was so tired of this cycle of not having sex for four or five days. Then I was like, I'll show him. And then you were like, I'll show her. And then it was like a numbness for four or five more days. And then five more days it was like a fight and a blow up. And I just was over the pattern. I was like, this is so stupid and it doesn't need to happen. And so as our, I think as our communication and relationship started to get better, I finally was so tired of these patterns and routines that sexually that we were having that I was like, I'm not, I refuse. I'm a part of this too, and I refuse to operate in this space. So I don't care what I have to do to break these patterns and behaviors. So I kind of became the initiator with the sex card and found a lot of fun in it. Found a lot of power in it. So the other funny parable I like that he, he shared today in therapy, he's like, he's like, okay, so Carol and Bob, they both work full time jobs and they both get home at 5pm every single night. Would you bet on Carol can seduce Bob in the next 30 minutes or Bob can seduce Carol in 30 minutes? And you're like, you would always bet on Carol seducing Bob in 30 minutes. You would win every single time. So I think I understand that women hold that power. And when I realized, I was like, wow. And in understanding that women hold that power, I had so much empathy for men.

You didn't in the beginning.

And I know, and I'm sharing my journey. And that's why I'm like, ladies like you hold the card. It's a powerful card. Like if your man is trying, if he's literally, if he's an asshole, like, fuck him. But if you have like a guy in Warrior who's like doing everything they can trying to be a better husband, they're trying to be a better provider, and you're still stuck in your own stories, it's not going to serve you, it's not going to serve your relationship. So I think at that point you kind of have to surrender to your ego, to the better good and the better good in that moment. Ladies, if you have a family and you have a husband that's trying, surrender to whatever you need to do and see what happens. He's already surrendering to try to be a better person. So I think it has to be this give and take between the man and the woman if you're in a sticky spot in your marriage.

So it's a topic that's never going to go away. It's a top. It's a weird topic too because, I mean, it's interesting. If you, if you took sex out of the equation for guys and you're like, said sex was not like even, like, was not even a thing. Like, if you took sexual attraction away from men with women, I don't think most dudes would hang out with girls. I don't think. I think most guys have spent most of their time with other guys just hanging out, doing other things than they would spending time with women. Like, it's sexual attraction and the polarity of sexual. It's the desire to bury your penis in a vagina. Like that naturally drives a man to want to connect and pursue. So you eliminate that as a variable and it's like problematic. Like, we've been talking about this, we've been talking about this with porn because I'm like launching these big marketing campaigns on porn right now called a porn to power. And we're discussing and have been studying all those research and data on what is affecting, what is not affecting me during those years, during those times where we go 14, 15, 18 days with no sex, or maybe sex once every three or four weeks. The only way a guy survives in that environment is porn and masturbation unless he completely shuts down. And if he completely shuts down, then he won't go there. But most times, porn and masturbation. So I spent years like going to porn as a connection, an attempt to feel connected to the point that it got to a place that it was easier. My mind had to make A decision, Like a conscious decision, do I want to go try to connect with my wife, or would I rather just quickly handle this with her?

Well, it's easier, right? It's easier because there's no vulnerability in that, but there's also no power in that. There's literally no power.

There's a release, not an increase in power. For sure.

Like, you'd be better off, like, taking a risk at your wife. Then it's a lower level, really. It is. Like, if you're so scared of your wife, it's. What do you, like, why?

You know why? You know why?

Why?

15 years, you were not a big supporter of this.

Fear of rejection. I get it.

Is.

But I still. Still think, like, me having tough conversations is a fear of losing it all, for sure. So it's like, it's a powerful person to say, like, hey, I'm not going to go this route, which means I'm going to confront my wife that this is important to me and this is what I need. Or you can take the easy out, or you can shut off, but I'm not after that anymore.

Yeah.

And that's why I think even in those moments, like, you're human. But if it's a regular occurrence, like, you might have to ask yourself, like, what the fuck am I doing? Who am I?

It gets to. I mean, I've gotten a message from a few different women in the past couple weeks about their husbands who are not putting out, but who go to porn. Because I've been making posts about it and talking about it, and, like, the men have gotten to a place where now they can't because it's easier.

They don't want to do the work.

To get their wife. They don't even try to connect with their wife. And these women say, hey, you know, I would never turn them down. I'm available all the time. And I'm like, eh, what was the backstory on this? How did we get here? You know, how many years? Because, like, people hear you talk about it now, but what they don't see is 15 years of you being kind of a prude, like, even though you were deeply into sex. 15 years.

You think I've only been good for the last five?

Yeah.

Well, then you've only been a provider for the last two.

Okay, that's fine. Why you have to, like, come?

Because I'm like, really? Like, I feel like I've made, like, a conscious effort.

You did in 2017 and 18 and 2023. So from 2017, we moved into.

We moved in three ocean down to Dana Point.

That then was not. We were still. That's where we went to the ward. 2016 at the end in Dana Point over here is right before we went to Date with Destiny.

So I would say.

But I would say that was like, when I put it on the line and said, either sex is gonna elevate or I'm out. What's that?

I'd say it's probably like 2016, 17.

It was 2016. At the end of 16 was when we had the war.

It's irrelevant anyways.

Well, it's not irrelevant, like, because, like, in 2023, you came at me with an ultimatum, and that was gonna end the marriage if things didn't change. The way I came at you with an ultimatum. I came at you about sex. And then after that ultimatum, you rose, and then you matched my bet, and you came back and said, I'm coming at you for intimate connection. And if you don't deliver it and you don't show up with us in this marriage with me, I'm out. So we both had this, like, ultimatum that caused the other one to rise. I came at you about sex. You met my call. Then you came at me about intimacy and soul level connection and being able to feel me. And here we are in a process, like, meeting that call.

So I think it was more than just, like, connection too. Like, there was a piece of you that I felt like hadn't. And we kind of talked about this a little bit today, but there was, like, a piece of you that hadn't allow yourself to feel safe with me. And I wanted nothing but you to feel vulnerable and safe with me. That if I turn you down once, it doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I'm tired or had too much to drink or whatever it is. But you should never, ever stop trying. Like, that's not an excuse for men, like, oh, I'm too scared of my wife, or that it doesn't matter. Like, if you. If you were at a bar and you were flirting with, like, multiple girls and you got turned down, you wouldn't take it.

You wouldn't keep asking the same one that turns you down, though. You'd.

Yeah, that's insane. Like, I'm just telling you right now, as your wife, you should never stop trying. You should never, like, if. If I don't feel good, if I'm too tired, if it doesn't happen. Women get turned off by, like, this almost, like, pouty behavior of, like, will you turn Me down. It's like, yeah, well, as your wife, I expect you to keep trying, and there's times that I'm going to do the same thing.

Well, you're never getting turned down, so. And we talked about that.

No, but I mean, like, so it's not the same.

It's like being, like, coming the other.

Direction, turned down in other ways. Like, turned down in the sense where we're not, like. Not sexually, but like. Like time. You know what I mean? There's. Sometimes I joke around. I'm like, are you married to Jeff? Are you married to me? You know, there's times I felt like I had to fight just to get you to get done. Last year, I felt like I had to fight just to get you to get done before 7:30 at 8 almost every night. And I was like, I am so sorry that I am that hard to be with, and I will not ever be. I don't ever want to feel sorry for wanting time and attention from my husband. That's bullshit. And it's because I wanted attention. And I was starting to feel bad that I wanted time and attention with my husband, that he's a provider and I should just be okay with that. And I was like, fuck this same.

Way guy feels about sex.

I know. So I'm giving you a woman's perspective. A lot of women get stuck in this space of guilt of like, I just got to be the supporter. I'm like, you can. I get that I am the supporter of you and our family and everything else, but I'm not going to fight. I'm not going to. I'm not going to stop fighting for connection, time and attention.

I agree. Well done. Good summary for the show. You did great. It was a good topic. Date your wife experience. The gold part about the date your wife experiences this gives us a, for the first time ever, an opportunity to be able to take this conversation here in the date your wife podcast to another level. So if you go to dateyourwife.com you can learn more about the date your wife experience you and your spouse can taste. We've had, you know, test it and come taste it and get a feel for what you. What it's all about. But the entire focus of it is being able to take the cornerstone curriculum that our therapist, the wizard, has brought into our world, the individual we meet with every single week for two hours. We've been meeting with them every single week since we started in March and then went for about a month and a half, about four or five sessions. And we stopped and then we came back starting in June and we went June, July, August. So we've gone three straight months at every week for two hours. So we've gone all of August, all of June, all of July. So what is that? 8, 8, 16, 24. We're about 50 hours, 60 hours of therapy so far with him and it's been incredible. So anyways, we invited him in with the Warrior principles and myself and Danielle, as well as a ton of powerful couples from Wake Up Warrior as well as DKW styling. If you'd like to join in with us, you can learn more by going to dateyourwife.com you and your spouse can come give a give it a test run. Come see how you feel about it. If it sticks and you like it again, $197 a month for you to be part of that experience. You can access the Warrior app, get access to the tools, and come participate with your spouse. It's actually the first time we've ever done anything for couples in the history of Wake Up Warrior or DKW styling.

Well, we've been running this podcast for a while and we were like, where is it gonna go? And we had a lot of people that are like, we really like your guys podcast. So we're like, okay, how can we help even more? We also have a new reality series called the Real White House that we are kind of showcasing the dynamic of our family and how we built everything that we have. We've been married for 20 years, we have five kids together, and it's been an incredible journey. Our reality show is not a drama filled reality show. Our intention with that was to empower other peoples and showcase our story along the way. So get ready. We launched the first episode. Check it out on YouTube. Look forward. The Real White House. We have another episode coming out in a couple weeks and then we'll be producing a show every single week for you guys to follow our journey and hopefully be inspired and share. So thanks so much for tuning in to today's date you write podcast. We look forward to sharing a new episode with you guys every comes out every Monday, search date your wife on Spotify. Obviously, if you're listening to it, you're already there. So we'll see you next week.